Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 1, Episode 7 - Diving Bell and the Barbara - full transcript

There are many obstacles a man faces

on the long road to salvation.

Life is a struggle.

And for the longest time, it was one
I thought I would endure on my own.

And then...

you appeared.

I never realized how empty
my life was until I met you.

The debauchery,

the philandering.

But you never judged me.

And I know
we've never really talked, but



it feels like
you've known me forever.

I'm not... proud of my past.

But I also know that

who I was is what brought me here
to this moment.

And I'm not going to let
a little thing like locked-in syndrome

stand in the way of our love.

So,

Babs Devin,

I'm just a guy,

standing in front of a...

largely...

comatose woman,

asking her to marry me.

Is that a yes?



Do you even know what I'm saying?

Is that a "Yes, you'll marry me"
or a "Yes, you know what I'm saying?"

I'll just take that as a yes.

Hello, frownie.

What are you doing here?
Trying to unplug her?

If you must know,
I came by to apologize to your mother.

We had a very nice
heart-to-beep conversation.

Apologize?

You?

Unlike some members
of the Devin family,

your mother has the capacity
for forgiveness.

You expect me to believe you?

As your mother might say,
"Beep beep."

You came
to the right service department.

Those guys over at Bob's Lube World
can't plan a wedding for shit.

- You've planned a wedding before?
- I organized security for a sheik's

public deflowering
of his 100th virgin, same diff.

How many people
are you planning on inviting?

No invites, no one else.

Just a license, a minister

and a couple witnesses.
We got to move fast on this.

If Babs' hot, frigid daughter
finds out what I'm up to,

- there won't be a wedding.
- Hot...

frigid daughter.

Now...
what about the bachelor party?

10 Texas mickeys, is that enough?

I spent a night in a Texas prison
in '06, I think it's enough.

How did things go with Ms. Devin?

Fine. All-Asian stripper theme:
That should lend a certain charm.

That's it? Just fine?
Was it one beep or two?

- Mexican strippers.
- Did she agree not to testify?

- She's not testify?
- You don't want strippers?

Both of you, shut the fuck up.
Josh, listen:

Thai strippers, Cuban cigars,
French ticklers,

Filipino bud, Texas mickeys.

Larry, fuck off.

You're planning a bachelor party.

Shit.

- You're not even...
- Larry, I hate to admit it but

you've taught me
to look beyond the superficial.

Sometimes, you...

find love in the most
unexpected places.

I'm marrying Babs Devin and...

I want you to be my best man.

Him?

This is wrong.

How am I supposed
to believe you're telling the truth?

About love? About actually caring
for that poor woman?

Believe it.

You've changed me.

You have no idea
how much this means to me.

- First order of best man business.
- Matching tuxedoes.

The bachelor party.

I never had a decent birthday as a kid
and Christmas always sucked ass.

Do you know why I didn't care?

Because Fitzpatricks always save it
for the bachelor parties,

and wakes.

This isn't just a list.

It's the ingredients
for my perfect night.

Don't fuck this up.

Never.

There's a customer waiting to test drive
the Cavalier but it only has 3 wheels.

I have a customer
that's waiting to test drive your face.

After Hitler's declaration of war,

German forces
invade and occupy the...

- You're home early.
- You seen my birth certificate?

Why?

I'm getting hitched.

Excuse me?

I sit here alone, day in and day out
with my bikini waxed

and the sincere desire
to love and you...

Relax, it's a scam.

If Babs Devin is my wife
a little thing called.

- "Spousal privilege" kicks in.
- Anal?

She can't testify against me,

something to do with the sanctity
of marriage or some shit.

God, it's always win-win with you.

Even barely-conscious women
want to bang you.

I can't even get a date.

Why don't you just...

No. I won't...

because...

just won't cut it.

I'm a very needy person.

I need to be... held.

- I need to be made love to.
- I didn't grow a vagina

in the last 5 minutes, so I'm gonna cut
this conversation short.

What are you guys talking about?

Video games.

Video games where people masturbate?

They make those?

What are you doing?

Have you started looking for somebody
to officiate the ceremony?

Why don't you get Larry to it?
He's your best man, isn't he?

He has to be. If he finds out
why I'm really getting married,

he'll put the kibosh on it.

"You can't marry the comatose woman"

whose life you recklessly endangered

"just to stay out of prison."

- That was pretty good.
- Not nearly as good as this shit

I got from the best dealer in town.

I gave you that stuff.

Yeah, like I said,
the best dealer in town.

I don't want to go to prison, Josh.

I know what you're trying to do.
Nope.

Okay, just one little hit.

This shit's good.

- Did you light this or did I?
- Listen, Josh,

I got a really important job
for you.

I need you to find me
a minister, ASAP.

Best man update:

Bachelor party starts at 7:00.
Look sharp but don't wear anything

you don't want to roll on the floor
'cause things are gonna get messy.

You made Larry your best man?

Babs and I have known
each other for a...

good time but not a long time,
if you know what I'm saying.

Well, I only got to know Babs after

she fell into the coma.

No, I'm not implying that I fucked her
while she was in the coma.

Oh, come on, like it's worse
than what you guys do.

Hello?

Father Grey?

It's not true, is it?

No, it's not.

I'd have known Josh's messing with me
telling that you were getting married.

- That. Yeah, that's true.
- You said that it wasn't.

That's when I had no idea
what you were talking about.

You wouldn't happen to know
a minister or a rabbi maybe?

What? Hey, you're the one
that wanted to keep it all professional.

Fuck you, dickface.

You look like a girl
who could use a drink.

You smell like a girl
who's had a few already.

I need some girl talk.

You want booze or not?

Damn straight.

Let's hit this.

Oh, here's one.

No wait, I have to be 18.

Damn it!

How am I supposed to relax
and enjoy my bachelor party

when I don't have a minister
for my wedding?

What's a bachelor party?

Justin,

a bachelor party

is the most magical night
in a man's life.

It's like... an amusement park,

a live sex show

and a condemned man's last meal

all rolled into one.

You get to taste and touch and...

love...

longer... and harder

and faster
than you ever have before.

The stories I shouldn't tell you.

One of the best ones ever:

We prison tattooed a penis
on to the groom's forehead.

His wife was so pissed.

It was fantastic.

Boy, I can't wait to flush my life
down the toilet

if it means
I get to have a bachelor party.

You got a suit?

Giddy-up.

One more time: What are the rules?

No trying, no whining,
you can touch if you pay.

You got that right. This party's
gonna be old school, classy,

martinis, Sinatra, just got to have Fitz
in the mix and ring-a-ding-ding.

Surprise!

- What the...
- Fuck!

- Slushy?
- I want my strippers, Larry.

You said you wanted
your dream party and

you never had a birthday party
as a child, so voil?!

Birthday party?

This could be my last night
as a free man

and you give me a kids party?

What?

Strippers, ecstasy, Sinatra, stat.

And?

You're the best man.

And?

And what, Josh?

And I knew that Larry wouldn't buy
your story for getting married.

- Fuck, Josh.
- What do you mean?

I'll get started on the strippers.

The classic car salesman scam?

Shine up the grill so I wouldn't notice
the rusted-out brakes?

You never intended to try
to make it work with Babs!

It doesn't matter now.

I can't find a minister to marry us
so I'm screwed.

And I get to spend my last hurrah
as a free man with you.

Hurrah!

Smart to phone me.

I added some fail-safes
to prevent tampering.

I know how important it is to maintain
the integrity of this system

since it will be used
for official testimony.

It's working fine.

Maybe he was telling the truth.

- Who you calling?
- My man on the inside.

Don't tell her
about the bachelor party,

don't tell her about the party.

Fitz is marrying Babs Devin.

Fuck.

I should have known better.
He wasn't here to apologize to her.

I'm such a fool.

He's a master
in female manipulation.

All he leaves in his wake
are shattered lives.

No way in hell is he marrying
my mother, not an option.

- What are you going to do?
- Find some way to stall him

so I get her moved
to a private facility tomorrow.

Let's break his legs.

I know six ways to make it
look like it was an accident.

I got a better idea.

No last-minute strippers,

unless you want a pregnant one.
They're more expensive.

It costs the same as a duo.

Screw this. I got to find a priest.

How'd you get in here?
Private function.

I said I was family.

So, why the big celebration?
Is it someone's birthday?

It's my retarded co-worker's idea
of a bachelor party.

Bachelor party?

- Who's about to die?
- If you must know, me.

Then let me get you a drink.

You're being nice for a woman

who wouldn't piss on my corpse
a couple days ago.

It's amazing how much an apology
to my mom will get you.

Come on, we're getting dry.

Unfortunately, the bar is closed.

Where there's a will...

there's a way.

Fitz doesn't drink alone.

Fucking men.

Selfish shit.

I mean, how heartless
can somebody be?

To just use you like that

and then just toss you aside?

I always pegged you
as the dumb blonde.

But you're actually
a conscientious brunette

who recognizes the needs of others.

And you could use a touch-up.

You're so much better
without my brother.

The night before my wedding, he tattooed
a penis on Saul's forehead.

That's mean.

- Why didn't we do this sooner?
- I know.

- You're awesome.
- You're awesome.

Party's over.

The party is never over.

I always wanted a sister.

Me too.

Do sisters always hug this long?

I've got a great idea.

"Thanks for nothing, Larry!

I'll just do whatever I want,
marry a vegetable."

Have some of this punch.

It's cold

but it makes my belly warm.

It's delicious.

Come on,

tell me about her.

Who is the woman
who swept you off your feet?

Nothing much to tell.

Discretion.

It must be true love.

To monogamy.

To hell with that.

Come fly with me, baby.

- How about one more drink first?
- First we dance, then we drink.

What kind of bachelor party is this?

I think we can still find some fun.

Thank you.

There are three things I do better
than any man you'll ever meet.

One is sell cars. Two

is dance.

And as for three,

you'll have to use your imagination.

So, this is her plan?

I want to report
some underage drinking at the DUI.

Thank you.

Selling cars is nothing
to brag about.

Selling cars is a means to an end.

I want to open my own place,

a real sexy rat pack kind of place.

You have a dream?

You have no idea.

- Is this the way you roll?
- First guy that

gives you a slushy,
you ditch your friend?

- Slut!
- Hi, Mom.

Shit.

Is that my kid?
I hope he's not tattooed.

Nice parenting.

You want to take this outside?

Bring it, red.

Now, about that third thing.

Use your imagination.

I have,

and we were fabulous together.

My man.

Strippers!

Ladies...

Let's go.

That's it, come on.

Officer, there's obviously been
some misunderstanding.

Yours.

- You amaze me.
- What?

Trying to get me to sleep with you

after you've already tricked
my mother into marrying you.

In my defence, I am pretty drunk.

Now you can nurse your hangover
behind bars instead of at the altar.

You did this, didn't you?

This is what they call serendipity.

I wanted to get you drunk enough

that you wouldn't marry
my mother, but now

you're going to rot behind bars

while I move her
to a private facility and

you're never going to see her again.

You thought you could hide
behind spousal privilege.

Who brought you here?

What, entrapment now?

She did.

What?

Take her downtown too.

You got to be kidding me.

- Didn't see that coming.
- Come on.

Fitz is the enemy.

You've got the wrong girl.

Wait, why are you taking me?

We should do this again sometime.

That was fun.

You know what?

You're really ungrateful.

Now's not the time to
grow a spine, Larry.

It's my turn to speak.

You think it's easy
being your conscience?

It's not, mister,

because you're a very bad man.

Do you ever stop to think

that if you're my conscience,

and you're sitting over there,

there's no more conscience
left up here.

All the bad things I do,

it's kind of your fault.

Why don't you listen to me
once in a while?

Just talk to me, include me,

maybe then you'd be happy.

Or at least not charged with

attempted vehicular manslaughter.

For God's sakes, Larry,
haven't you ever been sick before?

Throw your tie over your shoulder
so you don't get spaggle on it.

Thank you.

That was a very considerate
piece of advice.

If I can get you out of here,

get you to the hospital and

married to Babs Devin,

make this whole car accident thing
go away,

do you promise me

that you will listen to me
from now on?

Even if you could get us out, where are
we going to find a minister in time?

I'm a minister.

Would you perform
a wedding ceremony for us?

Get me out of here,
I'll let you shit on my chest.

What you do, Fitz? Bribe him?

Don't be so crass.

Larry gave the guy
a sweet deal on a Cavalier.

Still think selling cars
is nothing to brag about?

Say goodbye to daddy.

I want my fucking phone call!

Sounds like someone's
begging for a tasering.

Larry, what the fuck did you drink?

- I don't know but it was delicious.
- Get out of my backseat!

Do it now!

I'm so sorry.

Oh my God. Are you okay?

Take my hand.

Fuck! I don't have a ring.

Maybe that hot nurse I used to bang
will lend me her wedding ring.

- You banged a married woman?
- Not now.

I got a ring!

You really are my best man.

- Here.
- Thank you.

Marriage is the most sacred bond.

And like all knots,

it only works
when it is cinched tightly.

To bind together two people,

we use the rings,

symbolic handcuffs, if you will.

Can we cut to the chase?

I do.

And do you, Mrs. Devin,
take this master

to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Stop the wedding!

I do.

My God, they're married.

Synced by Monkeymann