CHiPs (1977–1983): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Sheik - full transcript

Beautiful day. Clean, fresh.
Everything seems right.

Wish we didn't
have to work today.

Don't see why somebody
doesn't fix those sprinklers.

Come on, Jon. A few drops
of water? Don't blow your top.

I didn't blow my top, it's...

All right, I blew my top.

I'm sorry, all right?
It's usually you.

Yeah, but not today, partner.
Today I'm cool, calm and friendly.

Yeah? All day? Wanna bet?

Okay. Whenever I lose my
temper, I'll pay you a buck.

Well, so you don't have to go to your
savings account, better make it a quarter.



Cool, calm and friendly.

Morning, sir. You mind
stepping out of the car, please?

- Is that necessary?
- Please. It's a proper request.

I'm in a terrible hurry. I'm
late for an appointment.

I understand, sir. The sooner you get
out, the sooner we get this over with.

- Step to the curb, please.
- And if I refuse?

- It's for safety.
- I don't like being touched.

Is this Gestapo?

My God. I've never been
treated like this in my life.

You bullies!

L.A. 15, 7 Mary 3. Roll
11-48 for transportation...

If this is an example
of American justice...

American law enforcement, sir.
Justice comes later, in the court.

Transportation is on its way.



I must warn both of
you, you'll regret this.

You bullies with guns.
You storm troopers.

Hold it. You just
keep it quiet, sir.

I am a very important man.
I have diplomatic immunity.

- You have what?
- I said, I have diplomatic immunity.

Why didn't you
mention that before?

Because you treated me
with rudeness and disrespect.

Hi, guys. What's going on?

Oh, excessive speed,
reckless driving and assault.

- And a sore chin. You transportation?
- Yep.

I can't believe it. A woman
storm trooper? In my country...

Now, that'll be enough.

Cahill, we may have problems with this
arrest, but we'll leave it up to Getraer.

- Wanna take him down to the office?
- Yeah.

I would not go with a woman.

He would not?

Cahill, take His
Majesty off the street.

"Your Highness" will do.

All this is a waste of time.

- One phone call...
- You can make it from the office.

Have you never heard
of diplomatic immunity?

I cannot be charged. If you remove
these chains, I'll show you my papers.

That'll wait till
the station too.

The time to have shown your
papers was when you were stopped.

You're a very attractive lady.

Yeah, hot stuff.

Why do you do what you do?

You mean my job?

I mean in my country, a beautiful woman
like you would live in jewels and furs.

She would live lavishly.

Well, who do I have to know to
become a cop in your country?

Me.

Okay.

Poncherello, Baker, this is
Mr. Taylor of the State Department.

And Miss Fay Ramad.

She's the assistant consul in
this area for the sheikdom of Bezel.

- How do you do.
- Nice to meet you.

The department is requesting that all
charges against His Highness be dropped.

- He carries diplomatic immunity.
- Yeah, and a good left.

Sergeant, he struck
Officer Poncherello.

- I did not strike him, I merely slapped him.
- Highness, please.

I'll ask you to make out your written
reports and hand them directly to me.

Sergeant, may we speak
with you a moment in private?

Yeah. If you'll
excuse me, please.

Look, guys, they've got us over a barrel,
and I don't like it any more than you do.

But His Highness has clout.

I'd like to give him
a little bit more.

The man is Sheik
Ali-Akhbar Na Bezel.

The first-born son, the favorite son, of the
ruler of Bezel. Need I say oil-rich Bezel?

If his old man loves him so much,
why'd he let him out of his sight?

He's attending college here. Don't
laugh, but he's majoring in Police Science.

Well, he's a slow study.

Next thing you know, you'll
ask us to apologize to him.

It was mentioned, but I
suggested it might not be wise.

Look, you guys, why don't you
just write this off to experience, huh?

Yeah, well, you know, like they say
in the oil field, "That's shah business."

I'm gonna wash that one
down with a cup of coffee.

With your permission...?

Gentlemen, please don't
say that I approached you...

but I feel I owe you an apology.

Not you, ma'am. You don't
have one thing to apologize for.

Please be assured that my
government will take steps...

to prevent another
such occurrence.

And you're both very kind.

Ma'am, it's been a pleasure.

Did I say that?

It was a white-and-blue
pickup. The kegs fell off the back.

- Holy smokes, look what happened.
- Kind of hard to miss.

I'll go see about the truck.

L.A. 15, 7 Mary 3, we're a
10-97 at Baseline and Adler.

We have an 11-25, nails in all
lanes, 11-85 and an additional 11-84.

Don't worry, folks. We'll
get things straightened out.

You better do something quick.

She thinks she's gonna
have the baby right here.

And who should know better?

- Okay, we better call an ambulance.
- Don't put yourself out.

Six times she thought she knew better.
Six trips to the hospital, six trips home.

Well, we better
play it safe, huh?

Now, there's a guy with class.

How would you know?

Yeah. After looking at what I
married, maybe you've got a point.

Careful, ma'am. Be
careful of the nails, now.

That's the least of my problems.
You see that yellow car over there?

- Yeah, what about it?
- That's my husband's car.

You can't see him now.
He's there. He's there, all right.

With his blond receptionist.
I've been following him.

And I got him this time.
I got him cold. Come on.

Wait a minute. Ma'am,
listen, I have 10 cars piled up.

- This lady's about ready to have a baby.
- Big deal.

Listen, can't you catch
him cold some other time?

Not on your life.

Oh, no. What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Tell me. BAKER: This is
not the time or the place.

It is my business.

You're gonna wish you were never born.
- Tell me.

- This is not the time or the place.
- Mind your own business.

This is my business. My
business is keeping peace.

Now, I'm gonna have to
charge you with disturbing it.

- You wouldn't.
- I would.

Why is there always a cop
around when you don't want one?

You're gonna get it. The both
of you. You're gonna get it.

Watch the nails.

Easy. Easy.

I'm telling you, it's a false alarm.
She not even due yet for another week.

- You gonna ride with us?
- No, no, no, I'll stay here with my car.

You tell her I'll pick her up
later at the hospital again, okay?

Did you catch the truck?

Yeah, the tailgate came
open. He didn't even know it.

Come on.

It's a boy.

Excuse me, you're the proud
father of a bouncing baby boy.

Mr. Immunity rides again.

Temper, temper.

Your turn, Baker.

Thanks.

Afternoon, Your Highness.

It seems we meet again.

Wanna step from the car, please?

Of course. There's no need
for us to act like enemies.

No. Could we step to the
curb, please, away from traffic?

Would you like to see my papers?

No, simply your driver's
license and registration, please.

You are aware, of course,
that under diplomatic immunity...

I am not required to
carry a driver's license.

Well, that's not
exactly correct.

In any case, every vehicle
has to have a registration.

Well, that I can show you.

Forgive me, Your Highness, but
this registration expired a year ago.

The stupidity of some of our clerks. Well,
I'll see that it's taken care of immediately.

We'd better call a tow truck.

I'm no more than 15 minutes from
home. And there is my immunity.

Yes, you are immune.
But your vehicle is not.

We're gonna have to impound it, 9801,
until proper registration can be shown...

fees and penalties paid.
May I have the keys, please?

- But this is... No, no, this is not...
- My partner asked you for the key, please.

You're aware that this is
police-state harassment.

California state
law, sir. Please.

Thank you, Your Highness.

Look, would you like us to call a
car to get you to your destination?

There is no need, thank you. I
will have the consulate send a car.

L.A. 15, 7 Mary 4, roll 11-85...

to the 2400 block
on the Baseline.

We have an impound
for fees and penalties.

DISPATCHER: 10-4, 7 Mary 4.

Come on, face it, Jon. You thought
you'd be a buck or two richer by now.

But I have controlled
my temper all day.

- I have been calm and pleasant. Right?
- Yeah. Well, I'll tell you something.

It's disgusting how low a
guy'll stoop to win a two-bit bet.

Oh, yeah? Well, what do you
say we extend the time on it, huh?

Fine with me. As
long as you want.

Hey, get this. The
consulate of Bezel.

"Your presence is cordially requested for an
informal afternoon aboard the Lady Theresa.

Saturday the 15th at 2 p.m. Casual
and bathing attire will be worn."

Can you believe that?

Wonder why the sheik invited us.

Man, that's no invitation.
That's a summons.

We've had it with
him on the streets.

And he thinks when
he says "frog," we jump?

No way, pal. I'd
rather go to the dentist.

- Ponch, you got a phone call.
- All right.

Poncherello. I have a call.

Yeah, Poncherello here.

This is Fay Ramad
from the consulate office.

Do you remember
me, Mr. Poncherello?

Yes, ma'am. Can I help you?

Yes, I was wondering if you'd received the
invitations I sent to Mr. Baker and you.

You sent them?

One of the more pleasant aspects of
my job. May we count on you to attend?

I'll have to talk to
my partner about it.

I don't think we got
anything planned that day.

I hope not. I'd enjoy
seeing you again.

I'll try to work it out, and
thanks for calling. Bye.

Don't just stand there,
man. Get me the Scotch tape.

Thank you.

It's a coat.

Gentlemen.

What is it?

- Caviar.
- Caviar, sir.

I know caviar. I
meant, what brand?

The chef imports it, sir.

It's very expensive.

Not really, sir.
Only $200 a pound.

What's the matter?
Don't you like it?

I don't know.

I don't think I can eat anything
that costs $200 a pound.

I watched you two on the
Jet Skis. You were wonderful.

Are you having a good time?

Yes, it's very...

- Elegant.
- Right.

Champagne, gentlemen?

- Would you like something else?
- To be honest with you, a cold beer.

Come, we have a nice selection.

Merci.

Watch your step.

Uh... Michelle, Suzanne.

Well, hello.

I pray you're all
having a pleasant time.

Good, good.

Would you two mind
seeing me in private?

It's your party.

Well, then. This way.

He's cute.

Come in.

I invited you here today so we
could settle matters between us.

My objective is a
simple understanding.

I hope that you equally
enjoy the situation.

You realize you're
offering us a bribe?

No. Semantics,
Poncherello, semantics.

Poncherello, yes?

You see, in my country,
this is custom. Please.

Well, we have customs
too. And we have laws.

I am above your laws.

Come on.

Someday you're gonna kill
somebody, the way you drive.

But you cannot buy
permission to do it on our beat.

Not for all the oil
in the Middle East.

Baker, I owe you
another quarter.

Excuse me, Fay. We'd just like
to say thank you and goodbye.

Oh, is anything wrong?

Yeah, I need a hamburger.
At 98 cents a pound.

Goodbye.

Ponch.

You know, I never asked you why
Barney's studying Police Science...

when he can't even obey the law.

Well, his father
hopes he'll learn...

and come home and take
charge of the sheikdom's police.

Is this where you live?

Yeah.

Listen, how come the sheik
put you in charge of his son?

I thought women in
your country were...

- Unemancipated.
- Yeah.

We are, and that's the point.

You see, Barney won't
take orders from any man.

But I'm his cousin.

I represent no threat to him,
so he'll take persuasion from me.

Ponch, aren't we going in?

Yeah, okay, Fay. But don't
expect too much, all right?

In fact, don't expect anything.

I'm buying some furniture, but
this is how the other half lives.

I mean, I'm not apologizing for being
poor, it's just that I'm sorry if you...

Ponch, I love your place.

- Oh, yeah? Really?
- It's great.

Well, let me take you to the
balcony. Let me show you the view.

- Okay.
- Come on.

Excuse me, this is...

What is shaking, pussycats?

Hey, Jon, the
steaks are burning.

- Hey.
- Okay, here, wait, wait.

Smother them. Get the
sprayer. Where's the sprayer?

Ah! Ah! Ah!

- Turn that down.
- I like mine well-done anyway.

You sent for us, sarge?

Yeah, I thought you guys might like to
ride in a cruiser for the rest of the day.

Us in a car?

Normally, I know you wouldn't
like to do that, but it might be fun.

You'll have company.

- Company?
- Yeah, who?

Your observer.

You mean you want us to babysit that...?
I mean, I can't even... If he says one...

The idea is to anoint him with the
wisdom of the California vehicle code.

Come on, sarge,
that's a bit much to ask.

- Ask?
- Yeah, is it an order?

- No, no.
- Then it's too much.

It's just a request.

- From his government.
- Uh-uh.

- From your State Department.
- Uh-uh.

From your division commander.

Your sergeant.

All this is a waste of time. Why
don't you just take me home?

This is your father's
idea. He wouldn't like it.

But why you two?

Well, maybe he
heard we were friends.

Listen, why don't you just relax,
and maybe you can learn something?

I've learned all I care to know.

You write citations, the fines are
paid, the government gets richer.

You know what
you are, both of you?

You're nothing more than
tax collectors in fancy uniforms.

- Listen, Your Highness...
- Gonna cost you a quarter.

The uniforms aren't that fancy.
And we don't always write citations...

because we're not always around. And
reckless drivers get away with murder.

Six kids on the
way to the beach.

The driver, he lost control
and went off the canyon road.

He's okay, minor injuries.
He killed all five of his friends.

This one was forced out of control
in front of a truck that couldn't stop.

Three fatalities.

One 4-year-old child.

The guy who cut them off?

Never even stopped.

Attention all units in the
vicinity of Veteran and Slauson...

possible 1 1-44.

Come on, Barney,
get in, let's roll.

L.A. 15, 7 Mary 4 responding.

Hey, Barney.

- What is it?
- Come on, get in.

15 S.A., 10-39,
L-3 at the office.

15-6 Adam, 1 1-25, stalled
vehicle in the number one lane...

eastbound Santa
Monica Freeway...

Come on, sheik, let's go.

Come on, they
need help. Hurry up.

Will you move it?

- Can you get him out?
- Yeah, I'll need the Porto-Power.

It's in the second compartment,
right side of the truck.

Sheik, come here.

Your Highness, come here.

Barney, come here!

Freeway at Colorado,
two cars involved.

15 S.A., 10-39,
L-3 at the office.

Now, you hold this. Up high.

Is he going to live?

He's got a 60/40 chance.

I see you have royalty
with you. What's he doing?

- Sightseeing.
- It's not pretty.

Say, Jon, do you mind taking statements
here? I'll do the hospital follow-up.

All right, you're faded.

- See you later.
- You bet.

I lost my temper at him.
I think it did some good.

Well, sometimes
that's the only way.

Just hang on, old man.

You're in excellent hands.

So be on the lookout
for car-clouters...

shaking down any
abandoned vehicles.

Okay. I guess that's
everything. Oh, one more thing.

Regulations state that accepting
gifts or gratuities is strictly prohibited.

Okay. Hit your beats.

Well, I hope you two are aware that
that last little bit was meant for you.

- Us?
- Yep.

The only gift I ever got was
from a guy I helped change a tire.

He gave me a tip on a horse.

And the donkey ran dead last.

Well, if I were you, I'd
check the parking lot out...

before you engrave it in stone.

- The parking lot?
- Yep.

Whoo!

Wow.

Beautiful, aren't they?

Yeah, but they
do look like gifts.

They couldn't be for us.
- Read the cards.

Hey, Jon. This one
is addressed to you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, well, this one's yours.

Pink slips.

Sheik Barney.

I don't know, Jon.

An SE's a little
more car than I want.

Yeah, well, you think you'd
like the 450 SL a little better?

It's yours.

Whoo.

But why?

These are not bribes,
these are gifts of gratitude.

From friend to friend.

You made me... How do
you say, how do you say?

You made me open my eyes and
see things. You made me see myself.

All I wanted to
do was thank you.

Well, we can't accept
them, they're gifts.

But in America, we place a
very high price on a handshake.

Well.

Well, at least I can say...

that from now on, I'm
going to drive the limousine.

Rather, my staff is
going to drive it for me.

No more hot-rodding
in the Ferrari.

Well, that's very good.

One more thing.

Control your temper.

And always try to be
cool, calm and friendly.

Yes, yes. Cool,
calm and friendly, yes.

See you, Barney.

Why, that two-faced,
double-talking liar!

- Watch your temper, Ponch.
- I'm mad, and I admit it.

I had it with this cat. I'm
gonna throw the book at him.

- Take him off the street, immunity or no...
- Hey, Ponch.

- Well, at last you're here to do your duty.
- I am?

I've been speeding
all over your beat.

I have a ticket from Baricza,
I have one from Grossman...

I have one from Cahill,
I have one from Fritz.

Where have you been?

Look, you didn't have to go speeding.
You could've called me tonight.

I'll be gone by tonight.

I'm flying to Paris at 4.

To Paris? Why?

Well, Barney's younger
brother is in trouble...

and the sheik wants me
to try to straighten him out.

Would you care to join me?

Yeah, sure. Jon speaks French.

Anyway, I'll write you.

- And I'll expect replies.
- Oh, that's a deal.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hold it, now.
Ponch, that's a gift.

Well, come on, you're
gonna have to return it.

- What should I do with these tickets?
- Let the consulate handle them.

Really special type.

Yeah, but you blew your cool.

Oh, wait a minute, man. That
was before I knew it was her.

"I'm mad," you
said, "I admit it."

So I owe you another quarter.

Yeah, well, I'll take it.