Californication (2007–2014): Season 7, Episode 9 - Faith, Hope, Love - full transcript

Previously on Californication:

You'd seriously pay...?

A million dollars
to be inside of you again.

- That is fucked up.
- I know.

- You're not gonna do it, are you?
- I don't know. We could use the cash.

I'm on my way. How about you?

I will be, shortly.

Thirty minutes or less.

Oh, Hank. I don't wanna wait
for what already promises...

...to be a pretty unpleasant
conversation.

I just gotta see you smile
before you go home, okay? One time?



I can't make any promises.

- Drink with Karen? What's that about?
- E*verything's so crazy right now.

I don't feel like I can make the right move
to save my life. She centers me.

Shut up and listen to me.

I gotta try to get through this
without crying.

I'm at the hospital.

Karen was in a car accident.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

- Why couldn't I have been on time?
- Don't blame yourself, Hanky.

Why not? She was going to meet me.

Yeah. The guy was drunk.
He came out of nowhere.

It could've happened anytime,
anyplace.

Know how many times
I've driven around Venice fucked up?

It could've been me behind the wheel.



Yeah, maybe so.
But that shit doesn't matter now.

This is where we are.
She's gonna be okay.

You don't know that.

- How is she?
- Some fucking drunk broadsided her.

She got pretty knocked around.

She's in and out of consciousness.

And there might be
some internal bleeding.

- What can I do?
- You can stop crying, for one.

I can do that.

I'm doing that...

...right now.

Okay, and you maybe could
donate some blood.

She may need some.

Is there something else I can do?

Historically, I've been known to get woozy
when it comes to the giving of blood.

Maybe I won't be the right type.

I'm not a fucking pincushion, woman.

I didn't go in yet.

Really? You gotta be kidding me.

Seemed like I felt every inch
of that going in.

Now. Now it's going in.

Sensitive one, ain't you?

He's a fucking ninny, is what he is.

Woman's a fucking butcher, Hank.

Hey, how you doing, buddy?
You hanging in there?

Because I'm here to help.

I feel a little woozy though.

You know, fuck this.

Fuck, Karen, what are you doing?

Why are you being
such an asshole about this?

I'm actually trying very hard
to be the opposite of an asshole.

You know what?
You're not doing a very good job.

You're the one who brought up
me being an asshole.

Well, because you're making it so
obvious that you don't wanna go.

Oh, really? How can you tell? Is it
because I've said it out loud many times?

Yet here I am,
going where I don't wanna go.

Don't do me any favors, okay?

It's just our entire
fucking future at stake.

Jesus Christ, with the drama, Karen.

Know how many times
I've had to reschedule this?

Know how many times
I've put my fist through a wall?

I lost count. But you could ask Becca.

Nice. Bring Becca into it.

Why shouldn't I? Isn't she
the most important part of this?

Isn't she the reason
we should try to fix this?

Don't fuck with my shit, woman.

Have I always been such an asshole?

Different varieties of asshole.

Some more pernicious than others.

What the fuck happened to us?

- What do you mean?
- We were always... We were so great.

You know, we'd go out to dinner
every other night.

I could've sworn
we were gonna grow old together.

And now look at us.

We're still together.

Yeah.
Yeah, you guys are really together.

You're contemplating letting the love
of your life fuck some other guy for profit.

Hey, Marcy's her own woman, Hank.
I can't tell her what to do.

Yeah, you can.
You can fight against that shit, Runks.

Why did you tell him about Stu's offer?
Is nothing private, Runkle?

He's my best friend.
I needed his counsel.

It's a unique situation.
You didn't tell Karen?

No. She would totally frown
upon that shit.

Right. She would. Because she's a sane
and responsible adult.

She always had a way of centering us.

She's the best thing that happened
to me, and I fucked it up again.

- Hank.
- No, it's true, Marcy.

You know, instead of celebrating the fact
that I was the luckiest guy on earth...

...I pushed her away,
figured there'd be time to work it out.

- There is time.
- No, what if there isn't?

What if this is it?
What if we ran out of time?

You can't go through
with this Stu thing.

You'll never get over it.

There's some things
you should never get over.

That him?

- Hank.
- "Hank," what? It's a simple question.

Save it for in there.

Can't believe I let you talk me
into humiliating myself like this.

I'm out of here.

Hey, guys.

Welcome.

Hi.

Let's dive in, shall we?

- Yeah.
- What brings you to me?

She's having an affair.

- Diving right in, indeed.
- Jesus, Hank.

That's why we're here, right?

To cut through the bullshit,
get to the heart of the matter?

That's not the heart of the matter.

It's the heart of the matter to me.
It's what matters to my heart.

- It's the heart of my matter.
- Karen's right, Hank.

Why did I know you were gonna
side with her immediately?

No, no, no. No sides here.

I'm just suggesting that affairs are
typically a symptom of a larger problem.

Really? Well, it seems like a pretty big
fucking problem in and of itself to me.

So let's hear from Karen.

Are you having an affair, Karen?

No, I wouldn't call it that.

How would you describe it?

- He's a friend.
- An emotional friend?

- I suppose.
- Holy shit, Karen. An emotional friend?

I want an emotional friend.

- Where do I get an emotional friend?
- You had one.

Have you made love with him?

No.

But you've considered it?

- Yeah.
- I'm gonna punch a wall.

What's the sex like between you?

- Infrequent.
- Nonexistent.

Hank, why do you think...

...Karen has developed
an emotional bond with another man?

Maybe because the guy in question is...

Is Bill his name, is...? Fucking dial tone.

He thinks she's hot,
and he wants to fuck her.

So he pretends to be interested
in everything she's interested in...

...so he can get into her knickers,
which works, trust me.

- It's really hard to have a conversation...
- With Karen, it works.

...with someone who drinks himself
into a stupor every night.

- I don't see what's wrong with a nightcap.
- Are you a big drinker?

What? Is this an intervention?

Do you consider yourself an alcoholic?

I thought we were here
to talk about her emotional friend.

- And all we're doing is talking about me.
- What are you willing to change?

- Why is this all about me?
- It's not.

You just seem the most defensive
at the moment.

Oh, don't smirk, Karen.
It's unbecoming.

You know what's really unbecoming?
Is the fact that we don't talk anymore.

The fact that you bury yourself
in your work...

...and you go out every night,
drinking and flirting.

- Karen.
- You come home totally wasted.

You never, ever see your daughter.

- I have a movie in production.
- You are...

- It's a big fucking deal.
- So what?

Some significant others
would be proud of that.

I'm proud of that.
That's not the problem.

You show your pride
by finding an emotional friend.

And you seem to want to take advantage
of your newfound station in life.

And you resent having
a ball and chain at home.

I don't speak like that.
I've never put it that way.

- That's what you think.
- No, I don't.

Do I cross paths with attractive women?
Yes.

Do I flirt with them? I suppose.

- Do I wanna fuck them? Yes.
- Right?

Welcome to the wonderful world
of being a fucking guy.

Why is it a guy thing?

But I don't walk around trying
to make them emotional friends.

Or considering actually fucking them
all day long.

- You just sa...
- Actually...

Jesus Christ, that is so gross.

I wanna punch myself in the dick.
But I'm not going to.

Because that would be inappropriate.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, man.
It's only a dollar, man.

I'll give you another one, you know?
Knock it off. You know, try again.

You don't even have to pay me back.

Sorry. I don't know what came over me.

Hey, you know, it's okay, I get it.

I've done it myself many times.

Maybe not so much swearing, though.

Yeah.

- Are you waiting on some news?
- Yeah. You?

Yeah, yeah, man. You bet.

My wife, she's in surgery. Cancer.

We've seen the inside of this place a lot
the last couple of years.

I'm sorry.
My lady's back there too, somewhere.

Well, they say
waiting is the hardest part.

Truer words have never been spoken,
or sung.

- How long you been married?
- Not married.

Just together on and off
for forever, really.

We weren't on the best of terms
when this happened.

Hey, man, I've been married 44 years.

You're not always gonna be
on the best of terms.

Forty-four years.

Well done, sir.

You know... Well, you know, it takes time.

But once you get on the other side
of all the bullshit...

...you realize that this is what
it's all about all along.

You know, having a friend
to hold your hand...

...while life kicks you in the ass...

...and reminds you that
that body of yours is just on loan.

Yeah, sometimes you see things
really clearly...

...and then just... It gets cloudy again.

Hey, well, that's life, kid.

I mean, if it was easy,
we wouldn't never fuck up.

We wouldn't have any regrets,
we'd have perfect kids...

...and we'd spend every second
of every day being happy.

Now, you know anybody like that?

No, because I sure the hell don't.

You know,
you take it easy on this thing.

A boy called me "weird" today.

You are weird.

- Bad weird?
- Beautiful weird.

And I will totally kick that boy's butt
if you want me to.

No.

- He's kind of cute.
- Gross.

You are way too young
to say such things.

It seems like boys and girls
make the world go round.

Not only are you beautiful weird,
but you're also wicked smart.

I've made a pretty decent living
writing about boys and girls.

Speaking of boys and girls...

Yes?

Are you and Mom
going to get a divorce?

How can we get divorced?
We're not even married.

- You know what I mean.
- I do.

Not if I can help it, baby girl.

- You can help it.
- Yeah?

- By not fighting so much.
- I know. I'm sorry.

But it's weird...

...other times you guys seem like you
really love each other, like in the movies.

It's not like in the movies.

What about TV?

No, not TV or movies.

Mommies and daddies have
their work cut out for them.

I don't see why it's so hard.

I'm glad you don't.

You got plenty of time
to learn that lesson.

I don't understand why you guys
get so mad at each other.

How many times are you going
to punch the wall?

I'm not gonna do that anymore.

- You promise?
- Promise.

You know why else?

Because it really hurts.

Race you home?

Race you home.

Poor Hanky.

This really puts it
all in perspective, huh?

How do you mean?

We've been obsessed
with all the wrong stuff.

You know, the only thing that matters
is that you're healthy...

...you're okay, and you're right here
next to me right now.

You're right, Runks.

But we gotta go home sometime,
and we're still gonna need money.

- You know what I mean?
- There has got to be a better way.

And we'll find it, I promise.

Okay.

Yeah.

This kind of thing does put everything
into perspective. I mean...

...why the fuck do we make
such a big deal out of sex?

If that was you in there,
I wouldn't give a shit...

...if you spanked your secretary
or fucked the nanny.

It all just melts away.

I only care that you're okay.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

I mean, if I had been
more understanding...

...of the fact that you got some
serious kink in you...

...then we never would've fallen down
this rabbit hole to begin with.

Yeah, yeah. But I should've been able
to control myself.

Yeah, but like it or not,
it's just the way we're wired.

If some hot, young thing
asks you to spank her...

...you're gonna get a fucking boner.

You're gonna fucking jerk off to it.
It is just the law of the fucking jungle.

I really hate that you're making
so much sense right now.

I know. It's so annoying, right?

I mean, like, if Stu texted me a picture
of his ween right now...

...I'd probably get a little wet.
But that is purely out of reflex.

I didn't need that, Marcy.

But it's true, right?

I mean, we all have things
that trigger our arousal...

...and if we just acknowledge them
as normal and not deny them...

...then we could just move
the fuck on with our lives.

Oh, Jesus, Runkle.

Look alive, Runks.

Well, that was...
That was a really positive experience.

I feel good about the state
of our relationship now.

Says the guy who put his fist
through a wall.

Do not be changing my shit.

- Oh, Hank, don't be such a child.
- Don't be such a fucking nag.

You know what?
Don't put me in that box, okay?

Just because you refuse to grow up,
it does not turn me into a nag.

God, Hank, you're so fucking selfish.

I mean, everything revolves around you,
you know?

It's all about what you will do,
what you won't do. It's...

This is your life, and we're just
all these supporting characters.

And look who's giving
the performance of a lifetime right now.

I don't want to do this anymore.
It's so fucking miserable.

- Let's go!
- It is fucking miserable.

Fuck me.

- You okay?
- I'm fine.

- Sorry about that.
- Me too.

We could've fucking died back there,
Karen.

- Pretty much.
- Because of your taste in music.

We weren't fighting over music, Hank.

I know, but it just all seems so silly now.
All of it.

I know.

Where did we go wrong?
We were perfect once.

I would swear to that.

We've been in it a while.
We have a child.

We're not special.

I mean,
I know your writer's brain wants...

...to make us into some love story
of the ages or something.

- Because we are.
- Maybe, maybe.

But we still need to work at it, you know,
just like the rest of the world.

It's not gonna figure itself out.

We need to...

I don't know. It's been a long time
since it was just about fiery sex.

Yeah.

It was never just about fiery sex, Karen.

The sex was pretty fiery, though,
wasn't it?

- I don't wanna talk about sex.
- I kind of do.

Isn't that what we're talking about,
is a compromise?

- Shut up.
- And kiss you? Done.

Done.

Help.

- Hello.
- Hi. Sister?

What brings you in?

My wife was in a car accident.

I'm very sorry.

Is she going to be okay?

Don't know, now.

Are you a religious person?

Not really, which is weird...

...because I often dream
about being in a place like this.

But in real life, not so much.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Would you like to talk?

No, I'm good.

I was just kind of looking
for a new place to sit and wait.

Are you of any particular faith?

I'm a writer.

So I believe in sitting down,
shutting my eyes...

...and hoping for the best.

But beyond that, l... Not really, no.

Well, that sounds like a pretty good
definition of prayer to me.

I don't think the man upstairs would
be interested in hearing from me.

I've been a particularly wayward son.

E*veryone says that.

No, no, no. I'm a blasphemous mess.

If there's a top ten most-unwanted list
up there...

...I could very well be on it.

Maybe so. But right now you just seem
like a man who loves his wife.

I do.

I really do.

I mean, we're not even married.
You know, we live in sin.

We had a child together, broke up,
got back together, broke up...

...lather, rinse, repeat, you know?

- You really are a wayward son.
- Told you.

You're very pleasant, sister.

Very agreeable.

Yeah. Sit.

Close your eyes.

Hope for the best.

That's what I'm talking about.

We just made the fuck, woman.

No, I'm gonna amend that.

I'm gonna go out on a limb
and say we made some love.

And you know how much
I hate that phrase. But we made that shit.

We made that shit right here in our own
little private Idaho of sin and sex juices...

Okay, have you finished?

I could go on for hours. I've just started.

Do you think it's possible?

To go again? Yeah.
Just give me five minutes. Or four.

No, actually, I'm ready to go now.
Let's do...

No, no, no. Do you think it's possible,
you know, happily ever after?

Yeah, baby. I just think...

...we gotta bottle this feeling and bust it
out every time things get a little cloudy.

Yeah, because that really works, right?

Couples who have great sex,
they always make it to the finish line.

- Do they?
- We're gonna make it, Karen.

How do you know?

Because I love you to death.

- Really?
- I'm sure of that.

I love you too.

Come here.

You ready?

Yes.

- E*xcuse me, doctor?
- Yeah, in a minute.

Hey, hey.

She has a concussion.

Oh, Jesus.

But there's no internal bleeding.

She'll be here for a couple days...

...but she's a very lucky girl.

Oh, my God.

Thank God.

- Thank God.
- Can we see her?

One of you can go back.
Are you the husband?

Yes. Yes, he's the fucking husband.

Go see your fucking wife.

This way.

Oh, my God.

Honey.

- No. Not here.
- Not here? Okay. Okay.

This doesn't change anything,
you know?

I'm still pissed at you.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

- Hey, baby.
- Hello, sir.

Finally.

- I interviewed a new assistant today.
- What was wrong with the old one?

Well, the agency caught him
looking at porn on the computer.

- Oh, gross.
- Oh, is that a crime now?

Maybe they were afraid he was
beating off at work. I don't know.

Oh, that's fucking foul, Charlie.

Jerking off at work.
Save that shit for the shower.

I do not like to stand up
and masturbate.

Seeing my belly,
it takes me out of the game.

Seeing your great white underbelly
would take me out of the game too.

It's understandable.

And yet, I love to sit down when I pee.

- What do you think about that, Karen?
- Hey, hey. Guy or girl assistant?

Girl.

She's got funky hair, Hank.
And tattoos all over.

Hey, hey, hey, you be careful, Runks.

Don't go dipping your helmet
into that shit.

I'll bite it off. Trust me, I will. And you
can't afford to lose an inch off that thing.

I trust you, Marcella.

Okay.

Hey, we've been trying to get you
guys out on the town for weeks.

What gives? Why now? Why?

Hello? Hello?

Nothing. Just some days
you see everything clearly.

We almost died today. And then we went
home and fucked each other's brains out.

Which put us in a pretty good mood.

And gave us an appetite.

How many times a week
do you guys fuck?

Because Runks and I
are starting to slump.

- Hey, now.
- What? It's true.

You don't think I'm starting
to go through the change, do you?

- Because I still get really wet.
- Starting?

Yes, you do. I think that's what
makes me pop so fast.

You see, this is why we don't go out,
because every time we do...

...Charlie says something
that makes me throw up in my mouth.

She started it.

Hey, well, try living with that shit.
Try living with that shit.

I didn't.

Hey, you think we'll be doing this
years from now?

Why wouldn't we be?

We're the best friends
in the whole wide world.

We have got tons more business to do,
my friend.

We are not done
taking this town by storm.

I'm not sure if this town
is done taking us by storm...

...from behind...
- Always.

...without so much as a reach-around.

Boys and girls.

Oh, we're cheers-ing.

To hard cocks, wet pussies, bald heads,
Smurfs, and weathering the storm.

Are you Jewish?

I'm not sure if it's the whiskey talking,
but I fucking love you guys.

I fucking love you too.

E*specially you.

They're doing it.

You should kiss me now.

- We're kissing.
- So we have to.

That's good salad dressing.
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