Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 2, Episode 12 - Hell Hath No Drink Limit - full transcript

Life is a million fucking roads

with only one destination, kids.

The big sleep, deadsville.

Population: everyone.

Take it from Fitzy.

You only get one real advantage
when you're behind the wheel.

You get to choose
where you want to go.

And the radio station.

What the fuck?

Fast-track to awesome!

Why take Gumdrop Lane



when you can bury the pedal
on Highway 69?

What?

Where the hell am I?

This isn't Highway 69.

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

What the fuck?!

♪ Without you ♪

♪ I'd find my smile ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ I'd have won by a mile ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ Oh, life would be so grand ♪

♪ Without you ♪



♪ I'm half a man ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ Without you ♪

I'm tripping, that's it!

Only one way to come down from
a bad batch of fucked-up!

Oh, come on!

Come on, where's my stash?

You won't find alcohol
or drugs here, Richard.

Jesus, Larry!

How can you rag on my vices

when you keep hiding my fucking vices?

I don't know how to say this.

Less saying,
more looking for my drugs.

I think we're dead.

Dead-fucking thirsty!

This is another dream!

No, Richard, it's not a dream.

Don't you remember?

Your crash, the head injury?

You weren't even in the car with me!

Unless I crashed into you.

Please tell me I crashed into you!

You fell!

And when you died, I died too.

'Cause I'm your conscience.

I'm a part of you.

I'm just sorry it took your demise

to prove what I've known
this whole time.

You? No booze?

You?

So, this is hell!

Dream on, kid!

You're not there yet.

Holy shit!

Nicky Vebronsky!

In the flesh.

Flesh?

But aren't we dead?

Who's Mr. Specific?

Oh, I'm Larry!

He's nobody.

Vebronsky, the commission king!

Summer of love,

68 heaps in one afternoon
and they never saw you again.

They said you made a deal
with the devil.

Or I'm just that good.

You sold a tank to a hippie.

You sold a Volkswagen to a rabbi.

Don't forget the kid
I took as collateral.

Fuck, man!

You're an inspiration!

They said you were a charmer, Fitz.

You know who I am?

He knows who I am!

Why do you think I'm here?

Someone of your stature
gets the VIP treatment.

Top-of-the-line spirit guide!

Oh, Richard!

A dead used car salesman
is your spirit guide?

I'm sorry, I failed you!

I tried so hard
to keep you out of hell,

and now here we are!

Once more for the cheap seats,
this ain't hell.

Oh, so...

so we're in purgatory?

The waiting room of the afterlife.

Come on, let me show you around.

See what I can interest you
with today.

What's your poison, Fitz?

Dealer's choice, I trust you.

Let's get started on the paperwork!

Finally!

Tip of the iceberg, kid!

Albertan?

What, are you trying to kill me?

If you want the top-shelf stuff,
you got to head downstairs.

Ring-a-ding-ding,
let's go!

Richard, I think we should keep
our options open.

Maybe heaven has alcohol too,
or something better!

Like... love?

Hey, who's the spirit guide here?

Well, if hell is so much fun,

then why aren't you there, mister?

You had me at top-shelf.

This way, pal!

Yeah!

Wait up!

Look, Fitz, I know
you're the real deal,

but we can't do business
until you ankle that Edsel.

I'm working on it!

I know you are.

Look, take a look around,
get a feel for the place.

Give me a shout.

How will I find you?

You don't find Vebronsky, kid.

Vebronsky finds you.

And if you do get to hell,
tell them Nicky sent you.

Make sure they get it on the books.

Wheels up!

No, no, she's not a woman.

She's a succubus, a sexual demon.

It's a trick!

And my stewardess for all eternity.

Ring-a-ding-ding!

They prefer the term
"flight attendant."

Welcome to hell.

Ban on all outside food and beverage,

recording devices... hope.

We got a great show for you tonight!

Poison-hot cuties
all lined up!

Holy shit!

Hell is the Rat Pack lounge
of my dreams!

Hey, easy buddy!

Vebronsky sent me!

You're not on the list.

Oh, thank God!

Hey, give me some scratch.

I'm sure we can work out
this little oversight.

I don't want money.

I'm a sodomy demon.

Take him.

Uh, no, thank you very much!

Oh, come on, buddy!
Work with me!

I'm a prick!

I've been a prick my whole life!

What's a guy got to do
to get on that list?

Richard, I think I know why
they're not letting you in.

Really?

Illuminate me,
fuck-tard!

The dead, Richard!

Only the dead get into hell.

Don't you see?

We're not dead!

We're still alive, whoo!

Caucasian male, late 30s.

Blunt-force trauma
to the back of the head.

Uh, breathing shallow,
pupils non-responsive.

Signs of extensive drug
and alcohol abuse.

Possible brain damage, over.

Brain damage?

How can you be so calm?

Ativan.

Lady, this man's life is at stake,

and you may be the key
to his survival!

We're doing all we can here, okay?

Maybe your friend should learn

that the speed limit
is not a suggestion.

Now is not the time
for judgements, missy!

I need you to emotionally invest
in this situation.

Put these on.

Of course, anything!

Don't tell me how to do my job!

Hey!

Oh, ah!

What the fuck's your problem?

Fitzy!

He's in the "whee-ooh!"

I think he may be--
he could be--

My son is dead?

Fitzy's dead?

Oh, buddy!

You really think this is a good idea?

Fucking brakes, man!

Why, Fitzy, why!

Cousin, cousin!

Our prayers have been answered.

Richard Fitzpatrick has died

in a flaming ball of twisted metal!

The ne'er-do-well
prince is dead?

The kingdom is weakening!

Step one on our plans
towards automotive domination!

And the king is old.

And in today's economy,
he could use some help

with his mid-level
retirement plans.

Courtesy of the Ruptal world, huh?

Soon, cousin, all of this,
all of it will be ours!

Glory be!

Vebronsky!

Vebronsky?

Aw, come on, man!

You're supposed to be my spirit guide!

Don't leave me hanging!

Richard, he's not coming

because you don't need a spirit guide.

And once we're back
to the land of the living,

we can focus on making you
a better person.

Oh, maybe we'll go organic!

Fuck that!

I've seen hell, and it's awesome, man!

It's time Fitzy gets
rewarded for his sins!

But how do you know it's
not the old bait and switch?

Lure you in, and then
presto-chango,

submit you to an eternity
of genital torture?

Giddy-up!

This isn't just your eternity
we're talking about here!

Fitz!

You've already ruined my life.

You're not ruining my afterlife!

Vebronsky!

Fitzy?

What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be
drinking 80-proof

and getting a lap dance
from Lucrezia Borgia.

Apparently, they're prejudiced.

Said I wasn't on the list

because I'm not dead, or some shit.

Fuck!

Ah, I've seen this before.

You can't die 'cause
your soul's in turmoil.

Fuck turmoil.

I'm all soul, and I know
exactly what I want.

But Larry doesn't.

You telling me that fucker

actually has something
to do with this?

He's a part of you, man.

I can't make that shit up!

Oh, well, that wasn't
the stairway to heaven.

Once again, here you are
to fuck things up!

Or I'm traversing the bowels
of eternity trying to save you,

and make things better for us.

Why you always got to try
and ruin my fun?

If you hadn't got into
that infernal car--

It was your fucking idea!

Do you know how hard
this is for me, Richard?

I'm a busy man!

And as your spirit guide,

I got to insist that you sort out

this whole two-bodies,
one-soul bullshit.

And how would you suggest we do that?

With magic tricks?

I love magic tricks!

Card game.

If Fitzy wins, you both agree
to go to hell.

If I win, mister,
we go somewhere less hot.

Not going to happen.

All right, we got a deal!

Standard dealer's contract,
initial here, here and here.

So, uh, what's it going to be?

Go Fish? Canasta?

No, we're going to play a man's game.

Five-card stud.

Oh, what version?

Jackpots, double draw,
California lowball,

London lowball, little Chicago,
Terracina, shifting sands,

razz, Mississippi stud,

and my personal favourite, the bitch!

Impressive.

What?

You know poker, so I know poker!

Deal.

Enjoying your sandwich?

Gunshot wound, bus crash, twins.

How is your day going?

My day?

Try the last three months, lady.

A carnie fortune-teller
told Richard he'd be murdered,

and when we couldn't find his killer,

he decided to jazz up his obituary

by breaking the county speed record.

Why don't we just skip ahead
to the injury?

I tried to stop him,

and so he changed his route
and then he crashed.

And then, I tied his shoe,
and that made him...

Uh-huh?

I insisted we track down his killer.

I forced him to change his route!

I tied his shoe!

And now, you're cutting off
his oxygen.

Hmm?

Oh!

It's all my fault!

Here's to Richard Fitzpatrick.

May his jinx die with him.

How many more times
are you going to say that today?

As many times as I have to!

Vodka, straight up.

No booze for Legs!
She's pregnant.

I'm not making
the same mistake with you

as I did with those
other two Mongoloids.

If that means you being
locked up in a box

under my bed for nine months,
so be it.

Oh, I terminated the pregnancy.

You're not going to say anything?

What is it with you broads
and talking?

It's over, move on.

I have.

My letter of resignation
is on your desk.

You know, your son never had a chance.

That crash didn't kill him.

His family did.

He's paying.

Do these chips represent
all the bad things I've done?

And those are the bad things
done to you.

I'll open with the women
I've fucked over.

I will call with the one woman
who effed you over.

One.

I will take three.

Let's make things interesting.

Timmy, the boy I wedgied in daycare.

Jan, the girl who shaved your
eyebrow in seventh grade.

Full house, 10s over queens.

Jacks over kings.

Goody!

Ugh!

Deal!

What's happening?

He's convulsing.

Well, what does that mean?

It means I don't get
to finish my sandwich.

What?

Clear!

All right, gents, let's see
what lady luck has to offer.

Every lemon I ever sold.

I will call.
Royal flush!

Fuck me!

I see your credit card scam

with your father's punishment
of your perceived weaknesses.

You going to let him
treat you that way?

Like a girl?
Is that what you are?

I call.

I fold.

That's my boy.

Two pair, aces high.

Look at that!

I got the exact same hand as you.

I thought you were a player.

I'm all in.

Gentlemen, the chips are down.

You know, you just
inherited Fitz's tab.

Heh, heh!

Like fuck I did!

What do you taco benders want?

You are a very amusing man,
Mr. Fitzpatrick.

A man who deserves much more
than disrespect and ill-fortune.

Which is why we come
to you with an offer

that even a man of your
much-disputed greatness

would be a fool to refuse.

My office, tomorrow, 3 o'clock.

One.

I am fine.

Four kings.

You win.

Yes!

I'm going to hell!

Signed, sealed and delivered.

We are going to hell,

and it's going to be fucking awesome!

No, it's not.

You can slow down!

That's it?

I would apologize, but according
to our legal department,

that might be construed as
an admission of culpability.

But he can't be dead!

Richard!

Richard, you can't be dead!

Because I'm not dead!

Live, Richard, live!

Heh, heh!

See you again, sweetheart!

You cheated me!

King of commission baby!

You know what kind of coin
the big guy would pay

for a bastard like you?

We're talking about
a brand-new motor home.

And when I say motor home,

I mean solid-gold tits
for days.

You fucker!

Us tin-slingers are supposed
to stick together!

Vebronsky doesn't do partners.

Unlike you!

Have fun, kid.

Oh, we will.

One last chip.

You went south on us?

You sneaky fuck, that's cheating!

No, no, that's just
my insurance policy,

for Richard's own good.

I suspected Nicky Vebronsky
of treachery

from the moment we met,

and when it became obvious you
were blinded by his charms--

Blah, blah, blah!

No need to get testy!

What do you say, Fitz?

One last hand, winner take all.

My eternal damnation
for a set of gold ti??

Give me that fucking chip, Larry!

No, Richard.

It's all we have left,

and your soul is far
too valuable to gamble.

No!

Get the fuck off me, fruit bar!

You're alive!
You're alive!

Ow, ow, Larry!
My ribs!

Sorry, sorry!

Put the sirens back on.

Oh, Jesus Christ, fuck!

Keep breathing!

My brother's dead.

Wow, I thought I would feel...
something.

Great.

Ugh!

You know what kind of month
I've had, asshole?

Drop the gun!
Drop it!

You're cute.

Too bad I have to kill you.

It's nothing personal!

I was told to send a message
to your brother.

Bad move, moron.

My brother doesn't give a shit
about me!

Especially since he's dead.

He's not dead.

What the fuck you talking about?

Ambulance drivers, all Lebanese.

Your brother is still alive.

Son of a bitch!

Nobody tells me anything around here!

My father's the same way!

And my mother, goddamn it!

You have a talent.

You've seen me dance?

If you let me go,

may I interest you in employment?

Keep talking.

That's phenomenal, Richard.

Get your hands off me!

While I was saving you in real life,

I was also saving you in your dream.

Yeah, whoopty-doo.

Oh, that's okay, buddy.

I know it's hard for you
to show gratitude.

But you know what?

The fact that you're still breathing,

that's all the thanks I need.

I was wrong;
this is my hell.

Hey, Richard?

You know the funniest thing
about all this?

No, Larry, tell me.

What's the funniest thing

about the fact
that a almost died today?

Well, for a minute there,

I actually thought that I was
your shadowy figure.

Hmm, look at that.

Yellow paint on my Italian
leather gloves.

It's kind of like the paint

that was used to deface our mural.

But that's silly!

Next thing you know,
I'll be accusing myself

of digging up Babs Devon's grave!

Mud?

My God, that could be
from Babs Devon's grave!

And my size 13 boot!

But how could I be running
around sabotaging you?

You can't be, Larry.

That's fucking retarded!

What's next?

You shot the mommy video too?

My God!

Why do we always hurt the ones
we love the most?

You just saved me, moron!

Only so I could kill you tomorrow,

on the beaver moon!

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Well, I guess you better
get out of my life then!

You're right.

I will!

Forever.

Forever'd be good.

Goodbye, Richard.

We're almost out of milk,

and the toilet paper's under the sink.

My God.

Is he really fucking serious
this time?

Sync & corrections by Monkeymann