Californication (2007–2014): Season 5, Episode 9 - At the Movies - full transcript

Previously on Californication...

I want to kill him, Hank.

I don't like it. Not one bit.

Hank, he's you.

What are you talking about?
The kid's a loathsome, fucking asshole.

- Did you read his screenplay yet?
- No, not yet.

I'll never talk to you again.

- That bad, huh?
- It's that good.

- Really?
- Don't you even fucking dare, agent.

I'm sorry, Charlie. He just fell asleep.

- Guess I'll just go, then.
- Yeah, you should go.



- God, I'm so hard right now!
- Oh, holy shit, they're home!

Why does couples therapy
get me so worked up?

Let's do the one where
Charlie is still your husband,

but he's upstairs in a wheelchair.

I like that one!

How much disrespect
can one man take?

Hank Moody, this is Kali.

Man, the fucking script was
off the charts, homie.

- You like it?
- Santa Monica Cop

is my Eddie Murphy moment right now!

- Hey, Batesy!
- Great to see you.

I'm so glad you could make it.

Loving that mangina.

It is fucking liberating.



I think I made
a terrible mistake, you know?

You still thinking about leaving him?

- No.
- But...

- Absolutely not, Charlie.
- Yeah, I get it...

No means no, you know?

I'm just asking you to put in
a semi-decent word for me.

There'll be no putting of any kind.

And I am kindly asking you
not to take this meeting.

- But it's on the books.
- Well, then cancel that shit.

That's absurd!

Why? You have no problem
cancelling on me

when you got to go get
one of your fucking boils lanced.

That was twice.

And it's different. I'm not worried
about impressing you any more.

Exactly. That's what happens
in a relationship. You stop caring.

Next thing you know,
the sex is sporadic,

the blow jobs biannual,
and ass-play is out of the question.

Hey, when it comes to me and you,

Hank, ass-play is
never out of the question.

Oh, eat a dick, Charlie, preferably Stu's,

with mustard and ketchup on it,
maybe some of Marcy, too.

This kid is blowing up!
Eddie Nero wants to star in his movie.

In about five minutes,

Tyler's going to be the hottest
screenwriter in the business.

Someone has to represent him.
Why not me?

Because you're
my fucking agent, Charlie.

I could lose my job.

You already masturbated yourself
out of a job. And guess what?

You bounced back.
You landed on your webbed feet.

If you can make it through that shit,
you can make it through anything.

This is fucking bullshit!

No. I will tell you what's
fucking bullshit, Charlie,

is why I have to explain
to my agent and friend

of way too many years
why it's absurdly inappropriate

to represent my daughter's
boyfriend as a client.

No. No, I get what you're saying.

But...

Why is it inappropriate exactly?

Because it offends me
on a deeply personal level.

Can you grasp that, Sammy Glick?

I guess so.

Good. Now give me a hug and a kiss.

It's my first day of work,
and I'm running late.

Oh, shit. That's right. I forgot.

Wait. You forgot?

You're my agent,
you're the Samurai's agent,

you're Stu's agent, and yet you forgot

that today is the first day
of shooting of Santa Monica Cop.

This is why people
don't like you, Charlie.

Who doesn't like me?

People.

People love me.

You're gonna need a bigger gun.

Nah, man. That shit ain't working, man.

- It's not working.
- Cut.

It's not working.

It's not working.

- Hank, it's not working.
- Take that, watermelon!

Oh, I'm sorry.

It turns out I am quite the Fruit Ninja.

- It's fucking shitty.
- The line's not working, Moody.

I told you it was stupid.

You can't just rip off one of the
classic movie lines of all time.

But it sounded badass at the time.

Yeah, because we were
really high and watching Jaws.

I ain't feeling that shit no more, though.

Give him something else, Hank.

Sure, let me reach into my grab bag
of classic movie lines.

Nope, nothing there. Hold on.
Let me check up my ass.

- What the fuck we paying him for?
- His snappy fucking dialogue.

Sorkin passed, but he's a fan.

Really? That's awesome.

It ain't just the fucking line, man.
It's the whole fucking scene, man.

This shit is weak.

I don't even know
what I want any more.

Well, you want the girl.

Who wouldn't want that girl?

What's up, babe?

I would just kill the motherfucker,
wouldn't I?

Well, he's your partner, Sam.

Yeah, but he fucked my girl.

But you like him.
And he makes you laugh.

- Let me tell you something, man.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoever fucked my girl,
brother's going to be sucking on this.

You know, I think this is brilliant, Sam.

But the studio,
they're not going to want you

killing your best friend and partner.

They feel that that's the kind of thing

that makes you really fucking unlikable.

I told you, Stu, right? Don't use
that fucking word around me, man.

"Unlikable"? I hate that shit.

Booyah!

Using the word "unlikable" actually
makes the user unlikable. Bong-bong.

With all due respect, Hank,
shut the fuck up.

You know what? Y'all motherfuckers
figure this shit out.

Me and my boys are gonna go
smoke some fucking weed,

- get my head straight, a'ight?
- A'ight.

- I'll be in the fucking room, man.
- A'ight.

- So you know what to do?
- Uh, no.

Just rewrite the fucking scene,
move some shit around,

- write a better kill zinger.
- And if I can't?

Well, I could throw a rock

and find another writer
willing to replace you

for half the money
the studio's paying you, Hank.

I'll see what I can do.

What's wrong, Charlie?

Nothing. Not a thing.

I'm getting my dick sucked
on a beautiful day

by an even more beautiful girl.
What could possibly be wrong?

Well, there's something very wrong
with your penis right now.

There are a great many things
wrong with my penis, dear Lizzie.

No, you're just not responding
the way you normally do.

I think I'm pretty hard.

Usually, you're forged of iron.

I guess I'm a little perturbed
by this whole Hank and Tyler thing.

What is a sleazeball agent to do?

Well, I told you what I think.

I know.

Some things are just business, Charlie,

- and should be handled as such.
- I know.

But I've never seen him so adamant
about something. He's my best friend.

Well, do you think you could
service them both without conflict?

Absolutely...

I think.

Personally, I don't think it's fair
to ask a thing like that.

It's very self-serving.

I agree.

Mmm-hmm.

I think you're just going to have to
go with your gut on this one, Charlie.

- Go with gut. Got it.
- Mmm-hmm.

Oh, um...

Have you had a chance to talk to Stuart

about Santa Monica Cop?

If there's a part that I could read for?

You know, something small, of course.

No, but I will.

You promise?

I promise.

Hold on.

Fuck it. Come on in.

How's it coming, Hank?

Just one of those days, Stu.
Shit's not flowing.

Copy that.

You've got to let the cash
be your laxative, Hank.

Hey, that's a pretty good line, Stu.

I'm sorry I can't use it
in your big, shitty movie.

Well, you got 15 minutes, Hank.

My big, shitty movie is losing the light.

Come in.

Can you do me a huge favour?

- What's that?
- Save my career.

I'm sorry. You must have me confused.
I... I'm just the writer.

- And I'm just the girl.
- Well, at least you're the girl.

You're not just a girl.

I'm window dressing. I'm here to smile,

give teenage boys
something to jerk off to,

and get sexually harassed
by the director.

He is kind of a smarmy
little douche, isn't he?

My character needs to grow some balls.

She's basically just a dial tone with tits.

I'll get right on that.

I'll show them to you.

Your tits? I don't want to see your tits.

Really?

Well, that's not completely true,
but you don't have to show them to me.

I mean, I may be a schmuck
with an Underwood,

but I'm not a fucking sleaze merchant.

Look, I know my boobs got me this job,
but I'm actually a serious actress.

I went to Julliard.
I'm a fucking theatre geek.

I love words.
Dialogue is like music to me.

Whatever you write, I will make it sing.

Help me, Hank. You're my only hope.

All right, you're cool, you're smart,

and you're appealing
to my subversive nobility.

Plus, it doesn't hurt that I'm
really fucking high right now.

Let's see if we can't sneak a smart,
cool chick into this piece of shit.

Oh. That feels rad. Keep doing that.

You know, I'm getting inspired.

I feel some ballsy banter coming on.

Oh.

If you keep pressing those
savage yabbos into my back,

I'm not going to get anything done.
Just saying.

Maybe one more time. I'll decide.

Why'd you cancel
on me, Charlie?

Well... I... You know,
I've thought about this a lot, Tyler,

and, uh, I just don't feel it would be
appropriate to represent you

while I'm representing Hank.

And, seeing as how I'm damned to
represent Hank unto eternity...

Wait, wait, wait.
You don't think it's appropriate,

or Hank doesn't think it's appropriate?

Does it matter?

Not to me. I've got
a bunch of meetings lined up.

But it was really cool
to meet you, though, Charlie.

Kind of a dream come true.

Why is that?

Well, cos you're Hank Moody's agent.

Who wouldn't want to be represented
by Hank Moody's agent?

From where I'm sitting, that'd be
the coolest fucking thing ever.

Who else are you meeting with?

All the majors.

There's this guy at CAA. He's got
this little black book full of whores.

He offered to hook me up gratis.

- Can you match that?
- I'd love to, Tyler!

But they watch me like a hawk here.

I so much as look at
a naked picture on the internet,

and HR swoops in
and an alarm goes off.

It's fucking terrifying.

Totally.

Well, if this isn't going further,
then I might as well take off.

What do you say you and me

get the hell out of here,
we go get a drink someplace?

I could give you some advice about
what to watch out for out there.

Sure, I could drink.

This is really good, Hank.

Thank you.

I feel like I'm in this movie
all of a sudden.

My pleasure. I hope it helps.

Good luck with all the dress-up
and the make-believe.

Seeing how good this is

makes me think about all the other
scenes we could dig into together.

Whoa! Slow down there.

I'm here mainly to burnish
the Samurai's banter.

Can I show you my tits?

I... I told you, you don't have to...

Necessarily.

I'm doing my first
nude scene this week,

and I'm a little insecure about the girls.

I'm sure the girls are fine...

Doesn't even begin to cover it.

You are going to enchant

an entire generation of teenage boys
with those pound puppies.

That's, like, the perfect reaction.
Thank you.

And nab yourself a
Mr Skin award in the bargain.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome. Thank you.

No, I mean...

Thank you, Hank, for everything.

You're very welcome.

Mmm.

- Thank you.
- You're very welcome.

Gosh, we have some
excellent manners.

This is like some serious
Merchant lvory shit here.

I guess I'm just a firm believer
in repaying favours.

Oh.

Did you hear the one about
the Polish actress

that came to Hollywood
and blew the writer?

Just kidding. Keep going.

OK, where are the fucking pages?

- Holy fucking shit!
- Oh, my word!

Who the fuck do you
think you are, Moody?

Don't shoot me.
I'm only the piano player.

I cast her, you fucking prick!

I've had my eye on her this whole time!

Her ass is mine!

- How's that working out for you?
- I want him fired.

No, you're going to have to
run that past the Samurai.

I can't do that.
That guy scares the shit out of me.

How about defending me, Stu?

I wasn't the one who got caught with
his prick in a young lady's mouth.

Well, excuse me
for accepting a blow job

in exchange for
an honest 15 minutes' work.

That woman is a legitimate actress.
She can blow whoever she wants.

My movie is going to shit.

Are you crying?

No, I'm just...

There is no crying
in tent-pole filmmaking!

You fucking Mary.
Go get some fucking Pamprin. Go on!

Go on! Go on! Go on!

Get your shit together, man!

These pages are really good, Hank.

Totally deserved the B.J.

I know, right?

So do you have any idea
what you want to do next?

Oh, yeah, I've got a bunch of ideas.

I actually, um, pitched some over
to the WB guys,

and they pretty much shit their pants.

Yeah, that's a problem over there.

They said that they could put me

in a room with studio heads
and I could sell my ideas immediately.

Really? That's... That's great, Tyler.

I think I'll be fine.

Yeah, you... You're going to do great.

It was really cool of Hank
to give me a leg up like this.

You know, I'm actually kind of surprised

he's so against you representing me.

It's a conflict.

You'd be going up on
a lot of the same jobs.

No, I get it.

Man, it'd be cool if we could do
something together, though, you know?

That would be cool.

That would be a big deal.

- I got this one idea where...
- You know what?

Let's do this!

What?

I want to do this.
I want to work with you.

You don't worry.
I will smooth it over with Hank.

- What, you want to sign me now?
- Yes. Yes, I do.

I'm going with my gut on this one.

I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

What happened to the,
"Working with Hank Moody's agent,

"that would be, like, the coolest thing"?

Well, I don't know, I mean,
I've got all these agents

who are genuinely excited about
being in business with me.

I wouldn't want to be, you know,
twisting your arm or anything.

You're not twisting my arm, not at all.

Kid, I want to work with you.
Let's do this!

Something feels weird.

What, you want me to
set you up with a whore?

I can do that. Done!

No, I don't want you to
set me up with a whore.

I have a girlfriend.

- Becca?
- Becca.

The daughter of your best friend
and star client.

Right. Great girl.

You're weird, dude.

Yes. Yes, I am.

I'm also a fucking shark
and I will slay dragons for you.

Well, those are all very
generically passionate words.

But...

I think I need to see
some of this passion in action.

Anything. You name it, I will do it.

Do you see that guy in there?

Sure. How could I miss him?

Go up to him and tell him

that you want to suck his dick.

What?

And finger his asshole.

You're kidding me, right?

You're... You're kidding.

No?

I've got that meeting at ICM.
I should probably get going.

What's up, Sam? They're kind of
waiting for you down on set.

Did you not like the new pages
or something?

Pages is good.

Well, that's great. Good.
I aim to please.

That's awesome.

I don't like being embarrassed, man.

Embarrassed? Really?

Is this about...

Is this about the girl and the blow job?

I mean, that's just one of
those crazy fucking things.

She literally fell into my lap.

You know, I... I couldn't say no.

Could have thought about me
and our friendship.

Well, as she released my dick

from the crowded confines
of my pantaloons,

thoughts of you were
nowhere near my mind,

which I think is probably a good thing.

Do you value our friendship, Moody?

Yes, I've grown...

Quite fond of you, brodine.

Same here, motherfucker.

That's why I'm really going to
hate to do this to you.

Come on, Sam. This is a
bit of a hip-hop clich?, isn't it?

Clich?s are clich?s for a reason, man.
Because they fucking work!

You don't want to do this,
not over a silly blowjob.

You know what? I don't.

But what choice do I have, man?

You disrespect me
in my fucking workplace?

What are you...
What are you talking about?

Do you even like this girl?

I don't even know that bitch's name,
man. That ain't the point here.

The point is, I'm number one
on that fucking call sheet!

I can't have the whole cast and
crew of a major motion picture

whispering how my court jester
screwed the baddest bitch on the set!

Is that all I am to you, a court jester?

Yeah, what, nigga? You funny, man.

You amuse me.
You don't see the value in that?

Yo! Jestering is a
noble profession, Hank.

Whatever.
You going to drop me or what?

- You learned your lesson, man?
- Yes!

Have you learned your fucking lesson?

Do not accept free blow jobs
on the set from actresses

if you're not number one
on the call sheet. Got it.

Bring his ass fucking up, man.

Excuse me.

What up?

Well,

I would very much

like to

suck your dick.

What? What did he say?

I'm sorry.

I would like

to suck your dick.

What the fuck?

And finger your asshole.

Let me get this straight.

You would like to suck my dick?

And finger your asshole.

And finger my asshole?

Yes!

Are you fucking with me?

Yes! Yes!

I'm sorry. It was a dare. I...

No disrespect intended,
none whatsoever.

It was a dare!

I swear! It was a dare!

Be gentle.

You OK?

I suppose so.
The heart palpitations are subsiding.

I think I may need to
wipe myself, though.

Look, man, I'm really sorry, yo.

It ain't easy being the star
of this fucking joint, man.

I'm under a lot of pressure.

A lot of people looking up to me
for an example.

I don't give a fuck about that bitch,
but I do care about my credibility

as a major movie star.

I got to save face.

I'm sorry if I did anything
to endanger your face.

You know, Pete Berg dropped off
of this joint because of you

and your fucking shenanigans.
What did I do?

Nothing. Took it like a man,
because you my boy, Moody.

I like being your boy. Are we good?

Yeah, we good, man.

But, yo, if that had been Kali,

your fucking ass would be a fucking
stain on Ocean Avenue right now.

Of course.

That's another thing, man,
the Kali of it all.

This bitch's got my heart ping-ponging
back and forth, you know what I mean?

- Yeah.
- How much turmoil can a brother take?

Copy that. Yeah. Yeah.

- Where you want it at?
- What?

- I got to hit you, man.
- Why?

Fucking consequences, yo.

What about dangling me
over the balcony?

That felt consequential to me.

- That was just to scare you, son.
- Yeah, well, it did scare me. It did.

Look, normally, I would pistol whip
a motherfucker for this kind of shit.

No, no, no. That sounds...

- Yeah, that'd be too harsh, right?
- Yeah, that sounds too harsh.

Stop fucking whining and
take your medicine, Moody.

Hey, you don't look too bad.

I thought you'd walk back in here
all bruised up and shit.

The only violence was emotional.

What did they do?

They took me out back,

put me down on my knees.

The big guy took down his pants.

He took out his dick.

It was very big, Tyler.

He could have tied it into a pretzel.

And?

He slapped me in the face with it.

He slapped you in the face
with his dick?

Yes, multiple times.

I think he left a trail of dog-water.

Wow!

Jesus! Um...

You know, I don't think
I can be represented by a guy

who would allow himself
to be humiliated like that.

What?

I'm going to take that meeting at ICM.
I'll let you know what I decide.

Oh, no, you don't!

You're signing with me,
and you're signing with me right now!

I just went through hell and
back for you, you little shit!

You're going to sign with me,

or I'm going to have my new friends

slap you in the face with all their dicks,

you hear me?

Yeah.

Yeah, let's do it.

What's up, Stu?

You have no idea what I went through
for that two seconds of oral, lady.

- Oh! Ow.
- Sorry.

It's better if it looks like
you took advantage of me.

Asshole!

What the fuck?

Hank!

I say this with the utmost respect
and fondness for you

as both an artist and a human being.
You're fired.

What?

You're gone. We're bringing in
another writer for the on-set work.

Sam know about this?

He knows it's the best thing.

There's always the next one, buddy.
I'll be in touch.

- What the fuck are you doing here?
- Charlie sent me to meet with Stu.

- Charlie did?
- Yeah, I just signed with him.

- You just signed with Charlie?
- Yeah.

Kind of a dream come true, actually.
To be repped by Hank Moody's agent.

Pretty fucking cool.

For me.

Anyway, it looks like
it's already paying off.

This will be my first gig.

Have fun.

This isn't going to be weird for us, is it?

No more than usual.

- Sorry, Hank.
- Fuck you, Charlie.

- You want to go get a drink?
- I have nothing to say to you.

- You can hit me if you want.
- I don't want to hit you.

I don't want to have anything
to do with you, all right?

- Come on, buddy, don't be that way.
- I am not your buddy

and you're fucking fired,

as an agent and a friend.

- On the house, Pops.
- Really? Right on.

It helps to have daughters in low places.

That's for changing my boyfriend's life.

I didn't really do anything.

He just texted me and said
you helped him get a job.

Huh.

Well, I guess I did.

Thank you, Dad. I love you.

- Oh, now you love me.
- I always love you.

Even when I'm thoroughly
disgusted with you.

You really like this guy, huh?

I do.

Not to be melodramatic or anything,

but he's the first real love of my life.

It is what it is.

Well, the good news is

I think he feels exactly
the same way about you.

How could he not?
You are pretty stellar.

So what's the bad news?

There is none.

Just be careful.

Young writers on the rise have been
known to make certain mistakes.

Such as?

Such as sticking their dicks

in places where kind words
and flattery come from.

- That's disgusting, Dad.
- It is. I'm sorry. I apologise.

It's just you're getting older,

and the advice-giving gets more
and more confusing for me.

Oh.

If it isn't my favourite friend
of a friend of Bill W.

- That's not funny.
- It's a little funny, Mom.

You see?
The little barista says it's funny,

it must be so.
She's pleased with me today,

seeing as I changed
her boyfriend's life and all.

I know. That was
incredibly sweet of you.

Jeez.

If I'd known it was this easy to
get back in your good graces,

I would have blown Tyler
a long time ago,

and we could have
lived happily ever after.

Should we...

- What...
- Up to you.

Are you two lovelies up to?

I'm off in a few minutes.
We were going to go to the movies.

Do you want to come?

Ah, to tell you the truth,

I'm not really enamoured of the
fucking moving pictures right now.

But of course.

By all means, let's...

Let's go to the movies.