Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 2, Episode 13 - What the Fuck is a Beaver Moon? - full transcript

Well, fuck. Here we go.

This is how it ends, the death
of Richard fucking Fitzpatrick.

I did everything I could
to prevent my own death,

saving my own ass again and again.

You want me? Come and get me!

♪ Travel fast as light
till we're lost from sight ♪

♪ The Earth is like a toy balloon ♪

Liquid nitrogen?

♪ Riding on a jet ♪

♪ Destination moon ♪

But, like fate, or venereal
disease, death was inevitable.



Though fuck me if I know
what I did to deserve it.

I mean, who the hell
would want me dead?

She's on my list
of must-bang chicks.

You know: Amputee, midget,
dental hygienist.

Oh, boo-hoo, I gave her
syphilis, so shoot me.

Ooh.

Ooh.

I was a good guy.
People respected me.

And in turn, I respected
the shit out of them.

Fuck off, Larry.

Fuck off, Larry.

Roses are red, Larry fuck off.

Yeah, well, fuck you, Larry.

Fuck off, Larry Fuck off, Larry.



And then I started to wonder
what the fuck it was all for,

why I fought so hard to stay
alive in the first place.

The Summer Wind!

Summer Wind.

Summer Wind Cocktail Lounge,
a real classy joint.

And 50k gets you the opportunity

to bone one of
our waitresses per year.

This is enough money to start
construction on the Summer Wind.

Ring-a-ding-ding.

Because here's what
they don't tell you, kids.

In those last few seconds
you're alive, you get a choice:

Regret everything you ever did
or take pride in the fact

that you lived your life
without compromise

and know that you made an impact.

Fuck.

♪ Without you ♪

♪ I'd find my smile ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ I'd have won by a mile ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ Oh, life would be so grand ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ I'm half a man ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ Without you... ♪

♪ Without you ♪

The moon is full
and guess what, fuckers?

Fitzy's still alive.

Ah, hey.

That's it?

I survived purgatory
and that's all I get? "Hey"?

What do you want, man?

It's been a real emotional
roller coaster with you lately:

Alive, dead, ghost. I just don't
know what to think anymore.

Do you hear that?

What, that voice
inside my head that's singing.

"Appreciate every day
because it could be your last"?

No, 'cause that'd be gay.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It's definitely a ticking sound.

Will you stop being
so fucking paranoid?

I made it to the Beaver Moon
and I'm still alive.

And on top of that,
Larry's leaving, for good.

Do you know what that means.

Need a new roommate?

No. It's time to celebrate.

First order of business:
Women and weed.

Let's start with the weed.

Now I hear a ticking sound.

Yeah, I told you.

It's like the timer from a...

fixed magnet tilt fuse
explosive device.

Hmm.

No!

You got more drugs, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know why I didn't
see it earlier.

Each clue, each tragic misfortune,

all roads to Richard's shadowy
assailant lead back to Larry,

which is why I'm leaving today.

I'm never coming back.

I hope he's wearing his coat today.

Oh, God. What if he's
not wearing his coat?

Thank you.

I should have guessed.

As soon as there's an explosion,
look who's here.

Your concern is overwhelming.

Don't flatter yourself.

I care more about
the stain in my shorts.

This was you, wasn't it?

Right, because I have nothing
better to do with my time

than to try and kill you.

No, couldn't have been Meghan.

It might have been.

Nah, C4, plastic explosives,
back-up triggers,

pine nuts: This is the work
of an expert.

Real professional, someone who
wants to see your body

blown to tiny bits
all over this garage.

A little bomb doesn't scare me.

It scares the shit out of me, bro.

Nuh-uh. I survived a car crash,
the afterlife and the Amish.

I can take whatever that shadowy
motherfuck dishes out

and throw it back twice as hard.

The moon is still up
for another six hours.

We have time to find this guy.

You two are going to find the
person that planted this bomb?

You couldn't find your own assholes

with an asshole detector.

So now you're the expert?

I never said that.

Six hours, huh?
What I need is a team.

Oh, so, what the fuck?

You assume that I'm going to
join because you need help?

Want to join my team, Josh?

Commander Josh McTaggert
at your service, sir.

Whatever you need, Fitzy:
Munitions, disguises, hot sauce.

We're going to need some backup,

someone fearless, relentless.

And, a little bit insane.

Unbelievable. You're asking me?

Putting a crew together.
Some asshole wants to kill me.

We're going to stop him.

And you want me because?

Because you're psychotic,
efficient, easy on the eyes.

Hmm, pass.

Now that my belly's free of your
father's horrific abomination,

the last thing I want to do

is hang around
this emotional cesspool.

In fact, the next one of you who
even looks at me the wrong way

will eat through a straw

and shit into a bag for
the rest of his miserable life.

That's what makes you
the perfect addition.

Come on, what do I got to do, beg?

Yes.

Come on, what do you
really want me to do?

I need you, Dot Foxley.

You know, there was a time

I would have done anything
to hear you say that.

Not anymore.

You need me just as much.

Believe me, you are
the last person I need.

You really think we're so different?

We already play for the same team.

And what team is that?

Team "I'll do
whatever the fuck it takes"

to get whatever the fuck I need
and fuck everyone else".

It's a long name.

Yep.

I want half the take.

It's a manhunt, not a con.

You think I'm not going to

take advantage of you
in your weakened state?

This family's ruined me.

I don't have a job, an intact hymen

or one fucking bit of patience.

All right, nomads,
this is your powwow.

So, wow me, or pow.

For too long, our great tribes
have been rivals.

It is time to end the bloodshed.

You have built a grand empire.

But you are a king
without a true heir.

And who will inherit this fine
throne, hmm? Your first born?

He can take over this dealership

when he pries it
from my cold, dead hands.

Exactly. He has proven to be
a liability again and again,

and again and again.

And your daughter is many things.

Many things.

But a shrewd businessperson
is not one of them.

Look, Lawrence of Arabia...

He was the white one.

I can see where this is going.

But I can't sell the dealership.
Numbnuts is a partner.

So is that lanky white shadow of
his and my maggot ex-wife.

But you are the majority partner, hmm?

We will pay you fair market
value, no strings attached.

Except that you agree to
never open another dealership.

Fair market value plus 20%.

10.

19. 15.

18.

16.25.

17.5.

16.75.

17.

And you can't change the fucking name.

So, tell me about this death prophecy.

Okay, it's tonight, I think,

The beaver something or other.

I think a moon has to be
up in the sky or something.

What? So I'm a little fuzzy
on the details.

Well, you might want to get
a little more specific,

seeing as how your life
is on the line.

Nah, Larry always took care
of all the detail-y shit.

I'm a big picture guy.

Okay, hot shot. What's the plan?

You don't have a plan.

Sure, I got a plan.
We wing it. Works every time.

Oh yeah, and I got
the shark bites to prove it.

Like the time you impersonated
the President of Malta,

or when you tried to scam
the Jerry Lewis telethon,

oh, and my favourite,
the Icelandic hash incident.

They grow really good hash there.

I know they do.

My C.O. in Rwanda told me.

"If you don't have solid intel,
you're fucked." Scottish.

Six days later, he was dead.

Fucking slippery bathtubs.

If you don't put
that rubber shit down...

We need Larry.

Fuck Larry.

You want to live?
Get the beanpole, now, mister.

It's too late. He's gone.

And I wouldn't know
where to look for him

even if I wanted to find him,
which I don't.

Found him.

Huh?

Right there.

Fuck.

Richard, the fates
keep drawing us together.

It's not fate if you're waiting
outside the motel, swizzle nuts.

You shouldn't be here.
It's for your own good.

You never know when my rage
is going to boil to the surface

and I strike again.

Where were you today?

Here. I waited until you left

and then I went to
pack up a few things,

and tidy a little, do some laundry.

But, I didn't starch your collars.

Is there no end to my villainy?

So, you couldn't have planted
that bomb in the garage?

I could have. What bomb?

Someone planted a bomb, Larry.
And it wasn't you.

So, would you stop acting like
a selfish asshole.

I need your help.

I'm putting a team together to
take this mystery fucker down.

Team?

Dot and Josh are waiting for us
back at the motel.

You told her where we live.

Are you going to help or not?

I'm in, but I reserve the right
to suspect myself

until proven otherwise.

And if I'm going to be part of
this gang, I want a name.

How about "I'm going to kill you
if you don't shut the fuck up"?

I was thinking more along
the line of "The Avenger"

or "Mastermind".

Let's do this.

Do what? What I've been trying
to get you to do for months now?

I know.
"Shut the fuck up, Larry."

If we can find a common denominator

in the attacks against Richard,
then maybe we can find a lead.

Okay, there's the sexual
graffiti of the mural,

the exhumation of Babs Devon's
corpse, the Mommy video...

Ahem.

Okay, full disclosure, I kind of
broke into the brothel,

stole that hairbrush
and made the Mommy video.

I knew it!

But when we confronted you,
you denied that.

Oh, sweet Jesus, Larry,
it's called a lie.

You naughty girl.

So, what else?

Oh, those Texas Longhorns
in that western shirt

with that fucking bolo tie.

Don't forget the brake cylinder
in Mrs. Mulroney.

Oh, unless that was you too.

You know, Larry,

when a male soldier challenged
Cleopatra's authority,

she'd cut his gonads off and
grind them up for face cream.

You know what else
the ancient Egyptians had?

Syphilis.

Manners. That's right.

And the women wouldn't
arbitrarily torture someone

who's been an emotional wreck

for days and days and days and days.

And, they cooperated.

How else do you think
they got the pyramids built?

Slavery.

I have had it up to here
with you, Miss Lies-A-Lot.

Ooh, my my my, kitty's got claws.

Richard, I cannot work with
this unstable psychopath.

Says the castrated yes man
with no backbone.

For fuck's sake,
can we please focus, on me?

How are we going to
fucking save my ass?

There's always Plan E.

The old bait and tackle.

With a side of scorched Earth.

That just might work.

Okay, listen up, everyone.
This is how it's going down.

We wait until after dark
when the lot's closed

and no one's around,

or at least no one
we give a shit about.

What the fuck is this?

And act busy, deep cover like,
so that shadowy cocksucker

doesn't know
what the fuck we're up to.

And whatever you do, do not
tell Ken what we're up to.

He'll be all over us
like white on rice.

I'll go into my office,

pretend to get drunk and pass out.

Whoever's trying to kill me
will think I'm an easy target.

But when they come to get me,

bam, I'll have a surprise waiting.

Richard, Richard, wake up.

End of the line, fucker.

God damn it.

Meghan, you're Richard's
shadowy figure?

Give me that!

Ah!

Surprise.

Whoa!

Shadowy figure? What the hell
are u u talking about?

The Lebanese mob
subcontracted me to kill you.

Pine nuts, we should have guessed.

You're a hit man?

Yeah, who do you think
planted that bomb?

Why would the Leb mob want me whacked?

Chester Vince took over my debt.

No, no, Bam-Bam Khouri told me
someone else hired them

and then they hired me.

So, this shadowy fucker
is too much of a pussy

to take me on himself?

Where can we find this Bam-Bam?

Okay, I'm not telling you anything.

I'm always up for
a little target practice.

Maybe this can help.

No!

Thank you, Josh.

Yep, here's Bam-Bam's address.

Let's go.

Okay, you guys, untie me.

Seriously, untie me!

Lady Venom does not
get treated like this!

That is a terrible name for a hit man.

Oh, motherfucker!

You got to be fucking kidding me.

Holy shit.

The Beaver Moon Saloon.

Look, railway tracks,
just like in the prophecy.

If you think about it: The fiery
explosion, the shattered glass,

bottle of bourbon, all the signs
Laverne warned you about.

A fucking bar? You couldn't
think to check the yellow pages?

Laverne said
"On the Beaver Moon."

Maybe she meant the roof?

Where are you going?

Where do you think, chisel dick?

I'm going to go confront
that asshole, Bam-Bam,

and find out who wants me dead.

Richard, you cannot go
into that establishment.

Really, Larry? Watch me.

For all we know, that Bam-Bam
will shoot you on sight.

Actually, Larry's right.

"Actually"? Gee, thank you.

Well, then you go and scope it out.

Me?

Yeah.

Well...

Oh, you are pathetic.
Let me out.

No one is going to...

Ah!

No way. Josh, you stay here
and take care of Richard.

I'm going in!

Ow!

That was some good shit.

Yeah, I know.

That must be them.

All righty then, pitter-patter,
let's get at 'er.

What are you doing?

Getting the information we need.

Violence is not the answer.

See, Larry, this is your
problem. You're all talk.

You say you want to help
but you don't have any balls.

Let's keep my capacious
testicles out of this.

You know what you are?

What?

With your 25¢ words and your
cheap ties, you're an enabler.

I am not an enabler.
Now, watch and learn.

Good evening. I'm Larry...

Who hired you to kill
Richard Fitzpatrick?

And you want to know what your
problem is? You are obstinate.

I prefer the term "Tenacio".

Answer me.

I'm just their hired hand.

Please, we don't want any trouble.

We just want to know who hired
you to kill Richard Fitzpatrick.

No? Okay, okay, here we go.

Who wants...

Richard Fitzpatrick.

Hadid.

Hadid. Hadid.

Hadid, yeah. Who's Hadid?

The fuck should I know?

These guys don't tell me anything.

But it is one thing I know.

Three guns are better than one.

Yeah, good.

Well, what are you gonna do now, Larry?

Oh, let me guess. Stand around
and mince with indecision

while this Hadid bastard
kills your boyfriend?

No, I am going to the roof, to confront
this Hadid person.

And, by the way, Richard is a boy
and he is my friend,

so I am not insulted when you say
he is my boyfriend.

You have a lovely establishment.

Hadid?

Hadid, I know you're
expecting Richard.

But if you want him,

you're going to have to
get through me first.

Hadid!

I told you to wait in the car.
It's not safe here.

And you're not wearing a coat.

This is no time for
the silent treatment, mister.

Richard, what are you doing?
Would you stop?

Get away from the ledge.

Richard? Are you sleeping?

You're sleepwalking.

Is that why you've been behaving
so strangely all these months?

On the Beaver Moon,

a deed he did.

Richard, Richard, wake up, it's you!

You're the shadowy figure!

I've got cocaine!

Huh? What?

Where am I?

On the roof of the Beaver Moon.

You were about to
hurl yourself off the edge.

Yeah. So, what are you saying?
There's no cocaine?

It makes perfect sense.

This whole time, you've been
sleepwalking. It's you.

Sleepwalking? What are you
saying? I defaced the mural?

I'm the one who dug up
Babs Devon's body?

I'm the one who told Sonja to leave?

Mr. Fitz?

Leave and never come back.

I wrecked the brakes
in Mrs. Mulroney...

Oh, go fuck yourself, Larry.

Do you know how crazy that sounds?

Richard, we always hurt
the ones we love the most.

And who do you love the most?
Yourself!

Yeah, why settle for second best?

Don't you see?

The only thing you have to do
to survive the Beaver Moon

is cancel the hit
that you placed on yourself.

Too late, fuckers.

Again with the fucking gun?

Meghan, put it down.

Richard does not want to die
and we just made

the most wonderful
psychological breakthrough.

What about my breakthrough?

I finally found something
I'm interested in,

just like you told me too, Larry.

You told her to kill me?

No, I told her to find something
she's passionate about.

Ooh.

Fuck your breakthrough.
This is my hit.

I took out the contract.
I'm the boss. You're fired.

You can't tell me what to do.
I'm my own woman.

I create my own destiny.

And I will not have this family
drag me down any longer.

God damn it!

Ooh.

Ah!

Well, fuck, here we go.

Richard!

Thanks.

You owe me.

Can I work it off in trade?

Richard, Richard,
thank God you survived.

Yeah. Once again,
bourbon saved the day.

Now let's get the fuck out of here.

Wait, this isn't over, mister.
You need help, intense analysis.

Our work here is just beginning.

Doesn't he have an Off switch?

If you find one, let me know.

Richard? Wait.

As agreed.

So long, suckers.

Yes, yes, yes, you too.

Miami or bust.

♪ Travel fast as light
till we're lost from sight ♪

♪ The Earth is like a toy balloon ♪

♪ What a thrill you get
riding on a jet ♪

Hello?

Agent McTaggert?

Yes, sir.

Operation Blackout is a go.

Sorry, Fitzy.

♪ High in the starry blue ♪

♪ I'll be out of this world with you ♪

♪ So away we steal in a space mobile ♪

Well, on the plus side,
these unfortunate events

have galvanized our bond,
Richard. Don't you see?

There's nothing we can't do, buddy.

♪ Destination moon ♪

♪ We'll go up, up, up, up ♪

♪ Straight to the moon, we two ♪

Ring-a-ding-ding, Larry,

ring-a-ding-ding.

♪ I'll be out of this world with you ♪

♪ So away we steal in a space mobile ♪

♪ A supersonic honeymoon ♪

Sync & corrections by Monkeymann

♪ Destination moon ♪

♪ Destination moon ♪