Californication (2007–2014): Season 5, Episode 3 - Boys & Girls - full transcript

Previously on Californication...

Man, what are the odds?

I end up next to the most
beautiful woman in the tri-state area.

He wants Hank to come to him.

Who the fuck is "he"?

Samurai Apocalypse.

But I wanna do my own thing,
my own moment.

Santa Monica Cop is my
Eddie Murphy moment right now!

I don't know. It's not really my thing.

Get your sexy ass over here, mama.

Damn.



I'm Charlie Runkle.
We spoke on the phone.

No, I'm just the nanny, but come on in.

- Are you OK?
- I just got fired.

Are you looking for a new gig?

Hank Moody!
Better not be hitting on my girl.

You should be in Starbucks
writing me some funny shit.

I don't think I can do it.

- How's Becca?
- Boyfriend.

I wanna kill him, Hank.

Hey, Tyler.

This is not what it looks like.
This is my sister.

What the fuck was that all about?

Some guy my daughter's seeing.

I think he's gonna break her heart.



Maybe we should break his legs first.

Tyler was leaving some club
in Hollywood,

and he got jumped
by a bunch of gangbangers.

Fade the fuck out.

The end, motherfucker. Charlie!

Way ahead of you, buddy.

Print, bitches.

Wait!

Don't you want to spell check?

No, something tells me
the Samurai isn't much of a typo Nazi,

and I gotta get out of here.

I gotta get my brown eye
on the red-eye.

I got a plane to catch.

- Please, stay.
- Mmm-mmm.

I came, I saw, I turned some words
into cash. The coffers are full.

Besides, I don't want to get myself killed

by a trigger-happy rapper.

It's just not the same
without you, buddy.

Just go down to the bar, grab yourself
one of your Messy Bessies

and you'll feel better in the morning.

That's the thing, Hank.
It doesn't work any more.

I'm lonely.

I long for companionship.

Is this it?

Is this the moment
I've been waiting for?

Are you finally
coming out to me, Charlie?

Female companionship.

Female.

- Grab yourself a lady friend.
- It's not that easy.

I'm old and bald
and lacking in social skills.

Yeah, but you do make a decent living.

And you have this groovy pad.

And that's really good for the hedonist.

It impresses the shit out of
the strippers and the barmaids,

but what if I want something more?

Sometimes it's better
not to touch your dreams.

Take it from someone who knows.

That is profound... ly depressing.

Speaking of which,
I gotta go say good-bye to Becca.

Then I gotta drop this puppy off
at MTV Cribs.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

I guess I'll probably masturbate
to something dirty on the Internet

while I wait for Stuart to show up
and spend the night.

Solid plan.
What's on the menu these days?

I'm glad you asked.

I'm extremely partial these days
to live sex-cams.

Yeah, for just
a couple of bucks a minute,

they'll do anything you want.

I got this girl to drink her own pee
the other day.

- What is wrong with you?
- What?

This is why you can't find a girl.

You're too busy making them do
disgusting things on the Internet.

- You should be ashamed of yourself.
- I am.

Good. Now hug me.

I gotta go.

- Charlie?
- Yes.

Is that a dildo in your pocket or
are you just happy to see me go?

I think I must have been
reliving that pee thing.

Now it's just a shame boner.

Fuck, fuck!

Hey.

What'd that poor house ever do to you?

Nothing!

It's what that pansy-ass little pussy fart

is doing to my house.

I gotta walk this shit off
before I end up back in prison.

Fucker!

Fucker!

Hey.

Hey.

What's with the hubby out there?

Oh.

Tyler got into
his 40-year-old bottle of Chivas.

What the huh?
I thought Batesy was on the wagon.

Yeah, he is. But he keeps it around
as a symbol of his sobriety.

Oh.

Right on.

So how's patient zero?

- Demanding.
- Yeah?

- Mmm.
- Mmm-hmm?

I'm waiting. My props?

I told you the kid was an asshole.

Well, yeah, but you think
everyone's an asshole.

Yes. Yes, I do.

But that doesn't make me any less right

about this particular asshole.

I gotta go to the drugstore.
Tyler needs more Vicodin.

- Hi, Becca. Remember me?
- Oh, hey, Dad.

Hey, I'm leaving.

On a jet plane.

Don't know when I'll be back again.

Maybe a hug?

- Safe travels, Dad.
- All right, I love you.

See you soon.

Yeah.

Hey, a quick one while they're away?

Come on. For old times' sake.

You know what?
You're hitting on a married woman.

- I know. What's your point?
- Yeah.

You really want me to sic my husband
on you in the state he's in?

You're right.

That kind of thing
could lead a man to drink.

- Yes.
- And then his glorious mangina

might make an appearance.

Wouldn't want to see that happen,
would we?

Actually, I would.
I'm dying to see that thing again.

- Come on, let's do it.
- Stop it.

Karen! Is dinner ready yet?

Yeah.

- I'm gonna take this...
- No, allow me.

- Well, put it on the...
- Hey, fuck that.

Thank God. I was about to eat my foot.

Oh.

Hey, Hank.

Wow, you've really moved in,
haven't you?

I hope you're not expecting to get
you security deposit back, are you?

Hey, listen, they insisted, OK?

Mmm. It's good.

Aw.

My folks are out of town, all right?

That's what your folks told you.

They actually hate your guts
and rue the day

that your father ever failed
to pull out in time.

Ha-ha. Why don't you go
easy on me, man?

I got my ass beat about a week ago.

I know. I know that.

And I was almost sad
when I heard the news.

And then I was vaguely
disappointed when I heard

you weren't gonna die
or anything like that.

But knowing that you were
in great pain did make me smile.

- It's the little things, you know?
- Mmm.

But if you break my daughter's heart,

being stomped on
by a bunch of gangbangers

is gonna seem like a play date
compared to the can of rape-ass

I will open up on your...

Ass.

Mmm.

Well, I have no intention
of breaking her heart.

- Good.
- She's a cool chick.

And if you respect her coolness,

you will tell her that
you are a lying, cheating,

skulduggerous little manwhore.

You hear me?

I hear you.

- Are we cool?
- No, never.

Can I bum a smoke?

Sure.

Got a light?

Ah! See, it's this damn finger of mine.

- Oh, yeah. I bet it's...
- Oh.

- It's hard to...
- God!

Oh, yeah.

This is how it was done.

Back in the day.

When the bushes were big

and the boobies was real.

Shit! Shit! Shit, shit, shit!

Shit.

- Hello!
- Hello.

Not too much boob tube, OK?

OK, OK, OK. Relax, relax.

- We only watch what's educational.
- Uh-huh.

A little Baby Einstein, perhaps.
Who knows?

Maybe he'll even say something.

Whoa!

Jesus Christ, Charlie!

Oh, my God.

I can't trust you alone
with this kid for one second.

Yeah, well, feel free to take him
with you out on date night, then.

Oh, let's not be rash, Marcy.

You know, my assistant had to work
some serious magic for these rezzies.

Believe me.
I need a break from all things mommy.

Right, right.

So that whole "hiring someone
to watch your kid

"while you go out all day shopping
and having your toes done" thing

not working for you?

Die young and suffer, dickless.

Really kicking it back old-school
with the porn there, hey, Runkle?

Well, if you must know,

I'm trying to wean myself off
the hardcore stuff.

Yeah, I'm trying to rediscover

the simple pleasures
of a masturbating teenager,

when girls were magical creatures
who didn't go ATM.

- Ugh.
- What?

Ass to mouth.

- That's disgusting.
- Yet intriguing.

Don't get any ideas, OK?

You're way too big
for mommy's cornhole.

Yeah, that's what daddy likes to hear.

You're welcome.

Hey, hey, what's the matter, buddy?

Hey, what's the matter? Huh?

- Where's Mr Blanky?
- What?

Where is Mr Blanky?

- You...
- You...

- Did you...
- You brought...

You put it in the backpack.

OK.

You know, the traffic is
really terrible right now on PCH.

I think maybe we should jet.

Yeah. Sorry, Charlie.

- OK, buddy, you're OK.
- You wanted weekday overnights!

- You're a big boy, right?
- Mommy loves you!

Oh, no.

Oh, you're a big boy.
You're a big boy, OK.

OK, OK.

Shit.

I'm excited to read this shit, yo.

I'm excited that you're excited, yo.

You're a funny motherfucker, Moody.
You know that, right?

Right back at you, Sam.

May I call you Sam?

Call me Calvin.
My moms call me Calvin.

I'd be honoured.

- You should.
- I am.

All right, nigga.

- I'm gonna read this shit.
- You do that.

No, I mean right now, yo.
Wait right here.

No, I can't. No, no, no, I gotta run.
I gotta go.

What if I gotta make changes
or some shit like that?

You can e-mail them to me.

That way I can ignore it more easily.
Come on.

You ready?

Damn. Damn, mama,
I gotta read this script.

But you said we were going out tonight.

I know, I know.
I'll make it up to you, all right?

- I'll make it up to you.
- Whatever.

Oh, man.

Yo, is it me, man?

Or is she just hot
beyond logic and reason?

She be fine as wine.

- Hey, I told you about...
- Sorry, I'm sorry.

Why don't you just
take her out, you know?

You can read the script later.

Later? Fuck, no, man.

That's my motherfucking career, man.
I take this shit serious, man.

I'm gonna sit in my favourite chair
and read every page.

Even the parts I'm not in.

Put a pen to this bitch,
correct all the typos.

- I hate typos. That shit is lazy.
- Yeah. I hate typos, too.

Shit.

I do like when a girl come home
from a club, though.

After dancing and drinking,

they be hot as a fuck, ready to go.

- What time's your flight?
- Uh, 11:40.

Well, that's plenty of time
to take Kali out for me, man.

That's not plenty of time,
not plenty at all.

Come on, man. Do me a solid.
Take one of my whips.

That's tempting.
Would that I could, but I can't.

- My hands are tied.
- What you gonna do,

go to a fucking airport
or spend time with a beautiful woman?

I've spent many a time
with many a beautiful woman.

- So what's the problem?
- I can't do it.

- I can't. I can't.
- That's fucked up, man.

- I gotta run.
- Look, look...

I did you a solid with
fucking Little Romeo, right?

- Ah, no.
- I put his fucking ass

- in the hospital for you.
- I did not ask you for that.

Yeah, but you needed that.
I felt what you needed.

That's what brothers do for each other.

They feel each other. Feel me?

All right, a quick bite, but that's it.

Hey, that's all I'm fucking asking for.

Nigga, what? Shit.

- All right, OK.
- But, yo...

Keep your motherfucking paws
off her, Moody.

And your fucking penis.

- A'ight.
- I'm serious, man.

- I heard that.
- I'm serious, man.

- No, I heard that.
- You be playing too much, yo.

- You got it?
- Communication delivered.

All right, come on.
I got this fucking Caddy

with the hydraulics.

This shit's gonna be like...

Bong-bong!

I'm so sorry. You must be going nuts.

Charlie, I can't breathe.

I can't breathe.

Hmm.

I'm sorry, can I get you
something to drink?

No, I should probably go.

No! No, please, please, please,
don't go.

- Please.
- OK.

Yeah, this not exactly
what I had in mind.

I'm sure, but whatever you had in mind

is something I probably couldn't stand
for longer than five minutes,

so this will have to do.

You like torturing me, don't you?

I do. Very much so.

- Hey, don't do that.
- Do what?

Don't look like that and talk like that.

It makes my wiener feel weird.

Well, we wouldn't want that,
now, would we?

- What was that?
- Self-preservation.

I was warned not
to put my hands on you.

Well, what if I want your hands on me?

You're shit out of luck. They're gone.

Arms, too. Blown off in the war.

I'm nothing but a torso now.

Oh, yeah, laugh.
Laugh at the torso guy.

You're a mean and vicious woman.

You know he doesn't own me.

Yeah? Well, be that as it may,

he does seem like the jealous type.

That is one way to put it.

He almost chopped off
one of his bodyguard's fingers

for looking at me in an impure manner.

Like there's any other way
to look at you.

OK.

So that's when I tell you,
"Don't talk to me like that."

Cos I might have to put hands on you.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Mmm-hmm.

So he's crazy,

and you're crazy beautiful.

What's in it for you?

Well, he discovered me,

and he signed me to his label

and he's producing my album.

And that's it?

No.

You know, it's not like
we're exclusive to each other.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Mmm-hmm.

I honestly can't even count
how many baby mamas he's got.

Oh, that sounds complicated.
I like to keep it simple.

I only have the one baby mama.

- Yeah. You told me about that.
- Mmm-hmm.

- Dance with me.
- No.

- No, no, no.
- Come on.

No. Hankie don't dance.

Hold my purse.

You've got a really beautiful
place here, Charlie.

Well, thank you, thank you.

I'm jealous.

You seem like
you have it all figured it out.

Are you kidding?
I don't know anything about anything.

What are you talking about?

You've got this great kid,
a successful career,

a working automobile.

True, true and true.

I also have a failed marriage,

a number of truly humiliating
career turns

and I haven't got
an ounce of love in my life.

- Hmm. Join the club.
- Come on.

A beautiful girl like you?

I bet you have your pick of the litter.

Of creeps, yes.

Any creep I want is mine for the taking.

It's hard to find a nice guy in LA.
I'm not beautiful.

- Really?
- Hmm.

You're insane.

And you're sweet.
But I don't really fit the mould.

Don't even know if I really belong here.

I mean, I want to write
children's books, not screenplays.

Wait a second, didn't you tell me

you were working your way
through cooking school?

Yeah, that's the other thing.
I can't make up my mind.

I want to be someone new
every other week.

You like that? Tell me you like it.

Tell me you want Charlie's
dirty fingers inside your pudding.

No, Charlie.

I won't tell you that, and I don't like it.

- What?
- You kind of just

finger-blasted me out of nowhere.

I know, I know. I'm sorry.

Look, I don't know
who you've been talking to,

or what kind of porn
you've been watching,

but girls in the real world,
we don't go from kissing

to finger-banging
in a matter of seconds.

You're right, you're right.
You're absolutely right.

I have been watching
so much porn on the Internet lately.

And I've been seeking
so much sexual gratification

that it's like I don't even know
how to relate

- to real women any more.
- Clearly.

Yeah, it's as if going ATM
has become de rigueur.

Um...

- What?
- Ass to mouth.

- Oh, that's not good.
- I know.

No, I mean you could get an infection.

I know. Been there.

Oh, what do we have here?

Hey, who's this clown?

Just some old guy from earlier
who keeps hitting on me.

Said he'd give me 30 bucks
for a hand job.

Oh, are we're playing
that game now, are we?

Yo, pal, why don't you just
take a walk somewhere?

Why don't you just kiss
my turd cutter, little lumberjack?

OK. So what's up?

- Oh, no.
- You wanna get hit?

You want a dry thumb up the ass?

You had to think about it, right?

You wanna just get out of here?

- Gladly.
- No, no, no.

- You don't want to do that.
- Why not?

Cos I'm in charge of
getting you home safely.

No, I'm in charge of
getting me home safely.

Now you're just splitting hairs.

Little hairs. Pubic hairs.

Well, that's impossible.

Cos I don't have any pubic hairs.

Come on.
Why would you want to do that?

What's wrong with a little hair
down there?

You kids today with
your self-loathing pube abuse.

What about you, buster?

- Keep a clean playground?
- What the fuck?

It's a simple question, brosephine.

Broseph... Yeah, yeah.
Of course, everyone does.

Ah.

- Homo.
- Say what?

Homo.

What?

You really think you're having
better sex than your parents?

You think that your father loved
your mother's beautiful pussy

any less because
she had more hair down there?

Don't be talking about my mom's pussy.

What? I said it was beautiful, man.

What are you doing?

Whoo! Oh, sorry. You're crazy.

Now, this is more like it.

I still can't believe you gave
that guy a titty-twister.

Mmm.

The titty-twister is frowned upon
in some circles,

but it's actually a remarkably
effective street-fighting tool.

And it can diffuse
a potentially incendiary situation.

And it provokes laughter. You see that?

- What'd I tell you?
- Oh, gosh.

I'm having fun.

Well, of course you are.
I know how to show a girl a good time.

A few drinks, some dancing,
a little titty-twisting,

toss a few burgers down her throat.

Get her home before this low-rider
turns back into a pumpkin.

Bong-bong.

- This is amazing.
- That?

- Bargain-basement promise land?
- Um.

Say what you want, but this is
where dreams come true.

Or come to die.

Where you from?

Born and bred in the Bronx.

- The Bronx?
- Mmm-hmm.

- That's an amazing place to be from.
- Yeah.

Well, how many of us
make it from there to here?

Doesn't matter. You did.

We'll see how long I last.

I heard your music. I don't think
you have anything to worry about.

So, you leave tonight?

Yes, sirree, ma'am.

- Let me ask you a question.
- Mmm-hmm.

If you're leaving tonight,
like, this very night.

Yeah.

What's the harm in a good-bye kiss?

Well, when you put it that way,
it's hard to see the harm.

I know, right?

- Maybe just one.
- Oh, yes. Of course.

What the fuck you got to say
for yourself now, motherfucker?

Uh...

- Come on!
- Santa Monica Cop

cannot be my last credit.

Oh, my God.

I'm just fucking with you, Moody.

It's funny how at peace I was with it.

Yeah, well, you seemed
like you were really relaxed.

What's up, mama?

Man, the fucking script was
off the charts, homie.

- You like it?
- Like it? Nigga, I love it, man.

Made me one bad-ass motherfucker.

I'll be able to walk on that set
with confidence, dude.

My dick just swinging everywhere, man.

Thank you, Moody. For real.

You're welcome, Calvin.

He show you a good time, mama?

Yeah, it was all right.

Kind of limited, boring white guy.

Guilty as charged.

You all two motherfuckers
knocked boots, man?

- What the fuck?
- Babe, I mean, honestly, come on.

I mean, this guy? Are you serious?

Well, way to knock a guy
when he's got a gun to his throat.

I'm just fucking with you, bro.

I can't stop fucking with you, man.

I'm in character.

Understood.

- You got a flight to catch, right?
- Mos def.

Sorry.

I do have a flight to catch.

- Safe travels.
- See you around, Hank.

Yeah, good luck with that
whole becoming-a-star thing.

Ah, thank you,
and good luck with that whole

keeping-it-simple thing.

Ah, speaking of which, look.
It's from the baby mama.

Ah, shit, I got a lot
of those motherfuckers.

- Yeah, how many?
- Shit, I'm not sure.

- I got it written down somewhere.
- Yes.

Hello?

Hey.

Where is she?

She's in her room. She won't come out.

I mean, I haven't seen her
this upset since...

Ever.

- You're burying the lead.
- Which is saying something.

This is good news.

They broke up. He's gone.

Yeah, but I'm not going
to break out the champagne

when she's this upset.

- He was cheating on her, Hank.
- You're kidding.

I'll alert the media.

- Nice.
- Why would he tell her that?

I don't know.

These things, they...

They hurt, you know?

I know.

Can I come in
or are visiting hours over?

- Shut up.
- There's my girl.

You can come in.

But you'd better not gloat.

Gloat? Me?

Never.

Please, you hated him.

Yes, I did. But I hate everybody.

And you've got a tough road
ahead of you.

Nobody's gonna be good enough
for my little girl.

Guess I finally understand why mom
put up with your shit for so long.

What do you mean?

He's an asshole, and
I hate his stinking guts right now.

But it doesn't mean I don't love him.

Yeah.

I get that.

And he was a great lover.

That's gross, honey.

Sorry.

Thought I was talking
to a friend for a minute there.

Yeah, no, you are,
and that's a great compliment.

But it doesn't make it any less grody.

Have to hand it to the guy, though.

He was honest.

OK, that's good, right?

In a totally soul-crushing,
heartbreaking kind of way, sure.

He fessed up to being a lying, cheating,

skulduggerous little manwhore.

Come on, let's go.

We'll go to the canals.
We'll walk on the canals.

Remember we used to do the shit
out of that when you were a kid?

It's like penicillin for the lovelorn.
Come on.

- Come on, let's go.
- Don't you have a plane to catch?

I can always get one tomorrow.

Or the next day, or the next day.

There's no place I'd rather be.

I'm sorry, sweetie.