Californication (2007–2014): Season 6, Episode 2 - Quitters - full transcript

Previously on Californication...

Now, how many of those pills
did you take? How many?

- No more than you did.
- What did you do?

Only what you made me.

[Sighs] Am I gonna be okay?

The doctors, they think
you're gonna be fine.

- What about her?
- You gotta get past this.

You gotta forgive yourself.

She was fuckin' looney tunes.

She tried to kill you, Hank.

You have a little flotsam
and jetsam there.



You just blew him again, didn't you?

God damn it, Stu.
I know about the blowing!

It was two, actually.
It was two.

And you're gonna be hearing
from my attorney, motherfucker.

I want you to meet Gabriel.

Oh, nice to meet you, Gabe.

- [Gasps]
- What the fuck?

Sorry, Hank.

You weren't supposed to see that.

I'm dropping out of school.

I want to be a writer.

You gotta get your ass to rehab.

Get your head out of your ass
and stop drinking.

Sooner or later, you're just
gonna kill yourself.



Oh, shit.

This better not be an intervention.

Hey! It's time for group.

Ha! This place
is inspiring, Hank.

Really, totally worth
the 60 large, if you ask me.

Say, do they let you masturbate here?

I'm just curious, 'cause it'd be cool

to blow a big, salty one
right in old salty out the.

Don't you think?

Now, there is the surly,
mean-spirited bastard

that I know and love.

He's baaack.

Do I feel better?
Yes.

Do I see the wisdom
in a time out or a tune up?

- Sure.
- Good.

And I'm doing my best just
to keep an open mind

- about all this Kumbaya shit.
- That's good.

But some of the clientele, Charlie...

Oh-ho-ho.

[Groans]

What's this?

It's a dime bag
of daddy's little helper.

It's gonna help take the edge off, Hank.

How did you get this in here?

My butt cheeks.

Feels good
to finally unclench. Ahh.

I'm disgusted...

yet delighted.
Thank you.

But aren't you supposed
to be supporting my sobriety?

Come on, weed don't count.

Oh, these queerios in here
would beg to differ.

20 years ago, people partied too much.

Nowadays, everybody's an addict.

I mean, I know I'm a big fan
of the bye-bye-pain juice,

but I don't think I'm an
alcoholic, do you?

Charlie?

Charlie, you listening to me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm with you.

- Is that Robbie Mac?
- Who?

- The actor.
- I don't know.

I'm hearing he wants to leave CAA.

You hold that thought.
I'm gonna go say hello.

Dude, I was just rolling
in the deep with you.

Awesome, awesome, and I
totally want to hear about it.

Just give me five minutes, will you?

[Whispers] Ow.

[Upbeat music]

?(Trademark)?

Being a child star really
fucked me up something fierce,

I'll tell you that.

I mean, at the beginning,
you know, it was so much fun.

I mean, it was, uh...

all the M&Ms you could possibly
want from craft service

and all the suction you could
stand from the extras.

But by the time that I left
The Wonder Years,

I was, uh...

I was shooting narcotics into my taint,

and, uh, letting some very
questionable dudes

blow me for drug money.

Sometimes simultaneously.

Ah, hey, you know, that's okay, dude.

As my good friend and agent
is fond of saying,

"Holes is holes," you know?

[Laughter]

What about you, Hank?
How are*?y*feeling?

Well, since you asked,

I feel like the good lord himself

picked me up in his bare hands,

laid me down on a bed of rusty nails,

pinned my ankles behind my ears,

and just stuck it in.

No vaseline, no lube, no nothing.

Not even a little spittle.

That motherfucker just took
his Darth Vader helmet,

that big Darth Vader helmet
and just rammed it home.

And he wrecked my pretty
little virgin asshole.

My sweet little brown bud.

Pulled out, came on my tits,
wiped his dick on the curtains,

and left me for dead.

That's just me.

How 'bout you guys?
How do you feel?

Is anybody else sitting
in a puddle right now?

Splash! Ha ha!

Come on, Hank, let's--
let's get serious, okay?

Let's put on our big boy pants
and do some work.

All right?
Give it a try.

- Okay.
- Okay.

[Southern accent] My name is Hank.

And, uh...

- And...
- And...

I'm an alcoholic.

- You are?
- You are.

Hey, now you're just slapping
labels on me, brother,

and I don't appreciate that.

Okay, Hank, addiction is defined

as continuing to do something

in the face of mounting consequence.

Okay, I'm with you so far.

Now take me somewhere with this.

Okay, so how would you label yourself?

I guess I see myself as an enthusiast.

A drug and alcohol enthusiast.

Hank, you're here because
you abused alcohol

to such an extent
that your friends and family

had to stage an intervention.

That's true, but they're
a little screwy themselves.

Really?
Well, your friend Charlie

said that you drank your own urine.

That--that is also true.

But that was an honest mistake,

and not as unpleasant as it sounds,

which is good to know,

in case you're ever in
a life and death situation.

- You're welcome.
- [Snapping fingers]

And you were distraught
over a former lover

who killed herself and tried
to kill you in the process.

Yeah. Well, it sounds
kind of soapy

when you put it like that,
but who wouldn't be?

I mean, isn't it normal
to want to numb yourself

when you're in pain?

Would a doctor operate
without anesthesia?

[High-pitched]
Nailed it.

Hank, this is not
an intellectual process.

This is not a polemic.
Okay?

This is about letting go
and letting God.

Oh, yeah, well, that's what Batesy did.

He let go, let God, and he let
you take him in your mouth.

Boom.

Thank you for
bringing this up, actually.

Hank is referencing
an indiscretion of mine.

And, uh, it was
completely unprofessional.

Uh, and it led to a five-week
intense relationship.

I have no regrets.

I learned a lot about myself
during that time.

- Ooh, I bet you did.
- I explored my humanity.

And your flexibility.

And I learned that I am
capable of error.

But also capable of great passion.

Richard Bates will always be
my favorite mistake.

Ugh.

Forgive me for asking,
but why are you here?

- Me?
- Yeah, you.

Why are you wasting all of our time?

Who are you, and why are you
being so aggressive with me?

This is faith.
She's our new friend.

- You missed her introduction.
- Because you were late.

And I'm being so "aggressive" with you

because everyone sitting here
is in real pain.

You're just doing
lame stand-up over there.

[Lisping] Hmm.
Maybe that's my process.

Well, maybe you're just an asshole.

No, I am definitely an asshole.

There's no doubt about that.

Hey, she's judging me.

How come you're not coming down on her?

We do not judge those who judge.

Well, I think that's all for now.

Why don't we stand up,
and everybody hold hands.

God give us the serenity--

No, no, no, take his hand
out of your pants.

Take his hand out of your pants.

Robbie, what is it you're looking for

in a representative?

It's quite simple, really.

I'm looking for a man
who's an honest animal.

I'm looking for a man who's an advocate

for me and my career.

And I want a man who's openly gay.

Oh...I see.

I want an agent who understands

what I'm going through,
both as an artist

and as a gay man.

I want a "gaygent."

[Chuckles] Well...

That's--that's interesting.

- Because...
- You're gay?

I'm gay?

Is that a question or a statement?

Exactly.

I don't understand.

Well, then, let me clear it up

for you, Robbie.

If you sign with me,

if you put your career
into my smooth, elegant hands,

you could sleep easy, like a baby,

content in the knowledge
that your representative

understands you
from every conceivable angle.

Because...

Because...

I'm...

gay?

[Both laughing]

I knew it.

You did?

Mm!
Yeah.

I mean, I had a strong feeling.

What, a strong feeling?

Really? Why?
I'm just curious.

You're very sensitive and kind,

yet incredibly carnal.

And you're wearing pink.

My gaydar is pinging, bro.

I have a really good feeling
about this, Charlie.

[Sighs]

Fucking men!

You know, I'm quitting men.

I'm fucking quitting men.
Are you with me?

I'm with you.
I'm with you,

- whether I like it or not.
- Mm.

'Cause it is gonna be a long time

before I trust myself around
the male of the species.

- Mm-hmm.
- 'Cause I--

I don't know what it is.

I just kind of turn them into...

Wild animals.

- Oh, dude.
- Yeah.

I mean, I know what you mean.

But you're missing
the whole point of the thing.

They're born animals.

We just--
we fool ourselves

into thinking we can make into these

sensitive little pussy eaters

we could sit and watch
The Bachelor with.

[Cell phone playing jingle]
Fuck.

- It's my phone.
- What's wrong?

- What?
- Oh, my God.

- What?
- It's--it--I-I-I--

it--it's that--

I sent my resume for a job.

- Don't answer it.
- It's for the--

- Don't answer it.
- No, this is the--

They might want
to interview--

Dude, you're baked.

You're gonna say something
stupid and jacked up...

- No, I'm good, I'm good.
- Like you fuckin' are doing.

Mm-mmm.
Don't answer it.

- I'm gonna answer it.
- No--fuck.

- If you do, keep it down.
- I'm gonna answer it.

I don't want Stuart to wake up
and get a contact high.

- Good morning.
- Oh, shit.

I'm sorry?

[Whispering] You're so crazy.

Hello.

Oh, really?

You do?

[Whispering] They want to interview me.

- Why?
- Well, yeah.

I would love to come in
for an interview.

[Sizzle]
Oh...

Uh-huh.

Half an hour?

Yeah, I could get there in half an hour.

Hey.

Hey.

Yeah?

Just sayin' hey.

Hey.

- We done?
- No.

I wanted to apologize
for being such a turd

in the punch bowl this morning.

At least, I think it was me.
I mean, could have been you.

Women's issues.

Hormonal fluctuations and whatnot.

Is it--sorry,
was this an apology or--

Okay, it was me.

Yeah. Hank.

- Faith.
- Nice to meet you, Faith.

What are you in for?

Well...

it's a little personal, don't you think?

Okay, well, then I will back up

and make with the polite conversation.

Um, what do you do in the real world?

My relationship to the real world

would be tenuous, at best.

I hear that.

But, if you must know,

I traverse the globe.

In the company of musicians.

You're a groupie.

I prefer muse.

Sure, who wouldn't?

That's nice work, if you can get it.

"Muse" would really be more applicable,

since men have written songs about me.

Well, I can see why.

Hank, you're not my type.

I wasn't trying to be.

Right, 'cause I'm not
the least bit fuckable.

I didn't say that.

They kind of frown
on that sort of thing here.

Not that it matters.

Because I only fall
for extraordinary men.

Oh...okay.

Would you say
you're...extraordinary?

[Chuckles] Fuck if I know, dude.

[Laughs]

Congrats--I think
that's probably

the first really honest thing
I've heard you say.

So...anything else
you'd care to discuss?

No, that--
that about covers it.

All righty, then.

All right.
[Clicks tongue]

Oh...

There she is--
Rebecca Moody!

- [Giggles]
- Rebecca Moody!

[Knock at door]

Marcy?

Please, I beg of you.

Just a few moments of your time.

- P-pl--
- Sit and spin, Stu.

Sit and spin.

My heart aches for you, lover.

For--former.

Former lover.

Here, brought you cash.

[Scoffs]

No, just walking around money.
No strings attached.

This is disg--
You think you can bribe me?

It's not a bribe when it's love.

It's not love when you're
getting your hog polished

by slutty starlets.

Marcy, it was just
the twice with the one.

[Scoffs]

Fuck you, Stu.

Okay. Fuck me.

Wait, wait...
I forgot.

Brought you some of this.

Figured you might be running low.

Hoo!

[Funk music]

?(Trademark)?

I miss making love with you, Marcy.

Ohh.

I miss my sexy wittle wubber fucky.

What about Lizzie?

[Laughs] Oh, please!

She was done with me

the second that we wrapped
Santa Monica Cop.

So you know what I did?

I cut her right the fuck
out of the picture.

And she gave lousy blowies.

I mean, arrogant, lazy, toothy.

- Ouch.
- Ouchy.

- No.
- Mm-mmm.

Not fun.
Not fun.

Hello.
Wait, wait, wait--whoa.

What do we see here?

- Oh, my goodness.
- Mm-mmm.

- Oh, no!
- No!

It appears--
it appears that mommy...

- I just found that.
- Is a little horn-ay!

- I was vacuuming! Shut up!
- I know where you found it.

- I just found that.
- I found it too!

- Don't.
- You know...

I have a wonderful idea.

Don't. No.
No, you don't.

Allow me to work on this
with you, Marcy.

Let me taste you again.

- Oh, Jesus.
- No, please.

Please.

Let me just lick
all of your troubles away.

[Slurp]

- Oh, Jesus.
- No. No, no.

I'll give you one of daddy's
long, slow tongue baths.

- Oh, my God.
- Ah-blah-blah-blah.

Oh, God.

[Vibrator buzzing]
My snorkel.

Oh, God.

Oh, Jesus.

That's what I'm sayin' right now.

- Okay.
- [Rolls tongue]

[Belt unbuckling]
Take off your glasses.

[Rock music playing]

- What's with the muscle?
- Oh, him.

- He gave me a ride.
- Why?

Because I spent the night at his place.

Oh...okay.

Well, that's not the least
bit disgusting.

Not to mention dangerous.

How do you know he's not
a serial killer?

Look at him.

You should trust my judgment.

I should? Why?
You have--

you have terrible taste
in the opposite sex.

Good visit, dad.
I should get going.

You sit and you stay.

Mm, what's his name?

You don't know.

Jane, you ignorant slut.

That's why I didn't introduce you.

I wasn't being rude,

I just didn't retain the information.

[Laughing] I'm appalled.

And I'm changing the subject.

- Ah.
- How are you?

Seven different kinds of shitty.

Trying to get it down to two or three.

You know, fighting the good fight.

Trying to make you proud of me,

or at least a little less ashamed.

How's school?

Dad, I told you I'm not going.

Working on a novel.

A novel, what--

what are you gonna fill a novel with?

Life. Love. Sex.

Death.
What else?

What do you know about
any of those things?

That's the point, dad.
I want the experience.

I want to start living.

No, living is highly overrated.

Sir...

Hey.

Ross.

Oh!

It's nice to meet you.

Roscoe.

I just want to say

I think that it's really cool
what you're doing here.

Respect.

I appreciate that.

Been through it a few times
myself, actually.

Yeah. Doesn't always take
the first time.

You know?

85% of first-time rehabbers

eventually relapse.

So go easy on yourself, okay?

That's good to know.

What's your poison?
The muffin?

[Laughing] Oh, no.

Heroin. Coke.
Booze, speed.

A little bit of everything, really.

And there's all the fucked-up
sexual shit

that goes along with it.

So that's the gist of it.

Classy but decadent.

Elegant yet understated.

And 100% environmentally correct.

- Karen?
- Mm.

I'm sorry.
I'm starving.

Mmm! Mmm.

Mm, who lives here?

- [Gags]
- Uh, I do.

- Oh.
- With my husband.

- Mmm.
- He's a musician.

Right. That--
that makes total sense.

He's really, really concerned
about the environment.

[Mouth full] Groovy.

Good for him.

Are you high right now?

No.

No, I am not.

I'm highly professional.

Highly.

[Snickering]

[Laughing] I'm sorry.

I am. I'm really
fucking high right now.

I know.
But it's so bad.

I was smoking pot when you called,

but it was such
an incredible opportunity,

I didn't want to miss out.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
It's so unprofessional.

I'm sorry.

When can you start?

What?

I have the job?

I know you're stoned,

but I'm not talking
fuckin' French, am I?

[Speaking French]

[Laughing]

Okay, you know your shit.

- You like to party.
- Oh, yeah.

You're gonna fit right in.

Just one thing, and, uh,

you and I will get along just fine.

Okay. Yeah.

Don't fuck my husband.

Oh, God.
I'm not a husband fucker.

[Buzzing] What's this, mommy?

[Vibrator buzzing]

Oh, my God!

Worst mother ever!

Ugh!

- Stu!
- Stuart!

My namesake!
Get over here, boy!

Whoa! Help me!

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Oh, God!

[Vibrator rumbling]
You got me, I got you...

Why didn't you say something?

Hmm?
About what?

Did you sign Robbie Mac?

Oh, that.

Yeah, I just...wasn't sure
if it was gonna stick.

Well, it stuck, all right.

It's on Deadline.

[Chuckles]

So it is.

Told ya!

Good job, Runkle.

Congrats.

Thanks.

I'm really happy for you, man.

I know you've been struggling
with your sexuality now

for years.

It's gotta be liberating, right,

outing yourself like this?

And what a way to do it.

Bravo, Runkle.

Bravo.

Wow, this is just out of control.

It is.
And you know what?

I think a whole new world's
about to open up for you.

Welcome to the mafia, buddy.

[Forced laugh]

[Floorboard creaks]

I'm sorry, Hank.

You're absolutely right.

I don't know anything about you.

But I want to.

[Panting]

Fuck!

All this cunt is...

- juice--uhh!
- What the fuck are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

Feel that?
It's my kegels.

That's fancy for pussy exercises.

- I don't mean to be rude--
- Oh, that's right!

Take that, mommy!

Please get the fuck off me.
Please?

You're getting soft.

I can feel you getting soft already.

Faggot!

You tell anyone about this...
I'll kill you.

Oh, no, don't worry.

I'm not gonna tell anybody about this.

Good.

God, I want drugs!

Yeah, well, who doesn't?

[Sobbing] Fuck you.

[Squeals] Kill you!

Don't worry.
Your prayers have been answered.

I'm leaving.

That's it?

You're quitting?

Just like that?

Yeah.

This shit ain't for me.

- Don't let me stop you.
- I'm not.

That girl...

the one who came to visit.

My daughter.

Would you really want her to see you

make a chump move like this?

Besides, if you bail,

you're never gonna find out
what the fuck I'm doing here.

So...

for the last six months,

I've been on the road with...

one of the biggest bands in the world.

And sharing a bed with arguably

the most gifted guitar player
in the known universe.

And, uh...

about 36 hours ago,

I woke up in room 1009, Four Seasons,

somewhere in the middle
of this fair country.

But on this particular morning,
there was no waking him up.

'Cause he was dead.

Yeah, I-I heard about that.

I'm sorry.

No, but you're right.

That guy was a fuckin' genius.

Yeah, fuck.

He really was.

And married too,
which is why I had to go.

He had a credit here.

Tried to get clean a bunch of times.

He said I could come here
and use the credit

if I ever got strung out
from the road, you know?

I figured this was...
as good a place

to grieve him as any.

Sounds like a solid plan.

Maybe it's not such a bad idea
for you too, Hank.

What's so bad about taking
a vacation from your life?

Do you wanna get high?

Does the Pope shit in the woods?

I believe he does.

Do you have anything to roll with?

Ooh...um...

[Cellophane crinkling]

They don't call it
the good book for nothin'.

Oh...

Old testament or new?

I'm an old school kind of girl.

[Whispering] I feel so bad.

[Both chuckle]