Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 1, Episode 11 - This Business Has Been Homicide Free for... Days - full transcript

I come from a long line of heroes.

Vikings, pirates, highwaymen.

Adventure was our reward.

Adventure,
and all the women we could plunder.

Genetically,
it's impossible for me to be a pussy.

Larry's ancestors,

they had their heads
caved in by my ancestors.

Look at him:

Textbook wuss.

"I lost my kidney a whole week ago,
doing a good deed."

"Fuss on me."



"I'm gonna pretend I care about you
because you make me money."

"I'll do anything to make you love me.
Just please, validate me."

- Wait, is he talking about drugs?
- I'm talking about drugs.

I got oxy, Percs, horse tranqs.

I don't remember
what this green one is.

It's candy.

My natural filtration system
is compromised,

so I really should avoid
any toxic substances.

I'll take a Percocet.

You can have all the drugs you want,
when you lose a kidney.

Hold my calls.

I hate to be a bother, but I...

Oh. Of course.

God dammit. Why are you doting on him?
You haven't wiped my ass in months.



That was one time.

Larry's not the only one
around here who's in agony.

My nut bag is on fire
and no one's giving me any love.

Why is your nut bag on fire?

No reason.

Fuck me hard in the ass, that hurts.

You have an STD?
It's just a little syphilitic sore.

Syphilis?
When were you planning on telling me?

Why do you have to be
such a selfish bastard?

Maybe you should flip through this.
It might answer some of your questions.

I gave her syphilis.
So shoot me.

- This Business
Has Been Homicide Free for... Days -

Well, this won't do.

This won't do at all.

Listen, Kara, thanks for your daily,
threatening phone call.

Your consistency is awesome.
But take care of Fitz on your own.

- I didn't do it. I wasn't here.
- This garage is a mess.

There's grease and oil everywhere.
I can feel my pores clogging up.

Things are gonnachange
now that I am in charge.

First of all,
we're sanitizing this place.

Second of all...

3-way bolt-action, extended barrel.

Assault!

Sniper!

- Let go of me. What are you doing?
- Quiet! Quiet.

Sleeping with me is not gonna get you
any privileges.

Unless you go down on me first.
No! Forget that. I'm seeing someone...

- Richard, What are you doing?
- Get down, numb nuts.

Haven't you ever been shot at before?

- Never.
- I have and trust me.

If you don't wanna lose anything,
you get your asses on the ground.

You're imagining things.
That wasn't a shot.

A rock just kicked up from the ground
at the same time that a car backfired.

- Who would wanna shoot you?
- Are you kidding me?

A client with road rage, Janet's dad,
those black-market kidney traders.

Fuck, it could be anyone
who just tested positive for syphilis.

Paranoid delusions
are just another form of narcissism.

And a common symptom
of tertiary stage syphilis.

Incoming!

Are you all right?
Oh, my God! You've been hit.

You still think I'm crazy?

It's okay.
It's just a seepage from my incision.

Thank God.

Let's get you to safety.
Follow me.

Sonja. A little help?

- You can take care of yourself.
- I'm injured too!

Yeah, STDs don't count.

Unit 8.

Shots fired.

Vicinity of Commercial and Union.

Fitzpatrick Motors.

Unit 8 responding.
Shots fired, Fitzpatrick Motors.

Rolling out.

What have you got there?

Tuna melt. You?

Turkey brie.

Saul. It's gonna be Saul.

He's hired someone to kill me
so he can have full custody of Justin.

Can you keep a secret?
I got some new product.

- Big haul.
- It makes sense.

He called child services on me.

Those Philippino middle-schoolers
are expanding their turf.

- Tough little fuckers.
- When that plan failed,

he jumped to this final solution.
He calls himself a Jew.

You sell to one kid at recess...

One kid at recess...
He practically had a beard.

And all of a sudden,
I'm the one that's encroaching?

Where are you going?

Get back here. I'm scared!

What is that? Is that...

Is that personal?

You can't keep personal stuff
in the garage, okay?

I mean, that is company policy.
So I'm just...

this time, I'm gonna let you off
with a verbal warning, but next time,

I'm gonna have to write you up, okay?
So...

What... is happening there?

It's a little something
me and the boys

cooked up
when we were pinned down in Guam.

We gotta get rid of it.

All of it.

My body is a temple.

Fucking, fucking, fucking fuck!

Yeah, take a big one.
There you go.

For fuck's sake.
Couldn't you stay over there?

We need to talk about your syphilis.

Now?

I'm already dead. That's it. I died
in that car crash, and you're my hell!

Don't be silly. You're not dead,
and nobody's going to kill you.

Not if I can help it.

What if I'm not the target?

What if they're after Sonja?
One of her one-night stands?

I have only ever been with two guys.

Maybe this is an old man's demons
coming back to haunt him.

For all we know,
you could be the target.

What do we know about you, Larry?

If that even is your real name?

What is it? Mob ties? Are you
in witness protection or something?

We don't have time
for wild fantasies.

Good morning, Fitzpatrick Motors.
How can I direct your call?

The archangel of justice
is coming to smite thee.

It's for you.

Take a message?

All right, all right!

- This is Fitz.
- When you woke up this morning,

did you think,
"This could be the day I die?"

When you woke up, did you think
you should see a respirologist?

Seriously,
you gotta get that checked out.

That's funny.
You wanna hear something else funny?

Now, shut up and listen.

All the doors are booby-trapped,
except for the front entrance.

Anyone tries to sneak out,
they're dead.

- What do you want?
- I want you to walk out the front door

so I can plaster your brains all over
your precious pre-owned merchandise.

- You leave the cars out of this.
- You've got 30 min to decide.

If you don't surrender yourself,
everyone in there is going to die.

What did they say?

You're all gonna die.

I'm dehydrated,

hungry,

happy,

and mellow.

And scared.

- I'm freaking out.
- I'm not gonna be able to triangulate

the position of the sniper
if you don't keep it down.

My God.
I forgot there was a sniper.

Why does he have to be so dramatic,
just 'cause I'm dating again?

Okay,
unless he was trained by the CIA,

I don't think
that Saul is the shooter.

Was Saul in the CIA?

Is Rup on the no-fly list?

Is Justin an informant?

Maybe he's not even my kid!

You do realise
you gave birth to him, don't you?

Really?

Heidi,

Adriana,

Caylan,

Jan-girl, Pigtails,

Moans Loudly,

Dislocated Shoulder-
Did I ever tell you that story?

No. Richard,
this list is a little long

for all the girls you've slept with
in the past month.

I gotta remember the entire month?

According to the doctor, that's how long
you've been infected with the syphilis.

Syphilis sores have a maximum
28-day incubation period.

I have my monthly
Brazilian scheduled for tonight.

Fitz likes a manicured lawn.
So it must've been at least 28 days ago.

If I don't...

get it today, am I in the clear?

You should see a doctor.
Although, from the sound of it,

syphilis may be
the least of your issues.

Hey, what are you doing?

We have to disclose
your STD to everyone on that list.

Are you out of your fuckin' mind?
You want to attract more snipers?

I caught a very interesting program
on the radio about Eastern mysticism.

According to ancient beliefs,
if you do bad things to the universe,

you have to right those wrongs.

And hiding information from people
that it might harm is bad karma.

Fuck karma.

It's going to take a lot more
than penicillin to reverse the effects

of you spreading
your communicable disease, buster!

Jesus.
Did Larry get into my stash too?

Okay! I'll start by calling the women
you slept with, "A" through "K."

You take care of "L" through "P."
Meghan?

Look at my bones.

You should take care of the rest?

Okay, let's go!

Look at my bones!

Where is everybody?

What are you doing later?

God. "I might've given you syphilis,"
is the worst icebreaker ever.

I got something I gotta tell you.
You wanna get together for drinks later?

Dislocated Shoulder sends her regards.

"Go, Fitz, go"?

Yeah, you remember me now, don't you?
Listen...

There's something I gotta tell you.

It's purely for medicinal reasons.
Doctors prescribe it for STDs.

Let me just put you down
for half a quarter.

Do you remember last week
when we were in the Tilt-A-Whirl?

Something I gotta tell you.

Waste of fuckin' time.
Once again, your plan is full of holes.

Well, you might feel better to know
that my window of infection is over.

I have thoroughly inspected myself,
and I am STD-free.

'Cause that's what's been weighing
on my head. Thank God, crisis averted.

You really don't care
that someone is out there shooting at us

because of something you did?

You really don't care
if I live or die today,

that I have never been to Paris,

eaten lobster,
or owned a small, furry pet.

Are you done?

No, you know what?

You deserve this.

The STDs,

the turning your-back-on-your-friends,

and the way you treat Larry.

I am surprised
the snipers didn't get to you sooner.

To think that I wasted all of this time
on such a...

a waste.

So, mouth-turd,
any more bright ideas?

I noticed there was one name you forgot
to put on the list of "A" through "K"s.

Starts with Ali, ends with Devin.

She's a woman scorned, Richard.

Who knows what she's capable of?
How far she's sunk?

You're a nice guy, right?

Of course I am.

And we're having a nice time?

I can think of a...

few ways to make it...

nicer.

Why don't we take things slow?

I mean,
it's just that I don't want to repeat

all those same mistakes
I've made in the past.

What kind of mistakes
are you talking about?

You know, I've just been with

a lot of guys who

aren't as nice.

Were you ever

nice
to any of those not-so-nice guys?

- Chester!
- I mean,

Richard Fitzpatrick.
Did you guys ever...

I was never nice to Fitz, okay?

Frankly, if someone took him out today,
I wouldn't shed a tear.

This has gone far enough.

Not quite.
That walking pustule still has a head.

Please, as a sign of good faith,
could you at least let one of us go?

Fine.
One of the peons can be released.

Thank you.

- Finally.
- I'd fuck a goat for a roti.

You're the one who needs
medical attention. You should go.

Sonja, you are so kind

and thoughtful, which is why
it should be you.

Do you mind if it's me? I have to dip
my balls in a bath of calamine lotion.

That's disgusting.

Where's Meghan?

I'm coming Rupy!

That selfish bitch!

Trust me.
It's probably for the best.

Don't you see?

This is a clear sign.

We disclosed your disease,
and the universe has rewarded us,

by getting Meghan out of our hair.

And since we agreed that Ali,
as a professional, would use a more

discreet means of killing you...

Poison. Oleander, most likely.

Crushed into a fragrant
and deadly broth.

That's good thinking.
That would really just finish him off.

I'm standing right here.

Right. I'm sorry.
Other suspects, let's see.

Someone who can stake out a sight
from long range,

stand their ground in a negotiation,

a single-minded determination
to do what they know is right.

- I got nothing.
- Me neither.

- What do you want, Josh?
- Kara, you...

You gotta stop.

These people: Larry, Ken,

Sonja, Fitz,

they're my friends.

Richard Fitzpatrick
is not your friend.

That's not true. He's my BFF.

You know,
you don't know him like I do.

You gotta stop.

What exactly do you want me to stop?

When I said,
"Take care of Fitz on your own,"

I didn't mean,
"Put Fitzpatrick Motors under siege

with snipers rifles and..."

Shit.

Now, if Set A

is all the women Richard slept with
and didn't call back,

and Set B

is all the customers you low-balled
and didn't reimburse,

then I'm pretty sure
we'll find our culprit somewhere

in this intersection.

What about all the loan sharks
he's slept with and never paid back?

Excellent input, Sonja.
I'll just add that new variable

right here.

What? Spit it out.

You know that junior survivalist
that's been hanging around a lot?

I'm pretty sure she's killed before.

You see?

This isn't about sex or cars, or

unpaid sexy loan sharks,

just some psychopath,
forgot to take her lithium.

Which still could have been avoided.

If you disclosed
your venereal disease earlier,

then bad karma wouldn't be raining down
on us in the form of actual sniper fire.

You're as crazy as that bi-polar
psycho out there with the gun.

She's not bi-polar,

she's bi-curious.

You really don't think
this is all connected?

Then why is it the one person
you left off your list

of sexual partners is the only one that
can help us put a stop to that woman?

What can I do to stop her?

I'm sorry, Sonja.
I should've been more clear. I meant

Ali.

So...

You slept with Ali too?

Phone!

Doll face.

- What do you want?
- Just a chat. Catch up.

- I have to go to the bathroom.
- I thought you should know,

your deranged little foot soldier
is taking pot shots at my dealership.

Even if I did believe you,
why are you not calling the police?

We did.

Of course.

And they're not coming
because nobody cares enough to help you?

Why should I?

You're many things, Ali Devin:
A hot piece of tail,

a pistol in the sack,
a shitty lawyer,

but accessory to murder?

How would that look
on the old r?sum??

Do you mind if we wait,
like, another 20 minutes?

We have to go to Fitzpatrick.

You're kidding.

You're not.

As much as I hate him,

Richard Fitzpatrick could be in trouble
with a mentally unstable teenage girl.

Are you sure this is bullet proof?

- What do I look like, a doctor?
- What do you think you're doing?

It's time to face your accusers.

And since you won't do it,
I'll do it for you.

Stop it.

- Larry, I don't know about this.
- It's okay, Sonja.

It's time I live by example,
practice what I preach.

I am nice to the universe,
and the universe is nice to me. Plus...

- I want lunch.
- I get it.

Not only do I get blamed
for some deranged fuckin' sniper, but

numbskull here
thinks he's gonna play hero?

Fuck that.

I've got your back, Fitzy.

You want me? Come and get me!

Take your best shot!

Where are you going?
I'm here to help!

I'm handy with explosives!

Wait!
It doesn't have to end like this!

Told you this was just a hoax.

Richard Fitzpatrick
is the boy who cried wolf.

An attention-seeking whiner, who...

I don't wanna die!

What do you think you're doing?

Openly shooting
at Richard Fitzpatrick

isn't going to solve anything.

It wasn't me.

You didn't just shoot that gun?

No, I mean, I did.

It was an accident,

but I just got here.

Bullshit, kid.
If it wasn't you, then who was it?

The gun,

the empty casings,

the bag full of explosives,

they could be anyone's.

Besides,

even if they were mine,
it wouldn't matter,

'cause someone else
will be back here tomorrow.

Look, Kara, I am really sorry.

I know things
didn't turn out the way you planned.

But that's life.

Sometimes, you have to compromise.

You have to settle
for things that you

never thought you'd have to.

I swear, it wasn't me.

I was outside your window all day,

watching Chester get handsy with you.

Kara, you need help.

You don't understand.

Just let me help you.

- Traitor.
- I got her, Fitzy.

Only after you acted as my spy.

- What's she talking about?
- Look at his cell phone.

The pictures, the text messages.
You'll see.

He's not your friend.

I don't know what happened.

I caught her in your office snooping,

and I tried to stop her, and next,
she's everywhere!

At the porn shoot,
at the bachelor party,

planting pipe bombs at all the exits.

Man, let me get this straight.
You're in cahoots with this psycho?

- Kinda.
- Selling her my secrets

to help her sabotage
my legal defence?

- I wouldn't call it "sabotage."
- To provoke her to shooting at me?

I'm not the shooter.

Fitzy...

My man, you got it all wrong.

Thanks very much, Julius Rosen-bong.

You're dead to me.

Still think you're besties?

You were so brave.

And in your condition.

Thank you, Sonja.

I just have one more matter
I need to attend to.

What the fuck's going on out here?

Same old, same old.

Nothing, really.

She's not a bad kid.

How goes the mild ride
on the teacups with Mr. Adequate?

Is it meeting
your lowered expectations?

I talked with the commanding officer.

If we can't sweep this thing,
we can certainly cut her a deal.

Make sure
she isn't tried as an adult.

Thank you, Chester.

You're always there for me.

I gotta get home.
My fuckin' nuts are killing me.

I know what you mean, brother.

- Wait a minute. I don't.
- What are you talking about?

Nothing.

I'll tell you later.

Are you kidding me?

- Have you learned nothing from today?
- Tell me what.

Richard has... syphilis.

You probably want to see your doctor.

Why would she have to see her doctor,

if you two have never slept together?

Last name on the list.

We did the right thing.

Great.

Paranoid?

That's bullshit.

Richard Fitzpatrick
doesn't have any reason to be paranoid.

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