Californication (2007–2014): Season 6, Episode 4 - Hell Bent for Leather - full transcript

Previously
on Californication...

I will love you
till the end of time,

but I can no longer be
your husband.

- It's such a fucking relief!
- I know, right?

It's fucking liberating!

- I'm dropping out of school.
- Oh, no, you're not.

- I want to be a writer.
- Why?

Being a writer sucks.

I really thought
you'd be more supportive.

I want an agent
who understands

what I'm going through,



both as an artist
and as a gay man.

I want a gay-gent.

We were in such
a great place that night.

And if we stand any chance
of getting back there,

you have to pull
your shit together.

Well, I really
loved your book, Ophelia.

Good for you, Marcy.

You don't need a man
to be happy.

Did you sign Robbie Mac?

Yeah, I wasn't sure
if it was gonna stick.

Well, it stuck, all right.
It's on deadline.

[Chuckles]

Do you know that fucker?

This fucker is supposed
to be in rehab right now!



It appears
that I have had a relapse.

I got to get myself
back to rehab posthaste.

Do you think maybe
you can give me a ride?

Here's to your
semi-successful rehab stint.

Cheers.
[Glasses clink]

And here's
to my cock-happy gay-gent.

Mm!

It's a better life, Hank.

The gays--
they got it all figured out,

especially
when it comes to sex.

They want to get laid,
they just do it.

They act on their impulses--
no guilt, no shame.

Heterosexuality should get down
on bended knee

and take a lesson.

I'll bring it up
at the next board meeting.

It's good to have
you back, buddy!

It's good to be back.

So...

What's next?

Well, I got
something in mind.

I-I don't know
if it's a novel.

I don't know
if it's a short story.

It's definitely
a character.

I met this woman
in rehab--

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
that all sounds great, but--

Mm? Yep, yep, yep.
You see it coming.

I got an offer for you!

And I pass.

- What, you pass?
- Yeah.

- What the fuck?
- Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna write on spec
for a while, Charlie, okay?

No Hollywood fingers
in my sweet, little cornhole.

[Scoffs] Why would
you want to work for free

when I can get you
a major payday?

Don't you need one?
Um...

You just dropped major
fucking ducats on rehab.

Well, yeah, sure,
paydays are always nice.

Yeah, yeah.

What if it was
a quick assignment?

Yeah, well,
they never are.

What if it was a remake
of Cruising?

Come on, Billy Friedkin,
Al Pacino.

And so it begins.

I got it all cued up for you
right here, okay?

- Charlie--
- Look, no, no, no, no.

You just need to sit down
and relax, hmm?

I got the popcorn.
I got the red vines.

Charlie, I don't feel like
screening a movie with you

right now.

I want to go see Karen, check up
on the state of our union.

Well, you got homework
to do, man.

We got ourselves a big
Hollywood meeting tomorrow.

♪ Elementary 6x04 ♪
Hell Bent for Leather
Original Air Date on February 10, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

It's gonna be amazing, Hank.
Nothing to be nervous about.

- I'm not nervous.
- Good.

- Are you?
- No, no, no.

Totally sanguine.
I'm the sanguinator.

Mm, well, you're sweating

through that cheap,
ugly suit of yours.

I know, I know, I know.

Hank, this could
be such a big meeting,

and I can't get Robbie
on the phone.

He's supposed to be here.
I'm sure it's fine.

I'm sure he's just out
somewhere, you know--

- Sucking a dick somewhere.
- Whoa, jeez, Charlie.

That's a little...something,
don't you think?

Hank, the guy sucks a whole
bag of dicks before breakfast.

A whole bag?
That's a lot of protein.

I hope he eats
a light breakfast.

Or maybe throw
some veggies in there.

I'm not nervous.

Ali's a huge fan.
Ali?

- Yeah. Ali Andrews.
- Charlie--

She's a huge fan of yours
in particular.

Charlie, Ali Andrews
was the executive

on Crazy Little Thing
Called Love.

She came on to me.
I rebuffed her advances.

She fired me,
had me rewritten.

Any of this sound familiar?

Vaguely.

Charlie, how the fuck
do you forget this shit?

It's all coming back
to me now.

Because you've burned
a lot of bridges, Hank.

All the people you've pissed
off--they move around a lot.

Hank, she's running
the studio now.

[Door opens]

Charlie.

Hank.

Ali.

So lovely to see you.
Come on in.

Ali Andrews...

One of the most successful women
in Hollywood.

Lucky 7 on the 30 under 30--
congrats on that.

- Where's your client, Charlie?
- Oh, he'll be here any minute.

You all are in
for a real treat too.

He is stunningly handsome.
Well, he's a movie star.

Of course he's stunning.
But is he clean?

Immaculate.

He's so clean,
you could eat off of him.

Yeah, I heard that
was your thing now, right?

I always had a feeling.
Me too.

So, Hank, tell me a story.

You've seen
the original movie?

- I have. It's brilliant.
- "Brilliant."

Why is everything always
"brilliant" with you people?

Why can't anything be
just good or okay?

But I-I-I digress.

You've seen the original.
That's my story.

Well, how do you plan
to update it?

I mean, what's your take?
My take?

My take is I'll take it.
I'll take it and make it my own.

[Chuckles]

Oh, oh, I-I get it.

You know, story's really
never been your thing, right?

You're all about voice
and attitude,

lots of talk,
no action.

Oh, okay.

So we both know
what this is about.

- We do?
- Yes.

And if you're still wanting
to make shit happen,

I'm down with it.
You're kidding me.

I was in a loving, monogamous
relationship at the time.

Now not so much.

I mean, it's still loving,

but we can't seem to get back
on the physical plane,

which sucks, but it does afford
me certain freedoms.

I wish you were this
imaginative in your writing.

I think it would clear
the air, right?

I mean, you're obviously
a woman that's used to getting

what she wants, you know.

And I'm the guy
that said "no, thanks"

to your fleshy goodness,

which makes me the one
that got away.

So you've put me up
on this pedestal

built of bitterness and regret.

This is exciting, hmm?

The sexual tension--
it's--it's thick. [Laughs]

I mean, you could--you could cut
it with a knife

and spread it
on some crostini.

Why don't you two get the fuck
out of my office?

I have a studio to run.

[Judas Priest's You've Got
Another Thing Comin']

Who wants to remake a classic
fucking movie from the '70s?

It came out in '80,
actually.

Ow.
Quiet, writer.

A man who shall remain nameless.

Came out recently.

He came out in a big,
brave, showy way.

Then he brought me this movie.

Now, at first, I thought,

"who gives a fuck
about anonymous gay men

punishing each other's assholes
in dark, dank leather bars?"

Then I thought,
"this guy does."

Three months
in dingy gay bars,

and I get paid for it too?

So what do you say,
handsome?

You seen the original?
Oh, yes.

Fucking brilliant!

Turn that shit up.

♪ You've got
another thing comin' ♪

♪ You've got
another thing comin' ♪

♪ You've got
another thing comin' ♪

Oh, oh, oh.

♪ You've got
another thing ♪

♪ Swallow the bone ♪

♪ You've got
another thing comin' ♪

♪ yeah

♪ it's a-comin' at ya

♪ you've got another...

Sold it, in the room--
totally fucking brilliant.

Settle down, Judy Garland.

You guys
should come celebrate tonight.

Fist--

Santa Monica and Robertson,
be there.

Oh, you're going to fist.

I got a thing over
at prolapsed rectum.

You know, it's in Silver Lake.
Be there, writer...

or be off the project.
He will be there, Robbie.

Sure thing.

Just got to get my assless chaps
out of storage.

[Engine turns, revving]

[Smooches]

He is something, ain't he?

You better be careful,

or else some part of him
is gonna end up

in some part of you.

Why you want to rain
on my gay parade?

Oh, it's gonna rain, Charlie.

It's gonna rain big buckets

of smooth, creamy
man-cake batter.

I hope you have your umbrella.

Gosh, Marcy, thank you
so much for fitting me in.

Are you kidding me?

This is my pure pleasure.

And by the way, this rip's
on the house--my treat.

[Tearing]
Oh!

Don't be ridiculous.
[Tapping hand]

- You come highly recommended.
- That's nice.

I mean, I am the shit
when it comes

to making pussies pretty,

but, uh, your writing
means too much to me.

This shit is gratis.

Thank you,
that's very sweet.

[Clears throat]
Can I tell you something?

And trust me,
it's gonna sound freaky.

[Tearing]
Ow!

You can tell me anything.
[Exhales deeply]

Okay, I've seen a lot of vajay
in my day,

but yours is simply stunning.

I mean, it took me a while
to hack through all this brush,

but once I got there, wow.

Thank you.

Honestly,
it's like it's glowing.

- You know what it is?
- No.

But please tell me, because mine
looks like day-old deli meat.

It is untouched by man.

But...I mean, do you--
how do you--did you--

Oh--what? Oh, how do
I take care of myself?

Marcy, I do exactly that.

I take care of myself.

I don't need a fucking man
to make me come.

I come all the time.

I just came right now.

- Seriously, you just did?
- No, I'm just kidding.

But I found a better way.

If you withhold,
you gain power.

[Exhales sharply]

That is some heady shit,
Ophelia.

So, instead of putting my head
in some man's lap,

I put my nose in a book,
and I never looked up.

And guess what.
All my dreams came true.

Are you sure you don't
just like munching box?

I love women,
but not like that.

I'd rather be alone,

alone with my first editions
and my hummus.

I love hummus.

What about children?

Ugh, disgusting
little creatures.

Church.

[Hard rock guitar music]

♪

Oh, boy!

All right, one drink, Hank.
That's it, I promise.

I can stay all night.

I feel like "Indiana Jones and
the Temple of the Greased Fist."

- Runkle!
- Aah!

Some people
I want you to meet!

Going in!

Don't do anything
I wouldn't do.

What are you drinking?

- [Chuckles] Batesy!
- Hank!

What the fuck
are you doing here?

What does it look
like I'm doing?

Research--got a new book
in the works.

Question is, what are
you doing here, kitten?

- Oh, Charlie's gay now.
- Now?

Let me tell you something,
that scrumptious little macaroon

was born with balls
on his chin.

[Laughs]

- How's Karen?
- She's good.

She's shacking up
with Marcy...

Not in that way.

Well, I'm confused.

Why is she not shacked up
with you in that way?

I'm equally confused.

I guess we're just heroes
of bad timing.

Hey, you going
to Becca's thing tonight?

What Becca's thing?

How do you know
about Becca's thing tonight?

We keep in touch.

She's always asking me questions
about writing.

She's so cute.
She's fantastic, Hank.

Huh. She never asks me
questions about writing.

Well, that could be one
of two things.

Either she recognizes
who the real writer is,

or she's not ready
to let you in yet, Hank.

Come on, it's got to be tough
on the poor gal.

She wants to be a writer.

Her dad's, you know,
reasonably good at it.

- "Reasonably"?
- [Chuckles]

It's okay.
You're still young.

If you want to be one
of the greats,

you're gonna have to park
your ass in that chair

and bleed on the motherfucker.

Thanks
for the gross tip, Prof.

Okay.

Listen, I got to go.
I got to get back to work.

Got a lot of thirsty boys.
You're a good man, Gunga Din.

- Yes, tipping is permitted.
- Oh, really?

Take your time, sugar.
[Laughs]

There he is.

Abbott's habit--
it's in Venice.

I think she goes on
around 11:00 or so.

Thanks, Batesy.

Hey, writer.

Oh, wow.

Wait a minute. [Sniffs]
Hmm.

Oh, you're real.

I thought you were a mirage,
but you smell of perfume--

lady-ness.
- Mm.

- What are you doing here?
- Robbie invited us...

To celebrate.
Hey, hey, hey, everybody.

Big, gay party at Runkle's!

[All cheering]

Let's go!

[Engines rumbling]

Come on, hop on, Runkle.
You're coming with me.

Wrap your legs around
this steel, bitch--let's go.

Get on it.
[Engines rumbling]

Yes.

[Engine turns, revving]

- You're wrong, Karen.
- What?

You're wrong.
Men are the enemy.

"Menemy" mine.

"Menenemy."
[Laughs]

"Menemy" mine!

Oh, I like that.

That is good, Marcy.
Yes, I love that.

That is the title
of my next book.

Thank you.

Uh...
Thank you.

Um,The Menemy,
my Ophelia Robins.

How men devastate your vagina

and suck out
your will to live.

Jesus.

Catchy.

You think
my utter hatred of men

is very extreme,
don't you?

- Uh...
- I don't.

I do.
Yeah, I do.

Well, let me
ask you this, Karen.

Where exactly has
the princess myth gotten you?

Because as far as I can tell,
everyone you've been with

has grown tired of fucking you

and wandered off into the tits
and pussy of someone else.

- [Coughs]
- Not Bill.

You got tired of boning Bill,
and you went back to Hank,

and then Bates got
all chicken hawk on you.

Okay, okay,
you don't need to, like--

I was just getting
the history straight.

Karen, you have got to work
on yourself.

You need to just get away

from this fairy-tale,
happy-ending fantasy

and focus on the now.

I mean, who are you?

What makes you happy?

That's what I'm doing
right now--that is it.

No, you're not.
You're fighting me.

You're a sophisticated,
intelligent woman.

Why have you spent
so much time with boys?

Boys are fun.
[Marcy chuckles]

Were you molested
as a child?

- No.
- You know what?

Seriously, I was.
I think I was.

My crazy Uncle Andy used to walk
around the house bottomless

when he babysat us.

Is that--does that count?

Yes, of course
it counts, Marcy.

The penis is not only
a disgusting appendage,

it is also
a deadly weapon.

And in my new book,
the one you just titled,

I advocate the use
of a cock cage.

It's like
a male chastity device.

And I honestly--
I really think it should be...

What is that?
We didn't order those.

These are courtesy
of the gentlemen over there.

- Oh, that's so sweet.
- Oh, snap.

- Oh, how dare they?
- Thank you.

Still got it.

- Ladies...
- Hi.

Hey.

Hello, boys.

Yes, we are ladies.

And, uh, we appreciate
your interest,

but this overture
was ill-conceived

and amateurishly executed.

So, if you buy us
enough of these,

then we're just supposed
to spread our legs

and suck your dirty cocks.

Is that the deal?
That's the deal, right?

That's the implied contract.

Well, that wouldn't be
the worst way

to end an evening, would it?

Well, um, I guess not.

But, uh, what about
the morning after,

when we, uh, wake up
with savage morning breath

and really bad gas from all
this beautiful stinky cheese?

Will your morning wood last
through our explosive diarrhea?

Will your love see us through
our hormonal fluctuations,

perimenopause,
and total ovarian shutdown?

Because we're women, guys.
[Snapping fingers]

And we fucking age.

We don't remain eager
little fuck toys forever.

So how about it?

You still want to buy us
a drink?

What do you mean no?

Was it something I said?
What happened?

You don't--
can I have your number?

What, you going
back to your mommies?

You fucking infants.

- That was incredible, Marcy.
- Ay.

You just took ownership
of your she-ness.

Sweating.

- That was just--oh!
- Thank you.

- That's not even a word.
- Thank you.

It is a word. It was the title
of my first book.

[Sighs] All right,
who is up for dessert?

[Rock guitar music]

♪

Rachel has a big crush
on Charlie.

- Why?
- He's cute.

You know, he is cute.

I give the guy
a lot of shit,

but he's pretty
fucking adorable,

you know, in a walking
life-size penis kind of a way,

like a pez dispenser.
[Chuckles]

It's too bad
he's a 'mo.

Oh, he's no 'mo.

- He's not?
- Mm-mm.

No, he's just pretending.

He wanted to sign
the Mac Attack.

The man does what he has to do.
He's a*pmusng closer--my boy.

You should go up to him
and tell him you dig his steeze.

Yeah, he'll be so chuffed,

he'll probably come
in his pants.

You should stand back
a few feet.

Seriously, keep your hands up.

- Charlie, I want to thank you.
- You are welcome.

I was coming out of rehab,

and you took me
into your loving arms.

I've never felt so protected.
That's what I do, Robbie.

I'm so glad
I let you service me.

I'm happy
to be servicing you.

I think
we should make love.

Yeewhat?

We should fuck...

Once at the very least.

- Why?
- Because there's tension here.

You're obviously
attracted to me,

and while I'm not
physically attracted to you,

I do feel enormously grateful,

which can be even hotter
sometimes.

I think you should blow me
for a while,

and then I could finish up
in that cute, little doughy butt

of yours.

What do you say?

No...

Think about it.

I'll be back.

[Laughing]

Charlie...

I know your secret, Charlie.

You do?

- I know you're just pretending.
- I am?

I am.
Yeah.

I just wanted you to know

that I have always
had a crush on you.

I temped on your desk
years back,

and I thought
about telling you,

but then you got fired
for the masturbation video,

and I missed my chance.

If you have a moment,
I'd love to suck your dick.

[Groaning]

Why did you even do
the movie?

It was such an epic
piece of shit.

[Chuckles]

Crazy Little Thing made close
to $300 million worldwide.

It cost 50.
It made my fucking career.

And it tainted mine.

Oh, please, you tainted
your own career.

You're incredibly
difficult to work with.

Yeah, right.
'Cause I wouldn't put out?

[Chuckles] Yeah,
I don't even remember this

little incident
you keep prattling on about.

Oh, bullshit.

We were sitting in your office,
on your couch, just like this.

And you leaned over,
and you smooched me...

Just like that.

And I do believe that you
even put your hand on my leg...

Something like this.
Mm.

- Ring a bell?
- If you say so.

I don't know if it's all
the gay sex talking or not,

but you're looking pretty
fucking good to me right now.

Wow.
Aren't you a charmer?

I still think you're mean,
petty, and vindictive.

But I'm thinking maybe
we should hate-fuck--

you know, get the poison out.
- If you say so.

So you admit it,
you're still into me.

I'm sorry.
I changed my mind.

[Sighs]

Uh-uh, fuck you.

[Moaning]

[Moans loudly]

Ooh!

Aah!
[Screams]

I am so fucking straight
right now!

- [Laughs]
- Okay.

Oh!

Mammary glands!
[Laughs]

Okay, okay, Charlie,
just wait--wait a second.

[Growling]

Charlie, I need to go pee
and put my diaphragm in.

- Awesome!
- Okay.

- You do that!
- Yeah.

You do that.
God!

I love hearing
about all that girly stuff!

[Knock at door]
Yes?

[Knock at door]

Yes!

Charlie, are
you ready for me?

Oh, yes, you are.

You got all naked for Robbie.

Here...

Take a look.

That's British steel.
Wow.

That is an impressive rig
you got there, Robbie.

Solid.

Solid cock and balls,
that...

That's some real
movie-star shit right there.

Thanks, Charlie.

You want to wrap your lips
around this piece or what?

Uh...

Well, it's really kind
of you to offer--

- Charlie, what are you doing?
- Ew!

Put some fucking clothes on,
girl--that shit is foul.

Charlie, what the fuck is this?
She came on to me.

She wouldn't take no
for an answer.

She tried to rape me!

I wouldn't touch her
with your dick.

Really, really,
she's disgusting.

You are a fucking asshole!

You know what, Robbie?
He is just pretending to be gay!

I don't believe that
for a second.

Charlie?
No! Fuck, no.

Moment of truth, Charlie.

Open up and say ahh.

[Groans]

I can't!

I got Hep-C?

Guess what, buddy.
Me too.

[Laughs]

Come on, let's do this.
Suck that shit.

Okay, but, really,
my bigger concern is,

what is this gonna do

to our professional
relationship?

Oh, I think it's gonna make
things a lot fucking hotter.

Okay.

Would you take a hand job?

I think that there is a party
in your mouth tonight,

Charlie Runkle,

and I'm coming.

Okay. Okay.

[Panting]

[Whimpering]

Okay!

I can't! I can't!

I'm sorry.
I just--I can't.

I'm--I'm straight
as an arrow.

I'm not perfectly straight.

If I was in prison right now,
I'd probably be a total slut.

But in the real world,

I definitely prefer
the fairer sex.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.
[Zipper closes]

I just--I'm such a big fan,
and I just--

I got caught up in a lie.

You are a liar and a coward,
Charlie Runkle.

Yes.
Yes, I am.

You know what else you are?

Fired.

See?

I feel the toxins about
to release from my body.

Isn't this much better?

All the resentment is about
to just explode out of me.

We should have done this
years ago.

[Moans]

Your career would probably be
in a lot better shape.

Maybe.
You never know.

I've been quite
the self-saboteur.

- Hank?
- Yes, Charles?

Hank, I've been found out.
The jig is up, Hank.

I've been "inned."

Can you give me
a few minutes?

[Chuckles]
Just a few?

Oh, listen, lady,
I'm enjoying your whole...this.

But I'm not exactly sure
how I feel about you in general.

You know, you did fire me
and then had me rewritten,

which led
to a nasty chain of events,

which, in turn, led to
a devastating downward spiral.

So don't let the hardness
of Hank Jr. fool you.

Uh, that shit
did not sit well with me.

Would you guys be interested
in a third, by any chance?

I'm fucking horny as hell
right now.

[Groans]

Once a bottom-feeder,
always a bottom-feeder.

Fuck you, Hank.
Hmm.

[Door slams]

Should we assume
the deal is off?

Of course
the deal is off, Hank!

And if the deal is off,
I'm fired as fuck right now!

And the thing they never
tell you is how hard it is--

growing up, finding your place
in the world,

accepting your fate.

But if you're lucky,
you have someone in your life

who gets you...

Who accepts you
for who you are...

Who ever so gently nudges you
towards your destiny.

So, yeah,
I guess you could say

I was born to be a writer...

which is weird,

because I definitely wanted
something else for myself...

Something big...

larger than life.

But it's a waste of time,
wanting things,

because sooner or later,
the thing that wants you

is just gonna come up
and tap you on the shoulder.

And you might
want to be ready.

[Applause]

Good evening, ladies.

- Fuck you, Hank.
- What did I do?

- You have a penis.
- Uh-huh.

And she's embracing
her she-ness.

You can't come in.

I like your poetry, woman,
but I don't understand.

You don't need to.
It's okay.

So what's up?
What's up?

I'll tell you what's up.

Our daughter's pretty fucking
talented--that's what's up.

- I know.
- Mm-hmm.

You came all this way to tell
me something I already know?

No, I came all this way
to tell you how sorry I am

for my shameful self-indulgence
over the past few months.

It's okay.

You don't owe me
anything, Hank.

I'm just glad
that you're feeling better.

I-I do. I-I feel better.

Mmhmm.

And now that I'm relatively
clean and soberish,

I'm painfully aware
of how we left things.

It's just--I mean, I...

It's all so--
unresolved?

Yes, exactly.

Yes.

It may have to stay
that way for a while.

I figured as much.

But, uh,
we should reconvene again

and talk about this--

the state of our union
and whatnot...

Sometime soon.

Hmm?

- Let's play it by ear.
- Okay, we will.

We'll play it by ear.

But in the meantime,

because of our pure-of-heart
little munchkin

beautiful daughter...
Mmhmm.

I'm going off
to write something.

- You're gonna write something?
- I don't know what it is.

Really?

I'm gonna make
my intentions known, Karen.

Put it down on paper.
Interesting.

- Prepare to be John Woo'd.
- I will.

I'm excited for you.
Good.

And I'm okay with all this.
I'm relatively sanguine.

In fact...
I am the sanguinator.

Goodgood night.

[Laughs]

Um...
So...

Good. Okay.

- Till we meet again.
- Mm-hmm.

- Good night, Karen.
- Good night, Hank.

♪ Don't let the sadness grow

♪

♪ You're beautiful,
don't you know? ♪

♪ And it's easy
to dive into doubt ♪

♪ but harder
to climb back out ♪

♪ So come heart that
are scared and alone ♪

♪ Let love give you
warmth in the cold ♪

♪ Let faith and hope
lead you on ♪

♪ Let joy be the
theme of your song ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==