Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 3, Episode 4 - The Rise and Fall of Ethnic Man - full transcript

Previously on Call Me Fitz...

Over half of the city councilors

are members of the
Glen Downs Country Club.

They control local politics.

Fuck!

It'll be good to get some
fresh blood into this place.

I'll see you at the initiation.

When it's a male sacrifice,

we cut off his johnson
and feast upon it.

Yeah, I'm out.

Melody Gray!



I haven't seen you

since you slept your way
through student council!

I'm an ethical journalist.

I only report the news I manufacture.

Six months I've been stuck
in this mental hospital,

with no contact
from the outside world.

Only thing you ever had
was your dealership,

and now you got shit.

I'm gonna get it back!

Even if he got it back,
he cannot sell cars.

Our agreement includes
a non-competition clause.

Fitzpatrick cannot own a
dealership, any dealership.

Unless he opened it
in someone else's name!

You're all goin' down, fuckers!



I'm Richard Fitzpatrick,

and I approve this message.

Coverton.

There was a time

when this shithole
wasn't such a shithole.

On election day,

you can help return this
shithole to its former glory.

How?

Vote for me, Richard Fitzpatrick.

Hey, way to ruin the fucking
shot, shit berry!

Asshole!

Why vote for me?

Because I'm an outsider, like you.

I don't care about budgets,
or by-laws,

or any other bullshit.

I care about people.

And I'm here to help you.

There's a reason
you're single, scowlie.

So if you're happy with high taxes,

crumbling infrastructure,

and sexually inexperienced
politicians,

go ahead and waste your vote
on Chester Vince.

But if you want real change?

Your hero has arrived, Coverton.

My name is Richard Fitzpatrick.

But you can call me Fitz.

- Fucking masterpiece.
- I'll schedule a reshoot.

You blew our entire advertising budget

on Ebony Jugs magazine?

Oh!

Budget price for a national spot.

For a municipal election.

We need to spend our money wisely.

And try to reach a wider demographic

than "exposed lady-parts
aficionados."

The only demographic Chester Vince

is currently not kicking our ass in.

Do you even know how big

the ethnic community in Coverton is?

Well, I bet it's big.

Don't you worry, buddy.

On election day,

shit like this won't even matter.

Shit like what?

Like anyone's going to
believe Chester is a hero.

He doesn't have x-ray
vision or a cape...

Or a utility belt.

Perfect example.

This is why Chester Vince

is killing us with the ethnic vote.

Because he's actually
targeting the ethnic vote.

In Richard's defence -

it is Ebony Jugs.

And the ethnic groups
all love Chester.

He's like some kind of white Jesus.

What the fuck are you talking about?

The ethnics love me.

Mai Ling gave me extra
chicken balls last week -

if you know what I'm sayin'.

Richard, you shouldn't
use the "E" word.

We need to show voters that you care

about all people the same.

Fuck me!

You know what?
Every time I turn my back,

that Vince is one-upping me.

You turds need to up
my profile, big time.

I'm the hero of the people,

not that dick-licker.

Now get me the ethnic vote.

How?

Three hours, and I want ideas.

Fifty bucks?
I'm not that desperate.

Forty. And your diazepam.

We split the diazepam.

All right. Let's do this.

Yes! Come and get it.

Oh yeah.

Going to pay those student loans.

Hurry up, what's taking so long?

Hey! What the fuck, man!

Hey! That was my date.

Pack your shit.
We're going home.

Not until you tell me what you want.

To know my daughter
is happy and healthy

and free to sign a lease on
a new dealership.

I knew it!

I got to get around whatever crap

those flying carpet munchers
put in the contract.

Non-compete clause my ass.

And you want to work with me?

Never shoulda sold the family business

to those gooks.

Biggest mistake I ever made.

Keep it in the family,
that's what grandpa said.

Even if they're fucking retards.

How 'bout it, kid, You and me?

Ninety-ten.

Fifty-fifty.

Eighty-twenty. Gross.

Seventy-five-twenty-five. Net.

That's my little retard.

No matter how hard I try,

I can't make Richard happy.

You should know, titmouse,

because you're dead
because of my failure.

Are you ok?

Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you,

you just sounded so sad.

Iris.

Oh, Larry.

Who are you visiting?

Oh, a noble bird who died needlessly

and deserved a proper burial.

You?

My fluffy little cuddly...

Bunny?

He got away from me one morning

and was crossing the road when a...

Mustang ran him over?

It's been a tough three years.

Three years.

I'm here everyday after work.

I just can't seem to let go.

Such a tragedy.

You're a sweet soul, Larry.

I'm sure it wasn't your fault.

You wouldn't say that

if you knew how
responsible I am for...

everything.

Richard's anger.

The poor dead titmouse.

Jeepers, Larry.

Pretty selfish of you
to take all the blame.

Some of the rest
of us want to mourn too.

I'm sorry - I didn't mean-

I was just kidding, silly.

I can tell by your aura,
you're a good person.

I wish every man was like you.

Yeah.

D-do you want...?

Uh...

Every man...

Ahh!

Richard Fitzpatrick is not a hero.

Yes I am, dick sniffer.

Richard Fitzpatrick is better.

I'm listening.

Richard Fitzpatrick is EVERY MAN.

Oh! That sounds
like a super-hero.

He is a super-hero, Josh.

Compassion is Every Man's superpower.

You understand the plight

of the sweat shop employee

struggling to put food on the table,

the inner city youth whose
only career choice is crime,

the overqualified immigrant
stuck driving a cab...

And you shoot laser beams
from your eyeballs!

What do you think?

I think it bites
while it sucks -

and we all know how bad that can be.

This isn't brain surgery, Larry.

We just need a way

to make the ethnics love Fitz

more than Chester.

I love him more.

Where the fuck have you been?

I said three hours.

Doing my job.

Chester's holding a
surprise unity rally

at City Hall.

This afternoon.

His multicultural drones
will be there.

See guys? This is simple.

All we have to do is
hijack Chester's rally.

So what do ethnics want?

Equality is an easy gift to give.

And it's always free.

There's one color everyone loves.

Green.

Beautiful.

Let's do that.

Corruption? Bribery?

This isn't how Every Man operates.

Yeah, he flies.

And bullets bounce off his chest.

P-ting! P-ting!

And he's all like 'Ha ha ha ha!'

That's what I'd do if I was Every Man.

Aw, and I'd have a bitchin' cape.

I'm afraid your daughter's

not ready to be released,
Mr. Fitzpatrick.

She's still suffering from...

Paranoia, resentment,
delusions of grandeur,

hypersensitivity,
excessive irritability,

rapid mood swings,
and violent outbursts.

That was one fucking time,

and I didn't know
the bedpan was metal!

In fact, I was hoping to schedule

some time with you, sir.

I believe your daughter's
rage is a learned behavior.

I'm as calm as a summer breeze.

Now give me
my fucking daughter back!

Well...

I'm afraid I'm going to
have to ask you to leave now.

Go ahead. Ask.

This way, please.

Relax, Igor. I'm leaving.

Bye, Daddy!

I know what you're thinking.

Another politician here
to talk about himself.

Pause for laughter.

But today isn't about patting
myself on the back

for all the weapons and drugs

I've managed to get off your streets.

I want you to meet some
special friends of mine...

Richard, please, don't do this.

Not only is bribery unethical,

it's illegal.

Vote for Fitz. Vote for Fitz.

Best place to troll for votes-

Some other guy's rally.

This is Greg.

A few short months ago,

he was a wretched lowlife.

Reeked of alcohol and sweat.

Slept in puddles of his own urine,

and sold himself for
money to buy drugs.

And now I am clean.

He doesn't have two
dimes to rub together,

but he's not tempted

by any of the drugs on this table,

even though a tenth of these drugs

could certainly buy his
way off the street.

And it's all thanks to me.

Coverton, the hero
you've been waiting for

has finally arrived.

And his name is Chester Vince!

That's my fucking line.

Nobody move!

This is Melody Gray,

embedded at the press conference,

where we are under attack.

Don't hurt us! We have money!

Yeah?

Nice one, fuckwit.

I call upon the powers of equality!

What the fuck?

Black strength!

Asian wisdom!

Russian endurance! Super-fast!

Swiss organizational skills!

And... American cheese!

How about Pashtun generosity?

We have our own community centre!

All are welcome!
That's right, yes!

Except Kurds. That's right.

Get my money! My money!

Scram, punk.

Yeah!

Fuck.

No one knows the swarthy
savior's secret origins,

but one thing is certain...

The costumed vigilante "Ethnic Man"

is quickly becoming a local legend.

There I was, surrounded by hooligans.

Then he came out of nowhere
brandishing an opium pipe.

He said: "Hey, you kids!
Stop teasing that man."

Smoke this instead."

And they did.

In a matter of days,

Ethnic Man's unique
brand of street justice

has reduced crime
all over Coverton -

except drug trafficking.

But despite these statistics,

opinion about the vigilante is mixed.

Ethnic Man's not racist.
Black is the absence of color.

By painting his face black,

he's making a decisive statement

about his dream of
a post racial world.

All I know is that I loves it
when the niggers win,

because they got nothing.

What is racist is choosing to ask me

what is racist because I am not white.

You see, you are the racist.

You.

But whether you're
pro-Ethnic man,

or an uninformed idiot,

there's one thing we
can all agree on...

crime fighting in Coverton

just got a lot more sexy.

Thank you, Ethnic Man,

wherever - and
whoever - you are.

Call me.

It's not Ethnic Man, it's Every Man!

I mean, I bet that's what it is.

I mean, how would I know, right?

I'm not Every Man.

Shut up, fucktard.

Plan B.

Everyone loves you
so you'll make them love me.

Ethnic vote - boom.

I can't hide it anymore.

I'm Every Man.

No shit.

That's why you're going to put
on your little clown outfit,

prance around at my rally

and tell everyone you endorse me

for city council.

I'll start on the permits.

We're having a rally?

Yeah, set it up.

We're gonna call it:

The rally for all people everywhere.

Rally for all people everywhere...

Yeah.

A rally for RAPE?

All right, snot lunch,
you come up with something.

No.

Every Man is many things,

but he's not a dancing monkey.

Every Man doesn't believe in politics.

He believes in justice.

And equality.

And fish tacos.

Because fighting crime
makes him wicked hungry.

Remember kids, you can't be Every Man

but you can be a difference.

Because being a difference

makes you Every Man.

Yeah?

What does that even mean?

It means you need a fucking cape.

Oh...

This isn't going to work.

What the fuck do you know?

No one in their right mind

would ever believe you're a doctor.

This ID got me in here,

and it will get us both out.

You know what we should do?

Raid the pharmacy.

Shut up and act crazy.

You want crazy?

The shadows!

They're eating me! Sideways!

Thorazine! Give me my thorazine!

How am I supposed to do that?

You figure it out, Doctor.

Richard, this is a bad idea.

And tomatoes are a fruit.

What's that have to do with anything?

I thought we were talking

about stuff we didn't
give a fuck about.

Get out here, Ethnic Man.

Now, tell the people that I kick ass.

That I am "the man."

Tell who?

Where are the crowds?
I don't know.

I posted flyers and everything.

Cops. Oooh.

You're Ethnic Man?

You're damn right.

Ma'am.

Richard, help.

You can't arrest Ethnic Man!

He's about to endorse me
as his favorite candidate.

So this rally was your idea?

What the fuck do you think?

Hey!

Hey buddy.

Hey, get your hands off
my nightstick, officer!

Oh boy.

You can't seriously
want an endorsement

from that costumed lunatic.

I'd be crazy not to.
Everyone loves Ethnic Man.

Plus, I need to keep
the coloreds happy.

I married a racist imbecile.

Would an imbecile come up

with the perfect plan
to meet Ethnic Man?

Yes.

That's exactly what
an imbecile would do.

This isn't the grocery store.

I must have taken a wrong turn.

I hope no one tries to mug us!

Are you trying to get us
robbed on purpose,

so you can meet Ethnic Man?

I heard this is where he hangs out.

We call it crack town.

You endanger your wife and child

for a publicity stunt?

She's right, dude.

That's low.

You don't look like Ethnic Man.

You don't even remember me, do you?

I was at your fucking rally.

I robbed you.

Oh what, we all look the same?

Okay, whoa!
You don't want to do this.

Oh right, 'cause an Asian
can't carjack a bitch.

I should go do some
calculus or something.

Ethnic Man! Help!

We're going to take a little ride.

Wow.

Wow.

Dispatch, we have two in custody,

heading to booking.

What did I do? Ten-four.

Let's begin with reckless disregard

for human safety.

Inciting violence.

Indecent behavior.

We'll worry about the hate
crimes at the precinct.

Hate crimes? For a rally?

City doesn't take
kindly to Aryan rallies.

Go figure.

It's a peace rally.

That's a swastika.

Oh...

But it's a Tibetan symbol for peace!

Way to make things
all white supremacy.

Unit 36, there is
a kidnapping in progress.

Warehouse 3 at Riverside and John.

City prosecutor's wife.

Ali!

The assailant is drugged and armed.

Thirty-five-years-old

and you can't swallow a fucking pill.

♪ I can see forever. ♪

You know, if you were
permanently whacked out,

Daddy could get custodial
control of your life.

Would you like that?

Butterflies are Tuesday.

Daddy, love you so much!

It's a good thing
I found this patient in time.

The security here.

You couldn't spring for a decent lock?

We need to pump her stomach.

Is your first name doctor?

Get me one of those
electro-shock thingies...

A defibrillator?

What did I just fucking say?

Ethnic Man! Finally.

Get him out of the car.

You seem taller in person.

My wife! She's in danger.

You've got to save her, Ethnic Man.

And then endorse me for city council.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm drafting Ethnic Man to save Ali.

No, no, no.
This is my Ethnic Man.

If anyone is going to
tell him to save Ali,

it's going to be me.

Perhaps we should let
the police save Ali.

Knock yourself out.
That guy's got a gun.

Do you want me to win this
election or not?

Very well, I - Ethnic Man -

will save Ali Devon.

Because I told him to.

Ethnic...

Fucking go!

Excuse me.

Are you sure this is the best way

to deal with an overdose?

Oh, I'm sure. Clear!

This asshole isn't a doctor!

She's hallucinating!
He's my father and he's trying to...

Ahhh!

He's trying to turn me
into a vegetable!

Can we get a little more
juice in this thing?

Ahh! Asshole! Asshole!

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

What's going on?

Mr. Fitzpatrick.

Hey. Is your kid white?

What?

I heard you can get like thirty grand

for a kid if he's not a minority.

Halt, evil doer.

I am Ethnic Man.

I clean up crime.

Like an ethnic cleanser.

No, wait. Not like that.

Oh my God, Fitz put you up to this?

Is it so hard to believe

that I'm a degenerate drug addict?

You don't know what
I'll to do to get high.

Oh, God.

The things I've done to get high.

Don't think of Richard as a sleaze

who makes your life miserable.

Think of the good times.

Like moment of happiness
seven months ago.

Seven months ago, when you...

and Richard...

OH. MY. GOODNESS.

Larry - whatever
you're thinking,

don't say one more word.

You know why I became a drug addict?

To show my friends Asian
kids could be cool.

Yeah, it's really cool
to suck dick for crack.

Do you mind?

We're in the middle of something here.

Hey, fuck you, asshole!

My shit's just as important as yours.

Hey, Jamal. I got the stuff -

Whoa! You're not Jamal.

Holy fuck. Another one.

Oh, thank god.

You're here to save us.

Yes. Yes! I'm here to save you.

And not to sell drugs.

You don't even have a weapon.

Before you pull that trigger,

you gotta ask yourself one question.

Oh yeah?

What's that?

Wanna get high?

It's been four hours

since this hostage drama started,

with no word from the
kidnapper or kidnappers,

except a demand for fish tacos

and Battleship, original edition.

Hello there.

You're black. What do you think?

Do you think Ali Devon is still alive?

Or do you think that she has
been brutalized sexually

in a way this reporter
can only imagine?

What is with you white chicks?

Don't shoot! We're coming out.

We're okay!

Fuck.

Let's see your hands!
Come on, let's see them!

Keep 'em up, keep 'em up!

Ethnic Man!

Ali!

All right, cuff him, boys!

Stay strong, brother.

Hey, ya! Ha ha, yeah!

Thank you!
But it's not Ethnic Man.

It's Every Man.

And Ethnic Man

is voting for Richard Fitzpatrick!

Every Man.

No, he's voting for Chester Vince!

No!

Every Man is not about voting!

Cock banging fuck sockets.

And he's not about politics.

Yeah, he's about compassion.

No. He's about equality.

You fucking idiots are wrong.

Ethnic Man is all about getting votes

for Richard Fitzpatrick

so he can open his bar.

Uh, and respect for all.

You want me to respect a criminal?

You're just pissed I'm a
better thief than you are.

I'm a Legal Aid lawyer, General Tao.

You rice rocket, fortune
cookie, mother fucker.

Oh, for fuck's sake -

can we talk about
what's important here?

Me, winning this election.

And for the record-

Well, I love all races.

And I don't have to
classify the women I nail.

I don't get the yellow fever.

I'm not after the brown sugar.

There's only one color

that matters to Richard Fitzpatrick:

That's the sweet, soft pink.

Mmmm.

Am I right or am I right?

I'm not sure...

I think what Richard
is trying to say is...

Can't we all just get along?

Guys?

Group hug, maybe?

Good one, man!

That answer your question,
cracker ass?

Look out!

Hey, fuck you!

♪ Welcome to my world ♪

♪ Won't you come on in ♪

♪ Miracles, I guess ♪

♪ Still happen now and then ♪

♪ Step into my heart ♪

God damn torturer fuckers.

Now we can go to group together.

That'll be fun.

There's pudding on Tuesdays.

There's a pool here.
It's pretty okay.

Except that bitch nurse
makes me wear floaties.

Like, what?

Sync & corrections by Monkeymann