Californication (2007–2014): Season 7, Episode 6 - Kickoff - full transcript

Previously on Californication:

- I got the part.
- Congrats.

Way to go.

You do realize that Rath might have
certain expectations now, right?

Are you saying he expects me to have
sex with him or give him a blow job?

So who recommended you?

- Stu Beggs.
- My ex.

He said you needed the work, that
your husband isn't much of an earner.

I waxed a hooker today.

She was young and cute
and totally down to fuck.

Really? Is this wrong?



I can't tell anymore.

Dude, you got me a fucking hooker?
Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

This is what I thought
having a father would be like.

The clit's on top, right?

Another happy customer.

You know how
you tell your mother everything?

- Are you gonna tell her about this?
- She would be totally pissed.

- Good to know.
- What about me?

I impulse-remarried a depraved lunatic
who can't even get it up for me.

I need a manager
who cares about me...

...as much as
about what me can do for him.

- I do, Goldie.
- Get me off this fucking show.

- Why?
- Rath humiliated me.

You're getting hard right now,
aren't you?



Why does this keep happening to me?

Sorry.

Killing bad guys is my business,
and business be fucking cracking.

When I'm killing crackheads,
know what I'm saying?

- Yeah.
- So don't y'all worry about the funny.

That's my job.
I bring the fucking funny.

Here's what's not my job.
Delivering all your expositional shit.

Save that yickity-yack for the guest stars,
all right? Now, Danko's cool.

He's cool. Only time that nigga
open his mouth, he got something to say.

And that shit better be worth saying,
all right?

None of that nonsensical cop jargon
y'all motherfuckers always be writing.

"Watch out." "Get down."

"Damn."

"Now, that's how you drive."

I can say a whole lot with a look.

Peep.

Yeah.

I don't know about you guys,
but I think I just shit my pants.

- That's not the shit-my-pants look.
- Oh, no?

This is the shit-my-pants look. Slo-mo.

That's dramatic.

- Y'all peep? Y'all feel that?
- Oh, yeah.

No, I feel it. It's like an electromagnetic
pulsing in my asshole area.

Yo, who's this cat?

Hashtag Black, allow me to introduce
our newest writer, Hank Moody.

Yo, Hank Moody, the raper.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yep. The one and the same.

- I'm a big fan of all your wrongdoings.
- Thank you.

You used to work side by side
with Samurai.

He was just "Sam" to me.
Calvin, actually.

He said you was cool.

Also said you like sticking your pee-pee
where it don't belong.

I like to think that doesn't define me
as a human being.

I also like to think that my pee-pee
belongs wherever it winds up.

Oh, yeah, you gonna be my guy,
Moody.

- You gonna be my set bitch.
- Oh, no.

- You cool with that?
- Absolutely. Whatever you want.

I'm not a big fan of the set, per se.
I find the hours quite punishing.

Has anybody given thought to maybe
starting later? Or shorter hours, perhaps?

- What the fuck is he going on about?
- Fuck if I know.

E*xcuse me, Hashtag,
I'd love to pitch you an idea...

Yo, pitches hurt my ears,
especially pitches from bitches.

No offense. Got the tendency
of using too many words.

Know what I mean? Why use one word
when you can use 10?

Yeah. That's funny.
Actually, I can be quite brief...

Goldie, the man doesn't wanna hear
your pitch right now.

Yo, peace, writer peoples.

- Let me walk you out.
- Love you.

- Hashtag.
- Love you.

Kickoff party tonight at my place.
Be there.

Behave yourselves, don't break anything,
and no fucking in my pool.

Terry.

Does anybody else wanna
be set bitch?

- No.
- Set bitches?

- Set bitch? Set bitch?
- No.

- Terry, I'll arm-wrestle you for it.
- No.

Holy TV money, Batman.

Yeah, look at that.
The house that utter mediocrity built.

It's inspiring, Hank.

I've never felt more determined
to sign TV-writer clients.

Do not shit where I eat, Charlie.
It's unsanitary.

Oh, greetings and salutations,
24-hour party people.

This is the guy I was telling you about,
the one who came in his pants.

- Nice to meet you. Charlie Runkle.
- Nice to meet you.

I'm Hank's manager
and heterosexual life mate.

Nice to meet you.
You must be the lovely Julia.

Number one
on the baby-mama call sheet.

- Levon says great things about you.
- Not really, like at all, ever.

So, Dad, we gonna see some big tits
and round asses up in here tonight?

I'm not afraid to pull your pants down...

...and spank your ass
in a room full of strangers.

- I know you're not. I'm sorry.
- Go inside and behave yourself.

- I'm gonna talk to your dad.
- Let's check out the talent.

You're not going in pitching a tent,
are you?

- Behave.
- Okay.

What's up?

Do you notice anything weird
about Levon?

How could you possibly tell?

He seems different.
More relaxed, confident.

- That's a bad thing?
- No, it's great. I just... I'm not used to it.

Well, maybe having a job has done
wonders for the young man's psyche.

Or maybe knowing his dad...

...who's actually proving to be something
of a positive role model.

I don't think that could be it, do you?

Wow, nice house.

Yeah. One day, all this could be yours.

Mrs. Julia Rath. Has a nice ring to it.

It was just one date.

Hope he wasn't too hands-y.

No, he was a perfect gentleman.
Actually, too perfect, you know?

Because sometimes you just want
a guy to like:

What? What?
You want a guy to what?

My schween is hanging on
your every word.

There's a potential erection
hanging in the balance here. What?

I haven't been to a party in so long,
I don't know what to do.

It's like riding a bike.
You just have a drink or 10...

...and hope you don't wake up
with a tattoo or a bloody asshole or both.

Shall we?

Get me a refill.

I like when you order me around.

I'm serious. I do.

Stu, Nikki, how's it hanging?

Hank, how are you?

- Hey, baby.
- How's the kid?

- He's still basking in the afterglow.
- You two guys know each other?

She relieved my son of his virginity.

World class, dude.

I wish my pops would've
popped my cherry like that.

Instead, he sat me down,
he gave me a copy of Playboy...

...and told me both men and women
had nipples.

Can we keep the whole
Levon-slash-hooker thing on the DL?

His mom's here
and she doesn't know about it.

Oh, I am nothing if not discreet.

Oh, now, that is true.

She is amazing.

She lets me do the kinkiest stuff to her,
and she never tells a soul.

- You are so cute.
- Wow, sounds like a keeper.

Yeah. And she looks like Marcy, right?

Yo, Moody.

- Hey, Hashtag.
- How you be, bro?

- I be good.
- Hashtag.

- Big Dick Beggs.
- Hey, Hashtag.

- They say he got a big dick, right?
- Yeah.

That's crazy. Yo, Stu,
I gotta talk to Moody over here.

Whatever.

- Let me get my drink.
- Moody, I gotta level with you, man.

Rath is fucking my shit up.

That's probably something
you should bring up with Rath.

Motherfucker's too stubborn to hear.

He's all about the drama.
I'm all about the funny.

He wants to do The Wire.

I'm trying to do 48 Hours
for a new generation, you hear me?

I need you to help me out
like you helped Samurai.

We can do a modern-day action-comedy.
E*mphasis on the comedy.

I'm not really in a position to do that,
Hashtag. And I'm not that funny.

Yeah, but you's fucking witty, right?

- And I'm fucking funny.
- You are fucking funny.

Together we can...
Damn. Who's that piece of ass?

That would be Julia. She's got a small
part on the show as a squad secretary.

- You're gonna be doing scenes with her.
- Oh, I'm doing scenes with her.

- I'm doing scenes with her up in here.
- She's also the mother of my son.

Oh, okay. You're not together?

No, not currently.

- So you ain't crushing that ass?
- Not at the present. Like, 20 years ago.

And even then, I wasn't
so much crushing it as admiring it.

- I don't like to be too rough with the ass.
- Oh, I like to destroy that shit.

I wanna murder that ass.

I understand what you're saying,
but your language is so aggressive.

You see, if you murder the ass,
then there's no ass left to enjoy.

See, that's where you're wrong.

You gotta murder that ass so no other
motherfucker can enjoy that ass, right?

- No.
- It's like a metaphorical murder.

- Yeah, you feel me?
- I do feel you.

- Cool. You see that?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna see if I can turn this bitch out.
Catch you later.

Think about my words.
Hashtag, words.

Thought about them.
Thought about them.

The fuck was that about?

It seems your number one...

...is warm for your number 16's form. And
he doesn't like the way you're writing him.

It's not enough that I have to fight with
this fucker over expository dialogue...

...now he feels entitled to my woman?

- She's your woman now?
- Come on.

Cut me some slack, all right?
I'm a little heated up.

- She say anything about me?
- Said you were the perfect gentleman.

- Good, good.
- Yeah.

- I'm trying. Usually I'm a fucking asshole.
- Yeah.

- Trying to take it easy with her.
- Right. But sometimes you gotta...

- What?
- Well, you know. Sometimes you gotta...

- Sometimes you gotta what?
- You know.

- Shit, here comes Shrek.
- That's my son you're talking about.

I'm sorry, all right? I'm all worked up.
I gotta head this shit off at the pass.

Guess what.

Wait. You were born a pauper to a pawn
on a Christmas day...

...when The New York Times said
"God is dead, and the war's begun."

Come on, I hate that. Nikki's here.

I know. She's with Stu Beggs.

- Can I borrow some money?
- Oh, so Levon does like his money.

- Why?
- I wanna bone her again.

She's with Stu.

She can't spare a few minutes
for business?

- Your mom is here.
- So? There's a ton of rooms.

- And it's very expensive.
- Okay, I'll pay you back.

- No, you won't.
- I'm really pissed at you right now.

I'm a little pissed at you.

That feeling is back,
like I gotta fuck something.

- Okay.
- I need a release.

Look, I understand. Just try to find a nice,
quiet bathroom and go beat off.

You'll feel better. Just clean up afterwards
and wash your hands.

Yeah, but now that I got my dick wet,
beating off just seems kind of lame.

Yes, I get that. But masturbation is still
gonna be a huge part of your life.

E*ven though you got laid, girls aren't just
gonna start hurling themselves at you.

I should've just stayed a virgin.
It would've been better not having...

...a glimpse of the promised land.
- Good talk.

Are you sure you should be drinking?

I'm not allergic to vodka, asshole.

Sorry. Who would know?

You know what I am allergic to?

- Semen.
- Oh, really?

Yeah, can't spit or swallow.
Totally burns the back of my throat.

One time I took one up top.
Fucking broke out in hives and blotches.

Blowing a load on me is like
throwing holy water on Linda Blair.

What up?

I'm so fucking pissed at Rath right now.

Oh, why?

He let Hashtag call me a bitch today.

- Doesn't really seem like Rath's style.
- Why would you take his side?

I'm not taking his side.

Goldie, cooler heads. Cooler heads.

First, he rewrites me, then he
humiliates me in front of Hashtag.

I mean, he's trying to send me
a message, Charlie. He's out to get me.

This is all part of his plan,
that slimy motherfucker...

...woman-hating dickhead...

Goldie.

- Rath. Hi.
- There she is.

- You good?
- Great.

I made sure they had
gluten-free shit for you.

- There you go.
- You're the best.

What a great home. Beautiful.

Work hard, you'll get there, right?

Hey, I hope you're not using my party
as an opportunity to poach clients.

Never.

As if anyone would ever wanna sign with
this fucking degenerate lunatic, right?

Have fun.

I can't tell you much, but I can tell you...

...that we're planning on putting you
in some seriously hot outfits.

Truth.

Shut the fuck up, Hugh. You're creeping
out the female lead of the show.

Don't worry about it. He has absolutely
no decision-making power.

And he loves cupcakes and Coldplay
and sticking pencils up his pooper.

Who doesn't love Coldplay?

- And you are?
- Hank Moody. Newbie writer.

Be gentle with me.

You're the one who wrote
the movie, right?

I am one of 19 people who wrote
the movie that never came out.

And you wrote Fucking & Punching?

I am only one of six people who wrote
that, which is why it's so damn good.

It is good. God, I love that movie.

Shucks. Thank you.

Can I be honest with you?

- Lf you must.
- I don't like the way...

...Rath's writing my character.

You should probably
bring that up with Rath, then.

I did, and he blew me off.

- Can we talk about it for a minute?
- You mean, like right now?

I'll make it worth your while.

Hey.

Hey there, Runkle. How you doing?

- How's married life?
- It's, you know, ups and downs, Stu.

Checks and bal...
All good in the proverbial hood, yeah.

Wait, wait. You know, there's something
I've been meaning to talk to you about.

Oh, yeah? What's that, Stu?

I wanna sleep with Marcy again.

Stu...

...what is wrong with you?

I don't know.

I mean, my career is on fire.

This television thing
has me shitting cash.

But without a queen,
my castle is a-crumbling.

Look, look, look,
I know you won her fair and square...

...but I can't stop thinking
about that magnificent creature.

You gotta move on, Stu,
because we are married, okay? Again.

I know that. I respect that.

You know, Marcy may very well
be your soul mate...

...but that woman was born
to be my sex partner.

And I just miss her so much.

So much.

Like, this last time
she let me go down on her...

...and I wasn't able to get my helmet
into that silky pond of hers.

You know, she's so fucking tight,
Charlie.

I mean, she makes me feel huge.

- And I'm already huge.
- I'm well aware, Stu.

Now, when was this
that she let you go down on her again?

It was way before you two
were remarried, of course.

It was a sunny day in Venice.

Tuesday.

Quite possibly my last happy day.

Oh, God, you guys must be boning
every chance you can.

You're fucking newlyweds.

What is the point
of this conversation, Stu?

You miss fucking Marcy.
Okay, I get it. So what?

Runkle...

...I have a proposal for you.

And, yes, it is quite indecent.

With your permission,
and hers, of course...

...I am willing to pay you guys
a cool 1 million...

...if you will let me sleep with her again.

Just the once.

Or as many times
as we can fit into a night.

Think about it.

- You totally made this worth my while.
- I told you I would.

Your notes are fucking bullshit,
but your weed is superb.

- You're funny.
- I am funny.

I mean, not like comedian funny,
but I'm witty.

I guess that's my thing.

Witty is good. You know,
nobody's really witty anymore.

That's right. Like Woody Allen
or Pauly Shore. It's a lost art, really.

So, what brings a real writer
to Santa Monica Cop?

It was time to grow the fuck up.
I needed a job.

Look at you, all growed up.

What is a serious actress doing
on Santa Monica Cop?

I needed a job too,
but I'm not so keen on growing up.

E*xcuse me.

I need to make a confession.

You're thinking impure thoughts
right now. That's totally understandable.

No.

- I hate this show.
- That's also totally understandable.

I had the option of taking this show
or some class-up-the-ass BBC thing...

...and my agent talked me
into taking this one.

- That's a bummer.
- Yeah. A big bummer.

Can you do me a favor?

Can you please talk to Rath,
see if maybe he can kill me off?

I promise I'll make it worth your while.

My head is spinning
with the possibilities.

As it should. But in the meantime,
I have another little confession.

You have three tits and a dick.

Almost.

One of my very best friends in
the whole wide world is Sasha Bingham.

- I know Sasha Bingham.
- I know you know Sasha Bingham.

Sasha Bingham
is the star of Fucking & Punching.

- She was, indeed.
- We had some good times.

E*xcept for the time when I accidentally
fucked her mom. That was unfortunate.

She told me about that.

She also said
you give really great head.

- She did? That is so sweet of her.
- I know. She's sweet.

That is just a very nice thing to say
about a person.

- Will you give her my best?
- Absolutely.

Speaking of which,
what do you think defines great head?

Oh, well, I guess you'd have to ask
the head-getter.

Well, I mean, I've had good head,
but I don't know what makes it great.

I think you have to treat the bagina
like a person.

And how do you treat a person?

Like you yourself
would wanna be treated.

I understand what you're saying.
It just sounds so intellectual.

After all, isn't it important for a writer
to show and not to tell?

Oh, my.

Oh, dear.

You do make a valid point.

Permission to come aboard?

Permission granted.

You're a very pleasant actress,
very agreeable.

I can do better.

- Oh, hello.
- Hi.

- Hello.
- Sorry.

Hi. No, no. Hello.

- Hi.
- Amy Taylor Walsh.

It is lovely to meet you.
We're gonna be working together.

- Nice to meet you. I'm a huge fan.
- Great.

Me too. I'm a huge fan.

Yeah...

Sorry about that.

It's none of my beeswax.

What's going on?

Hashtag asked me
to go for a ride in his Bentley.

- That's probably not a good idea.
- Like going down on the female lead?

Much like that. You should keep
the flirtation with Hashtag to a minimum.

I'm not flirting with him.
He's just funny.

He is fucking funny,
and Rath is fucking jealous.

God, so much fuss over an actress
who hasn't worked in 20 years. It's so fun.

What can I say?
You get the boys all hot and bothered.

It's not like I'm some commodity.

I'm not interested in Rath
or Hashtag or anyone.

I'm just really happy
to have an acting job.

I don't wanna complicate my life.
Like when we kissed, I learned from that.

That's right, we kissed.
I totally forgot about that.

- You forgot that we kissed?
- Just a figure of speech.

Of course I remember.
And it was very nice.

It was nice. It was a familiar surprise.

It was a perfect storm
of booze and nitrous.

I was very vulnerable in that chair.
You took advantage of me.

You manipulated me
with all these bullshit compliments...

...about what a great mother I am.

You are a great mother.
You're a fantastic mother.

Don't do that.

- Mother Teresa's got nothing on you.
- That's mean.

You're probably a better kisser
than she ever was.

But who knows, maybe she had a rocking
bod underneath that saintly frock.

- Let me know when you wanna kiss.
- You just went down on a girl.

What if I brushed my teeth?
That's gotta be a bit of a turn-on.

Me offering to brush my teeth?

- Why did you go down on her?
- It's a long story.

But she heard I gave good head.
That's, you know...

You do give good head.
I mean, I don't know.

I don't even remember.
It was so long ago.

Oh, fuck.

- What?
- I think I'm hard.

Is that from before or from us?

Who can tell? I can't differentiate.
I mean, I don't know that I'd want to.

But I think there's only one way
to defuse this situation.

How?

Get that pussy mouth away from me.

No, no.

What the fuck?

Told you this fucker like to stick
his pecker where it don't belong.

Hey, I decide whose pecker goes
in here and whose doesn't, okay?

And you're a very charming
and funny guy...

...but I'm a single mom, and not easily
wooed. E*ven with a Bentley.

I got a Ferrari.

Rick, I really enjoyed our date.
I'm grateful to you...

...for giving me an acting job and making
my childhood dreams come true.

But if the job comes with strings attached,
then I cannot and will not do it.

No, no. No strings attached.
The job is yours, Julia.

I'll think about it.

What you waiting for, Rath?
Fire his fucking ass.

You don't tell me who to hire
or who to fire.

- It's my fucking show.
- My character is the fucking show.

- Who says it's your fucking character?
- Nice.

What the fuck are you doing?
You know I like her.

I know it looked like funny business...

...but it was just a tickle fight.
I swear to God. Honestly.

You are not gonna like this.

There's fucking in the pool.

Motherfuckers.

Motherfuckers.

Nine fucking bathrooms
in the fucking house...

...and the asshole's gotta screw
in my pool, huh?

Hey. Leon.

I was very clear. No fucking in my pool.

Levon, what are you doing?

Nikki, I'm paying you very good money
to be my date tonight.

No, I know, Stu. I'm really sorry.
I just wanted to make a little extra cash.

And honestly,
he said that Hank would take care of it.

So really, this is all on you.

Told you I wasn't
gonna lend you money.

I know, but then my head
got all cloudy.

This is how young people
get in trouble with credit cards.

She's a hooker? You're a hooker?

Yeah, pretty much.

But on the upside, I get tested,
like, all the time, so we're good.

This is so upsetting.
You lost your virginity to a hooker.

- Not just. I mean...
- Hey, now.

I'm... Don't be upset, Mom.
I mean, she's really cool.

She's the coolest. I think I'm in love.

- You're in love with a hooker?
- No, actually, this is pretty common.

- Guys fall in love with me all the time.
- We never should've moved to L.A.

Did you use a condom, honey?

- Yes.
- Good.

I'm sorry. Hank was just trying
to help me out. I should've left it alone.

I should've been content
having sex with her once.

- But I had to fly too close to the sun.
- This isn't the first time?

Here we go.

I'm sorry, I can't lie to my moms.
Don't blame Hank.

He thought he was doing the right thing.
And he was. I've never felt better.

I feel like a great weight
has been lifted.

I'm glad Dad got me a hooker.

You got him a hooker?

The way in which you ask that makes me
think you don't think it's a very good idea.

Yes, okay. Not a very good idea at all.

I'm sorry, Julia.
I thought I was doing a good thing.

Don't worry, Dad.
I'll smooth it out for you. I promise.

- You happy now, Rath?
- Okay, not now, Goldie, not now.

- This is the fucking ship that you run.
- Yes, this is the ship I run. Look at me.

- I'm captain of the HMS Fucktard.
- That's why I'm gonna take it from you.

- You don't deserve it.
- Be my guest.

Knock yourself out
steering this ship of fools.

- I will. You tell him, Charlie. Tell him.
- Tell him what?

Tell him he's disrespected me
for the last time.

Okay. Rath, I think what Goldie
means to say is...

- Shut the fuck up now.
- Shutting the fuck up now.

You fucking pussy.

- What?
- Does your suit come with tampons?

Does that suit come with tampons?
See, that's funny, right?

If it's funny, I laugh.
You are actually fucking funny.

- Am I actually fucking funny?
- Yeah.

Fuck you, Hashtag.

- What is wrong with you?
- Think you can get away...

...with calling me a bitch?
- I didn't.

I have respect for all womankind.
I said, "I don't take pitches from bitches.

Y'all use too many words." That's it.

Oh, that's a lot better. Tell him he
can't talk to me like that. Represent.

Actually,
I agree with everything he says.

My own wife, Marcy,
when she talks at me...

...the sheer volume of words,
it makes my ears bleed.

This bald motherfucker
knows of which he speaks.

Thank you very much.
Oh, one of those too. I like that.

- E*xcuse me.
- What?

You're fucking fired.

And you're fucking bat-shit crazy,
Goldie.

Hey. Be nice to my agent.

Rath, where the fuck
you find these writers?

You just pull outside of a Home Depot
and say, "Hop the fuck in"?

These are some seriously
tweaked motherfuckers.

- Shit.
- Jesus.

Riddle me this, Runks.

How can I be in the doghouse
with a woman I'm not even dating?

And why do I care so fucking much?

- Do you think you still have a job?
- I don't know.

Do you think Goldie still has a job?

My guess would be "fuck, no."

What's wrong, pickle lips?

I'm broke, Hank.

You mean like "broke" broke?

Like totally and utterly broke.

Like "I don't know how I'm gonna pay
the rent next month" broke.

Like... Like...

Like the kind of broke that forces a man
to do something desperate.

I'm not gonna give you 20 percent.

My next paycheck has to go to supporting
my son's new hooker habit.

We're so fucking fucked.

Yes, we are fucking fucked,
but we've been fucked before.

In the ass, legs pinned behind our ears,
not a drop of lube.

But we always come out smiling.
You know why?

Because that's just the kind of
happy-go-lucky sluts we are, my man.
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