Californication (2007–2014): Season 5, Episode 10 - Perverts & Whores - full transcript

Previously on Californication...

Ah, God, I love fucking you.

God, I love fucking you, too.

Hey, hey, hey.

- How's Batesy?
- Rehab.

You still thinking about leaving him?

You have a magnificent body.

Do you think I have
what it takes to be an actress?

Yes.

Have you had a chance to talk to Stuart

about Santa Monica Cop?



If there's a part that I could read for?

No, but I will.

Trixie.

That is a terrific name,
if you're a hooker.

You take Diners Club?

I'm not kidding.

In about five minutes,

Tyler's going to be the hottest
screenwriter in the business.

Someone has to represent him.
Why not me?

Because you're
my fucking agent, Charlie.

- You're fired.
- What?

We're bringing in another writer
for the on-set work.

Charlie sent me to meet with Stu.

- Charlie did?
- Yeah, I just signed with him.



You just signed with Charlie?

I don't want to hit you.

I don't want to have anything
to do with you, all right?

- Come on, buddy, don't be that way.
- I am not your buddy

and you're fucking fired,

as an agent and a friend.

Five minutes. That's all I need.

Charlie, he doesn't
want to see you.

Same as yesterday. I'm sorry.

He's never been
this mad at me before, Karen.

I don't know what to do.

He feels like you betrayed him.

I did, I did!

I... I... I saw the forbidden fruit
dangle in front of my face,

and I took a big bite, a juicy bite.
It was wrong. I see that now.

- What can I do?
- Something. Anything.

Maybe, um, tease him a little bit,
you know.

Show a little flesh, a little nip-slip.

Whatever gets me in the door.

I am married to another man, Charlie.

Sure, sure, sure.

But you and Hank, you know,
you're always just a nod and a wink

from jumping back in the sack.

Or not.

OK, I'll be on my way.

- Hey.
- Ha!

Having a pool is awesome.

Having a husband in rehab
is even better.

Hank, that was Charlie again.

Fuck that penis-headed motherfucker!

- Hank, forgive me.
- No!

I'll do whatever it takes!

Fuck you, Charlie.
There's nothing you can do.

This is the pink slip to my Porsche.

Hank, I signed it over to you. It's yours.

Fine, I'll take it.

- So we're good now?
- No, never.

People are calling, Hank!
There are opportunities to discuss!

Refer them to my new agent.

You have a new agent?

I'm taking meetings.

You're taking meetings?

- Well, Hank, do something!
- He's fine.

He's like a beluga.

- Come on!
- I think he's got a blowhole.

I'll be on my way.

See you in hell, motherfucka!

Don't say motherfucker like that!
It makes me miss you!

Have a nice day, honey.

Too soon?

Good luck with your meetings.

Well, thank you.

It's about time I got myself
some serious representation, huh?

You seem to be doing just fine
with your current representation.

Previous representation, Karen.
Previous.

Come on.
Charlie's been good for you, Hank.

Au contraire, lady fair.

I have done well in spite of Charlie,
not because of him.

Come on, that guy would
take a bullet for you.

Oh, please, he'd piss himself
and run away screaming.

Really? That's awesome.

You're so brilliant, baby.

Oh, I don't know what's more offensive,
"brilliant" or "baby".

- Stop.
- OK. Call me later.

Love you.

No, love you more.

- I saw that.
- What?

- You pretended to throw up.
- I wasn't pretending.

I think I threw up for real.
Look, sputum.

On the marble. Look...

Tyler says that Apocalypse
loves his ass, thinks he's brilliant.

You do realise you're talking
to the man he replaced, right?

I'm sorry, Dad.
Didn't mean to embarrass you.

You didn't embarrass me.
You insulted me.

And Sam will love his ass

right up until the point
where he doesn't.

He's a very fickle mistress, that brotha.

For what it's worth, I still love you.

That is worth quite a lot.

Oh!

Thank you.

Yo, lady, you wanna get in on this?

All right.

Mmm.

Mmm!

Pilates?

That's mean.

So this is what it would be like,

the three of us living in the big house

behind the white picket fence?

All my life, I thought
that sort of thing was lame.

Now I realise the joke was on me.

Have a nice day,

honey.

Nailed it!

- I got it!
- What?

The part! In Santa Monica Cop.

Really?

Hey, why do you sound so surprised?
You don't think I've got the goods?

No, I know you got the goods, all right.

I just, it's... It was such a long shot.

I know, but Stu said that I nailed it.

Oh, Stu said that, did he?

Yep. Are you proud?

Of course. It's awesome.

I know! Oh, I'm so excited!
Oh, um, I have to get naked, though.

Well, of course you do.

But it's a good thing
you look pretty amazing naked.

Thank you, my Lord.

Speaking of you looking
amazing naked, can we make love?

No, I'm, I'm sorry,
but I don't have the time, Charlie.

You sure? I can be quick about it.
I could really use the release.

I'm sorry, but
I, I have three auditions all over town,

and then I have to pick up
Stuart from school.

Wait, why are you all wet?

So, Hank, tell me,
what do you wanna do next?

What is your wildest dream?

Well, my wildest dream involves
a three-breasted midget

with labial piercings
and a desire to please.

But as far as Hollywood is concerned,

I think I'd just like to work
with a world-class director for once.

I'm sick and tired of the hack parade.

And why haven't you done that?

I don't know. Maybe it's me.
Maybe I just don't got the goods.

Nonsense.

It's because you haven't had
somebody in your corner

making it happen for you.

Your former representative,
if I can even call him that,

a sad, desperate soul.

He's more interested in having
an office to jerk off in

than making
his clients' dreams come true!

All right, I can make fun
of Runkle, but you can't, OK?

Same with my mother.

I respect that.

And I apologise.

See, that is the kind of honour
I'm talking about, Hank.

I can also make that three-breasted
midget thing happen for you.

- I know a guy.
- Wow.

Hey, boys!
I see we're drinking our lunch.

Stu Baggs! How's the horse cock?

- Well... Shh...
- Come on.

Take out just enough of it to scare me.

Hank, if you absolutely
have to leave Runkle,

and I believe you do, this is the guy!

I'm not talking to you, Stu.

Look, I know I fired you,

but that doesn't mean I don't
love you with all my heart.

Don't be a grudge-holder, Hank.
It's unbecoming.

Don't worry, Hank.
I'll hold the grudge for you.

So, who are you having lunch with?

Well, actually, um,
this could be slightly awkward.

Slightly?

Stu.

Larry.

Hank.

After the shit
I've seen you do to yourself,

there's no way I'm touching

that fucking disgusting mitt
of yours, Runkle.

Understood.

Just take good care of him, OK?

Just because I fired you, Charlie,

doesn't mean I don't love you
with all my heart.

I know that.
It makes me feel a little better.

Just kidding.

Fuck you, motherfucka!

No crying at The Palm, Runkle.

If you're not careful, it'll be on Deadline

before you get back to the office.

Mmm.

Larry, it's been a slice.

This meeting's not over yet, Hank.
There's somebody I'd like you to meet.

Follow me.

Thank you, Romeo.

Are you OK, Runkle?

Am I OK, Stu?

I'm the furthest from OK I've ever been.

I've lost the only client
who ever meant anything to me.

OK, OK.

Just keep your
fucking voice down, Runkle.

I mean, I've seen at least three of
your other clients in this very room.

I mean, do you want them
to see you like this?

Whatever.

Least I still got Lizzie.

Yeah.

So she really nailed it, huh?

Yeah, I mean, she was good.
I mean, she was fine.

Well, but you gave her the part, right?

I mean, she must have been
better than fine.

Well, you know,
she's certainly gorgeous.

Yes, I know.

Yeah, something's
not adding up here, Stu.

You don't wanna know, Charlie.

Know what?

Look, the only reason I'm going
to tell you

is because I think you need to know
what you're dealing with here.

OK.

Gentlemen.

She blew me.

What? Who?

Lizzie.

That's crazy.

She offered me a blowie in exchange
for the role.

Now, I took it.
It was an honest transaction.

How could you do that to me?

- Or Marcy?
- Hey, hey, hey.

That one little blowjob,
however delightful,

in no way diminishes the depth
of my feeling for my beloved wife.

- Oh, I think it does.
- Runkle,

you know,
there are certain things in this life

that a man just cannot pass up.

And one of them is having Lizzie's lips

wrapped around my love cannon.

I can't believe my girlfriend blew you!

She's not your girlfriend.

OK, so we haven't had
that conversation.

- I still feel she's my one and only.
- Well, guess what, she's not, OK?

She is a fucking climber
and she's doing it with style.

How do you know
I won't tell Marcy about this?

- What is wrong with you?
- What?

Why would you do that?

Why would you want to
hurt the mother of your child?

You know, that is sick.

That is something
only a monster would do, Charlie.

Now, are you ready to order?
I gotta get to the set.

Romeo?

So I hear your work is very sexual, ja?

Yeah, I suppose so.

Ja.

You know, Hank, I would very much
like to work with you.

Wow. That would be
a dream come true.

You work fast, dude.

- It's what I do.
- Uh-huh.

I have to say that your, your, your work

has meant a lot to me
over the years, sir.

"Sir"? What is with this "Sir"?
You can call me Lars, ja?

OK, Lars,

I just gotta say that it's really a kick

to be sitting across from a filmmaker
whose work I admire.

Usually, I work with directors
whose movies suck so hard

that I have to pretend
that I was out of the country

or in a coma when they were released,
if you know what I'm saying.

That is excellent, Hank. So nice to hear.

Hollywood has gone to shit. Schei?e.

What should we do? We should leave?
Get out? No!

We dig in. We fight.

Ja.

I see myself returning to my root.

I wish next to make
something very violent,

very sexual.

Wheelhouse!

Ja.

I want to make a picture about

the most famous whore
in the history of mankind,

Mary Magdalene.

Interesting.

Jennifer Aniston.

She is attached.

OK.

Why can't the Bible be sexy, huh?

Totally. That's what
my grandmother always used to say.

Aha! The girls are here!

- Trixie? Trixie!
- Hank!

Oh, you know each other. How lovely.

I knew this relationship
was meant to be.

Larry, my man, Runkle never set me up
on a meeting like this.

Well, I just wanted you to see
what real representation is like.

So, Hank, you do your research

and I do my research,

we compare notes, ja?

Hells ja.

Hi!

You look like a slut.

In a good way.

It's for an audition.

Is everything OK, Charlie?
You're home early.

I'm fine.

You seem awfully quiet.

Oh, what's wrong? Is it Hank?

Did you give Stu a blowjob?

No! Gross!

I knew you didn't! Thank God.

Well, maybe I did.

Maybe?

Did he drug you?

No, he didn't drug me, Charlie.

OK, I gave him a blowjob.

Why?

Because I really wanted the part.

But you might have
gotten the part anyway!

Maybe.

See, now you'll never know.

It doesn't matter any more
because I have the part.

Right.

I guess I see your logic.

It didn't mean anything, Charlie.
It was just a blowjob.

Yeah, but what happened to the girl
who, who didn't want to

go from kissing to finger-banging
in just a matter of seconds?

She's standing right here.

She still doesn't.

Just because
she gave a big movie producer

a blowjob in exchange for a role

doesn't mean
that she's changed or sold out.

He's a married man, you know.

I know, but he's the one
that accepted my offer, and...

And?

Marcy can be
really mean to me sometimes.

Yeah, she can be a real bitch.

And she has been
known to relax on the blowjobbing

once she settles in to a marriage.

Look...

I hope this doesn't
change anything between us.

I still really like you.

I really like you, too.

Cool.

OK, I have to get to my audition.

Wish me luck.

Good luck.

- And how's Becca?
- She's great. She's in college now.

Holy shit. That's trippy.

Did she end up being a lesbian?

- No, much to my chagrin.
- Hmm!

She is dating
a guy with two moms, though.

Groovy!

And Karen?

She's actually married
to this crazy fucking character.

That must really chap your hide.

Not as much as you'd think.

You know, I like him. He's a good guy.
A bit of a drinker, though.

- More so than you?
- Different.

When I drink, I do stupid shit.

And when he drinks,
he does stupid shit with young boys.

Ew! That's not good.

Almost never a good idea.

So are you still
hoping for a reconciliation?

I don't know if I'm hoping
so much as yearning, you know?

We're still
pretty much as star-crossed as ever.

Copy that.

How about you?

- Any love in your life?
- No.

The whole sex-for-money thing
kind of scares 'em off, you know?

Well, you shouldn't charge them, then.

You're funny.

It's gonna take a pretty special fella.

You think so?

I'm sick of waiting.

- So should we do this?
- Oh, we should do this.

And a little bit of that,
if you know what I'm sayin'.

OK.

Hello.

What is that?

I wouldn't worry about it.
He's a legendary kinkster.

- Lars?
- And Larry.

Those old-school guys
like to get their perv on

with the 'tutes.

- The...
- Prostitutes.

Oh, right on.

So you think she's OK?

Yeah, they're probably just playing
Passion of the Christ or something.

I missed you, Hank.

I missed you too, Trixella.

I gotta go check on her.

Clock's ticking.

Hey, dude, what's the deal?

What's the world coming to when
a whore cannot get a man hard, huh?

Relax. Pop a Viagra.

You know, you got a lot on your mind.

Viagra? I don't need that medical shit!

I'm virility incarnate, you asshole!

It's nothing to be ashamed of.
You are getting on in years.

- Fuck you, writer!
- OK, fine. Fuck me.

But take it easy on her.
I think you're scaring the girl.

You're going to tell me
how to conduct myself

in my own house with a whore?

Hey, stop raging, ja?

Hank, it's better to just let him be.

He's an artist. His passions run deep.

Fine, whore, you don't get me hard,
I will urinate on you!

Assume the position, I will piss on you!

No, don't assume anything.
Don't do that. That's gross.

Unless she's OK with it.

You OK with it? Really?

I am paying this whore for her time.

If I choose to treat her like a toilet...

- I will treat her like a toilet!
- I don't wanna fight with you.

I like your work.
I really like your work, man.

Why do I keep fighting with directors?

It's gotta be me, you know?

You happy now,
you old fucking creeper?

I didn't want to give
one of my favourite filmmakers

a bloody nose, but you made me.

He made me.

I guess it's kind of cool to realise that

world-class filmmakers are just
as fallible as the rest of us, huh?

So, yeah, I'll call you.

I'll let you know what I decide, Larry.

It was nice to meet you and you know,

thanks for lunch and for this
whole thing here, you know.

You just lost me a client

I've worked with for over three decades.

Oscars, Golden Globes, Palme d'Ors.

The agency will never sign you, Hank.

Ever.

As far as I'm concerned, you're dead.

You and that animal Runkle
deserve each other.

Great seeing you again, Hank.

You too, Trixie.

Always a pleasure.

Thanks for sticking up
for us working girls.

That's what I do.

One of these days, Hank,

you're not gonna be pining
and I'm not gonna be working.

Shit's gonna happen.

Sparks will fly.

I look forward to that.

Writer!

Get the fuck out of my house, ja?

Hey, Trixie, hold up. Hold up.

What the fuck, Charlie?

What is so important

that I have to drive all the way
to fucking Malibu?

Why can't we meet
halfway or something?

I didn't want to drink and drive.

Oh, you're such a silly cunt.

Why don't you just,
you know, come on in,

sit down, relax.

Would you like something to drink?

No, not particularly.

I think I'm gonna have a drink.

Good for you.

So what's the problem?

Is something wrong with Stuart?

No, he's sleeping.

We watched Iron Giant again.

It's such a sweet movie.

"Hogarth. Friend."

I know what this is about.
It's about Hank, right?

Look, I know you're taking it hard,

but these things tend to happen,
especially to agents.

- You guys...
- OK, it's not about Hank.

Although that has been very upsetting.

OK, can we skip to the point?

OK, OK.

- This is about you.
- Me?

I just... I...

I wanted to know if you're happy.

Of course I'm happy.

OK, so Stu...

Do you love him?

Hey, I know what this is.

This is one of your half-assed attempts

- to win me back or something, right?
- No, that's ridiculous.

No, not ridiculous, Charlie.

OK! OK!

I have to tell you something!

What?

Lizzie cheated on me.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry, Charlie.

Hank leaves you and then

Lizzie cheats on you.

It's not such a stellar week, huh?

No, not at all.

Hey, wait a minute.

Who'd she bang?

She didn't bang.

She blew.

She blew who?

Some guy in her acting class.

Oh, thank God.

I mean,

I'm really sorry, Charlie.

That's gotta suck.

Sure does.

Fuck her. She's a slut.

Can I go now?

How was your day, honey?

Ah...

Weird.

I spent the day
with perverts and whores.

- Well...
- Don't worry.

I didn't sleep with any of them.

Close, but I didn't take my cigar out.

Gross, and I don't even care.

- Sure you do, Karen.
- No, I don't.

Anyway, I don't even have a right
to care about such things.

You do too have rights.

You have the baby mama's bill of rights.

- You hungry?
- Not particularly.

But I do love watching you cook.

- Really?
- Yeah.

It's been really nice playing house
this last little while.

It's always nice to take a vacation
from your real life, Hank.

Well, all that's missing
is the vacation sex.

Which is usually pretty primo.

- Remember Paris?
- I don't.

But I do remember the inside
of a hotel room in Paris

that we never left.

Mmm-hmm.

I wanted to go to the Louvre.

And I wanted to go to the vagin.

And I think you won out.

- I think we both won out, Karen.
- Maybe.

It's just funny that,
after all these years,

we can just pick up
as if it were yesterday, huh?

I'm sure we could pick it up again,

but it would go to shit
pretty soon thereafter.

At some point soon,
we're gonna be too old

for it to go to shit.

That's so depressing.

So, uh, Bates is
coming home tomorrow.

Oh, bummer.

- I mean, that's great.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, it's good for him.
- Hmm.

We'll see.

So we've got tonight?

What?

I can't.

It doesn't mean that
some small part of you

doesn't want to,

does it?

Small?

I can't.

I know.

Maybe just knowing we could
is enough.

Actually, it's not.

I'm sorry.

- Oh, sweetie. What is it?
- What's wrong?

What do you think? Same old,
stupid, fucking shit with that asshole.

Hey, what the fuck is wrong with you?
What happened to the guy who was

head-over-heels in love
with my daughter?

I didn't do anything, Hank, I promise.

Really? She seems to think otherwise.

Well, she was looking through my texts,

and she found something
she didn't like.

Can you blame her? What was it?

It was nothing.

There was this girl who's, who's

been working with Samurai.
Kali. He's producing her...

Just stay the fuck away from her,
all right? You hear me?

Why? Did you hit that or something?
I'm just kidding, dude! I'm sorry.

Look, it's nothing to kid about, all right?

As far as Samurai's concerned,
that's his woman.

Well, I appreciate your concern, Hank,
but Sam loves the shit out of me.

Yeah, he loves the shit out of you,

right up until the point
that he finds out you've been

messing around with the woman
that he loves the shit out of.

Oh, come on, dude.
That guy gets tons of pussy.

It doesn't matter.
This is the one he wants.

Well, whatever. I really don't think

he's gonna go and beat
the crap out of me all over again.

Just keep playing with fire and we'll see.

Yeah, I hear you, "Dad." Jesus!

OK, now get the fuck out of here.

Don't come back without
a dozen roses and your dick in a box!