Californication (2007–2014): Season 7, Episode 4 - Dicks - full transcript

Previously on Californication:

I fucking love teeth. They fascinate me.

When Levon came along,
he derailed the whole acting thing.

- Yeah.
- I became a dental hygienist.

Oh, so you're my manager now.

Think about getting some other clients.

Yeah, but that's
the other reason I'm here.

I have a severe nut allergy.

- Of course you do.
- I could die.

That would be a shame.

I really want to have sex
with Rath's assistant.



Good to have dreams,
good to shoot for the moon.

- Yeah, but how do I get there?
- It's best to play it cool.

I'm sorry to interrupt.
I'm Julia, Levon's mom.

Hi, Melanie.

Sorry I created a hostile
working environment for you.

- Rick Rath. You ever done any acting?
- Oh, years ago, in New York.

Know what?
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

I think you're probably a lot more talented
than you think you are.

- Oh, hey.
- Hi.

I know you love that
overgrown man-child of yours.

Ours? Too soon?

But you got to stop visiting him at work.
It's not cool.

In fact, it's so far from cool,
it's almost creepy. No, it's creepy.

Yep, we're in creepy town right now,
population, you.



A, I have an appointment,
and B, it's too soon.

And C, are you
getting stoned right now?

What kind of appointment?

It's an acting appointment.

- You didn't answer my question.
- An audition.

Rath said there was a small part
I might be good for.

- Rath did, did he? Very interesting.
- You don't think it's a good idea?

I think very few things are good ideas.

It turns out I'm a very negative person,
but I'm working on it with my therapist.

Not really. What's wrong?

I'm really nervous.
Really, really nervous.

Like, explosive diarrhea nervous?

It doesn't matter. Whatever's going on
in your gastrointestinal tract...

...nobody cares, you know why?

- Because you look amazing.
- Do you think so?

I do. I think. I think many thoughts.

Many impure thoughts.

It's like the Pussycat Theater
up in here right now.

What the fuck am I thinking? It's stupid.
I should go back to work where it's safe.

Where people love me, and people
have teeth that need cleaning.

I know how to do that. I do it really well.
Tell Rath thanks, but no, thanks.

I will do nothing of the sort.
You can do this.

- Go on.
- How do you know?

Because I am flashing back to a memory
of our brief history together.

I used to run lines with you.

Yeah. Remember?

Sort of. No matter what the sides were,
you'd turn it into a sex scene.

I was trying to get you to internalize the
material without thinking about it.

Or I was just being awesome.

E*ither way,
you're gonna be great in there.

Just break one of those
incredibly sexy legs of yours.

- Thank you, Hank.
- You're welcome, Julia.

- You can go back to getting stoned now.
- Thank you.

Hey, maybe you care to partake?
You know, all the cool kids are doing it.

It might just take the edge off.

Come here.

A little shotgun.

There you go. You're ready now.

Go get them.

Hey, get in here.

Look at this.
Tell me if it's as good as I think it is.

- I'm biased, but...
- All right.

- How was your weekend, Danko?
- Groovy, baby. Grande groovy.

You gonna let me make you
a part of my weekend plans?

Who writes this shit, you?

- I didn't write this shit. You did.
- I didn't write it.

It sounds like something
you would have written.

Okay, watch.

There's rules about that, Danko.

Rules are made to be broken,
sweetheart.

So is hearts, Danko. So is hearts.

Was that okay, or can I do it again?

- Wait. She's gonna laugh.
- Everybody says that.

That's it? That's the...?

Yeah, it's a small part, but she'd be
the secretary at the police station.

So she'd be around a lot,
which would be nice.

- And she's good, right?
- She is good. She's very natural.

Very natural.

E*xtremely natural,
if you know what I'm saying.

I think I know what you're saying.

I'm sorry.
Does this make you uncomfortable?

I guess not.

- I mean, she's so beautiful.
- Yeah.

But it's more than that, she is like
a hit of pure sunshine, you know?

She's not like all these fucking damage
cases you meet out here, you know?

Is it cool if I?

- Lf you what?
- Pursue her?

Well, her son does work for you,
you know.

Is that a conflict?

He's not gonna be that happy
if you're banging his mom.

Yeah, but what do I care if he's happy?
He works for me. I don't work for him.

That's true. That's true.
I guess it's fine, then.

- You're not looking to rekindle?
- No, not at all.

- Why not?
- My life...

...is entirely too complicated right now.

Right, you got that whole thing
with the mother of your other kid.

Yeah, that whole
other-mother thing, yeah.

- Yeah.
- Got that going on.

Maybe you're right.
Maybe this isn't a good idea.

- Maybe I shouldn't give her the part.
- No, you should.

You should. I think you should.
This is good, a thing of good.

- You should give it to her.
- Oh, I'll give it to her.

Sorry.

Goldie, I cannot thank you enough
for agreeing to sit down with me today.

Don't thank me. Thank Hank.
He begged me to.

- He also speaks the world of you.
- Really?

- Yes.
- Because usually he makes fun of me.

Well, he does that,
but I can tell it's out of love.

There is love. I do love the guy.

- That is so sweet.
- I took a bullet for him, you know.

- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.

- Would you like to see?
- Not really.

- Can you see it?
- That looks like eczema.

What? It's scar tissue.

- Whatever, dude. What's your pitch?
- Oh, right.

You are a very talented
young woman, Goldie Forrest.

I have been a big fan
for quite some time.

Cool. I haven't heard that one before.

You wrote an episode
of Dawson's Creek, didn't you?

Yes, about a hundred years ago.
Why do you know that?

- Because I love that show.
- Bullshit.

You didn't watch Dawson's Creek.

Yes, I did. I swear.
I still watch it in reruns.

- Are you gay?
- No, not at all.

Well, I was, yeah, for a short time.

- I was just pretending.
- Why?

If I told you, I would have to kill you,
because you would be bored to tears.

Thank you for that. Sometimes,
when people are telling a story...

...I fantasize reaching into their
mouth, ripping their tongue out...

...and shoving it
so far up their fucking ass...

...that they can only dream
of shitting it out.

You are a most delightful young lady.

Do you think I'm pretty?

Yes, very much so.
I think you're beautiful.

But do you think it's working
against me, professionally?

Sometimes I think my looks
are a problem.

Like, if I were a hatchet face,
I'd have my own show by now.

Who are you with?

- UTK. But I'm feeling lost over there.
- That's not uncommon.

Have you ever given any thought
to taking on a manager?

I have one. In fact, I really
should not be doing this right now.

Why? What are we doing?
We're talking.

We're just sitting, talking.
Two people sitting and talking.

It feels wrong, dirty,
like I'm cheating on him.

I'm a dirty little slut.

But obviously you're unhappy.

He's a good guy.
He's just kind of old, you know?

My writer friends call him "Old Balls."
He just seems impotent.

Actually, that's not
the appropriate word.

It is the perfect word.
He's a real limp dick.

Well, sometimes those
limp dicks can surprise you.

Are you doing some kind of
a weird reverse psychology...

...you defend my representation,
make me think you're a good guy?

Because it's totally working.

What's wrong?

Nothing.
Why do you think something's wrong?

Because you're quiet, too quiet.

Usually I keep turning up
the volume to drown you out.

I like that you know me.

What's the problem?

I'm fucking heartsick, man.

- Melanie?
- Melanie.

Maybe you should shoot a little lower.

You know, what about that girl
that works in post?

- What about her?
- You mean the one with the lazy eye?

Hey, her eye may be lazy,
but that girl works her ass off.

When was the last time
you jerked off to a hard worker?

Melanie drives me crazy.
She gets me so hot.

- I beat off to her at work today.
- Oh, shit. You know...

...it's dangerous to masturbate at work.
Talk to your Uncle Charlie about that.

It's fucking disgusting.
What's wrong with you?

- Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.
- Don't jerk off at work.

- I think the director's trying to get in there.
- What?

That little worm, that fucking hack?

You've got the Moody blood
running through your veins.

Can't let that worm get in the way of
you and your masturbatory daydreams.

She's way out of both
your leagues anyway.

Yeah, but he's gonna win.
He's a director.

No, he's a TV director.
I mean, you're on your way up the ladder.

You're using a footstool,
barely holding on to the first rung...

...but he's stuck in the middle. E*ventually
he's just gonna fall off and die screaming.

Don't know how
that fuck keeps getting jobs.

- I don't know either.
- Must have film of Stu riding the Sybian.

Think I'd like to see that.

Yeah, me too.

I got it! I got the part! I got the part!

Congrats. Way to go.

- All right, congrats. Way to go.
- Hi.

Like to think my pep talk had something
to do with it. That and the shotgun.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

- Aren't you happy for me?
- Are you kidding me? It's awesome.

Not only am I a guy
who lives with his mother.

Now I'm a guy who works
with his mother. It's so cool.

Oh, there's the fact we moved
all the way out here...

...to launch my acting career,
and you luck into a job.

- Good for you, Mom. Good for you.
- Hey.

Stop being a snotty little killjoy.
This is your mother's happy day.

- Yeah, what he said.
- I'm sorry.

Come on, let's celebrate. It's great.

Come on, you're happy for me.
Let's have dinner.

- Get the door. Just shut it.
- Can Hank come?

- No.
- I'm sure Hank has better things to do.

I got to work on my 85-page
outline for Santa Monica Cop.

New career high, by the way.

Come on. Don't be a killjoy.
It's Mom's happy day.

Right?

Oh, all right.

- Come on, get in.
- Tight squeeze back here.

To the City of Angels, where it turns out
dreams actually do come true.

Tell that to brokenhearted starlets
who got chewed up, spit out...

...and effed in the A
atop the Hollywood sign. Cheers.

- Cheers.
- I love this city.

Okay, go easy there, Ma.
She can't handle her alcohol.

Beg to differ. Back in the day,
your mom could drink.

I could drink you
under the table, motherfucker.

Maybe I liked getting you
under the table, motherfucker.

Gross. Get a room, you two. Jesus.

You know what? There are some
seriously hot bitches here tonight.

- This is great.
- Who are you now?

What have I told you
about trying too hard?

- Anybody can be a dick. Be a gentleman.
- Yeah, what she said.

- Thank you.
- E*xcellent parenting.

- Shit.
- What?

- It's Melanie.
- What's so bad about that?

He likes Melanie.

- Shut up.
- Really? I want to hear all about it.

They need me back at the office.
Drive me.

No, we're getting started.
We're gonna raise the roof.

Come on, let's play some pool.

This is my job we're talking about.

They tell me to jump, I jump.
Show business.

- Can I pee first?
- Permission granted.

Bring back a sample.

So, what's the move here?

If I find myself alone with her,
what do I do?

- You really like this girl?
- Pretty much, yeah.

Then just make your intentions known,
and don't be creepy about it.

Don't whip out your dick or anything.

- Why would I?
- Your mom and I spoke.

Shut... It was a phase.
Why did she tell you that?

I'm impressed.
I could totally see us working together.

That is music to my ears, Goldie.

You say the word, and I will start
working to make your dreams come true.

Tell me something.
What are some of your immediate goals?

You know what I want
more than anything?

To run the fucking show.
Rath is a hack.

He's just coasting on his r?sum?
at this point.

If he would listen to me,
we could totally fucking crush it.

But his head is so far up his own ass
he can't hear what anyone else is saying.

I find myself sitting in meetings...

...nodding my head at every stupid
fucking idea he has.

You know what I mean?

You help me get the show out
from under Rath, and I'm all yours.

- What do you say?
- It sounds kind of devious, actually.

I know, right?

So all I have to do
is break up with Old Balls.

- Oh, unpleasant.
- But necessary.

- I have a confession to make.
- Oh, what's that?

Before the meeting, I went on RedTube
and watched your masturbation video.

I'm sorry about that.

I've been trying to get them to take it
down, but apparently it gets a lot of hits.

Don't apologize.

It's kind of hot.

I mean, there is nothing
limp dick about you, Charlie.

What kind of cleanup
am I looking at in there?

I don't know what you're insinuating.

Thanks for celebrating with us.
It really meant a lot to Levon.

Sure. I was happy to.

You know, you deserve a little stardust.
You do.

Thanks, Hank.
I think your pep talk really helped.

- Sure.
- Good night.

I probably shouldn't say this out loud,
but apparently that's what I do, so I will.

But you do realize that Rath might have
certain expectations now, right?

- What are you talking about?
- Well, he did give you the job.

Are you saying that he expects me to
have sex with him or give him a blow job?

I'm sure he'd enjoy either one of those
options. He does find you pretty foxy.

Well, he said I was very natural.

You are very natural.

You are. You're also...
You're very naive.

Jeez, maybe I should turn it down.

Don't cut off your boobs to spite
your chest or something like that.

I'm just trying to make you aware that
the boss man might have a crush on you.

You know, and you could do a lot worse.
The guy's a serious fucking earner.

- He has really nice teeth.
- And he's got really nice teeth.

- Smile.
- Do I have to?

You have something between
your lateral incisor and your canine.

Looks like a little hamburger meat.
Gone now.

- Thank you.
- Look at these choppers.

- They could use a cleaning.
- I'll make an appointment.

- I'll make an appointment.
- You should.

I will, right away.

- I'm not really ready to call it a night.
- No? All right, I'm game.

- Let's do it.
- Just tell me where to point this lead sled.

Okay.

I'm waiting.

So does Rath ever hit on you?

No. I gave him a killer blow job
when I first got here.

He's left me alone ever since.

- Really?
- Yeah.

That's smart, I guess.

Dude, I'm kidding.

Of course you are.

So, what makes your blow jobs
so killer?

Well, wouldn't you like to know?

- I would, yeah.
- You're funny.

Anyway, Rath has been through
a bunch of sexual harassment lawsuits...

...so he's pretty much learned
to behave himself.

I mean, I do catch him staring at my tits
here and there, but that's okay.

- You know, I take it as a compliment.
- You totally should.

One, two, three, eyes on me. Hi.

- Hey, Mel.
- Hey, you.

Can you run out and get me
a nonfat vanilla latte, kid?

Yeah. I really don't work for you, so...

Yeah, but you work for the show, right?

Yeah, so?

So if you work for the show, you work
for me, because I direct the show.

Well, you directed the pilot,
except for the reshoots.

I guess they had to bring in
someone else for those, right?

Come here.

Look, I have laid a lot of groundwork
with this girl. We're talking weeks of prep.

You are not gonna fuck this up for me.

You think I'm swinging
my big, fat dick around.

But the truth is,
I'm actually seeing a few steps ahead.

No matter what happens between her
and me, it's gonna end badly.

I know that going in.
I accept it as the cost of doing business.

But you? You could be, like,
the shoulder to cry on.

- See where I'm going with this?
- You're full of shit.

And you could use an Altoid.

Vanilla latte.

Get her one too,
and don't be too quick about it.

Hello.

I can't tell you how not into this I am.

Don't be such a pussy.
It's just a cleaning.

But you've been drinking,
shouldn't be handling...

...dental equipment under the influence.
- What are you so afraid of?

- You've seen Raiders of the Lost Ark?
- Yeah.

You know how Indiana Jones
is this badass?

He's literate, he's smart,
good with the whip...

...great with the ladies, kind of like me?

- Right? But he's deathly afraid of snakes.
- Okay, so?

I'm deathly afraid of dentists.

That dude is my snakes.

I saw Marathon Man when I was
younger, and I had nightmares for weeks.

I wet the bed after that, which is way
hotter when a woman does it.

I'm gonna clean your teeth.

- Say, "You're a really good director."
- You're a really good director.

Say, "You're a feature director."

- You are a feature director.
- Yeah, that's right. I am a feature director.

- I am.
- Yup. Yes, you are.

I'm just doing television
because the pay is good, but I'm close.

- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
- I'm close to having another feature.

- You're so close.
- Jesus, this is awful.

Not gonna be able to un-see this shit.

Leave the lattes
and get the fuck out of here.

Oh, my God.

You shouldn't be doing this, Melanie.
You deserve better.

- He's on his way down. I'm on my way up.
- Says who?

- My father.
- I knew it.

That fucking guy.
He lives to fuck my shit up.

He's such a fucking asshole.

- That's my father you're talking about.
- Yeah, your father is a fucking asshole.

- You're a dick. You know that?
- You're the dick.

- I hate you.
- You're a dick.

Your dad is ruining my life.

Goddamn it. What the fuck?

You have a gun in there?

Smell my finger.

- No, never.
- Smell my finger.

- God, fuck me, man.
- Fucking asshole.

You're a sick bastard.

I can't believe you're into that guy,
Melanie. He's on his way down.

I'm on my way up the ladder.
I'm climbing.

I don't mean this the way it sounds,
but you're a PA.

- He's directed movies.
- Shitty movies.

What other way could that have
possibly sounded?

He owns a home and a car.

That's what this is about, possessions?
Anyone can buy stuff.

Not everyone has one of these.

You have a surprisingly big dick.

Thanks.

Oh, but that doesn't make me
want to be with you, Levon.

This is not as bad
as I thought it was gonna be.

- I told you so.
- You're really good at cleaning teeth.

Fucking A right I am.

- Can I have another hit of nitrous?
- No. Come on.

- E*nough.
- Didn't see me cutting you off...

...when we were at the bar, did you?

Close your mouth.

You got to see a dentist
on a more regular basis.

I can't stress it enough how important
good oral hygiene is.

- Stop saying that.
- What?

"Oral." It's turning me on.

Good to know I still turn you on.

Nothing about you
that wouldn't turn a person on.

Really?
It doesn't feel that way sometimes.

No serious relationships ever?

There were a few things
that might have been something...

...but Levon always got in the way.

I just... I wanted to find somebody
who could embrace him for who he is...

...and also, you know, play an active role
in his life, but I guess that's a lot to ask.

Could be the nitrous talking,
but he's kind of a great kid.

He's really... He's kind of awesome
in an initially off-putting kind of way.

- It's weird.
- I know, right? He's a really good kid.

- Yeah.
- He's got a great heart.

Well, he gets that from you,
from his mom.

- That's not fair.
- What?

Just complimenting me
on my mothering skills...

...when I'm so close to you?

This is probably not a good idea.

- It's a terrible idea.
- Terrible idea.

It's Levon. That figures.

He's always been
such a little cockblocker.

- Should I rinse?
- Yeah, rinse.

- What's wrong, honey?
- You told me, make my intentions known.

Yeah, I also told you not to take your
dick out. I specifically said that.

- I know. I got carried away. I'm sorry.
- You think?

I did not raise you
to threaten women with your penis.

I wasn't threatening her,
I was showing it.

I thought it might make a difference.

Whatever. I should've known better.
No one I like ever likes me back anyways.

I'm not saying what he did is right,
but I get where he's coming from.

You know, he's a guy.
He just wants to get laid.

It's totally normal.

Oh, yeah, it's normal,
but it's disgusting, and it's illegal.

Yeah, it's all those things too.

But what is that about?

I mean, is it handsome and special?

It's pretty big.

Like father, like son.
Unless big dicks run in your family too.

He could have your big dick.
Where were we before we were...

...so rudely interrupted by your son's
overwhelming need to expose himself?

My son? Our son.

I thought you said it was too soon.

Speaking of too soon, what happened
before, that can't happen again.

I agree. Too confusing.

What happens in the dentist's office
stays in the dentist's office.

So you're saying it can only
happen in a dentist's office?

No, no, I get it. I'm just kidding.

- I'm not saying that.
- I know.

I'm gonna have a talk with him,
you know, about girls.

Try to make sure he doesn't
get arrested for something.

Thank you.

Yeah. It was a pleasure
co-parenting with you tonight...

...and I'm gonna hit the road
before the nitrous wears off.

Do you have any more
of that stuff from this morning?

"That stuff"'?

Let me see.
Ripped By mstoll