Californication (2007–2014): Season 5, Episode 11 - The Party - full transcript

Previously on Californication...

You have a magnificent body.

Do you think I have
what it takes to be an actress?

Did you give Stu a blowjob?

Well, maybe I did.

I'll let you know what I decide.

Oh, no, you don't!

You're signing with me,
and you're signing with me right now!

Someone has to represent him.
Why not me?

Because you're
my fucking agent, Charlie.

There's this girl who has been
working with Samurai, Kali.



Just stay the fuck away from her,
all right? You hear me?

- You're fired.
- What?

We're bringing in
another writer for the on-set work.

Charlie sent me to meet with Stu.

- Charlie did?
- Yeah, I just signed with him.

I don't want to have anything
to do with you, all right?

- Come on, buddy, don't be that way.
- Hey, I am not your buddy

and you're fucking fired,

as an agent and a friend.

Tyler switched drinks,

thought it'd be funny
to watch him get drunk.

Having a pool is awesome.

Having a husband in rehab
is even better.

Bates is coming back tomorrow.



So we've got tonight?

What's up, 24-hour party people?

Hey, Hank. You're just in time.
Have a seat.

We're just about to say grace.

For lunch? Really?

I thought that was more
of a dinner thing.

Don't get me wrong,
I've had some fabulous midday meals,

but I never thought
to thank the chairman for 'em.

But that's just me.

An ungrateful heathen.

Highway to hell and whatnot.

- What's he doing?
- Ssh! Be quiet.

If you must know,
I am letting go and letting God.

Letting God what?

Letting him in.

Letting him take care of me.

Letting him help me stay sober.

Does he let you out for
a drink every once in a while?

Nailed it.

Kid, don't leave me hanging.

- You're gonna have to go, Hank.
- Why? What?

I can't have you in my home

if you're going to mock
and challenge my sobriety.

I'm not challenging your sobriety,
but mocking it is kind of fun.

OK, I'll be good. I promise.

Sorry, Hank. I've already
discussed this with Gabriel.

Who the fuck is Gabriel?

My sponsor and personal saviour.

Sure they didn't brainwash you
over there, Batesy?

And what if they did?

Maybe my brain needed washing, huh?

- Jesus.
- Yes.

Exactly, Hank.
You just hit it on the head.

Jesus.

I'm gonna go.

Yeah.

I appreciate that, Hank.

No, no, I'm gonna hit the road.

My work here is done.

My life and my career at an all-time low.

New York is calling.
What do you make of them big apples?

Do you need a ride to the airport?

Can I get a Heineken, please?

Sure. Coming right up.

- What the fuck do you want?
- I'm just saying hey.

So did you end up
signing with Larry Levine?

No.

That didn't work out
quite as well as I'd hoped.

Yeah, I actually heard all about it.

I'm sorry.

There's no keeping
a secret in this town.

So, you ready to come back to me yet?

- Eat shit and die, Charlie.
- OK.

Oh, I also heard that Karen and Bates
gave you the bum's rush.

You're welcome to come back
and crash at the villa if you want.

I'd rather sleep in the Porsche.

You can always park it
out in front of the villa.

Don't worry your ugly,
bald head about it, OK?

I'm going back to New York anyway.

- I'm leaving tomorrow.
- I'm gonna miss you!

- No, you won't.
- Yes, I will.

No, if you were truly gonna miss me,

then you wouldn't have done
something to drive me away.

Well, maybe you should
realise my limitations

and stop expecting me to be
someone I'm not.

Nice, right?

I really kind of zinged you
with that one, huh, buddy?

Look, I'm sorry I let you down, OK?

I'm really very sorry.

I'm more sorry than I've
ever been about anything ever.

And that's saying a lot.

Oh...

And Lizzie gave Stu a blowie
in exchange for a role

in Santa Monica Cop
and I'm really torn up about it.

You're a real fucking narcissist,
you know that?

Yes, but it still hurts.

And who else do I have to share
my pitiful tales of woe with?

So you gonna come pick up
your stuff before you go?

Maybe...

I will. Maybe I won't.

Maybe I'll just sit on this barstool
all night long drinking, huh?

You'll just have to wait and see
won't you?

Now fuck off.

Be gone with you.

Hey. Lizzie, right?

Oh, Hank. Hello.

Hey, I heard you gave Stu a blowjob.

Oh. Ssh, ssh, ssh!

I'm sorry. It's just it's very hard
to keep a secret in this town.

- Impossible.
- Yeah, ain't that the truth.

Yeah, you kind of tore his heart out.

Yeah, well, so did you.

Yeah, but he gave mine
the finger first, so...

What do you care anyway?
I thought you hated him.

I do. Right now.

But that doesn't mean I want
anybody else treating him like shit.

I know. I feel bad about it, I do.

Whatever. Shit happens.

Blowjobs can be accidental.

- I know, right?
- Yeah.

You could be laughing
like you heard a joke.

Ha, ha, ha, oh, sorry.

I'm... I'm so sorry.

Well, it was an accident.

What are you doing here, anyway?

I have the night off work.
I felt like whetting my whistle.

Well, can I buy you a whistle-whetter?

You know what? I have a better idea.

What do you think about
going back to Charlie's place

and whetting our whistles there?

- What about Charlie?
- He's out for the night.

- Oh.
- Hmm.

Well, I do have to pick up my stuff.

See? It's a good idea, right?

I'm not gonna sleep with you.

Oh. You're not?

No. I couldn't do that
to the poor bastard.

At least I don't think I could.

I mean, you'd pretty much
have to tie me up

like Kathy Bates in Misery,
only instead of hobbling me,

you'd have to, you know...

Rape me.

- That sounds like fun.
- Oh, dear.

All right, Lizzie, I am reasonably certain

that I'm not gonna have sex with you.

Oh, I know you're not.

I'm glad to hear that.

And how do you know this exactly?

Surprise!

Holy shitness.

Everyone I love and loathe
all in one room.

We decided to throw you
a going-away party, Hank.

It was Charlie's idea.

- Mine.
- You shouldn't have.

I sent Lizzie to try to lure you back here.

- Did she do a good job?
- She did very well.

I thought she wanted to,
you know, fuck me.

Yeah, she's a very good actress.

- You were acting, right?
- Of course.

- I'm still mad at you.
- Of course you are.

In the meantime, enjoy your party.

- Once...
- What's wrong with you?

- So, are you really going this time?
- Yep.

Are you gonna miss
the shit out of me or what?

It's always the same thing, you know.

Whether you're coming or going,
my heart skips a beat or two,

and then I just have to clear up
the mess you leave behind.

You found a new way
of calling me a charming asshole.

- Good for you, Karen.
- Yeah.

But I've got to be off like a prom dress.

You've got a lot of shit to deal with.

Oh, I have some shit.

Who's the creeper?

Hank, I want you to meet Gabriel.

Nice to meet you, Gabe.

- It's Gabriel.
- Yeah?

So, what gives, dude?

I mean, I appreciate you
coming to the send-off and all,

but the last thing
you need is a fucking party.

That is exactly what I said.

- Right?
- Karenina.

Do you have a tampon? I just
started bleeding in my prannies.

Ambrosia.

I love a woman on her period.

- Oh, my God.
- You do?

I think it's very important
to challenge Richard's sobriety.

Great minds, Gabe.

That's what I was doing
and he kicked me out for it.

There's positive ways of doing it, Hank.

You were negging him.

How does Gabe know
I was negging him?

It's Gabriel. And he tells me everything.

- I tell him everything.
- Everything?

- Everything.
- Everything.

Does he know
about the glorious mangina?

- Everything, Hank.
- I'm not ashamed.

- Moody.
- Hey, Sam.

- What's up, man?
- How you doing?

What are you leaving for,
motherfucker?

You did fire me, buddy.

How do you feel?

- You want a drink right now?
- I do, so much.

- Here, motherfucker.
- No, no, no.

Don't fucking raise
your hand on me, man.

Who the fuck is this clown?

That's his personal saviour.

Do you need a drink right now?

No.

No, I don't need a drink.

- You see the difference, right?
- I do.

You're my angel, Gabriel.

It's a pleasure.

Fuck is that all about, man?

Fucked if I know.

- Man, we good, right?
- I don't know, Sam.

You fired me,
you dangled me off a balcony,

and then you replaced me with my
daughter's stupid fucking boyfriend.

I did all that shit
out of love, motherfucker.

That's how it's done where I'm from.

You know that, man.

I'm gonna miss you anyway,
though, buddy, for real.

- We was good together.
- All right.

Well, how's it working out
with Tyler, anyway?

That motherfucker's excellent, man.

I mean, this motherfucking kid
got my rhythm down pat.

I mean, you kind of had my shit, too, yo.

But I had to improvise around that
pretentious shit you was writing,

but the kid,
he spikes it every time, man.

- It's some bong bong.
- Great. Thanks for the download.

Hey.

Hey. You brought Kali, huh?

Yeah, I think I got
another shot at her and shit.

She really warming up to a kid, man.

And I've been on some
real gentlemen shit,

you know, fucking opening doors,
"Thank you."

When she sneeze,
I fucking bless the bitch.

All right. Good for you, man.
I hope it works out.

She's a good gal.

Motherfuckin' right she is, man.

And her career's
about to blow up to the moon.

So not only this bitch gonna make me
more money than I already have...

Mmm.

I love the shit out of her.

Thinking about putting
a baby up in her ass.

"In her ass"?

- I mean getting her pregnant.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

No, I know what you're talking about.

But I'm just thinking maybe
you should think about that.

Why the fuck not, man?

The sun got nine planets.
I can have nine baby mamas.

- Wow.
- Enjoying your partay?

Yeah, but I'm still mad at you.

Duly noted.

Damnalama, Runkle.

Who the fuck is that bitch right there?

What the fuck?

Oh, you have a little
flotsam and jetsam there.

- Oh, no.
- Yeah, there we go.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

I have to redo my makeup now.

Jesus!

Could you two be any more obvious?

What the fuck crawled up your ass,
Runkle?

We're just talking here.

Lizzie has to work
first thing in the morning,

and we are discussing her character.

Oh, I see.

So how does your character feel
about having his dick in your mouth?

- Don't be crude, Charlie.
- That's disgusting.

What do you mean it's disgusting?

It actually happened. In real life.

- It was business.
- Strictly business.

Yep. Pure biz...

Pure heavenly biz.

You just blew him again, didn't you?

I thought it was a blowjob, one blowjob.

What's the difference
between one blowjob and two?

Blowjobs are like handshakes.

My world is crumbling.

You know, you're really
going to have to find a way

to put this behind you, Runkle.

In the meantime,
could you get me another drink?

Oh. And while you're at it, Charlie...

- Just...
- Balance. Like that.

Thank you.

- Something's wrong.
- What are you going on about?

Stu and I,
we haven't fucked in, like, days.

What's so weird about that?

Sometimes you need a break
from hitting that shit.

No, trust me, it's weird.

Usually the guy can't keep
his hands off me, OK?

Fuck, the last time
something like this happened,

Charlie was playing Secretary
with his secretary.

- Remember that shit?
- Who can forget?

That was, like, the beginning of the end.

But I'm sure
it'll work itself out, you know.

Everybody goes through
their peaks and valleys.

- Yeah, you and Karen?
- Never.

That shit was fierce.

- What can I say?
- See, that's what I'm talking about.

- I want that.
- OK, look, here's an idea.

Why don't you just go grab
that well-hung makher of yours

and jump his bones,
remind him what he's missing?

We're just guys.
We're stupid sometimes.

- A lot of times.
- I know.

Don't go, Hankie.

Life's so much more interesting
when you're around.

I don't think Karen and Becca
would agree with you on that one.

They fucking love you to pieces,
you dumb shit.

We all do.
You just have trouble loving yourself.

Mmm.

Thank you, Dr Sigmund Smurf.

Well, you're welcome.

That'll be five cents, please.

Wouldn't it be great
if we could just go back

to being stupid and happy,
like those two?

It's so sweet.

- Oh.
- Can I join?

Oh, a big giraffe.

OK, now, this would be
a threesome for all times.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

This shit would be off the chain.

Our chemistry would be like pow, OK?

I would be the fucking spice,
the sexual Tabasco.

You guys could have
your sensual, your lovemaking,

and I'd work the balls
and the assholes and all that shit.

Yeah.

You know you want it.

God damn it.

Do you hear
how sexually frustrated I am?

Yes. Yes.

Fuck. I'm hot. Get off.

I need to find Stu.

I love that little chick.

- Oh, me, too.
- Stop it.

I was looking all over for you.

Here I am. Not talking to Stu.
Just doing my job.

Look, I'm sorry that I've been
such a freak about everything.

You're entitled to your feelings, Charlie.

But we're not exactly married,
you know?

I know. You're absolutely right.

You are right.

And I think I would like to change that.

What are you talking about?

I just... I'd like to put all this
nasty blowjob-s

stuff behind us and get serious.

I want to have a real
relationship with you, Lizzie.

You and me.

Sitting in a tree. K-l-S-S-l-N-G.

You're so sweet, Charlie.

It's just I've been thinking
about this a lot lately.

And I think I realised something.

I think you might be
my last hope for true love.

But how can that be, Charlie?

You've been so furious with me
for blowing Stu.

Yes, and that still doesn't sit well.

But, like I said,
I've been thinking about it,

and I don't think that it's a deal breaker.

So here are my terms.

If you would be willing
to not blow anyone but me,

then I would be willing to give
the two of us a real shot.

What do you say?

No.

No?

Just like that, "no"?

Look, we're at very different
places in our lives, Charlie.

I'm at the beginning of what I hope
will be an interesting journey,

- and you're...
- At the end?

- I didn't say that.
- But you were thinking it.

No, I wasn't.

OK, I'm gonna go, Charlie.

I have to get some rest before tomorrow

and my jaw is just killing me.

Look, why don't we
put a pin in this for the moment?

OK?

Uh, what are we doing?

Oh, I don't know, baby.

I just thought you might want to
fuck me silly on Charlie's bed.

I don't know, Marcy.
That seems kind of wrong.

- What?
- What?

We play all kinds of
crazy fucking sex games

involving humiliating my ex-husband,

and this is sick and wrong,
all of a sudden?

- What the fuck is up with you, Stu?
- Nothing.

You're on your period.

So fucking what?
We'll throw down a towel.

You said you loved my bloody cooch.

How bloody we talking?

Just started. A little rusty.

Uh...

I do love your bloody cooch.

OK, yeah. Yeah, OK.

You want to fuck? Let's fuck.

Yeah! There's my stallion.

- Here comes el presidente.
- OK, daddy.

Open wide for Chucky.

- Come on, daddy.
- Yeah. There we are.

Yeah.

- What the fuck, Stu?
- What?

You're not even remotely hard.

- Getting there.
- Not really.

Don't stare.

- You're always hard.
- Well, I had a few cocktails.

So fucking what?

I could tie you off
and shoot you up with heroin

and you'd still have a muscly
baby's arm between your legs.

I don't see why you
have to emasculate me, Marcy.

Something's up with you, Stu.

There is nothing up with me, Marcy.
Nothing.

Obviously.

God damn it.

You!

Hey, sweetie.

How you doing?

- Good.
- Yeah?

Things are good.

I feel like we're
in a good place right now.

I trust him. I really do.

I was asking more
about your general well-being.

Not your relationship.

Oh...

I'm peachy.

Are you gonna miss me?

Yes and no.

Oh, that's right. You like me better
when I'm in New York, right?

Come on, Dad. You do have
a tendency to blow into town

and cause a fair amount of chaos.

This is true.

Well, prepare for life to get
a lot more boring without me around.

I think we can handle it. Right, Mom?

Yeah, boring right now
sounds like the south of France to me.

Well, you two may need
a break from me,

but I'm gonna miss you guys
something awful.

The older I get, the clearer it becomes

that you two were the best thing
that ever happened

to an old fool like me.

And I just love you both so much.

I want you to be happy.

Oh, my God.

- Did you get that?
- Yeah, I think I did.

What? What'd I do?

Well, you were just totally sincere.

I mean, not even remotely glib.

- Huh.
- And you didn't even swear.

Right?

Fancy that. I should try that shit more...

Oh, shit.

It's OK.

You should go change your T-shirt.

You still get me wet.

You didn't hear that.

What the fuck?

I'm sorry, Hank.
You weren't supposed to see that.

Fucking-A right, I wasn't.

Look, I was overcome with emotion.

I mean, he's done so much for me.

He kissed me. On the mouth.

Yeah, he does that sometimes.

- I felt something.
- Obviously.

We went with it.

Yeah, you went with it all the
way to fucking blowjob city.

OK, what can I say?

It felt like the thing to do for the nonce.

What can you say?

Your fucking wife
is sitting right out there.

I know. It's just...

Karen and I, we're just in different
emotional zip codes right now.

Yeah, I'll say. You're in fucking
emotional West Hollywood right now.

It's not about gay or straight.

No, it never is with you.

Look, Karen does not understand
what I'm going through right now.

I'm all raw and churned up inside.

It's gonna be OK. I'm gonna find
my way back to her, I promise.

Yeah, that's what I always said.

Didn't quite make it, though, did I?

And it's not right to toy with her.

Oh, "toy". Yeah, you're one to talk.

Yeah, but for once,
I'm not the one in the wrong.

There is no right or wrong, Hank,

not when you trust your instincts.

Bates, you were getting
sucked off by your sponsor.

I should go home.

This... This was not a good idea.

It's just that it's too much too soon.

I'll take you,
cos we have things to discuss here.

Yes. Yes, we do, Gabriel.

A great many things, my dear boy.

Keep an eye on Karen for me?

Sure.

And don't get any weird ideas.

What the fuck, dude?

You were just tonsils deep in that guy,

and you're asking me
to behave myself with your wife?

Yes.

Why is that weird?

Get the fuck out of here.

- You all right?
- Yeah.

I just, you know,
wanted to get some fresh air.

God, it's kind of a freak show up there.

You don't know the half of it, lady.

Really?

So Bates and the creeper went home.

- Thank God.
- Really?

Tell me what you really feel.

No, it's just nice to have a break
from the project.

- Project?
- Yes, his rehabilitation, you know.

It's this huge project.

There's, like, no space
for anything else right now.

Come on. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Why shouldn't I be hard on myself?

I pick the most absurdly wrong men,

and then I just
ping-pong between them.

So, you're a serial ping-pongamist.

Big deal.

I'm just tired

of always keeping it together
for someone else, you know.

It just... I want to be
the crazy one sometimes...

I want to, like, strip off my clothes
and just run down the street naked.

I would very much like to see that.

I would camp out to buy tickets.

- What?
- Come here.

- What?
- Bates asked me to behave myself.

Fuck that.

I like you when you're crazy.

- You're leaving tomorrow, right?
- I am.

So what's the difference?

I've heard that before.
It doesn't end well.

It does end well. It always ends well.

I can't believe these words
are about to come out of my mouth,

but let's not do this, Karen.

You've got so much shit
going on in your life right now,

you don't want to add this to the mix.

- Really? I do.
- Yeah.

Besides, if you sampled
my wares again,

you couldn't just do it once.

- You know that.
- So modest.

And then you'd be in a world
of conflicted emotional shit.

And shit.

- You know?
- You're right.

Thank you for letting me
be the crazy one for once.

It's my pleasure.

It was nice for me to be
the sane one for once.

It gave me a morally righteous boner.

- Is that what that was?
- Mmm-hmm.

Maybe that was just you.

I hope so.

Oh, kill me now.

Come on.

There you...

Stop.

Walk. Walk!

Hey, have you guys
seen Tyler anywhere?

No.

Are you OK?

Then, after that shit, I hit that bitch
with a motherfucking minivan.

What's a minivan?

- Two in the front, five in the rear.
- Two in the front, five in the rear.

Shit, yo.

All right, break it up, funny people.

- Anybody seen Kali?
- Too many...

Maybe she in the bathroom, man.

Hit this shit.

Hold on. I'll be out in a second.

What's with you
barging in the bathroom?

Is that your only move?

Shit, you got to be fucking kidding me.

Oh...

What, she walked in on me.
I had to hide.

You think this is fucking funny?

No, but I think it was inevitable.

My daughter is out there right now.

You think it's OK to disrespect her?

Come on, man, I'm only human, OK?

We hit it off. She pulled me in here.
What the fuck was I supposed to do?

Restrain yourself. I don't know.

Break up with Becca. Take your pick.

Life is messy, man. OK?
Sometimes shit happens.

That's the best you've got?

"Shit happens"?

You know what, you are
such a fucking hypocrite, Hank.

You put Karen and Becca
through more shit than I can dream up

and fit into one fucking screenplay.

And here you are, standing here,
giving me fucking life lessons?

You know, face it,

I am a better, younger version of you,

so just fuck off, old man.

Jesus.

What is that,
a fucking buffalo back there?

What the fuck, man? Hey, Hank!

Hank, what the fuck
are you doing, man?

- Hank!
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

No!

Come on! Stop it!

Christ. What are you doing?

Charlie Runkle, you know
how to throw a fucking party, man.

Thank you.

Don't you remember anything?

Maybe it's that bump on your head.

Can you talk?

You know, words?

"Blah, blah, blah," like that?

Can you do that? "Blah, blah, blah"?

See this? This is called a rock.

Rock.