Californication (2007–2014): Season 5, Episode 4 - Waiting for the Miracle - full transcript

Previously on Californication...

I just want to know
what you see us becoming...

I enjoy the casual nature of things.

- I'm a casual guy.
- Asshole.

I've got kind of
a bunny-boiler situation happening.

She's got a key to my place.

Wow.

Who that?

My apartment's on fire.

I just got fired.

Hey, are you looking for a new gig?



I'm lonely. I long for companionship.

You like that? Tell me you like it.

No, Charlie. I won't tell you that,
and I don't like it.

I don't even know how to
relate to real women any more.

Clearly. I am your child's nanny,

which makes this whole thing
pretty inappropriate.

Right.

Hey, Tyler.

This is not what it looks like.
This is my sister.

You will tell her that
you are a lying, cheating,

skulduggerous little manwhore.

- You hear me?
- I hear you.

- He was cheating on her, Hank.
- You're kidding.

He fessed up to being a lying, cheating,



skulduggerous little manwhore.

- You're blowing up.
- What does that mean?

You're a fucking pimp!

Oh, yeah, but not in a good way.

It's that chick from New York,
the bunny-boiler.

The one who set
your apartment on fire?

Yeah, yeah, Carrie. The very same.

She said she was just burning
all my first editions,

but it got a little out of control.

Understandable. These things happen.

- She still pissed at you?
- No, not so much.

It's all sweet talk and sexting now.

She's here on business
and wants to see me.

- Are you gonna do it?
- Hells to the no.

She's a psycho. Awfully wonderful
in the boudoir, though.

That's why I kept it going
long after the expiration date.

What was so wonderful about it?

Just the enthusiasm, really.

You know, it was as if the act itself
was rejuvenating to her.

It was as if she were dying of thirst

and my cock were the fountain
of everlasting youth.

Mmm, must be nice.

I don't think a woman
has ever looked at my dick

like it offered health benefits
of any kind.

Aw, shit. She says
she's got a surprise for me.

Maybe she
killed Karen and Becca.

I'm not sure that's funny, Charlie.

I'm sorry, sometimes
I forget where the line is.

No. No fucking way, right?

- You tell her where you were staying?
- No.

Then you're all good.

- Surprise!
- Oh, geez!

Mmm.

Mmm... Ooh...

- Hi.
- Hi.

- How did you...
- I tracked your iPhone, silly.

Remember I figured out
your password that one time.

Oh, right. Yeah, that one time.

OK.

Are we really just gonna
stand here with the chit-chat

when we could be
fucking each other's brains out?

Jesus fucking Christ.

I think you just added
seven years to my life.

- Oh, that's my gift.
- Oh.

I fuck in dog years.

Oh, it just fits so nicely inside there.

Hey, I would love to
make a plaster cast of your dick

and then make a dildo from it.

- That's crazy.
- Mmm-hmm.

Yet flattering.
And not so terrible an idea.

Maybe you could make
an extra one for me?

I could fuck Charlie with it.

Oh, my body responds to you, Hank.

It does things my brain says it shouldn't.

Tell me about it. My brain can't
believe I just slept with an arsonist.

- Yeah.
- A book-burner to boot.

Am I that much a slave
to my fleshy massah?

No, it's me. Once you entered me,
there was no turning back.

I bought the ticket, I took the ride.

I never know if we're speaking
metaphorically or not,

- it's exhausting.
- I know! I'm exhausted, too.

You just fucked me something proper.

I think you just
added seven years to my life.

- You said that already.
- I did?

- Mmm-hmm.
- Oh.

I'm so drunk on cock.

You're insane, you know that?

When are you
coming back to New York?

I don't know.

I'm in the middle
of this wacky screenwriting gig,

and my daughter's all distraught
about her asshole boyfriend

and that might be all my fault.

- So it could be a while.
- OK, listen, listen, listen.

I got offered a job here, a good one,
and I think I'm gonna take it.

- Jesus saves.
- No, no, no, no, no!

Don't get it. Fuck me again!
Stay here, fuck me again!

And again. And again.

You don't wanna live forever, do you?

- Hi!
- Hi.

So we're off to Neptune's Net
for some heartbreak comfort food.

Oh. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

My heart is hungry.

- Aw, sweetie.
- Care to join us, Papa?

Yes, that's a good... Let's go, come on.

Do you wanna put on some pants?

It's not a question of want, Karen,
it's a question of time.

Come on, last one to the car
has a rotten crotch.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Aren't you going to introduce us, Dad?

- This is my daughter, Becca.
- Aw.

- And her mother, Karen.
- Oh, the famous Karen.

- Oh, famous?
- In some circles.

Um, nice to meet you.

- Carrie.
- Carrie, from New York.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

I'm sorry, I didn't forget.
I was just distracted.

I was quietly praying for an earthquake.

Hank, this is so not a big deal.

I'm married.
And Becca, she's an adult now, so...

This is nothing. I've seen some shit.

Yes, yes, she's seen some shit.

- We assume you're out there dating.
- Oh, no, we're not dating.

Yeah, right. What she said.

No, I would love to,
but Hank's damaged.

- Broken, really.
- Mmm-hmm.

Old dog, no new tricks.

You know what?

You guys, you should
come over for dinner tonight.

- Oh, no.
- Yes, we're gonna celebrate.

You don't even know
what we're celebrating.

Doesn't matter. Not gonna do it.

Stu has optioned Richard's new novel.

Oh, well, whoop-dee-doo, Karen.

You know how much I hate
celebrating other writers' successes.

- Schadenfreude, baby.
- Come on, Marcy and Stu'll be there.

- It's gonna be fun.
- Or not.

- Help me.
- No.

You know, unfortunately,
I have to have drinks

with a friend of a friend,
it's sort of a date sitch.

Oh, you see that?
She has to move on with her life.

No, but I would
much rather do this, yeah.

I'm so excited.
I can't wait to meet your friends.

Oh, yeah, they're not really friends.
I wouldn't describe them as.

More like a bunch of
very entertaining narcissists.

You know what? I like LA.

I do. I could picture myself being here.

- No.
- Yes.

You don't wanna come here
and become a cunty gym face.

Yeah, one of those girls that
comes out to LA, joins the gym,

gets addicted and then
next thing you know they're...

Oh.

- You're funny.
- I have my moments.

We have fun.
We're so good together, Hank.

- We have our moments.
- Hey, hey, hey.

You never... You never said anything,
by the way.

- About?
- About my job opportunity.

Oh, yeah, well, you know what?
I think you've got a great job

in the publishing capital of the world.

Why would you leave that?

Oh, because the business is changing.

- Print is dead, yadda-yadda-yadda.
- Oh.

Besides, I could be closer to this.

Hey, what are you doing?

I mean, I like what you're doing.

I just don't know
where you're going with it.

I think I might be going
straight to blowjob city.

- Oh, that far?
- Yeah. What do you think about that?

Well, my eyes, they say no, but...

My dick, he says, "Yeah, I could eat."

Ooh, I really...
I think we need to examine

what you're getting out
of this relationship.

Hey.

Hank!

Hi, you must be Carrie.

So,

am I gonna like this gal or what?

She's very nice.

OK, just so you know,
"She's very nice"...

- Mmm-hmm.
- Sounds like a weight problem.

You said you wanted
to meet someone nice.

You said a normal woman.
And she is the nicest,

most normal woman
I know in all of Los Angeles.

OK, OK, I just... I hate blind dates.

- The worst.
- I could stay home.

Hey, we could watch
a movie or something.

Inappropriate, Charlie.

- Right, that.
- Mmm-hmm.

Yes, that.

You didn't tell her about
my inappropriate behaviour, did you?

Yes, I told her that you shoved
your hand up my skirt

and started talking like a sexual deviant.

- What did she say?
- I'm kidding, Charlie.

I was trying to talk you up,
not have you arrested.

OK, OK, OK.
So, uh, if Stuart wakes up...

I've got it covered.
I've got the touch. Remember?

- Yes, you do. OK.
- Mmm-hmm.

Any advice?

Just be yourself, Charlie.

And who is that, exactly?

I'd like to propose a toast to the bravest,

most erotic book I have ever read.

- Blood Mountain, by Richard Bates.
- Eh, eh, eh, eh.

That's exactly what you said about
Fucking & Punching.

Word for word.

- And I meant it, Hank.
- Aw.

No, I did. I did.
It doesn't make it any less true.

All right, well,
here's to bending over and taking it,

- Hollywood-style.
- Oh, my God.

And this from the 19th writer
on Santa Monica Cop.

I'm touched.

Aah, douch?, my friend, douch?.

Kiss me, you supercilious fuck.

- So, Carrie, I have to ask.
- Yes, Karen.

How did you manage
to nail down Hank for...

- It's a year, right?
- Almost a year, yeah.

Yeah, well, I would love to say
it was me, but I think it was the sex.

He unleashed
something in me, you know?

Something primal.

Before Hank, it was just me
and that little Pink Rabbit.

Yeah, where is that Pink Rabbit today?

Sex toys.

- What's the consensus?
- Oh, my God.

- I love them.
- Could we just pretend

to talk about politics
or the environment or...

And then, maybe, you know,
end up with sex?

Karen, Karen, we're all grownups here.

- No, we're not.
- Karen hates talking about sex.

- She ain't gonna do it.
- I do not.

OK, you guys wanna see something?
Here we go.

- Sex.
- No.

Vagina. Pussy.

- Aah!
- Big hairy pussy!

You know what? I used to be that way.

I did. I was really closed off.

I was borderline frigid, actually.

Oh.

No, no, no, I'm not saying...
But Hank, he opened me up.

- He does. Yes, yeah.
- He did.

- Emotionally and creatively.
- Yup, yeah, that's me.

The emotional safecracker.

Well, for what it's worth,
I find Karen to be

- easily the most sexual woman...
- Shut up.

I've ever had the good fortune
to copulate with.

- Holy crap.
- Wow, well, that's...

She's quite ferocious, actually.
Like a lioness.

I wanna go
and put my head in the oven.

Will you save room for me?

The reason I brought this up
was because I like the toys.

- Mmm.
- Marcy not so much.

- Oh.
- It's not that I don't like them, OK?

It's just that the noise
takes me out of the game.

It's that...

Or... Whatever.

OK, so I tried to control
the noise factor by suggesting

that perhaps
we incorporate something quieter.

Dildo, perhaps.

- Uh, she balks.
- Baby,

why would I need a dildo
when I have you?

- Well, that's nice.
- That's crazy.

I mean, back in the Runkle era,
however,

I really could have probably
benefitted from something

with some girth, some... Just fold it
over a couple of times, something!

Hey, don't speak ill of my boy
when he's not here to defend himself.

Innocent until proven diminutive.

- That's what I would say.
- You fill me up, baby.

- That is exactly how I feel about Hank.
- Oh, Jesus.

- He fills me up.
- Carrie, come on, just...

What? We're talking.

- We're all talking frankly about sex.
- Yes, but it's not encounter group.

You don't have to talk quite so frankly.

That's all right, Carrie,
I'll talk frankly about sex.

Yeah, I'll talk frankly about dildos.
I'm no stranger.

- A man's anus is an erogenous zone.
- Oh, my God.

There's certainly nothing gay about
having one's prostate stimulated.

Oh, is that right?
Sounds pretty gay to me, Batesy.

Sounds about as gay as Tom Hanks
in a white sailor's outfit.

I don't see it that way, Hank.

You've inserted a dildo
into this man's gaping bunghole?

Oh, you know me.

I don't know if I'm proud of you
or ashamed or just sad for humanity

or maybe all three, I don't know.

If the truth be known, no, she hasn't.

- She's not comfortable with it.
- Thank you.

And I'm not comfortable with anything
my bride's not comfortable with.

That's nice, that's nice.

Besides, that was a long time ago.

Boundaries were
pretty blurry back then.

Oh, yeah, that was the gay '90s, huh?

It seems like it was raining
cock back then, was it?

Hey, I would do that for you.

I would stimulate your prostate
with pride and zero prejudice.

That's really sweet of you, thank you.

Oh, come on, Hank.
You've never experimented?

No circle jerks?
No towel-snapping incidents?

Swordfights, perhaps?

That was a pretty big one.

- Hmm? What?
- That silence.

That incredibly awkward silence.

It's our third of the night, you know?

Really? Uh...

I wasn't counting.

But you know what? I really think
awkward silences get a bad rap.

Because, uh, who really
has that much to say?

Don't worry, you don't have to make
excuses. I'm sure it's my fault.

- Don't be silly.
- I'm not being silly.

I just... I'm out of practice.

I haven't been out on a proper date
in a long time.

- Tell me about it.
- Well, he took me to Medieval Times,

but the guy was a little handsy.

I mean, he just kept putting his hand
up my skirt during the jousting,

which would have been fine.

It's just that, you know,
you eat with your hands,

and he'd been really
fingering his chicken.

OK.

- Four and counting.
- OK, OK, OK,

look, um, we can just either,
you know, cash in our chips,

go our separate ways right now,

or we can decide to power through
and find some common ground.

- I'm game if you're game.
- Sure!

- What do you say?
- Yeah, I'm game.

- I like your spirit, Charlie.
- OK.

So how do you know Lizzie?

She's in my book club.

Awesome! Books! Excellent topic.

- Nicely done.
- Thank you.

How do you like to read these days?

Digital age and whatnot? Nook? IPad?

- I'm a Nook girl!
- OK, well,

you're looking at an iPad guy.
What are you reading right now?

What is on your virtual bookshelf?

Oh, uh, Blood Mountain
by Richard Bates.

Have you read it?
Oh, my God. It is so dirty.

- I sold the film rights.
- You're shitting me.

You know what I think
we're looking at right here, Mary?

I think it's a little something
they call common ground.

- Up high.
- Oh. My hands are a little sweaty.

You know that the average length
of sexual intercourse

is only two-and-a-half minutes.

Yeah, well, that means nothing
when you're tantric.

I'm working on that.

- Well, it's a long journey, my friend.
- Mmm.

Well worth it in the end.

Look, after a couple of decades
with prima Charlie,

anything longer than a Ramones song
seems like tantric sex to me.

I haven't released a batch in 14 years.

Ew.

- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing.

It happens on the inside.
Tell them, Karen.

I can't... Oh, my God.

She was insulted at first.

Thought she was doing
something wrong.

But God damn it, she wasn't.
She was doing everything right.

Check, please.

I mean, she was making me explode,
but up here.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Yeah.

- Ew.
- When we make love,

it is like a Fourth of July fireworks

display in the screening room
that is my mind.

I don't get this whole tantric sex deal-io.

Sex should have
a very strict three-act structure.

Beginning, middle and end.
Maybe a third act twist thrown

- in there for good measure.
- Listen, Hank is an incredible lover.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Carrie. Come on.

- I'm fine with it.
- She knows.

No, you and Karen had
a tremendous sex life.

What?

I'm glad she was fulfilled
in that way. A blind man could see it.

If it sets the bar higher for me,
so much the better.

There's no resting on one's laurels
in this household.

- Or in that bedroom.
- I gotta say something.

My man is
a pretty fabulous fucking lover.

I just... I gotta put that out there.

We're sharing. I love you.

I gotta tell you...
I could eat this woman for dessert.

Can we stop with
all this lover bullshit?

This is creeping me out.

The next thing I know, one of
you freaks is gonna suggest group sex.

What is wrong with you people?

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

- Charlie.
- Mmm? Yeah?

- I have to tell you something.
- No, I know, I know.

It unhooks in the front.
I always get it mixed up.

No, no, not that. No, it's just...

- Uh, I've never done this before.
- It's OK, I'm not judging you.

Mmm... No, you don't understand. I...

I'm a virgin.

What?

I've never had sex.

Never? Ever?

OK, well...

I let my friend Lindsay
finger me in seventh grade.

And it was not nearly
as hot as it sounds.

I mean, uh, she was morbidly obese

and smelt like McDonald's French fries.

She also farted in the middle of it.

- We don't have to do this.
- No, oh, no!

I didn't mean it that way.
No, I wanna do this.

I've been sitting around,
waiting for Mr Right,

and I just wanted
a Mr Right Now to deflower me.

And look, for better or worse,
Charlie, that's you.

Oh, I want you to be
the first man on my moon.

I don't wanna die a smelly,
stinky old virgin creature.

You don't seem that stinky.

Thank you. Ooh.

OK, this is really a lot to process.

I just... I don't know
how I feel about this.

OK, well, I understand
if you don't wanna do it. Look, I...

I just, I don't know what to do any more.

I waited around
for Prince Charming forever...

- Yeah, well.
- And he never showed.

- Yeah.
- I have needs, Charlie.

- Sure.
- Desires.

I'm not a prude. Yeah, I'll...

I'll do things.

Dirty things.

You're blowing my mind right now.

Ravage me, Charlie! Ravage me!

Oh, wow.

Oh.

Oh, there you are.
Knocking at my door!

I can see that the king has sent you,

my liege, to collect my hymen
and I shall bequeath it to you!

Oh, wow.

That feels good! Entrez vous!

Push it in! Go, get it going.
Don't be afraid.

Ah!

What's happening? What?

What happened to your little...

Oh, I see what's going on.

You're not attracted to me.
I mean, how could you be?

No! No, it's not you.

It's a lot of pressure
to be someone's first.

- Um... Um, I'm sorry.
- Ugh.

- I feel so ashamed.
- You should be.

Oh.

Shame boner. It's back.

- Oh, so it is.
- Do you still wanna?

- Sure, OK.
- OK?

Yeah, let's do it.

OK.

OK, yeah.

Ow!

- Aah!
- Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

- Oh.
- Ugh.

Whoa.

That's it?

Yeah, pretty much.

That's how a lot of first times are.

I don't think anal sex
gets enough credit.

I mean, I used to think
it was good, dirty fun.

- Extra cream in mine.
- Now I think

it's about something else.
I think it's about something more.

- Intimacy.
- Mmm-hmm.

I mean, to go in through the out door
is maybe the most beautiful act

- known to God or man.
- I agree.

I agree. I agree.

In fact, I have a lot to say
on the subject.

Becca! Thank God.

- Hi, Beckers.
- Where you been?

Uh, nowhere special.

Nowhere special with whom,
perchance?

If you must know, Tyler.

No, you're not serious.
Are you serious?

- What?
- I thought you said that was over,

you were done with him. That was it.

I was.

But he kept texting me,
so I cracked and texted him back.

It was good. We cleared the air.

So that's it? It's back on?

- That's it?
- Not necessarily.

It took you so long to get over him.

What, you're just gonna go forgive him?

Yeah. I wonder where I got that from.

Hey, hey, that's no way
to talk to your... Becca.

- Whatever.
- She's right. She's absolutely right.

No, she's not right. And even
if she were, you're her parent.

It's your job to make her feel
like she's wrong.

- That's fucked up.
- No, you know what's fucked up?

Is her getting back into the snake pit

with that D'Artagnan-looking
motherfucker,

with his hair
and his fucking... His facial hair.

It's unsavoury is what it is.
It's not funny.

Do you wanna talk about this later?

Why? So we can get back
to talking about anal

- with the Kinsey Report over here?
- Watch your tone, Hank.

The woman you're disrespecting
is currently under my jurisdiction.

Mind your business, Batesy.

We happen to be talking about
a child that we share.

Keep it up, sweetheart,
and you and I are gonna end up

back on that dance floor, you hear me?

Oh, I hear you, dick. And I'd be happy
to dance with you anytime, anywhere,

you pansexual fucking weirdo.

Looks like I'm getting
your Irish up there, son.

Not at all. Care for a drink?

You'd probably like that, wouldn't you?

I would. Let's see that fucking mangina.

You wanna eat my peach,
I'll bust her out right now.

Guys, it's really nice
to be fought over, but, you know,

let's not ruin the bromance.

Oh, my God! This is
never going anywhere, is it?

- What?
- You! You're never gonna be able

- to commit to another woman!
- Carrie, this is neither

- the time nor the place.
- Actually, it's kind of hilarious.

I came here thinking that
I was gonna try and convince you

- to give it another try.
- You know what's hilarious?

- What?
- Is the fact that we broke up.

And you set my apartment on fire!

But you know
what the best part about all this is?

Is that this whole time
I was thinking that this was my fault.

I thought there was
something wrong with me. But it's you.

You're a loser, Hank.

All your friends here, they all have
love in their lives. They've moved on.

But you, you have nothing.

Wow. Cheers, thank you.

Congratulations, Karen.
I don't know how you did it, but...

What? What do you mean?

Carrie, I'm sorry you got hurt.

I thought we had an understanding.
I thought you understood me.

- You fucked me in the ass, Hank!
- Oh, my God.

I swallowed your cum.

But, worst of all,
I swallowed your fucking bullshit.

And you can rationalise it
all you want by saying that

you were always honest with me,

but it's still stealing.

- Are you OK?
- Mmm.

Just licking my wounds.

Marcy and Stu will give you a ride.

Or you could spend the night with us.

Yeah, I think I'd rather
go noose shopping, actually.

Well, that's a shame. We'll miss you.

Chick really levelled me, didn't she?

Yeah, she got you pretty bad.

Took me back
to some of our greatest hits.

Oh, how I miss our fights of fancy.

Oh, how I don't.

You know, when you and Bates
got together, I was kind of happy

cos I thought it's fucking lunacy.

This is never gonna work. But it does.

I guess. Kind of.

It's been kind of nice in a way, though.

Not having to watch you
fall in love with someone else.

Hmm.

But I don't want you to be lonely.

Aw, pshaw. I ain't lonely.

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

You're like this little boy lost.

You kind of... It didn't work out
between us and you're still pouting.

You picked up your ball
and you've run home

and you're never, ever gonna
play with anyone else again.

Yeah, well, I guess being in New York
makes it easier

to forget that I still love the shit
out of you, Karen.

Yeah, wow. I said that out loud, didn't I?

So?

I still love you. I always will.
Till the day I die.

But, at some point,
I had to choose happiness.

I have to make that a priority. I mean...

And now I'm with someone
who understands

that I will never stop loving you.

And that makes me happier
than I've ever been.

Good.

That's fantastic.

She's right. You're wonderful.

You are,
and when women get to know you,

you know, of course they want more.

But it's kind of cruel to let them think

that they can have it, when really
it's just no more than a hologram.

Contrary to popular belief,
I'm not out there

trying to hurt anyone, Karen.

I know.

But what do you think Becca's
suffering from right now?

Some guy, good or bad,
he's charmed his way into her heart,

and obviously she wants more.

You're trying to tell me
that I've given her some kind of

- horrible daddy complex?
- No, no, don't worry about her.

I'm talking about you.
Worry about yourself.

Cos if really... If all your life is,

is a series of fucking meaningless flings

and some idealised vision
of our love story,

then I'm really sad for you.

Because I know what you're capable of.

Yeah, well, what if you're wrong?
What if this is it for me?

What if I'm just destined to sit around

and wait for the band
to get back together?

You'll be waiting on a miracle.