Californication (2007–2014): Season 5, Episode 2 - The Way of the Fist - full transcript

Previously on Californication...

It's your agent calling from the coast

with the prospect
of a significant payday.

I'll take it.

Oh, shit.

Man, what are the odds?

I end up next to the most
beautiful woman in the tri-state area,

and I go and spill a drink in her lap.

I guess we shouldn't ruin it
by keeping in touch or anything.

Alas, this one's
not your lady any more, Hank.

- He's like you.
- Bates.



But awesome.

How's Becca?

- Boyfriend?
- I mean, I wanna kill him, Hank.

We're keeping it simple.

I come in peace, OK?

The kid's a loathsome fucking asshole.

Great seeing you, Dad.
Always a pleasure.

He wants Hank to come to him.

Who the fuck is "he"?

Samurai Apocalypse.

I need your words.

What the fuck else you gonna do,
write another book?

Fuck that. Let's get paid, motherfucker.

Moody, this is Kali.
Remember this name, Kali, yo.



Oh, my word.

I don't think this is such a good idea.

Why?

Was I doing something wrong?

Oh, no, no, no. That was world class.

Some girls are timid
and lack focus, but you,

you should be in porn.

Hmm?

But only if you want to be.

You are not taking this in the spirit
in which it was intended.

Mmm-mmm.

Mmm.

Allow me to explain.

No, allow me, motherfucker!

Die!

Die, motherfucker!

Whoo!

Charlie, thank God.

You weren't just blowing me right now,
were you?

No, sirree, I most certainly was not.

- Not even a little bit?
- No. No.

Your Magic Johnson
was nowhere near my oral cavity.

I did just beat off in the shower, though.

Yeah. I even got a little cum
on my foot, right here.

Don't worry, washed right off.

You are a fucking animal,
you know that?

Goddamn LA.

I only have dreams like this
when I'm here.

Hey, now. You relax.

Have yourself a cup of black gold.

Hey, you know what we'll do?

We will...
We will take a walk along the beach,

we'll gaze upon
some foxy Malibu hard bodies.

Fuck that shit.

Can you get me on a plane back
to New York tonight, please?

- What about Samurai Apocalypse?
- What about him?

He wants you, and only you.
He loves your black ass.

Well, it's always nice
to have one's black ass wanted,

but I'm not sure
if the feelings are reciprocated.

Well, then you'll have to tell him.

That's your job, agent.

He is a very important client, Hank.
This needs to be finessed.

- And if it isn't?
- Then I will be very upset with you.

And what would that entail, exactly?

I'm not sure exactly.

But it will probably involve

not returning your calls
in a timely manner.

Oh, no.

Aw, fuck.

Yola.

Becca is really upset with you.

Yeah, that's sort of
a trending topic right now.

I just think you should try and make
it up to her before you leave town.

White woman, please.
She'll thank me later.

Maybe, but you know, in the meantime,
you could kiss and make nice.

- She's your only daughter.
- Oh, thank God. What?

What are you doing over there?
Are you and Bates playing grab ass?

- Stop.
- Woman.

- Stop.
- Be a professional,

for Christ's sake.

Does Becca need an iPad
or something like that?

- What?
- Bye, Hank.

Ka...

Charlie, can you get me an iPad?

Most certainly,
if you sit down with the Samurai.

You're a real twatty fucking cunt,
you know that?

Twat? Twat? I cunt hear you.

I've got an ear in-fuck-tion.

I'll finger it out later.

You still got some cum on your foot.
Made you look.

Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah. Becca Moody.

Ta-da.

Ta-da.

Oh. You have one already?

I'm not 12.
You can't bribe me any more.

Well, you can, but you have to
adjust for lifestyle and inflation.

I am not trying to bribe you, sweetie.

I'm just trying to weaken your
steely resolve to hate the old man.

I don't hate you.

I'm just disappointed
that you don't trust me,

and that you can't put aside
all your petty judgemental bullshit

for the duration of one simple dinner.

That's fair.

But he was kind of a tool.

This is how you say you're sorry?

You're right. Let's switch gears.

What?

Mmm.

- What, you don't want to man pound?
- Not really.

Especially when you put it that way.

- OK, fine, be that way, dude.
- What are you doing here?

- I go here.
- Aren't you a little old for college?

What are you on, the 6-year plan,
Stephen Hawking?

- It's called grad school. I'm a TA.
- It's how we met.

Hey, that's against the rules.

Dad, during your tenure
as a college professor,

you slept with your TA,

the dean's wife
and one of your students.

She was a stripper, too.

Way to go, Hank. Up high.

If you must know, that was
a particularly tough time for me.

- I was not well.
- Mmm-hmm.

And I have learned
from my mistakes.

This is not going as I had hoped.

IPad 2? Very nice.

He tried to bribe me with it.

- You already have one.
- That she does.

Well, I don't already have one.

Wow. Thanks, Hank.
You're really starting to grow on me.

Pink, though? Is that...
Whatever, I'll take it.

Mmm.

Put my daughter
back on the ground, please.

- Fredo, how's it hanging?
- Oh, quite low, sir.

- Is the master expecting you?
- No, this is more of a cold call.

- Oh, do please come in, sir.
- Thank you.

- Hey.
- What the fuck are you doing here?

I might ask you the very same question.

It's complicated.

I'm guessing
he doesn't know we're married.

- You're funny.
- And we just made out. On a plane.

We were up in the air.
What's the big deal?

You know, he has guns,

and samurai swords.

I had a dream about you last night.

- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.

You know what's funny?

That little high school
make out session of ours,

I can't stop thinking about it.

- You?
- Never.

- Ever.
- Hmm.

You have extremely moist lips.
They're like kissable cupcakes.

It's as if sprinkles and crumbs

Got together and made sweet love

and had these delicious little
smoochable cupcake babies.

Hank Moody! Wassup, nigga?

Better not be hitting on my girl.

- I'm not your girl, Calvin.
- Ooh, Calvin?

Just playing, baby.
What you doing here, man?

You should be in Starbucks
writing me some funny shit,

some funny, quotable shit, too, nigga.

Yeah, that's the thing.
I don't think I can do it.

What the fuck you talking about, man?

What, they ain't paying you enough?

No, no, it's not the money.
I just don't want to.

Why, because I'm black?

No, it's not cos you're black.
I love the fact that you're black.

What, it's because I got a white butler?

No, I love the fact
that you got a white butler.

Alfred is awesome.

- Oh, thank you, sir.
- Respect.

Or it's because you hate hip hop, right?

No! Well, yeah, I do hate hip hop,
but that's not why.

Oh, you're just mad cos I be dealing
with that crazy-ass pussy, huh?

No, I fuck all sorts of crazy pussy, too.

Nigga, you don't be fucking
the kind of crazy pussy I be fucking.

Tell him, Alfred.

Nigger, you don't be fucking
the same kind of crazy pussy

as he be fucking, sir.

You'd be surprised, both of you.

Yeah, right, like this fine-ass bitch
right here.

Will you stop calling me
a fucking bitch, please?

Come on, mama,
just peacocking, baby.

She is a beautiful woman. True dat.

What's with the use
of all this urban patois, man?

Hey, it's the ABCs of me, baby.

Aw, fuck.

Yo, I gotta be somewhere, man.
Come with me, yo.

Give me one day
and I'm gonna show you

why you want to be
in the Apocalypse business, man.

- He did what?
- Are you gonna make her repeat it?

- I need to understand.
- You're saying he took it out.

He took his penis out, and
he was masturbating in front of Ava.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Masturbating?

Poor little Ava.

She's so cute, but she's
a little tweaked, though, right?

- You gotta admit.
- You can't even call it masturbation.

I mean, he's barely three.

Can you cover that? Cover it up.

Well, his penis was fully erect
and he was manipulating it.

Sounds like he was experimenting.

Maybe he just intended to be funny.

You know, bring a little sunshine
into her day.

I blame you, Charlie.
Like father, like son.

Oh, yeah, right, the day you...

Charlie, Marcy, this is not the time
or the place for the blame game.

How can we repair this?

Ava's mother was horrified.

- Sure.
- Oh, it's terrible.

And she's threatening
to pull her out of school.

That would be bad.

We'd rather that not happen,

so perhaps an apology.

How about a sizable donation?

Well, that would be helpful as well.

- Done.
- I'm sure.

- Thank you.
- Very helpful.

Now if you'll excuse me.

Great. You write the cheque.
I'll press the flesh.

Come on,
we have the nanny interviews.

I know, I know.

What happened to Irma? "I put perfect."

Marcy gave her the axe.

What?

Involve the father, maybe?

Are you gonna be paying their salary?

No, but she's gonna spend
a lot of time around my son,

and I should be given
meaningful consultation.

Fine. Fine. We'll narrow it down.
We'll bring you in for call backs, OK?

- Stuart!
- Right, I'm coming.

What the fuck?
Don't mess with my music, man.

That's my shit, motherfucker.
That's me.

All right, how am I supposed to know?
That could be Run DMC for all I know.

Man, you don't know shit
about hip hop, do you?

No, I'm more of a classic rock guy,
you know,

- Zeppelin, The Who, Zevon.
- Oh.

- Air Supply.
- Oh, no.

All that fucking dinosaur shit
sound the same to me.

See, this is a real
ebony and ivory moment here.

We hate each other's music,
which makes us different,

but kind of the same.

Uh, huh.

- Feel me?
- Yeah, I feel you.

- Want to man pound?
- No.

Little dap? Gonna leave me hanging?

- Hang, motherfucker.
- Oh, now this I like.

Oh, that's Kali, man.
Fucking voice of an angel.

- Church.
- I tell you something, Moody.

I been around the world, man,
I railed many bitches, man,

but this one right here,
she's something special, man.

I think she gonna be a big star.

This car is giving me
the fucking creeps.

I feel like we're about to
roll into the Warsaw ghetto.

Total shit, I ain't never been there.
How the fuck is the food?

Scarce.

What are we doing here?

Big Hollywood meeting, man.
Look alive.

- Pete Berg.
- Hey, hey, Sam.

Looking good, man.
Concrete, concrete, baby.

Hank Moody, writer/rapist.

What's up?

How you doing? Good to meet you.

Uh, actually I think we know
some of the same people.

In fact, I actually think we've been
inside some of the same people,

if you know what I'm saying.

Yeah, I think I do know
what you're saying,

and I think it's creeping me out.

Yeah, well, we got a meeting,
so see you.

All right, cool. I'll be at the bar.

No, no. Hold on, whoa, hold on.

Nah, he's with me, yo.
He's gonna be writing my shit.

Oh, come on. No way, man.
I mean, no disrespect.

Sam, I just did a serious
rewrite on the script, I mean...

Yeah, but the shit ain't cracking, man.

I need my shit to crackle, man.

- What's the catchphrase?
- Catchphrase? Uh...

Killing bad guys is my business
and business is fucking cracking.

Killing bad guys is my business...

And business
is fucking cracking.

Business is nah.
I don't know about that, man.

- You know what?
- Cracking.

I'm gonna go drop some heat.
Y'all chop it up, a'ight?

What the fuck are you doing?
What is this?

- What are you talking about?
- Why are you suddenly in my shit?

I don't want to be. I'm trying to pass.

This guy won't take no for an answer.

You are a middle-aged white guy.

What the fuck do you know
about black culture?

Absolutely nothing, but you're
making Santa Monica Cop?

What the fuck does that
have to do with black culture?

The character was originally
from Compton, get it?

- Whatever, dude.
- You ever been to Compton?

Go make your movie.
I'm no threat to you.

Oh, really? You're no threat to me?

- You sure about that?
- Yeah.

- Sure?
- Go.

- What about Michelle?
- Michelle?

Girl you fucked while I was
still going out with her.

- Oh, OK.
- Oh, uh-huh.

I'm sorry, I had no idea.

Yeah, well, she found out I was
fucking around on her a little bit.

- We had a little fight.
- Mmm-hmm.

She went to a bar in Venice.

She met you, she fucked you,

she told me about it in a fucking email.

A very descriptive fucking email,
which actually I still have.

Would you like me to read it to you?

No! I think that's a terrible idea.

- You sure?
- Well, you know,

actually, it might be kind of
an interesting time capsule for me.

You know, like a stroll down memory...
No, actually, no.

Don't, I'm good. All right?

- And again, I'm sorry.
- I loved her.

I actually think she was the one.

Then why were you cheating on her?

It was gonna be the last time,
that's why.

It was my kind of final dalliance.
I was ready to hang it up.

I mean, that's how much
this girl meant to me.

She actually made me reconsider

all the fucked up shit
I'd done behind her back.

I'm sorry for your loss, Peter.

Shit happens.

Yeah, well, shit happens.
Shit does, in fact, happen.

Well, hey,
maybe that's your catchphrase.

But it's a black movie,
so maybe "shit be happening."

- OK, let's go.
- Where?

Outside. You and I
are gonna settle this like men.

- Let's go.
- Why?

For years, I've been tormented
by the image of my girl,

the one that got away,

getting banged out
by some smug fucking writer.

Time to make this right.

Let's go. Let's go!

Really? You made a movie
about a battleship?

Come on, man, just,
thanks for Aspen Extreme.

Put your shit out there.

What the fuck y'all crackers
up to out here, man? What up, Pete?

Nah, he fucked one of my ex-girls,
when I was still with her.

- Oh, come on.
- Moody, you a fucking dog.

- Raping and pillaging?
- I didn't know.

Man, I'll kill that motherfucker
that touch my girl.

- Get him, Berg!
- Whose side are you...

- Uh...
- Oh!

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Ava's mom.
- Oh, no, I'm...

I'm Charlie Runkle.
Stuart's dad, we spoke on the phone.

No, I'm just the nanny, but come in.

Oh! Oh, oh.

This must be Ava.

Hello, Ava.

Ava, darling, calm down.

Why don't we go to your room?

Hello, Mr Runkle.

- Hello, Mrs, uh...
- Call me Alison.

And you call me Charlie.

Uh, OK.

I just wanted to stop by, in person,
and apologise for my son's behaviour.

Your son's disgusting behaviour.

Ava's cried herself to sleep
every night since the incident.

How can we make this better?

You're an agent, aren't you?

That I am. UTK.

You must know my husband, Bruce.
Business Affairs at Warners.

Oh. Uh, of course. Tough negotiator.

But fair. Always fair.

Bullshit!

He's an abusive sociopath
and a casual alcoholic.

- I'm not the biggest fan.
- Neither am I.

Actually, uh, he's kind
of a bully, in fact.

Yes. Yes, he is,
and I have the scars to prove it.

OK. Um, a peace offering.

What do you say,
you and I discuss this further

over a glass of Sauvignon blanc?

I shouldn't. But I will.

- Karma's a bitch, ain't it?
- It's not karma.

It's just shitty fucking luck.

That motherfucker's
a good director, too, man.

Hope you didn't fuck my shit up.

I don't care about your shit right now.

I care about my fucking eye.

Crying motherfucker.

No, I ain't crying. Shut the fuck up!

My man, this nigga crying, man.

Check this shit.

- Whoa!
- Oh!

Off me, nigga!

Oh, this motherfucker shot me, man!

Hey, look who's crying now.

Chase, take that motherfucker
to the hospital, man.

No, man!

Oh, shit.

I ain't got no fucking medical!

What does your wife do?

She has sex with a very rich
movie producer named Stu Beggs.

Mmm.

- Of course. Marcy.
- Mmm-hmm.

I see her all the time at the Bar Method.

I had sex with Stu Beggs once.

Yeah, I was his development girl
for a short time in the mid '90s.

- Huge penis.
- Yes, I'm well aware.

- Like a bratwurst.
- OK. Enough.

He asked me to pee on him.

Really?

Did you?

Yes.

I had to go. Seemed silly to just say no.

Makes sense.

I don't want to take Ava
out of Broken Arrow.

It's a great school, and it funnels
into all the best elementary schools.

That is what they say.

So,

how do we fix this?

What makes boys want to take their
dicks out and show them to girls?

Uh, I don't know.
Pride of ownership, maybe?

Are you gonna take yours out?

I'm sorry?

Don't you want to show me yours?

My

- penis?
- Your dick.

Your sausage. Your cock,
whatever you want to call it.

Are you gonna take it out
and masturbate for me?

Just like your son did
in front of my daughter.

Why would I do that?

Why not?

That's right.

Touch yourself.

You filthy pig.

You pervert.

Why do you want
to show me your dick?

That pathetic little excuse for a penis.

It looks like your son's.

Do you fuck grown women
with that thing?

Are they ever satisfied?

How could they be?

What's it like

to have the desire,
but not the right tool for the job?

Jesus Christ, Lizzie!
How about some fucking privacy?

I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!

- Oh, my God.
- Oh.

Clean up in here, you pig.

Hey, are you OK?

I just got fired.

Oh, no. Oh, I'm so sorry.

Don't be.
She was a nightmare to work for.

Yeah, I got the feeling.

She hits on everyone, you know.

Messengers, mailmen, gardeners.

I walked in on her
and the DirecTV guy once.

She had her finger up his ass.

- Up his ass?
- Yeah, she's really fucked up.

I should say so.

Hey, are you looking for a new gig?

Yeah, absolutely.
I really need the money

- for cooking school.
- Awesome.

- People love food.
- Yeah.

Well, as luck would have it,

my ex-wife is looking
for a new nanny for our son.

And your son is the one
who exposed himself to Ava.

Yes. Yes, but he's really very sweet.

My guess is,
he meant it as a compliment.

What do you think?

Any interest?

Thank you.

So look, man, you had a chance
to spend the whole day with me.

Know what I mean?
See behind the curtain.

So what's this gonna be?

No disrespect, but I think
I'm gonna have to pass.

I gotta...

Will you excuse me for a second?

Hey, Tyler.

Hank.

What's up, man?
Fancy seeing you again.

This is not what it looks like.
This is my sister.

How's Becca?

She's at home with her mom.
She didn't want to come out tonight.

You know, I really dig that about her.

- She know where you are?
- Yeah, of course.

I was just texting with her.

Does she know about your sister?

OK, I really like Becca, OK, I do,

but life is short, man,
you know, and just sometimes,

sometimes shit happens.

Is she aware of how loose
this arrangement is?

I don't know, Hank. We're just
sort of taking it day by day.

Shit. You got that look in your eye,
like you want to hit me.

Feel free.

If you want your daughter
to hate you for life.

Gotcha!

Look, is there anything else
you want to discuss?

No? OK, cool. Have a good night.

Hey, sis.

What the fuck was that all about?

Some guy my daughter's seeing
doesn't seem entirely faithful.

I think he's gonna break her heart.

Maybe we should break his legs first.

That was my first impulse,

but if I do that,
then she's gonna hate me forever.

I have a history of doing
the well-intentioned wrong thing

when it comes to her.

So Moody's a good father, huh?
I like that in a brother.

Me, too.

You know what?
I'm gonna... I'm gonna take off.

Peace.

Peace out, nigga.

Good luck on your project.

Just so you know,
you're well represented

in this battle of the exes.

I got your back, rapist.

Mucho apreciado, Batesy.

- Ladies.
- Oh, my God.

You've been in town for two days
and you have a black eye already.

Apparently, I had it coming.

Really? Shocker.

Becca, can I speak with you a moment?

No.

Go and speak with him.

I just wanted to say
I'm sorry, you know?

It's not right of me to swoop in here

and give you a hard time about your life.

But you have to know
it comes from a good place.

You know, a place
of wanting to protect you

from all the bad shit that's out there.

I know what guys are like.

I've been that guy.

I am that guy,

sometimes.

It's just so hard to tell the difference

between those that have a good heart

and the ones
that are just out there to win.

He's a good guy, Dad. I know it.

I know it like I know
you're a good guy, deep down.

Speak of the handsome devil.

Hold on a sec, Dad.

Hello.

You did good. It'll be OK.

You sure about that?

Can someone take me to the hospital?

Why? What's happened?

Tyler was leaving some club
in Hollywood,

and he got jumped
by a bunch of gangbangers.

They beat him up pretty bad.
He's at Cedars.

Sweetie, I'm so sorry.
Of course, come on. Let's go.

- Um, have you got the keys?
- Yeah, yeah.

Sounds like the little turd fondler
finally pissed off the wrong guy.