Californication (2007–2014): Season 6, Episode 3 - Dead Rock Stars - full transcript

[Gasps]

Previously on Californication...

This better not be an intervention.

You gotta get your ass to rehab.

Why are you here? Why are you
wasting all of our time?

Maybe you're just an asshole.

Your friend Charlie said
you drank your own urine.

Hank Moody.

Is that Atticus Fetch?

Let's make a fuckin' masterpiece.

What do you say?



[Retches]

[Whimpers]

Are you high right now?

[Laughs]

It was such an incredible opportunity,

- I didn't want to miss out.
- When can you start?

I have the job?

What do you do in the real world?

I traverse the globe
in the company of musicians.

- You're a groupie.
- I prefer "muse."

I woke up with the most gifted
guitar player, but he was dead.

Do you want to get high?

[Rock music]

♪ ♪



Look, could I stand
to lose a few pounds?

Sure, I'm a big boy, I get it,

but addicted to food?
That's just fuckin' gay.

Gay, man--I mean,
no offense, but it's gay.

I eat 'cause I like the taste.

Look, if I didn't like the taste
of it, I wouldn't eat it.

You know what I'm talkin' about,
sweetheart, right? Huh?

But wasn't a trip to the emergency room

what brought you here?
Severe chest pains?

- Bullshit.
- Bullshit.

That was a panic attack,
not a heart attack.

It was a panic attack
brought on by that shrill voice

of that fuckin' mother of mine.

"Oh, you're too fat, Teddy.
You're gonna die.

"You're too fuckin' fat
to do anything, Teddy.

You're too fat
to work the snowblower."

Fuck her. She's the reason
I'm in here, you understand?

They took an EKG on me, all right?

I got the heart of a teenager.

[Laughs]

A morbidly obese teenager.

- [Mocking laugh]
- [Laughs] Come on.

Don't be so sensitive.

Faith?

Do you know what time it is?

It's time to get real.

Share with us.

Well, um,

- as many of you know...
- [Coughs]

the other day I woke up next to a guy

I was pretty fucking fond of,
and he was dead.

So tears were shed,
boos were fuckin' hoo'd,

and it sucks to be me.

And that led to the drugs and alcohol.

No, not really.

Um, been on pretty good terms
with drugs and alcohol.

Hallelujah!
Preach on, sister.

You know what I think, Faith?

I think you need to go
and say good-bye to this man.

Too late.
Funeral's happening as we speak.

Well, then you should be there.

That would be a pretty serious
breach of groupie etiquette.

Yeah, well, not healing thyself,

that's a serious breach
of human etiquette.

Bibles of truth, Gabe.
As-salaam alaikum, my brother!

[Laughs]

"As-alaika mala."
[Laughs]

- [Coughs] I'm sorry.
- [Laughs]

You should go, Faith.
Pay your respects. Say good-bye.

The weight, it will lift off your chest

and you will be able to soar again.

That's all well and good, it really is,

but I can't just show up there
all alone. [Laughs] I c--

I mean, the chick
who rolls up solo to a funeral

is usually the one
who was fucking the dead guy.

Hey, the answer is yes, sweetheart.

I'll be your date, any time.
Here's the thing, though,

can we stop by
an In-N-Out Burger on the way?

I'm fucking famished.
[Laughs]

- Hank?
- Yes, Gabe?

I think that you should go with Faith.

Oh, gosh.

I would totally love to, but, uh,

- funerals kinda bum me out.
- Yeah.

Well, I think it would be
a good test for you

to go out into the real world,
see if you can stay sober.

Oh, I don't see why I would.

Yeah. Well, I think
you should try.

Tell me the truth, Gabe.
You just want me

out of your hair for the day,
is that right?

Yes.

That shit is cold.

I'm just sayin'.

Ah, fuck sticks.
I guess a field trip

does sound kinda good to me
right about now. Okay.

Can I bring anything back
for you damaged fuckers?

Some coke? Some heroin?
Some, uh, pink dot?

Yeah, if you go to pink dot,

get me some bon bons
or a double dog, or so--

and don't tease me, pretty boy.

I'll fuckin' lay you out, right?

[Upbeat music]

[Moaning from the TV]

Nothing.

Man-on-man sex is intriguing,
yes, but not arousing.

That's very interesting.

[Yells]

[Groans in frustration]

[Sighs]
It's-it's--

it's okay, Charlie.

It was bound to happen
sooner or later, buddy.

It's okay, I-I support you.
In fact, I am proud of you.

No, Hank, no! I was just--
I was testing myself,

'cause I'm in a pickle, Hank.
It's a big, gay pickle.

I'm sure it is, my bald bromosexual,

and I support you no matter
how many dudes you plow.

I just gotta grab a suit.

What are you doing out of rehab?

I got a funeral.

What?
Who died?

A guy I was seeing.

Faith, Charlie.
Charlie, Faith.

Charlie is my bald, gay agent.

Lovely to meet you, Faith.
I'm truly sorry for your loss.

I'm not gay.
Is there anything I can do?

No. Thank you, Charlie.
That's very sweet.

- It's true what they say.
- Oh?

Gay men are more sensitive.

Gonna need the Porsche too.

But I've got a big, gay meeting today.

I believe funeral trumps
big, gay Hollywood meeting,

- don't you think?
- Oh, depends whose funeral,

- I think.
- Dead rock star.

Oh, okay, yeah. Sorry.
Take the car.

Thanks, Charlie.

Now you can get back to your gay porn.

- [Moaning]
- Oh, yeah. Oh.

[Moaning]

[Hard rock music]

♪ ♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

Is Krull around?

Uh, that depends.
Are you on the list?

Most definitely not,
my good sir, but, uh,

Krull, the tour manager
should be around here somewhere.

- He'll vouch for me.
- Um, sure, sure,

but maybe I can vouch for you.

Maybe we can make this whole
thing beneficial for both of us.

I mean, I want to get it in,
you want in,

how bad you want it?
Talk to me.

Really, dude? At a funeral?
Have you no shame?

What, are we gonna go
behind a tombstone?

You believe this fuckin' guy?

I'm not gonna suck his dick
to get you in there.

Don't knock it till you try it.

Blowjobs open a lot of doors.

- Bitch.
- Okay, you know what?

Move it along, groupie,
and take him with you.

You watch your tongue,
you filthy mongrel.

This is Faith.
All right?

Have a look and grasp
the cosmic importance

of this lovely, young lady.

Without her there'd be no rock and roll.

Get it?
Got it?

Good, now, fuck off, fatty.

[Laughs]

Krull, come here.
Mwah.

Thank you, you're the best.

Anything for you, love.
Who's the civilian?

Hank.
Krull, Hank.

Krull.
Right on.

- Good to meet you.
- [Chuckles]

One dead rock star,

now we're dating geezers
from the real world?

Does he look like
he's from the real world?

And do I look like I date?
He's a friend.

Frenemy, really.

Yeah.

What are you doing here, love?
You're not playing nice.

I just came to pay my respects.

I love you, babe, I really do,
but you know what I mean?

It's inappropriate, you bein' here.

It's his old lady.

Come on,*U|vv, I'll be in and out.

No monkey business, I promise.
Please, don't make me beg.

You promise.

Scout's honor.

All right.

- Kruller, comin' through.
- Not you, pal.

- Not you, pal.
- All right, no plus one.

- Uh-uhh. Mm.
- Good night. Good night.

Ah, hello, hello.
Mm.

- [Laughs]
- Ah, kiss on the head. Ah.

Gotta say, Charlie,
I don't know how I feel

about my new agent showing up in a cab.

Sorry, sorry.
The Porsche is in the shop.

Don't worry, Robbie,
Charlie's gonna get a big raise.

He'll be able to afford a second car.

- I'm getting a raise?
- You bet, buddy.

Partners talked about it.
You're goin' places, Dorothy.

Charlie, I got a question for you.

Yeah, what's that?

How many dicks have you sucked today?

[Laughs]

Uh, sadly, it has been
a dick-free day thus far.

[Clicks tongue] Charlie.
Doesn't have to be that way.

- Have you tried Grindr?
- Mm, I don't believe I have.

- Ooh, you'd know.
- [Chuckles]

It's an app.
Here, give me your phone.

It's amazing, Charlie.
It uses your GPS.

Anywhere you are, you can
find a guy who's ready to fuck.

Wow.
Steve Jobs. Respect.

There you go. You're all set.
You're the "Bald Bear."

[Laughs] Great.

Okay, [clears throat] Robbie.

You're clean, you're sober,

let's get you back in the game, huh?

Let's remind this town
how fucking good you really are.

All right, I got three scripts here.

Any one of 'em would be a killer move.

This one, a remake of Cruising.

That's an interesting idea.

It's a fucking hot idea is what it is.

Script gave me a raging boner.

Me too.
[Laughter]

Oh, there you go.
Your first dick of the day.

Huh? What?

Go for it.
You deserve it.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm good, I'm good,
yeah. See,

I just beat off this morning.

Yeah, should carry me
right through lunch.

Charlie, would you rather beat off

or get your dick sucked
by a 21-year-old

who just skipped out of crunch?

- I see your point.
- Charlie, I insist.

The client insists, Charlie.

Now go get your dick sucked
by a stranger.

Miss you, broheme.

I got the feeling
this is the kind of shindig

you would dig, you know?

- [Hiccups]
- Ooh. Howdy.

Howdy yourself.
I'm the widow.

Oh, shitness. My condolies,
and whatnot. I'm Hank.

How do you know my husband?

Oh, I-I didn't. I didn't,
I'm--I'm here with a friend,

and visiting with another friend.

You you know
what the weird thing is, Frank?

Uh, Hank.

My husband's dead and I'm numb.

- It's not so weird.
- I just want to feel something,

- you know? Anything.
- Yeah, you know, it's--

it's understandable.

I-I'm going through
a similar thing right now.

- I-I-I totally understand--
- Shut up!

You'll do.

- Uh, [Chuckles]
- [Laughs]

Have you got a few minutes, Frank?

- Well--
- 'Cause I'd really love

to gob your knob.

Well, anything
in your time of need. Come on.

[Laughs]

Mm.

[Zipper zips]
Look at this. 'Ello.

Brilliant.

Hey.

Oh, hey, uh, could you, uh,

could you--could you give us
a few minutes here?

[Laughs] Oh, what the fuck, dude?

Can you give me a few minutes?

All right, it's your field trip too.

Come here. Come on--
come here, come here.

- [Straining] Oh.
- What? Oh.

It was--it was very nice
to meet you...

So nice to meet you.
Brilliant.

And I'm so sorry for your loss.

Not as sorry as I am, my love.

Mm, apparently,
he is not as sorry as I am.

You.

Me?

You look familiar.

I don't believe we've met.

No, I don't believe we have.

You were on the road with him,
weren't you?

Oh, you mean Big Dave in lighting?

Yeah, well, you know, Bingo Starr.

Oh, gimme a break.

You're way too hot for the lighting guy.

Well, thank you.

No, I re-- I remember you.

I remember, the record company
threw some kind of a party.

Was it Greenville?
Maybe, I don't remember,

but you were sort of hangin' around.

There was entirely
way too much eye contact

- between the two of you. Huh?
- Listen, lady,

I-I really don't know
what you're talking about.

He was never gonna leave me,
you know. Ever.

Well, wasn't gonna
write a song about you, either.

Oh, is that what he told you?
That he wrote a song about you?

Ha! How cute!

What was that ballad from
the jazz record, Frank? Help me.

I--I never listen to a--

What was it?
Um, Faith?

[Chuckles] I bet you think that
song's about you, don't you?

- Guess I'm just that vain.
- Huh.

Faith.

- Oh, boy.
- Hey,

listen, [laughs] it's all
just rock and roll, right?

You think I give a fuck
about all his road whores?

I'm the one he came home to.

Thought they had an understanding.

- [Hisses]
- Sorry, I just--

I may not be a nun, but I'm no whore.

Ha! Keep telling yourself
that, sweetie.

And by the way,
our bulldog's named Faith.

Ooh.

You know, all things considered,
that could've gone a lot worse.

Fuck!

God, you know, the last thing
I wanted to do was upset her,

- and...
- Mm-hmm, I know.

I mean, just seeing him
all laid out like that,

- it's just too much, you know?
- Mm.

He even had on his necklace.

His cross.

It was my favorite, and he knew it.

He gave it to me
the night before he died.

I got rushed out of there,
I didn't even think

to take it with me,
and now it's gone forever.

That's--that's the problem
with this open casket shit.

In what universe is seeing
a dead person a good thing?

Shit's fucked up.
[Laughter]

[Sniffles]
[Geese honking]

Come on, let's just get out of here.

[Geese honking]
Oh, back to rehab, really?

No, I need a drink, maybe ten.
Then back to rehab.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

- What are you doing?
- Something idiotic, I'm sure.

If I'm not back in ten minutes,
blow someone to find me.

[Techno music]

♪ ♪

[Chuckles] Right on, bald bear.

[Chuckles] Let's do this.

Ho, ho, ho, hold on a second.

Hold on a second.
Hold on a second.

I have a confession to make.

I'm not really a homosexual man.

[Laughs]

So you wanna play this straight?
That's your game?

Whatever, dude,
I just wanna get my dick sucked.

As you should. I totally
understand, and you're entitled.

I'm pro-gay. I'm pro-sexuality
in any form--any form,

and I really respect and admire

the way you guys are using technology

to get your rocks off
in the middle of the day,

but me, myself, I'm not gay.

[Laughing] I just--
I got myself in the middle

of a huge misunderstanding.
Hu-u-uge.

- [Laughs] "Misunderstanding."
- Don't--no, no, no.

Don't do that.
Yes, I sort of

led a prospective client
to believe I was gay,

'cause that's what
he was looking for in an agent.

He wanted
a "gaygent."

So you're pretending to be gay
for career advancement?

That's really offensive, dude.

Robbie Mac is a brave man.

He's one of the first
fully-out movie stars.

I know. He's incredible.
A real trailblazer.

What if I marched out there

and told him what you just told me?

What if I paid you not to?

Forgive me, father, for I am about to

purloin some shit off a dead man.

[Sobs]

[Grunts, sobs]

[Sobbing]

[Grunts]

[Sobs]

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

Uh, I'm just paying respects
to a fallen hero.

You kissed him.

Yeah, I-I was overcome
with emotion.

He was my best friend.
A childhood mate.

If anyone's gonna plant lips
on him, it should be me,

or his wife.

Yeah, you--you're right,
it was a miscalculation.

Wait a second.

You're that cheeky fucker who
threw up all over my baby grand

and ruined my cocaine.
The--the writer.

- Hey, nice--
- Who's not a fan of mine.

Well.

What the fuck are you doing here?

I--I'm a big fan.

- Big fan of--
- Oh, so you're a fan of his,

- but not of mine?
- He's a brilliant

fucking guitar player.

Oh, and I'm not brilliant
in my own regard?

Do you have any idea how hard
it is to be a front man?

The--the pressure
that's on me

to entertain millions
of working-class citizens

and constantly reinvent myself
and maintain my beautiful--

- Everything okay?
- Yeah, it's peachy.

- It's peachy.
- This arrogant fucking wanker

is trying to bugger our dead friend.

Well, maybe we should bugger him.

No, I don't think anybody
should bugger anybody.

- Yeah.
- Come on, now. Come on, boys,

boys, this is really my fault.

He was just trying
to get my necklace back.

You--you're stealing from a dead man?

- No--
- Technically, yes--

Tony gave it to me, okay?

It's the only thing he ever gave me.

Faith, you need to hit the road, love.

Wait a second.
This is Faith?

Yes.

It is a pleasure to meet you,
sweetheart.

Tony talked about you all the time.

Oh!

He said you had an uncanny ability

- to suck killer riffs out of him.
- Ah!

What the fuck is this
skanky skank still doing here?

- I was just leaving.
- All right, yeah.

Good!
No, he can stay.

- Oh, ladies, ladies--
- He can stay.

It's big enough for the both of you.

I think she should probably stay too.

Uh, if she insists on staying,

then I insist on kicking her
in the fucking cunt!

[Overlapping chatter]

- Oh, the fucking cunt!
- That's enough.

[Whimpers]

[Crowd gasps]
I'll kill you!

I'll kill you!

[Struggling]

Oh.
[Crowd ohs]

[Screams]
Oh, no! My hair!

Stop it!
Stop it! No!

- Come on, it's time.
- No!

It's time.

[Organ fanfare]

Hello, Los Angeles!

If you're seeing me
in this badass holographic form,

that means I must be dead,

which totally sucks for me,

but I don't want any of you good people

feeling sorry for me.
I've had a great fucking life.

I want to thank you all

for coming out
to celebrate my untimely demise.

I leave you with this...

[Rock chord]

[Cheers and applause]

[Guitar soloing]
[Cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

[Cheers and applause]

- Come here, baby.
- [Sobs]

Come here.
[Kisses]

I'm sorry I was such a bitch.

No, God, I'm so sorry
I fucked your husband.

[Sniffs] Hey.

It's rock and roll, right?

Yeah, yeah.
[Sobs]

Oh.

It's not the dope talking,

but I still really dig
your writing, man.

Thank you.

Yeah, thanks.

You really gotta check out
some of my earlier stuff.

There's some good shit on there.

Before everything
got so fucking polished.

Fucking pro tools.

[Piano chord]

That dead man there was my best friend.

We met when we were five years old.

[Piano chords]

We used to go around to
his mum and dad's after school

and wear out their copy
of Exile On Main Street.

One day he showed me his penis.

It was alarmingly big
for a five-year-old.

[Piano chords]

He told me when he grew up

he wanted to be a rock and roll star,

and bugger me if he didn't
grow up and do just that.

[Piano chords]

So before we put that fucker
in the ground,

I'd like to play you
one of his favorite songs.

After that, you're all invited
back to my place.

We'll consume narcotics,
and listen to Exile, and...

get our penises out
in honor of our fallen comrade.

[The Rolling Stones' Shine A Light]

♪ Saw you stretched out in Room 1009 ♪

♪ with a smile on your face
and a tear right in your eye ♪

♪ whoa-oh-oh, couldn't seem
to get a line on you ♪

♪ my sweet honey love ♪

♪ ♪

♪ may the good lord
shine a light on you ♪

[Clapping along]

♪ Make every song
you sing... ♪

[Fades into recorded
Rolling Stones version]

♪ Your favorite tune ♪

♪ may the good lord
shine a light on you ♪

You don't seem
nearly as fucked-up

as everybody else here.

I was tempted to partake,
but it seems like

the kind of night where you need
to feel everything.

Even if it hurts so bad you want
to tear your fucking skin off.

Mm.
I hear that, pretty lady.

Oh, shit, I almost forgot.

[Hums]

[Sighs]

This means so much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So what now?
Back to rehab?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Just to pick up my stuff.

I think it's time to come back to life.

- Mm.
- Road beckons.

- Another project awaits.
- Really? Project?

Yeah.
They're my projects.

Yeah, I see a spark,
a flash of true genius,

- and I have to help.
- Mm.

I want them to be
the very best they can be.

You sound like
quite the patron of the arts.

It's what I do. Hmm.
How 'bout yourself?

What about me?

What's next?

Oh, I suppose I should write something.

Sit my ass in a chair.
The chair beckons.

Good for you.

Right, 'cause it's just that easy.

Have a little faith, Hank.

♪ Warm like the evening sun ♪

♪ [vocalizing] ♪

♪ yeah ♪

♪ ♪

Hank Moody, get up
off your ass and come with me.

I'm gonna play you
the greatest song ever written

in the history of the universe.

After which, we shall snort cocaine

and have our assholes
tongued by the angels.

♪ ♪

[Doorbell ringing]

[Gasps] Okay, hi.

Good morning, gorgeous.

- Um...
- Yes, please. I'd love some.

Some what?

Some of your delicious
girl scout cookies.

No, I'm not that.

I'm--I'm here to see Natalie.
Yeah.

Natalie, Natalie.

- Ah, Natalie's my wife.
- Oh.

Natalie took the children to school.

Natalie said,
"Let the new designer in."

Th--that's me. It's--

What Natalie failed to say

is how absolutely fucking
smokingly gorgeous you are.

- I'm gonna go, and then--
- You're gonna come in.

I'm incredibly interested
in what your plans are

for the interior of my home.

Um, could--
could you put some clothes on?

Why would I put some clothes on?

This is the way the baby Jesus made me.

That's nice.
Uh--

I'm joking. Come on,
I'll dig up some trousers.

Are you a fan of mine?
As I am of yours?

Um, you could--
uh, I--I don't know. Uh...

[Father John Misty's Hollywood
Forever Cemetery Sings]

♪ ♪

You attached?

Excuse me?

Are you spoken for?
Do you have a lover?

Or many lovers?

There are no wrong answers here,
only arousing ones.

Mm.

[Laughs] You know that fucker?

Oh, yeah.
I know this fucker.

This fucker is supposed to be
in rehab right now.

That fucker was
about a million miles away

from rehab last night.

We shared an eight ball,
among other things.

We spoke of hopes and dreams,
of what the world needs now.

I played him a song
inspired by his "Magnus Opum,"

a song about the healing power
of sex and love

and rock and roll.
He said it sounded

like a pit bull
raping a small, deaf child.

I don't think he meant it

as a compliment!
[Kicking sound]

No, he can be a tough critic that way.

Ow.
Ow, stop kicking me.

Wha--?

Karen, what the fuck?

Hey, you stole my line.

No, then it must be a sign.

It appears that I've had
a relapse of some sort.

I've been tested
and found severely lacking,

and I should probably
go back to rehab posthaste.

You think maybe you can--
you can give me a ride?

Probably get myself--

Oh, well, maybe--
maybe just a few more winks.

I was having the nicest dream.

I was on a beach somewhere with you

and God was marrying us,
and you turned into a mermaid,

and I couldn't find your vagina,

and your hair was covering your breasts,

which was kind of pissing me off,

and then someone was kicking me.

He's fine.

It's cocaine-induced dementia,
there's nothing to worry about.

He just needs his beauty sleep.

In the meantime,
would you like to hear a song

that I penned about the problems
in the Sudan?

I'd really appreciate your take.