Californication (2007–2014): Season 7, Episode 3 - Like Father Like Son - full transcript

Previously, on Californication:

- Nothing?
- Nope. Not a twitch.

I even tossed his salad
for a second or three.

You sure you can handle the job?
Can you show up on time?

Play nice with others? Can you work with
actors without fucking or punching them?

Oh, so you have read my work.

What? What? What is it now?

I mean, nothing would surprise me
at this point.

He's really my kid?
I mean, all I have is his word to go on...

...and no offense, but he doesn't present
as the most trustworthy source.

I'm standing right here.



He's got all these crazy expectations
of you guys making up for lost time.

I don't have the heart to tell him
you're not that guy.

- Wha...? Oh, is this your kid?
- Apparently.

Does he want a job?

Because I just promoted the PA
to writer's assistant.

Baby, there's someone you gotta meet.

- How can I make this better?
- You can't.

Well, that's a very defeatist attitude,
Karen.

Hank...

...you have another family.
- "Family" is a strong word in this case.

However dysfunctional,
we've always been a family.

Now there's another one.

There's another baby mama.
There's another kid.

Do you realize
how fucking devastating that is?



Do you realize that the bottom has just
officially dropped out of our relationship?

Okay, okay, okay. I get it. I get it.

But I think once you get over
that first initial jolt of anger...

...you're gonna see that...

Angry? I'm not angry.

- No? You're not?
- No. Why would I be angry?

You seem kind of angry.

No, no, no. I'm not even entitled
to anger because...

Because you impregnated her
before you even met me.

That's true. That's very true.
I'm glad that you see it that way.

I think you're being hugely progressive
about the whole thing.

And that's what makes it 10 times worse.
She was there first.

She is baby mama number one.

- I am baby mama number two.
- Okay.

And she's a ridiculous fucking milf,
which makes it even worser.

- I know that I have a knack for this shit.
- Oh, you have a knack, all right.

It's a minor miracle that more kids
didn't come looking for you.

Oh, hey, that's not very nice.

I've always been very responsible
when it comes to the controlling of birth.

In the past, if a woman was kind enough
to share her privates with me...

...and asked me to slap on a prophylactic,
I would do that with a smile.

But sometimes the dog water
can seep in there and cause trouble.

Oh, yeah, I know the trouble.
I know the trouble.

You know what you need
to start thinking about?

Is how you are gonna tell your daughter
that she has a brother...

...that she never even knew about.
- A half-brother, Karen. Half.

It's like having a long-Iost cousin.
It's not that big a deal.

- It's nothing like that.
- Okay. I gotta go to work anyway.

So...

It was good talking to you.

Have a nice day.

What the fuck? What happened
to meeting me on the curb?

Sorry. I overslept.
I was up all night playing Xbox.

Why would you do that when
you're starting a new job?

Because that's how I deal
with my anxiety, Xbox. And weed.

Do you smoke weed? God,
there's so much I don't know about you.

Anyway, I'm pretty nervous
about this new gig.

Now you're gonna be pretty late
for this new gig.

Guess I thought
show business started later.

It does. It's 11 a.m.
Is that late enough for you?

Shit. Okay, I'm gonna go get dressed.

It's a good plan. Now hustle.

- Come on. Move it.
- Okay. Okay.

Go, go, go.

I don't know if I'm okay
with you coming down on me so hard.

What gives you the right?

- Where have you been the last 20 years?
- I've been busy, not knowing about you.

- Still.
- Mind if I use the facilities?

I don't care.

"I don't care."

- Hank, what the fuck?
- Apologies.

- Jesus.
- No need to take names in vain.

We're adults. We happen
to have seen each other naked.

Twenty years ago.

- I remember that mole.
- Could we not have this conversation...

...while I'm peeing?
- Do we have to? Okay, kidding.

And backing away slowly.

- Very, very slowly.
- Get out.

Could you maybe not hit on my mom in
front of me? It makes me uncomfortable.

I wasn't hitting on her.

I was engaging a little flirtatious banter.
There's a difference.

Whatever. I have issues.

Only kids who wanted to hang out
wanted to fuck my mom.

They'd be asking for hugs all the time,
knuckle-brushing her ass.

Fucking confusing times, man.

- What?
- Nothing.

Do I look pimp?

You're pimp.

- Mom, come on, cut it out.
- Okay.

Be nice, work hard,
mind your manners.

- And don't be weird, okay?
- I won't.

- Promise?
- I promise.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

Where's my hug?

Asshole.

Can you wait in the car for a minute?

No funny stuff.

You look cute.

- How's Karen?
- Oh, she's been busy...

...hating on me and whatnot.
Making voodoo dolls.

There she goes again.

And in the back too.
She's getting busy.

- Do you want me to talk to her?
- That's not a good idea.

You're already a little too milf-y
for her taste.

- Really? Why would you say that?
- Because that's what she said.

Wow, that is so nice of her.
She is so beautiful.

Yeah, me and my beautiful baby mamas,
lucky me.

Keep an eye on him, okay? He can get
a little weird in social situations.

Really? I hadn't noticed that.

What do you mean, weird?
He's not gonna yank out his dick, is he?

- I don't think so.
- You don't think so?

Maybe he went through a phase
where he liked to expose himself to girls.

- It was totally normal.
- Maybe?

A developmentally appropriate way
to express sexuality.

And it was a long time ago.

We got through it.

All right, kids.
Let's make some fucking television.

- All right.
- Yes.

Hugh, my boy, you're up.
You're writing episode three.

Awesome.
Appreciate the vote of confidence.

Yeah, yeah.

- Let's hear it.
- Okay, okay, okay.

Fade in. We open
on the Santa Monica Strand.

Camera finds Danko Jones.
He's Rollerblading down the...

Rollerblad...?
Why the fuck is he Rollerblading?

Why is the incredibly cool, aggressively
male star of our show Rollerblading?

Because he wants to meet women.
Works like a charm, trust.

Anyway, stay with me.

Danko meets this beautiful girl
on the Strand. She is banging.

Think Rihanna meets...

...someone even hotter than Rihanna.

Danko takes her home
and bangs the shit out of her...

...because that's just the kind of guy
our Danko is.

Next morning, he wakes up, she's gone.
He heads off to work.

Guess who the new captain is.
Roller girl.

Deal with that, Danko.

- Hank, you're writing episode three.
- Okay.

- I'll write it.
- Hank, you're writing episode three.

I do have 15 years
of procedural experience...

...versus the rapist, who has none.

- Hank, episode three.
- Groovy.

- What do you got?
- What do you mean?

Story ideas. Let's go.

I'm not a big fan of outlining, per se.

I like to do a fair amount of exploring
on the page.

That's good to know.
Save it for your novel, all right?

Writing a good episode
of television means...

...knowing every single fucking thing
before you put pen to paper.

This way, the work is done
before you even begin.

- What about a bad episode of television?
- Same thing.

Come on, man, pitch me something.

- This isn't a fucking internship.
- Okay. All right. Okay.

There's a... There's... There's a serial
rapist run amok in Santa Monica.

- Good.
- Here we go.

Don't worry, I'll make sure
he gets his comeuppance.

And he's targeting
hot female Rollerbladers, right?

And... And Danko Jones, against his will,
has to lace up and hit the Strand.

Good. I like it. This is fun. This is funny.
It's a fish out of water.

You got the cool black guy
doing the stupid white-guy thing.

This is how we tell stories.

Riff on it a little bit.
What do you got for a B story?

Yeah...
What if this doesn't need a B story?

What if this is just a very special episode
of primetime...? Oh, lunch.

- Oh, my God.
- Finally.

What took you so long?

Kid, you gotta pretend
like I'm hypoglycemic.

Where's mine?

What part of "chopped and tossed...

...extra dressing on the side, no onions"
don't you understand?

Chopped and tossed.
E*xtra dressing on the side. No onions.

Motherfucker.

Great.

- Way to go, Levon.
- You should go get some cupcakes.

It'll cheer him up. I think he prefers
sprinkles to crumbs, for what it's worth.

Cupcakes.

- Nobody wants cupcakes, Hugh.
- I'll have a cupcake too.

Yes. They have peanut butter
mocha fudge today.

You okay?

Fuck, no.
I just got my asshole torn apart in there.

Yeah, just dust yourself off,
get back in there. That's all you can do.

- Why didn't you stick up for me?
- Because you fucked up.

Those people take their lunches
very seriously.

- I've never seen anything like it, actually.
- Can I get a cigarette?

That shit was really fucking uncalled for.
You know it.

Did he hit you?

Did he fire you?

Did he stick his finger up your ass
and make you smell it?

- No, I don't think so.
- No.

I think you'd know.

He didn't.

So just, you know, do better tomorrow.

My whole life has been about doing
better tomorrow. It's a sound philosophy.

I just don't know, man. This
show-business stuff is really high-stakes.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, the business of chopped
salads is some cutthroat shit, isn't it?

You think that's bad?
You wanna be an actor?

You have any idea how much rejection
you're gonna face on a daily basis...

...especially looking the way you do?

Which is absolutely fucking adorable.

Can I get your advice on something?

If you must.

I really wanna have sex
with Rath's assistant.

Not today, in the future.

- The not-too-distant future. Like soon.
- It's good to have dreams.

- Good to shoot for the moon.
- Yeah, but how do I get there?

- Do I come on really strong, you know?
- Nope.

- Or do I play it cool?
- Yes, it's best to play it cool.

Like... Like, almost don't even say
anything to her, ever.

Like... Like, almost ignore her completely.
Let her come to you.

- I'm not sure I see how that's gonna...
- Trust.

Hey, sorry I blew up at you, kid.

- Rite of passage.
- No problem.

- Just get it right next time.
- Okay.

When in doubt, you just follow
the fucking directions.

- Okay.
- Like with actors.

When in doubt, just say the fucking lines.
Same thing applies to writers, right?

- Just follow the fucking note.
- You're getting a real master class.

Speaking of actors,
wanna join me in casting?

- We're auditioning crack whores.
- Oh, yeah.

Hey, that sounds cool.
Can I come watch?

No, but you can get me an iced half-caf,
one pump sugar-free caramel...

...two pumps sugar-free vanilla,
nonfat caramel macchiato.

Got that?

Sure.

What...? What was after "iced"?

Write it down.

You know what?
I'll just go ask your assistant.

There you go. Now you're thinking, kid.

All right.

Danko, I know you're trying to do
the right thing, but I love the rock.

The rock is my friend, my lover,
my confidante.

So I know you think you have magic there
between your legs...

...but when I put my dick... My lip...

But putting my lips on that glass dick,
that's the shit.

That's all the dick
this girl's gonna need.

Scene.

Very good.

- I like the improv, the glass-dick stuff.
- Yeah. Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Very creative.

Thanks. I just... It just came on me...
Came to me. It came...

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

I think you're a lot more talented
than you think you are.

Thank you.

There was a real moment in there.

I saw the price you paid.

- Thank you.
- No, thank you.

- Come back and see us again, please.
- Okay.

Why do you keep saying that?
"The price you paid."

- What does that even?
- Fuck if I know.

A director I worked with used it once.

I thought it sounded good,
so I incorporated it into my patter.

It's good to have patter.

- Hello.
- I have the network for you two.

They wanna make an offer
to E*ddie Nero.

Don't do it.

- You'll regret it.
- Why?

He poops on people.

I'm not kidding.

You gotta poop somewhere.

So acting, huh?

I want this part.

But why?

It's the kind of part that gets you noticed,
and I wanna be noticed.

As a crack whore?

I want this part.

Well, good luck to you.
You know, may the best crack whore win.

I will totally fuck you for this part.

Oh, that is... That is totally sweet...

...but I'm not really what you'd call
a decision maker.

I will suck your big black dick.

How do you know about
my big black dick?

Oh, you were in character just then.

That's cool. That...

You had a real moment there.
I saw the price you paid.

You wanna see my titties?

That's... It's not necessary.

We're a network show. We don't do...

- Titty.
- Wardrobe malfunction.

Yeah.

- You wanna taste my juice?
- Oh, well, no, that's cool.

I had some for breakfast already.

Hello, Frisco.

This is not as it seems.

Fuck you, Hank. I'm not gonna let you
get away with this shit.

- Rath, Rath, Ra...
- No, not now, Terry.

I'm not in the mood
for your militant bullshit.

Please, go do something in the room.
Make yourself useful, okay?

Are we ready to do some thesping
or what?

What's that smell?

- Must be ambition. Let's do this.
- Oh, yeah.

- What's that on the wall?
- Cock.

And what color is it?

- Black.
- It's black.

It's a black clock.

Big black cock.

Holy shit. That is so funny.

Little kids are hilarious.

- I know, right?
- Oh, my gosh.

Okay, now it's your turn.

What do you mean?

I showed you mine,
now you show me yours.

Yeah, but my favorite stuff
is definitely not safe for the workplace.

That's okay. I mean, come on,
this isn't like your typical workplace.

- Okay, I'll show you some shit.
- Okay.

I really don't wanna fucking deal with this.
Okay. Hank. Hank, Hank.

Can I see you in here a minute, please?
Thank you, Terry.

Have a seat.

Don't mind if I do.

What's up?

- Did you finger that actress?
- Oh, dear.

- Not exactly.
- What the fuck does that mean...

...not exactly?

- E*ither you finger someone, or you don't.
- Well, technically, she fingered herself...

...with my finger.

That's why it smelled like pussy
in there?

No, that was ambition.

Now I have to hire that crazy bitch.

- Why?
- Why?

If I don't, she's gonna claim...

...you did something inappropriate
with your stink finger.

And with your record,
no one's gonna believe you didn't.

- I see.
- What?

What's the matter, hon?
Did he finger you too?

What did you make her watch?

- I didn't make her watch anything.
- Well, something fucking upset her.

She was showing me some of her
favorite YouTube videos, right?

And she asked me to show her
something that I liked.

And?

It's kind of dirty.

I'm a big boy. I can handle it.

Well, speaking of big boys...

...this huge, prison yard-Iooking
motherfucker...

...is having anal sex
with this cute little porno chick.

- Here we go.
- Yeah, yeah.

So he's just banging away
and banging away.

- But that's not the cool part.
- No.

At a key point in the video, the guy pulls
his monster cock out of her butt...

...and shoves his entire scrotus
in there.

And this thing is ridiculous.

It's like a giant gym bag
full of basketballs.

So then... Best of part of the video.

- He pulls it out again and yells:

- It's actually really funny.
- Yeah, no, it's fucking hilarious.

Do you know what else it is?
Sexual harassment.

What? She asked for it.

- This is a workplace, Leon.
- Le...? It's "Levon."

- That's what I said.
- Look, it wasn't even sexual, though.

It was comedic.
I mean, was I turned on?

Yes, because she's incredibly hot.
But was I trying to fuck her? No.

You started to give her a back rub.

- Jesus.
- She said that?

- You told me to play it cool.
- I did.

I did. I told him to play it cool.
Well played, son.

- Thanks, Dad. Thanks.
- Well played.

The agent's on the phone.

Who? Which one?

Oh, the one who represents
the actress that Hank fingered.

Happy?

You fingered an actress today?
Where was I?

You were busy sexually harassing
my assistant.

Jesus Christ. Like father, like son.

Two real-live degenerate assholes.

Get the fuck out of here now.

What are we talking about here?
Are we...? Are we fired?

Does it look like I fire people here?
Have you seen this fucking office?

It's a fucking clown college out there.

Get out.

- What were you thinking?
- What's the big deal?

You can't do something like that at work.
It's disrespectful.

Says the guy who got in trouble
for fingering someone.

Watch your tone, all right?

- You know what? Fuck this.
- Where you going?

- Home. I'm done.
- What, that's it? You're just gonna quit?

Yeah, why not?
It's a stupid fucking job anyways.

Fetching lunches
for Hollywood assholes.

Now we know why
you still live with your mother.

- Who the fuck are you?
- I'm just trying to make the best...

...of an incredibly fucked-up situation.

Don't bother.
I'm sorry I came looking for you.

Don't start saying things
you can't take back.

Who says I wanna take it back?

You're a fucking drama queen,
you know that?

Which is why I'm gonna be
a great actor.

You think you're gonna be
a great actor?

You can't even get through one day
as a fucking PA.

- Fuck you.
- Oh, fuck me?

- Yeah, fuck you.
- No, fuck you, you ungrateful little shit.

I get you a job, and what do you do?
You embarrass me.

Won't happen again.

Come on. Come on, Hank. Do that shit.

- Come on, baby. Come on, Hank.
- Come on, Hank.

Do it. Come on.

No. Come on... No.

Yes.

- No.
- Are you kidding me?

- My money.
- This is bullshit.

- Thank you, Terry.
- What the fuck is going on here?

I won. I'm writing the episode.

No, you're not. That's not the way
it works around here, Terry.

- I'll arm-wrestle you for it.
- And you'll win. Of that, I have no doubt.

But I assign the episodes.

This place is a fucking freak show.

What the fuck is this now?

I'm sorry to interrupt.
I'm Julia, Levon's mom.

Levon has something
he'd like to say to you.

Do it.

Hi, Melanie.

I'm very sorry I created
a hostile working environment for you.

I was just trying to make you laugh.

- I guess I got a little carried away.
- Yeah.

It's partially my fault. I had a very liberal
attitude about Levon and pornography.

Well, I guess it's okay.

It was kind of funny when the guy's balls
just popped out of her butt like that.

I know, right?

Just don't try to massage me again.

- I won't. I promise.
- It was creepy.

- Got it.
- And your breath was horrible.

- Did you brush your teeth this morning?
- I forgot. Hank was rushing me.

- Did you floss last night?
- Mom, stop it.

- Okay, well...
- E*mbarrassing.

Mr. Rath, sir, I'm very sorry I fucked up
lunch and disrespected your authority.

It will not happen again, sir.

Whatever, kid. Shit happens.
You live and learn. Get me a Diet Coke.

- Yes, sir.
- Rick Rath.

- Julia.
- E*verybody calls me Rath.

I'd appreciate it if you didn't scream
at my son. He's a human being.

And I'm sure you can find a better way
to motivate your employees.

Wow, okay.
This is really happening, huh?

How is it even remotely possible
that you have a kid that old?

Oh, thank you.

Oh, right. Him.

- Yeah, sorry.
- Okay. I'm waiting.

Where's my apology?

I do have something
I'd like to say to you.

Who do you think you are
coming down on him so hard?

Doesn't sound like an apology.

You gotta put in serious time
before you tear into him.

He is my son.
You're just his sperm donor at this point.

Why don't you try being his friend?
What do you know about him? Nothing.

Moody just got schooled.

Well, maybe I overreacted a tad, but the
boy is in need of some male guidance.

Hey, I think this woman
is doing a fantastic job.

This kid's got excellent manners.

- She brought cookies.
- Which are amazing.

Why don't you find some patience,
and don't be a fucking asshole?

Well said, Julia.

Can I ask you something?

- Sure.
- Have you ever done any acting?

- Oh, years ago, in New York.
- New York?

- Yeah.
- I'm from New York.

- Oh, cool.
- Yeah.

Well, yeah, I did some theater and a few
commercials, but I wasn't very good.

You know what?
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

I think you're probably a lot more talented
than you think you are.

- Let me show you around.
- Take that, rapist.

- So this is...
- Levon. Milk.

I didn't see this coming, Runks.
Not at all.

Me either, buddy.

Boy, you really take your erections
for granted, huh?

You never imagine they're just gonna
go away one day.

How did you manage
to steer this back to your dick?

I was just sharing about how my life's
been turned inside out and upside down.

Well, mine too, you know?

My dick isn't working.

I can't make sweet love to my wife,
who surely must be growing frustrated...

...doubting whether she did
the right thing getting back with me.

At least you have a wife.

My relationship with Karen has never
been more fucked than it is right now.

- She managed to get past the Mia thing.
- Barely.

Proof.

Time heals all.

E*ven broken dicks?

Here's hoping.

It's Marcy.

"Come home and fuck your wife.

She's stoned and horny
and wants some daddy dick.

If it doesn't work, you can eat me out
and use the verb."

- What? The ver...?
- Verb?

- "Vibe." Brator.
- "Vibe."

"Stop at the store. We need milk."

Go. Go forth. Do as you're told.

Get your tongue ready for a workout.
And don't forget the milk.

And grab some booze too.
We're almost out.

What? You know I like me a nightcap
when I get home.

And some Popchips.
I love me some Popchips.

Working in TV has taught me
a lot about snack food.

Popchips.

- What?
- Hi.

What do you want, Hank?
I'm not in the mood.

I just wanted to say how sorry I am,
you know?

This whole thing has got me so nuts
that I haven't really taken the time...

...to appreciate how bananas
it must be for you.

You know, and I know I can't talk my
way out of it or expect it to blow over...

... but, you know, I just want you to know
that I fully appreciate...

... what a big deal this is for you.

Okay. What else can I do for you?

I'm a halfway-decent
paternal-type person, aren't I?

So that's what this is about.

You want your ego stroked.

No, no, no. It's just that I'm feeling
pretty rusty right now...

No, you're feeling pretty sorry
for yourself about now.

And that's a waste of time,
because this is life, Hank.

You know, shit comes flying at you,
and you gotta deal with it.

That's what defines you,
how you deal with it.

You don't get points for wallowing.

Well, that's funny, because I have never
felt more entitled to drink...

...and contemplate my Job-like existence
than I do right now.

And you have a daughter
who has no idea what's coming.

- Lucky her.
- And you have this kid...

...who's come looking for his father.
It's a big deal.

He's probably a raw nerve right now.

And his mom all, like, freaked out and
wondering how her life's gonna change.

It's a lot.

How about you?

You don't got time
to think about me, Hank.

You got enough on your plate.

Just don't give up on me, okay?

I'm still me.

We're still us.

Good night, Hank.

Good night.
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