CHiPs (1977–1983): Season 2, Episode 8 - The Grudge - full transcript

Pilot to crew...

another 30 minutes,
we got it made.

Olé!

Did you hear that, pledge? Another
30 minutes, we're back in frat city.

Man, there was nothing to it.

And I thought initiations
were supposed to be a drag.

Speaking of drags, what do you say
we celebrate with a little cannabis rex?

Oh, yeah.

- Yes, indeed.
- All right, yeah.

- Now I heard everything.
- What's the matter, Ponch?

Makes perfect sense. The faster you
go, the faster your nail polish will dry.



Cool it. Two
Chippies at 10 o'clock.

Hey, Ponch, the tunnel. That
rig's way over the height limit.

For the love of...
Those bummers.

- What do we do?
- Never mind. Hang on tight.

Go get them, A.J. Chris here knows
the roads like the back of his hand.

Hey, and stash the joint.

Oh, boy. Uh...

About that car sickness I
never told you guys about.

I gotta lie down.

No!

Hey, Chris, what happened?

Oh, gonna kill me. My
old man's gonna kill me.

You guys all right?

Look what you made me do.



You blew the warning signs.
We were trying to head you off.

- Lousy hotshots.
- Hey, Turk, cool it, huh?

Help, somebody help!

It's Todd. He's up in the bunk.

Please, help me.

It's okay, kid. We'll
have you out in a second.

Fire!

It's on fire!

The batteries are
arcing all over the place.

Hey, give me that
oar over there, quick.

Give me that oar, man, now!

Can you get out?

There.

Get back.

What seems to be
the problem, officer?

Problem? There's no problem.

It's just that these burning rags seem
to be woven with pure Acapulco gold.

Marijuana.

Yeah, couple kilos at least.

Hey, come on, you guys.
You never saw the stuff, okay?

Just a quick trip down to Mexico,
brought back some souvenirs, that's all.

It's not for sale or anything.

If I could explain, officer,
it's just a little initiation stunt.

You know how it is. You
plan a big fraternity blowout...

you wanna do it right.

You're choking me up, you know?

- Come on, give us a break.
- Yeah, you owe us one.

You got us into this mess.

Hey, listen, an ounce,
we write you a ticket.

But anything over that,
you tell it to the judge.

Thanks very much.

I bet you a buck we
don't even get to testify.

Will the defendants please rise?

- Pay me.
- Hey, I didn't even open my mouth.

You have entered
pleas of guilty.

Now, the
transportation of drugs...

or any mind-altering
substance constitutes a felony.

And I'm going to credit you...

with the understanding of
the seriousness of your crime.

I trust that I'm
right in that regard.

Dean Porter has informed me
that you have been suspended...

for the balance
of the semester...

and that your fraternity has been
barred from campus for one year.

In view of the punitive action
taken by Fremont University...

and the fact that this is your
first defense for each of you...

the sentence for each of you
will be six months, suspended.

Court adjourned.

Hey, no hard feelings, I hope.

After all, we found
you, you didn't find us.

We just blew our cool, you
guys were doing your job.

Next time you go
shopping in Mexico...

stick to velvet
piggy banks, okay?

Cute.

- Real cute.
- Yeah, regular Batman and Robin.

Hey, guys, wait up.

Uh-oh. Talk about a blue Monday.

Jon, as one of the few officers
around here who has it all together...

present company included...

what are your honest
feelings about the CHP...

encouraging its officers to get
involved with the community?

Above and beyond
the call of duty.

My feeling is that sergeants that ask
questions like that are not to be trusted.

Jon, that's what makes you
a good cop. Perfect instincts.

Thanks.

Okay. Let's get it on.

I know it's running late. You guys
just can't wait to get out on your beats.

But first a word about
our upcoming open house.

First I got some good news and
some bad news. First the bad news.

Officer Don Walters will not be able
to be the chairman of the open house.

He's been called to Sacramento
on an FBI auto-theft seminar.

And the good news is...

that officer Jon Baker has very
graciously volunteered to take his place.

Hey, wait a minute. I'm already
on the motorcycle drill team.

Let's give the new chairman
of the open house a big hand...

for doing double duty, shall we?

You see, it pays to stay
on his rotten side, like me.

Now, I have a
very special award.

Since there are no volunteers
for the chairmanship...

of the refreshment committee...

it gives me great pleasure to
bestow this very vital function...

on our most gifted virtuoso of the on-duty
coffee break, Officer Frank Poncherello.

Hey, that's my partner.

No. I'm on the drill team, sarge, come
on. What do I know about refreshments?

Give it to one of the girls.
It's their bag. Come on, sarge.

Getting ready to
split, huh, Todd?

Yeah, I guess so.

Folks didn't give
me much choice.

How about you guys? Are
you gonna stick it out here?

Yeah, for a while, anyway.

Beats listening to my old
man tell me, "I told you so."

Yeah, well, see you guys.

Sorry the way things turned
out for the whole house.

Just can't believe Alpha
Omega's been kicked off campus.

Yeah, and all
because of those cops.

Man, if only there was some way we
could give them some of their own medicine.

- Yeah, wouldn't that be nice?
- Not that I'd wanna get anybody hurt.

I'd just like to make them squirm
the way they're making us squirm.

You mean really embarrass them.

Yeah, them, their buddies,
the whole cotton-picking CHP.

- The more the merrier.
- Yeah, why not?

I mean, we've certainly got
the time and the brainpower.

Might even be some fun.

Talk about sheer irony. Have
you guys seen these handouts?

Courtesy of your
civic-minded student union.

"Come join the fun."

At CHP headquarters, they're holding
an open house a week from Saturday.

Big deal. Fun with the fuzz.

This might be exactly
what we're looking for.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, what a way to turn the tables.

It's perfect.

Okay, Sindy, okay. So
I'm a male chauvinist pig.

The point is, I gotta line up cookies for
my refreshment stand from somewhere.

Oh, I see. And since I'm a
woman, I belong in the kitchen...

just baking my
little heart away.

Well, why not? You don't
have any other assignments.

Yes, I do. I just happen to
be demonstrating techniques...

for communicating
with the handicapped.

Okay, that's great. But there are gonna be a
lot of little girls and little boys there...

and they're gonna get
hot and tired and hungry.

What am I gonna do about them?

Ponch, how should I
know any better than you?

I mean, half the parents in
this world are men, you know.

Problems, Poncherello?

Listen, sarge. About this
refreshment-committee thing...

I gotta resign. I don't
know what I'm doing.

Hey, you're doing fine. But I
do have one little hint for you.

What? Anything. What?

Will you handle the open-house
problems on your own time?

You're on company time now.

Get with it. Mail those for me.

Okay, let's go over it one more
time so everyone has it straight.

Now, the helicopter
will be in Area B...

Wait a minute, wait
a minute. Freeze.

Now, I thought my pistol
range was in Area B.

No, no, no. See, that's Area C.

You said the mobile
salvage crane was Area C.

No, see B, C...

- I did?
- Yeah.

Okay, let's take it
from the top again.

Okay, guys, come
on. Break it up.

Time to hit the
brakes. Boss's orders.

Hey, wait a minute. When am I
supposed to get this stuff done?

You can take all
the time you need...

just as long as it's between
midnight and 2 in the morning.

You really ticked off at Getraer?
PONCH: Yeah. For eight reasons:

Hot drinks, cold drinks,
pies, cakes, candy and nuts.

That's only seven.

The topper is the drill team.

He expects me to practice
day and night on that.

Hey, Ponch. Trouble.

Hey, Ponch. You're
not gonna believe this.

Let me guess. Locked
up tight as a drum, huh?

That's not the half of it. You got a
note on the dash addressed to you.

What, man? Come on, this
is no time for games, Baker.

- Let me have your baton.
- Baton.

- Okay, got it?
- There.

Turn that hard right.

- Easy.
- All right.

Excuse me while I
read my mail, okay?

That's it. Hey, check it out,
they maybe forgot something.

Wrong again. They
didn't forget a thing.

Flour. Plain ordinary flour.

Man, that's gonna
drive them ape.

- And not a word over one syllable long.
- I think they can handle that.

- What's that?
- Mother Goose strikes again.

You gotta be kidding. You too?

Bake a cake as fast as you can.

Well, that shoots
that theory down.

- What theory?
- About three years ago...

this little blond said she'd get me
if it was the last thing she ever did.

But now they want both of us.

Uh, could you repeat that, sir?

I hope you know
what you're doing.

What, and set a
trend around here?

Come on, who are you kidding?

You're really into
this open house.

If I'm gonna do something,
I'm gonna do it right.

Just one moment.

Besides, every cloud
has a silver lining.

The arts-and-craft table
goes over there, Mr. Perez.

Uh...

Hey, Poncherello.

You got a minute?
Baker, you too.

Yeah, what's up, sarge?

- Let me guess, Jon's brush is too loud?
- Very funny.

Look, will you two tell your
practical-joker buddies...

that I am not a
messenger service?

What practical-joker buddies?

Whoever left this letter at the front
desk, addressed to "Ponch and Judy."

Let's see.

One for the money, two for the show
Three to get ready to make some dough.

I think somebody's
trying to tell us something.

Yeah, first it was Baker's man,
then some flour and now some dough.

- There's a pattern there somewhere.
- Yeah, the question is, why?

I mean, why us?

Why not...

Judy?

- Looking good, Turk.
- Yeah.

You sure you've got the routine?

In order to get
back to Central...

they've got to take the Santa
Monica transition westbound.

Right, 4:25 sharp.

- You got the play money?
- You bet.

All right. Let's do
it, men. Let's do it.

Man, I'd give anything to see
the expression on their faces.

Easy, this is just Phase 2.

Next Saturday is all ours.

Hey, Jon, remind me to call
Cynthia when we get back.

She makes the
greatest oatmeal cookies.

How do you like that?

- How do you like that? I told you so.
- Right on schedule.

All right, any time
now, come on.

- You all right?
- Yeah, yeah, fine.

You all right?

Fine.

L.A. 15, 7 Mary 3 and 4, 10-97.

Multiple collisions, 210
eastbound at Glen Oaks.

- 10-4, 7 Mary 3 and 4.
- I don't believe this.

Incredible. I was driving along,
minding my own business...

and somebody started
dumping this all over the place.

- Play money?
- Can you imagine?

All these big bills and it won't
even buy me a cup of coffee.

Forget the coffee. Somebody
could have been killed.

Well, come on, what
are you staring at?

I just don't believe it.

- What do you mean?
- That last rhyme:

Three to get ready
to make some dough.

All right. You can take the whole bullpen
area for your computer-readout exhibit.

- How's that, Bar?
- Yeah, thanks a lot.

Sorry I missed you.
Had to stop at the library.

Well, you're just in time.

Go on, hit me.

You're not very
bright But give it a shot

Uh-huh.

Now we're getting somewhere.

And what's that?

Mother Goose.

Everything's right out of this,
including the pease-and-porridge jazz.

Here we go. Page 35.

Pease porridge hot
Pease porridge cold

Pease porridge in
the pot nine days old.

Hey, pretty soon you're
gonna be ready for Dr. Seuss.

Morning, sarge. It's a
present for my niece.

Four years old today.

Aha.

Well, when you get to the part
about the mouse runs up the clock...

take a hint, will you?

Pease porridge in
the pot Nine days old.

Hey, Jon, telephone. Line 2.

Yeah, okay, Barry.

Hello, Officer Baker.

This is Tom Weeland
over at Weeland Bakeries.

I heard about your open house...

and I was wondering if I could
donate some bakery goods.

You know, since I can't hold my
excess inventory over to Monday anyway.

Yeah, well, sounds great. Why
don't you hang on just a second?

A bakery wants to know if they
can donate goodies. Interested?

Are you kidding?
I'll take everything.

Well, what about Cynthia?

Out. I figured it would be in poor
taste to bother her on her honeymoon.

Mr. Weeland?

Listen, my refreshment chairman says that
he would greatly appreciate your offer.

Well, good. I'll have my truck
over there Saturday around noon.

Please, it's the least I can do.

Okay. Thank you.

- Oh, yeah!
- Good going, Chris.

We are all set. I told my uncle I needed
one of his trucks to pick up some furniture.

- Well, all right.
- Now do it. Let's go.

- That's the convertible.
- That's what I was thinking.

All right, hang on.

Okay. Okay, man.

Well, well, look
what we got here.

Joe College.

Okay, let's go. School's out.

Come on.

Looks like everything's
starting to fall into place.

What are you guys talking about?

Oh, nothing.

We spend all our spare
time figuring out riddles.

Yeah. Bright, right. Shot, pot.

Stuff like that.

I knew it. Those two
Chippies are here.

Oh, no. They got our bail
revoked. What do you bet?

Relax, this just makes
things more interesting.

Wait a minute. Davey
and I go to court. Not you.

Charged with what? Littering
the freeway with play money?

It was an accident.

Reckless driving and
failure to obey a police officer.

Pure harassment,
man. It'll never stick.

They've had it in for us ever
since we beat the possession rap.

Hello, gentlemen.
Sorry to disturb you.

Good old Officers Baker
and Poncherello here.

Mind if we take a
minute of your time?

Well, this is a surprise.

We just want to
return your love letters.

Seeing as how we're gonna
break up this romance right now.

What is he talking about?

I'm talking about what seems
to be fun and games to you guys.

It's gonna get somebody killed.

What fun and games?

How about abandoning a car
right in the middle of the freeway...

provoking a monumental traffic jam
and speeding through a public park, huh?

You guys are lucky you're not staring
a Manslaughter 2 right in the face.

The bottom line is, it's
gotta stop right here, now.

You got a beef against us?
Let's settle it. Face to face.

Hey, Ponch, I think
they got the message.

You get the message, anybody?

I didn't get any message.

Paper plates. Remind
me to get paper plates.

And plastic forks.

Hey, Jon, I think somebody's
trying to tell you something.

Why didn't you guys
come to me earlier?

We thought we could
handle it ourselves.

Yeah, till 20 minutes ago.

Well, look, I've got no choice but
to pull you guys off the open house.

As of now, for your own safety.

- No way, sarge.
- If something's gonna break today...

it's better that it looks
like we don't suspect.

Well, all right. But I'm doubling
the security just in case.

All right. Thank you.

Okay, start setting up
the paper plates and cups.

Hey, Ponch, looks like
you really outdid yourself.

First class all the way.
Stewardess and all, right, Linda?

He loves the way I say,
"Coffee, tea or what have you."

Hey, guys. Mail call.

Don't forget, Drill team
goes in 15 minutes.

Looks like Mother
Goose strikes again.

Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man
Bake me a cake as fast as you can.

- Beautiful. Back to square one.
- No, hold it. There's more.

"Alice and whee"?

Oh, no.

My stand! You're too close!

Help me, Linda. Look.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

They look beautiful.

No more brownies.

Mmm.

Nothing like the smell
of homemade brownies.

Hey, hey, let's hear it for all
those brave and fearless girls...

from dear old Gamma Delta Phi.

Hey, hey. Yeah.

Hey, beautiful.

Come back in a few
minutes for some cookies too.

Bake a cake?

B instead of T? Alice
instead of Tommy.

Come on, Ponch,
you're missing all the fun.

Don't I know it.

What if Baker spots us?

With all these civilians
around? No chance.

He's too busy being nice.

Listen, honey,
you mind the store.

I gotta go teach Evel
Knievel a few things, okay?

Okay.

- Any inspiration?
- Nothing.

Cake, pot, Alice and whee.

Who can track it?

Excuse me a second.

Okay, you guys. All I expect
is perfection. Nothing less.

Okay, we're gonna
have the drill team now.

Brownies. The
kids will love them.

I can guarantee it.

Excuse me.

- Hey, Ponch.
- Yeah?

The bakery truck.

It's not cakes, it's brownies.

Remember the "wee" in Weeland?
Put that with Alice and the B.

So, what are you driving at?

Alice B. Toklas. Remember the
movie? That's the name of the cookbook...

when they sprinkle all the pot on
everything including the brownies.

Bye.

Come on.

Meaning "whee" as in whee!

He spotted us.

Here, don't touch
that, all right?

Okay, wise guy. End of the line.

Get him out of here.

Ponch, how could you?

Don't look at me.

I told Getraer I didn't
know what I was doing.

The captain has asked
me to read the following:

"I would wish to commend
all those responsible...

for making our fifth annual open
house such an outstanding success.

And in particular, the fine
work of Officer Jon Baker...

for providing the highest
level of leadership...

in the face of outside interference
that threatened every visitor."

Signed, "Captain John Haskell,
commander, Central Area."

Sarge, wait, what about Ponch?

Wait a minute, wait a
minute. I'm not through.

Of course.

Who could forget
your contribution?

This is just for you.

According to this bill...

25 bucks will just about take care of
the damage to the lemonade dispenser.