Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Upside of Matricide - full transcript
Every relationship
is a form of seduction.
It's not just your sex partners,
it's your friends, your bank teller,
the cop considering arresting you
for involuntary vehicular manslaughter,
- again.
- The humanity.
And like any seduction,
there are simple rules to follow
in order to get what you want.
One:
Be honest.
Ali Devin and I were in the car.
- What were you doing there?
- She had a big fight with her mother.
I went out to smooth things over.
She was in the driver's seat.
Expect me to believe
that all you did was talk?
Two: Agree with them.
It makes them feel smart
and in charge.
I know what you're thinking, officer,
and you're absolutely right.
She is a hottie with a...
sweater full of goodness.
Three: Show them your sensitive side.
Let them know that you care.
But I did marry her mother.
God, Babs.
I loved her to death.
Let me rephrase that.
- Wait here.
- Of course, like any seduction,
you have to watch out
for the cock block,
a force of nature,
like an ex-boyfriend,
a "fugly" BFF...
or the other police officer
who's arrested you
once already on similar charges.
You can't fight it.
Just ride out the storm
and hope for the best.
Ms. Devin confirms your story.
Sounds like this was
an unfortunate accident.
It was.
I know what happened in that car.
- What didn't happen?
- You and Ali bonded.
Hey, give your mouth the night off.
If theyfind out
that we were about to fool around...
You opened up to her
and she opened up to you.
She was about to until Babs
turned herself into a street pizza.
Don't rebuild that wall,
the wall that you've built
around your heart,
the one that you use
to keep people out.
Go get her.
Comfort her.
She needs compassion.
Like you know what a woman needs.
Martini?
My mother's dead and all
you can think about is a Martini?
I was thinking
about several, actually.
We just ran over my mother.
We?
You think this is my fault?
Well, you were in the driver's seat.
My mother is dead!
Cock blocked by a corpse.
That's one for the biography.
What?
Thank you so much for the house call.
I used to think it was so...
morbid the way
she would obsess about these things,
but now I realize she was trying
to make it easier on me.
Your mother was a wise woman.
I can't tell you the amount of stress
these questions can put on a family.
I just wish I'd realized that
"I want an organic funeral"
actually meant.
"I love you."
An Eternal Sky Funeral Home
is on the forefront
of environmentally
conscious services.
We offer everything
from cruelty free cosmetics
to biodegradable caskets.
Well, all Mom ever wanted was to be
placed in a hole in the ground,
naked, and to have
a single sapling planted on top.
That's beautiful.
And completely illegal.
Excuse me?
What we can do
is cremate your mother,
mix her ashes
with some soil and plant
some tomatoes or something.
If you're feeling more adventurous,
you could have her cremains
turned into a diamond.
My mother was very clear
about her wishes.
And it's a crime that accommodating
those wishes is a crime.
Now, how about an urn
carved in your mother's image?
You've got to be kidding me.
I hate to put this kind of pressure
on the bereaved, but
the natural process
of decay has begun.
Flies have probably already
laid eggs in your mother.
Any kind of open casket service
will be impossible
within the next 24 hours
without Eternal Sky Funeral Homes'
trademark embalming.
Think about it.
Babs is in a car accident with you
and didn't die.
Then she's in another
car accident and does die.
That's like destiny. Or fate.
Or destiny.
- It's a pain in the ass, is what it is.
- Doesn't that mean you're off the hook?
The way things
are going for me lately,
it's gonna become
my own private Chappaquiddick,
everyone laying the blame
on good old Fitzy.
I lost someone I cared about.
Called herself Edith.
Former Golani Brigade.
We were black bagging terrorist schools
up and down the north coast of Africa
goat fuckers are waiting for us
with a 50 calibre machine gun
nest of Good Morning Vietnam,
if you know what I mean.
Edith strips down naked
and storms in with nothing
but two hand grenades and a smile.
Still can't eat
a latke without crying.
On the house.
It'll be okay.
Carpe diem.
My wife died last night.
I know.
I heard.
God. Fitz, I'm so sorry.
If there is anything
I can do for you, anything,
you come to me.
Our maintenance apartment went over
this baby with a fine tooth comb...
it guaranteed 80 point inspection
and a lube job.
I can't believe you.
Feeding off people's goodwill,
profiting from Babs' death.
I am not profiting.
Fitz, I heard about your loss.
Listen,
If you need anything, let me know.
Foot long double cheese meatball sub,
extra sauce.
Sure.
It's more like bartering.
People give me stuff and I let them
feel like they've helped me
through this trying time.
Blended.
- You're happy she's dead.
- No, it's just...
I've been rolling snake eyes
instead of sevens lately and now...
everything's coming up Fitz.
I've got to take this.
That's English for "fuck off".
No, not you. Who is this?
I see.
How much?
How soon?
I'll be right over.
As your conscience,
I have to know what's going on.
The bank informed me
they're ready to transfer
all of my dead wife's accounts to me,
the grieving husband.
A Summer Wind came blowing in
from across the sea.
You cannot liquidate
Mrs. Devin's funds
in order to build your mid-level
Vegas strip knockoff dream lounge.
How do you think
Ali is gonna feel about this?
I think she made it pretty clear
how she feels about me last night.
Richard, no.
This is it, our rubicon.
I thought it would happen later
and involve fire, but here it is.
Do not cross this line.
Show me there's still
an ounce of decency left in you.
Prove to me
that you are worth saving.
OK, 1: I don't have
to prove anything to you.
2: I can cross any line I want.
And C: I don't know what a rubicon is,
so why should I give a shit?
It involves
Caesar and orgies and bestiality.
I'm in.
Baby. You're so fucking hot.
No way.
- It's money, not toilet paper.
- I'm not looking for a handout.
It's a loan.
Then tap the deadbeat
that knocked you up.
I am a single mother now.
I have to show
that I'm a responsible parent.
You want money?
Then earn it like the rest
of the dead weight here.
Work here?
For you? What, like slave wages?
I don't think so. Forget it.
I don't need your help or anybody.
When do I start?
No one should be alone
at a time like this.
Do you need anything?
Someone to talk to, a...
- shoulder to cry on?
- I don't need sympathy.
How about a sandwich?
I can make you a sandwich.
What I need
is to dump my mother in a hole.
I know, I know, it's illegal, but...
it's what she wanted.
Well, then what you need is someone
who doesn't just cross the moral line,
he ignores it completely.
You're just as insane as he is.
No, wait. He'd be perfect.
- I don't need his help.
- You do.
You'll never be able
to pull this off alone.
You need to tear down that wall,
the wall you've built
around your heart
to keep people away.
And I'm pretty sure
he's done this before.
Imagine a time
when men were men
and women were broads.
When music was performed, not sampled
and a drink was a cocktail,
not a crantini.
You don't have to imagine it any more,
not when you're at...
"The Summer Wind."
"The Summer Wind."
The land has been bought
the city council has been bribed.
All I need now is a couple
of investors to trigger construction.
10k gets you a private parking place.
25, access to our VIP lounge.
And 50k,
get you all of the above plus
the opportunity to bone
one of our waitresses per year.
What a bargain.
- We have to talk.
- I'm with an investor.
I'll give you some privacy.
It's Ali. She needs help
with Babs' last wishes.
She said that?
She said that you're a parasite and
insane, but I sensed something deeper.
It was...
love.
I'm sure!
I'm all done with those women.
- They're are a crazy.
- You're saying that 'cause you're hurt.
I'm saying that because
I've got something better to do.
Josh,
do you want to be head of security?
Nothing personal.
I've got money!
You have the money you stole from me.
- I invested it.
- In my dealership.
Our dealership.
And some other ventures,
not to mention the commissions
I've been making and...
some other sources.
He's a wizard.
- 25 grand.
- Agreed.
- 50.
- You said 25.
- You agreed too quickly.
- We're partners.
You're a shut-the-fuck-up partner
and you don't get any of my waitresses.
Deal.
My dearly departed
isn't going to bury herself.
- Can I be your apprentice?
- I don't need one.
This is nice.
Isn't this nice,
the three of us working together?
What is the plan to steal
my mother's body?
Don't you think they'll notice?
Ribs are on special today.
9 bucks a pound.
150 lbs of ribs, please.
Extra rare. To go.
Ribs?
Are you kidding me?
- We don't need more than 110.
- Fine.
130 lbs.
- Big boned.
- Big boned?
- This isn't going to work.
- It is.
And throw a couple of burgers
in there too, would ya?
Sure.
We all share the ups.
Those are the people
who walk onto the lot...
Yowser. Dibs.
Wait, that's Glen.
Just ignore him.
He acts like a B-bag,
but his low-ball is so unreasonable,
you know he's just a lousy looksy.
See, that kind of attitude
separates the winners from the Sonyas.
It's the middle of the day and
look at you! You're looking for a car.
Most men I know are looking for work.
You must be rich. Marry me!
I'm kidding.
I'm Meghan
Fitzpatrick.
- I'm just browsing.
- Just Browsing?
What kind of name is that?
Is that Ukrainian?
It's not your name. You're Glen!
What are you looking for today?
Looking for a sports car?
All fast and going places?
Glen the adventurer
with his leather jacket and his whip!
No, really, I'm just browsing.
But if you were interested in
getting into something today,
what could I tempt you with,
Glen?
This would work for me, but
13,000...
I could probably afford about 6500.
You're hilarious!
We both know you're rich,
go to the bank
and get your money and come on back.
This car is now on hold for you.
- You don't have to do that.
- It's no trouble.
You want this car,
I want you...
in this car.
So this car is now on hold for you.
For Glen!
Nobody come near.
This is Glen's car!
It's on hold!
Nobody even think about it!
I'm kidding. Go get your money.
I'll give you both a few minutes.
Take your time.
- I don't believe this is working.
- It's going to work.
God.
Death smells like Indian food.
Start filling the coffin.
Get back to the dealership
and wait for us there.
When we get back, we'll bury the stiff.
Respectfully.
Why?
- Oh, why?
- I'll come back...
Carry on.
Sometimes a family member
finds closure by activat...
I apologize for the post-mortem deceit,
but but rest assured we do everything
in our power to make sure you get
the proper illegal burial you deserve,
right after I research
the cost of replacing the interior
of this fine quality sports
utility vehicle.
Make sure you watch her for me.
I mean, the car for me.
The car. For me.
There's Glen's car!
What's it doing here?
I got it, Larry.
I still can't believe that worked.
Even I'm impressed,
and I don't impress easily.
Let's just get this over with.
What are you doing? You're supposed
to be watching the body.
Don't worry.
- Josh is watching that car...
- Totally honoured.
Car's gone.
It's gonna work, huh?
I should've known better
than to trust you.
You can't blame him for this.
I blame you.
- This is all your fault!
- You convinced me
to trust him!
And you're the one
who told me that she asked for my help!
You are so stupid.
I have to agree.
You do?
You and Richard are agreeing?
This is a big step.
I am so happy for both of you.
- Come here.
- But we gotta find that fucking car.
Isn't this great?
I love this car.
And you know what?
If this were a romantic comedy,
we'd be in our "meet cute."
That's the scene where the couple
that falls in love meets,
and it's cute.
- What's that smell?
- What smell?
I don't smell anything.
Is this some kind of hazing ritual?
That's exactly what it is.
It's a prank.
That's it, a prank.
Sir, I'm Ali Devin, and you are?
I'm a lawyer and I can assure you
that this is not what it looks like.
- Looks like you've stolen a body.
- A victimless crime.
You see, Glen,
that's my mother in there. Babs.
She died recently and...
She had a dream!
She wanted to be part of the solution,
not part of the problem.
Organic burial. That's what
we're doing. Way of the future.
- I'm calling the cops.
- I'm calling Dad.
Who wants shares in a bar?
What are you doing?
I'm splitting my stake
in The Summer Wind
with $50,000
to be split between Meghan and Glen
in exchange for their compassion?
I hope you run a bar
better than you bury bodies.
Put a cork in it.
Can I have the cash instead?
All right, where are we going?
Where are we burying her?
I don't know.
Where are we burying her?
You've got to be fucking kidding me.
You were the one
who was planning everything.
How to get her out of the funeral home.
That was the deal.
You're right.
Now I'm a failure.
I am the worst daughter
who ever lived.
Come on.
You can think of one place that fits,
just a nice, safe plot of land
with trees where Babs can
be buried.
I might know a place.
Good.
Fuck.
Ashes to ashes.
Dust to dust.
We are gathered here today,
dearly beloved,
in the sight of God
and these good people.
Yay though I walk through
the valley of the shadow
of death, I speak now
or forever hold my peace.
- For Babs gives us our daily bread!
- Shut up, Larry.
Can I please
just have a moment to myself?
Sorry for your loss.
Would you mind staying?
I'd like you to hear this.
Sure.
There you go, Mom.
Just like you always wanted.
This doesn't make up for all
the grief that I caused you as a kid.
The binge drinking,
the rampant promiscuity,
the abortion...
abortions.
I wish that I could have been
a better daughter to you.
I'm going to wait in the car.
And I wish that you
could have been
a better mother to me.
But why drudge up the past?
I hope
that now that you're dead
we can finally be friends.
Here is something
I never thought I'd say to you.
Thank you.
For what?
For this.
What are stepfathers for?
Oh, Daddy! Oh, Daddy!
Fuck me, Stepdaddy!
That's one way to spend a Saturday.
You better not be having 2nd thoughts,
or this will be he-said she-said.
I'm okay with this.
You know, I actually feel kind of...
Good.
That woman influenced my entire life,
and now that she's gone
I can finally be myself.
And who is Ali Devin?
I don't know.
That's what's so exciting.
A crap lawyer.
Maybe a street juggler or
an investor in a lounge...
50 grand, you're in.
I was thinking
more along the lines of a
full partnership.
Nothing personal.
Are you...
sure?
Everything's negotiable.
My mother
was many things, but
irresponsible with her money
wasn't one of them.
She's got more cash squirreled away.
I know. How do you think
I paid for this piece of land?
You're going to build here?
Where we just buried my mother?
With my inheritance?
Ali, nails. Nails.
Nai...
God!
Wait!
Come on.
I'm not gonna pave over her.
I'll put the tree
in the centre of a roundabout.
What's so funny?
I'm thinking about all the grief
I could have saved myself
if I'd fucked you in the first place.
Maybe then I wouldn't be standing
out here right now wondering
how I'm going to get back into town,
where to get a morning after pill from.
Unbelievable.
What do you want,
some guy who lie to you and tell you
you look good when you're too fat?
Some clown who'll go antiquing
with you all weekend
because you gave him
a hand job in the shower?
Some sham who'll
listen to you drone on about
your feelings, your new direction?
Yes, I do.
Chester, it's Ali.
Could you come pick me up?
I'm on Industry Road.
How did I get here?
That's a long story.
See you soon.
If you leave now, Ali,
you'll never change.
You'll still be
that same scared little girl
cowering to your mother's every whim.
Enjoy it. It's your last one.
What?
Synced by Monkeymann
is a form of seduction.
It's not just your sex partners,
it's your friends, your bank teller,
the cop considering arresting you
for involuntary vehicular manslaughter,
- again.
- The humanity.
And like any seduction,
there are simple rules to follow
in order to get what you want.
One:
Be honest.
Ali Devin and I were in the car.
- What were you doing there?
- She had a big fight with her mother.
I went out to smooth things over.
She was in the driver's seat.
Expect me to believe
that all you did was talk?
Two: Agree with them.
It makes them feel smart
and in charge.
I know what you're thinking, officer,
and you're absolutely right.
She is a hottie with a...
sweater full of goodness.
Three: Show them your sensitive side.
Let them know that you care.
But I did marry her mother.
God, Babs.
I loved her to death.
Let me rephrase that.
- Wait here.
- Of course, like any seduction,
you have to watch out
for the cock block,
a force of nature,
like an ex-boyfriend,
a "fugly" BFF...
or the other police officer
who's arrested you
once already on similar charges.
You can't fight it.
Just ride out the storm
and hope for the best.
Ms. Devin confirms your story.
Sounds like this was
an unfortunate accident.
It was.
I know what happened in that car.
- What didn't happen?
- You and Ali bonded.
Hey, give your mouth the night off.
If theyfind out
that we were about to fool around...
You opened up to her
and she opened up to you.
She was about to until Babs
turned herself into a street pizza.
Don't rebuild that wall,
the wall that you've built
around your heart,
the one that you use
to keep people out.
Go get her.
Comfort her.
She needs compassion.
Like you know what a woman needs.
Martini?
My mother's dead and all
you can think about is a Martini?
I was thinking
about several, actually.
We just ran over my mother.
We?
You think this is my fault?
Well, you were in the driver's seat.
My mother is dead!
Cock blocked by a corpse.
That's one for the biography.
What?
Thank you so much for the house call.
I used to think it was so...
morbid the way
she would obsess about these things,
but now I realize she was trying
to make it easier on me.
Your mother was a wise woman.
I can't tell you the amount of stress
these questions can put on a family.
I just wish I'd realized that
"I want an organic funeral"
actually meant.
"I love you."
An Eternal Sky Funeral Home
is on the forefront
of environmentally
conscious services.
We offer everything
from cruelty free cosmetics
to biodegradable caskets.
Well, all Mom ever wanted was to be
placed in a hole in the ground,
naked, and to have
a single sapling planted on top.
That's beautiful.
And completely illegal.
Excuse me?
What we can do
is cremate your mother,
mix her ashes
with some soil and plant
some tomatoes or something.
If you're feeling more adventurous,
you could have her cremains
turned into a diamond.
My mother was very clear
about her wishes.
And it's a crime that accommodating
those wishes is a crime.
Now, how about an urn
carved in your mother's image?
You've got to be kidding me.
I hate to put this kind of pressure
on the bereaved, but
the natural process
of decay has begun.
Flies have probably already
laid eggs in your mother.
Any kind of open casket service
will be impossible
within the next 24 hours
without Eternal Sky Funeral Homes'
trademark embalming.
Think about it.
Babs is in a car accident with you
and didn't die.
Then she's in another
car accident and does die.
That's like destiny. Or fate.
Or destiny.
- It's a pain in the ass, is what it is.
- Doesn't that mean you're off the hook?
The way things
are going for me lately,
it's gonna become
my own private Chappaquiddick,
everyone laying the blame
on good old Fitzy.
I lost someone I cared about.
Called herself Edith.
Former Golani Brigade.
We were black bagging terrorist schools
up and down the north coast of Africa
goat fuckers are waiting for us
with a 50 calibre machine gun
nest of Good Morning Vietnam,
if you know what I mean.
Edith strips down naked
and storms in with nothing
but two hand grenades and a smile.
Still can't eat
a latke without crying.
On the house.
It'll be okay.
Carpe diem.
My wife died last night.
I know.
I heard.
God. Fitz, I'm so sorry.
If there is anything
I can do for you, anything,
you come to me.
Our maintenance apartment went over
this baby with a fine tooth comb...
it guaranteed 80 point inspection
and a lube job.
I can't believe you.
Feeding off people's goodwill,
profiting from Babs' death.
I am not profiting.
Fitz, I heard about your loss.
Listen,
If you need anything, let me know.
Foot long double cheese meatball sub,
extra sauce.
Sure.
It's more like bartering.
People give me stuff and I let them
feel like they've helped me
through this trying time.
Blended.
- You're happy she's dead.
- No, it's just...
I've been rolling snake eyes
instead of sevens lately and now...
everything's coming up Fitz.
I've got to take this.
That's English for "fuck off".
No, not you. Who is this?
I see.
How much?
How soon?
I'll be right over.
As your conscience,
I have to know what's going on.
The bank informed me
they're ready to transfer
all of my dead wife's accounts to me,
the grieving husband.
A Summer Wind came blowing in
from across the sea.
You cannot liquidate
Mrs. Devin's funds
in order to build your mid-level
Vegas strip knockoff dream lounge.
How do you think
Ali is gonna feel about this?
I think she made it pretty clear
how she feels about me last night.
Richard, no.
This is it, our rubicon.
I thought it would happen later
and involve fire, but here it is.
Do not cross this line.
Show me there's still
an ounce of decency left in you.
Prove to me
that you are worth saving.
OK, 1: I don't have
to prove anything to you.
2: I can cross any line I want.
And C: I don't know what a rubicon is,
so why should I give a shit?
It involves
Caesar and orgies and bestiality.
I'm in.
Baby. You're so fucking hot.
No way.
- It's money, not toilet paper.
- I'm not looking for a handout.
It's a loan.
Then tap the deadbeat
that knocked you up.
I am a single mother now.
I have to show
that I'm a responsible parent.
You want money?
Then earn it like the rest
of the dead weight here.
Work here?
For you? What, like slave wages?
I don't think so. Forget it.
I don't need your help or anybody.
When do I start?
No one should be alone
at a time like this.
Do you need anything?
Someone to talk to, a...
- shoulder to cry on?
- I don't need sympathy.
How about a sandwich?
I can make you a sandwich.
What I need
is to dump my mother in a hole.
I know, I know, it's illegal, but...
it's what she wanted.
Well, then what you need is someone
who doesn't just cross the moral line,
he ignores it completely.
You're just as insane as he is.
No, wait. He'd be perfect.
- I don't need his help.
- You do.
You'll never be able
to pull this off alone.
You need to tear down that wall,
the wall you've built
around your heart
to keep people away.
And I'm pretty sure
he's done this before.
Imagine a time
when men were men
and women were broads.
When music was performed, not sampled
and a drink was a cocktail,
not a crantini.
You don't have to imagine it any more,
not when you're at...
"The Summer Wind."
"The Summer Wind."
The land has been bought
the city council has been bribed.
All I need now is a couple
of investors to trigger construction.
10k gets you a private parking place.
25, access to our VIP lounge.
And 50k,
get you all of the above plus
the opportunity to bone
one of our waitresses per year.
What a bargain.
- We have to talk.
- I'm with an investor.
I'll give you some privacy.
It's Ali. She needs help
with Babs' last wishes.
She said that?
She said that you're a parasite and
insane, but I sensed something deeper.
It was...
love.
I'm sure!
I'm all done with those women.
- They're are a crazy.
- You're saying that 'cause you're hurt.
I'm saying that because
I've got something better to do.
Josh,
do you want to be head of security?
Nothing personal.
I've got money!
You have the money you stole from me.
- I invested it.
- In my dealership.
Our dealership.
And some other ventures,
not to mention the commissions
I've been making and...
some other sources.
He's a wizard.
- 25 grand.
- Agreed.
- 50.
- You said 25.
- You agreed too quickly.
- We're partners.
You're a shut-the-fuck-up partner
and you don't get any of my waitresses.
Deal.
My dearly departed
isn't going to bury herself.
- Can I be your apprentice?
- I don't need one.
This is nice.
Isn't this nice,
the three of us working together?
What is the plan to steal
my mother's body?
Don't you think they'll notice?
Ribs are on special today.
9 bucks a pound.
150 lbs of ribs, please.
Extra rare. To go.
Ribs?
Are you kidding me?
- We don't need more than 110.
- Fine.
130 lbs.
- Big boned.
- Big boned?
- This isn't going to work.
- It is.
And throw a couple of burgers
in there too, would ya?
Sure.
We all share the ups.
Those are the people
who walk onto the lot...
Yowser. Dibs.
Wait, that's Glen.
Just ignore him.
He acts like a B-bag,
but his low-ball is so unreasonable,
you know he's just a lousy looksy.
See, that kind of attitude
separates the winners from the Sonyas.
It's the middle of the day and
look at you! You're looking for a car.
Most men I know are looking for work.
You must be rich. Marry me!
I'm kidding.
I'm Meghan
Fitzpatrick.
- I'm just browsing.
- Just Browsing?
What kind of name is that?
Is that Ukrainian?
It's not your name. You're Glen!
What are you looking for today?
Looking for a sports car?
All fast and going places?
Glen the adventurer
with his leather jacket and his whip!
No, really, I'm just browsing.
But if you were interested in
getting into something today,
what could I tempt you with,
Glen?
This would work for me, but
13,000...
I could probably afford about 6500.
You're hilarious!
We both know you're rich,
go to the bank
and get your money and come on back.
This car is now on hold for you.
- You don't have to do that.
- It's no trouble.
You want this car,
I want you...
in this car.
So this car is now on hold for you.
For Glen!
Nobody come near.
This is Glen's car!
It's on hold!
Nobody even think about it!
I'm kidding. Go get your money.
I'll give you both a few minutes.
Take your time.
- I don't believe this is working.
- It's going to work.
God.
Death smells like Indian food.
Start filling the coffin.
Get back to the dealership
and wait for us there.
When we get back, we'll bury the stiff.
Respectfully.
Why?
- Oh, why?
- I'll come back...
Carry on.
Sometimes a family member
finds closure by activat...
I apologize for the post-mortem deceit,
but but rest assured we do everything
in our power to make sure you get
the proper illegal burial you deserve,
right after I research
the cost of replacing the interior
of this fine quality sports
utility vehicle.
Make sure you watch her for me.
I mean, the car for me.
The car. For me.
There's Glen's car!
What's it doing here?
I got it, Larry.
I still can't believe that worked.
Even I'm impressed,
and I don't impress easily.
Let's just get this over with.
What are you doing? You're supposed
to be watching the body.
Don't worry.
- Josh is watching that car...
- Totally honoured.
Car's gone.
It's gonna work, huh?
I should've known better
than to trust you.
You can't blame him for this.
I blame you.
- This is all your fault!
- You convinced me
to trust him!
And you're the one
who told me that she asked for my help!
You are so stupid.
I have to agree.
You do?
You and Richard are agreeing?
This is a big step.
I am so happy for both of you.
- Come here.
- But we gotta find that fucking car.
Isn't this great?
I love this car.
And you know what?
If this were a romantic comedy,
we'd be in our "meet cute."
That's the scene where the couple
that falls in love meets,
and it's cute.
- What's that smell?
- What smell?
I don't smell anything.
Is this some kind of hazing ritual?
That's exactly what it is.
It's a prank.
That's it, a prank.
Sir, I'm Ali Devin, and you are?
I'm a lawyer and I can assure you
that this is not what it looks like.
- Looks like you've stolen a body.
- A victimless crime.
You see, Glen,
that's my mother in there. Babs.
She died recently and...
She had a dream!
She wanted to be part of the solution,
not part of the problem.
Organic burial. That's what
we're doing. Way of the future.
- I'm calling the cops.
- I'm calling Dad.
Who wants shares in a bar?
What are you doing?
I'm splitting my stake
in The Summer Wind
with $50,000
to be split between Meghan and Glen
in exchange for their compassion?
I hope you run a bar
better than you bury bodies.
Put a cork in it.
Can I have the cash instead?
All right, where are we going?
Where are we burying her?
I don't know.
Where are we burying her?
You've got to be fucking kidding me.
You were the one
who was planning everything.
How to get her out of the funeral home.
That was the deal.
You're right.
Now I'm a failure.
I am the worst daughter
who ever lived.
Come on.
You can think of one place that fits,
just a nice, safe plot of land
with trees where Babs can
be buried.
I might know a place.
Good.
Fuck.
Ashes to ashes.
Dust to dust.
We are gathered here today,
dearly beloved,
in the sight of God
and these good people.
Yay though I walk through
the valley of the shadow
of death, I speak now
or forever hold my peace.
- For Babs gives us our daily bread!
- Shut up, Larry.
Can I please
just have a moment to myself?
Sorry for your loss.
Would you mind staying?
I'd like you to hear this.
Sure.
There you go, Mom.
Just like you always wanted.
This doesn't make up for all
the grief that I caused you as a kid.
The binge drinking,
the rampant promiscuity,
the abortion...
abortions.
I wish that I could have been
a better daughter to you.
I'm going to wait in the car.
And I wish that you
could have been
a better mother to me.
But why drudge up the past?
I hope
that now that you're dead
we can finally be friends.
Here is something
I never thought I'd say to you.
Thank you.
For what?
For this.
What are stepfathers for?
Oh, Daddy! Oh, Daddy!
Fuck me, Stepdaddy!
That's one way to spend a Saturday.
You better not be having 2nd thoughts,
or this will be he-said she-said.
I'm okay with this.
You know, I actually feel kind of...
Good.
That woman influenced my entire life,
and now that she's gone
I can finally be myself.
And who is Ali Devin?
I don't know.
That's what's so exciting.
A crap lawyer.
Maybe a street juggler or
an investor in a lounge...
50 grand, you're in.
I was thinking
more along the lines of a
full partnership.
Nothing personal.
Are you...
sure?
Everything's negotiable.
My mother
was many things, but
irresponsible with her money
wasn't one of them.
She's got more cash squirreled away.
I know. How do you think
I paid for this piece of land?
You're going to build here?
Where we just buried my mother?
With my inheritance?
Ali, nails. Nails.
Nai...
God!
Wait!
Come on.
I'm not gonna pave over her.
I'll put the tree
in the centre of a roundabout.
What's so funny?
I'm thinking about all the grief
I could have saved myself
if I'd fucked you in the first place.
Maybe then I wouldn't be standing
out here right now wondering
how I'm going to get back into town,
where to get a morning after pill from.
Unbelievable.
What do you want,
some guy who lie to you and tell you
you look good when you're too fat?
Some clown who'll go antiquing
with you all weekend
because you gave him
a hand job in the shower?
Some sham who'll
listen to you drone on about
your feelings, your new direction?
Yes, I do.
Chester, it's Ali.
Could you come pick me up?
I'm on Industry Road.
How did I get here?
That's a long story.
See you soon.
If you leave now, Ali,
you'll never change.
You'll still be
that same scared little girl
cowering to your mother's every whim.
Enjoy it. It's your last one.
What?
Synced by Monkeymann