Californication (2007–2014): Season 6, Episode 12 - I'll Lay My Monsters Down - full transcript

Previously
on Californication...

The missus caught me
eating one of her chocolate bars

out of the cleaning lady's
vagina.

Hello, darling.

You fucking
fuck-face!

I would like you to meet
the poet and philosopher...

Holy shit,
that's Marilyn Manson.

Marilyn Manson.

We're talking about
doing a duet together,

maybe a tour of the states.
That'd be really something, eh?

I'm just here
for the narcotics.



- We're getting married!
- Whoo!

The Runkles!

I'll fucking marry you fuckers.

On the stage at the Greek!

Fuck, yeah.
Why not?

You guys are coming on tour,

- all right?
- What?

We gotta keep writing
this musical.

If we're not together,
I don't expect you

to have taken
some vow of celibacy.

Karen, you want me not to see
anybody else, just say the word.

I've decided to go abroad for
an indeterminate amount of time.

I want to make
a literary pilgrimage.

Watching her go, I don't know,



it kind of feels like
the end of something.

Makes you wonder if she was

the only thing that was
still keeping us together.

[Rod Stewart's True Blue]

♪ Never been a millionaire ♪

♪ and I tell you, mama,
I don't care ♪

[Laughter and chatter]

How can you even
debate this shit?

Go.
Hit the road.

Don't look back,
you fucking ninny.

Yeah, right.

- What if--
- "What if, what if."

You've lived
your entire adult life

according to "what if."
What if the one

you think is the one
is not really the one?

Well, what if you
shut your fucking pie hole

- and pour me another drink?
- [Laughs]

You came to see me.

Yeah, but I can't help
where my dreams take me.

Yeah, but what you dream about
when you get there...

that says a lot.

What the fuck is wrong
with that, I ask?

Nothing.

She's pretty amazing,

and in some ways,
she's perfect for me.

It's your eternal dilemma,
isn't it?

Home sweet home versus
the wild call

of the world outside your door.

- Yeah.
- [Spitting]

We know which way you chose,
and you died to regret it.

Says who?
It's not even me talking.

You know that.
I just ask the questions.

Why are you so afraid
to give up and let go?

It's okay, Hank.

We tried and we failed.

It's not the end of the world.

But if I gave up on us,
what would I have left?

The rest of your life.

- Hank?
- Mm. Huh?

You okay?

Phew!
Just a wet dream.

- [Chuckles]
- And why on earth

are you packing so early?

Well, first of all, it's noon,

and second, I'm still leaving
after the show tonight.

Oh.

Which brings us
to the real question,

should I be packing for two?

'Cause I am pretty sure
I could fit

a multitude
of black T-shirts and jeans in--

- [Laughs]
- [Grunts]

Mmm.

Or I could be possibly
persuaded to come back to bed,

- postpone packing.
- Mm-hmm.

Mmm.
Be more persuasive.

Are you pushing my head down?

- [Laughs]
- Oh, my God.

Just a little bit.

[Upbeat music]

- Pull it in!
- I'm trying.

It's okay. All right,
get the dress on, though.

That'll be obscene.
[Overlapping chatter]

And...
I'm hard.

Thanks, Hanky.

- Oh!
- Let me check.

- I--ow!
- You're a liar.

- And I love you for it.
- [Laughs]

That's hardly appropriate.

- Sorry, Milfy Smurf.
- It's okay.

- She's not married yet.
- [Laughs]

Are you sure you want to
go through with this?

Why are you trying to
talk her out of it?

Yeah, why you be trying to
talk me out of it?

Charlie and Marcy Runkle
are the Fred and Ethel Mertz

of our time.
They belongs together.

That's right,
and if you'll excuse me,

Ethel has to make yellow
while Lucy and Ricky

discuss their issues
and whatnot.

[Shoes squeaking on the floor]

[Both laugh]

So I have a chance
to go with Atticus on the road.

- And?
- And I thought maybe...

you would wanna talk about it.

- Fuck, I don't know.
- I shouldn't even factor

into your decision.

Yeah, but you do.
You always do.

Well, Hank,
what do you want me to do?

I mean, say, "Oh, please stay,

let's live happily ever after"?

I can't do that.
You want my permission?

I mean, you're a big boy,
you're gonna

make your own decision
about it anyways.

Besides, I-I thought you were
in a relationship with someone.

Oh, I wouldn't--
I mean, I--

Well, maybe that's
what's good for you then.

Like, a non-relationship
relationship,

'cause you have a hard time

functioning within the confines
of a traditional one.

Well, there was never anything
traditional about us.

Have you heard
from our literary pilgrim?

No, only what she
puts up on Instagram.

Oh.

What's Instagram?

Okay, you guys
work your shit out, huh?

You back together?

I guess not.

Okay, here's the deal.

Me and C.W. Runks
are gonna do this thing.

- And you know why?
- No, why?

Because we're gonna be
fucking happy.

Both: Mm.
- And you know why?

- Why?
- Because it's better

than being fucking miserable
all the time.

This whole time
we've been out here,

it's been like a midlife crisis
roller coaster ride,

- and it's fucking over.
- Okay.

- Now.
- Good.

So let's all just
live happily ever after.

Good? Good?

It's settled?
Good.

What's going on?

Atticus had to sell the plane
to fund the tour,

and the record company
ain't giving him

the kind of support
they used to.

And no thanks
to that nut-job missus of his,

he's having
some serious cash flow problems.

We're back to touring by bus.

Where is that fucking ginger?

He's in the bedroom.

He wants to talk to someone
who understands what it's like

to live with heartbreak.
I told him, you know,

I got lots of experience,

but, no, he doesn't care.
He wants you.

Hey, Atticus.

What's up, rock star?

I can't do the gig
tonight, Hank.

Mm.
Why is that?

I went home this morning,
and got down on bended knee

and asked Natalie
to take me back,

and she told me to fuck off.

I think she's really
done with me,

which is understandable,
given my behavior,

but I've never done
an opening night

without a good luck kiss
from her.

Back in the early days,
she used to give me

this really comprehensive
blowjob, like, balls and all,

- you know?
- [Whistles]

Although I was usually
too wired to come.

That is a--
that's a cute story, buddy,

but I'm afraid
the big rock show must go on.

But I haven't been on a bus
in well over ten years.

It's so embarrassingly
bargain basement.

Are you kidding?
That bus out there?

That's beautiful, that bus.

- Really, do you like it?
- Yes, I love it.

- It's badass, are you kidding?
- You think--

- you think it's cool?
- I--so cool.

It's like a land airplane,

and it's--it's gas-friendly,
eco-fr--

You'll probably
get an award for that shit.

- How do you do it, Hank?
- Do what?

The woman that you love
is out there,

- and you know can't have her.
- Oh.

How do you even
get up in the morning?

Well, booze is always helpful.

And so is the art.

You know,
everything that I write

is either for her or about her,
so I'm with her,

even when I'm not,
in my writing.

That's very moving, Hank.

Mm.
D-don't cry.

Why?

It's...unbecoming.

But you said something moving,
why shouldn't I cry?

Well, what about
your Aussie blokiness,

and the British stiff upper lip,
or whatever the fuck you are?

I think you should
come on tour with me, Hank.

I feel like
if we finish our masterpiece,

our rock opera about love,

maybe we'll both
end up with the girl.

I'll think about it.

In the meantime,

are you ready to rock out
with your cock out?

Oh! [Laughs]

[Steve Jones'
Suffragette City plays]

♪ ♪

♪ Hey, man ♪

♪ oh, leave me alone,
you know ♪

♪ hey, man ♪

♪ oh, won't you
get off the phone? I gotta ♪

♪ hey, man ♪

♪ I gotta straighten my face ♪

♪ this mellow-thighed chick
just put my spine out of place ♪

♪ it's out of sight ♪

You gotta admit,
this is pretty cool.

It's like Disneyland every day.

Yeah,
without the morbidly obese

riding around on scooters.

Even the concept of time
is different, you know?

Yeah.

It's rock and roll
fucking summer camp forever.

Well, it's gotta end
at some point, doesn't it?

Says who?

All roads lead back home
eventually.

[Scoffs]
Sounds like a country song.

- Really? I mean--
- Hey.

You're Faith, right?

Yep.
That's me.

I'm Vince from Mysstery.
Two "S"s.

We're opening the show tonight.

Well, hey, Vince from Mysstery

with two "S"s.
Good luck up there.

Cool. Thanks.

Uh, wondering if maybe
you wanna come hang on our bus.

It's the one that says
"Cat Club."

We call it that because
if chicks wanna come on,

we ask them to pee
in this litter box

that we keep by the front door.

See, this way we know

for sure that they're willing
to party.

Well, I'm free.
I got a full bladder.

I don't think, uh,
you'd have to do that, though,

'cause, you know,
you're pretty famous and all.

Wow, well, thanks for the
preferential treatment and all,

- Vince, but--
- What?

We're not big enough
for the legendary Faith?

No, no,
it's not like that at all.

But if you're gonna
be a dick about it,

I can just come clean.

You're just not really
that talented.

I've heard your album

and it's really shitty
mall metal,

so if I were you,
I would just quit now,

and maybe Hot Topic will
hire you back for the summer.

Wow.
You are kind of a bitch.

Hey, watch your manners, son.

That's no way to talk
to a lady.

Fuck off, dad.

You know what this calls for.

- Titty twister!
- [Screams]

♪ Don't lean on me, man ♪

♪ 'cause you can't afford
the ticket ♪

♪ back on suffragette city ♪

♪ don't lean on me, man ♪

♪ 'cause you ain't got time
to check it ♪

♪ you know
my suffragette city ♪

♪ it's out of sight ♪

[Cheers and applause
in the distance, nearing]

[Over P.A.] Good evening,
Los Angeles.

You wanted the best.

Well, they got stuck in traffic
coming up the fucking hill.

From London, England,
by way of Mars,

the Bacardi Concert Series
presents

Atticus fucking Fetch!

[Cheers and applause]

[Rock and roll fanfare]

♪ ♪

Good luck out there.

Not that you need it.

You are a fucking rock star.

♪ ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[Playing Step 'n' Fetch It]

♪ ♪

♪ I'm a slave
to your motherfucking love ♪

♪ it's a shame I've had
e-motherfucking-nough ♪

♪ I'm a slave
to your motherfucking love ♪

♪ it's a shame I've had
a motherfucking [Indistinct] ♪

♪ I am not your goddamn bitch ♪

♪ fuck you
and your step and fetch it ♪

♪ step and fetch it ♪

♪ step and fetch it,
baby, now! ♪

♪ ♪

It's a long way
from church, huh?

Are you kidding me?

[Playing "Preggers and Poor"]

- ♪ Preggers and poor ♪
- ♪ Preggers and poor ♪

♪ bed on the floor ♪

♪ wolves at the door ♪

- ♪ Preggers and poor ♪
- ♪ Preggers and poor ♪

[Fades to different song]

♪ Right between the fire! ♪

♪ ♪

[Cheers and applause]

Do you, bald fucking wanker,

take this sexy,
little tree stump

to be your immortal beloved?

I most certainly do...
do.

Whoo!

Right, and do you,
delicious, little spinner

with whom I have shared
an sexual encounter

which will sustain me
well into my golden years...

He's--he's kidding.
Not really.

- Take this...
- Not really.

...sweaty, hairless pinhead to be

the very last sexual partner
of your entire life?

Jesus.

Woman: Don't do it!

Well, when you put it
like that...

let's do's it.
I do's it.

[Cheers and applause]

Yay. Good.

An ovation.
Stick it on there, dude.

[Cheers and applause]

By the power vested in me

by the Sun Kil Moon Ministry
of Northern California,

I now pronounce you
wife and early man!

- Oh, whoa! Ho!
- [Laughs]

Woman: I want a kiss!
Man: I want some!

[Cheers and applause]

Have a little.

Now, while we're here,
does anyone else feel like

getting wedded on this glorious,
glorious L.A. evening?

Anyone? Anyone?

Woman: Me!

Anyone?

Karen.

[Acoustic guitar playing]

♪ ♪

Karen, be with me.

Spend the rest of your life
with this fool,

and this fool will
spend the rest of his life

making sure
you don't regret it.

What do you say, baby?
Man: Yeah! Say yes!

Will you be my wife?

♪ ♪

No? Nobody?

Really?

No?

Then get the fuck off my stage.
Be gone, all of you.

[Cheers and applause]

[Playing "So Long
(As We Are Together)"]

I wrote this next song
for my wife Natalie,

in hope that she'd forgive me.
Although, if she did,

I'd probably just bugger it up
all over again. [Chuckles]

But tonight, I'm gonna play it
for my good friend

and collaborator Hank Moody,

who knows a thing or two
about heartbreak himself.

♪ ♪

♪ I saw your weeping eyes ♪

♪ reflected in the window ♪

♪ of a Boeing 727 ♪

♪ ♪

♪ look down
at the city's door ♪

♪ it's slowly growing tiny ♪

♪ as the sunset turned
hell's kitchen into heaven ♪

♪ ♪

♪ you turned your face to me ♪

♪ and I tucked your hair
behind your ears ♪

♪ said nothing can go wrong ♪

♪ so long as we are together ♪

♪ so long as we are ♪

♪ so long ♪

♪ ♪

♪ so long as we are together ♪

[Laughs]

Wait, you look familiar.

Hank Moody.

- Manson.
- Come on.

Thank you for coming
to my motherfucking show.

Hi, Brian.

[Both laugh]

Actually, I'm surprised
that you came.

I just want to make it clear,

I was just fucking with you.
I would not

give drugs to your daughter.
[Spits]

Because I need them for later.

By the way, how is the kid?
'Cause--

- She's great.
- Good. Good.

Would you get her
to send me the picture

- of me tea-bagging Atticus?
- I will do.

'Cause I want to put that
on my Facebook.

Will do.

- Boom.
- Boom.

Okay, and if you guys
aren't together,

I would pee in your butt.

- What?
- Drink, please.

[Phone ringing]
It's-it's--

it's Becca.

- Hey--hey, sweetie.
- Hi, dad!

How's the road treating you?

It's so beautiful
out here, dad.

I'm having the time of my life.

And tomorrow,
we leave for Europe.

Glad to hear it.

Are you happy, dad?

That--that--
that's a loaded question.

I was just thinking
about what I want

for all the people in my life,
and I realized

that I just want you
to be happy.

I want to see you smile
and know you mean it.

Are you high right now?

Significantly.

We just smoked
some killer weed.

Well, of course, you did.

Um, be careful, okay, sweetie?

And have fun,
just not too much fun.

Don't worry, dad.
All roads lead back home.

Ugh, that sounds like
a country song.

I love you, dad.

I love you too, sweetie.

Hey--hey, wait, will you, uh,
do me a favor

and send Manson that pic
of him tea-bagging Atticus?

Okay. Will do.

Okay, sweetie.
I love you.

♪ I live a life
that's surreal ♪

♪ where all that I feel
I am learning ♪

I'm coming with you.

♪ Life has been turned
on the lathe ♪

Mm, that makes me
so very happy.

♪ Oh, in time ♪

♪ it's all a sweet mystery ♪

♪ when you shake
the tree of temptation ♪

♪ oh, and I ♪

♪ I know the fear
and the cost ♪

♪ of a paradise lost
in frustration ♪

♪ ♪

♪ and the flame still burns ♪

♪ it is there in my soul
for that unfinished goal ♪

♪ and the flame still burns ♪

[Fading out]
♪ from a glimmer up there ♪

Good for you, man.
You made the right decision.

Besides, even if you actually
had the balls to do it,

and she actually said yes,
what would you have done?

I would've married her
right then and there.

And then what? You would have
fucked like rabbits

for a couple days,
you would have had

some sweet, little pillow talk,
and then one day,

she asks you
to go to Home Depot with her.

- [Laughs]
- Party's over.

You know, you talk a good game,

but I was with you
when you died.

And you were about to do it.
You were gonna take

one last shot
at the love of your life, buddy.

Sure, I would've
given it a try.

Maybe I could've even got her
back in the sack again,

but eventually,
you get out of bed.

You're still you.
All the problems you ever had,

they're still there.

So you're just
supposed to give up?

It's not about giving up.
It's about letting go,

finally accepting who you are.

Guess who.

God, I can't wait for her to die
and come to hell.

Whew!

Karen?

Karen!

[Sighs]

You have to go, don't you?

Yeah, I do.

I'm sorry, I do.

[Laughs]

Don't be.

Just--
[Laughs]

You just don't know
what you're gonna be missing.

I do.

That's what makes this so hard.

I could love you, you know.

- Oh, Faith.
- And...

I'm not saying that I do.

I'm saying that I could.

Which is rare for me
and deserves to be acknowledged.

You understand me better
than any guy I've ever met.

You get me, and that...

that has been
the nicest feeling.

[Sighs] I'm just sayin'.

And I'm just sayin' that
you're pretty fucking amazing.

I hope you find what
you're looking for out here.

I hope you find what
you're looking for back there.

I'll even say a prayer for you.

Just not a very big one.

[Both chuckle]

God, I hate
saying good-bye to you.

Then don't.

You know what?

The great thing about
never really being together?

Never really have to break up.

Hank, get the fuck
out of here...

before I wrap my legs around you
and convince you to stay,

and you know I can do it.

Ugh. Well.

What is this?
What--ah, whoa!

What's going on?

Hank has to go.

He's gotta see a horse
about a girl.

This is about
following your bliss?

About what we were talking about
in bed yesterday?

- Is this about love?
- It is.

Then you must go.

We can't turn the bus around,
but I can send an emissary.

[Sobs] I'm sorry, crying again.

Don't be sorry.
It's unbecoming.

All right, you...go.

My work here is done.

[Sighs] I release you
to your happily ever after.

[Beth Hart's My California]

♪ ♪

♪ Calling California ♪

♪ is there anybody home? ♪

♪ Hello, California ♪

♪ won't you please
pick up the phone? ♪

♪ I want to say I love you ♪

♪ but I'm
a million miles away ♪

♪ and I am thinking of you ♪

♪ I miss you and L.A. ♪

♪ for you and you alone ♪

I know he means
a great deal to you,

as he does to me, and I just
want you to know that...

I'm here for you
if you need me.

Emotionally, spiritually,

and obviously sexually.

Thank you, Atticus.

I'm serious, darling.

Sometimes an orgasm
can relieve heartache.

I've done a lot of research
into the area.

Could I at least get
a good luck kiss?

I do have a gig tonight,
you know.

I'm a bit nervous.

♪ ♪

♪ I have made you suffer ♪

♪ left you waiting
in the rain ♪

♪ while I was chasing demons ♪

♪ in the deserts of my pain ♪

♪ you know me better than ♪

♪ the poison in my veins ♪

♪ so, my love, remember ♪

♪ when God forgets my name ♪

♪ for you and you alone ♪

♪ I'll lay my monsters down ♪

♪ and I'll watch the sun
come up ♪

I know you're not one
for emoting, Krull,

but thank you.

I had a bird once.
Love of my life she was.

I fucked it up, of course.

I thought there'd be time,
you know?

Turns out there's just roads,

long and paved with potholes.

I read that once in a book.

Go and get her, pal.

♪ ♪

♪ I'll leave my winters
in the sand ♪

♪ hey, California ♪

♪ California ♪

♪ over California ♪

♪ for you and you alone ♪

♪ I will find my way
back home ♪

♪ and I'll love you ♪

♪ like the sun
loves California ♪