Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 1, Episode 10 - The Kidney Stays in the Picture - full transcript

There are certain things in life
a man just can't do without.

Some of them are happy necessities.

Others are more like a disease,

filthy vices

that threaten to bring you down.

It's life. Think about it.
Everybody needs somebody, right?

That French president has that hot wife,
I got you...

Fuck, it stinks in here.

Don't blame the carpet rot.
That's unrequited love you're smelling.

For fuck's sakes, this may be
a lot of things, but it ain't love.

Let me tell you about love.



The filthiest vice of all.

Makes you weak,
like a night of cheerleaders.

Lots and lots of cheerleaders.

Richard Fitzpatrick is many things,

but he's no junkie.

Seriously,
is there a rehab for giving a shit?

- Good morning.
- Please die.

Wait. You're mad, I get it.

You put yourself out there
emotionally and legally

when you helped Ali Devin
bury her mother and you were rejected.

Were you born stupid
or was it an acquired skill?

Don't misdirect your emotions.

Ali will forgive you, especially

if you promise not to build
your lounge over her mother's corpse.



Who says I want another shot
with that broad?

You and Ali,
you had a good thing going. Kind of.

Been there, screwed that.

I know you don't mean that
and I honestly think...

Please,
tell me what you honestly think.

I'm dying to hear your "never put
your dick in a vagina" perspective.

Come on, enlighten me.

Shut up. Ali was a conquest,
and to be honest, she wasn't that good.

I don't believe you.

Scratch the surface
and only one thing's going to bleed.

You're the reason things got fucked up
with Ali andmy life's in the shitter.

- I want you gone.
- And that's all I want too, Richard.

Don't you know
how hard this is for me?

I've got other things
I'd like to be doing,

but mitigating the collateral damage
of your narcissistic navel-gazing

is a full-time job.

If you could just show me
one act of altruism, one good deed...

- You'd leave?
- No.

But I'd be willing
to take a weekend off.

If you ladies are done kissing.

You already know
of our fine quality inventory

and money back guarantee.

- Death to high prices!
- Death!

Do you know
what is our most precious asset of all?

It is you, the citizen.

That is why we at Ruptal Motors shall
devote the Lord's Day this weekend-

Friday.

To a charity event
benefiting taut children,

and you, the citizen.

Bring in your toy for a taut child

and get 10% off a new used car.

- For charity!
- For children!

- For charity!
- For children!

Those sand monkeys
are onto something.

And it's smarter than anything
you idiots have come up with.

We need a plan.

It's a no-brainer.
We fight fire with fire.

If the Ruptals use charity,
we out charity them so bad

they'll wish
they'd stuck to roadside bombing.

Our own charity event
is not totally stupid.

- Larry, you take care of it.
- Larry? It was my fucking idea.

You don't know squirt about doing good
for anyone except yourself.

If we're going to convince the public
we give this touchy-feely stuff,

I need someone
in touch with his inner twat.

I won't let you down, sir.

You want a hit?

Only thing I want to hit
is that beanpole mother fucker.

Going on about how he's my conscience,
and he does all to make me look good.

Only help he gives is solely designed
to make him look good.

Self preservation, bro.
It's a basic law of physics.

You're high. Or brain-damaged.

Larry says he's your conscience,

ergo it's not in his best interests
to let you be nice,

because then you might become good.

And if that happens...

- Bye bye, Larry.
- Exactly.

I got it.

Great idea, Sonya.

Because balloons are fun
and blood is red,

so people are going to think
that giving blood is fun.

That is exactly what I thought.

A blood drive?

- Boring.
- No, this is a can-do project,

and we're busy, so if your criticism
can't be constructive,

then you can just shoo.

You think the old man is right,

that I don't care
about anyone but myself.

- Yep - I didn't say that.

You know what?
I'll show you fuckers.

No one in this dump's
as charitable as me,

because a charity
is like any other sale.

If you want a fish to give you
their money, you've got to hook them in.

Seafood, Richard?

These are people's lives
we're talking about, people in need.

Exactly my point.

Look at him.

He's adorable.

Crippled and pathetic.

Let's raise money for gimpy there.
He's the one who needs our help.

But everybody hates that guy.

All the more reason to help him.

You see? I'm listening to your advice.
Altruism, good deeds.

Get me another one, asshole.

Shouldn't
the Fitzpatrick Motors poster boy

be a little more...

boylike?

Don't be so short-sighted.

Ned's perfect invalid
for Fitzpatrick Motors.

A little banged up,
but with a lot of heart.

Who wants a pretzel?

You want a fucking pretzel?

You're really serious
about helping him?

Hand to God, Larry.

That's your crotch.

Is everything okay?

You've been
with a lot of guys, right?

Not really, no.

Don't be so modest.

We're modern women.
We can have loose morals now.

Actually. Just Olaf
from my hometown and your brother.

Sure, and all the other guys.

Is there a point to this?

I need a man in my life.

I've tried everything.

The bars...

Everyone says
that you never find true love:

- True love finds you.
- Maybe in romantic comedies,

but this is real life,
where the handsome guy never picks

the perky redhead
over the plastic blonde.

I will help you find a guy.

It's my mom's idea.

Have to pay
the medical bills somehow, right?

Actually kept us going for a while,

but cripples are like puppies:

Adorable when we're young,
but then we get bigger

and people get mad at us
for pissing on the floor.

It's happening.

You poor boy.

What happened?

I'm 15, hitting the slopes

high on life and some killer chronic.

I meet this bunny on the chairlift.
About halfway up,

she tears open my snow pants,
starts polishing my pole.

I knew there was a reason
I loved this guy.

Next thing I know,
I'm headfirst in a tree,

spine snapped in three places.

At least you got one last knob job
before you bit it, right?

Great, memories.

That'll get me through the day.

I've spent my entire adult life
with my face at ass level.

I need 24-hour assistance,

but all I can afford
is this mute fucker here.

He cleans up
my piss and shit all day.

How's that university degree
working out for you?

Your story is heartbreaking
and I want to help.

What do you need?

Can't fix my legs, but a new kidney
would give me a few more years.

We're going to do
whatever it takes to help you.

Those dumb fucks are going to care
about Ned Lutz for a change.

Well, perhaps we can start
by not calling people dumb fucks.

Whatever you say, dumb fuck.

Where is everyone?

Remember
it's the thought that counts.

No, this is bull shit.
I gave Josh the flyers to distribute...

- Oh, fuck.
- There's always next weekend.

Fuck you. Go find yourself
another gimp to dry your tears on.

Ned, wait, wait. Hang on.

I may know a guy who can help us
get this show on the road.

CBWJ, the daily all request station.

Jerry, it's Fitzy.
Remember that sweet ride I put you into?

- Yeah, what was her name again?
- How the fuck should I know?

It's time to return the favour.

I need a couple of minutes of airtime.
I've got an important announcement.

Nicola. Yeah, it was Nicola.
Hold the line, buddy.

- Turn up that radio.
- 10-4 back door.

Got one of CBWJ's friends
on the line,

Richard Fitzpatrick
from Fitzpatrick Motors. Got a request?

I've got a request.

I want the people of this town
to open up their hearts, Jerry.

I'm down here at Fitzpatrick Motors
with my friend Ned Lutz.

- Ned isn't a handsome man.
- Fuck you.

Nor is he a nice man.

What Ned is,
is an adult screwed by the system.

One human being,
a decade of prejudice and neglect.

Ned deserves a second chance here,
but he can't do that without our help.

He needs the money for a new kidney

and I'm not going to rest
until he gets it.

It's the kind of guy I am.

Are you seriously
asking people to donate money

so that you can buy Ned a kidney?

- Isn't that illegal?
- Not if someone gives it to me.

You know,

put the "do" in "donation".

We just need money to help cover
the cost of the surgery, because...

Because I'm gonna give him one of mine.
I have two of those, right?

- What are you doing?
- You heard it here first, folks.

Richard Fitzpatrick is giving
a dying man one of his kidneys.

That's not all we're giving away.
We're practically giving away cars,

So come on down
to Fitzpatrick Motors.

How's that for altruism, fucker?

You're giving that guy a kidney?

- You never give me anything.
- Will you relax?

The chances of a total stranger being
a compatible donor are one in a billion.

Meanwhile, I've proven myself
to be a caring

and compassionate person
made the old man some cash

and best of all,
Larry will be out of my life.

You could still give me something
from time to time.

Just saying.

Everyone, I want to say something.

Yesterday
I was just another worthless cripple

that nobody cared about
because I wasn't pretty enough

for mainstream media.

Well, today that's all changed,
and it's thanks to this man.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves, folks.
There's still a lot of tests to be done.

I hear
it's just a very simple blood test.

Which my nurse
will handle personally.

And, God forbid,

- what if I'm not a match?
- Thanks to the anti-rejection drugs,

that's practically impossible.

- What are you doing?
- Making sure you don't back out.

You've given me
the greatest gift of all:

The gift of life.

With the help of his friends
to see it through.

Way to go, Fitzy!

Say your goodbyes, piss nugget.

What are you looking for?

A relationship, something casual?

A relationship
with lots of casual sex?

I don't think that's possible.

He'll do. Hello.

Let's try to find somebody
who shares your interests.

Do you have any hobbies?

Power walking.

It's an Olympic sport.

Anything else?

I signed up for a taxidermy workshop.

Sure.

I guess guys wouldn't mind
having you do their taxes.

Not taxes.
My God, you're so dumb.

Taxidermy. Like stuffed animals.

It's like teddy bears for grownups.

It's awesome.

Power walking...

- Taxidermy...
- Holocaust documentaries. Love 'em.

You know what, let's start with him.

Great.

Go get him.

What?

I told you I needed
your help getting a guy, so...

Fetch.

I'm totally not joking.

Now.

No drinks for you.

- You're giving away a kidney.
- Quit around.

Don't.

Thanks, jerkwad.

Now I'm nauseous.

That's not nausea, that's guilt.

And you know why?
Because deep down

you know you're not going
to go through with this.

Contrary to popular opinion,

I actually do give a shit about crap.

- Really?
- Yeah.

If you really want to make
a difference in that man's life,

you won't have this drink.

How come every time
I try to do something good

you tell me to be bad?

That's not true.

What's this?

I'm trying to prove a point.

And yet all you've done
is proven mine.

You don't want me to be good,

because if I change,
you'll be out of a job.

That's what I thought.

All night long he was,

"When's your friend back?
"What's her name?

Does she have a security system?"

Did you tell him?

Like I'm going to wrap him up
in a bow and just give him to you.

You can have any guy you want,
obviously.

Why can't I have just one?

What about the internet?

Isn't everyone finding
their soulmate online these days?

Just pathetic people
who post misleading photos

and lie about their age
and take you to Burger King,

you can't have anything
because you're gluten intolerant,

and you have to sit for three hours
and listen to stories about their cats!

Or so I've heard.

Don't worry.

Love will find you.

I promise.

What do you know?

You're still carrying a torch
for my degenerate brother.

We're good to go.

Tomorrow morning.
I'll keep you posted.

There he is. There's my saviour.

- Still feeling it?
- You know it, pal.

- So what did the blood test say?
- Good news, amigo.

Of course it is.

We're a perfect match.

He says genetically
we could've been separated at birth.

You're not having second thoughts?

I'm feeling a little feverish,
that's all.

Check him.

It's okay.

It's probably nerves.
Or the DTs.

Don't sweat it. In a couple of days
you'll be high on some painkillers.

Plus think of all the hero sex
you're gonna score.

The address for the clinic.

They want us there
at 5:00am for prep.

See you tomorrow.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Fuck.

Nice beaver.

What?

Thank you.

Nice cock.

This is an armadillo.

Right.

Easy.

Just follow the light.

Good.

Any other symptoms
you can tell me about?

Light-headed,

tired,

nauseous.

I've got this wicked sore
on my balls.

I'm not a urologist or anything,
but I'm sure you've got syphilis.

Can I still donate a kidney?

I wouldn't donate spit
until you've got that cleaned up.

Scotch! Make it a double!

- Sure.
- You want anything, doc?

I'm good.

Let me help you with your magnificently
deceased water dweller.

I got it. Thank you.

My pleasure.

Darling.

It's Larry.

I've been thinking
about what you said,

and I am afraid

that if you change,

I will cease to exist.

But I won't let my self preservation

stand in the way of
your emotional journey any longer.

If you donate your kidney

and I...

and I disappear,

it will be worth it

because it means that you've truly

truly changed.

I'm here to take you to the clinic.

God.

That'll put hair on your balls.

How are your balls, anyways?

Is that where the STD shows up first?

Remind me to tell you about Enrique,
this bag man that I met in Peru.

He had the clap so bad
that his balls...

Shut it, cock hole!

My bad.

Zip it and lock it,
put it in my pocket.

I don't believe this.

One cream soda for the sexually
frustrated lamp stand.

It's 3:45 in the morning.

You have surgery
in one hour, or did you forget?

Didn't forget.
It's not happening.

I should've known.
You are incapable

of helping others.
But not this time.

You made a commitment
to donate your kidney

and whether your altruism
was real or not,

Ned needs that organ.

Ned doesn't want my organ.

Not after
a bottle of Kentucky's finest.

He'd be pissed.

I should've known
that you'd didn't have it in you.

Why don't you get lost,
you sanctimonious prick?

Fucking prick.

I won't because I can't.

Someone needs to give Ned a kidney.

He will not die because
of your selfishness.

Be my guest.

Save it.

I already made arrangements
to fill in for you,

and why?

Because
as much as I did not want to admit it,

I knew that deep down
you are incapable

of even one act of true kindness.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

- How do you think Larry's doing?
- Who gives a fuck.

You've got to admit, giving his kidney
because you couldn't: That's friendship.

That's grandstanding.
This is friendship.

Don't even.

The only time that you call me

is when you want to have a good time
or dump a body, and I'm cool.

But Larry?

He gets you out of shit even
when you don't know you're in it.

He is not my friend and he sure
as hell isn't my conscience.

He's not your conscience.
He's your soulmate.

Soulmate...
What are you on, crack?

- Not any more.
- Nice charity work.

Like you give a shit
if that guy lives or dies.

I don't care about him.
I care about this place.

You look bad,
my dealership looks bad.

It's covered, old man. Saint Larry's
offering up his kidney right now.

If I play my cards right, maybe I can
get rid of him one organ at a time.

How are you going to do that, putz?

He hasn't even had a blood test.

You can't call up at the last minute
and offer up a kidney.

- You're even stupider than he is.
- Ken's right.

- For all they know, he's got syphilis.
- They couldn't tell that I had it...

Fuck.

You couldn't smell a scam rammed
up your ass and made out of cheese.

- That's just disgusting.
- Fuck.

It looks like you got your wish.
Bye bye, Larry.

Where are you going?

Where are you going?!

Ned took my kidney, Richard,

and that nurse... very mean.

I need an ambulance,
1486 Miller Grove.

It's not even for him.

He's going to sell it
on the black market.

I know.
They never did a blood test on me.

They would have found out
I've got syphilis.

You need to notify
your recent sexual partners right away.

- Full disclosure.
- Shut up and think about yourself.

You just lost a kidney.
Be a little selfish.

I don't mind.

Because of this,
I got to witness the greatest act

of altruism of all.

You came for me, partner.

Don't read too much into this.

I love you, Richard.

Come on, man.
This is a new suit.

Fuck.

Beautiful man.

You two...

We should probably get out of here.

Synced by Monkeymann