Californication (2007–2014): Season 5, Episode 5 - The Ride-Along - full transcript

Previously
on Californication...

You're so beautiful
you're almost ugly.

It's off putting. I'm Hank.

It was nice to meet you, Hank.

Bye, Miss never got your name.

But I wanna do my own thing,
my own moment.

Santa Monica Cop is my
Eddie Murphy moment right now!

Get your sexy ass over here.

Hank Moody, this is my prot?g?, Kali.

Better not be hitting on my girl.
What's up, man?

You should be at Starbucks
writing me some funny shit, man.



I... I don't think I can do it.

Keep your paws off her.
And your fucking penis.

I'd like to introduce you
to Richard Bates.

Haven't touched the stuff

since Slick Willy
was in the White House.

Pour me another.

He unveiled his beautiful man-pussy.

How's Becca?

The boyfriend,
I wanna kill him, Hank.

Hey, Tyler.

This... This is...
This is not what it looks like.

This is my sister.

What the fuck was that all about?

Some guy my daughter's seeing.



I think he's gonna break her heart.

Maybe we should break his legs first.

Tyler was leaving some club
in Hollywood,

and he got jumped
by a bunch of gangbangers.

Wow.

Killing bad guys is your business,
and business be fucking crackin', yo.

That's right, motherfucker.

Know who that is?

Uh, no, it... It looks kinda like
Ryan Seacrest, though.

What the fuck you got
against Ryan Seacrest, man?

Nothing in particular.
The guy just bugs the shit outta me.

Why? This motherfucker, he works
hard, make millions of dollars,

and he got a fucking catchphrase,
which I don't have, all right?

And you wanna kill him dead?

That's some harsh shit, Moody.

You got too much
negative energy in you.

You need to work
that shit the fuck out.

Well, excuse me.

No, that's fucking Kali's
new boyfriend right there, man.

Oh, she's got a...
A new boyfriend, does she?

I don't know, man, but she moved out
of my fucking crib last week,

talking about she ain't comfortable

mixing business and pleasure any more.

What kinda shit is that, man?

Did... Did she say she was
seeing someone else?

Fuck no.

But I know how that shit goes, man.

I mean, somebody
gotta be tapping that ass,

cos that ass is too fine
not to be tapped.

And that Mr Someone will get his
motherfucking dick shot the fuck off.

Hey, you know,
don't do anything crazy, Sam you am.

You know, you're...

You're mere months away
from becoming an A-list raptor.

- What the fuck is that?
- Rapper turned actor. Get it?

- No, I don't get that.
- I like it.

Whatever.

Fucking bitch just
drives me crazy, man.

You know what,
maybe it's the case of a nigga

who wants some shit he can't have.

True dat.

This nigga has often fell prey to that
on some occasions.

I'm sorry. My bad.

I mean, you know,
I'm in the wrong there.

What you doing tonight, man?

- Hmm?
- What you doing tonight?

- Nothing.
- Wrong.

You're rolling with me
on a ride-along.

A ride-along?

Yeah, with the real Santa Monica PD.

I gotta get my fucking cop.

Really wanna be authentic,
you know what I mean?

And I need to hit the streets
to get the feel for this shit.

And you need to be taking
some fucking notes, all right?

So be there or be six feet under,
motherfucker.

You gotta go.

Oh, I don't gotta do nothing.

Good god, man, it's a ride-along.

At the absolute worst,
it'll be an absolute fucking blast.

Look, sooner or later,
this guy's gonna find or figure out

that I'm fucking the object
of his gangstery affections

and, when that happens, I'm toast.
Bloody, bullet-ridden toast.

I still think you should go.

And I think you should be
on my side for once.

You should be focused on protecting
my ass, not just my career.

Your career is just fine, buddy boy.

You are the guy who got
Santa Monica Cop a green light.

Wow. There's a dubious honour.

Dubious or not,
I got serious interest in you

for a whole bunch of projects.

That's great. Really?

Well, why am I just
hearing about it now?

Why just as an aside? What are they?

I don't know.

I got 'em written down
on a buck slip somewhere.

Worst agent ever.

I'll tell you what,
I will go with you.

Keep you out of harm's way.

I will be your human Kevlar.
It's no problem, none at all.

That's just the kind of service
you get for your 10%.

Bullshit, you just wanna
ride in the police car.

Ever since I was a little boy.

You're here, you're queer
and I'm used to it.

- But you're not invited.
- But I could be, right?

I could tag along

for the ride-along.

I feel like crushing
one of your testicles right now.

Does that mean I can go?

Fine, let's go, Powder.

I hope you get killed
in the line of duty.

This feels unnatural to me,

voluntarily arriving
at a police station.

I like it.
Smells like crime, punishment

and the urine
of homeless men and women.

Where is that fucking lunatic?

Hands behind your back, motherfucker.

- Cos you under arrest.
- What the fuck for?

For jerking off on the job, Dr Evil!

What the fuck?

I scared the shit out you.

Hey, hey, do your Runkle imitation
for Runkle himself. Check it out.

Huh?

I don't see what's
so funny about that.

It's not even realistic.
Did you watch the video?

It was more like this.

Whoo!

- That's true.
- Commando.

Hey, what the fuck he doing here, man?
I didn't invite him.

Fucker invited himself. Tell him.

I always wanted to ride in a cop car.

It's a boyhood dream, actually.

Well, keep your mouth shut
and your dick in your pants, a'ight?

A'ight.

- A'ight.
- A'ight.

Shotgun.

So this is it, boys.

Welcome to the jungle. Take a whiff.

Sorry, that was me.

Hey, look, I'll be honest with you,

there's not a whole lot
of glamour to the profession.

Are you kidding?
This is fucking awesome.

Can I turn this light on?

- No.
- Can I pull someone over?

And stop touching stuff.
Come on, man, you're like a big baby.

Hey, that's exactly what I always say.

Any available unit
in the vicinity of Pico and 23rd,

possible B&E in progress.

Ain't you gonna get that, man?
That shit's close by.

Nah, somebody will get it.

Eventually.

Sounds pretty unpleasant.

Besides, I gotta babysit
you bedwetters.

So what's this movie about?

It's about Hollywood's need to recycle

even the lamest ideas
in an effort to maximise...

Stuff. I don't know.

- I'm out. I got nothing.
- Shut the fuck up, Moody.

You're too cynical, man.

You need to look at the world
through the eyes of a child

like Runkle here.

Ooh.

Hey, yo. It's about a tough kid
who grew up in Compton,

becomes a cop,
gets transferred over to Santa Monica

and uses his street smarts
to fuck up whitey.

Oh, so it's like Beverly Hills Cop.

- You are correct, sir.
- Everybody keeps saying that shit.

Nah, man, it's based in Santa Monica.

Yeah, it's set in Santa Monica.

Hey, hey, hey, Mr Officer, sir,

that guy is clearly
texting while driving.

Let's get him.

Who gives a fuck?

Who doesn't? I do it all the time.

I'd be a hypocrite if
I pulled somebody over for that shit.

You imagine getting
pulled over for texting?

Wouldn't that just
chap your fucking hide?

Fuck, man.

What's your take
on drunk driving, Officer?

Uh, that's a good question, writer.

- Thank you.
- That depends really.

Mostly on the cut of their jib.

If the guy's a real d-bag,
his ass is mine.

He is going down.

And the same thing for a hot chick.

- Down on this.
- Oh-ho! All right.

Get a load of Bad Lieutenant.

Hey, yo, you ever shoot
a motherfucker before?

Just once.

Kind of a sad story, actually.

It was a little kid.
I mean, I thought the kid had a piece.

Turns out it was an iPod touch.

Bet he was black. Was he black?

- Was he black?
- Of course he was black.

Why do you think I shot first?

This nigga, man.

Cop or no cop, man,
he pull this fucking car over,

I'm gonna bitch smack
that motherfucker.

Church.

Hey, Runks,
get your shit together, man.

Uh, I'm sorry. I was just...
I was thinking about little Stewie.

He's always playing
with his iPod touch.

He's got this app on it

that makes it sound
like a gun, you know?

He used to love to point it at Irma

and... and pretend to shoot her
in the head execution style.

- That's adorable.
- Jesus.

There but for the grace of God, huh?

I'm just fucking with you morons.

Never pulled my piece out on the job.

Never. Not once.

Too bad the same can't
be said for Runks, huh?

Don't ask.

Hey, hey, hey, who's hungry?

I can't believe this,
we're actually sitting around

watching a cop eat doughnuts.

I know, it's a clich?,

but they're so fucking
delicious, you know?

Plus doughnuts got sugar and carbs,

which adds up to
a quick burst of energy.

Coffee keeps me awake and alert.

Hot call comes in, I'm fucking ready.

You getting all this, writer?
You need me to talk slower?

It's all right up here.

Fill 'er up, Dotty.

This shit is fucking boring, yo.

If I want to sit around
and eat doughnuts all night,

I coulda stayed home and
smoked some fucking weed, man.

Hey, you wanted to see what
a night in the life of a cop is like.

This is it. I drive around.
I try not to get myself killed.

And I feed the pain
that comes from knowing

that I put my life on the line
night after fucking night.

That and the pain of dealing
with a messy divorce.

Banging a fucking fireman.
You believe that shit?

Chick must really have
a thing for guys in uniform.

Yeah, ever since 9/11,
fucking firemen get all the pussy.

Hmm.

Hey, you see that chick right there?

- Total pro.
- Wow, how can you tell?

Years of experience, my friend.

Hey, hey, how much
you think she charges?

Ah, 25 bucks will get you some
suction. Gotta wear a rubber though.

50 bucks, she'll let you
throw deli meat at her ass.

75, she'll let you tase her.

Why would anybody want to do that?

People are sick, man.

I'm just telling you what's on
the menu with these broads.

Hey, Runkle, how much to tase you?

Hey, hey, Mr Samurai, sir,

I've actually been tased,
and it is no fun.

- Yeah. No, it is.
- No fun at all.

It's fun.

That said, I'd probably do it
for a crisp hundy.

- Oh, yeah? All right, I'll throw in.
- Each. Each maybe.

- Ah, shit, it's happening.
- What's happening?

My heart. Another fucking episode.

- God damn it!
- Are you sure?

Yeah, got an intense pain in my chest.

Arms are going all numb.

Something not good
is definitely happening

to my body right now.
I'm stroking out over here.

You guys are gonna have to drive me
to the fucking hospital, OK?

I'm calling my agent, man.

- I'm right here.
- My new agent.

Now, now, let's not be rash.
UTK is a unique agency.

Our ability to package
is unparalleled.

Hey, hang on, I'll take care of this,
then I'll take care of you.

OK, what, 911 it is.

OK, man down!

God damn.

And one minute,
you're eating a doughnut,

waxing all poetic.

The next, you're stroking out
all over the floor.

That kinda makes you think, huh?

About laying off the doughnuts, sure.

You think he's gonna be OK?

I don't know,
he seemed pretty tweaked.

I do know that he appreciated
you holding his hand

- the entire time, though, Runks.
- Well, what do you think, Sam?

I think we should add
a stroke scene to the script, man.

- Stroke scene?
- I can pull that shit off no problem.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice.

We best be thinking about
getting ourselves a cab, huh?

Oh, wait a minute,
maybe one of your crew guys

- can come pick us up?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Call the midget.
I love that little dude.

That little nappyheaded nigga, man.

Yeah, Mr Lowercase T.

Nah, man.

Oh, no, no, no. I don't think
that's a very good idea, Sam.

No, we could really
get in a lot of trouble.

For what? Just gonna take it back
to the police station.

Charlie, it's the right thing to do.
The moral thing, the polite thing.

I just don't wanna get in any trouble.

What's up, Adam-12? I thought
it was your boyhood fucking dream

to ride in a police car.

And I have fulfilled that dream.

Now it's time we should
all go home and reflect.

- Shotgun!
- Hey, hey, guys, where you going?

You're just gonna
leave me here, is that it?

Yep, it looks like you're just
gonna leave without me.

OK, OK, I'm coming. Can I drive?

Could have at least
let me sit in the front.

I called shotgun.

There's nothing to do back here.

Shut the fuck up, Runkle.

You're like a small child
back there, man.

And it's pissing me the fuck off.

Boring.

This motherfucker
driving all fucking slow.

Watch this, watch this.

Pow, motherfucker!

Excuse me, but I really think
we're playing with fire here now, Sam.

I don't know if you're aware,

but, but, but Hank has only
recently finished his probation, so...

For what, being a fucking rapist?

Hey, stop it with
all that rapist shit, OK?

I'm sensitive about that.

Oh, come on, man,
I say that shit with love, man.

That's what I like about you, man.
You're an outlaw, man. Truth.

- Bong, bong.
- Bong, bong.

I prefer raper to rapist.

Oh, shit. Grab the wheel for me.

Oh!

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

You probably want
to put that on speaker.

- Yo, what up, man?
- Fine, have it your way.

What? No, I signed for nothin'.

Fuck that. I'll be right there.

- Be right where?
- My boy saw Kali up in the club

getting cosy with
some clownass nigga, man.

Well, we're going back to
the police station first, right?

- You're gonna drop us off.
- Something tells me no.

Fuck that, you gotta strike
when the iron fist is hot.

Yeah, but what if
something bad goes down?

You don't want any
witnesses around, do you?

No, I do want witnesses, man.

Especially some white
motherfuckers, man.

- Oh, why, cos we're white?
- Yeah, cos you white, motherfucker.

Cops believe white motherfuckers.

You got my back, right?
Y'all got my back, right?

You'd lie for me, right?

Not if it's against the law.

You lie for a living, motherfucker.

Man's got a point.

Officer, I think
someone's following me.

Feel like I'm in danger.

Get the fuck outta here, streetwalker.

Can't you see we're working, man?
We on a stakeout.

No, that's not nice.
The lady says she's in danger.

You just want a free hummer,
don't you?

Come on inside here, sweetheart.

That's the way you treat a lady.

Thank you. Ooh, my dogs are barking.

Aw.

How's business tonight?

It's a little slow, actually.

There she is.

All right, all right,
what do you say we just...

We, we leave the car out of this
and we proceed on foot.

Stop worrying about the goddamn car,
you fucking ninny.

Can I do it?

Fuck yeah, go for it.

How come he gets to do it?

Cos I like him better, man.

That's right, we're pulling
you over, motherfucker!

Pull over to the right.

What are you, stupid?
Your other right, jackass.

There you go.

So what's the move here,
good cop, bad cop, bald cop?

No, how 'bout bad cop, bad cop,

bald cop stays in the fucking car?

Works for me.

That was sweet of you to let me in.

Give me shelter from the storm.

It's nothing.

Who likes to see a lady in danger?

Not this cop.

Lieutenant Charles W. Runkle.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too, Officer.

- So you a detective?
- Mmm-hmm. Yep.

I like to take a couple of the rookies
out on a 587 now and again,

make sure they know their shit.

It's just good
old-fashioned police work.

Well, how 'bout a good
old-fashioned blowjob?

This one's on me,

cos you're an officer and a gentleman.

Ohh!

Out of the car, ma'am.

Hank.

Licence and registration,
motherfucker.

Come on, look alive.

What the fuck?

He's really pissed. He misses you.

You know, this is why
I moved out of his place,

because he is a fucking psycho.

Yeah, but we got to talk about this,

cos sooner or later
he's gonna find out about us.

How? I'm not gonna tell him.

- Are you gonna tell him?
- No fucking way.

So we don't have a problem.

Yeah.

Now I know where the fuck you live at.

Get out the car.

He's really kind of sweet, in a way.

Hank, I know you think
he's all warm and cuddly.

Oh, no, I don't.

I'm just saying to watch yourself.

I am watching myself.

I try to get out, but he pulls
me back in with the money.

And, uh, the money.

And, and... Oh, the exceptional weed.

And, wow, you look really hot tonight.

You know, I'm thinking
maybe I should handcuff you

just to be safe.

What was I doing wrong, Officer?

You tell me.

Turn around.

- You been drinking?
- No, sir, not at all.

Not at all? Bullshit.
You was at the club, wasn't you?

Step over there.

Something smell funky to me, nigga.

Smell like pussy.
You been drinking pussy?

- No.
- No what?

No, I haven't been
drinking pussy, Officer.

What, this girl pussy ain't
good enough for you to drink?

I'm sure she got
a very drinkable pussy.

We just haven't gotten there yet.

You think you gonna get there?

I think I can close this, yeah.

Think you can close this.
What if she's somebody else's girl?

Well, then I say that that
someone else in question

isn't doing a good job
making her happy.

Is that what you say, nigga?

- Calvin, what the fuck are you doing?
- What are you, crazy?

This motherfucker
disrespecting both of us.

- Wait, you know this guy?
- You want me to call 911?

So that you can deal
with the real cops?

Fuck that. Look, I want you
to come home with me, a'ight?

Forget all this bullshit.

- Fuck you.
- Wait a second, you ain't a real cop?

Shit, you could have fooled me.

I'm gonna take that
as a compliment, motherfucker.

I ain't gonna apologise
for fucking your legs up.

I know where the fuck you live.

Keep your hands off my bitch.

Wait a second. Does that mean
you're Samurai Apocalypse?

- Oh, shit.
- Oh, shit.

Oh, shit!

God, you give an exceptional blowjob.

I mean, seriously.

Something to be said
for putting in the time.

Have you read Outliers?
Malcolm Gladwell.

He claims that the secret
to success in any field

is a simple matter

of practising a specific task
for, mmm, about 10,000 hours.

What, you wanna suck my dick now?

What?

You want me to take mine out?

Want me to put it in your mouth?

Your dick?

Buck up, buddy boy.

It doesn't matter. You didn't know.

It... It doesn't count.

- Did you know?
- Of course. Didn't you know?

Fuck yeah, Hank.
See the size of that Adam's apple?

Shit, do I look ignorant to you?

No, no, you look like a guy

who could spot a tranny hooker
from a mile away. Respect.

Motherfucking right, man.

Shit, this bitch Kali got
my fucking heart on fire, man.

Yeah, I know how that feels, brother.

- But you know what Sting says.
- What does Sting say?

He says that if you love somebody,

you set them free.

- Sting says that?
- Yep, he sure does.

- You're fucking with me, man.
- No, he says that.

He sings about it in a Sting song.

That saying been around
since the Stone Ages.

Yeah, well, Sting's the one
who wrote a song about it.

- You think I'm dumb don't you, Moody?
- No, I don't.

Then why are you always
fucking condescending to me?

I'm not condescending to you.
I'm relating, you know.

You know I got a fucking
broken heart right now, right?

I do know that. Yes, I know.

Fucking Jersey Shore ass nigga, man,

sticking his pencil dick
in my sweet pound cake.

Yeah, I relate. You know,
right now, the love of my life

is getting pounded by some
omnisexual chicken hawk.

Doesn't feel good.

Nah.

It could be worse.

Yeah, how?

Coulda just had your dick
drained by a tranny hooker.

True dat.

It's not funny! Why are you laughing?

Oh, man.

Oh.

Becca, hey, sweetie.
I thought you weren't talking to me.

Wait, hold up.

Slow down, slow down, slow down.

It's back?

OK, I gotta see this. We'll be there.

- What's up?
- Somewhere we gotta go.

Let's go deep.

You OK, baby? What happened?

See for yourself.

It was amazing, Hank.

It's the coolest thing
that I've ever seen.

What? It was, I'm sorry.

- Richard.
- Peek-a-boo and fine wine.

- Come on up, honey.
- Come, get down now.

I can't remember the song.

- Karen.
- Jesus.

What the fuck are you doing here?

It's a long story and, ultimately,

not as interesting
as what's happening here.

What happened?

Tyler switched drinks,

thought it would be funny
to watch him get drunk.

Jesus, that kid really is a young me.

Hey, Batesy!

Hank, god damn it!
It's great to see you!

I'm so glad you could make it.

Good to see you too, man.
Loving that mangina.

Thank you. It is fucking liberating.

Hey, you wanna come down
and put some clothes on

before the law gets here?

No, no, nonsense. I'm tucked.

You know, I was just telling Karen

I used to fuck guys
like Tyler back in prison.

Did I ever tell you about
the year I spent behind bars?

- No.
- Yeah, I was researching a novel

about prison life, so I knocked over
a little liquor store.

The research was great,

but there was an unexpected gift.

I fell in love there, Hank.

- Twice. Two very different men.
- Mmm-hmm.

And we still keep in touch.

I gotta tell you, men in prison
make exceptional pen pals.

Letters like fucking short stories.

You remember
your first short story, Hank?

- Yeah.
- Finishing mine

gave me a thunderous erection.

You remember your first erection?

Yeah, I had a big crush

on the blonde from
The Beverly Hillbillies.

Elly May Clampett.

Spilt a lot of boy milk
to that foxy little tramp.

Yeah.

You know, thanks to that fine memory,

the blood is starting
to flow down south.

This could be
pretty hard to tuck in a minute.

- I hear you.
- I'm going for a run.

Give me a hug.
There you go, show me love.

There you go.

I love you, babe.

Don't wait up.

Hey, hey, hey.

You want me to go after him?

No, I don't. Just let him run it off.

- Hey, Tyler, not cool.
- I'm speechless.

- Not cool.
- I am speechless.

- Not cool at all.
- I know, I know.

OK, I'm sorry, all right?

- I feel bad, I do, OK?
- Yeah.

But, look, Becca told me
all these stories

about how crazy he gets
when he drinks.

And, look, it was just...
It was too tempting.

All right, much as I hate to say it,
I understand, but...

Besides, he was being a total dick.

It's like he was
standing in for you tonight.

Literally giving me a hard time

about every single word that
was coming out of my mouth.

Shit just gets tiring, you know,
and I just hit my limit.

Yo, an order of aji, yo, man.

Is he with you by any chance?

- Who, that?
- Yeah.

- That woman?
- No, him.

Oh, him? Officer Dolemite over there?

No, I've never seen him
before in my life.

Yeah? Cos I'm pretty sure he was there

the night I got my ass kicked.

Really? That would be
quite a coinkydink.

You sure you're not just being racist?

- You gotta check that shit.
- Yo, Moody.

You seen that fucking
naked guy run outta here?

Fucking dick swinging,
some real white boy shit, yo.

Crazy.

Hey, yo.
Yo, ain't this the little Romeo

we had to smack down at
the club the other night?

Yes, yes, it is. Good to see you.

Good to see you, too.
You're healing real good, son.

Thanks.

Dad, what did you do?

Nothing. I did... I did nothing.

- Will you tell them?
- Will you answer her?

- Tell 'em.
- Tell 'em what?

That I... That I didn't do anything
of that nature.

No, he ain't do anything though,

but I knew it was important to him,
so I took care of it.

That's what we do for each other.

I'd be happy to do it again,
if necessary.

It's not necessary.

Let's go.

They make a cute couple, man.

I don't see why you getting so
fucking bent up about it.

Thanks. That was very helpful.

Cool, let's get some sake.

Unfiltered sake, Nigori.

I wanna see some new
pages tomorrow, Moody.

What exactly have we learned tonight?

Our boy Runkle learned what it's like
to cum in a tranny hooker's mouth.

Thank you, Sam. Thank you so much.

I'd almost managed
to stop thinking about it

for five whole seconds there.

Gargle, gargle, yo.

Holy shit, yo. Check that out.

What the fuck?

- Batesy!
- Hey!

Hey, want a ride?

Oh, I don't mind if I do.

Well, get on in.

Thanks, boys. Who's up for a cocktail?

Oh, fuck.