Californication (2007–2014): Season 6, Episode 11 - The Abby - full transcript

Previously on Californication...

I want some fucking girls

and some fucking drugs!

Drugs!

I decided to go abroad

for an indeterminate amount
of time.

I want to make
a literary pilgrimage.

How did you even know
where I was just now?

Oh, I tracked your iPhone.

That's really fuckin' weird,
Ophelia.

You know, chlorine kills



99.9% of the sperm,
right?

Fine, I'll get a condom.

Hank, what's up?

Aah!

I want you to meet Gabriel.

- Oh.
Both: [Gasp]

You were getting
sucked off by your sponsor.

Our daughter wants to go
on a literary pilgrimage,

and what kind
of malignant fucking asshole

wouldn't indulge
that sort of behavior?

I think we should let her go.

What are you gonna do?
You gonna slap me again?

[Taser buzzes] Aah!

Ow!



Woman, you are
a fucking fruitcake.

[Taser buzzes]
Oh, my God!

Ophelia!

I had to create Atticus Fetch,

and now I have to kill him
before he kills me.

That doesn't make any sense.

[Breathes deeply]

[Growls]
[Door closes]

Well, that was a short-lived
mid-life career change.

We're foreplaying here,
Charlie.

Not anymore.

Charlie Runkle,

more irritating
than shit on a shoe.

Atticus has quit the business.

Yay!

His wife is divorcing him.

He's pulling out
of the musical.

He's cancelling his world tour.

Bummer.
Both of those disappointed fans.

Fuck the fans, Hank.

This is gonna cost him
tens of millions of dollars.

But no, no, no.

He wants to concentrate
on his sobriety

and enlightenment.

He's at fucking Happy Endings!

- Listen, do you think maybe--
- No, Charlie.

You don't even know
what I'm about to say.

You were gonna ask me
to go talk to him for you.

- Would ya, Hank, please?
- No, can't do it.

- Won't do it.
- Of course he will.

- We'll talk to him.
- What the--why, woman?

Because Happy Endings
is no place

for anyone's sobriety
or enlightenment.

That's what I said,

and you negged me
for being negative.

Well, who's being negative now?

I'm not sure.

Atticus Fetch made
some great fucking music

at one time.

And if you were great once,

you can be great again.

Come on.

Let's help this Phoenix
rise from the ashes.

- It'll be so much fun.
- [Sighs]

I promise.

[Giggles]

Oh, God!

I feel so inspired.

I'm gonna go jerk off.

- Run, save yourself.
- Oh, come on.

That shit'll stain your ears.

I can't unhear
that kind of shit.

Ahh.

[Moaning]

Whoo!

[Upbeat music]

♪

[burps]

Quiet, please.

- I'm in the gap.
- Oh, that's cool.

Can you pick me up a polo
and a pair of chinos?

I'll pay you back.

The gap is the space
between my thoughts, Hank.

Oh, so you're forgoing

millions of quatloos
to explore your mental taint?

I don't wanna
make music anymore.

What's the fucking point,
really?

I just want to--

I just wanna garden.

How are you gonna keep

Air Force 69 in the sky
gardening?

I'll fly coach--
business.

That is if I fly at all
anymore.

I-I don't see why I
would ever leave this place.

What about the fans?

[Exhales]

What fans?

You said it yourself, Hank.

I'm a fuckin' dinosaur.

Yeah, but dinosaurs are cool.

You've seen a velociraptor,
right?

It's pretty bad-ass.

Atticus, you're one

of the most iconic artists
in rock history.

You're just going
through a blue period.

I appreciate it, dear girl.

But I should've done
the world a favor

and died young.

Flash him.

Mm.

I'm sorry, I find no joy

in objectifying women anymore.

It's not fun, and it's not fun.

This is worse than I thought.

[Clears throat]

Your tits are powerless.

You're upsetting him.

What are you talking about?

The guy's practically
lobotomized.

I said that you
could visit with him,

but you're getting him
all riled up.

He's very fragile right now.

Which is the perfect time
for you

to swoop in and get
all blowjobby with him.

You should thank me.

Speaking of such things,

do you have any idea
where Richard is?

- Didn't you go to Fist?
- I did, yes.

And they said that he
doesn't work there anymore.

Oh.
Nice place, huh?

Like Disneyland.

Hmm. You're a complicated
individual, aren't you?

The heart wants, Hank.

- Gabriel?
- Yes?

This encounter
has left me feeling

like I'd really like
to use some drugs right now.

Well, Hank has that effect
on people.

Let's talk about it
in my office.

Leave, now.

You gotta quit cogitating,
bitch.

Becca is gonna be fine.

Road trip is a rite of passage.

You gotta have a little faith
in the girl.

Don't say that word,
"Faith."

Oh, Jesus, trouble walking.

Look away. Look away.
Look away.

Ladies?

O-phelia.

What's up, crazy?

Uh, I would like to invite you

to my house for lunch.

Oh, God.
You know what?

I-I gotta--
I gotta help my daughter.

She's going on a road trip.

Yeah, I-I wasn't
inviting you, Karen.

Oh.
Okay.

Um--

- What--
- Good luck.

- Oh, it's like that?
- Yeah, I think--

Yeah.

I have never been able
to penetrate

that woman's dysfunctional
relationship to men.

She is just a lost cause.

But you--
[Sighs]

You are still impressionable.

And I owe you a big apology.

Hey, you know what, O?

Just--let's forgive
and forget.

Please, Marcy.

I-I really wanna
make it up to you.

You know, I-I don't
wanna leave it like this.

I really don't, please.

Pretty please?

I know where you live, Marcy.

[Chuckles]

That's why it's so important
to live first.

Write later.

Pen, paper, laptop--
that shit doesn't matter.

The only tool you need
is right here

between your legs.
[All giggling]

Use it every chance you get.

Do not deny yourself, children.

Follow every instinct,

then sit down
and write about it.

But do not get up
until you expose yourself.

[Cheers and applause]

Thank you, children.

Thank you.
Go forth. Go forth.

[Cheers and applause]

- Batesy!
- Oh, my God, Hank!

- How you doing, Batesy?
- Oh!

Thank you for that.
That was lovely.

- Wow.
- Batesy, this is Faith.

- Batesy, Faith.
- Faith.

- Hello.
- What a beauty you are.

Um, he's very friendly,

- super handsy.
- He's a friendly boy.

Look at you two.
Look at you two.

Dr. Kinsey
would be very confused

by my meter reading right now.

- That's--that's a compliment.
- Hmm.

Oh, these
are my teaching assistants

Rodrigo and Gabriela.

You know, give us a moment,
kittens, go warm the bed.

Unless, of course,
you two care to join us.

- No.
- Rain check, yeah.

We have no time
for your pansexual shenanigans.

- Little time crunch.
- We have a favor to ask though.

Oh, anything, you know that.

We need to sneak some drugs
into rehab.

That sounds fun.
How can I help?

You can distract Gabriel.

Gabriel, oh, my gosh,
that dear boy.

That does sound
like an adventure.

Let's do it.

Listen, once again, Marcy,
I apologize.

My behavior was childish
and uncalled for.

You know what, man?
It's okay.

There was no permanent damage.

And at the very least,
it was funny

watching Runks
piss himself, right?

[Chuckles]

Marcy?

I have a confession to make.

I'm scared.

[Exhales] Don't be.

If you could look
into my heart right now--

if you could see
the expansive feelings

that I have for you,

um, you wouldn't be afraid.

Well, when you put it that way,

I think I'd be
fuckin' terrified.

Don't you dare belittle me!

Okay, you know,

probably time
for me to go, Ophelia.

- Wait, don't.
- Thanks for the grub.

Please.
Please, don't.

[Sighs] I'm sorry, Ophelia,

but you're just
a wee bit too intense for me.

I know, I know.

It's this lifestyle
that I've chosen for myself.

I'm so lonely.

Well, I hate to say it,
Ophelia,

but methinks
you need to get laid.

I think you're right.

Well, that's so great.

Let me set you up with someone.

What about Stu?

Dude's a sweetheart,

and he's hung
like a fuckin' hog.

And he's got big balls.

Marcy, that is disgusting!

And he cheated on you.

Yeah, he cheated on me,
not you.

[Sighs] Oh,
you are not getting the point.

I want you.

Okay.
Okay.

So you are a dyke.

Why didn't you say so?

I am totally cool
with that shit.

I'm not a lesbian, Marcy.

I just love you.

[Sighs] Oh, fucksticks.

I want you
to be my first, Marcy--

aside from the Puerto Rican

who fouled my anus
when I was 23.

Okay, that's...
[Chuckles]

really flattering, Ophelia.

And I've been with women.

And that can be really hot
and everything,

but I just don't think
that you and me

have that kind of chemistry.

Well, that's disappointing.

So you'll just spread your legs

for every snake in the garden,

but you won't even consider

my precious flower?

Yeah, pretty much.

Sorry.

Wait, Marcy, it's fine,
it's fine, it's fine.

I understand.

You do?

I'm glad.
Okay.

Okay, so, um,
thank you for coming.

Okay.

And let's do this again.

Sure.
Thank you.

[Taser buzzes]
[Grunts]

I've got you, my darling.

For God's sake,

put them in the right order
this time.

Red, pink, red, pink.

And you can just bend over,

and you can plant
those impatiens.

That's great.

Maybe pull some
of those weeds out--

[Clears throat]

No, no, no, no, no.
You need to leave now.

You are endangering
the sober happiness

of everyone--
Richard!

Gabriel, my dear boy.

I feel like a child
on Christmas morning.

Thank you so much, Hank!

You're welcome, Gaby baby.

We just need to go talk
to Atticus for a minute.

Yeah, sure,
do whatever you want.

Thank you.

- Come to papa.
- Ahh.

Come to papa.

[Smacks lips] Shoo.

Ahh.

[TV turns on]

- [Chuckles]
- Ooh.

[Sighs] Ahh, yes.

[Clears throat]

It's been too long, my friend.

[Cell phone chimes]

[Girls giggling on TV]

Ugh.
Now what?

[Gasps] Hank!

Hello, rapist.
We meet again.

- Ahh!
- Hey, whoa.

Feed me
some fucking inches, dude,

- right fucking now.
- Aah, no.

Tweaker chick, be cool.

What are you looking at,
skank, huh?

You think
you're better than me?

No, no, not better,
just different.

I'll poke your eyes out
and do a puppet show

- with your balls, bitch.
- That's sweet.

Your mother
sucks cocks in hell.

[Squealing] I love you.

We'd like to speak with you
privately.

Anything you have to say to me

can be said
in front of the group.

These people are my friends,

fellow soldiers in the war
against substance abuse.

Not this.

Then I'm afraid you won't
be talking to me today.

[Screams]

[Indistinct yelling]

Get off of me,
you fucking fucks.

- Stop, wait.
- This is so mean.

Why are you doing this to me?

What happened to you, man?

You used to be
decadence incarnate.

Yeah, well,
but look where that got me.

My immortal beloved left me.

No, she left you
because you wouldn't stop

fucking other women.

The drugs made me do it!

No, the drugs did not
make you do it.

- You made you do it.
- [Whimpers]

Me made me do that.
[Crying]

Me made me do it.

Atticus, there is nothing wrong

with a little recreational
occasional drug use

or fucking anyone that wants

to fuck you right back.

You are a rock star.

You deserve it and more.

You have my attention.

I've looked up to you
for years, Atticus.

I'm quite possibly
your biggest fan.

In fact, I was just about
to hit the road

and follow you
from show to show.

This is not just about me.

Think of all the fans
out there.

We have tickets to your shows.

And we've been staying up late
every night,

wondering what it'll be like
to see you live.

What song will he open with?

What will the stage look like?

Well, I'm opening
for Marilyn Manson,

so it won't be
as elaborate as usual.

Hey, that's a killer
double bill.

Technically
we're co-headlining.

But he closes the show
every night,

which makes him the headliner.

I remember when that
cocky teabagging motherfucker

opened for me.

Use this as an opportunity

to show these kids
how it's done.

Don't be a fucking quitter.

It's unbecoming.

Call it a comeback.

Oh, child.

Tell me, what song
would you like me to open with?

What would please you,
sweet, sweet child?

[Mumbles]Step and Fetch It.

Step and Fetch It.

Well, obviously.

All: Obviously.

Come on.
That's a no-brainer.

You guys are making
a lot of sense right now.

I'm not sure if I'm ready
to sacrifice

my hard-won sobriety
just yet,

but we should talk further...

over a glass of wine.

[Doorbell rings]

What is it, pig?

- Is Marcy here?
- No.

Are you sure?
Because--

She was here.
She was, okay?

She left, ten minutes ago.

Okay, well, uh...

her car is still here.

[Laughter]

Okay, I give up.

I'm done lying.

[Laughs]

Come in.

You're not gonna
tase me again, are you?

No, of course not.

[Taser buzzes]

[Knock at door]

What is it?
I'm in the middle of something.

You have to see this
for yourself, sir.

Can't imagine
what the commotion is.

[Snorting]

[Indistinct chatter]

Jesus on the mount!
Somebody call the police!

Oh, nonsense, son.

When in Rome.

[Snorting]

Come on, Gaby baby,

all the cool kids are doing it.

Ahh.

Hello.

It's the right thing
to do, Gabriel.

Just treat yourself.

You've been a good boy, kitten.

You've been a very good boy.

Take a bite out of that peach.

Let the juice
dribble down your chin.

Mmm.

Come on.

[Snorting]

Ahh.

[Cheers and applause]

Boys and girls, meet Ginger.

- Ahh, Ginger!
- ♪ Eat my peach

[snapping fingers]
♪ Blow on my dice

[groaning]

Marcy?

Marcy, are you okay?

[Sighs]

Yeah.

I'm fine.

It's just I'm really pissed
at the crazy bitch.

That tasing shit
really fuckin' hurts.

I know, right?
This is my third time.

[Sighs]

Thanks for coming
to get me, Runks.

Of course.
I got your text.

I really freaked out.

Well, I guess
with all this time

and all the punani in between,

you still love me, huh?

Yes, I do.
Very much so.

And I guess I still love you,

- you dumb fuck.
- Whoa, stop the clock. You do?

[Sighs]

After we called it quits,

things got all weird
and pear-shaped.

And then I took that crazy
fucking detour with Stu.

And we had some good times,

but nothing felt right
ever since.

That's exactly how I feel.

And you're right, you know?
It was fun.

Because, man, I mean,
some of the sex that I've had--

Don't! Don't!
Don't press your luck, Charlie.

Right.
Right, sorry.

[Laughs]
And this little piggy had none.

Aah! No!

- No!
- Ophelia! Ophelia!

Why the fuck
did you chain me up

next to this fucking worm?

You know that I hate
his fucking guts.

Oh, Marcy.
That's the spirit!

You know what?

I was gonna fuckin' chop off

his pathetic, little
fuckin' excuse for a penis

and feed it to my cats.

But maybe you should do it.

Yeah, maybe I should.

I'll cut it off.
I'll eat it myself.

- Oh!
- Okay?

I got a better idea.

Let's make soup out of it.

- Fuck yeah, cock soup!
- Yeah.

- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah, okay.

- Okay, okay.
- Okay.

- There you go.
- Oh, yeah, okay.

That's great.
That's really...

- Good!
- [Grunts] Ow!

I'm not gonna cut his dick off,

you crazy bitch.

And being a fucking feminist

is not about castrating men,
you kooky cunt.

It's about learning to coexist

with these dumb fucks.

And sucking a dick
every once in a while

is not about surrendering
your fuckin' sheness--

which isn't even a word.

And your books are unreadable.

That was
a very beautiful speech, Marcy.

You're a very strong
and beautiful woman.

And you should be fuckin' lucky

you made any cash
off of them at all.

[Taser buzzes]
Oh, fuck!

That fuckin' hurts!

Damn it!
[Taser buzzes]

[Grunts]

Oh, Jesus, that was fun.

[Panting]
Oh, my God.

Can I try?

- No!
- What?

Okay, just once.

We don't wanna kill her.

Just do one more--
[Taser buzzes]

- Okay!
- Whoo-hoo!

- That is a lot of fun.
- It worked.

That's why I'm gonna
do it one more time.

On the toe.
[Taser buzzes]

[Laughter]

♪ That deaf, dumb, and blind kid ♪

♪ sure plays a mean pinball ♪

♪ Hey, hey

♪ he is a pinball wizard ♪

♪ there's got to be a twist ♪

♪ he's a pinball wizard

♪ he's got
such a supple wrist ♪

♪ ah

♪ How do you think he does it? ♪

I don't know.

♪ Yeah, what made him
so good? ♪

What happened to you guys?

Whoo!

Ophelia Robins chained me

to a radiator in my prannies.

- What?
- Excellent, continue.

And then Runks
rescued me--kinda, sorta.

- Oh, that is so romantic.
- [Laughs] Oh.

- My man.
- I know, right?

And--

we're getting married!

- No!
- The Runkles!

- Well, remarried.
- No, you're not.

I need you on tour with me,
you motherfucker.

- I thought the tour was off.
- Not anymore.

I'm back on drugs,
and I'm better than ever.

Yeah, he is!

I-I don't know
what the fuck I was thinking.

So I will take a day off
to get remarried.

No. I tell you
what I will do though,

for both of you,

I'll fuckin' marry you fuckers

on the stage, at the Greek!

I'm a licensed minister.

Of course you are.

What do you think?

Fuck yeah.
Why not?

And then you can bring
your spunky, little fuck bunny

up on the road with us,
and I can finish eating

that chocolate bar out of
her sweet, little, girly bits.

- Okay.
- It's good to be the king!

- Okay.
- Whoo-hoo!

- You guys are coming, right?
- What?

On tour.

We gotta keep writing
this musical.

I write incredibly well
on tour.

I find it inspiring.

Sounds like an adventure.

Think about it,
and then say yes.

I'm gonna go to bed and show
this dedicated fan girl

what it's like to be penetrated
by a ginger God.

No, you are gonna see
what it's like

to get raped by a tweaker!

- Watch that, shit's intense.
- Holy shit.

One of us
is gonna bleed tonight,

and I ain't gonna be me.

I can hardly wait.

I'm gonna miss you, squirt.
[Kisses]

I'll miss you too, dad.

- But it's time to go.
- Yeah.

I need a change of scenery.

I know that feeling.

So hit the road.

What's keeping you?

The truth?

I guess I'm always hoping
that your mom

will take me back,
give me another chance.

Maybe that's your problem, dad.

You see it as winning her back.

But there's no winning
in this game.

You're not some white knight
on a steed.

She's not
some fairy tale princess.

She's just
as fucked up as you are...

and just as incredible.

You know what's funny?

What?

You talk a good game
about living,

loving and fucking
and fighting,

but this whole time,

I've only seen you
with that guy--

troll doll.

Yeah, I can't seem
to scrape him off my shoe.

Uh-oh, that's like the beginning

to every great love story
I know.

He's one of the good guys, dad.

He told me he loved me
last night.

Of course he did.

What took him so long?

Does she have any allergies
I should know about?

Uh, penicillin and lameness.

I know I've failed to make

an excellent impression
on you, sir.

Yeah.

But I really do
enjoy your daughter.

I'm sorry.
"Enjoy" sounds dirty.

And I do enjoy her in that way,
you know, like, sexually.

No.
No, no, no.

But I'm really talking
about the other way, you know?

Like, I love her brain.

She's better than me
and smarter than me.

And I'd like to support
and nurture that

for as long as she'll let me.

Sorry, I guess this is just
my long-winded way of saying

I'll take very good care
of your daughter, sir.

♪ Broken skyline
movin' through the airport ♪

I'm gonna miss you so much.

You better, or I'll rip
that stupid fucking hair

- right out of your head.
- [Gasps]

[Laughs]

I'm so proud of you.

♪

♪ Broken skyline

♪ which way
to love land? ♪

♪ which way
to something better? ♪

♪ which way
to forgiveness? ♪

Don't stand still.

Keep moving.

♪ It's time to move on ♪

[Engine starts]

♪ Get going

♪ what lies ahead

♪ we don't have no way of knowing ♪

♪

♪ under my feet, babe ♪

♪ grass is growing, yeah ♪

♪ it's time to move on ♪

[Sighs]
You wanna take a walk?

No.
[Crying]

I just wanna go back
to my empty nest and cry.

- You want company?
- No.

I think I need a solo cry.

Oh, that sounds kinda
like code for rubbin' one out.

I'm sorry, I'm just--I'm just
trying to keep it light.

[Sighs] I just
can't believe she's gone.

She's not really gone, Karen.

She wants to be a writer,

which means
she's gonna be unemployed

for the next decade.

And then she's gonna have
to move back home

with one of us, preferably you.

[Sighs] Good.

Watching her go,
I don't know, it kinda--

it kinda feels like
the end of something.

It makes you wonder.

About?

If she was the only thing

that was still keeping us
together.

♪ Breaking up a dogfight ♪

♪ like a deer
in the headlights ♪

♪ frozen in real time ♪

♪ I'm losin' my mind

♪ time to move on

♪ to get going

♪ what lies ahead

♪ we don't have
no way of knowing ♪

♪ under my feet, babe ♪