Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 1, Episode 4 - Long Con Silver - full transcript
Fitz quickly unloads Elaine's car in hopes of putting their broken relationship behind him for good. But Larry is convinced it was a desperate plea to get her back in his life. Unfortunately for Fitz, that's exactly what happens.
A car is like a woman.
At first,
you can't live without her.
But inevitably,
the ship breaks down.
Nice ride!
This baby has it all!
Stock 500 cubic-inch, 8.2 litre V8,
3- speed automatic transmission.
Wheels!
- How much you selling it for?
- 3 G's.
Dude,
you're practically giving it away!
- Can I have it?
- 3's all it deserves.
Menthols, pantyhose, vinegar.
I knew I smelled a geriatric whore.
What the fuck is your mother's sled
doing in my garage?
Take it easy, old man.
It's as good as gone.
It better be.
I don't want anything that reminds me
of that antique sperm thermos.
It's bad enough
I have to look at you every day.
You wanted her because she was new,
pristine.
But then, there's that first dent.
The mystery scratch.
And one day,
you realize you don't get
that rush of excitement
when you slide
into her and go for a ride.
And when she gets so beat up
you can't even keep her
on the road anymore,
time to dump her on the market.
I must admit
I'm a little concerned with all the...
Oedipal imagery
you painted in that metaphor.
Shut the fuck up!
Look, Richard, I know the trip to Mom's
didn't go as well as we'd hoped, but
did you have to steal her car?
Come on,
get it all out of your system.
Tell me how I'm regressing
when I should be evolving,
that stealing Elaine's car
was classic bad-child behaviour.
Looking to get any attention,
even negative attention.
Well, those are excellent points,
and you're right.
- I probably would say those things.
- Probably?
If I wasn't so terrified
about what she's gonna do
when she finds out we have her car!
This is Mom we're dealing with.
- You know how angry she gets.
- Yes, I do!
Because she's my mother, not yours.
If you'll excuse me,
I have a customer.
Only one way
this car could get any sexier.
Me behind the wheel!
Phil Bouvier.
Richard Fitzpatrick, call me Fitz.
Want to go for a ride?
Why should you be stuck with her?
Let her be somebody else's problem.
Get on with your life,
and in time,
you'll forget she ever existed.
All right, you botched abortion.
Where's my mother-fucking car?
All right, Elaine,
don't shit a shitter.
You're here about
those divorce papers, aren't you?
It's been 25 years,
and you still can't spell!
I know how happy you'd be
if I signed those papers.
The one thing in the world
I hate most is making you happy.
I still have your death
to look forward to.
But right now, I'd just like
to get my fuckin' car back.
- No idea what you're talking about.
- That's what I said!
You know how I know
when you're lying?
Your lips are moving.
Okay!
Okay, it's gone.
Richard already sold it.
I tried to stop him,
but he wouldn't listen. I'm sorry!
This is your dead hooker.
You clean it up!
I want my car.
- And if I say go fuck yourself?
- I'm going to go to the police.
I call bullshit.
You wouldn't be here
if you could go to the police.
You sure you want to make this bet?
House always wins, Mom!
And you're in my house now.
You are skating on thin ice as it is.
How do you think
it would look if your own mother pressed
grand-theft auto charges against you?
He put a woman in a coma,
accidentally of course.
Thanks!
Anything else you want to tell her?
I like your outfit!
24 hours!
That's it.
Yes, ma'am.
Look Richard, I would travel
to the ends of the earth
- to assist you...
- You'll do shit and like it!
But we need to find that car for her,
and we need to get that woman
out of your life before she does
any more damage to your wounded
and possibly irreparable psyche.
Please,
do not leave me here with her.
Mother of God!
Saul,
when are you gonna take out this trash?
Damn it, Saul! Would you get off
the computer and answer me please?
Dad's gone to his new apartment.
Sweetie, don't make up stories.
Your daddy sleeps here, on the couch!
Sometimes,
mommies and daddies grow apart.
And when they do, they have to make
some difficult decisions.
Oh, my God!
He really left this time?
Don't worry, Mom.
It's not your fault.
Are you saying
it's your fault?
What I'm saying
is you and Dad will always love me.
Promise?
Even broken homes
can be happy homes, Mom.
Here's the sales contract.
Your mom seems nice.
Elaine's only capable of two emotions.
Anger and smoking.
A man's relationship with his mother
defines
the kind of husband he'll make.
- Who said that?
- Your mother,
just now.
What else did she say?
- That you'll fire me when I turn 30.
- Don't you see what she's doing?
She's mixing up lies and the truth
so you don't know what to believe.
Just ignore her.
- Which ones are the lies?
- Good fucking question.
Hello, Dul?
What?
I can't believe
the fucker snowed us, man.
Why would he give us
a fake telephone number,
and then pay full sticker?
I just...
I feel so used!
That looks just like him.
What are the odds?
Hey, fuckers!
I need to talk to you
about that car.
I knew that price was
too good to be true.
So you come down here
to tap me for an extra couple grand.
Is that your game?
I want to buy the car back.
No can do.
I don't think you understand.
I need that car!
I tell you what?
I'll play you for it. You win,
I sell you back the car. I win,
you owe me $500. But I got to warn you,
I've been practicing.
Nice!
Fine,
I've been practicing too.
You're good.
Too bad we're not playing darts.
- You said...
- You challenged me,
I get to pick the game.
Staring contest.
- You can't be serious!
- You're getting an unfair advantage.
I'm very handsome.
You sure about this, man?
He is pretty hot.
You're on!
- Ready?
- And primed!
I know you're in here.
Here it is!
I know you're somebody who has
his finger on the pulse around here.
And I need some answers.
Me?
No, not at all!
Actually,
I'm usually the last person
to know what's going on,
which is why
I'm having such a difficult time
dealing with
your son's psychological...
imperfections.
Why does everybody hate me?
Why?
Maybe, and I'm just...
positing a theory here, but...
maybe it's because
you abandoned them over 20 years ago,
leaving two small children
and a borderline sociopath
to fend for themselves.
I mean, what can I say?
I wasn't cut out for it.
I just...
I did it for their own good.
I thought they'd be
stronger without me, especially Richard!
I mean, he hung on me like a...
retarded fungus.
Have you ever told him that?
That you did what you thought
was best for him at the time.
Are you kidding? You think he'd listen
to a word I had to say to him?
Underneath the sarcasm
and chronic alcohol abuse
and shallow self-interest,
Richard is...
really a kind and forgiving man.
And you know what? Maybe, maybe
now that you're here, there's hope
to repair that damaged
mother-and-son bond!
Just work with me here, okay?
Okay.
Fuck!
Pay the man.
I'm still interested in that car.
Actually,
I haven't been honest with you.
Really?
- The truth is, I already flipped it.
- You bought it this morning.
- What can I say? I'm fickle.
- Who'd you sell it to?
I'll play you for that information,
double or nothing!
You're on!
- I fucked your mom!
- What?
Pay up, fucker!
- I got to go to the bank machine.
- I need a drink.
Wine, baguette,
plus I got a brie in my pocket.
Literally!
I didn't expect this
to be a lunch meeting.
Lunch meeting?
- Chester, you didn't think we were...
- What, no, we're peers.
Couple former co-workers getting
together to talk about law.
And yeah, fun!
What's up?
We found the steering wheel
from my mother's accident.
Evidence that she wasn't driving
that car. Richard Fitzpatrick was.
We?
I've been working
with a private investigator.
To falsify evidence for a case
which I've already told you
doesn't have legs?
Just a guess.
Richard Fitzpatrick
almost killed my mother!
Is this about her? Or about the fact
that you have a thing for criminals?
I do not have a thing for criminals.
2005, People vs. Packle Kesselbaum?
You were supposed to put him away,
but you let him put his thing in your...
I'll be lunching alone.
Shit!
Scotch!
Tequila!
What are you doing here?
Larry invited me, dickwad!
What crawled up your ass and died?
Don't answer that. Deal with it
at somebody else's watering hole.
Fuck you.
Larry found out Saul left me
and he told me to meet him here.
He said he had just the thing to
turn my frown upside-down.
- Saul left you?
- Two days ago!
- If you weren't selfish, you noticed.
- I'm selfish?
You haven't slept with him
in six months.
He wouldn't paint the garage!
You're both selfish little shits.
Why did Larry call this meeting?
- It's not the end of the month!
- Larry called you too?
What's going on?
The Fitz family, together again!
- Scotch!
- Bourbon.
Tequila!
Vodka.
Don't fill up on booze!
2 for 1 wings today,
he's bringing it!
Any luck today with
finding Mom's car?
- About that...
- How about you
tell her you failed,
like everything else?
We can do this!
He's gonna find it.
Why this sudden confidence
in this waste of skin?
Alcohol gives me hope.
Another round!
I hear that milquetoast husband of yours
went out and got a spine and...
bolted?
Saul and I are taking a break.
Want some advice?
Not particularly.
Get on out there
and nail as many guys
as you can before you're 45,
because trust me, it'll get
a whole lot harder from there on out.
Right,
I should be like you.
Just dump my kid, go have fun.
When you look back over
your life, Megan,
you won't remember the men
that you've been with.
But you will remember
the ones that got away.
I get it.
This is the TV movie moment
where you reveal
that you had to make a hard choice
between your family and your heart,
and you chose your heart,
and you've regretted it ever since.
And you can tearfully confess
that your childhood was ruined
because you didn't have a mommy.
God, I hate those movies.
I have cancer!
I lost all my hair from chemotherapy.
- Please forgive me!
- Only if you forgive me
for overcoming
adversity with a plucky-
Can-do attitude!
And then the tears,
and the hugs,
and the love!
- Scotch!
- Tequila!
Bourbon!
Vodka, please!
Guys, how you doing? Wings!
You need to come outside
to see something.
It has to do with the yel-do ar-edo.
But the steering wheel!
The fingerprints! I practically wrapped
an indictment up in a bow for you!
Kara, listen to me!
I know how harmful
an obsession can be.
You're a smart girl.
And you're a smart,
attractive woman.
The kind of woman that any girl
would be proud to call mentor!
Okay, well there is no case.
So please, just go... now.
Thank goodness it's safe!
Tomorrow, we're going to march on over
there and buy that car back for you.
Or we could take it back.
You can't just march onto
the Ruptals' lot and take that car.
That's stealing!
And they have security cameras.
There's always the Wellington widow.
The Wellington widow?
I should have known Ken
wouldn't have taught you that.
Bastard had no respect
for the classics.
I know what it is!
I also know it's a 2 man con.
What, you and me?
Hello, stolen car!
Hello, ruined childhood!
Geez, I don't know.
You and your mother spending
quality time together.
That's good, but committing a crime?
That's bad!
Shut the fuck up, Larry!
All you have to do is
get Ken to sign these fake contracts
on the hood of the black Caddy
while Mom and I are on the Ruptals' lot.
I can't do that.
I'd be committing a crime.
You'd be distracting the Ruptals
while I commit a crime.
It's an entirely different thing.
- I don't know.
- Trust, amigo!
Aren't you the one who's going on about
the importance of learning to trust?
- Cadillac's in place, where you wanted.
- I'll give the job to Josh.
- What job?
- He'll screw it up.
- But what job it is?
- Elaine won't get her car back,
and everything you've worked,
this family bonding bullshit unravels.
- That's bullshit!
- Is that what you want?
Come on!
Be a team player for once, fuck!
Come on, lady!
Fuck him!
Fuck Fitzpatrick!
If you want a Caddy,
you come to Ruptal World!
You're under my spell!
Come on!
We've got a better selection
at more reasonable prices!
Come to Ruptal World!
Please!
It does not seem to be working.
Just act like we're making a deal.
Buy this car!
So, what are you going to do
with your share of the money?
Mama needs a new pair of party tits.
What are you going to do with yours?
Waste it on some hookers and blow,
like your old man?
Got a little honey somewhere?
Couple more big sales,
I'm going to open up a place of my own.
You're gonna open up your own lot?
Up against your old man?
I love it!
Summer Wind cocktail lounge.
A real classy joint.
A lounge, huh?
I can actually see you
pulling that off.
You got to stop by. I'll show you
the piece of land I've got picked out.
I might.
They're looking over here,
so let's just shake hands
- like we made a deal.
- Sure.
Make a pass at me.
That wasn't part of the plan?
Grab my ass, and do it now.
It's got to look like business
for these two little genies.
Come on.
Do it again.
- No way!
- Do it again.
Go to hell!
Cousin, yes!
You have hypnotized her!
You have the power!
I am so sorry to bother you.
I've just had the worst week!
It is not a bother!
My Murray...
just...
passed away!
Rectal cancer.
We are truly sorry
that the excesses of.
Western decadence finally overpowered
your Murray's rectum.
His dying wish was
to be buried in a car
- like that.
- It's like our Uncle Farsad,
buried in the belly of a donkey
for being a traitor.
Trader of high-quality
Gucci-like sunglasses.
Ma'am,
I want to apologize.
I called the bank,
and your cheque cleared.
And just to make it up to you, I...
want to give you this $2000 in cash.
You don't have to spend it at Fitz,
but we'd sure appreciate it
if you came back to us.
It's just something to think about.
I'm sure
these fellas have a car too.
Overpriced, of course,
but some people like that.
- I don't know what to do!
- Will you go away?
A man has recently died.
Show some respect, please!
Maybe I should go back
with Mr. Fitzpatrick.
He's repellent, I know,
but he did just give me this cash.
And I did clear
your cashier's cheque for $20,000.
We will honour your cheque
and pay you the difference.
You'll get the car,
get $10,000 and you'll get to keep
Mr. Fitz's money, as well.
I don't know,
that just seems dishonest.
But it is all a moot point now.
Look!
The gangly owner sold the car out
from underneath you!
- Your father is sealing the deal.
- That's right, Fitz!
Now you're the one
that's been god-fuckered!
My Murray led me
to the right people.
- Let's make a deal.
- Please, let's go.
Made 5G's on a 2-grand investment.
Got Mom's car back,
screwed over the Ruptals.
If the old lady sticks around,
we might make some real coin.
Trust, dimwit.
For once, your stupid advice paid off.
Are those the contracts
that Ken signed?
Now,
you give this copy
to that dehydrated testicle
you call your father.
Fake contracts?
No, stupid.
Those are our divorce papers.
My last tether
to this family of losers!
You're here
for those divorce papers?
I'd just like to get
my fucking car back.
- Why does everybody hate me?
- What, you and me?
Why this sudden confidence
in this waste of skin?
Vodka.
Phil, baby, get over here!
- Thanks, fuckers!
- Let's get out of here.
And I really did, you know,
with your mom.
Trust?
Fuck!
That bitch!
Be good, sweetie.
I'll see you in two sleeps.
What do you say
to Daddy's girlfriend?
That your food is better,
and her boobs are fake.
Synced by Monkeymann
At first,
you can't live without her.
But inevitably,
the ship breaks down.
Nice ride!
This baby has it all!
Stock 500 cubic-inch, 8.2 litre V8,
3- speed automatic transmission.
Wheels!
- How much you selling it for?
- 3 G's.
Dude,
you're practically giving it away!
- Can I have it?
- 3's all it deserves.
Menthols, pantyhose, vinegar.
I knew I smelled a geriatric whore.
What the fuck is your mother's sled
doing in my garage?
Take it easy, old man.
It's as good as gone.
It better be.
I don't want anything that reminds me
of that antique sperm thermos.
It's bad enough
I have to look at you every day.
You wanted her because she was new,
pristine.
But then, there's that first dent.
The mystery scratch.
And one day,
you realize you don't get
that rush of excitement
when you slide
into her and go for a ride.
And when she gets so beat up
you can't even keep her
on the road anymore,
time to dump her on the market.
I must admit
I'm a little concerned with all the...
Oedipal imagery
you painted in that metaphor.
Shut the fuck up!
Look, Richard, I know the trip to Mom's
didn't go as well as we'd hoped, but
did you have to steal her car?
Come on,
get it all out of your system.
Tell me how I'm regressing
when I should be evolving,
that stealing Elaine's car
was classic bad-child behaviour.
Looking to get any attention,
even negative attention.
Well, those are excellent points,
and you're right.
- I probably would say those things.
- Probably?
If I wasn't so terrified
about what she's gonna do
when she finds out we have her car!
This is Mom we're dealing with.
- You know how angry she gets.
- Yes, I do!
Because she's my mother, not yours.
If you'll excuse me,
I have a customer.
Only one way
this car could get any sexier.
Me behind the wheel!
Phil Bouvier.
Richard Fitzpatrick, call me Fitz.
Want to go for a ride?
Why should you be stuck with her?
Let her be somebody else's problem.
Get on with your life,
and in time,
you'll forget she ever existed.
All right, you botched abortion.
Where's my mother-fucking car?
All right, Elaine,
don't shit a shitter.
You're here about
those divorce papers, aren't you?
It's been 25 years,
and you still can't spell!
I know how happy you'd be
if I signed those papers.
The one thing in the world
I hate most is making you happy.
I still have your death
to look forward to.
But right now, I'd just like
to get my fuckin' car back.
- No idea what you're talking about.
- That's what I said!
You know how I know
when you're lying?
Your lips are moving.
Okay!
Okay, it's gone.
Richard already sold it.
I tried to stop him,
but he wouldn't listen. I'm sorry!
This is your dead hooker.
You clean it up!
I want my car.
- And if I say go fuck yourself?
- I'm going to go to the police.
I call bullshit.
You wouldn't be here
if you could go to the police.
You sure you want to make this bet?
House always wins, Mom!
And you're in my house now.
You are skating on thin ice as it is.
How do you think
it would look if your own mother pressed
grand-theft auto charges against you?
He put a woman in a coma,
accidentally of course.
Thanks!
Anything else you want to tell her?
I like your outfit!
24 hours!
That's it.
Yes, ma'am.
Look Richard, I would travel
to the ends of the earth
- to assist you...
- You'll do shit and like it!
But we need to find that car for her,
and we need to get that woman
out of your life before she does
any more damage to your wounded
and possibly irreparable psyche.
Please,
do not leave me here with her.
Mother of God!
Saul,
when are you gonna take out this trash?
Damn it, Saul! Would you get off
the computer and answer me please?
Dad's gone to his new apartment.
Sweetie, don't make up stories.
Your daddy sleeps here, on the couch!
Sometimes,
mommies and daddies grow apart.
And when they do, they have to make
some difficult decisions.
Oh, my God!
He really left this time?
Don't worry, Mom.
It's not your fault.
Are you saying
it's your fault?
What I'm saying
is you and Dad will always love me.
Promise?
Even broken homes
can be happy homes, Mom.
Here's the sales contract.
Your mom seems nice.
Elaine's only capable of two emotions.
Anger and smoking.
A man's relationship with his mother
defines
the kind of husband he'll make.
- Who said that?
- Your mother,
just now.
What else did she say?
- That you'll fire me when I turn 30.
- Don't you see what she's doing?
She's mixing up lies and the truth
so you don't know what to believe.
Just ignore her.
- Which ones are the lies?
- Good fucking question.
Hello, Dul?
What?
I can't believe
the fucker snowed us, man.
Why would he give us
a fake telephone number,
and then pay full sticker?
I just...
I feel so used!
That looks just like him.
What are the odds?
Hey, fuckers!
I need to talk to you
about that car.
I knew that price was
too good to be true.
So you come down here
to tap me for an extra couple grand.
Is that your game?
I want to buy the car back.
No can do.
I don't think you understand.
I need that car!
I tell you what?
I'll play you for it. You win,
I sell you back the car. I win,
you owe me $500. But I got to warn you,
I've been practicing.
Nice!
Fine,
I've been practicing too.
You're good.
Too bad we're not playing darts.
- You said...
- You challenged me,
I get to pick the game.
Staring contest.
- You can't be serious!
- You're getting an unfair advantage.
I'm very handsome.
You sure about this, man?
He is pretty hot.
You're on!
- Ready?
- And primed!
I know you're in here.
Here it is!
I know you're somebody who has
his finger on the pulse around here.
And I need some answers.
Me?
No, not at all!
Actually,
I'm usually the last person
to know what's going on,
which is why
I'm having such a difficult time
dealing with
your son's psychological...
imperfections.
Why does everybody hate me?
Why?
Maybe, and I'm just...
positing a theory here, but...
maybe it's because
you abandoned them over 20 years ago,
leaving two small children
and a borderline sociopath
to fend for themselves.
I mean, what can I say?
I wasn't cut out for it.
I just...
I did it for their own good.
I thought they'd be
stronger without me, especially Richard!
I mean, he hung on me like a...
retarded fungus.
Have you ever told him that?
That you did what you thought
was best for him at the time.
Are you kidding? You think he'd listen
to a word I had to say to him?
Underneath the sarcasm
and chronic alcohol abuse
and shallow self-interest,
Richard is...
really a kind and forgiving man.
And you know what? Maybe, maybe
now that you're here, there's hope
to repair that damaged
mother-and-son bond!
Just work with me here, okay?
Okay.
Fuck!
Pay the man.
I'm still interested in that car.
Actually,
I haven't been honest with you.
Really?
- The truth is, I already flipped it.
- You bought it this morning.
- What can I say? I'm fickle.
- Who'd you sell it to?
I'll play you for that information,
double or nothing!
You're on!
- I fucked your mom!
- What?
Pay up, fucker!
- I got to go to the bank machine.
- I need a drink.
Wine, baguette,
plus I got a brie in my pocket.
Literally!
I didn't expect this
to be a lunch meeting.
Lunch meeting?
- Chester, you didn't think we were...
- What, no, we're peers.
Couple former co-workers getting
together to talk about law.
And yeah, fun!
What's up?
We found the steering wheel
from my mother's accident.
Evidence that she wasn't driving
that car. Richard Fitzpatrick was.
We?
I've been working
with a private investigator.
To falsify evidence for a case
which I've already told you
doesn't have legs?
Just a guess.
Richard Fitzpatrick
almost killed my mother!
Is this about her? Or about the fact
that you have a thing for criminals?
I do not have a thing for criminals.
2005, People vs. Packle Kesselbaum?
You were supposed to put him away,
but you let him put his thing in your...
I'll be lunching alone.
Shit!
Scotch!
Tequila!
What are you doing here?
Larry invited me, dickwad!
What crawled up your ass and died?
Don't answer that. Deal with it
at somebody else's watering hole.
Fuck you.
Larry found out Saul left me
and he told me to meet him here.
He said he had just the thing to
turn my frown upside-down.
- Saul left you?
- Two days ago!
- If you weren't selfish, you noticed.
- I'm selfish?
You haven't slept with him
in six months.
He wouldn't paint the garage!
You're both selfish little shits.
Why did Larry call this meeting?
- It's not the end of the month!
- Larry called you too?
What's going on?
The Fitz family, together again!
- Scotch!
- Bourbon.
Tequila!
Vodka.
Don't fill up on booze!
2 for 1 wings today,
he's bringing it!
Any luck today with
finding Mom's car?
- About that...
- How about you
tell her you failed,
like everything else?
We can do this!
He's gonna find it.
Why this sudden confidence
in this waste of skin?
Alcohol gives me hope.
Another round!
I hear that milquetoast husband of yours
went out and got a spine and...
bolted?
Saul and I are taking a break.
Want some advice?
Not particularly.
Get on out there
and nail as many guys
as you can before you're 45,
because trust me, it'll get
a whole lot harder from there on out.
Right,
I should be like you.
Just dump my kid, go have fun.
When you look back over
your life, Megan,
you won't remember the men
that you've been with.
But you will remember
the ones that got away.
I get it.
This is the TV movie moment
where you reveal
that you had to make a hard choice
between your family and your heart,
and you chose your heart,
and you've regretted it ever since.
And you can tearfully confess
that your childhood was ruined
because you didn't have a mommy.
God, I hate those movies.
I have cancer!
I lost all my hair from chemotherapy.
- Please forgive me!
- Only if you forgive me
for overcoming
adversity with a plucky-
Can-do attitude!
And then the tears,
and the hugs,
and the love!
- Scotch!
- Tequila!
Bourbon!
Vodka, please!
Guys, how you doing? Wings!
You need to come outside
to see something.
It has to do with the yel-do ar-edo.
But the steering wheel!
The fingerprints! I practically wrapped
an indictment up in a bow for you!
Kara, listen to me!
I know how harmful
an obsession can be.
You're a smart girl.
And you're a smart,
attractive woman.
The kind of woman that any girl
would be proud to call mentor!
Okay, well there is no case.
So please, just go... now.
Thank goodness it's safe!
Tomorrow, we're going to march on over
there and buy that car back for you.
Or we could take it back.
You can't just march onto
the Ruptals' lot and take that car.
That's stealing!
And they have security cameras.
There's always the Wellington widow.
The Wellington widow?
I should have known Ken
wouldn't have taught you that.
Bastard had no respect
for the classics.
I know what it is!
I also know it's a 2 man con.
What, you and me?
Hello, stolen car!
Hello, ruined childhood!
Geez, I don't know.
You and your mother spending
quality time together.
That's good, but committing a crime?
That's bad!
Shut the fuck up, Larry!
All you have to do is
get Ken to sign these fake contracts
on the hood of the black Caddy
while Mom and I are on the Ruptals' lot.
I can't do that.
I'd be committing a crime.
You'd be distracting the Ruptals
while I commit a crime.
It's an entirely different thing.
- I don't know.
- Trust, amigo!
Aren't you the one who's going on about
the importance of learning to trust?
- Cadillac's in place, where you wanted.
- I'll give the job to Josh.
- What job?
- He'll screw it up.
- But what job it is?
- Elaine won't get her car back,
and everything you've worked,
this family bonding bullshit unravels.
- That's bullshit!
- Is that what you want?
Come on!
Be a team player for once, fuck!
Come on, lady!
Fuck him!
Fuck Fitzpatrick!
If you want a Caddy,
you come to Ruptal World!
You're under my spell!
Come on!
We've got a better selection
at more reasonable prices!
Come to Ruptal World!
Please!
It does not seem to be working.
Just act like we're making a deal.
Buy this car!
So, what are you going to do
with your share of the money?
Mama needs a new pair of party tits.
What are you going to do with yours?
Waste it on some hookers and blow,
like your old man?
Got a little honey somewhere?
Couple more big sales,
I'm going to open up a place of my own.
You're gonna open up your own lot?
Up against your old man?
I love it!
Summer Wind cocktail lounge.
A real classy joint.
A lounge, huh?
I can actually see you
pulling that off.
You got to stop by. I'll show you
the piece of land I've got picked out.
I might.
They're looking over here,
so let's just shake hands
- like we made a deal.
- Sure.
Make a pass at me.
That wasn't part of the plan?
Grab my ass, and do it now.
It's got to look like business
for these two little genies.
Come on.
Do it again.
- No way!
- Do it again.
Go to hell!
Cousin, yes!
You have hypnotized her!
You have the power!
I am so sorry to bother you.
I've just had the worst week!
It is not a bother!
My Murray...
just...
passed away!
Rectal cancer.
We are truly sorry
that the excesses of.
Western decadence finally overpowered
your Murray's rectum.
His dying wish was
to be buried in a car
- like that.
- It's like our Uncle Farsad,
buried in the belly of a donkey
for being a traitor.
Trader of high-quality
Gucci-like sunglasses.
Ma'am,
I want to apologize.
I called the bank,
and your cheque cleared.
And just to make it up to you, I...
want to give you this $2000 in cash.
You don't have to spend it at Fitz,
but we'd sure appreciate it
if you came back to us.
It's just something to think about.
I'm sure
these fellas have a car too.
Overpriced, of course,
but some people like that.
- I don't know what to do!
- Will you go away?
A man has recently died.
Show some respect, please!
Maybe I should go back
with Mr. Fitzpatrick.
He's repellent, I know,
but he did just give me this cash.
And I did clear
your cashier's cheque for $20,000.
We will honour your cheque
and pay you the difference.
You'll get the car,
get $10,000 and you'll get to keep
Mr. Fitz's money, as well.
I don't know,
that just seems dishonest.
But it is all a moot point now.
Look!
The gangly owner sold the car out
from underneath you!
- Your father is sealing the deal.
- That's right, Fitz!
Now you're the one
that's been god-fuckered!
My Murray led me
to the right people.
- Let's make a deal.
- Please, let's go.
Made 5G's on a 2-grand investment.
Got Mom's car back,
screwed over the Ruptals.
If the old lady sticks around,
we might make some real coin.
Trust, dimwit.
For once, your stupid advice paid off.
Are those the contracts
that Ken signed?
Now,
you give this copy
to that dehydrated testicle
you call your father.
Fake contracts?
No, stupid.
Those are our divorce papers.
My last tether
to this family of losers!
You're here
for those divorce papers?
I'd just like to get
my fucking car back.
- Why does everybody hate me?
- What, you and me?
Why this sudden confidence
in this waste of skin?
Vodka.
Phil, baby, get over here!
- Thanks, fuckers!
- Let's get out of here.
And I really did, you know,
with your mom.
Trust?
Fuck!
That bitch!
Be good, sweetie.
I'll see you in two sleeps.
What do you say
to Daddy's girlfriend?
That your food is better,
and her boobs are fake.
Synced by Monkeymann