Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 3, Episode 6 - Semen Gate - full transcript

Previously on Call Me Fitz...

1Thanks to you, Edith Kinkman,

president of the Coverton's
Ladies Auxilary,

the most powerful
women's group in town,

is dead.

Think of the good times,

like that moment
of happiness seven months ago

when you and Richard...

OH MY GOODNESS!

You win the election,
you make me City Manager.

Yeah, but that's the job those drones



give their old war buddies -
their friends.

Well, that makes rule one easier,

because friends don't sleep
with friends' friends.

Or their enemies.

You locked Coverton's
most prominent journalist

in the trunk of a car?

My article is finished

and so is your political career!

You sent Melody's car to the crusher!

For fuck sake, put her down!

If you have a chance
of winning this election,

it's by doing the same thing

that got you here in the first place.

Being yourself!



I'm gonna own up to every scandal,

every bad thing I've ever done.

Because I'm Richard Fitzpatrick,

the last honest man.

Honesty.

Who fucking knew?

Two weeks before the election,

and everything is coming up Fitz.

Everyone loves me:

The unwed mothers looking
for a little support-

The small business owners

trying to earn an honest buck-

The civil liberties crowd.

These are my people-

- The immoral majority.

And I, Richard Fucking Fitzpatrick,

owe it to them to
tell it like it is...

I'm riding this honesty bullshit

all the way to City Hall.

The whole truth and nothing but.

That is what I promise you.

Why? Because I am
the last honest man.

The Summerwind, baby.

Nothing can stop me now...

If you're so honest,

where have you been
the last 25 years, Dad?

You can't fool me, kid.

I'm the king of the shakedown.

So, cut to the chase.

How much to make you go away?

I don't want your money.

I'm on a full academic scholarship.

Then what do you want?
Women? Men?

I'll make some calls.

I want you to know

the pain you put my Mom through.

It's not my fault some
broad forgot her safe word.

Is that all Linda O'Neill was to you?

Some broad?

Linda... Linda... Blonde?

Always asking for rides and money?

She wanted you to drive
her to Planned Parenthood.

And cover half the bill.

Right... Miss Clingy.

You ruined her life!

She had to drop out
of school to raise me.

And then you denied my existence.

I didn't deny it.

I never knew.

What about all those
requests for child support?

Look, this is a misunderstanding.

Give me a few days

and I'll sort this shit out.

You had over twenty-five
years to sort it out.

Tomorrow, I tell the world

how honest Richard
Fitzpatrick really is.

Fuck.

We've got to shut
this little twerp up.

You might not be able
to see it right now,

but there is a silver
lining to this dark cloud.

What silver lining?

A secret kid kind of undercuts
our honesty platform.

Not if Richard honestly
didn't know about him-

I honestly didn't know about him.

And declares publicly

that he is ready to welcome
Barry into his life.

I'll declare shit.

I mastered the art of the pullout

long before that little
bastard was conceived.

A paternity test will
clear this whole mess up.

Or you can become the
dad Barry never had

and show the voters that
Richard Fitzpatrick

is more than an alcoholic party boy.

He is an alcoholic party boy

slash loving family man!

Dot's idea is easier.

It's a Wurlitzer.
It's worth forty.

But I'll let it go
for thirty-nine.

Thirty-eight is my final offer.

Thirty-five. Thirty.

Cheap son of a bitch.

What the fuck are you doing here?

We can't open Meghan
Fitzpatrick Motors

without the secret ingredient.

Meghan Fitzpatrick!

Maybe I wasn't clear
about the arrangement.

You'll be a silent partner,

emphasis on "shut the fuck up."

But you said that you needed me.

That you should have partnered with me

instead of Richard.

That I've always secretly
been your favorite.

I never said any of that.

I'll tell you one
thing you did say-

Go play in traffic?

The only people you
can trust are family.

One day, Daddy,

you're going to want a real
relationship with me...

or at least someone to
change your adult diaper.

And what are you going
to do if I'm gone?

Dance a fucking jig.

Look at this place, Richard.

Impressionable youngsters
yearning for learning,

we should 'Rock the Vote!'

I'd like to teach her somethin'.

Hey darlin', would you like
to earn some extra credit?

Actually, a lot of credit.

Wow, you made a sexual euphemism

out of a simple sentence.

That was so smart.

I bet it impresses all the ladies

down at the assisted living facility.

This guy bothering you, Natalie?

And now here's Barry

with his outdated
ideas of gender roles.

I was only trying to help.

Oh, Barry, please defend my honor

by kicking grandpa's pervy ass.

While I kick yours

by winning the Felcher Watt.

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

If so, can I watch?

What are you doing here?

Is that...?

Oh, look at you two.
A spitting image.

He has your eyes.

Guys! Cheese!

Who's the creepy uncle?

I'm a very important part
of your father's life.

Alleged father.

And I brought him here for
some long overdue bonding.

With baseball mittens!

Guys? Maybe later.

What is this, a photo-op?

Some lame attempt at political spin?

I'll level with you, Kid.

We came here to steal
a DNA sample off you

to prove you're not a Fitz.

Classy guy.

You want my DNA?

A travel toothbrush?

I told you he's not mine.

What do I get?

Barry, I promise you,

if this test proves
Richard is your father,

he will make a public
apology to you and your Mom-

Since fucking when?

As long as you give
him a chance to prove

he's not the heartless narcissistic

womanizing predator your
mother made him out to be.

Let's get it over with.

Twenty-five years I've
waited for this moment.

To give me a used toothbrush?

To ruin your life

as much as you ruined mine.

How many deadbeat dads

do you think get
elected to city council?

That's so cute.
Now let's go bond, you guys!

Bond! Bond!

Mechanic!

The carburetor in that Civic

still chokes the engine like the leash

of western imperialism
chokes our homeland.

Kind of busy here, guys.

This has been your
excuse for many weeks.

What could be more important

than customer service and profits?

How about the fate
of the free world, assholes?

I am concerned for the hairy one.

All he does is stare
at his mobile device.

We should help him.

Perhaps give him ice cream.

If I learned one thing
from my time with Meghan,

it is the mood altering
effect of frozen treats.

When the camel is lame,
we shoot the camel.

That is our way.

We also eat the camel.

We are Pashtun.

We never depend on outsiders.

Why are you so obsessed

with upholding traditions
that are clearly ineffective?

Josh brings much needed capital

to our failing enterprise.

I forbid you from contact
with the cadet from space.

Eh-eh! Do I make myself clear?

Yes cousin...

Good.

Thanks, sweet knees.

You hang out here?

It's my home away from home.

Your home must be a real shithole.

Hey!
Dot's on her way to the clinic

with your toothbrush and your...

semen sample.

They test DNA off saliva, you know.

I don't want to take any chances.

So, Barry, tell us about yourself.

How's school?

Are you dating?

There might be someone...

Girlfriends are for homos.

You're in college.
Play the field.

Experiment.

Yeah.

Maybe I can experiment

with getting some girl
pregnant and then ditching her.

Thumbs up.

Holy shit.

It is true.

You actually produced a
kid that isn't a mutant.

You're not a mutant, are you?

I'm a scientist.

Well, la de da.

Call me when you've split
the atom, Dr. Freud.

Maybe then I'll be impressed.

Larry, the idea is to not
tell the whole fucking world.

Richard, this is family.

Ken, I'd like you to meet Barry.

Barry, this is Ken.

Call him grandpa.

Call me Mr. Fitzpatrick.

Barry, you say you're a scientist?

What field are you working in?

I'm doing my doctorate
in medical nanotechnology.

You want my advice?

Not at all.

Fuck that shit.

The real money's in quality
pre-owned automobiles.

If you're ever looking
for a new career...

What a coccydynia.

It means he's a pain in the ass.

Got that right, kid.

You do have one thing in common.

You both hate your biological fathers!

Fuck off, Larry.

Take a number.

Dot... Foxley, isn't it?

Mmmm.

Ali Devon.

You've been waiting long?

Just got here.

So...

Oh.
Genetic compatibility testing.

Oh.

Well, I...

hope you pass.

Cut the crap, Foxley.

What are you really doing here?

This may find this hard
for you to believe, Devon,

but the entire world
doesn't revolve around you.

You think you're the only
one who can throw her legs open

and let someone poke her uterus?

Oh poor Dot,

she couldn't possibly balance

marriage and a vibrant personal life

with a career and motherhood.

She'll never have it all.

Not like you.

But you've got it all
figured out, don't you?

I guess you're Miss Perfect.

No wonder everyone loves Ali Devon.

Well, let me tell you
something, sis...

Wow.

Your dad made you fish
your mom's diaphragm

out of the toilet?

Worst Easter ever.

Here you go... "Son."

Thanks... "Dad."

What's wrong with you, fuck sock?

Are you drunk or something?

Drunk on this growing love connection.

Are you some kind of
emotional parasite?

A monkey!

Hey, little fella...

What's his name?

Magic. Just leave him alone.

Natalie doesn't like people
playing with her baboon.

You share this place
with That Bitch Natalie?

She's not that bad.

Hey, buddy.

Anyway, here's where I've spent

the last five years of my life,

perfecting my research.

On how not to get laid?

No... Suspended in this liquid

are millions of nanobots.

Microscopic robots that work in unison

to help humanity.

When I prove they can
prevent acid reflux,

I'm a shooin for the
Felcher Watt Fellowship.

If Natalie doesn't beat me to it.

The Felcher what?

You've heard of it?

Sure, totally.

Barry, that's so impressive.

Isn't that right, Magic?

Yes it is.

Isn't there already a
cure for acid reflux?

It's not the cure that matters,

it's the nanotechnology.

If I win the grant,

it'll pay my way through
another decade of research.

Fucking the system out of money?

That's my boy.

This career is what my
mother always wanted for me.

I just hope I don't disappoint her.

So long as you try your best,

Richard and I will always
be proud of you.

Quit gaying up the joint, Larry.

This calls for a toast.

No thank you, designated driver.

More for me and Barry.

Barry -
seeing what you've done here

makes me so glad I may or may not

have avoided driving your mom
to the abortion clinic.

Me too.

Giddyup.

Richard! That's not alcohol!

My nanobots?

Five years of research

down your intestinal tract?

No great loss.

They don't work very well.

Richard, this isn't how
you should deal with your guilt.

You made a mistake.
Now it's time to fix it.

What guilt?

Dot's on her way to the
paternity lab for the results.

Whether Barry is your
biological son or not,

he needs you now more than ever.

You have to help him out.

It's the responsible thing to do.

You help him.

You're the one who thought
I could be a good father.

Which means you're the one
who fucked up here.

Nice work, ass crust!

You know how bad it feels

when your father lets you down.

Remember in middle school

when you and Josh
tried to cut an album?

And then Ken "accidentally"
taped over it

and never did anything to apologize.

That drunk asshole.

But you're not Ken.

You don't wallow in
pity over your mistakes.

You take responsibility
for your actions.

Since when?

Since you became Richard Fitzpatrick,

the last honest man.

Fuck.

You got bolt cutters?

I believe I do.

Nothing says sorry, kid

like some old fashioned sabotage.

Just a thought.

Maybe breaking and entering

isn't the solution to
all of life's problems.

It's not, Larry.
But sabotage is.

Destroying That Bitch
Natalie's research

will level the playing field.

Okay, little buddy. Fuck off.

What's the matter with you, huh?

Who knew a medical test animal
would be too sick to move?

I've got just the thing
to perk him up.

You can't give him your drugs.

Relax, Larry.
I didn't pay for 'em.

There you go, buddy.

Come on...

Go on, take it.

Merry Christmas, Barry.

Josh?

I have brought you a treat.

Something to cheer you up.

No! No!

I assure you,

there will not be seventy virgins

awaiting you in paradise.

What are you talking about?

God does not approve of
committing suicide...

without an explosion.

This isn't suicide.

This is Optimo Primo.

The car that turns into a bong.

When I saw you, I thought the worst.

I'm just having one of those days.

A Wednesday?

No! You know those
days when you wake up

and realize Fitz has cut
you out of his campaign,

and you're still waiting for
a call from your handler,

and you start wondering if you
even have a purpose in life.

I have never woken up in the morning

and thought those things.

Whenever I'm down,
Fitzie always blazes one with me

and helps put my problems
into perspective.

Would you?

If Cousin ever found out...

Very well.

Really?

Yes!

Optimo Primo assemble!

You gonna get in or what?

C'mon, c'mon!

What the hell are you doing?

Shredding the competition's research.

It's not the most ethical way to help,

but Richard wants you
to achieve your dreams.

And you're welcome.

You idiots!

All you've done is ruin my chances

with the one thing I actually wanted.

A paternal bond with
your biological father?

No, you mental defective.

You think it's a coincidence

I happen to run into Natalie
around campus?

Set up a desk in her lab?

You're stalking That Bitch Natalie?

I told you we just
had to get him laid.

Where'd the baboon go?

Do I look like his social secretary?

He ran out the door.

That's the last we saw of him.
I'm sure he's fine.

He's HIV positive. He's dying.

Dying to party.

I gave him a little pick me up.

Sildenafil Citrate.

You gave him erectile
dysfunction medication?

I don't need it.
It just enhance my pleasure.

We have to get him back!

This ice cream is so delicious.

Triple fudge.

Everything should be tripled.

Cousin would think it decadent.

He and his fatwas.

It's always here a fatwa.

There a Fatwa.

Everywhere a fatwa.

I gotta tell you something.

But promise you'll
keep this between us.

Star and crescent my heart.

I have a secret past.

I've been under cover for years.

Operation Blackout.

I'm a sleeper agent.

Special Forces.

Sweet...

I was reactivated,

then told to "hold position."

My C.O. hasn't called since.

I don't know if HQ was hit,

if the mission's
been cancelled -

or if they're going to cancel me.

With extreme prejudice.

The mass of your predicaments

is indeed quite heavy.

But all that matters

is that when the time comes,

you'll be ready.

Yeah...

triple ready.

You just need the phone to ring.

Whoa.

Yeah, yeah.

Agent McTaggart.

Josh, I need you to come to campus

and take down an AIDS monkey.

Is it the call?

Close enough.

Rock on, my friend.

Or may I call you -
cousin from another race?

Yeah!

Good afternoon, everyone.

I have a quick announcement.

If any of you run into a monkey

that answers to the name of Magic...

Please contact campus
security immediately.

Do not approach him
under any circumstances.

If he tries to approach
you, just say no.

Then go. And tell.

What the fuck did you do?

Good, you heard.
Saves us a trip.

We kind of accidentally
let your monkey escape.

Magic's a baboon, you hydrocephalic.

As for you, you sabotaging
son of a bitch...

It wasn't me, I swear.

He's telling the truth.

Totally. It was Larry.

I don't give a
fuck what happened, okay?

I've got five years of my life
invested in Magic.

So find him or I'm turning
you into my test subjects, okay?

Relax.
I've got my best guy on it.

Take it easy, people!

It's just one AIDS monkey!
No need to panic!

It's not like there's
a herd of AIDS monkeys or...

Oh, I get it.

No, that's not it.

High ground...

Perfect.

I promise I will make this right.

You probably planned this whole thing.

Holy fuck, it's a monkey!

Whatever you do,
don't look him in the eye!

He'll feel threatened and
he will fuck you in the ear.

Go get Magic's travel cage now!

Richard, do you have
any more of those pills?

He seemed to like those.

He won't trust you.

At least I didn't give him AIDS.

Just go grab him, numbnuts.

Come on, little guy!

Here, AIDS monkey.

Here, AIDS monkey...!

Here, AIDS monkey...!

Come here, little buddy!

Target acquired.

Hey...

Oh My God!

A SHOOTER!

Don't get your tits in a knot.

It's only a tranq gun.

So that makes it ok?

God, Natalie.

No wonder everyone
thinks you're a bitch.

I think I owe you an apology.

For what?

I was being paranoid.

This stupid election.
Chester and Fitz...

I think the campaign
has everyone on edge.

Re-evaluating priorities.

I hope it's good news.
Thank you.

Ali Devon.

Ah yes, right here.

Aw, fuck me.

Gotta get my hands
on that damn dirty ape.

Bang up job.

Want to come
ruin Thanksgiving this year too?

I do like turkey...

Why the fuck did you shoot Larry?

Sorry, buddy.

I failed you.

It's not a total failure.

What about my fucking baboon?

He's all horned up on the medication.

If someone was to present himself...

Who died and made you Jane Goodall?

I've hung off every word
you've said for five years.

Every fuck off Barry, every
go to hell, microphallus...

Huh?

It's up to you, Josh.

Lure the little fucker out here

with your ape-like ass.

I haven't heard those
words since basic training...

There's a cure for monkey AIDS, right?

Because of you, there just might be.

Okay... yeah!

Come on, little buddy.
Come on, buddy!

Come on, come on...

Come on, hurry up.

Is he comin' or what?

Just like basic training.
It's just like basic training.

Here he comes, Josh.

I feel his eyes on my ass.

I can feel his beady little
baboon eyes all over me, man.

I don't want to do this anymore!
I don't want to do this anymore!

Oh God, he's touching me,
bring the cage!

Bring it in! Bring it in, man!

I can't hold my position anymore, man.

I'm not going to hold this anymore.

Go for the fruit!
Go for the fruit!

Please go for the fruit!

You better buy me
a couple beers for this, pal.

Nice work, soldier.

Thank you, sir.

I swear, setting him
free wasn't my idea.

But now he's back, safe and sound.

To eventually die from AIDS.

You know, it's too bad.

I make it a rule to never
date the competition.

Natalie - my research is ruined.

There's no way I can
win the fellowship now.

So, if you ever need any
help with your project -

You could help me vivisect him.

Love to.

Oh, hey, Fitz?

Save it, kid.

Throwing away your future

for a chance with the
science department slut?

I don't care what the
paternity tests say,

you're a real Fitzpatrick.

Yeah, I never want to see you again.

Any of you motherfuckers.

Yep.

A real Fitzpatrick.

Great news.
You're not the father.

I thought you'd be thrilled.

Yeah, big relief.

Let the press know, will you?

I got shit to do.

Sync & corrections by Monkeymann