Californication (2007–2014): Season 7, Episode 5 - Getting the Poison Out - full transcript

Previously on Californication:

Whoa, you have
a surprisingly big dick.

Oh, but that doesn't make me
want to be with you, Levon.

I'm not saying what he did is right.

But I get where
he's coming from, you know?

He's a guy. He just wants to get laid.
It's totally normal.

You have another family.

The bottom has just officially
dropped out of our relationship.

Have you given any thought
to taking on a manager?

I could see us working together.

Help me get the show out
from under Rath, and I'm yours.



There is nothing limp-dick
about you, Charlie.

I mean, she's so beautiful.

Is it cool if I pursue her?
You're not looking to rekindle?

- No, no, not at all.
- Why not?

- This is a terrible idea.
- It's a terrible idea.

Hey, you rang?

- Yeah, how's that outline going?
- Not great.

It's kind of like
having an impacted bowel...

...and you're forced to stick your
finger up your ass...

...and pry the shit out one dry, flaky chunk
at a time, except with words.

- Thank you for that.
- You're welcome.

Didn't know you played.

- Just enough to know how much I suck.
- Copy that, motherfucker.

I am going out on a date
with Julia tonight.



Oh, the real reason
you summoned me.

Maybe. You okay with that?

If the lady's cool with it, I'm cool with it.

The kid? Think he'll be cool with it?

- I thought you didn't care.
- You wanted to see me, Mr. Rath, sir?

Yeah, hey, come in, come in.
Have a seat.

- How you doing, buddy?
- Couldn't be better.

- Good.
- Want some chocolate?

No, thank you.

Listen, I wanted you to know that
I'm taking your mom out tonight.

- Hank supports it.
- Yeah, I know all about it.

- What, she told you?
- Yeah, we tell each other everything.

- E*verything?
- Pretty much, yeah.

One time my Aunt Jesse
stayed with us for a few days.

It was around the time
I started jerking off.

She leaves a pair of panties behind.
I'd sniff them while I hit it.

Really enhanced
the orgasm, you know?

Then I started to feel weird
and guilty about it.

So I told my mom.
She was so fucking cool about it.

She was pretty hot for an aunt,
though, Aunt Jesse.

- Maybe I should rethink this thing.
- Oh, no, no, don't.

Look, my mom's a great lady.
She deserves to have fun with men.

Gross. Just be cool, okay?

Anyone can be a dick. Be a gentleman.
Think about it like I was dating your mom.

I don't want to think about like that.

My mom is dead.

Oh, my God, I am so sorry.
I had no idea.

- Was she hot?
- Holy shit.

Hey, you know, the good news here
is I'm totally free to hang tonight.

What do you want to do?

So who recommended you?

Mommy, why are you hurting
that lady's "bagina"?

Stuart, I told you to stay
in your room. Mommy's working.

It's okay, honey.
She's not hurting it.

I mean, it hurts a little bit.

Actually, it hurts a lot.
But she's just taking the hair off.

- He doesn't need to...
- Why are you taking the hair off?

- Stuart...
- Because boys like the way it looks.

Honey, I need you to
go back to your room now.

I don't like it.
It looks like a big pink walnut.

All right, then, run along now.

He is so cute.

Yes, he is a little dolly.

Just like his dad. It's weird.

Okay, so who recommended you?

- Stu Beggs.
- Oh, okay, my ex.

Yeah, he said that
you probably needed the work.

He said that your husband
isn't much of an earner, so...

I'm sure he did. And no, he is not.

He talks about you a lot, actually.

I think that he's still in love with you.

Well, actually, he has said that
out loud, like, a lot.

Wait, so how do you guys
know each other?

- He's a client.
- Oh, okay.

So, what are you,
like, a publicist or something?

- More like...
- A hooker?

- Yeah, pretty much.
- Yeah, that's real neat.

- Sorry.
- No, it's fine. No judgment.

So, Stu's big into
prostitutes these days.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah, he must be nursing
a broken heart or something...

...because he drops a lot of cash
on 'tutes.

I like to think that I'm his favorite,
but he's not really very picky.

I'll tell you what, though.
He calls me Marcy when we bone.

Good to know.

Cheers.

Shit. Jesus Christ, that tastes awful.

- Drink up. It'll put hair on your balls.
- I've got too much hair on my balls.

You see this fucking mop?
Now picture my balls.

This is a house where the carpet
definitely matches the drapes.

That's not how you use that phrase.

- It's not?
- No.

You've really never
had a serious girlfriend?

Well, not really.

I mean, I've had my fair share
of texting relationships.

But they always end with me saying
something really inappropriate...

...and then the girl goes silent...

...and then I end up texting her more
and her parents call my mom...

...I get a talking-to about cyberbullying.
It's a real fucking bummer.

Yeah, you need to start dealing with
some real live women, one-on-one.

That's fucking scary.

Yeah, but still...

- Here's your shot.
- You sure?

Go forth.

Hi. Hi, pretty lady.

Do you want to have
a drink with me and my dad?

We recently started
a relationship with each other.

Hey, I know you.

- Dude, did you bang her?
- Shut up.

Really? Where from?

- I was your student.
- Oh, yeah.

- I took your writing class.
- That's right. I taught for a while.

I totally forgot about that. How was I?

Honestly, I've had better.

Honestly, I've been better.
That was a dark time.

But allow me to make it up to you...

...by introducing you to a
promising young actor on the rise...

...Levon.
- Cool. What have you been in?

Not much of anything, really.

I mean, sometimes I film myself
doing famous movie monologues...

...and I put them on YouTube.
I figure someone will...

Oh, he's being modest.

He's working on a new show
called Santa Monica Cop.

I'm just a PA, really.
I get lunches and shit.

Cool. Hey, you were
sleeping with that girl...

...who turned out
to be a stripper, right?

What? That is silly. Teachers sleeping
with students. That's not cool.

No, it was a really big deal.

Didn't you fuck that TA too?

And the dean's wife?

You were famous that semester.
You fucked them all.

Hey, could I get a picture with you?

My friend is gonna lose her shit.
Would you mind?

Thanks, Dad.

One, two, three.

Goldie?

You in there?

What fucking took you
so long, Runkle?

I came as soon as you called.
Are you okay?

Have you been drinking?

Obviously.

- Maybe this is a mistake.
- What? What?

Why? Why?
What are you talking about?

I need a manager
who cares about me...

...as much as about
what me can do for him.

I do, Goldie, very much so.

What can I do for you?
How can I help?

Get me off this fucking show.

- Why?
- Rath humiliated me.

What did he do? Did he hit on you?

No, he would never do that.

I'm sure he thinks
I'm an unfuckable monster.

Oh, I don't think that's true at all.

Thank you, Charlie.

You make me feel really sexy.

Oh, I didn't mean to do that, exactly.

But good, I guess.

So, what did Rath do?

He fucking rewrote my script.

Well, isn't that, you know,
par for the course in television?

E*very single fucking line?

You mean to tell me
I didn't write one usable word?

Not even a fucking preposition or two.

Okay, okay, okay. So, what
would you like me to do, Goldie?

- Would you want me to?
- Have him killed.

Have him killed.

Okay.

What do you say we put a
pin in that one for now, just for now...

...and we look at that as a...

...you know, last-resort situation?

You know, the very least
you could fucking do...

...is call him and rip him
a new asshole...

...so that he knows I can't be treated
like some girl from the street.

I'm a world-class writer and producer...

...and I'm gonna have
my own show one day...

...if that means giving up every ounce
of personal happiness to get it.

I will talk to him.

- Promise?
- I promise.

Will you drive me home?

- Sure thing, Goldie.
- Okay.

- Let's go.
- One more drink.

He's a little monster.

- I'm gonna get you.
- I'm gonna get you!

Oh, my God. This is the
best play date Stuart's ever had.

They do have chemistry, that's for sure.

- He seems like a good kid.
- He is, he is.

- I just wish I could get him laid.
- Can you get me laid?

Maybe we can kill
two pervs with one stone.

You deflower him. It's a win-win.

Listen, I'm horny as fuck these days...

...but I don't think that kid will last
long enough for Mommy to get hers.

Maybe he needs professional help.

- What, like a therapist?
- Yeah, or a...

- Like a hooker?
- Yeah.

Hank, I waxed a hooker today.

She was young, cute,
and totally down to fuck.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Probably spendy.
- It's only money, right?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

That kid would love you forever
if you bust his hymen like that.

Chick was fucking bananas hot.

This sounds too good to be true.
Let's hold on a second.

Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is this wrong? I can't tell anymore.

- I can't fucking tell anymore.
- Me, neither.

- Let me see if she's available.
- Good idea.

- Hello, again.
- Hi.

Thanks for the rip this morning.
My pussy looks fantastic.

It really does. I mean, great job.
You could eat off the fucking thing.

- Thank you, and you are?
- Jim. Nice to meet you, sweetie.

- Nice to meet you too.
- Is this him?

No. No, sorry.

Hey, you're not supposed to get
excited about the fucking johns.

- Sorry, he's a really good-Iooking guy.
- You must be the pimp.

What is this, like a fucking
Blaxploitation movie?

I mean, we don't really use
that terminology anymore.

Yeah, I'm more like her manager,
the guy you hand the money to...

...like right now.
- Oh, yeah. Sure, sure, sure.

So how does it work? What's the split?
My guy gets 15 percent...

...and his pimp hand is not strong at all.

Are you the Better Business Bureau?

Don't worry about it.
Where's this dude she's gonna fuck?

- Hey, guys.
- Karen, hello.

- Hi!
- Karen! Hey, hey, hey.

Why don't you get your guests a drink?

- Yes, I'm gonna do it.
- Hi, what are you doing here?

- Well, you've been ducking my calls.
- I know, I know.

Okay, so, I want to
talk to you about Becca.

- I know, that's why I'm ducking you.
- Well, why?

When are you gonna
tell her about Levon?

- When is she back?
- In a few weeks.

- In a few weeks, then.
- Well, Hank...

...she wants to know why
you're ducking her calls too.

I'm not gonna talk to her
on the phone about this shit.

And in fact, when I do it, I think
we should do it together, you and I.

- No. You see...
- Yeah.

- No, no, no. I knew...
- What?

I am not gonna get involved
in your dysfunctional shit, okay?

- What...? What are you...? What is this?
- What do you mean?

What do you mean? Marcy invited
some of her waxing clients over.

- Isn't that right, Marcy?
- Yeah.

I'm having a client over for a drink.

Okay, well, how come she's
here so late and dressed so slutty?

- Maybe she's gonna get a facial.
- Right. Really?

Does she always travel with sex toys?

You know, some people are not
so averse to rubberized help.

That's true.

Yay, mission accomplished.

Little Stuart is officially asleep.
We read books, played the tickle game.

- He loves the tickle game.
- I know.

I taught him how to
Dutch oven. He loved it.

Kid loves farts. Oh, you did good.

- Thanks.
- Is this him?

- Who's him? Who am I? Who are you?
- You know what?

Let's get this fucking party started.
We got another appointment later.

Kid, you gotta wear a rubber.

Okay? Anything off the menu
has to be approved by me.

I mean, she's pretty open,
as you can see.

But scat play,
definitely out of the question.

Oh, my God.

- You got him a hooker.
- Karen, that is ridiculous.

Marcy was kind enough to
set Levon up with one of her clients.

- One of your clients? Oh, really?
- I'm setting him up with her.

Look what a cute couple they'd make.

- Adorable.
- Marcy, is your client a hooker?

Who knows what she does for a living?
That's personal.

Shut up. Is your client a hooker?

- Maybe.
- Marcy.

Hey, I am happy to help you
try to bust your weirdo kid's cherry...

...but I will not lie to my best friend.

Oh, my God.
This is so fucking depraved.

No, it's not.
I'm performing a service here.

This kid's...
He needs to clear this hurdle.

He's wired and pent-up.
Gotta get the poison out.

- That's what Stu always says.
- It's true.

Once you get that shit out,
you can think clearly again.

You got me a fucking hooker?

- Maybe.
- Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

This is exactly what I thought
having a father would be like.

Oh, no. Oh, no. I'm sorry. No.

No, no, no. I know this is, like,
absolutely nothing to do with me...

...but I feel that someone here...

...should be representing
your mom's interest.

- Why? That's fucking weird.
- No, no, no.

Because she would not want you
to lose your virginity like this.

Oh, my God, you told her I'm a virgin?

- No.
- That's embarrassing, dude.

No offense, but you don't present
as a guy who's knee-deep in pussy.

Yet it's all I ever think about.

Okay, so the first time,
it should be special, right?

And it should be someone
you care about, someone you love...

...you like, at least, like. Right?
- I completely agree...

...and I could easily see myself
falling in love with her.

I totally like her now.
See what she's wearing?

I do, yeah. But it's not something
that you would want to pay for.

I'm not paying.
I haven't even got a paycheck yet.

There's forms I'm supposed to fill out.

Actually, can you
help me out with that?

Money's taken care of.
That's no problem.

- I fucking love you, Dad.
- I fucking love you too, buddy.

No, no, no. Stop it, stop it.

Look, Levon, Levon, I know this is very
confusing for you. I get that. L...

Okay, take a moment.
Just take a moment. Just:

Just, yeah, breathe.

Yeah, okay.

Now think about your mother.

Gross. That's the last thing
I want to think about.

No, about what she would say.

Creepy Cosby family,
we gonna do this? It's up to you.

But there's no fucking refunds here.

If you want credit,
it's a 25 percent restocking fee.

- That's fucking steep, bro.
- It's a seller's market, dude.

- Hold on. Karen.
- Yes?

- Yes?
- Do you want to fuck me?

- No.
- Oh, my God.

- What is wrong with you? Did you...?
- I didn't raise him.

The only person willing to fuck me
is the one getting paid.

I think I'm okay with that.

You know, in fact,
I'm more than okay with that.

I'm super fucking psyched.

- I'm doing this.
- Okay.

- Hey, Dad?
- Yeah?

The clit's on top, right?

Last I checked, yeah.

Okay.

There you go, you lean there.

I'll get the door.

Good job.

Okay.

Here we go.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm driving you home.

Oh, no.

No, not in your car.

In my car. How am I
supposed to get to work tomorrow?

Well, how am I
gonna get home tonight?

I don't give a fuck.

That's your problem.

You can take a fucking rickshaw,
for all I care.

No, you take me home.

You walk me in.
You make sure that I am safe.

And then you need to position me
so that I don't choke on my own vomit.

Okay, okay.
If that's what you need, sure.

Hold on, that's not a good idea...

...because then you're gonna
get in my house.

You'll want to take advantage
of me in my inebriated state.

I would never do something like that.

I'm not hot enough
to take advantage of?

No, no, you're plenty hot, Goldie.

You're crazy hot.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

Thank you for taking care
of me tonight...

You know what?
That's just what I do, okay?

That's a full-service management,
all right? Curb to curb.

You know...

...if someone would've told me...

...that I was gonna
be represented one day...

...by the masturbating agent...

...I would've just shit my panties.

Will wonders never cease?

Can I ask you something?

What made you want
to throw it all away...

...for a couple of random
jerk-off sessions?

I guess it's just
the very same thing...

...that makes me
such a great representative.

I'm ready to burn it all down
at a moment's notice.

Oh, "burn it all down." I like that.

"Burn it all down." I'm gonna get that
in a tattoo on my bikini line.

- We should get tattoos. Let's go.
- No, no.

You never get a tattoo
under the influence.

That's how you wind up
with a butterfly tramp stamp.

- You're funny.
- Okay, yeah.

- You're funny. Really funny.
- Okay. Give me a hug.

You know, I could
feel you getting hard...

...last week when we were hugging.

I'm sorry about that.

You're getting hard right now,
aren't you?

Why does this
keep happening to me?

Oh, shit. I don't feel so good.

Okay...

- It's okay.
- Okay.

Sorry.

I think I'm allergic to sulfites.

So sorry. It's all over your crotch.

My first time wasn't special at all.

Dude kissed me a couple of times...

...paid zero attention to my tits...

...licked me twice, stuck it in once...

...panicked, pulled out,
and shot a load all over my thigh.

It was fun stuff.

Well, at least it got you
prepared for Papa Runks.

What was your
first time like, pretty lady?

Shut up.

You looking to make any extra money?
I could turn you out, no problem.

You're a feisty one, I like that.

Nice.

Karen.

- Karen, I'm sorry about that.
- You know, I don't know what's worse.

What's going on here tonight,
which is absolutely disgusting...

...or that I don't know
who you are anymore.

That's not fair. If we had a son...

...we'd most probably be having
the same conversation...

...and I would probably feel
exactly the same way.

If we had a son, I would never, ever
let you do something like this.

Karen, it's just sex.
What's the big deal?

But it's not just sex.
That's the whole point.

You're teaching him
to degrade and objectify women...

...that they exist solely
to satisfy his urges...

...when you could, in fact,
be teaching him...

...that the best kind of sex
comes from making a connection.

I agree with you.

I do. It's just, there are all
different types of sex to be had.

And who says he has to make sweet love
his very first time out the gate?

- Hi. Hank, is it?
- Yeah.

Could you come in here for a second?

Hey, it's more for
a threesome. Just saying.

- What's up?
- I think your boy's a little nervous.

- It's totally understandable.
- I asked him to unwrap my dress...

...and then he almost passed out.

I'm dizzy, Hank.
I'm shaking like a leaf, man.

Is it possible I'm having
a heart attack? Here, feel.

Maybe there's a medical condition
or something I don't know about.

- Maybe I should go see a doctor.
- Maybe we made a mistake here.

Maybe Karen's right. Maybe this isn't
the way it's supposed to go down.

Maybe I'm supposed to
meet a nice girl...

...and somehow sweet-talk her
into letting me foul her.

You don't have to go through with this,
you know, not at all.

- You wouldn't be disappointed in me?
- No way. Never.

God, I'm so fucking lame,
and you're such a fucking baller.

You are not lame in the slightest.

You're a bright, interesting kid
and got a shitload of love in your heart.

- I do.
- You've made the past few weeks...

...of my life very interesting.
I'm happy to know you.

- Thanks, Dad.
- All right.

Oh, guys.

This is maybe one of the sweetest
fucking things I've ever seen.

But I have another appointment.
If we're not doing this...

...then I'm gonna grab my double-sided
dildo and I'm just gonna go.

What do you think?

- What do you think?
- What do you think?

- I don't know.
- Here's what I think.

That's what she thinks.

So, what's it gonna be?

Get the fuck out of here, okay?

Gone.

Oh, if you find yourself
getting too excited...

...think about your grandfather
emptying his colostomy bag.

Works like a charm. Trust.

Hey.

What's going on?

Well, Levon is losing
his virginity to a hooker...

...in the guest room right now.

Good for him.

Good for him.

- Who are you?
- He's the pimp.

Jesus Christ.

I handle the fucking money,
and I keep her safe from creeps.

Don't be such a condescending prick.

- He's the pimp.
- Did you piss your pants or something?

Done deal.

Another happy customer.

Kid's got a sick fucking hog
on him, by the way.

Hey, you're not supposed to
get excited about their cocks.

Well, what? Some of them are better
and nicer than others. That's a fact.

I had such a fun time, sweetie.

Call me anytime. Tweet me, whatever.

- I will, definitely.
- You definitely will not.

- That shit's expensive.
- Well, we offer a frequent flyer discount.

Peace out, weirdoes.

- Bye, you honey.
- Bye, Marcy. Thank you.

Take me to bed, Runks.
I haven't been laid in so long...

...I'm starting to feel
like a born-again virgin.

I'm not feeling very amorous, Marcy.

My new client puked
into my crotch tonight.

- Yeah, I can smell it.
- Have a seat, Harpo.

Oh, man.

- How you feeling?
- Amazing. Amazing.

It's like my head is so fucking clear
right now, you know?

I feel like I understand the relationship
between shit in the universe a lot better.

I feel like I could solve
the world's bigger problems.

- You got the poison out.
- Yes, exactly.

- Yeah.
- How long is this feeling going to last?

- About six or seven minutes.
- Shit.

Better enjoy it, then.

Oh, hey, that thing with my Grandpa
and the colostomy bag totally worked.

How'd you know he had a bag?

- What?
- You said you tell your mother everything.

- Are you gonna tell her about this?
- No.

No fucking way. Karen was right.
She would be totally pissed...

...and think it was all fucking gross
and misogynistic and shit.

- Okay, that's good to know.
- Yeah.

- Hey, Dad?
- Yeah?

Thanks again. This was truly
an epic fucking night in my life...

...and I will never ever forget...
- You're welcome, you're welcome.

It's a wet one.

You'd better get me
a kick-ass Father's Day gift.

You know I will. In fact, I'm gonna
book you some time with Nikki.

She did this thing with her vagina.
It was talking to my dick.

That's too much.

Smell my fingers.

- Go to bed.
- Okay.
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