Californication (2007–2014): Season 5, Episode 6 - Love Song - full transcript

Previously on
Californication...

- Come on up, honey.
- Tyler switched drinks,

thought it would be funny
to watch him get drunk.

Jesus, that kid really is a young me.

Give me a hug. There you go.

Don't wait up.

Is he with you by any chance?

No, I've never seen him
before in my life.

Yo, ain't this the little Romeo
we had to smack down at

the club the other night?

Yes, yes, it is.



Dad, what did you do?

I did... I did nothing.
Will you tell them?

I knew it was important to him,
so I took care of it.

That's what we do for each other.

Well, that's plenty of time
to take Kali out.

Good Job. Keep your motherfucking
paws off her, Moody.

And your fucking penis.

No, that's fucking Kali's
new boyfriend right there, man.

Oh, she's got a...
A new boyfriend, does she?

Sooner or later
he's gonna find out about us.

I'm not gonna tell him.
Are you gonna tell him?

- No fucking way.
- So we don't have a problem.

Let me ask you a question.

If you're leaving tonight,
like, this very night,



what's the harm in a goodbye kiss?

Maybe just one.

Batesy.

Hank?

Good God, man,
you gave me the fuckin' willies.

Thought it'd help my cause.

Who can turn their backs
on a sad clown?

Let me guess.
My wife and your daughter.

Not even so much as a smile.

You still hittin' the sauce?

Yeah, but, I mean,
I got it under control.

Uh-huh.

Falling off the wagon is typically
followed by a bit of a bender.

I mean, it usually worked
itself out in a week or three.

Oh.

I'm not worried.

I'm glad to hear that.

I'm sorry, Hank.

OK? They'll get over it.

- Eventually.
- Yeah.

Yeah, in a week or three,
but that's the thing about this thing.

- Hmm.
- There's nothing to get over.

- Hey.
- I didn't actually do anything.

Uh, you... You're preaching
to the choir, honey.

OK? I wouldn't give two fucks

if you had done it the way
they think you've done it.

But I didn't done it.

OK. I get it.

Man, you know I'd never tell, right?

That shit would be between
you, me and the wall.

I'd take a fuckin' blood oath.

- Nothing actually happened.
- OK.

- So there's nothing to tell you.
- I believe you.

It's due today, so...

- I'm sorry, baby.
- I'm sorry, baby.

Come in. I'll make you some breakfast.

Ooh, yummy,
that sounds good. I could eat.

Can you tell him
I'm not talking to him?

- She's not talking to him.
- What?

Well, that's a fine how-do-you-do-do.

You'll forgive him, but not me?

I'll work on her for you.

One day at a time, Batesy.

Ah, hells to the no!

Hank fuckin' Moody.

No more notes, Sam. I can't take it.

Just find another writer.

I won't be offended. I promise.

It ain't about that movie shit, man.

I need to see your ass now, tho'.

- What about?
- Kali.

What about Kali?

Not over the phone, nigga.

Just get your ass over
to my studio right now.

- You hear me?
- Yeah. I'm coming.

Or else my boys come get you,
nigga, your choice.

No, no, no, no. No, that's OK.

Don't blow me off, Moody.
I'm serious, man.

I'm on my way.

All right, motherfucker.

I can explain.

You better fuckin'
explain yourself, motherfucker.

Well, it was a long flight.

You know, we got to talking.

One thing led to another.

What the fuck you talkin' about, man?

I don't know.
What the fuck am I talkin' about?

What the fuck am I...

What the fuck are you talkin' about?

I'm talkin' about the fact
that you're always fuckin' late, man.

Oh, all right.

That's some real
passive-aggressive shit, right?

You think your time is more valuable
than my time, don't you?

- Actually...
- I sense that shit, man.

Actually, I don't. I don't.
But in a larger sense,

my time will always be my time.

So it will always mean
more to me personally.

Man, shut the fuck up
and buy a watch, nigga.

All right.

In the meantime, nigga,
I need your help, Moody.

How can I be of service, my liege?

I got this piece of music here, right?

That is mighty purty.

It's like vintage Elton John there.

Yeah, well, this bitch
ain't no fuckin' Bernie Taupin.

You see, that's why we can't
write together, Calvin.

Because if I'm not sleeping with him,
he's a total fucking asshole.

Yeah, well, you know...

She can't write
no fuckin' lyrics, yo.

Just a pretty face
and a fuckin' smile.

All right, all right, all right.
Well, how can I help?

Help the girl write
some fuckin' lyrics, man.

Oh, no, no.

I write books, screenplays, emails...

Nigga, writin' is writin', man.

- I don't.
- Help a brother out.

OK, I'll give it a shot.

But we're gonna have
to get good and drunk first.

See, now, that's the best fuckin'
idea I've heard all day. Let's go.

- All right, so where do we start?
- I don't know.

It's obviously a love song, right?

So what rhymes with love?

Dove, shove.

"Did you just shove a dove
up my ass and call it love?" Done!

Writing lyrics is easy.

Next!

OK, the no-fun face.

- What do you wanna write about?
- I just don't want it to be cheesy.

I didn't come all the way here
to write cheesy love songs.

Sorry, that's my thing.

I specialise in cheese.
Big, gooey globs of it.

You're out of luck.

OK, I just want it to be...

Bittersweet and dark.

Well, you are nothing
if not a semi-sweet piece of...

Milk chocolate?

- You are cheesy.
- Yeah.

Speaking of love and whatnot, um...

Oh, two whiskies, barkeep, please,
and keep 'em coming.

I think the Samurai is deep in it.

With you.

God, please.

What the fuck does that guy
know about love?

He's a spoiled man-child.

He gets whatever he wants
and he can't have me.

He just wants to control his product.

I don't think that's it.

I think everybody's
got that special someone

that gets under their skin
and doesn't go away.

I think maybe you have that
particular fungal property for him.

All right, so if somebody was
asking me about a short story,

I'd ask them,
"What are you trying to say?"

I don't know.

Um...

I'd love to talk about
coming to L.A. For the first time.

And the fact that you
tend to leave something

or someone behind.

All right.

Now we're getting somewhere.
I can relate to that.

I can remember that shit
as if it were fuckin' yesterday.

So what do you think?

I don't know, you know.
I think we should keep looking.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, I got a good feeling
about this place.

- Really?
- Especially the bedroom.

I think we could get up
to some trouble in there.

You've said that about
every place we've seen.

Well, that's just a tribute to how
warm I am for your form, woman.

You know what? I'm still chafing
from this morning, so...

I'm sorry. Hotels make me horny.

- What doesn't make you horny, baby?
- Um...

Cockroaches.

Dead babies.

Poop.

- Shut up.
- Look how close we'd be to the beach.

- And the homeless.
- Which would surely alleviate

any homesickness
for New York that might develop.

Oh, God. You so don't
wanna do this, huh?

You know what, I just think of Becca.

- Yeah?
- And, I...

And it... It feels all wrong.

But she's so little and adaptable.

Not to mention
totally dependent on us.

If she complained at all, we could
easily threaten to abandon her.

I'm pretty sure that would
shut her up immediately.

You really sure about this?

I'm not, no. Not at all.

- Jesus.
- Charlie thought it would be

a good idea for me
to spend some time out here,

so people could put this
beautiful visage to the name.

And I'm trying to do
what my agent says for once,

rather than just telling him
to fuck off and get me paid.

- You know what?
- What?

We were doing just fine.

- No, we weren't.
- Yes, we were, we were.

We couldn't even afford cable, Karen.

- That was a choice.
- Really?

- Yes.
- Whatever.

You're not being
a very supportive baby mama.

I thought I was your muse.

You are.

And right now, you're
inspiring me to point out

that compared to what we pay for
in New York for a broom closet,

that place is a steal.

Plus, you'd get that.

Just like home.

So, next we have...

We need to go to, um...

- What is it, Sepulveda?
- Sepulveda?

Look alive.

Ah, sorry.

- Where'd you just go?
- Nowhere. Just digging deep.

OK.

What rhymes with vagina?

I'm not gonna sing "vagina."

Your loss. That could be
some seriously groundbreaking shit.

Yeah, some songwriter you are.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, here we go,
here we go. I got something here.

- You ready?
- Yep.

People think it's funny.

But it's really hot and runny.

Diarrhoea. Diarrhoea.

People think it's gross.
But it's really good on toast.

Diarrhoea. Diarrhoea.
Here comes the chorus.

- Diarrhoea, cha-cha-cha. Diarrhoea.
- OK, asshole.

Come on, come on, come on.
This is my career.

You don't wanna have any fun? No fun.

OK, no fun, no fun. All right,
what do you want to write about?

I don't know. I just...

Well, tell me about
the guy you left behind.

You know, that guy. That one.

Um...

He was jealous.

Well, you seem to attract
the jealous type,

you bad girl, you.

I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.

A hip-hop Jessica Rabbit, huh?

He didn't like the attention
I was getting from our friend Samurai.

Well, who could blame him?

And that I got the offer to come here
and to make a record.

So...

I have an offer for you!

- Why are you yelling?
- It's my style.

My thing. It's bombastic.

My clients love it.

- Not this client.
- Oh.

Sorry.

What's the offer?

There is a script. It's at Universal.

They're about to start production.
They need a polish.

Oh, I can polish things.

- Ah.
- Yeah.

You have never polished anything...

- Karen.
- In your entire life, ever.

Do I not polish
your beautiful lady parts

on a semi-nightly basis?

Nailed it!

How much?

Twenty-five a week.

Twenty-five...

Grand.

- Look at his face.
- I love L.A.

I love it! I love it.

I said it, I meant it.
I'm here to represent it.

- You know that.
- Who are you right now?

- I don't know. I don't know.
- Whoo!

You're gonna love it
here too, Karenina.

- They kissed.
- I'm telling you. Ooh, ooh.

I don't think that a decision
has yet been made.

- Why?
- Well, because, you know,

we're still looking at places.

Uh, "we" means "she."

- I sensed that.
- Yeah.

You know what?

This motherfucker had to drag me
kicking and screaming here.

At first, I hated it.

Now, I fucking love it.

OK, what do you love about it?

Everything is fucking fake!

OK? The houses are like sets,

and the people are
indistinguishable from actors.

It's awesome.

Hank's career is
about to explode, Karen.

He needs to be here.

Charlie Runkle.

- Ah, Allie, so nice to see you.
- You too.

Is this him?

Hank Moody, Allie Andrews,
your executive on God Hates Us All.

- Ah, nice to meet you.
- You didn't tell me he was gorgeous.

Well, for you to discover.

It's great to finally meet you, Hank.

- I'm a huge fan.
- No, you're not.

Oh, I'm not, huh?

I am a huge fan, Hank. I swear.

I love you.
I cannot wait to get started.

Wow. People are very excitable here.

You notice that, Karen?

- Allie, is it?
- Uh-huh.

This is Karen.
Karen is my best friend, my lover.

- Don't tell her.
- And my baby mama.

- Did I cover it?
- Yeah.

- Pretty much?
- Nice to meet you, Allie.

- Nice to meet you, too.
- Hi.

Hey, could I pull you aside
and buy you a drink?

I know we've got a meeting
on the books for tomorrow,

but I would love to hit the ground
running and get you up to speed.

Go. Hit the ground running.
Get up to speed.

OK.
You know how I love jargon.

There's something
you're not telling me.

You're holding out on me, lady.

Because what if I think
the truth makes me a bad person?

Maybe the truth is what you need
to finish this song.

The night I left for L.A.,
the night that I met you on the plane.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Me and my ex had one last dinner.

And we'd been arguing a lot, you know.

And, to be honest,
I was happy to leave town.

But that night, he was so sweet.

He was actually the guy
that I had been in love with

for as long as I can remember.

And I wanted to stay.

I wanted to be with him.

But then he asked me
if I slept with Samurai.

And I lied.

I told him what he wanted to hear.

And then he pulled a ring out
and asked me to marry him.

Ohh.

What'd you say?

Nothing.

I was speechless.

I got up, I went to the bathroom.
I splashed some water on my face.

I slipped out the back,

jumped in a cab,

and went straight to the airport.

Didn't look back.

I knew, if I went back to the table,
I would have said yes.

But...

Then my dreams would never come true.

Hey, lady.

Come on back to bed.

I found this in your pocket.

Allie Andrews.

"Please call me any time."

Come on.
Give me a break, Karen.

- I didn't even look at it.
- She's a...

Shows you how much I care.

You looked like you cared last night.

Well, she was full of
kind words and flattery.

- Who doesn't like that sort of thing?
- She's a huge fan.

- What's not to like?
- She would totally fuck you.

Yes, and I only want to fuck you.

- So what?
- Yeah, right now.

- But that could change, you know.
- No.

- L.A. Changes people.
- No, no, no.

Cities don't change people.

People don't even change people.

We are who we are.

Do you really think
we're gonna beat the odds?

Fuck the odds.
You know, we make our own odds.

You're incredibly naive.

And you're incredibly incredible.

Not to mention beautiful.

And, after all these years,
you still get me wetter

than a West African slut
during monsoon season.

Oh, my God,
I'm so not charmed by that.

- That's repulsive.
- No, you are charmed.

Because you know I love you long time.

And no trampy D-girl
this side of the Mississippi

is ever gonna change any of that.

Really?

Now, come on.

Come on back to bed.

Let's californicate.

Really?

Is it different here?

- A little bit.
- OK.

Let's get wet.

Fuck.

This is cheesy, Hank.

Fuck you.

I'm just kidding.

It's beautiful.

Yeah, you think you can work with it?

I hope so.
I mean, they're beautiful words.

Yeah, but they're just words.

You gotta make the music.

Well, I definitely think
I can make them work.

They're like a time machine.
Take me back to New York.

I remember exactly how excited I was,

and how sad and scared.

Do you think you'll ever
make it back to your guy?

I don't know.

I spend a lot of time
going back and forth in my head

about what might have been.

And, uh, just as well.

I know the feeling.

I think that there are
people in your life who...

They inspire art.

You know, and you blow them up
into these mythical characters

and you give them
all those magical qualities.

But maybe they're just stepping stones
for something bigger and better.

That's a pretty cynical
way to look at things.

Yeah, well, look at you.

I mean, shit,
I got a fuckin' song out of you.

That's fuckin' cool.

God, I feel so exploited.

What do I get in exchange
for digging deep

and baring your soul?

Anything you want.

No, I...

I don't think it's right to capitalise

on all this heartbreak and champagne.

It's more than that,
and I think you know that.

- I do?
- Mmm-hmm.

Because, no matter
how messy or wrong...

Or how much of a shitload
of trouble we can get into,

we just keep coming back.

True that.

Or maybe that's what makes it so hot.

Can I get you another water?

Mmm.

- No, I'm fine.
- Yeah, you don't look fine.

- How do I look?
- Thunderstruck.

Mmm.

That's a good word.

Look, I know it's a lot to take in.

Maybe I should call Charlie.

Why? What would you say?

I don't think I'd say anything.
I'd just scream.

- I understand. I do.
- You do?

Your book is brilliant.

And now we're gonna
make it into a movie.

- But you gotta trust me.
- But it's not a romantic comedy.

- I know what I'm doing.
- It's not a romantic comedy.

Your book is deeply romantic
and very funny.

But it's also very dark
and bittersweet.

Mmm-hmm. Totally.

Mmm.

Is this really happening?

- Yes.
- Hmm.

And you're not exactly responding

in the appropriate manner.
What's that about?

Uh, it's about the fact
that my better half

would cut off my dick
if she knew what was going on.

Well, then you probably
shouldn't mention it.

Well, I'm not going to.

She already thinks
you're a woman of ill-repute.

She's right.

I wish I could tell her, though.

She'd be thrilled.

I'm usually telling her
how wrong she is about shit.

How long have you guys been together?

- Do you really care?
- You don't cheat on her?

No. Am I supposed to?

- None of my business.
- Well...

Guess I just misjudged you.

- What does that mean?
- Nothing.

First draft, 12 weeks. Is that doable?

- I don't see why not.
- Great. Good luck with the writing.

Get me Todd Carr!

How was your meeting?

Kind of a nightmare, actually.

- Did she try to fuck you?
- Of course.

I'm just that irresistible.

I'm like Spanish fly
to these Hollywood types.

But it did get me thinkin'.

About...

Let's not and say we did.

What do you mean?

Fuck it. Fuck this place.

Why mess with a good thing?

You know, leave well enough alone,
and other clich?s.

Let's stay in New York.

Charlie'll understand.

And if he doesn't,
fuck him and his bald head.

- We do have a great life.
- We do.

- We're so lucky.
- Totally.

Which is exactly why we should do it.

Yeah.

- What?
- Mmm-hmm.

You're in a really
exciting place right now.

I mean, most people don't even
get to where you are.

It's like...
The American Dream or some shit.

We should just ride the wave
and see where it takes us.

- Are you sure?
- I mean...

Yeah, because as long
as we're together,

who gives a fuck where we live, right?

So...

There it is.

We're movin' to L.A.

Shit, fuck.

Now that I've said it out loud,
I can't take it back.

Mmm.

You're pretty amazing, you know that?

- No, I'm not.
- Yeah, you are.

Pretty much the best baby mama
a guy could ever hope for.

Really?

And don't forget it.

Never.

Ever.

Moody, buddy.

Yo, come on.
Get in on some of this shit.

There you go, buddy.

- I take it you likey?
- It's beautiful, man.

It's the missing piece of the puzzle.

This album had a lot of colour on it.

But what y'all did,
that's the home run, man.

You both outdid yourselves.

Glad to be of service.

Hell, you two fucked?

Come on, does it seem like
we had time to do that?

We've been writing the frickin' song.

I'm fuckin' trippin'.

- Hey, y'all.
- Yeah?

- Play that shit.
- All right.

Grab some tissue, Moody.

It's just gonna
break your fuckin' heart.

Turn the shit up, motherfucker.

Yeah.

She promised you stars

Like you read on her pages

All of the tinsel

And the company of strangers

The fear that you came with

You thought you'd escaped it

But even while breaking

You could still be persuaded

Looking out

Across the lights

Until the morning

Oh, but didn't

they shine

Like the night sky

And didn't they shine

Like the hazy daybreak

Like champagne and heartbreak

Oh, but didn't they shine

Oh, didn't they shine

Like the night sky

Didn't they shine

Oh, didn't they shine

Hey. Can I come in?

Sure. Everything all right?
Is it Becca?

No, no, no. She's good.
She's fine, actually.

What's up?

It's Richard. He's, um...

He, you know, he won't stop drinking.

It's... I don't think he can, so...

And I just...

I don't think I can do it.

I don't think I can, um...

I don't think I can live like this.

I'm sure. I'm sure he's gonna be...

I'm sure he'll get it under control.

Yeah, maybe. Maybe. Maybe he will.

I just don't know
if I can wait, you know?

And the truth is that...

I think I made
a terrible mistake, you know?