Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 1, Episode 6 - Going Down Syndrome - full transcript

Any dealer worth their shit

knows that the first rule
of dealing with a couple

"is " divide...

and conquer."

So...

Fallen for the mini van myth, huh?

- Okay.
- What mini van myth?

It's affordable, it's practical.

- It's a death trap.
- I've heard that.

The wife's expecting
the husband to quarterback the deal.

It's up to me
to turn him into a lay-down.



Close your eyes for a second.
Go ahead, close your eyes.

It's 3:26 in the morning,

everyone in the house
is fast asleep.

Could baby be sick?
Gotta get to the hospital.

Off we go in the mini van.

Or you can blast the fruit
of your loins to the emergency room

in a 231 horsepower
rocket of safety!

With heated leather seats.

I will not have blood on my hands.

- We are buying the mini van.
- That's when I land the coup de gr?ce.

That's French for kick in the nuts.

You're the boss.
I'll get started on the paperwork.

When I walk back out there,
he'll buy the Z3 for full sticker

just to prove he's in charge.



Larry says we shouldn't use
head games to sell cars.

It's not fair.

Newsflash, honey: Life isn't fair.

If it was, there'd be enough
of me to go around. Which reminds me-

- What are you doing later?
- I'm not just a receptionist anymore,

so you can't use me as a sex toy.

I'm a sales person like you.

Fuck me.

They're taking the SUV.

I could've shown you the SUV,
but you were clear on your price point.

And unlike some people,

I wouldn't want to push you
into a car that you couldn't afford.

You can't put a price tag on love.

Besides, you're worth it.

You're worth it.

He's worth it.

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Not in front of the baby.

Great numbers.
Eight cars in two days.

I'm happy you're happy, sir.

I'm fucking furious.

I've got one real salesman
and a herd of slack-jawed inbreds.

I'm sure
we're all trying our hardest.

This is a car lot,
not a circle jerk.

He's a fucking selling machine.

Watch him, study him, mimic him.

Sell a car today
or your ass is grass.

5 years here and I haven't sold a car.
What am I supposed to do?

- Who is that guy?
- Remember your blood pressure, sir.

Deep breaths!

Eight cars?
Sonya, these numbers can't be right.

- Run them again, would you, babe.
- Let's see.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.

Nope, it all checks out.

He's gotta be doing
some kind of scam.

Not at all. He's totally legit.

No one's that good, except for me.

I don't know.

I've been watching Larry,
studying him.

He's got this laser focus.

He's like a warrior monk.
He doesn't eat or sleep.

He just sells cars and bugs you.

I don't even think
he goes to the bathroom.

- What about women?
- I think they go.

Does he...

like women?

I don't think
I've ever seen him with one.

See, he's like a warrior monk.
He doesn't eat or sleep.

He just sells cars and bugs...

Why do you always
walk away from me when...

It's about time you got here.
I called you over an hour ago.

I am a single mother now.

Excuse me for making sure
my child had a baby sitter.

Don't apologize, be more punctual.
Do you think Larry likes women?

That's your emergency?
A Larry question?

You couldn't have
called me on the phone?

Why do you even care
what team he plays on?

If I can focus Larry's energy
on some broad,

then he's not selling cars.
No car sales, no Larry.

Trying to get Larry laid?

Nice.

You know, if anyone around here
deserves sex, it's me.

I haven't had sex in over 6 months.

For fuck's sake, just put on
something slutty and go into any bar.

Someone's bound to be drunk enough
to take you home.

It's how I meal Saul.
Sex with him...

I want great sex.
I want, like...

hot, dirty push me up
against the wall, lick my face,

take me from behind.
Like, something really special,

like in the movies.

I hear Larry's available.

Fuck you, Dick.

Fuck you very much.

Told you not to call me that.

That's the stuff.

You stole my customers today.

- No, I didn't...
- And when you did, I had an epiphany.

Only a real Fitzpatrick
could steal customers from me.

Recognizing our bond
is the first step towards reintegration.

That's why I want to welcome you
officially to the family.

By getting you laid.

Yeah, that's...

No, I appreciate the offer,
but you don't have to...

because if I didn't...

I'm fine.

- You like dudes, is that it?
- No.

Even when I was inside of you,
I wasn't gay.

I just mean
that I'm your conscience.

Right? So every woman
that you've had, I've had too.

No way you could've got
a tenth of my trim.

Look at me.

- Now look at you.
- Okay.

Now look at me again.

All those women.

All those lies.

You're not going to find
emotional fulfilment

in a string
of meaningless conquests.

Gosh, you're right.

We should discuss this.

Over drinks.

- Boys' night out!
- Yeah.

Any time, sweetheart.

Just put that on the tab, okay?
Gentlemen, to the heart.

And to relationships built
on a foundation of love

- and understanding.
- I'll fucking punch you.

A good woman is like a new car.

- You know what I mean by that?
- Yes, I do.

You treat her with respect,
and everything will run smoothly.

She smells good
and makes your dick hard.

Fuck. I had that one.

I suppose
that is also technically correct,

depending on the circumstances.

You follow my rules

and your pecker will always find
a hole to screw. Number one:

Find the most inebriated woman
in the bar.

Or try to meet a nice woman
who matches your interests.

Gosh, and where would I find a woman
who likes drinking and fucking?

There's one. Dance floor.

Good eyes.

Number two: Get her more inebriated.

Pineappletini for the lady, stat.

And a glass of water as well.
Keep her hydrated.

And three: Don't talk. Dance.

At least if you get shot down,
you can always cop a feel. Observe.

Ask her about herself!

Where was I?

Rule number four: Take her home,

make mad, passionate love to her
until she passes out,

and then make mad,
passionate love to her

one more time.

Richard, can't you see
how shallow and meaningless this is?

Stagette,

2:00.

Stiggety-stagette.

Bachelorettes are
the casual sex trifecta.

I love this song!

They're loaded, horned up,

and so guilty the next morning,
they kick you out.

I know.

She's perfect.

I fell.

I fell!

She's perfect.

This may sound retarded,

but I never believed in love
at first sight until I saw you.

Buy me a light beer
and I'll fuck you.

I've been worried sick!

- Keep your voice down.
- When you didn't answer your phone,

I figured the worst so I drove around
all night looking for your car.

And I hope your new friend doesn't mind,
but I kind of broke her window.

Can you help me find my shirt
so we can get out of here.

There's something
I need to tell you, okay?

Janet is...

- She's special.
- I'll say she's special.

She's got this trick with her tongue
she calls her "toad in the hole".

She's really... "special".

Tell me in the car, okay?

Rule number 5:
Once you get in, get out.

You're leaving?

There's my shirt.

I thought you liked me.

I do.

I do.

I'll be back, baby,
I will, because...

You broke this stallion.

He means...

he likes you.

Jesus, Larry.
She's not fucking retarded.

Oh my gosh, I like you too!

I like you so, so much.

Oh my gosh, wait till I tell Betty.

She's gonna be so jealous.

Guess what. I just had sex!

With a boy!

I know. I met him at the dance
last night and he's so cute.

Say hi. Say hi.

We're sorry. Your call
could not be completed as dialled.

Please make sure
you have the correct number.

Special.

Special.

Janet?

I hear voices.
Did you leave your TV on?

No, Daddy! I just had sex!

Sex?

Dad?

Well, pleased to meet you, sir.

Which one of you
touched my little girl?

- It was him, it was him.
- You sick son of a bitch!

She's 32.

- And brain damaged.
- Daddy, I have had sex before.

She's got the mental capacity
of a 14 year old!

- Stop it or I will hold my breath!
- Let's split the difference. She's 18.

- Actually, that's 9.
- Shut up.

If you split the difference
between 32 and 14, you get 18.

- Split that difference, you get 9.
- Shut up!

- Son of the bitch.
- Janet, calm down!

Seriously, Larry. Shut up.

Is he telling the truth, asshole?

Do you love my little girl?

With all my... heart?

You love me?

'Cause, Richie...
I love you so much.

- What are you doing?
- I know, we're all still reeling

from Chester Vince's
misguided decision

to suppress the overwhelming evidence
against Richard Fitzpatrick.

Well, people are innocent
until proven guilt, okay? Even him.

But then I remembered what you said
about needing a witness to the accident.

I'm not gonna let you
purger yourself.

I don't need to.

You already have one.

A witness? Really?

Who?

Your mom.

That's impossible.
She's in a coma.

She's in a waking coma.

She's been aware of her surroundings

but hasn't been able to communicate.

Until now.

Ask her a question.

Any question, just as long
as it's yes or no.

Remember, one beat for yes,
two for no.

Mom, can you hear me?

I'm glad to see the accident
didn't spoil your sense of humour.

Kara, this is wonderful.

Thank you.

You look exhausted.

Of course I'm exhausted,

because brain-damaged sex

fucking rocks.

- Excuse me?
- And I've had it all.

Cougars,

jailbait,

doubles, triples,
mothers and daughters,

maybe a tranny, I was loaded.

But none of it

was as good as sex with Janet.

How can you take advantage of her

when you know
she's mentally challenged?

I've fucked stupid women before,

and I've fucked women stupid,
but sex with Janet is...

That's Olympic-level boning.

Special Olympic-level boning.

No, this is wrong.

All wrong.

Janet is...

an innocent.

Her love is pure and unconditional,

and I wanted you to feel that love.

I did.

Several times last night.

Not use it to satisfy your own sick

perversions.

Bird's gotta fly.

Richie?

I made us a mix tape
of all the songs we listen to

every time we...

S-E-X each other.

Leave.

You told her father you loved her.

Man was a paratrooper.

A happy death.

You can beat this, okay?

Just breathe with me.

Get out.

- You look very nice.
- Thank you.

Get over here, kitty.

Who's been a bad kitty?

Ready to lick those whiskers, huh?

Show me your tail.

Mother fucker.

Hi, I'm Meghan.

I'm a tourist.
I like long walks on the beach

and dancing in the rain.

My turn-offs are phoney people
and fast runners.

Let's take a second here.

We've both done things
neither of us are proud of,

so let's just call it even

and walk away.

Dangerous.

Get up.

You're gonna suck that tongue
out of my mouth.

You said you like that.

Could you take the helmet off?

Let's take a little break
for a second.

My God.

Are you breaking up with me?

Don't leave me,
'cause everyone, they all think

we're awesome together,
especially Betty.

- Please don't leave me.
- Jesus, Janet, relax. Relax, okay?

Take it easy. I need a little break,
that's all.

You want me to put it in my mouth?
I will. I'll put it my mouth.

Just please don't leave me...

Just hold that thought,
and stay right here, okay?

Kelly, what a surprise.
You really should've called first.

I'm in the middle of something.
You could fit me in later?

Does this stuff really work
on sane, intelligent women?

I don't know. Why don't we discuss it
over a drink?

This isn't actually a social call.

I came to see the look on your face

when I tell you that tomorrow
the county is filing

attempted manslaughter
charges against you.

Not quite the reaction
I was expecting.

Come on.
We both know what this is.

This is the end of you.

I have a witness who will testify
to the fact

that you were driving the car.

Who, that twisted little girl scout?

My mother.

Your comatose mother?

Celebrate your last night as a free man.
You know what?

Have a drink on me.

Thanks.

You are pathetic.

I'll take a sympathy fuck.

Thought I told you
to wait in the office.

I know, but baby, I missed you.
I missed you so much.

Hitting on me while your latest
conquest is in the other room. Classy.

Like Richie would ever hit on you.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- You're not his type.

I am so his type. You...

Not that this would ever happen.
There's no chance in hell.

'Cause he is not my type.
I would never be that desperate.

I'll see you in court.

Let's do that thing
with the trophies again.

I really gotta get back to work.

You are breaking up with me.

I hate you!

I hate you, I hate you!

- You are such a jerk.
- What are you doing with my keys?

- I'm going to scratch your car.
- Not the Alpha.

Not the Alpha!

I hate...

Now the helmet makes sense.

I don't want to die.

- I don't want to fucking die.
- I'm not going to kill you, silly.

- I want the date you promised me.
- I didn't promise you anything.

The date you promised me...

With your eyes.

This reminds me of the time
that I was

camped out on a ridge for four days
in East Timor, waiting for my target.

He never shows, and I got a bullet
with his name on it, so I'm pissed.

Turns out he choked himself
to death while jerking off.

This is exactly like that.

All I'm trying to say is...

Fuck, what was I trying to say?

Government sanctioned execution,
auto-erotic asphyxiation...

Just go with the flow, man!

Being charged with
attempted manslaughter,

I can't exactly
just go with the flow.

I need people to see me
for the lovable scamp that I am.

Get rid of her.

Please tell me you're just
giving Janet a trolley ride

and the trolley ride is not
a euphemism for something.

Everything's candy apples,
numb nuts.

- What did you do?
- Nothing.

I'm totally innocent, for once.

This kind of thing

is exactly what I'm trying
to save you from.

From your own salacious desires.

You're supposed to be
on a healing journey of self-discovery,

not engaged in some twisted
sexual game like this.

Especially on company time.

Jesus, Larry. Judge much.

I am here to help you.

Win by knockout!

Or technical knockout.
It's different.

He's still breathing.

Load 'em up.

Roy? It's Richard.

- Janet's missing.
- Missing?

Some guy broke into
the apartment and took her.

I think he was on drugs.

Drugs. Drugs.

Yeah, he said something about
the Highland Motel, room 17.

I don't know why he was so specific.

Just hurry.

I love her...

so much.

This is perfect.
Once everybody finds her,

poor Janet's reputation
will be ruined.

And if I'm real lucky, Roy'll take
care of Larry when he gets here.

I'm only recently
back on the market.

My husband left me a few weeks ago.

I can hardly believe it myself.
Like, "What?"

But I hope

what's happening here is I'm going
to change this energy that I'm feeling.

But you should know...

I have a son.

I look very youthful,
not like I would have a child, but I do.

But I'm not

just a mother.

I'm also a woman.

I have needs,

desires.

I changed my mind.

Kill me now.

The police!

Help, help! I'm in here!

Babe, you've got to be quiet...

I bruise easy, man!

I don't want to hurt you,
but I will.

Show time.

Officer! Officer!

Room 17. Please hurry.

Right over there.

My daughter's in there!

And the woman I love.

Drop the gun!

What the fuck is that?

He's high jacking your shake-down.

Don't do this.

I'm the fucking victim here.

Did I want to be a purse snatcher?
I'm a palaeontologist!

Mother fucker.

You know what kind of jobs there are

for freelance
fucking palaeontologists?

Jack and shit.

So put the gun down

before I blow her ass meat
all over the parking lot.

You hurt her, I'll kill you!

Yeah. And me too.

You're a palaeontologist.

Everyone shut up.

Shut the fuck up!

Let's all just calm down.

No one has to get hurt.

Do what I say.

I want a chopper,
a million bucks in cash,

a new pair of pants

and a hot shower.

With soap.

Lots of it.

- Keep still.
- Good work, son.

- He tried to attack me.
- She attacked me.

Attacking mentally
challenged girls and old women.

You're going away for a long time.

Who the fuck are you calling old?

You're a hero, son.

You're an honest-to-God hero.

Did you see Larry rescue me?

I really like Larry.

But don't worry...

You're still my boyfriend.

Let's go.

That's sweet.

I love you, Richie!

Call me!

Don't fucking touch me.

Synced by Monkeymann