Californication (2007–2014): Season 7, Episode 7 - Smile - full transcript

Fuck off. Go away.

Previously on Californication:

And what's this big fan
gonna do with me?

Hey, you, I'm somebody's mother.

You're not mine, love.

- This is Chris. He's in my yoga class.
- Bye. Bye, now.

My dick isn't working.

I can't make sweet love to my wife.

You have another family.

The bottom has just officially
dropped out of our relationship.

I have a proposal for you.



I want to sleep with Marcy again.

What is wrong with you?

I don't know.

- What the fuck?
- I'm grateful to you...

...for giving me a job,
but if the job comes with strings...

...then I cannot and will not do it.
- I'm broke, Hank.

The kind of broke that forces a man
to do something desperate.

Nikki, I'm paying you very good money
to be my date tonight.

I wanted to make extra cash.
He said Hank would take care of it.

You got him a hooker?

We never should've moved to L.A.

- That is good.
- Oh, my God, that's so good.

Yeah, I love it when you pull...

- You again?
- Hello, Hank.



- What the fuck is this?
- None of your business.

I'm not sure that's entirely true, Karen.

- What are you doing here?
- That's none of your fucking business.

- Okay, let's get out.
- No, if you must know...

...I came by to give you
an ounce of satisfaction.

Julia found out about the whole hooker
thing, and was most displeased.

She slapped me, hard.

- Good for her.
- I also came by to give you this.

- What the fuck is this?
- I got paid for my episode. You need it.

I don't see you working,
when you are...

...you're working on sketches, playing
with models, that can't be very lucrative.

- What the fuck are you doing?
- You cannot buy my forgiveness.

I'm not trying to buy anything, least of all
forgiveness, haven't done anything wrong.

Could you leave, please?

But I don't feel like
we've settled anything.

- There is nothing to settle, Hank.
- Hank.

- I believe the lady asked you to leave.
- Oh, do not start with me, yoga man.

You are very rude, Hank.

- Oh, I'm rude? I'm rude?
- Very rude.

I'm onto your shtick.
I know what you do.

You prey on all these heartbroken,
horny Westside women.

This Westside woman
is not heartbroken.

I notice you didn't say "not horny,"
Karen. Know what they call that?

- That's a sin of omission.
- Let's go.

- Hey, don't get handsy with me, bro.
- You need to leave.

Fuck, that hurt.

Yeah.

That's right. That happened.

- Did you get in a fight?
- Shut up. Where's Levon?

Oh, he called in sick today.

- Where's Rath?
- He's eating in his office.

Is that normal?

Only when he's seriously pissed off.

- Has he given you notes yet?
- No, radio silence.

- Is that normal?
- Happens to me all the time.

Sometimes, he doesn't say anything
at all. And then rewrites every word.

Maybe he just doesn't like your writing.

No, no, no, he loves my writing.

Bullshit. He hates your writing.

He says that out loud.

That's really mean, Alonzo.

It's not me saying it.

- I don't hate your writing.
- I hate your writing.

Sit and spin, Terry. Sit and spin.

I like your writing, sweetie, when
you're not trying too hard to be cool.

Which is a lot.
Stop looking at me like that.

- Page one rewrite.
- Jesus, that bad?

I may not be happy with you right now
for a variety of damn good reasons...

...but I'm too much of a professional
to let that influence the read.

The writing's fine.

Little smart-alecky, like you're
trying too hard to be cool...

...like fucking Hugh over there.

That is the meanest thing
anybody's ever said to me.

But here's the real problem:
Just got off the phone with Julia.

She doesn't want the part. We don't have
time to recast. This is a thread-puller.

Without her, the whole story falls apart,
so cancel your plans...

...because we're staying in tonight.

Gang bang.

- Hi.
- What are you doing here?

Came here to try and
talk some sense into you, woman.

You just don't want to
rewrite your script.

You enjoying the view, pal?

Behave yourself, Lou.

It's not about not rewriting a script.

It's about me trying to prevent you
from not chasing your dreams.

I don't want you to look back
and have regrets.

Oh, I have regrets.
I have tons of regrets.

I'm trying to minimize those regrets
by not being around you...

...or Rick Rath or Hashtag Black.
You're all crazy.

I knew it was too good to be true. Nobody
does anything decent for a person...

...without wanting something in return,
especially a guy.

Hello, hello. What's all this?

Levon's dad.

So this is Levon's father.

Well, there hasn't been a test
or anything yet...

...but I am proceeding
as though I am, yes.

Dr. Daniel Allen, DDS.
You can call me Dr. Dan.

If I must.
Nice to meet you, Dental Dan. Hank.

Let me handle this, Julia.
Step into my office, Hank?

Well, I've been eager to meet you, Hank.

- You have?
- Yes, I have.

Why?

Well, because Julia means
a great deal to this office, Hank.

From what I gather, you are a serious
threat to her happiness and well-being...

...which is ultimately a serious threat
to my happiness and well-being.

You have designs on her, don't you?

I don't know what you're insinuating.

I'm insinuating that you're
one horny fucking dentist, Dr. Dan.

Well, I am quite fond of her,
if that's what you mean.

Of course.

She's quite fond-able.

All right.

You know, I didn't want to be an
astronaut when I grew up, Hank.

I didn't want to play for the Yankees.

Not me, I wanted to be a dentist...

...and I wanted to marry
a busty, blond hygienist.

Oh, my.

When Julia walked in my office
that very first time...

...I knew she was the one.

Is she aware of her role
in your manifest destiny?

Well, we haven't discussed it per se...

...but chemistry is quite palpable.

We are very good for one another,
we're a team.

Isn't that the very definition
of a great relationship, teamwork?

I thought it was laughter, hot sex,
and the occasional Dutch oven.

At least that's what my grandma said.

Yeah.

Look, don't...

Just please don't get her hopes up with
this acting hoo-ha, Hank, all right?

It's cruel.

Look, I'm glad we had this talk.

Oh, me too, Dr. Dan, me fucking too.

Hey, can you do me a favor?
Just stay away from the office, okay?

We're all about preserving smiles here,
you know, "miles of smiles."

That's my motto. You got it?

- Yeah, I got it.
- Okay.

- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you very much.

- You're welcome.
- My lunch today.

Krull?

Hey, how's it going, Churchill?

- What are you doing here?
- What's it look like I'm doing here?

Why aren't you on the road
with Atticus right now?

I've retired.

I drove Hank back to see his lady...

...and I found myself
not wanting to turn around...

...and go back on the road
with that fucking nutcase.

I've had enough, pal.

Been around the world
too many times, too many lunatics.

Hank inspired me
to look up the love of me own life.

Really? That's fantastic.

- How'd that work out for you?
- Not so great.

Turns out she's dead.

- Bummer.
- Yeah, how'd it work out for Hank?

Not so great, yeah.

I mean, she's alive and everything,
but wasn't so keen on rekindling.

It's a long story.

Oh, well.

Time to relax.

Time to work on me motorbikes
and me memoirs.

- I bet you've seen some shit, huh, Krull?
- Oh, I've seen some shit all right, mate.

The dirty life and times
of a rock 'n' roll butler.

Yeah? Who is it you've worked for?

- Well, Atticus, obviously.
- Obviously.

Let's see, now.

Bowie, Stones,
Bad Company, Hendrix...

...Paul McCartney, Ringo,
Fleetwood Mac, the E*agles.

Pistols, Mot?rhead, M?tley Cr?e,
Clapton, Sabbath, Ozzy.

Jesus, that's gonna be
some fucking memoir.

- It's a storied life.
- Have you written any of it down?

Yeah, all of it, stacks of pages.
I don't think I'm much of a writer, though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll be the judge of that.
Are there pages I could look at?

- Sure, I suppose.
- Cool, let's go.

What, now?

I'm bleeding working.

There's no time like the present, Krull.

- What are you doing?
- I don't know.

- Really needed a "me" day.
- You did, did you?

Yeah.

Shit's fucked up
around here right now.

Mom's pissed,
talking about moving to New York.

Thinks I've lost my morals.

She doesn't realize
I never really had any in the first place.

I gotta convince her to do this thing,
and when I say "I," I mean "we."

She doesn't want to do it.

She thinks show business
is all fucked up and corruptive and shit.

She's right.

Doesn't want me to work for the show.
She thinks you're a bad influence on me.

I am.

It's cool, though.

If she decides to pack it up and move
back home, I'll just move in with you.

- What?
- I'll move in with you, at Charlie's.

Or we'll get our own place.
How fucking cool would that be?

Here. Here.

That Dr. Dan is a real fucking creeper.

I hate that fucking guy.

He's always staring at mom's tits,
trying to be buddies with me.

I call him Dr. Dick.

Well played.

Mom gets mad.
She says I have to respect my elders.

- But that guy creeps me the fuck out.
- Yeah.

- We gotta do something.
- Yeah, we do, definitely.

Well, tomorrow's another day, right?

This is really cool,
smoking weed with you and shit.

- Get up, we gotta go.
- What?

Yeah, you got a toothache,
you gotta see the dentist.

I'm not going anywhere,
I'm high as fuck.

That's why you called in sick today.
Come on.

- I did?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- He's so sad without you, missus.
- I know, I know, Irma...

...but he let some C-list skank blow him.
What was I supposed to do?

Nada, he's just a man.

His pene grande
make him do stupid things.

You come back?

You put perfect?

Marcy, is that you?

Please tell me you're not a mirage.

- What's the deal with the hookers, Stu?
- You found out about that.

Yeah, you sent one of them to me
to get her snatch waxed. Hello.

Oh, yeah, that's right.
I did put in a good word for you.

I thought maybe you could use the biz.

Well, thanks for your concern
over my financial well-being...

...but why are you
banging hookers all of a sudden?

Well, I don't want to be in a relationship
with anyone, Marcy.

- You broke my heart.
- I broke...?

You broke my heart.
You cheated on me.

Two very rough and toothy blow jobs,
Marcy, not silky like yours.

The orgasms were painful.

It was like coming
into a broken beer bottle.

I don't want to get into this shit
with you, Stu.

- You know I have my needs.
- I know all about your needs.

You're fucking insatiable.

Yeah, well, you have got
to get the toxins out, Marcy...

...somehow, some way. It's the
only thing that'll clear a man's head.

And so no muss, no fuss.

You know, it's a very honest transaction,
and it is an incredible business.

I mean, they make so much money.

Yeah, well, you're doing TV now.

Guess it was a matter of time
before you got into prostitution.

Well, that is low, Marcy,
and it is completely unfounded.

When is the last time
you saw a good movie?

This was a bad idea.

Wait, wait, wait, okay.

Why have you come here?

Something must have
drawn you to me.

Okay, well, I had this crazy idea
that I was gonna ask you for a loan...

...but Charlie was right.
No fucking way.

No, no, I don't do loans, Marcy.

But I would pay you.

For what?

To have sex with me?

Yeah.

One million dollars
to be inside of you again.

I'm not a fucking prostitute, Stu.

I know, that's why you're
such a high-value target.

Okay, so you'd seriously
pay a million dollars to fuck me?

Yeah.

In a heartbeat.

And it would be the most
delicious orgasm of my life...

...and all of the money would go to my
favorite charity: You.

Jesus.

I don't know whether to be flattered
or throw the fuck up.

Or maybe you could let me
smell you for a few minutes.

- Okay.
- I could go pleasure myself.

How much could I pay you for that?

You are a sad
and desperate man, Stu.

I am.

I fucked up!

The palace is crumbling
without you, Marcy!

Marcy!

- Hello, Rhonda.
- Levon.

Honey, are you all right?

- I have a really bad toothache.
- Yeah.

Real bad.

Have either of you
been smoking marijuana?

No way.

Well, how come it smells like
a rock concert in here all of a sudden?

Oh, no. Listen, go brush your teeth.
Your mother's gonna be furious.

Honey, what's wrong?

It seems like an impacted molar situation,
but what do I know?

- Are you sure you have a toothache?
- Not really.

- Hank made me say it.
- Asshole.

- Have you been smoking pot?
- Yeah, I kind of needed a "me" day.

I understand.

Why are you so understanding
of his flaws, but not mine?

He's my son.
You're just an amoral prick.

Oh, I may be an unconventional parent,
and father does not always know best...

...but my heart is in the right place,
you know. I see a problem, I try to fix it.

Levon was a virgin,
that was bugging him.

He's no longer a virgin.
I remedied that shit.

But you, you're a bigger problem because
you're running away from your dream.

Why? Because you're scared.

- I'm not scared, no.
- You are scared.

Don't like what's happened
since you've come into our lives.

I don't want a job because
some guy wants to fuck me.

E*verybody wants to fuck you.
Get used to it. That's your lot in life.

"Oh, woe is me.
E*verybody wants to fuck me."

You think this place
is any different from TV?

Dr. Dan has designs on you too,
you know.

- No, what are you talking about?
- Yeah.

He wants to make you
his busty, blond bride.

- That's ridiculous.
- It's not ridiculous, Julia.

Dr. Dan. Not you too.

I'm afraid so, Julia, but you
can't pretend that you don't feel it.

Feel what, exactly?

What...?

- The flow of energy between us.
- I really love working for you.

Yes, but it's more than that.
It's the electricity that comes from...

...knowing you've found
your soul mate.

Oh, God, we never even
went on a date.

I wasn't prepared
for this to happen today, Julia...

...but it seems this moment
wants to be seized.

So here in front of my patients
and my staff...

...I vow to provide you
with the most wonderful life.

- Girl...
- Happy wife, happy life.

Dude, you are not proposing
to my mom now. This is not cool.

Mom, don't you dare say yes.

Julia, let me take care of you.
Let me ease your burden.

Being a single mother
has taken its toll on you...

...and it's robbed you of youth,
if not beauty.

I know Levon,
he presents a great many challenges...

...but I do believe in time I can learn
to love him as if he were my own.

He's already got someone
learning to do that: This guy.

I have a father.
He's not a fucking creeper.

Hey, watch your language, son.

I will not tolerate
that kind of talk in my home.

I don't blame you, though.

It's obvious you just need
a positive male role model.

- Oh, honey.
- Oh, yeah.

Levon!

You chubby, little fucking asshole.

Hey, don't talk to my son like...

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

My tooth.

You broke my fucking tooth.

- You're a goddamn animal.
- That's right, motherfucker.

- I still got it. I still got it.
- Way to go, Dad.

Look what I found.

Julia.
Have you had a change of heart?

- I'm in, I'm all in.
- Yeah.

Music to my ears.

- Gang bang averted, kids.
- Yes.

- I fucking love gang bangs.
- Thank God.

I had some notes on the script,
some thoughts about my character.

What kind of thoughts?

- Thank you, Hank. I really appreciate it.
- The least I could do.

And, well, maybe I was withholding
a little bit about the writing.

You did a good job.
You did a really good job.

- Not like Hugh?
- Not like Hugh.

Thank goodness.

- What?
- Don't forget what we talked about.

Yeah. Levon was a big help today.

I couldn't have done it without him...

...and we were wondering if he could
audition for a small part at some point.

- He'll just read for it.
- What do you think?

- Didn't you call in sick today?
- Well, he needed a "me" day.

And you fucked in my pool.

Yeah, I am really sorry about that.

It was kind of, like, a bucket list thing.

- Yeah, you can read for something.
- Awesome.

At some point, maybe.

- Say thank you.
- Thank you so much.

- Look him in the eye.
- You will not regret it.

Don't mention it.
All right, welcome back.

I'm confused if this was the same day
as that or a different time.

- The same day.
- Hey, Marcy, hey.

- You remember Krull, right?
- Hello, missus.

What the fuck is he doing here?

Why are you being so rude
to a guest in our home?

Because the last time
this guest was in our home...

...he asked me to give him suction.
- Okay.

Well, it wasn't exactly our home
at that time, if you recall.

And the last time I was here...

...Atticus was eating a chocolate bar
out your front bottom.

- Jesus.
- Well, he was, actually, Marcy.

Charlie, I need to speak
with you for a moment.

Won't you please excuse us?

Be right back, Krull. Just a second.

- We're having a business meeting there.
- I know.

- Wasn't a social hour.
- Listen, listen.

What if I told you...

...I know how we can get out from under
our current financial crisis?

I do too. Krull has a memoir.

He has the most incredible stories.
Marcy, he's been a rock 'n' roll butler.

- I can sell that shit. I know I can.
- For how much?

Probably not so much,
but for something, you know?

You know, something. E*nough to put us
back on the road to Wellville.

Okay.

What if I told you I know how
we could make a million dollars?

You've been talking to Stu.

How did you know?

Because he made me the same offer.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because it's disgusting, Marcy.

And crazy, and not at all how
human beings are supposed to behave.

That's bullshit, Charlie!

If a client gets an offer,
you bring it to them.

I'm not your fucking pimp, Marcy.

Okay, look, I was pissed
when he first told me about it, okay?

But when I was driving home,
I started to think about it.

I thought: "What is the big fucking deal?
I fucked that guy a thousand times."

You're not supposed to do it again.

- It's against human nature.
- Why?

What if you enjoy it?

Well...

...I probably will, to some extent...

...but I don't love him, Charlie.

I love you.

Okay? I don't think I ever loved Stu.

I liked being loved by him...

...and it felt good after all
the stupid shit we'd been through.

And if the guy wants to
stick it in me for a million bucks...

...and that million bucks keeps
us afloat for years to come...

...baby, what is the big fucking deal?

I guess when you put it like that...

- Okay, are you...?
- I am.

- Why?
- I don't know.

I guess it's all this talk
of illicit sex or something.

- Okay, come on, let's go.
- Where?

- To fucky town. Come on.
- This is too weird, Marcy.

We're talking about you
fucking another guy for money.

Ours is not to reason why, Charlie...

...ours is to take advantage of that
hard thing and fuck it.

- Come here.
- Okay, God.

Okay.

Oh, yeah. Not too fast.

Okay. Yes.

Baby.

No.

- This is so fucked up.
- Yeah.

- But it's kind of hot, though.
- I'll say.

Hey, come on.

Not in front of your mother.

All right, I'm going to bed.
I'm fucking baked.

- Good night, Mom.
- Good night, baby.

Good night, Dad.

- We're kissing now? Whatevs.
- Yeah.

Okay, love you, guys.

Love you, baby.

Look at him. He's so happy.

Why wouldn't he be happy?

His mom is happy,
Dr. Dick is out of the pic.

He's stoned.
Order has been restored to his universe.

Thanks for never taking no
for an answer.

It's what I do.

I should go.

Don't go.

Why not?

Well, you've ingested enough whiskey
and weed to stun a horse.

Oh, yeah. That is true, there's that.

You know, you were right.

I'm always right.

What was I right about?

I'm scared, but I'm not scared
about acting or not acting.

I'm scared about
having feelings for you again.

He's so happy having you in his life,
and seeing him happy makes me happy.

It just reminds me of a time
before everything got so fucking serious.

You're just as funny and cute
as you ever were.

I know. It's really unfair
to be this charming, isn't it?

I'm like a bioterrorist of love.

- Or not.
- Shut up.

Yeah, I'm gonna shut up.
I'm gonna shut up.

- You know what this calls for?
- What?

- Tickle fight.
- Oh, no. Not that, no.

- Yeah, oh, yeah.
- No, I'm too ticklish.

- Stop it.
- Your tits are too big.

I can't get to your armpits,
they're blocked.

Oh, my God.

Stop it.

That's so weird.

Didn't we say that was a bad idea
and that we shouldn't do that again?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, we did. All right, I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna take a cab.

I'm sorry, but I'm not
taking no for an answer.
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