Californication (2007–2014): Season 6, Episode 5 - Rock and a Hard Place - full transcript

Previously
on Californication...

I have a wonderful idea.

I give you one of daddy's
long, slow tongue baths.

Hey, I want you
to meet Gabriel.

Oh.
[Both gasp]

You were getting sucked off
by your sponsor.

The penis is not only
a disgusting appendage,

it is also a deadly weapon.

What the fuck do you think
you're doing?

He was my best friend,
a childhood mate.

[Cheers and applause]



I'm sorry I was such a bitch.

God, I'm so sorry
I fucked your husband.

Do you know that fucker?

This fucker is supposed
to be in rehab right now.

Did you sign Robbie Mac?

Yeah, I-I wasn't sure
if it was gonna stick.

Well, it stuck all right.
It's on Deadline.

Oh, he's no 'mo.

No, he's just pretending.

He wanted to sign
the Mac Attack.

There's a party
in your mouth tonight,

and I'm coming.

[Grunts]
I can't!

[Sighs]



I'm not exactly sure how
I feel about you in general.

You know,
you did fire me.

Should we assume
the deal is off?

Fuck you, Hank.

I'm going off
to write something.

You're gonna write something?

- I don't know what it is.
- Really?

Interesting.
Prepare to be John Woo'd.

[Joe Walsh's Funk 50]

♪ ♪

♪ I'm gonna take you with me,
find someplace to hide ♪

♪ if and when they find us ♪

♪ at least we can say
we tried, yeah ♪

♪ I'm gonna get
my motor movin' ♪

♪ I'm gonna dress in black ♪

♪ walk down that red carpet ♪

♪ show everybody I'm back ♪

♪ show everybody I'm back ♪

♪ ♪

Hi, woman.

Where you going?

I have a meeting.

Oh, you want
to grab some coffee?

Well, I have a meeting.

Well, can't you be late?

- I have a meeting.
- I don't understand.

Okay, so some people,
they have to work for a living.

Oh, when I works,
I works hard.

Well, get to it, then.

Well, I need a muse, you know.
Where you going?

I can drive you,
and we can talk on the way.

- Atticus Fetch's house.
- Mm.

Hmm, I think
you've been there.

I have.
It's all a bit blurry, though.

Mm, I can imagine.

Hey, why'd you blow him off?

'Cause I didn't want

to write a fucking
Broadway musical, Karen.

The guy seems like a nutter,

and I think he might threaten
my sobriety.

Says the guy with whiskey
on his breath.

That was
a creative lubricant,

and it's not working so well.

No, so don't do--
I got to go.

So you're refusing
to be my muse?

Oh, sweetie.

I'm gonna remember this

when you need something from me,
all right?

When I need something
from you?

- Should that day arrive.
- Yeah.

[Car door closes]
I don't like you working.

You're kind of--
you're kind of curt and brusque,

and, you know,
you're always on the go.

[Upbeat music]

♪ Californication 6x05 ♪
Rock and a Hard Place
Original Air Date on February 17, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

[Clears throat]

Ken. Jesus!

[Laughing]
I didn't even see you there.

You--you scared the shit
out of me.

- Sorry, Charlie.
- Whew.

Didn't want to scare you,
never want to scare you.

[Laughs]
I appreciate that.

- What's going on this morning?
- Not too much--

just another day
of living the dream.

How was the party last night?

Ah, well...
[Chuckles]

Guys in black leather,

smell of moist ass hair...

What's not to like?

Ken, I think I feel your penis
in the small of my back.

Think of it as a loaded gun
pointed at your head.

Do I have to?

Are you gay, Charlie?

No.
No, I'm not.

And I'm sorry I lied, Ken.

But I'm a good agent.

- Get up.
- [Sighs]

Ooh!
[Gasps]

You're a mid-level hack,
Runkle.

Check Deadline.
[Coughs]

[Mouse clicking,
computer beeps]

I don't care that you lied.

I don't care that your not gay.

I wouldn't fuck you
if I was dying

and your batch was
a magic potion.

I care that you lost this agency
a major piece of business.

Ooh!
[Gasps]

How'd it go, buddy boy?

I'm sitting in the dark
in my underwear, Hank.

- Aw.
- And I'm day drinking.

Got it.

What's next for us, buddy boy?

What are your thoughts

on a good old-fashioned
murder-suicide pact?

Nah, not yet.

Let's save that shit
for a rainier day.

Oh, like it's not pouring
right now?

I'm a fucking failure, Hank.

I'm unemployed, divorced.

I'm a shitty father.
No, you're not.

Really, Hank?
You think I'm a good father?

Not especially,
but you're not shitty.

I mean, you are sometimes,
but we're all shitty sometimes.

Cat's in the Cradle
and whatnot.

Do you have any idea how
expensive this place is, Hank?

The rent is insane.

Why are you living
beyond your means?

It's the only way I know how.

My ex-wife went off and married
a big-time movie producer.

So I went out
and rented a Malibu pussy pad.

God, if these walls could talk.

They'd tell you
to put your clothes back on,

you depraved simian.

Depraved or not, I'm living
paycheck to paycheck, Hank.

And there are
no more paychecks!

What am I gonna do?

Look, I've got an idea.

It's not
a particularly good one,

and I'm sure I'm gonna suffer
as a result.

But it's something that
could benefit the both of us--

you mostly, though.

Do I have to be gay again?

- But you passed, Hank.
- Yes, I know.

But I was not a well woman
at the time.

Not only did you pass,

you puked all over his piano...
Yes.

And his cocaine.
No, it is uncool, dude.

Yes, but we've made up since.

You know, we've broken bread.

We've shared women and cocaine.

I think he likes me again.
Come on, Stu.

Help us out here.

Look, fellas,
as a producer,

there's only so much I can do.

The talent is driving the train
on this one.

But...

I will put in a call.

- [Sighs]
- Thank you.

In the meantime, there is
something you got to do for me.

Anything.

You have got to convince Marcy
to sit down with me.

I have got to plead my case.

My business is going
to shit without her.

I can't do that, Stu.

She won't listen to me.

Smurfy tits?
It's Hankness.

Yeah, you got
to do me a favor.

[Stammers]
You got to sit down with Stu.

I know he's a lying,
cheating scumbag.

But he misses you
something fierce.

Yeah, he misses
that sweet little blue pussy

and that tight little raisin
of a cornhole.

All you got
to do is sit down with him.

He won't munch your box,
I promise.

- Scout's honor!
- He won't munch your box.

No, I won't.

It's just she tastes
so fucking good.

- Shush.
- If you say so.

Hold on a second, all right?

I never was
the pussy-eater you were.

Well, you really should have
thought about it, Charlie--

you know, compensate
for your shitty hang time

and your serious lack
of inches.

Jesus, fuck you, Stu.

- Sorry, just keeping it real.
- Hold on.

Will you shut the fuck up,
both of you?

Yeah?
So you'll do it?

Oh, she'll do it.
Mm!

Later,
female ejaculator.

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

Fuck you.

Now, when you say "fuck you,"
what do you mean exactly?

I mean just that--fuck you.
And fuck him.

That arrogant motherfucker
was face-to-face

with rock royalty,
and he fucking blew it.

I really thought
we mended fences.

We did. We have.

I like you, Hank.
I'm a fan.

But I can't collaborate with you
if you're not a fan of mine.

- Why not?
- Because it's not natural!

If I work with you, there will
always be this little voice

in the back of my head--

[high-pitched voice]
"He's not a fan.

He thinks you suck.
Maybe you do suck."

[Normal voice]
Who wants to live like that?

[High-pitched voice]
"What are you? Tone deaf?"

[Normal voice] Like that?
Hank.

What?

You are a fan.
Aren't you?

Yeahyeah, you know what?
I did what you asked me to do.

You said, go back, listen
to your early stuff.

That's what I did.
Really?

I did, yeah.

Which record?

Which record?

Which record?

Which record?
Um...Uh...

It was so good.

It was, um...

Go Fetch.

You don't sound very sure
of yourself.

No, no.
I mean, that was--

you know what?

That was really solid shit
right there.

I really, really enjoyed it.

- What was your favorite song?
- What song did I like best?

On Go Fetch,
what was your favorite song?

It's like children.

How do you choose
a favorite song?

But if I had to choose,

like, if you put a gun
to my head...

Uh...Sss...

[Timidly]
Step and Fetch It.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- That's my favorite too!
- Well, good.

Yeah, I wrote that
in 15 minutes on the shitter.

I think it's responsible

for one of my least favorite
hemorrhoids.

- Wow, that's a good story.
- ♪ Step and fetch it ♪

[Imitates percussion]

♪ Step and fetch it ♪

♪ I'm fucking crazy ♪

Look, I'm in the middle
of an epic shit storm right now.

I fired my manager last week,
because he's useless,

and I think
he's stealing from me.

They all steal.

Mostly 'cause he was just
a useless fucking glad-hander.

And I'm all out of cocaine,

and my dealer's
not answering my calls.

And I just miss
my magic songwriting powder.

God, it makes me want
to take a dump

just thinking about it.

- Charlie?
- Yes?

You're a useless fucking
glad-hander, aren't you?

Yes, yes, I am.

Oh, oh.

Might you be in the market
for new representation, Atticus?

Dude, you're
a Hollywood Agent--

a wanker in a suit.

What the fuck would you know
about managing rock bands?

Hey, hey, don't judge
the wanker by the suit.

This dude,
however bald and pasty--

as rock and roll
as they come.

And loves to pound the pussy.

This is true.

I love
to pound the pussy.

He does.

Look...

If you can get me
some Peruvian flake,

I'll maybe, possibly think
about throwing you in the mix.

One thing
of Bolivian flake--done.

Peruvian! Peruvian flake,
you fucking moron!

Any country you want.

- Oh, one more thing.
- Anything.

I need you to find me

the 1945 Martin D-28
acoustic guitar

that used to belong
to the childhood friend

I buried a few weeks ago.

I'm recording
this tribute song for him,

and I have
to have that fucking guitar.

It was so beautiful.

Talk about a gorgeous sound.

It was like listening
to Jesus ejaculate

into the mouth
of the Angel Gabriel.

Great.
Excellent.

You tell us where,
and we will get it for you.

If I knew where,

why the fuck would I need you?

[Doorbell rings]

Hey.

- Hey, yourself, young lady.
- We're looking for faith.

Then you've come
to the right place.

Come on in.

Hank Moody.

You don't seem that surprised
to see me.

Well, I suppose
I conjured you.

How do you like the book
so far?

Thank you for buying
the hardcover, by the way.

So far, so good.

You got it right--
the rock world.

Few writers do.

Mmm...

Will you settle down, Runks?

Have you never seen a pair
of breasteses before?

I wasn't looking at the--

No offense.
They're lovely.

None taken.
I know they are.

- Good for you.
- She knows.

Yeah, she knows.

So how's your sobriety
treating you, Hank?

Not as good as yours, I see.

[Chuckles]

Well, what can I do you for?

Well, I need a guitar.

Mm.
You know what?

I think I saw a guitar center
just down the road a piece.

Can't miss it.

And some cocaine.

- Ooh.
- Ow!

- Not just any guitar.
- Not just any cocaine--

Peruvian flakes.
Ow!

[Laughs]

It belonged to your D.R.S.B.--
Your dead rock star boyfriend.

Coining it.

It's an old acoustic.

A Martinelli.

- [Laughs]
- A Martin, jackass.

I know it well.

He used to leave it here
all the time.

Said he loved the idea
of his favorite guitar

spending time
with his favorite girl.

Oh, that is sweet.

So it's here?

The guitar is here?
No, not anymore.

He got in pretty deep

with this crazy
fucking drug dealer.

So he gave it to him to pay off
the money he owed him.

- Oh, shit. Bummer.
- Doesn't have to be.

I suppose I could take
you guys over there.

Do a little one-stop shopping.

Yeah, that would be
most groovy of you.

Do you think

that this guy might have
some cocaine as well?

[Laughs]

He's retarded, isn't he?

You're Hank Moody.

Hank Moody I am be.
How'd you know that?

What, you don't think
I can read?

Could you be any more
fucking condescending?

You think just 'cause
I sell narcotics,

I don't know how
to crack a fucking book?

My shit just got
more expensive,

[high-pitched voice]
Motherfucker.

Hey, wait, I say

[high-pitched voice]
Motherfucker just like that--

[normal voice]
That's my thing.

Well you're not the only one,
motherfucker.

Both: Motherfucker.
- Motherfucker.

Sir, we need one pound
of your best Peruvian blend.

We will be on our way.
"Flake," jackass.

A pound?
You seriously want a pound?

Yes, yes.

How much is that gonna run me?

- 35.
- Hundy?

That's a bit expensive.

We're gonna have
to make another stop

back at the
automatic money machine.

Grand.
35 grand.

We're also gonna need
Tony's guitar.

Why?

Atticus Fetch.

He's desperate
to record with it.

Fuck that pompous dinosaur.

Hey, that's exactly
what I said,

to his face.

Both: Boom.
- My man.

So you want a guitar that is
currently in my possession

and some
of my precious narcotics.

The question is...

What are you prepared
to do for me?

Look...

I think we both know that guitar
doesn't really belong to you.

Sure, Tony gave it to you
to pay off his tab,

but it really belongs
to the world.

It should be out there
making music,

not hidden in some dark lair.

And who knows?

That guitar could be the thing
that gets Atticus back

to making some
beautiful fucking music again.

You make
a convincing case, Faith.

Always fancied myself a...

patron of the arts.

Mm, I got into dealing
so I could be closer

to my favorite musicians.

But...
I don't know.

Also, Shari will give you
a blow job

that could cure cancer.

What?

Why do you always do this to me?

You said so yourself--
you need the practice.

This pleases me.

Usually I get head
from ugly strippers

in exchange for drugs.

But that's not gonna
get it done, folks.

You know, if you want,
you can throw a shot

into his mouth too.

Up until recently,
he was a homo--

big, big, big homo.
- Look, look...

I tried to suck a man's dick.

I couldn't do that shit.

I'm too straight
for that shit, okay?

Is there anything else
I can do for you?

I like that suit.

You like this suit?

I know just where you
can get this suit.

They got all sizes.

I can point you
in the right direction.

Boom!

Take it off.

[Knock at door]

Thank you so much
for seeing me.

Go in the living room.

I'll be right with you.

Oh, hello.

Uh, I'm Stu,

Marcy's estranged hubby.

Ophelia.

Pleasure to meet you,
Ophelia.

I understand
you betrayed Marcy's trust.

That's true.
I did--most certainly did.

I understand you put
your dirty cock

in some young woman's mouth...

twice.

I'm sorry.
Who are you exactly?

And now you, uh--

you're trying to get back
in her good graces?

It's true.

I am.

I-I'll do anything.

[Laughs]

And you think the sweater

and the bottle of wine
is going to do it?

No, no, no.
Of course not.

But it is
a 1964 Georges de La Tour.

I just hope
it's not too jammy.

Uh, what on earth
is that thing?

It's a cock cage.

Oh, my.

What is a cock cage?

It is a male
chastity device...

Available on my website.

It traps your cock
in a flaccid state, Stu,

which is very nice and cozy.

But if you get aroused,

if you surrender
to your baser instincts,

it can make things
very unpleasant

for little big man down there.

- Oh, dear.
- Mm.

Are you suggesting
I wear that thing?

I'm not suggesting anything.

I mean, you're the one who said
you wanted to make it up to me.

Don't you think you
should wear that thing, Stu?

[Plays notes]

[Hits a flat note]

[Plays a chord]

He's right.

It does sound like Jesus coming
in someone's mouth.

Well done, gents.

Now, where's
my fucking cocaine?

That's it?

That's what you got me?

That's all
we could afford, Atticus--

Mr. Fetch, sir.

This piddly amount
of cocaine

will last me
all of about 12 minutes.

You stupid, useless,
bent motherfucker!

Never get a suit
to do a man's job!

"A suit"?

You call me a suit?

I gave up my suit for you,
literally.

Don't you fucking dare.

You're right.
She's right.

You're absolutely right.

This is--this is
a magnificent piece

of rock and roll history,

and it must be treated
accordingly.

And, by the way,

your defiance...

gave me a thunderous erection.

Aah!

Look in the case.

Check tho*mywzartment.

He always kept drugs in there.

Here you go,
rock-star asshole.

This calls
for a celebration.

Well done, gents.

It'll be an honor
to work with both of you.

[Snaps fingers]

See you bright and early
tomorrow...

afternoon.

[Clears throat]

[Breathing rhythmically]

[Grunts]

Okay, so we're gonna go
to dinner now.

Can I come?

No, you filthy animal.

Marcy, maybe you should leave
the TV on for him.

- Good idea.
- Yeah? Yeah.

Oh, no!
Not girl-on-girl porn!

- Marcy!
- What?

Don't forget to kiss
your hubby good night.

You're right.
Of course.

How rude of me.
Baby. No!

[Moaning]
Ooh! Ouchy.

[Smooching]

[Strained]
Oh, oh.

[Gasping]

No.

Ouch.

[Metal snaps]
Aah!

Oh, the wine
and the weed

has made this
big-time rock manager sleepy.

And sloppy.

If you're gonna hang out
with rock stars,

you better learn how
to handle your dope, buddy boy.

That's dope advice.

You can crash here.
Shari, can you--

I'm not sucking his dick.

[Laughs]

I wasn't asking you to.

I meant "Can you show him
the guest room?"

Oh.
Okay, sure.

- Can I see your boobies again?
- No.

[Laughs]
Just one?

- Okay.
- Whoo-hoo.

In answer
to your question from earlier,

yes, he is retarded.

But--but he means well.

- He's funny.
- Mm.

But you two are
especially cute together.

Thanks for your help today.

No.

You were great the other day
at the funeral.

I'm happy I get
to repay the favor.

Both:
Boom.

I like your writing, Hank.

- Yeah, go on.
- [Laughs]

I like where this is going.

Don't--don't stop yourself.

I will say nothing.

Well, you were...

irritating in rehab,
but, uh...

You've got that thing
that I keep an eye out for.

What thing?

The thing that's hard
to describe--

that flash, that spark.

You know,
some would call that genius.

Oh, some might,
but I won't.

I think "genius"
is the single most overused word

of our lifetimes.

Word.

But I will say
that you're clearly doing

exactly what you were put
on this planet to do.

You are making use
of your gift,

and that is attractive.

It's just--
let me get this straight.

You met me,
and you found me irritating.

Thoroughly.

And then you read my work,

and you found me
less irritating,

even attractive.

Something like that.

God, that is--that is,
like, every writer's dream.

And that never happens, ever.

No, once it did happen--
once, once before.

I could really do something
with you.

Huh?

You're obviously
very talented.

But you haven't nailed it yet.

Classic underachiever.

That's what my folks
always said.

Oh, it's pretty exciting,
really.

- What is?
- 'Cause I could be the hammer.

Gulp.

The only question left is,
do you want to be great, Hank?

'Cause that's how I make
my mark on the world...

by helping you
make your mark on the world.

Good night.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no.

Don't you want to help me
make my mark over here?

I didn't say
this would be easy.

♪ She looked past the scars ♪

♪ and burned-out eyes ♪

♪ and could see
I'm no easy ride ♪

♪ she's just the kind ♪

♪ who might get you to buy ♪

♪ some strange religion ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==