Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 3, Episode 1 - Fuck City Hall - full transcript
After a demolition order shuts the Summerwind down on opening night, Fitz sets out to figure out who's fucking with him... so he can fuck with them first.
Previously on Call Me Fitz.
The car crash,
the afterlife, and the Amish.
I can take whatever that
shadowy motherfuck dishes out
and throw it back twice as hard.
I need your help.
I'm putting a team together
to take this mystery fucker down.
If I was selfish...
there is no way I'd let
a hot piece of ass like you
marry a half-sack
like Chester Vince.
But I can't sell the dealership.
Numbnuts is a partner.
So is that lanky white shadow of his,
and my maggot ex-wife.
But you are the majority partner!
So long, suckers.
Miami or bust.
Beaver Moon Saloon?
You've been sleepwalking!
It's you!
The only thing you have to do
to the Beaver Moon
is cancel the hit that
you placed on yourself!
Too late, fuckers.
Richard, thank God you survived!
Once again, bourbon saved the day.
Finally, everything's comin' up Fitzy.
Ring-a-ding-ding.
Check that adorable shit out.
From the moment I was born,
it was obvious that Fitzy
had what it took
to be number one.
Sex appeal.
Fuckload of charisma.
Jesus, Kid. You stink.
And always being in the right place
at the right time.
Mmmm...
When God gives you this much awesome,
you have no choice but to be king...
T-minus awesome, Richard.
Almost ready to cut the ribbon.
Are the strippers here?
One plays the lute!
Olives? Stuffed.
Bed in the VIP lounge?
I chose not to notice.
Of course you didn't,
you flaccid albino.
But I did, and
everything's ready to roll.
Let's do this.
Real primo crop.
Same stuff the boys had
backstage at the Sands.
Nice.
Hey! Valet's that way!
Nice place you got here, Fitz.
It's always ladies' night
at the Summerwind, Officer.
And here's an opening night present.
Oh, that's nice.
The municipality of Coverton...
environmental survey...
endangered speckled titmouse...
This is a demolition order!
Bull shit.
You're not gonna tear down my
place for some fuckin' mouse.
I think it's a bird.
Mouse. Bird. Who cares?
It lives here. It's endangered.
And this is its protected -
It's a fucking parking lot.
You got enemies in high places, Fitz.
All right!
Everyone! Party's over!
Clear out or we'll
start checking parole orders!
Whoa! Whoa!
Where are you all going?
Come on guys. Drinks half price!
First round only.
No top shelf.
A raid, and we're not even open yet.
Fuck.
Bulldozers rolling in.
Those city fucks want to start
the tear down tomorrow.
Old man's in Miami,
Meghan's rotting in the psych ward,
Mom's AWOL,
who else would want to fuck with me?
You'd think the city
would rally around
its most wholesome citizen.
I make you bar manager and
that's the thanks I get?
Yeah. A real thanks
would have been a moat.
With mermaids.
You made her manager?
Who makes your coffee in the morning
and cleans up the vomit
from the night before?
If anyone should be
number two it's me.
You're always number two to me, Larry.
That's a poop joke!
You're not management material, Larry.
And you never will be.
That is patently untrue and false
and a big fat lie!
Can we please focus here people!
My future is on the line.
And my six month plan.
My pride. My courage!
No, that's the Cowardly Lion.
What do I get to lose?
Your ass if you don't figure out a way
to sabotage that bulldozer stat.
On it.
No way I'm going to let
some stupid mouse stop me.
Fuck city hall.
It's about time this town
had a decent place to drink.
To the titmouse, Asshole.
Fuck.
16,100, and I will personally
clean the back seat for you.
No, I'm good.
15,900! Bye.
Again, you do not make the sale?
Again, they are asking for Fitz!
But, the Ruptals ascended
to power six months ago!
You guys seen my blow torch?
Thought I was using
it the other day...
Cousin, what is he doing here?
We have fired him many, many times.
You want me to remove him?
I'm your elder -
It is my duty to allow you to learn.
Found it!
Fine.
Let us decide
in the way Cousin Rulalabab
chooses suicide bombers.
Rock, papers, pipe bomb.
Perhaps we will do what he did
before he left for flight school.
Ignore the enemy until he goes away?
Beautiful.
♪ Ring-a-ding-ding
Answer the phone ♪
What do you want?
Hey, Jackass.
You flat on your face yet?
Not as flat as your saggy ass.
Hey - they sell
waterproof Depends in Miami?
I get more pussy and blow at 65
then you ever will.
Right, that's why you're calling me.
Things sound awful quiet.
Business must be booming
at that lounge of yours.
It is...
and you can forget about
ever getting a reservation,
you cancerous puss nugget.
That's the best you got?
Hey!
Can someone bring me a scotch!
I'm Ken fucking Fitzpatrick!
This is a nail bar, Asshole.
I'll let you get back
to your boyfriend.
Get the car. Legs!
Where are we going?
As the old saying goes:
If someone tries to fuck
up your dream lounge
then you fuck back harder.
Funny, I don't know that one.
Amateur. Shotgun!
But I always get shotgun.
City Hall - the hallowed
tower of opportunity!
Teach these fuckers to mess with Fitz.
Larry, go shit in this bag. Ew!
That's your plan?
That's only the first part.
Then, we light it on fire.
That's unsanitary.
Finesse, morons.
This is politics.
You need an 'in.'
Otherwise it's red tape
this, procedure that...
Fuck procedure.
Richard you owe
thirty-six-hundred dollars
in parking fines.
You walk through those doors,
you could be arrested.
Something a certain someone
should have known
if she were on top of things...
Fine. You're the conscience.
Go in there and say sorry and shit.
Dot Foxley!
Melody Gray!
I haven't seen you
since you slept your way
through student council.
I'd heard you lost the back forty.
The botox looks great, by the way.
You can barely see the paralysis.
Who is this bad boy?
Call me Fitz.
Hubby?
Oops - no ring.
She stole my job as bar manager!
Bar manager?
Oh, Hon, night jobs
are tough at our age.
With three kids, stay at home hunk
and a successful journalism career
it's all deadlines
and mommy duty for me.
I could use a mommy.
Yeah, so could my eight year-old
but I'm here for yet
another Fundraiser...
My God, I am so sick and tired
of people raising
awareness about things.
If it's not some new disease
then it's an endangered animal.
What the heck is a titmouse, anyway?
Uh, you know...
Richard is most amusing at parties.
You have no idea.
Really?
Well, maybe you could be my plus one.
Looks like I found my "in."
That worked out well, didn't it, Dot?
Blow me.
Open bar?
This is how they spend my tax dollars?
If you paid taxes. Keep it down!
First rule of politics.
You want something done,
you gotta know who to drink with.
And marry a man who lets Mommy swing.
Listen, Gray.
I am not going to let you fuck
or fuck over my business partner.
A little coincidental
that you just happen
to run into the one man
who'd make for great copy
if he goes ape shit
at this fundraiser.
I know!
"Local low life vs. City Hall" -
super catchy, right?
Like the herpes you
gave the chess club.
Richard, any one of
these power hungry titans
could be the villain
threatening to ruin your dream -
and shoe-in for City Councilor -
Chester Vince!
Or it could be exactly
the douchebag we expected.
Heartbreaking cry for help, isn't it?
Would you believe
there are only twelve
of the little guys left?
Rest assure, little Titmouse,
the good people of Coverton
will not let the vice
and filth of this town destroy you!
Care to comment?
No!
Perhaps you could give us a moment.
Simple fucking math.
He shuts down my bar.
I tear his tiny nuts off.
Anyone with a magnifying glass
feel free to tag along.
Richard, wait!
Pummelling Chester won't
get you back the Summerwind!
Let's test that theory.
The last thing we need
is to give ammo to Melody Gray.
She faked incest to
get a poem in our yearbook.
My my, look whose
petty high school rivalry
is tarnishing Richard's reputation?
How are you gonna help,
you oversized Chia Pet?
Stand around, talk about feelings?
I'm a sensitive man
with gentle solutions.
Who knows nothing about politics.
I should be number two!
Richard, would you please
let your conscience
lead for once, and...
New plan.
- You want a shot at Dot's gig.
- Yes!
Go find out whatever you can
from that milquetoast Chester.
And try to blend, for Christ's sake.
What the fuck?
You want to keep your job?
You do whatever it takes
to get your buddy
to turn that story in my favour.
'Course I love the titmouse.
That's why I built my bar there!
Done!
And I'll do what I do best.
Get us arrested?
Work my own connections.
From the inside.
♪ Run from the tiger ♪
You've got to run really fast.
♪ Run from the tiger ♪
♪ Or he's gonna bite your... ♪
Whoa! Hey, guys!
Wow, does this ever look like a bomb
for something that's
clearly not a bomb.
It's a... clock radio.
Ignore him, cousin.
Attached to road flares...
and a detonator.
To wake me up.
It's like they can't see me!
Okay. I see what's going on.
I think it is working, Cousin!
Very soon, the Fitzpatrick lover
will see common sense
and he'll be gone.
Operation Black Out...
I'm invisible! Yeah!
Oh no! Leaving so soon?
Are they out of donut holes?
Oh, Melody.
I could stand here all day
and reminisce about your original nose
but why don't we talk
about how your little news story
is going to get Richard
Fitzpatrick his bar back.
Excuse me,
but I'm an ethical journalist.
I only report the news I manufacture.
Here's news:
You do not want to go to war with me.
Honey, your size two panties
don't fool me.
Look at your life.
Now look at mine.
I have a plan.
Bar manager at a sleazy lounge.
That is some plan.
Oh Foxley, that's
always been your problem.
You keep aiming low
and you'll never
hit the bulls-eye.
So you actually went and
married that ass cracker?
You mean my decent responsible husband
with a promising future?
Then a belated toast to the bride.
Double scotch for the lady.
Nothing for me.
Why don't you just do or say
whatever horrible thing
it is you're inevitably
about to say or do to me.
Get it over with and go. Please.
Sure. As soon as you tell
that yeast infection
you call a husband
to stay the fuck out of my way.
Closing my bar
isn't going to score
points with any voters.
Chester's run for office
has nothing to do with
your sleazy lounge.
Yet he sends a bulldozer
in lieu of flowers.
That's a coincidence.
Chester promised that you
were out of our lives.
It was in the vows.
I know it's hard for you to believe,
but I am over you.
Then walk away.
You walk away.
If that's what you want, I will.
But it's not gonna
help you get over me.
I can, however,
help you get under me...
Thank you so much...
Great to see you.
All the best.
We should have known you were
behind this titmouse treachery.
Uh... No smoking.
Oh, sorry.
If you're here about
that degenerate's bar,
I don't know anything about it.
What has Richard ever done to you?
Aside from repossessing your car,
bankrupting you
having relations with
Ali on your wedding day.
Richard Fitzpatrick is a scourge.
An alcoholic used car
salesman, nothing more.
A man so loathsome and foul,
even his own parents can't stand him.
All true, but he has great potential
and you can't stand in our way.
Says who?
Says Larry.
Would you excuse me?
"Muh muh scuse me?"
Oh God! What have I done?
Genie's beard!
The hummus is...
Yes, this is very good hummus!
The secret ingredient is the garlic.
Delicious, actually.
Looks like I have a date
with the bulldozer!
I'm invincible!
I have seen the heart of darkness!
Breathe, dead mouse! Breathe!
This is what I get for trying
to be something that I'm not!
I'm not management material.
I'm not a smoker.
I'm just... Larry!
Oh, Titmouse -
if you live, as God is my witness,
I promise I will be a
good and true conscience,
without ego, without...
You're alive!
It's a miracle!
You've saved me from my
own personal Armageddon
and you deserve to be free!
You must be free!
Fly, you winged, beautiful -
Flightless bird.
Ahh!
We could do this all night, toots..
Or you call your boy off my bar,
then I show you around the new place.
Some decent booze.
You can grill up a coupla steaks.
You're amazing, Fitz.
Really one of a kind.
That sounds like a yes to me.
You may be able to sell lemons
to cougars and geriatrics
but you don't know how
these people operate.
Trust me - you're out
of your league.
Like hell I am.
Ladies room. Five minutes.
Oh, Fitzy, you're cute and all,
but I'm super hot and ambitious.
And this is City Hall.
I don't do civilians.
Richard, you look upset, are you okay?
Great! Awesome!
Let's just get in the car and drive.
You have my keys, dick-jam.
Oh, nice.
You were just going
to ditch me in there?
The endangered titmouse
is protected by federal law,
and I killed it!
You killed the fucking bird?
What kind of a conscience are you?
Now is not the time
for more Larry bashing.
Nobody's more critical of me than me.
Let's just get in the car and drive
before Chester calls the authorities.
And let that eunuch get in
the way of Fitz's dream?
Ooo, my name is Dot
and I have a manager's title
and a point!
Yes, I do have a point.
The Fitz I know is
a low-life scumbag
who lives his life
exactly the way he wants.
Who cares if he's not married,
has no real career and
a lot of excess skin
from losing a hundred
and thirty pounds!
What the fuck?
There may be only twelve
speckled titmice left -
Eleven.
But how many Richard
Fitzpatrick's are there?
One.
I'm an original.
Last of a dying breed.
Stop encouraging him.
Yeah, I'm one of a kind...
Ring a ding ding, baby.
Ring a ding ding.
Hey baby, if you really
think I don't have
what it takes to play
in the big leagues,
then you won't need to come
by the Summerwind at 3 pm.
And you won't bother bringing
that wad of bread dough you married.
I'd hate for you to find out
he broke your vows.
An-And just so you know,
I played with myself
while I left this message.
And I'm still naked.
Get your hands off me.
Okay, but what about my idea
to acknowledge the titmouse
who sacrificed his
life for this moment?
Yeah, whatever.
Cameras here?
I'll show her a plan.
And where the fuck is Josh?
Alibear, you said we
were going for fro-yo!
Chester, did you have anything to do
with Fitz's bar closing?
What? No.
That's... ridiculous.
Good, then you shouldn't have
any trouble hearing him out.
You had your day on stage.
It's only fair that
he should have his.
They killed my bird!
Okay.
Hey, thanks for making it.
You seem to have found your clothes.
Easy to lose, baby.
Don't make me resent you
any more than I already do.
Resent me?
Why would you resent me?
You should really lay off
the bar snacks, Toots.
Richard, let's do this!
Speech. Colour coded.
Inspirational doodles in the margins.
Richard!
Uh, you probably heard of me.
I'm Fitz.
Richard Fitzpatrick.
Hottest pre-owned car
salesman this side of Detroit.
I'm also a pistol in the sack,
and no, I won't remember
your name in the morning.
But you know what I will remember?
Your favourite brand of gin.
How you like your steak.
And I'll never sit your mistress
and your wife at the same table.
You wanna know why?
Because I'm the last of a breed.
As a friend once said -
One of a kind.
Bla bla blah...
Fuck the titmouse.
Me and my buddies
are the species that
need to be protected.
We need a natural habitat,
a place to call our own,
a place where we're safe.
A place off your streets
where we can listen to Frank
and get our drink on.
But Chester Vince doesn't
think we deserve that.
He wants to shut me down.
Invisibility...
the ultimate weapon!
You want leadership?
The line starts behind me.
You want sex appeal? Boom.
You want protection from the enemy?
I'm your man, not that
pussy Chester Vince.
This is good...
He wants progress?
I want to live.
And have a good time doing it.
Fuck parking
tickets and by-laws.
Let's make this city fun again.
Richard Fitzpatrick isn't just
a used car salesman and a bar owner
I'm a fuckin' leader.
And that's why I'm
running for city council.
That's right. This is my city.
And this is my party, baby.
Because with Fitz on
council, everyday is open bar!
Fitz! Fitz! Fitz!
Nothing can stop us now, Buddy!
Oh, no you don't, Richard Fitzpatrick.
That is my seat in Council.
Mine!
Chester no - Calm down -
Chester! Come back!
You can see me? All of you!
Oh, for fu...!
Stop this thing!
Stop doing that!
Can't stop it!
Dynamite stuck in the -
Oh God! I'm sorry, Vincent!
Chester!
I'm so sorry Vincent!
I'm so sorry!
What the fuck, Josh! Not my bar!
Fuck!
Reporting live
from the Summerwind Lounge,
where local businessman
Richard Fitzpatrick
has once again driven an honest man
to the depths of depravity.
City Council? We'll see...
This is Melody Gray!
This is most fortunate.
Fitzpatrick scum gets
what he deserves.
And now that he is running for office,
we will not see his face
around here ever, ever again.
Booyah!
Richard, like the
death of the titmouse,
the destruction of
your life-long dream
is merely a small setback
on our path to greater glory.
Shut the fuck up, Larry.
Campaign office.
Back garage. Now.
I'm going because I have to pee.
Not because you're the boss of me.
You going to help me win this thing?
Oh, Fitz.
Everyone knows it's the
woman behind the man
who holds the cards.
You're going to win it for me,
it's my new long term plan.
Whatever gets you wet.
Not a chance in hell, Cowboy.
2500 under book and a test ride?
You got my vote, Councillor.
And, he's back.
How about I show you
my election platform?
Okay.
There it is.
What do you think of that? Yeah?
Yeah. Oh yeah.
Vote Fitz, baby.
Fitz for City Council!
Oooh! Yeah!
Sync & corrections by Monkeymann
The car crash,
the afterlife, and the Amish.
I can take whatever that
shadowy motherfuck dishes out
and throw it back twice as hard.
I need your help.
I'm putting a team together
to take this mystery fucker down.
If I was selfish...
there is no way I'd let
a hot piece of ass like you
marry a half-sack
like Chester Vince.
But I can't sell the dealership.
Numbnuts is a partner.
So is that lanky white shadow of his,
and my maggot ex-wife.
But you are the majority partner!
So long, suckers.
Miami or bust.
Beaver Moon Saloon?
You've been sleepwalking!
It's you!
The only thing you have to do
to the Beaver Moon
is cancel the hit that
you placed on yourself!
Too late, fuckers.
Richard, thank God you survived!
Once again, bourbon saved the day.
Finally, everything's comin' up Fitzy.
Ring-a-ding-ding.
Check that adorable shit out.
From the moment I was born,
it was obvious that Fitzy
had what it took
to be number one.
Sex appeal.
Fuckload of charisma.
Jesus, Kid. You stink.
And always being in the right place
at the right time.
Mmmm...
When God gives you this much awesome,
you have no choice but to be king...
T-minus awesome, Richard.
Almost ready to cut the ribbon.
Are the strippers here?
One plays the lute!
Olives? Stuffed.
Bed in the VIP lounge?
I chose not to notice.
Of course you didn't,
you flaccid albino.
But I did, and
everything's ready to roll.
Let's do this.
Real primo crop.
Same stuff the boys had
backstage at the Sands.
Nice.
Hey! Valet's that way!
Nice place you got here, Fitz.
It's always ladies' night
at the Summerwind, Officer.
And here's an opening night present.
Oh, that's nice.
The municipality of Coverton...
environmental survey...
endangered speckled titmouse...
This is a demolition order!
Bull shit.
You're not gonna tear down my
place for some fuckin' mouse.
I think it's a bird.
Mouse. Bird. Who cares?
It lives here. It's endangered.
And this is its protected -
It's a fucking parking lot.
You got enemies in high places, Fitz.
All right!
Everyone! Party's over!
Clear out or we'll
start checking parole orders!
Whoa! Whoa!
Where are you all going?
Come on guys. Drinks half price!
First round only.
No top shelf.
A raid, and we're not even open yet.
Fuck.
Bulldozers rolling in.
Those city fucks want to start
the tear down tomorrow.
Old man's in Miami,
Meghan's rotting in the psych ward,
Mom's AWOL,
who else would want to fuck with me?
You'd think the city
would rally around
its most wholesome citizen.
I make you bar manager and
that's the thanks I get?
Yeah. A real thanks
would have been a moat.
With mermaids.
You made her manager?
Who makes your coffee in the morning
and cleans up the vomit
from the night before?
If anyone should be
number two it's me.
You're always number two to me, Larry.
That's a poop joke!
You're not management material, Larry.
And you never will be.
That is patently untrue and false
and a big fat lie!
Can we please focus here people!
My future is on the line.
And my six month plan.
My pride. My courage!
No, that's the Cowardly Lion.
What do I get to lose?
Your ass if you don't figure out a way
to sabotage that bulldozer stat.
On it.
No way I'm going to let
some stupid mouse stop me.
Fuck city hall.
It's about time this town
had a decent place to drink.
To the titmouse, Asshole.
Fuck.
16,100, and I will personally
clean the back seat for you.
No, I'm good.
15,900! Bye.
Again, you do not make the sale?
Again, they are asking for Fitz!
But, the Ruptals ascended
to power six months ago!
You guys seen my blow torch?
Thought I was using
it the other day...
Cousin, what is he doing here?
We have fired him many, many times.
You want me to remove him?
I'm your elder -
It is my duty to allow you to learn.
Found it!
Fine.
Let us decide
in the way Cousin Rulalabab
chooses suicide bombers.
Rock, papers, pipe bomb.
Perhaps we will do what he did
before he left for flight school.
Ignore the enemy until he goes away?
Beautiful.
♪ Ring-a-ding-ding
Answer the phone ♪
What do you want?
Hey, Jackass.
You flat on your face yet?
Not as flat as your saggy ass.
Hey - they sell
waterproof Depends in Miami?
I get more pussy and blow at 65
then you ever will.
Right, that's why you're calling me.
Things sound awful quiet.
Business must be booming
at that lounge of yours.
It is...
and you can forget about
ever getting a reservation,
you cancerous puss nugget.
That's the best you got?
Hey!
Can someone bring me a scotch!
I'm Ken fucking Fitzpatrick!
This is a nail bar, Asshole.
I'll let you get back
to your boyfriend.
Get the car. Legs!
Where are we going?
As the old saying goes:
If someone tries to fuck
up your dream lounge
then you fuck back harder.
Funny, I don't know that one.
Amateur. Shotgun!
But I always get shotgun.
City Hall - the hallowed
tower of opportunity!
Teach these fuckers to mess with Fitz.
Larry, go shit in this bag. Ew!
That's your plan?
That's only the first part.
Then, we light it on fire.
That's unsanitary.
Finesse, morons.
This is politics.
You need an 'in.'
Otherwise it's red tape
this, procedure that...
Fuck procedure.
Richard you owe
thirty-six-hundred dollars
in parking fines.
You walk through those doors,
you could be arrested.
Something a certain someone
should have known
if she were on top of things...
Fine. You're the conscience.
Go in there and say sorry and shit.
Dot Foxley!
Melody Gray!
I haven't seen you
since you slept your way
through student council.
I'd heard you lost the back forty.
The botox looks great, by the way.
You can barely see the paralysis.
Who is this bad boy?
Call me Fitz.
Hubby?
Oops - no ring.
She stole my job as bar manager!
Bar manager?
Oh, Hon, night jobs
are tough at our age.
With three kids, stay at home hunk
and a successful journalism career
it's all deadlines
and mommy duty for me.
I could use a mommy.
Yeah, so could my eight year-old
but I'm here for yet
another Fundraiser...
My God, I am so sick and tired
of people raising
awareness about things.
If it's not some new disease
then it's an endangered animal.
What the heck is a titmouse, anyway?
Uh, you know...
Richard is most amusing at parties.
You have no idea.
Really?
Well, maybe you could be my plus one.
Looks like I found my "in."
That worked out well, didn't it, Dot?
Blow me.
Open bar?
This is how they spend my tax dollars?
If you paid taxes. Keep it down!
First rule of politics.
You want something done,
you gotta know who to drink with.
And marry a man who lets Mommy swing.
Listen, Gray.
I am not going to let you fuck
or fuck over my business partner.
A little coincidental
that you just happen
to run into the one man
who'd make for great copy
if he goes ape shit
at this fundraiser.
I know!
"Local low life vs. City Hall" -
super catchy, right?
Like the herpes you
gave the chess club.
Richard, any one of
these power hungry titans
could be the villain
threatening to ruin your dream -
and shoe-in for City Councilor -
Chester Vince!
Or it could be exactly
the douchebag we expected.
Heartbreaking cry for help, isn't it?
Would you believe
there are only twelve
of the little guys left?
Rest assure, little Titmouse,
the good people of Coverton
will not let the vice
and filth of this town destroy you!
Care to comment?
No!
Perhaps you could give us a moment.
Simple fucking math.
He shuts down my bar.
I tear his tiny nuts off.
Anyone with a magnifying glass
feel free to tag along.
Richard, wait!
Pummelling Chester won't
get you back the Summerwind!
Let's test that theory.
The last thing we need
is to give ammo to Melody Gray.
She faked incest to
get a poem in our yearbook.
My my, look whose
petty high school rivalry
is tarnishing Richard's reputation?
How are you gonna help,
you oversized Chia Pet?
Stand around, talk about feelings?
I'm a sensitive man
with gentle solutions.
Who knows nothing about politics.
I should be number two!
Richard, would you please
let your conscience
lead for once, and...
New plan.
- You want a shot at Dot's gig.
- Yes!
Go find out whatever you can
from that milquetoast Chester.
And try to blend, for Christ's sake.
What the fuck?
You want to keep your job?
You do whatever it takes
to get your buddy
to turn that story in my favour.
'Course I love the titmouse.
That's why I built my bar there!
Done!
And I'll do what I do best.
Get us arrested?
Work my own connections.
From the inside.
♪ Run from the tiger ♪
You've got to run really fast.
♪ Run from the tiger ♪
♪ Or he's gonna bite your... ♪
Whoa! Hey, guys!
Wow, does this ever look like a bomb
for something that's
clearly not a bomb.
It's a... clock radio.
Ignore him, cousin.
Attached to road flares...
and a detonator.
To wake me up.
It's like they can't see me!
Okay. I see what's going on.
I think it is working, Cousin!
Very soon, the Fitzpatrick lover
will see common sense
and he'll be gone.
Operation Black Out...
I'm invisible! Yeah!
Oh no! Leaving so soon?
Are they out of donut holes?
Oh, Melody.
I could stand here all day
and reminisce about your original nose
but why don't we talk
about how your little news story
is going to get Richard
Fitzpatrick his bar back.
Excuse me,
but I'm an ethical journalist.
I only report the news I manufacture.
Here's news:
You do not want to go to war with me.
Honey, your size two panties
don't fool me.
Look at your life.
Now look at mine.
I have a plan.
Bar manager at a sleazy lounge.
That is some plan.
Oh Foxley, that's
always been your problem.
You keep aiming low
and you'll never
hit the bulls-eye.
So you actually went and
married that ass cracker?
You mean my decent responsible husband
with a promising future?
Then a belated toast to the bride.
Double scotch for the lady.
Nothing for me.
Why don't you just do or say
whatever horrible thing
it is you're inevitably
about to say or do to me.
Get it over with and go. Please.
Sure. As soon as you tell
that yeast infection
you call a husband
to stay the fuck out of my way.
Closing my bar
isn't going to score
points with any voters.
Chester's run for office
has nothing to do with
your sleazy lounge.
Yet he sends a bulldozer
in lieu of flowers.
That's a coincidence.
Chester promised that you
were out of our lives.
It was in the vows.
I know it's hard for you to believe,
but I am over you.
Then walk away.
You walk away.
If that's what you want, I will.
But it's not gonna
help you get over me.
I can, however,
help you get under me...
Thank you so much...
Great to see you.
All the best.
We should have known you were
behind this titmouse treachery.
Uh... No smoking.
Oh, sorry.
If you're here about
that degenerate's bar,
I don't know anything about it.
What has Richard ever done to you?
Aside from repossessing your car,
bankrupting you
having relations with
Ali on your wedding day.
Richard Fitzpatrick is a scourge.
An alcoholic used car
salesman, nothing more.
A man so loathsome and foul,
even his own parents can't stand him.
All true, but he has great potential
and you can't stand in our way.
Says who?
Says Larry.
Would you excuse me?
"Muh muh scuse me?"
Oh God! What have I done?
Genie's beard!
The hummus is...
Yes, this is very good hummus!
The secret ingredient is the garlic.
Delicious, actually.
Looks like I have a date
with the bulldozer!
I'm invincible!
I have seen the heart of darkness!
Breathe, dead mouse! Breathe!
This is what I get for trying
to be something that I'm not!
I'm not management material.
I'm not a smoker.
I'm just... Larry!
Oh, Titmouse -
if you live, as God is my witness,
I promise I will be a
good and true conscience,
without ego, without...
You're alive!
It's a miracle!
You've saved me from my
own personal Armageddon
and you deserve to be free!
You must be free!
Fly, you winged, beautiful -
Flightless bird.
Ahh!
We could do this all night, toots..
Or you call your boy off my bar,
then I show you around the new place.
Some decent booze.
You can grill up a coupla steaks.
You're amazing, Fitz.
Really one of a kind.
That sounds like a yes to me.
You may be able to sell lemons
to cougars and geriatrics
but you don't know how
these people operate.
Trust me - you're out
of your league.
Like hell I am.
Ladies room. Five minutes.
Oh, Fitzy, you're cute and all,
but I'm super hot and ambitious.
And this is City Hall.
I don't do civilians.
Richard, you look upset, are you okay?
Great! Awesome!
Let's just get in the car and drive.
You have my keys, dick-jam.
Oh, nice.
You were just going
to ditch me in there?
The endangered titmouse
is protected by federal law,
and I killed it!
You killed the fucking bird?
What kind of a conscience are you?
Now is not the time
for more Larry bashing.
Nobody's more critical of me than me.
Let's just get in the car and drive
before Chester calls the authorities.
And let that eunuch get in
the way of Fitz's dream?
Ooo, my name is Dot
and I have a manager's title
and a point!
Yes, I do have a point.
The Fitz I know is
a low-life scumbag
who lives his life
exactly the way he wants.
Who cares if he's not married,
has no real career and
a lot of excess skin
from losing a hundred
and thirty pounds!
What the fuck?
There may be only twelve
speckled titmice left -
Eleven.
But how many Richard
Fitzpatrick's are there?
One.
I'm an original.
Last of a dying breed.
Stop encouraging him.
Yeah, I'm one of a kind...
Ring a ding ding, baby.
Ring a ding ding.
Hey baby, if you really
think I don't have
what it takes to play
in the big leagues,
then you won't need to come
by the Summerwind at 3 pm.
And you won't bother bringing
that wad of bread dough you married.
I'd hate for you to find out
he broke your vows.
An-And just so you know,
I played with myself
while I left this message.
And I'm still naked.
Get your hands off me.
Okay, but what about my idea
to acknowledge the titmouse
who sacrificed his
life for this moment?
Yeah, whatever.
Cameras here?
I'll show her a plan.
And where the fuck is Josh?
Alibear, you said we
were going for fro-yo!
Chester, did you have anything to do
with Fitz's bar closing?
What? No.
That's... ridiculous.
Good, then you shouldn't have
any trouble hearing him out.
You had your day on stage.
It's only fair that
he should have his.
They killed my bird!
Okay.
Hey, thanks for making it.
You seem to have found your clothes.
Easy to lose, baby.
Don't make me resent you
any more than I already do.
Resent me?
Why would you resent me?
You should really lay off
the bar snacks, Toots.
Richard, let's do this!
Speech. Colour coded.
Inspirational doodles in the margins.
Richard!
Uh, you probably heard of me.
I'm Fitz.
Richard Fitzpatrick.
Hottest pre-owned car
salesman this side of Detroit.
I'm also a pistol in the sack,
and no, I won't remember
your name in the morning.
But you know what I will remember?
Your favourite brand of gin.
How you like your steak.
And I'll never sit your mistress
and your wife at the same table.
You wanna know why?
Because I'm the last of a breed.
As a friend once said -
One of a kind.
Bla bla blah...
Fuck the titmouse.
Me and my buddies
are the species that
need to be protected.
We need a natural habitat,
a place to call our own,
a place where we're safe.
A place off your streets
where we can listen to Frank
and get our drink on.
But Chester Vince doesn't
think we deserve that.
He wants to shut me down.
Invisibility...
the ultimate weapon!
You want leadership?
The line starts behind me.
You want sex appeal? Boom.
You want protection from the enemy?
I'm your man, not that
pussy Chester Vince.
This is good...
He wants progress?
I want to live.
And have a good time doing it.
Fuck parking
tickets and by-laws.
Let's make this city fun again.
Richard Fitzpatrick isn't just
a used car salesman and a bar owner
I'm a fuckin' leader.
And that's why I'm
running for city council.
That's right. This is my city.
And this is my party, baby.
Because with Fitz on
council, everyday is open bar!
Fitz! Fitz! Fitz!
Nothing can stop us now, Buddy!
Oh, no you don't, Richard Fitzpatrick.
That is my seat in Council.
Mine!
Chester no - Calm down -
Chester! Come back!
You can see me? All of you!
Oh, for fu...!
Stop this thing!
Stop doing that!
Can't stop it!
Dynamite stuck in the -
Oh God! I'm sorry, Vincent!
Chester!
I'm so sorry Vincent!
I'm so sorry!
What the fuck, Josh! Not my bar!
Fuck!
Reporting live
from the Summerwind Lounge,
where local businessman
Richard Fitzpatrick
has once again driven an honest man
to the depths of depravity.
City Council? We'll see...
This is Melody Gray!
This is most fortunate.
Fitzpatrick scum gets
what he deserves.
And now that he is running for office,
we will not see his face
around here ever, ever again.
Booyah!
Richard, like the
death of the titmouse,
the destruction of
your life-long dream
is merely a small setback
on our path to greater glory.
Shut the fuck up, Larry.
Campaign office.
Back garage. Now.
I'm going because I have to pee.
Not because you're the boss of me.
You going to help me win this thing?
Oh, Fitz.
Everyone knows it's the
woman behind the man
who holds the cards.
You're going to win it for me,
it's my new long term plan.
Whatever gets you wet.
Not a chance in hell, Cowboy.
2500 under book and a test ride?
You got my vote, Councillor.
And, he's back.
How about I show you
my election platform?
Okay.
There it is.
What do you think of that? Yeah?
Yeah. Oh yeah.
Vote Fitz, baby.
Fitz for City Council!
Oooh! Yeah!
Sync & corrections by Monkeymann