Californication (2007–2014): Season 7, Episode 8 - 30 Minutes or Less - full transcript
The crew finally starts filming, while issues start to arise.
Previously on Californication:
Rath is fucking my shit up.
He's about the drama,
I'm all about the funny.
- I'm not that funny.
- Yeah, but you's fucking witty.
And together we can...
- Damn. Who's that piece of ass?
- That? That would be Julia.
Is it cool if I pursue her?
You're not looking to rekindle?
- No, no, not at all.
- Why not?
- This is a terrible idea.
- It's a terrible idea.
I don't like how Rath's writing me.
You're a very pleasant actress,
very agreeable.
- I can do better.
- I want to sleep with Marcy again...
...with your permission,
and hers, of course.
I am willing to pay you guys
a cool 1 million...
...if you will let me sleep with her again.
Think about it.
We were wondering if maybe
he could audition for a small part.
- Yeah, you can read for something.
- Awesome.
- I want to talk about Becca.
- I know. That's why I'm ducking you.
Well, when are you gonna
tell her about Levon?
Just don't give up on me, okay?
I'm still me.
We're still us.
I got it. I fucking got it.
How about I just kiss the bitch?
- What? Wait, what'd you say?
- No.
What if I just grabbed her face...
...went in for a slow kiss...
...and just made out with her?
Okay, I'm calling my agent,
because this is bullshit.
How is this bullshit?
Let's be bold up in this bitch.
- What does that mean?
- I'm not really up on the rules...
...of television, per se,
but I think the idea is to...
...milk the sexual tension
for as long as inhumanly possible.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's milk the sexual tension, right?
- Fuck that. Let's change that rule.
- I'd have to run that by Rath.
Where's that motherfucker?
He's not around, never here.
He just sits up in
his ivory tower, pulling strings...
...just like, "Dance for me,
motherfucker. Dance, yeah."
Tell him I am not his Bojangles.
He's got a zillion things to do...
...and he thinks the set
is a big time-waster...
...and I'm beginning to see his point.
Let's not waste time, then.
What if I kiss this bitch...
...make her jealous,
and they just start, like, fighting?
- Can you not call us bitches, Hashtag?
- Yeah.
I'm sorry, ladies.
Look, I mean no harm.
I got love for y'all,
but it's the way I express myself.
Let me be free with my language.
That's what makes me the Bruce Lee
of comedy, you know?
- Enter The Fucking Dragon.
- Herr Director...
...care to weigh in
with your expert opinion?
I mean, I think Hashtag has a point.
Network television is
on its fucking deathbed.
Goethe said it best:
"Let's be bold.
Mighty forces will come to our aid."
- What do you think?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't know who this bitch Berta is,
but I like how she thinks.
All right, so I think
you should talk to Rath.
Half hour, you guys.
Half hour, everybody.
- You think this is a good idea?
- It's a terrible idea.
He's a fucking crazy person.
He terrifies me, Hank.
But I gotta keep him on my side,
or it's gonna be a long season.
- You're fucking useless, you know that?
- Am I? Am I useless?
Or am I a strategic thinker?
- Useless.
- Just go talk to Rath.
He'll shout it down,
we'll do it as scripted.
Sometimes you got to
indulge the children.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You're not gonna make me
kiss that lunatic?
- Not if I can help it.
- Thank God.
I can think of somebody else
I'd much rather be kissing.
The director?
God, did I tell you? He texted me
a picture of his penis.
How'd you respond?
I texted back saying,
"Where's the rest of it?"
- He hasn't given me a note since.
- Amy Taylor Walsh...
...kicking ass and taking names.
- That's right, motherfucker.
Yeah, motherfucker.
- Speaking of notes...
- Yeah?
Do you want to come
to my trailer and discuss?
Yeah, I'm trying to be
a good boy, you know?
I'm trying to keep my head on straight.
- Why, Hank? Where's the fun in that?
- No, it's not fun. It's not fun at all.
But I'm not a funster right now.
I'm trying to be a producer.
That's right.
You're a producer. Of course.
Actually, I need help producing
something in my trailer.
You stop. I've gotta talk to Rath
before we shoot the scene.
I don't want a boner while I do that.
Fine, come by afterwards.
There's a few lines
that need sharpening.
- It's more than a few.
- It's triage, Hank.
We do what we can
in the time we have and...
...if we're lucky, we have some
good old dirty fun while we're at it.
Gosh, you make it sound so honorable.
You know where to find me.
- Not a good idea, my friend.
- What?
That woman is a fucking man-eater.
The stories are legendary.
I am staying strong, like bull.
Do better, okay?
You start fucking the actresses...
...the whole show
will go down in flames.
Trust me, I've been there,
a couple of times.
I believe you.
Fun memories, though.
Okay, back to earth, where Hashtag
wants me to rewrite the scene.
- Fuck that.
- That's what I said, in my head.
You're producing the episode.
You make the call.
They want to do something stupid,
don't let them.
- Tell them no. It's that simple.
- Sounds simple, when you say it.
- Hey, let me ask you something.
- What?
How do I get back
in Julia's good graces?
I don't know, man. Maybe
you gotta let it go for a while.
You know, wait until we wrap...
...or get canceled.
I don't know if I can do that.
- She haunts my dreams.
- Yeah.
- Has she said anything about me?
- No, not really.
- No.
- You're not sniffing around there?
I mean, I would understand
the temptation if you were.
You have the kid in common.
You both have private parts.
I would imagine shit
could go down pretty easily.
- Fuck, I gotta go.
- Really? What? Where?
What could be more
fascinating and important than this?
I am sitting down with E*ddie Nero.
The network's desperate
for some stunt casting.
Well, give that pansexual loon my best.
- I will.
- He took a man in his mouth, you know.
- Really?
- Yeah, it was research for a part.
He'll tell you all about it.
He engineered that orgasm...
...with hands and feet.
- Can't wait.
- Yeah.
Stay strong, Hank.
- These are the times that try a man's soul.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
- Let me guess, Rath.
Lovely. Gets my juices flowing.
How about you...?
Well, I guess so.
You're not buttering me up
for notes, are you?
- I have a note. Shut up and fuck me.
- You do?
Wow, you really have caught
the boning bug, haven't you?
- Is there a problem?
- No, there's nothing wrong with it...
Have a problem with
single moms being sexual?
- I encourage that.
- Good.
It's just that I wouldn't want
Levon to find out.
- Forget about Levon.
- I don't want to get his hopes up.
Just stay in the moment, okay?
Oh, my...
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Mom, is Hank in there?
Fucking cock-blocker strikes again.
- Hey, buddy.
- What's going on?
What? What do you mean?
- You guys been messing around?
- What?
Why...? Why would you ask that?
Why would you think that?
That is a weird
fucking question, dude, right?
- No, it's not.
- It's fucked up.
Well, the energy feels weird
in here right now...
...and your makeup's screwy,
like a homeless hooker.
Don't be silly, honey. I just have
a few questions about the scene.
- Really?
- Can I help you?
- I need to talk to you.
- Okay, well, let's talk.
- I think we're good?
- Yeah, I just need to fix my makeup.
- Get out of here.
- But you got... Yeah, okay.
All right, and you?
Come back.
I'm about to do my audition.
Can you be in the room when I do it?
I don't have time for
that shit right now, kid. Sorry.
Please? The casting director hates me.
She thinks it's just a favor.
- It is just a favor.
- Yeah, I know.
But this way you can tell Rath
you saw me and I was fucking awesome.
I'm worried that she'll tell him
I suck and he'll never see it.
Five minutes. That's all I ask.
Hey, Hank.
Hashtag's looking for you.
- Fuck, where is he?
- Around here somewhere...
- All right, well, just tell him I'm on set.
- Wait, that's a lie.
So what? It's not
the fucking Boy Scouts.
You don't need to sit in on this.
And yet here I am.
Let's get this party started.
- Ready, Levon?
- Sure.
- Should I sit or stand?
- Totally up to you, hon.
Relax, kid.
You're sweating like a pig.
I know, I know.
I'm really fucking nervous. I'm sorry.
No, no, I don't know if
that's gonna help with the sweating.
- Oh, my God! Okay.
- You all right?
- Man down.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I am so sorry.
- No, no problem. Don't worry about it.
You all right? Thank you.
Okay. It's just...
Levon, leave it.
- Sorry.
- Great. No, not to worry. Have a seat.
Okay.
Slate for the camera.
Hello, I'm Levon Moody.
Hey.
Represented by Charles Runkle,
the Runkle Agency.
I'm reading for the part of the kid.
And I'm okay with nudity.
No nudity required.
I know, I'm just letting you know.
- Pretty happy with my body right now.
- Great.
- Okay, you ready?
- Yes, yes, I am.
Yo, is your father home?
Who wants to know?
Who wants to know?
Danko Jones is who.
Get your old man out here, kid.
E*xcuse me. I'm sorry.
I am so sorry. I mean, excuse me.
I have a really nervous tummy
right now. Can I do that again?
You know what? I think we got it.
Sorry. He didn't believe me, Hank.
- He's coming up the stairs.
- Fuck. Okay.
- That was great, kid.
- Thanks.
It would have been better without that
one-cheek sneak, but up until then, aces.
- Sorry.
- Hey, Hank.
- You don't have to apologize.
- I gotta wait for Hashtag.
- He's just, you know...
- Oh, sit down. Stay.
- You want a water?
- Sure, I'm a little parched.
Oh, good.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Oh, look at you.
You kind of feel it, don't you?
- What?
- You know, like, the us of it all.
- Oh, that, yeah.
- Yeah, so much tension.
- Right, right.
- You know, just...
E*ver since you started working here
this job has just gotten much more fun.
- Like, exponentially more fun.
- Well, I try to be additive.
Yeah, yeah, it's just nice to have
some real male energy around here.
You know, Rath, he's cool,
he's great and all...
...but he's just so closed off.
Yeah, I do find him
emotionally unavailable.
Totally. And you don't know
what it's like to sit next to Hugh.
- He's just...
- I do. Yeah, it's excruciating.
Yeah, so I just want you to know
that I am into it...
...if you are.
- Into what exactly?
You know, like an interoffice romance.
Some kind of a thing like...
Yeah, you know what, Jade?
I got an idea. Let's not, and
pleasure ourselves to the thought.
Oh, a little naughty.
Yes, I took the
sexual harassment seminar.
Or I bribed Hugh to take it
with a Sprinkles gift card, you know?
And I just don't think that my handsome
10 inches is worth the trouble.
You know what they say, a moment
on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.
- That doesn't really make sense.
- I'm making you flustered, aren't I?
- Yes, you are.
- Come on, it would be so fun.
- It's not love or anything.
- No, no.
But you are definitely
the hottest guy in the room.
Well, that's not really
saying much, is it?
I mean, it's safe to say
I'm the hottest girl in the room.
Well, you are, you are.
E*xcept for Terry, of course.
- Of course, yeah.
- Right. Terry's pretty hot...
What is the deal? I haven't
gotten the story from anybody.
Yeah, I'm not sure.
E*veryone says one thing...
...and then says... Oh, hey.
- Hank, your manager's here.
- Oh, awesome.
- Well, you think about it, Hank.
- I will, Jarde.
- Think about what?
None of your fucking business, Hugh.
Get out of here.
Close the door.
- Jade's pretty cute, huh?
- Totes.
I'm trying to get
the nerve to ask her out.
You should do that.
You should do that right now.
Yeah? You think I have a shot?
We're always the last
to know, aren't we?
She is totally warm for your
pear-shaped form, dude. Trust.
What's up, sweet cheeks?
Why are you here?
I came to support
my most important client...
...as he produces his
very first episode of television.
It's kind of an imposition.
I don't have time to babysit...
...your pale, pockmarked ass.
Actually, I need to talk
to you about something.
Of course it's about you.
I should've figured that out.
I'm in a really bad way right now, Hank.
What is it? Still with
the uncooperative ween?
No, that's working well now, actually.
That's great. Right?
Not exactly.
Come on, Charlie, I don't have all day.
I gotta meet Karen for a drink later.
A drink with Karen?
What's that all about?
E*verything is so crazy right now, I can't
make the right move to save my life.
And she centers me, you know?
I could use some centering myself now.
Okay. All right, buddy,
out with it. What is it?
Stu has offered me a million dollars
to let him fuck Marcy again.
- You're kidding?
- I'm not.
- That is fucked up, Charlie.
- I know.
You're not gonna do it, are you?
I don't know yet.
Marcy really wants the money.
We could really use the cash.
I would never be okay with somebody
fucking Karen for a million dollars.
I had to put up with Bates banging her,
and I didn't even get paid for it.
Who knows what kind of nasty shit
is swimming around that guy's urethra?
He's probably got
the avian flu in his semen.
- Back to me, okay?
- Sure, what?
All right, slightly complicating matters...
...is the fact that
every single time we discuss it...
...we get incredibly turned on
and end up fucking.
- What the fuck is wrong with you two?
- I don't know.
Know what's wrong
with you and your dick?
Deep down you don't believe
that you deserve to be happy.
That's your fucking problem.
Tell your dick that it's okay
to live happily ever after.
- Speak of the fucking devil.
- The handsome devil.
How's everything going on-stage?
It's a fucking nightmare.
Care to lend a hand?
Oh, God, no.
I'm what they call a
hands-off executive producer.
- E*xcept when it comes to the money.
- Of course.
Speaking of money...
...I'm going to be putting a clock
on that offer I made you, Charlie.
You know which one I'm talking about.
Yeah, we know all about
your indecent proposal, Stu.
Well, I think it is very decent...
My man, butterbean!
- Champion!
- Jesus!
Runkle, are you out of your mind?
- You insulted my man's pride.
- That's right.
Insulted him?
I made a very generous offer.
And I think it speaks to the depth
of my feelings for Marcy...
...that the offer still stands...
...in spite of this completely
unwarranted aggression.
Hashtag's looking for you.
What the fuck does
that asshole want now?
Standing right behind me, isn't he?
- I thought we was friends, Moody.
- We are, Hashtag. We are.
It's just that I'm in such a frenzy here...
...and this bitch is
running off the rails as we speak.
Come on, walk with me.
What the fuck is up
with that motherfucker?
- Which one?
- The one who gender confuses...
...the shit out of me.
- Terry, yep.
Yeah, Terry. What's the deal
with that lady-dude?
I haven't been able to get
an answer. I don't know.
- Smoke weed?
- I most certainly do.
Smoke with me. Vaporizer.
I will.
Level with me, Moody.
- You think I got what it takes?
- What it takes?
Yeah, to handle superstardom.
Sure, why not, Hashtag?
You're as cool as they come.
I present myself that way,
but I don't know, man.
Sometimes I want
to go back to the clubs.
Make motherfuckers
laugh their asses off...
...know what I'm saying?
- Yeah.
I want to go back
to my childhood bedroom...
...write a short story
and then pleasure myself...
...to my trusty old copy
of Penthouse Letters.
You know if this shit flops, right,
my face is on every billboard.
That's why I'm so
particular about my shit.
I understand. It's just...
I wouldn't steer you wrong, Hashtag.
So, what you think
about Amy Taylor Walsh?
- Very talented.
- Yeah, yeah, she's a good actor.
I'm saying, like, you know,
she's crazy hot, right?
I want you to write me a scene
where me and her, we're just making out.
I don't care if it's a dream sequence.
If the show get canceled, I'll have that.
I could do that for you...
...but I think the third episode
is too soon, you know?
- I trust your instincts.
- I thought you were into Julia.
No, Julia, man, it's too complicated.
You got a kid with her.
Rath digs her. I'm good, man.
I'm not trying to
have a project, feel me?
Copy that, motherfucker.
Yeah, man.
I'm happy we talked.
I feel we connected on a human level.
- Me too.
- Look, I really respect your writing.
Thank you. And I really
respect your taste in weed.
Hey, we can smoke anytime.
Boys!
- What up? What up?
- Yo!
Hey, y'all got some pitches for me?
Yeah. Yo, man, we got a phone book
full of funny shit right here, brother.
We were shitting jokes
on the walk over.
- Shitting jokes? Shitting jokes?
- What? What? What?
Shit them jokes.
Hey, fuck exposition, right?
- What are you talking about?
- Oh, I had them rewrite the scene.
- Punch it up. Make it funny.
- My scene?
The one I wrote? That we're shooting?
You didn't want to rewrite it,
so I had these boys make it funny.
And plus you're not a comedy writer.
But I'm witty, right?
- Sorry, Moody.
- I still love you, Moody.
Amy Taylor Walsh
wants to see you in her trailer.
- Lovely.
- Want me to chaperone?
I do have experience
with these weirdoes.
That is a kind offer, Terry, but...
No, thank you.
But can I ask you something?
Yes.
Never mind.
Forget it.
Just wanted your
thoughts on my wardrobe.
- What do you think?
- I think it looks great.
- Is there another option?
- Nope.
I just really wanted you to see me
in my lacy underthings.
Mission accomplished,
and thank you for that.
You're welcome.
You know, I do need to fix something.
- What is that?
- This.
- There, done.
- But what exactly did you fix?
I didn't think it was right
that you'd gone down on me...
...and we hadn't even kissed.
- You're right.
That does seem a little improper.
- Absolutely right.
- Yeah, very.
You know what, Amy Taylor Walsh?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here...
...and suggest that perhaps
this is not the best of ideas.
Why is that?
Because these are the times
that try men's souls.
Is that what I'm doing?
- Yeah.
- Am I trying your soul?
Among other things.
Are you high?
A little bit more than I'd like to be.
Who'd you get high with?
Amy Taylor Walsh...
What the...?
- What...? What the fuck is this shit?
- What the fuck?
- You can't come busting into my trailer!
- Lock the fucking door.
I wasn't expecting any fucking visitors.
- Listen...
- This is my joint, okay?
I'm number one on the call sheet.
I don't give a shit what number you are,
I'm not gonna fuck you.
That's a mistake. Bitches love me,
and I need an on-set romance.
Go fuck an extra.
That's what they're for.
- Get out!
- I'm too pretty for that.
Bullshit!
Can you believe how
unprofessional some people are?
- So unprofessional.
- So crazy.
Moody, I can't believe this, man.
After the talk we had?
- This is bullshit.
- Get out.
They're ready on set.
All right, let's make some television.
- Are you on your way?
- Yeah, I'm on my way.
- How about you?
- I will be, shortly.
Very shortly. We just gotta
rehearse this scene.
- Thirty minutes or less.
- Oh, Hank.
I don't want to wait for
what already promises to be...
...an unpleasant conversation.
- Why you gotta be like that?
I'm looking forward to this.
Thank you. Thank you for doing it.
It's okay. You know,
I just want to talk about...
...how and when
you plan to tell Becca...
... about all the shiny, new people
in your life.
And then I wanna go, okay?
I wanna go home.
- Deal?
- Deal.
But I just gotta see you smile
before you go home, okay? One time?
- I can't make any promises.
- Perfect.
I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'll see you soon.
- Thought you could use this.
- Thanks, kid, you read my mind.
How'd I do? Was I any good?
I don't really remember it,
except for the fart.
Which was good. Solid, solid fart.
- It was fucking embarrassing, though.
- It was memorable.
You were right.
E*ddie Nero is a fucking psycho.
The guy wouldn't stop talking about
you and taking a man in his mouth.
I think what he wants
is to take you in his mouth.
- Oh, well, it's always nice to be wanted.
- Yeah. How's it going?
Not great.
Are you stoned?
- Are you stoned?
- Not as much as I'd like to be.
And try one. We'll just try it.
- Will you just listen?
- And action.
- Freeze!
- Freeze!
You got the right to remain sexy.
Oh, come on.
Anything you say
will be held against me.
- One time, do it like the script.
- Do you understand the kisses...
...that's coming out of my mouth?
- What the fuck is this? Cut!
Who the hell is yelling
cut on my set...? Oh, sorry.
I call cut when I see the
inmates running the asylum.
Hank, what's going on here?
Hashtag is working
some shit through his system...
...and, you know, we're gonna
circle back and get it all.
- It's gonna be fine.
- You're the adult.
You have to babysit or
they'll rollerblade over you.
Wait. Moody's your idea of an adult...
...when he's sticking his pecker
in all the actresses?
Let's not rehash ancient history.
That was weeks ago.
We're past that now.
- Let's deal with this...
- Oh, no. It was five minutes ago.
I caught him macking on Amy.
What the fuck did I tell you?
You were macking on her?
What's macking mean?
- Nothing.
- It means, like, making out.
You were macking on her
when you were inside of me?
- Julia...
- You were inside her? What the fuck?
- That didn't happen.
- May I suggest a sidebar?
See, I should have
trusted my gut with you.
I never should've hired you.
You are a fucking toddler
with a toxic personality.
Does this mean you're back together?
That'd be incredible.
The world's greatest love story.
I can't believe I'm
second fiddle to a guest star.
- Come on, really?
- That's not very nice.
Look, I'm not trying to be a bitch. L...
Wait, wait. Wait.
Time out. What's the rules?
- She said bitch. I can't say it?
- Nobody's talking to you.
A woman can say it. E*xactly. I'm sorry.
- I'm feeling slightly used. That's all.
- I know the feeling.
You knew I liked her.
Where's your honor?
This guy, he has
no honor and no shame.
Watch it, worm. You want that
stink finger? I'll give it to you.
You're fucking fired.
Take your fucking stink fingers...
...get off my set before
you give somebody pinkeye.
Okay, excuse me, whose set is this?
Wanna fire someone, you go through me.
- I'm an executive producer.
- In name only.
- Can I fire him?
- No.
You're lucky I live to shoot.
- Rath, it's complicated.
- It's not complicated.
I asked, "You okay
with me pursuing her?"
- Yes, yes.
- You said you were.
Then you move in on her?
What is that?
I didn't move in on her,
but it's like you said.
We share a kid.
We both have private parts.
Shit happens. And I'm not gonna
apologize for any of this shit.
It's none of your business
who she fucks or doesn't fuck...
...because it's up to her.
She doesn't exist to service us.
We're lucky she even looks
in our direction occasionally.
I want to be mad,
but then you're so sweet!
- I know. What a fucking asshole.
- What the...?
Okay, back to work.
Let's do the fucking scene, all right?
If there's so much
as a comma out of place...
...we stay all night until we get it.
This isn't the fucking
Improv Olympics, all right?
It's Rick Rath's
finishing school for assholes...
...where the script is innocent
until proven guilty.
Karen, I am so sorry. I'm on my way.
- Hank, it's Marcy.
- What are you doing with Karen's phone?
And what's this I hear
about you fucking Stu for money?
Shut up and listen. I gotta try
to get through this without crying.
I'm at the hospital.
Karen was in a car accident.
Ripped By mstoll
Rath is fucking my shit up.
He's about the drama,
I'm all about the funny.
- I'm not that funny.
- Yeah, but you's fucking witty.
And together we can...
- Damn. Who's that piece of ass?
- That? That would be Julia.
Is it cool if I pursue her?
You're not looking to rekindle?
- No, no, not at all.
- Why not?
- This is a terrible idea.
- It's a terrible idea.
I don't like how Rath's writing me.
You're a very pleasant actress,
very agreeable.
- I can do better.
- I want to sleep with Marcy again...
...with your permission,
and hers, of course.
I am willing to pay you guys
a cool 1 million...
...if you will let me sleep with her again.
Think about it.
We were wondering if maybe
he could audition for a small part.
- Yeah, you can read for something.
- Awesome.
- I want to talk about Becca.
- I know. That's why I'm ducking you.
Well, when are you gonna
tell her about Levon?
Just don't give up on me, okay?
I'm still me.
We're still us.
I got it. I fucking got it.
How about I just kiss the bitch?
- What? Wait, what'd you say?
- No.
What if I just grabbed her face...
...went in for a slow kiss...
...and just made out with her?
Okay, I'm calling my agent,
because this is bullshit.
How is this bullshit?
Let's be bold up in this bitch.
- What does that mean?
- I'm not really up on the rules...
...of television, per se,
but I think the idea is to...
...milk the sexual tension
for as long as inhumanly possible.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's milk the sexual tension, right?
- Fuck that. Let's change that rule.
- I'd have to run that by Rath.
Where's that motherfucker?
He's not around, never here.
He just sits up in
his ivory tower, pulling strings...
...just like, "Dance for me,
motherfucker. Dance, yeah."
Tell him I am not his Bojangles.
He's got a zillion things to do...
...and he thinks the set
is a big time-waster...
...and I'm beginning to see his point.
Let's not waste time, then.
What if I kiss this bitch...
...make her jealous,
and they just start, like, fighting?
- Can you not call us bitches, Hashtag?
- Yeah.
I'm sorry, ladies.
Look, I mean no harm.
I got love for y'all,
but it's the way I express myself.
Let me be free with my language.
That's what makes me the Bruce Lee
of comedy, you know?
- Enter The Fucking Dragon.
- Herr Director...
...care to weigh in
with your expert opinion?
I mean, I think Hashtag has a point.
Network television is
on its fucking deathbed.
Goethe said it best:
"Let's be bold.
Mighty forces will come to our aid."
- What do you think?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't know who this bitch Berta is,
but I like how she thinks.
All right, so I think
you should talk to Rath.
Half hour, you guys.
Half hour, everybody.
- You think this is a good idea?
- It's a terrible idea.
He's a fucking crazy person.
He terrifies me, Hank.
But I gotta keep him on my side,
or it's gonna be a long season.
- You're fucking useless, you know that?
- Am I? Am I useless?
Or am I a strategic thinker?
- Useless.
- Just go talk to Rath.
He'll shout it down,
we'll do it as scripted.
Sometimes you got to
indulge the children.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You're not gonna make me
kiss that lunatic?
- Not if I can help it.
- Thank God.
I can think of somebody else
I'd much rather be kissing.
The director?
God, did I tell you? He texted me
a picture of his penis.
How'd you respond?
I texted back saying,
"Where's the rest of it?"
- He hasn't given me a note since.
- Amy Taylor Walsh...
...kicking ass and taking names.
- That's right, motherfucker.
Yeah, motherfucker.
- Speaking of notes...
- Yeah?
Do you want to come
to my trailer and discuss?
Yeah, I'm trying to be
a good boy, you know?
I'm trying to keep my head on straight.
- Why, Hank? Where's the fun in that?
- No, it's not fun. It's not fun at all.
But I'm not a funster right now.
I'm trying to be a producer.
That's right.
You're a producer. Of course.
Actually, I need help producing
something in my trailer.
You stop. I've gotta talk to Rath
before we shoot the scene.
I don't want a boner while I do that.
Fine, come by afterwards.
There's a few lines
that need sharpening.
- It's more than a few.
- It's triage, Hank.
We do what we can
in the time we have and...
...if we're lucky, we have some
good old dirty fun while we're at it.
Gosh, you make it sound so honorable.
You know where to find me.
- Not a good idea, my friend.
- What?
That woman is a fucking man-eater.
The stories are legendary.
I am staying strong, like bull.
Do better, okay?
You start fucking the actresses...
...the whole show
will go down in flames.
Trust me, I've been there,
a couple of times.
I believe you.
Fun memories, though.
Okay, back to earth, where Hashtag
wants me to rewrite the scene.
- Fuck that.
- That's what I said, in my head.
You're producing the episode.
You make the call.
They want to do something stupid,
don't let them.
- Tell them no. It's that simple.
- Sounds simple, when you say it.
- Hey, let me ask you something.
- What?
How do I get back
in Julia's good graces?
I don't know, man. Maybe
you gotta let it go for a while.
You know, wait until we wrap...
...or get canceled.
I don't know if I can do that.
- She haunts my dreams.
- Yeah.
- Has she said anything about me?
- No, not really.
- No.
- You're not sniffing around there?
I mean, I would understand
the temptation if you were.
You have the kid in common.
You both have private parts.
I would imagine shit
could go down pretty easily.
- Fuck, I gotta go.
- Really? What? Where?
What could be more
fascinating and important than this?
I am sitting down with E*ddie Nero.
The network's desperate
for some stunt casting.
Well, give that pansexual loon my best.
- I will.
- He took a man in his mouth, you know.
- Really?
- Yeah, it was research for a part.
He'll tell you all about it.
He engineered that orgasm...
...with hands and feet.
- Can't wait.
- Yeah.
Stay strong, Hank.
- These are the times that try a man's soul.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
- Let me guess, Rath.
Lovely. Gets my juices flowing.
How about you...?
Well, I guess so.
You're not buttering me up
for notes, are you?
- I have a note. Shut up and fuck me.
- You do?
Wow, you really have caught
the boning bug, haven't you?
- Is there a problem?
- No, there's nothing wrong with it...
Have a problem with
single moms being sexual?
- I encourage that.
- Good.
It's just that I wouldn't want
Levon to find out.
- Forget about Levon.
- I don't want to get his hopes up.
Just stay in the moment, okay?
Oh, my...
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Mom, is Hank in there?
Fucking cock-blocker strikes again.
- Hey, buddy.
- What's going on?
What? What do you mean?
- You guys been messing around?
- What?
Why...? Why would you ask that?
Why would you think that?
That is a weird
fucking question, dude, right?
- No, it's not.
- It's fucked up.
Well, the energy feels weird
in here right now...
...and your makeup's screwy,
like a homeless hooker.
Don't be silly, honey. I just have
a few questions about the scene.
- Really?
- Can I help you?
- I need to talk to you.
- Okay, well, let's talk.
- I think we're good?
- Yeah, I just need to fix my makeup.
- Get out of here.
- But you got... Yeah, okay.
All right, and you?
Come back.
I'm about to do my audition.
Can you be in the room when I do it?
I don't have time for
that shit right now, kid. Sorry.
Please? The casting director hates me.
She thinks it's just a favor.
- It is just a favor.
- Yeah, I know.
But this way you can tell Rath
you saw me and I was fucking awesome.
I'm worried that she'll tell him
I suck and he'll never see it.
Five minutes. That's all I ask.
Hey, Hank.
Hashtag's looking for you.
- Fuck, where is he?
- Around here somewhere...
- All right, well, just tell him I'm on set.
- Wait, that's a lie.
So what? It's not
the fucking Boy Scouts.
You don't need to sit in on this.
And yet here I am.
Let's get this party started.
- Ready, Levon?
- Sure.
- Should I sit or stand?
- Totally up to you, hon.
Relax, kid.
You're sweating like a pig.
I know, I know.
I'm really fucking nervous. I'm sorry.
No, no, I don't know if
that's gonna help with the sweating.
- Oh, my God! Okay.
- You all right?
- Man down.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I am so sorry.
- No, no problem. Don't worry about it.
You all right? Thank you.
Okay. It's just...
Levon, leave it.
- Sorry.
- Great. No, not to worry. Have a seat.
Okay.
Slate for the camera.
Hello, I'm Levon Moody.
Hey.
Represented by Charles Runkle,
the Runkle Agency.
I'm reading for the part of the kid.
And I'm okay with nudity.
No nudity required.
I know, I'm just letting you know.
- Pretty happy with my body right now.
- Great.
- Okay, you ready?
- Yes, yes, I am.
Yo, is your father home?
Who wants to know?
Who wants to know?
Danko Jones is who.
Get your old man out here, kid.
E*xcuse me. I'm sorry.
I am so sorry. I mean, excuse me.
I have a really nervous tummy
right now. Can I do that again?
You know what? I think we got it.
Sorry. He didn't believe me, Hank.
- He's coming up the stairs.
- Fuck. Okay.
- That was great, kid.
- Thanks.
It would have been better without that
one-cheek sneak, but up until then, aces.
- Sorry.
- Hey, Hank.
- You don't have to apologize.
- I gotta wait for Hashtag.
- He's just, you know...
- Oh, sit down. Stay.
- You want a water?
- Sure, I'm a little parched.
Oh, good.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Oh, look at you.
You kind of feel it, don't you?
- What?
- You know, like, the us of it all.
- Oh, that, yeah.
- Yeah, so much tension.
- Right, right.
- You know, just...
E*ver since you started working here
this job has just gotten much more fun.
- Like, exponentially more fun.
- Well, I try to be additive.
Yeah, yeah, it's just nice to have
some real male energy around here.
You know, Rath, he's cool,
he's great and all...
...but he's just so closed off.
Yeah, I do find him
emotionally unavailable.
Totally. And you don't know
what it's like to sit next to Hugh.
- He's just...
- I do. Yeah, it's excruciating.
Yeah, so I just want you to know
that I am into it...
...if you are.
- Into what exactly?
You know, like an interoffice romance.
Some kind of a thing like...
Yeah, you know what, Jade?
I got an idea. Let's not, and
pleasure ourselves to the thought.
Oh, a little naughty.
Yes, I took the
sexual harassment seminar.
Or I bribed Hugh to take it
with a Sprinkles gift card, you know?
And I just don't think that my handsome
10 inches is worth the trouble.
You know what they say, a moment
on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.
- That doesn't really make sense.
- I'm making you flustered, aren't I?
- Yes, you are.
- Come on, it would be so fun.
- It's not love or anything.
- No, no.
But you are definitely
the hottest guy in the room.
Well, that's not really
saying much, is it?
I mean, it's safe to say
I'm the hottest girl in the room.
Well, you are, you are.
E*xcept for Terry, of course.
- Of course, yeah.
- Right. Terry's pretty hot...
What is the deal? I haven't
gotten the story from anybody.
Yeah, I'm not sure.
E*veryone says one thing...
...and then says... Oh, hey.
- Hank, your manager's here.
- Oh, awesome.
- Well, you think about it, Hank.
- I will, Jarde.
- Think about what?
None of your fucking business, Hugh.
Get out of here.
Close the door.
- Jade's pretty cute, huh?
- Totes.
I'm trying to get
the nerve to ask her out.
You should do that.
You should do that right now.
Yeah? You think I have a shot?
We're always the last
to know, aren't we?
She is totally warm for your
pear-shaped form, dude. Trust.
What's up, sweet cheeks?
Why are you here?
I came to support
my most important client...
...as he produces his
very first episode of television.
It's kind of an imposition.
I don't have time to babysit...
...your pale, pockmarked ass.
Actually, I need to talk
to you about something.
Of course it's about you.
I should've figured that out.
I'm in a really bad way right now, Hank.
What is it? Still with
the uncooperative ween?
No, that's working well now, actually.
That's great. Right?
Not exactly.
Come on, Charlie, I don't have all day.
I gotta meet Karen for a drink later.
A drink with Karen?
What's that all about?
E*verything is so crazy right now, I can't
make the right move to save my life.
And she centers me, you know?
I could use some centering myself now.
Okay. All right, buddy,
out with it. What is it?
Stu has offered me a million dollars
to let him fuck Marcy again.
- You're kidding?
- I'm not.
- That is fucked up, Charlie.
- I know.
You're not gonna do it, are you?
I don't know yet.
Marcy really wants the money.
We could really use the cash.
I would never be okay with somebody
fucking Karen for a million dollars.
I had to put up with Bates banging her,
and I didn't even get paid for it.
Who knows what kind of nasty shit
is swimming around that guy's urethra?
He's probably got
the avian flu in his semen.
- Back to me, okay?
- Sure, what?
All right, slightly complicating matters...
...is the fact that
every single time we discuss it...
...we get incredibly turned on
and end up fucking.
- What the fuck is wrong with you two?
- I don't know.
Know what's wrong
with you and your dick?
Deep down you don't believe
that you deserve to be happy.
That's your fucking problem.
Tell your dick that it's okay
to live happily ever after.
- Speak of the fucking devil.
- The handsome devil.
How's everything going on-stage?
It's a fucking nightmare.
Care to lend a hand?
Oh, God, no.
I'm what they call a
hands-off executive producer.
- E*xcept when it comes to the money.
- Of course.
Speaking of money...
...I'm going to be putting a clock
on that offer I made you, Charlie.
You know which one I'm talking about.
Yeah, we know all about
your indecent proposal, Stu.
Well, I think it is very decent...
My man, butterbean!
- Champion!
- Jesus!
Runkle, are you out of your mind?
- You insulted my man's pride.
- That's right.
Insulted him?
I made a very generous offer.
And I think it speaks to the depth
of my feelings for Marcy...
...that the offer still stands...
...in spite of this completely
unwarranted aggression.
Hashtag's looking for you.
What the fuck does
that asshole want now?
Standing right behind me, isn't he?
- I thought we was friends, Moody.
- We are, Hashtag. We are.
It's just that I'm in such a frenzy here...
...and this bitch is
running off the rails as we speak.
Come on, walk with me.
What the fuck is up
with that motherfucker?
- Which one?
- The one who gender confuses...
...the shit out of me.
- Terry, yep.
Yeah, Terry. What's the deal
with that lady-dude?
I haven't been able to get
an answer. I don't know.
- Smoke weed?
- I most certainly do.
Smoke with me. Vaporizer.
I will.
Level with me, Moody.
- You think I got what it takes?
- What it takes?
Yeah, to handle superstardom.
Sure, why not, Hashtag?
You're as cool as they come.
I present myself that way,
but I don't know, man.
Sometimes I want
to go back to the clubs.
Make motherfuckers
laugh their asses off...
...know what I'm saying?
- Yeah.
I want to go back
to my childhood bedroom...
...write a short story
and then pleasure myself...
...to my trusty old copy
of Penthouse Letters.
You know if this shit flops, right,
my face is on every billboard.
That's why I'm so
particular about my shit.
I understand. It's just...
I wouldn't steer you wrong, Hashtag.
So, what you think
about Amy Taylor Walsh?
- Very talented.
- Yeah, yeah, she's a good actor.
I'm saying, like, you know,
she's crazy hot, right?
I want you to write me a scene
where me and her, we're just making out.
I don't care if it's a dream sequence.
If the show get canceled, I'll have that.
I could do that for you...
...but I think the third episode
is too soon, you know?
- I trust your instincts.
- I thought you were into Julia.
No, Julia, man, it's too complicated.
You got a kid with her.
Rath digs her. I'm good, man.
I'm not trying to
have a project, feel me?
Copy that, motherfucker.
Yeah, man.
I'm happy we talked.
I feel we connected on a human level.
- Me too.
- Look, I really respect your writing.
Thank you. And I really
respect your taste in weed.
Hey, we can smoke anytime.
Boys!
- What up? What up?
- Yo!
Hey, y'all got some pitches for me?
Yeah. Yo, man, we got a phone book
full of funny shit right here, brother.
We were shitting jokes
on the walk over.
- Shitting jokes? Shitting jokes?
- What? What? What?
Shit them jokes.
Hey, fuck exposition, right?
- What are you talking about?
- Oh, I had them rewrite the scene.
- Punch it up. Make it funny.
- My scene?
The one I wrote? That we're shooting?
You didn't want to rewrite it,
so I had these boys make it funny.
And plus you're not a comedy writer.
But I'm witty, right?
- Sorry, Moody.
- I still love you, Moody.
Amy Taylor Walsh
wants to see you in her trailer.
- Lovely.
- Want me to chaperone?
I do have experience
with these weirdoes.
That is a kind offer, Terry, but...
No, thank you.
But can I ask you something?
Yes.
Never mind.
Forget it.
Just wanted your
thoughts on my wardrobe.
- What do you think?
- I think it looks great.
- Is there another option?
- Nope.
I just really wanted you to see me
in my lacy underthings.
Mission accomplished,
and thank you for that.
You're welcome.
You know, I do need to fix something.
- What is that?
- This.
- There, done.
- But what exactly did you fix?
I didn't think it was right
that you'd gone down on me...
...and we hadn't even kissed.
- You're right.
That does seem a little improper.
- Absolutely right.
- Yeah, very.
You know what, Amy Taylor Walsh?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here...
...and suggest that perhaps
this is not the best of ideas.
Why is that?
Because these are the times
that try men's souls.
Is that what I'm doing?
- Yeah.
- Am I trying your soul?
Among other things.
Are you high?
A little bit more than I'd like to be.
Who'd you get high with?
Amy Taylor Walsh...
What the...?
- What...? What the fuck is this shit?
- What the fuck?
- You can't come busting into my trailer!
- Lock the fucking door.
I wasn't expecting any fucking visitors.
- Listen...
- This is my joint, okay?
I'm number one on the call sheet.
I don't give a shit what number you are,
I'm not gonna fuck you.
That's a mistake. Bitches love me,
and I need an on-set romance.
Go fuck an extra.
That's what they're for.
- Get out!
- I'm too pretty for that.
Bullshit!
Can you believe how
unprofessional some people are?
- So unprofessional.
- So crazy.
Moody, I can't believe this, man.
After the talk we had?
- This is bullshit.
- Get out.
They're ready on set.
All right, let's make some television.
- Are you on your way?
- Yeah, I'm on my way.
- How about you?
- I will be, shortly.
Very shortly. We just gotta
rehearse this scene.
- Thirty minutes or less.
- Oh, Hank.
I don't want to wait for
what already promises to be...
...an unpleasant conversation.
- Why you gotta be like that?
I'm looking forward to this.
Thank you. Thank you for doing it.
It's okay. You know,
I just want to talk about...
...how and when
you plan to tell Becca...
... about all the shiny, new people
in your life.
And then I wanna go, okay?
I wanna go home.
- Deal?
- Deal.
But I just gotta see you smile
before you go home, okay? One time?
- I can't make any promises.
- Perfect.
I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'll see you soon.
- Thought you could use this.
- Thanks, kid, you read my mind.
How'd I do? Was I any good?
I don't really remember it,
except for the fart.
Which was good. Solid, solid fart.
- It was fucking embarrassing, though.
- It was memorable.
You were right.
E*ddie Nero is a fucking psycho.
The guy wouldn't stop talking about
you and taking a man in his mouth.
I think what he wants
is to take you in his mouth.
- Oh, well, it's always nice to be wanted.
- Yeah. How's it going?
Not great.
Are you stoned?
- Are you stoned?
- Not as much as I'd like to be.
And try one. We'll just try it.
- Will you just listen?
- And action.
- Freeze!
- Freeze!
You got the right to remain sexy.
Oh, come on.
Anything you say
will be held against me.
- One time, do it like the script.
- Do you understand the kisses...
...that's coming out of my mouth?
- What the fuck is this? Cut!
Who the hell is yelling
cut on my set...? Oh, sorry.
I call cut when I see the
inmates running the asylum.
Hank, what's going on here?
Hashtag is working
some shit through his system...
...and, you know, we're gonna
circle back and get it all.
- It's gonna be fine.
- You're the adult.
You have to babysit or
they'll rollerblade over you.
Wait. Moody's your idea of an adult...
...when he's sticking his pecker
in all the actresses?
Let's not rehash ancient history.
That was weeks ago.
We're past that now.
- Let's deal with this...
- Oh, no. It was five minutes ago.
I caught him macking on Amy.
What the fuck did I tell you?
You were macking on her?
What's macking mean?
- Nothing.
- It means, like, making out.
You were macking on her
when you were inside of me?
- Julia...
- You were inside her? What the fuck?
- That didn't happen.
- May I suggest a sidebar?
See, I should have
trusted my gut with you.
I never should've hired you.
You are a fucking toddler
with a toxic personality.
Does this mean you're back together?
That'd be incredible.
The world's greatest love story.
I can't believe I'm
second fiddle to a guest star.
- Come on, really?
- That's not very nice.
Look, I'm not trying to be a bitch. L...
Wait, wait. Wait.
Time out. What's the rules?
- She said bitch. I can't say it?
- Nobody's talking to you.
A woman can say it. E*xactly. I'm sorry.
- I'm feeling slightly used. That's all.
- I know the feeling.
You knew I liked her.
Where's your honor?
This guy, he has
no honor and no shame.
Watch it, worm. You want that
stink finger? I'll give it to you.
You're fucking fired.
Take your fucking stink fingers...
...get off my set before
you give somebody pinkeye.
Okay, excuse me, whose set is this?
Wanna fire someone, you go through me.
- I'm an executive producer.
- In name only.
- Can I fire him?
- No.
You're lucky I live to shoot.
- Rath, it's complicated.
- It's not complicated.
I asked, "You okay
with me pursuing her?"
- Yes, yes.
- You said you were.
Then you move in on her?
What is that?
I didn't move in on her,
but it's like you said.
We share a kid.
We both have private parts.
Shit happens. And I'm not gonna
apologize for any of this shit.
It's none of your business
who she fucks or doesn't fuck...
...because it's up to her.
She doesn't exist to service us.
We're lucky she even looks
in our direction occasionally.
I want to be mad,
but then you're so sweet!
- I know. What a fucking asshole.
- What the...?
Okay, back to work.
Let's do the fucking scene, all right?
If there's so much
as a comma out of place...
...we stay all night until we get it.
This isn't the fucking
Improv Olympics, all right?
It's Rick Rath's
finishing school for assholes...
...where the script is innocent
until proven guilty.
Karen, I am so sorry. I'm on my way.
- Hank, it's Marcy.
- What are you doing with Karen's phone?
And what's this I hear
about you fucking Stu for money?
Shut up and listen. I gotta try
to get through this without crying.
I'm at the hospital.
Karen was in a car accident.
Ripped By mstoll