Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Back End - full transcript

Fitzpatricks are not
a sentimental people.

Looking good!

Tradition, surprises, fuck that!

I've never given
a crap about birthdays,

and I'm sure as shit not gonna
change up my routine now.

And I don't appreciate
anyone else changing it either.

We're ready to go... Dear God!

- Fuck, don't you knock?
- How could you? On such a special day?

It's the old man's birthday!
Not a fucking moon landing!

Okay, Richard,

from now on, we're celebrating
milestones with meaning,



And gifts!

Last chance
to get in on the present!

- Not if my life depended on it!
- I'll take that as a maybe.

I need to see you in... Oh my God!

Don't you knock?

We wanted to do something a little
extra special for the big 63, Mr. F.

So get ready for cake, champagne

and presents!

This should be good.

Happy birthday.

Did you get him anything?

Wait, why, did you?

What, me?

You got that right, sweet cheeks!



Come here.

So, we done here?

We're having fun!

Now we know how stressful it is
to manage us all the time, right?

Always being the top dog, so...

And since
we can't add years to your life,

we're adding life to your...

to your years!

Total Life Spa.

It's whole day of pampering.
They give you mud baths,

and massages, even facials.
And you know what the best part is?

I'm coming with!

What a crock!

What?
You don't think I deserve it?

Thanks, douchebag.

You too, Larry.

Speech!

I never saw the point
of all this birthday nonsense.

But today, I realized it's a great way
to measure how people worship your ass.

Your turn, stupid. What did my one
and only son get me and my honour?

Come on! You know
Megan had nothing to do with that!

- That fruity gift is all Larry!
- Jealous!

Nothing, figures.

Of course I got you something.

It's just... it's not here yet.

But it's one of a kind.
It's amazing!

It's way better than some
dumb-ass spa experience!

Spa your face, asshole!

Where's my fucking bubbly?

None for him.

Show's over, scram.

Don't you see what's happening here?

This emotion,

this frisson
of beautiful anguish. It's the...

I don't think my arm is supposed
to bend that way!

First you interrupt my jizz, then
you show me up in front of the old man?

You're acting out
because you're feeling guilty.

You want your father's approval,
but you don't know how to get it.

And that makes you mad,
and that makes you angry!

And violent, and I don't think...
I can't breathe right now!

You crazy fuck!

Now I've got to waste
a fortune on that old bastard!

You don't have to spend
a fortune at all.

You know,
the best gifts are often homemade.

Do something to remind Ken
of all the moments you've shared.

The only thing that sick fuck
and I ever had in common was porn.

And cars... but mostly porn.

Wait a minute.

That's not a bad idea.

Who's the one person in this world

that the old man loves
more than anyone else?

I think Ken loves you
as much as Megan but...

I'm talking about stripper
and former porn actress Candy Box!

She never fails to get him off,
and at his age that's saying something.

You're not gonna buy
your father a night of sex?

He's far too lazy and selfish
to spend a night in Candy's actual box.

I'm talking about making him
a custom porno starring Candy,

and featuring
all of his favourite shit.

It's the gift that keeps on coming!

That's not what I had in mind!

No, no, that's the opposite
of what I had in mind.

Ring-a-ding-ding, baby!

Ring-a-ding-ding!

We'll shoot it here
when Megan takes the old man

- for his gay spa. Make it a surprise.
- Can I shoot it?

My C.O. said that my recon footage
in Kabul made him cry.

It was either that,
or the exploding livestock.

I've got a great idea for the opening.
Candy comes in,

and asks the young stud
to rotate her tires.

But what she really means
is her boobs.

Nice,
'cause they're both round, I get it.

Now over there I'm seeing
pictures of baseball stars.

Clemens, Jeter, but no one really black,
'cause that's way too threatening.

And Ken shares the birthdays
of Captain Kangaroo and Helen Keller.

- Let's get photos of them too.
- That's hot.

Yeah, and a car.

A car that Ken would really like,
like that '74 Corvette.

That's where the actual
boning'll take place.

Dude, that...

That's gonna be
fucking beautiful, man.

Go fuck yourself.

Interloper!

Caught red-handed.

Who's your operator?
Tell us, come on!

Are you working
for Richard Fitzpatrick?

I would never work
for that lowlife murdering snake!

What do you mean, murdering?

He got away with attempted murder,
and I'm gonna make him pay.

Babs Devin may be one lone victim
of the system, but through her

I will strike a blow against
phallocentric injustice everywhere!

Is the enemy of our enemy our enemy,

or is the enemy of our enemy
our friend, and our enemy's enemy?

- Come again?
- It's more poetic in original Pashto.

- You're pathetic.
- No, listen to me.

We are hard-working,
success-oriented car dealers, huh?

Who happen to share your dislike
for the one who calls himself The Fitz.

Let us tag-team you,
and defeat him as a three-way!

- I said this but I knew it was wrong.
- He must be stopped.

- All this tampering with the produce.
- Truly. Who sells a car

- for 69 dollars?
- No can do.

I already have a guy on the inside.

So, eat me.

We need to discuss
this pornographic film you're proposing.

- Get lost, numb-nuts.
- Even if you convince.

Miss Box to do your film,
I read the script, and frankly,

I've got some problems with it.
Okay, it's crude, misogynistic,

and the story makes no sense.
Who calls a plumber

and then doesn't have the money
to pay for his services?

You convinced me to do something
to show the old man that I care.

And like it or not, in Fitz-speak,

nothing says "I love you"
like homemade porn.

I can't deny you're putting
an awful lot of thought into this.

I was up all night
working on my shot list.

Really?

- It is something Ken might like.
- Oh, Yeah.

And my intentions are good,
and that's all that counts.

Richard Fitzpatrick?

- Call me Fitz.
- Business before pleasure.

If I had a dime
for every time I heard that.

- Here you go, as discussed.
- Where'd you get that?

Let's say your horse came in, which is
a good thing 'cause I sold your car.

You did what?

- We making a movie?
- Action!

Hells yeah.

So, Dick Fitz is a great porn name.

- We ever worked together before, honey?
- I would have remembered that!

- Who are you?
- I'm Larry,

Miss Box. And may I just say,
I loved your work

in T he Curious Case
of Benjamin's Butthole

and Mighty Dicks 6.

- You saw those?
- Well, you did,

so technically I saw them too.

Richard and I have
a complicated relationship.

- I'm here to help him...
- By leaving!

Get out of here, Larry!

Leave,
you'll be an assistant producer.

- I'm an investor!
- Fine, associate producer!

Now get the fuck out of here!

Nice to meet you, Miss Box!
I look forward to working with you!

Very pretty!

Mr. Associate Producer.

Good evening, Mr. Associate Producer!
I'll show you to your seat now!

Fuck!

- Find me a co-star yet?
- See, I've been thinking, Fitzy.

I mean, is this all really legal?

You know, after hours,
non-union, animals and shit?

Since when do you give
a shit about legal?

Sorry I'm late! First day
of pre-production, so exciting!

This is going to be
the best erotic vanity film ever!

- Can I get a what-what?
- Ball shot!

These just arrived.

Normally, I would be offended,
but a real woman owns her sexuality

and doesn't judge
the erotic tastes of others.

But that one is gross.

Would you put that in my office?

You got it.

Gentlemen!

Right over here is where
the real action is gonna take place.

Candy will be waxing

the yellow '74 Corvette.

She'll do a little Marilyn Monroe.

"Happy birthday,

Mr. President,"

- and then - Yes!

I read the script last night,
and I made a couple of tweaks.

For the Love of Ken?

- What the fuck is this?
- What, you don't like it?

It's supposed
to be called Transfuckers!

- Like that car movie?
- Yeah, with the robots.

That was funny!

With their...

Okay, there were
a couple of robots in it.

- I just thought...
- No one cares what you think!

Get out of here before you curse
my set with your unfuckability!

This is so...

relaxing.

Isn't this relaxing, Dad?

I think it's incredibly relaxing.

I haven't been this relaxed in,
I don't even know, years?

I can feel the toxins that have been
building up since Saul left

oozing away.

You could never do
this with Richard.

This is a special moment
between you and me!

Okay, you can... do me now.

Do me now!

When do I get my happy ending?

What the hell is this?

Where's my yellow Corvette?

Is it too much to ask, really?

A man has a vision
of a yellow Corvette.

He's promised a yellow Corvette!

And Goddamn it

I want my yellow Corvette!

Larry said it didn't matter
what car we used.

- You said this?
- It's just a car.

An inanimate object.
What's important

is that you express your feelings
for your father, focusing on the human.

What's important is that my gift
blows Megan's gift out of the water!

Candy's here!

Finally...

a professional.

Come back here and get your toy!

I am not your maid!

Sorry I'm late.

Midget wrangler go AWOL?

The wench who waxes my hoo-ha is
a crazy perfectionist

and she didn't have time to finish,
so you shoot me from the left side.

All right, let's shoot this thang!

Sorry about this shit box.
It was supposed to be a Corvette.

There was a bit of a mix-up,
I admit.

But I think that this colour
brings out the flecks of

gold in your eyes.

Trust me.

Once I get busy, ain't nobody going
to be worrying about my eyes.

- Where's my wood?
- Here you go!

Good time!

Man, really?

I've done worse.
This one movie I shot in Mexico,

it was called Stuff My Taco,
only the guy's frijoles pintos

couldn't even fill a taquito,
if you know what I'm saying.

No, not really.

A taquito's like
a little chimichanga?

I could go for an enchilada.

Could we get going?
I've got a bit of a time crunch.

You're right.

Richard, we don't want to sacrifice
quality by rushing things here.

Because this present could be your last
chance to earn your father's respect.

How about I turn my fist
into a 5-fingered present

and start gifting you in the face?

I'm sure he'll be impressed
no matter how expensive

and fabulous the spa day
with Megan proves to be.

Fuck me!
Candy, you almost ready?

- Just got to shake out the girls.
- Good to go?

Fuck! My back!

Fuck!

- Can someone get me some ice?
- On it!

Candy, I don't mean to press,

but as they say in the industry,
we are going limp here.

Miss Box is injured, okay?

And the health of our cast and crew
is far more important than any film!

Now it's just a film?

What happened to last chance
to earn the old man's respect?

If you give me 5 minutes on my back,
I'll be ready for 5 hours on my back.

- You know what I'm saying?
- I don't.

What'd I say about cell phones?

- Hello?
- Outside, now!

- Fuck!
- Where you going?

We got to shoot this puppy!

It's just an expression,

like can't get wood or pink sock.

Pink sock is where your rectum
prolapses from repeatedly blasted...

- Kids, here's the ice!
- Thanks, doll.

You think maybe we could start
with a scene where I'm sitting down?

Kids, go get Mommy
her muscle relaxants from her purse!

And a beer!

Hot, right?

You...

can't...

- be here!
- Really?

I know what you're doing in there.
You're shooting porn!

You disgust me with
your sexual exploitation of women,

and I need you to put me
in that movie!

You are underage, so no!

That's the whole point.

If I'm in the movie,
then Fitz becomes a child pornographer,

and Kara, the junior survivalist,

gets her man
and her gets-her-man badge!

I am no narc!

So deal with it.

I tell the cops you kissed me,
and you'll be the one going up-river.

So, who's it going to be, Josh?
You, or Fitz?

You know, you can't blackmail me,

not if I do this.

What happened to your precious
incriminating evidence?

What do you think of this?
Or that?

What happens if I did that?

Or maybe if I did
a little bit of this.

- That was your phone.
- Fuck!

You know what?

You still can't come in!

Going to get a new phone!

You ever thought about going pro?

5 or 10 thousand dollars worth of
plastic surgery and you'd be a natural!

Thank you, but

all those different partners,
I don't know.

Honey, I had the same co-star
for years.

Closest thing I ever had to love.

Hairy mother-fucker!

Places!

Think about it.

Let's go, people, come on!

We really need to discuss...

Transfuckers, directed by
Richard Fitzpatrick. Cameraman,

Joshua McTaggert.

Take 1, scene 1, shot 1.

Action!

Get over here!

You sexy mother-fucker!

- My back!
- Cut it!

No, it's fine.
I'm a professional, okay?

I went into labour with that one,
and still managed to gang-bang a whole.

IT department
on IT Department Gang-bang 4.

All right, let's try it again!

Places, everybody, back to one.

Trans-fuckers,
Richard Fitzpatrick director.

Fuck, hurry up, okay!

- We're doing the slate!
- Jesus, action!

I'm supposed
to fucking say, "Action!"

- Say "Action!"
- Here we go, and

action!

Baby!

You are so hot!

Baby!

Check out my master cylinder.

Fuck!

My fucking contact lens!

My God!
It got me right in the eye!

Cutting.

These damn implants get
my spine twisted up like a pretzel.

The things I do to keep
these kids in Montessori.

Call me,
I owe you guys another go-around.

- Okay, dear.
- Boys, up, up and away!

Bye, guys, see you later!

You know, it might not be too late
to write Ken a nice birthday poem?

Here's a poem.

Roses are red, Larry, fuck off!

That doesn't even rhyme.

I could have dropped
you off at home.

It would have given us time
to listen to that CD.

It's very relaxing!
Where... Daddy!

You forgot your body butter!

Shut it down!
What are you, deaf?

That's a wrap!
Show's over, we're done here!

Done?

Done with what, dickwad?

It was supposed to
be a surprise, Sir.

Richard was making a present
for your birthday.

- What, another fucking ashtray?
- No, not another ashtray.

It's a pornographic film!

It was actually very sweet.

He even hired
your fantasy sweetheart.

Candy Box?

How the hell old is she now?

34, you moron.

So, what?
In stripper years, that's like 105.

I haven't cranked the bats
to her in years.

The shoot's not happening.

Our star blew her back out
before she could blow anything else.

- Happy fucking birthday!
- Wait!

You're such a quitter.
One setback, and you bail.

You can't make porn without vagina.

I have a vagina! I could do it.

Or me?

There you go.

You would do that?

As long as it's with Fitz.

Bunch of sick fuckers.

There's no way
that I'm starring in a birthday

present spank movie for my old man!

You got that right!

I don't want to watch it.

I want to sell it!

Money, now there's
a fucking birthday present.

I'm not so sure this is a good idea.

Candy was a trained professional.

This was just another day
at the office for her.

It's sex.

It's not like we haven't had sex
in public before, right babe?

Guilty as charged.

- How do I look?
- Smoking.

Vulnerable.

Making this video for Ken was
your idea.

Now be my conscience and help me!

- How?
- Go fluff something.

Just get out of here!

You sure you're okay with this?

I mean,
I don't need another lawsuit.

Of course I'm sure.

We care about each other,
and I want to help.

You ready?

I just need a minute.

Fuck.

Just a minute.

I bet it's just a case of nerves.

You know, it's... You know what?

Let's help Richard out, okay?

He doesn't have to be the only one
whose epidermis is showing.

Come on, buddy, I'm here for you!
No need to be self-conscious!

Roll camera.

Rolling.

Still, still rolling.

Is everything okay?

Okay, time.

- What are you...
- What's wrong?

- Did I do something wrong?
- The man needs a moment!

Come on, little buddy.

Get your head in the game.

You're having a moment.

- Fuck off.
- I see what's happening here.

There is a part of you
that does not want to do this.

- Yeah, my dick.
- You are no less of a man

because you cannot bring yourself
to exploit Sonya.

I can bring myself
to exploit Sonya just fine!

In fact,
it makes you even more of a man,

and this is more of a gift to Ken
than any old pornographic film!

You are an empath!

Fuck you, I am not!

We're finally working together!

So you won't fool around on camera
with me, but it's okay with him!

- You're ruining my porno!
- You're ruining your own porno!

Get out of my life!

I can't get out of your life
until you're whole again!

Damn it, we're one!

Like two reflections in a mirror!

We're two pieces of a coin.

300,000 hits?

This thing could have made
some real coin,

and that shit stain puts
it online for free.

What you watching there, sweetie?

Uncle Larry
and Uncle Richard fighting.

- What else is new?
- They're not wearing any pants.

I must admit, these production values
are really top-notch.

Cousin, I have to agree.

A wise man once said,
give love and you'll get love in return.

I think it was Jesus,
but it might have been Sting!

You're a dead man, Larry!

We're going down together!

Synced by Monkeymann