CHiPs (1977–1983): Season 2, Episode 10 - Return of the Turks - full transcript
Ponch runs into an old acquaintance who is having trouble accepting the fact that he's growing older; the brother of Jon's former partner, who was killed in the line of duty, impersonates a CHP motor officer by wearing his brother's uniform and riding his motorcycle. Ponch and Jon rescue a young girl from an ambulance that overturned on the freeway.
Imagine me getting a
commendable-incident report.
When Getraer told
me, I almost passed out.
Well, you must have really been
hot-dogging it while I was away.
Hey, come on, 278
cites in a month?
I'd be the hottest
pencil of all time.
- Did you mention that to our sergeant?
- He said I was just trying to be modest.
Make you feel like a big man
giving some poor housewife...
a lousy ticket for
fudging over 55?
With all the drunks and potheads
running us decent people off the road...
you have to give an
innocent housewife a ticket.
- Hey, who's that?
- Might be Mel Scully.
I don't think so, he
doesn't move like Mel.
What are you doing?
I thought your tire
was low, but it's okay.
Have a nice day.
Have a hernia.
Well, 73's good, buddy.
And listen, I've gotta sign off
now, my off-ramp's coming up.
Attention all Beat 7 units...
we have a report of a motor officer
down on the Hollywood Freeway...
vicinity of Lankershim.
You know about an officer being
involved in an accident around here?
I'm the one that hit
him, but he's gone.
- He wasn't hurt?
- Well, he was limping.
I told him I radioed for help
but he said it wasn't necessary.
Didn't ask me for my license or anything,
just jumped on his motorcycle and took off.
How'd you figure it?
That guy said the officer was
limping, so he must have been hurt.
- And why would he take off like that?
- Must have been something more urgent.
- May I see your driver's license, please?
- What'd I do?
Nothing. From the looks of it...
seems you're having a
little shock-absorber trouble.
Sid? Sid Lambert?
Hey, man, don't
you recognize me?
- The Latino Flash.
- Poncherello!
In uniform. It couldn't be.
Hey, what do you expect me to wear
out here? A tank top and blue jeans?
- Hey, come here, come here. Jon? Baker?
- Suddenly you're fuzz, man. You can't be.
- Baker, Sid Lambert.
- Hi, how're you doing?
To tell you the truth, I
almost didn't recognize you.
Well, it's been a mess of
years since the Van Nuys days.
This dude was a honcho in one
of the most hell-raising crowds...
that ever cruised the
boulevard. The Blue Flames.
They made The Wild Bunch
look like a Sunday-school picnic.
I wish I had a dime for all the times I
had to chase out this macho, pushy kid.
He had more guts than sense.
Yeah, he's told me so.
Hey, how's Angy? I
heard you two got married.
That was eight years
ago. We got a boy, 4.
You really should get those
shock absorbers replaced.
You're bouncing like a
ping-pong ball and it is dangerous.
Would you believe it, that's where I'm
heading now, to Rudy Altmyer's place.
Man, you cats must
really be getting old...
if a mean dude like Rudy has to settle
down and do an honest day's work.
Why, in his day, Rudy's wrecked
more cars than a junkyard.
Hey, let's get together and
hoist a few beers soon, huh?
- Great, I'll give you a call.
- Little Ponch, a motor jock.
Wait till I tell Rudy.
- I'll see you, man.
- All right.
Looks like your past
is catching up with you.
Sid's a nice guy. I'm glad it was a case
where I didn't have to write him a cite.
Yeah, well, If he would have deserved
a cite, would you've given him one?
Of course.
You don't believe me?
Friendship, like
love, can be blind.
Well, not out here, man.
You know me better than that.
Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
So Ponch is a car chaser.
I remember when
he was the "chasee."
He said we'd get together
for a few beers soon.
You don't care
what you drink with.
How come the only time I see you
is when you need some work done?
Hey, I put in, sometimes,
14 hours a day.
What about the shocks?
Can you put them on now?
Sure, if you want to pay through
the nose for some new ones.
Couple of days, I can get you a
set off some car that was totaled...
- for about a third the cost.
- I'll wait.
I've got some heavy bills
breathing down my neck already.
Take a ride with me,
deliver a radiator...
then we'll stop off for a
beer and shoot the bull a little.
My old lady's been on me
for getting home too late.
Women, they'll blow
your brain if you let them.
Okay, maybe one beer.
- This thing run?
- Pulled the engine out of my truck.
Don't worry, it'll get us there.
We had better than
this heap in the old days.
It just gets stuck
every now and then.
- Come on. Hey.
- See, no sweat.
Do you ever wish things
were like they used to be?
Cruising down Van Nuys, all
the guys together every night.
Nutty things we did.
We really knew how
to have kicks, huh?
Remember the night Prendy and Chops
made off with that street-washer truck.
And drove it smack
into Dundee's drive-in...
with all the water jets
and the brushes going.
Hey, look out.
You looking to get
trashed, you little creep?
Get yourself a
skateboard, it's faster.
Dump 'em!
Get him.
Come on, you guys, back off.
Hey, I didn't mean it, come on.
- The throttle linkage is stuck.
- Well, turn off the ignition.
I can't.
Oh, boy, now the
steering is gone.
There's too much
play in the wheel.
I can't hold it
straight on the road.
15, 7 Mary 3 and 4, L.A.
We have a report of a
vehicle out of control...
northbound Ventura
approaching Vineland.
The linkage, it's
unstuck. It's okay now.
Two motor cops on our
tail and coming up fast.
- Rip that license plate off, I'll get the back.
- What good will that do?
- They still can trace the car.
- It's unregistered.
Come on, let's cut out of here.
You notice that dude
in the brand-new Cad?
He almost coughed up his
caps when we nicked him.
I've had some wild rides in
my time, but that was the most.
What do you say we take
in a Rams game Sunday?
- You got tickets?
- No, I know this guy...
The last time we got
tickets from that guy...
we sat so high
up on the field...
it looked like ants
on a striped tie.
Okay, okay. Don't applaud. Don't
applaud. Just genuflect when I pass.
Come on, tell us what you did...
to get Getraer to issue you a
commendable-incident report.
I'll tell you what he did.
Our little hot-dog here dashed
off 278 cites in just one month.
Whoa.
All right, get your
subpoenas while they're hot.
- Grossman.
- How can anyone contest my citation?
Just look at this face. It's the
epitome of honesty and integrity.
Don't laugh too loud,
Poncherello, here's one for you.
Don't let it get you down,
Ponch. One out of 278 isn't bad.
Why won't anybody believe
I didn't write that many cites.
Can you just make
this a warning?
I mean, it'll be my third ticket in
11 months. I could lose my job.
I'm sorry, sir. That's something
you should have thought of sooner.
Have a nice day.
Sure.
I still say that records
clerk made a mistake.
She must have added my
cites with somebody else's.
That woman wouldn't make a
mistake like that, you know it.
Oh, yeah?
Look at this name:
"Archibald V. McNulty."
Man, there's no way I wouldn't
remember a name like that.
Hey, Pete. We missed you.
Well, I've been working nights.
What happened? Did you
miss the third turn at Ontario?
Yeah. You know,
but I still came in third.
- We'll be talking to you later, all right?
- Okay.
If he races, how come he didn't
become a motor officer like his brother?
I don't know, but his brother,
Gary, was one of the best partners...
I've ever ridden with until he got
killed chasing that speeding car.
That's when my luck changed too.
- How's that?
- I got you.
Oh, you're beautiful.
Oh, officer. Officer.
Now, wait a minute. How do
you know that she wants you?
Vibes, old buddy.
Pure vibes.
- What can we do for you?
- We're looking for this Ventura Freeway.
Oh, yeah, that's... The on-ramp's
two blocks straight ahead.
We just arrived, maybe you
can suggest a nice place to stay...
till we get an apartment,
preferably in Hollywood.
Try the Suncrest, that's a
swinging motel on the Strip.
Do you fellas ever drop
around the Suncrest?
Well, if we're encouraged.
Consider yourself encouraged.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Mm.
Come on, let's roll.
Those freeways are getting worse.
People are driving like they don't care.
Tell me about it.
On my way here, I
saw half a dozen guys...
zipping in and out of
lanes, tailgating, speeding.
Every one of them
was getting away with it.
We can't get them all.
Yeah, well, they ought to put
more men on those freeways.
Yeah, tell the governor. Hey,
we'll talk to you later, Pete.
Get one for Gary
for me, will you?
Yeah, I will.
Yeah, here's another
one with your name on it.
Yeah, that's mine but those other
three with my name sure aren't.
Well, why would another officer
want to make you a big man...
by signing your
name and not his?
I don't think it's
another officer.
Look at these serial numbers
on the forged citations.
They're all the same.
G686635. Every one of them.
Somehow, someone snatched that
page from my pinch book and had it copied.
Yeah, it looks
like an offset job.
Yeah, but where would they
get the badge and uniform?
Well, I got a better
question for you.
How did he manage to slip a
page out of your pinch book?
Well, I'm working
on that, sarge.
Poncherello, you
realize, of course...
that I'm gonna have to withdraw that
commendable-incident report on you.
I'm sorry about that.
Yeah, I see you're
all choked up about it.
That you, honey? - Better be.
Hey.
Couldn't you make it a
scotch and water for a change?
- Yeah, sure, I'll make one right now.
- Forget it.
- Rough day, huh?
- They're all rough.
Work, home, work.
Nothing changes.
My life's like a hunk of
warmed-over cabbage.
Well, just don't forget we
have to be at my mothers by 8.
End of a beautiful day.
- Hello.
- Did you see the papers tonight?
- No, not yet.
- We just made the front page.
You believe it, man?
We bopped 22 cars, baby.
- Twenty-two.
- Last count it was 17.
Hey, man, we just
invented a new game.
What do you say we
roll again tomorrow?
No, I can't. I'm busy.
So I'll make it a solo.
Dig me on the 11:00 news.
You believe it? Some
bike jockey's riding around...
handing out cites
with my name on them.
Must be righteous citations or
you'd have more than one subpoena.
That's not the point.
- I'll get a crowbar.
- Yeah.
All right, come on, let's
go. Move it. Come on.
Come on, keep it moving.
Come on.
Come on, keep it moving.
Who's in there?
A girl in a respirator, an
iron lung and an intern.
Easy, I think my leg's broken.
- Let me give you a hand.
- How's the girl?
- She's scared but not hurt.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Are you all right?
I can't breathe.
Listen, I'll be right back.
You just relax, okay?
- How is he?
- It's broken.
See my partner,
he'll call it in.
Okay.
- She's having trouble breathing.
- The respirator pump's been knocked out.
- Can we get the respirator out of there?
- No, it's bolted down.
Get on the horn
and call for a crane.
- And tell them "on the double."
- Right.
We gotta do something.
- There's a hand pump.
- Where?
On the left side, up near
the front of the respirator.
Okay.
Wait a minute, Ponch. These
pipes could come down any time.
Yeah, let's hope not.
Listen, there's an emergency
pump. I'll have it going in a second.
You guys get some ropes, chains,
whatever you got, and tie these pipes off.
- Okay, we got it.
- You got it.
I got the pump going
now, it's gonna be okay.
- Hey, my name is Ponch. What's yours?
- Kathy.
Nice to meet you, Kathy.
- Feeling better now?
- Uh-huh.
Good. Listen, you just relax.
With old Ponch here, you
got nothing to worry about.
Okay, got it.
Okay, that's the key. We're
gonna have to hold that one.
Come on.
Hey, Grossman!
Get that crane in here.
Let's go.
Hang in there till it tightens
down on the other side.
Noisy little
rascals, aren't they?
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
Let's get this chain on the other side.
Let's get this thing squared away, all right?
- How old are you, Kathy?
- I'll be 13, Saturday.
You're kidding. You could have
fooled me. I thought you were older.
- Really?
- Yeah, 15, at least.
What happened to
that guy directing traffic?
I didn't see anybody
directing traffic.
But I saw a motor officer going
down the off-ramp when I drove up.
You just keep
breathing, all right?
We'll have you out faster than
you can say "Rumplestiltskin."
Rumple who?
Rumplestiltskin. Don't tell
me you never heard the story.
I don't think so.
Well, young lady, you missed
one of the hair-raisers of all times.
You see, there was this
beautiful girl with long blond hair...
and she had to spin
gold out of straw.
Thank you, both of
you, for everything.
Don't mention it.
Listen, I hope the next time we see
you it's under nicer circumstances.
Hey, whatever happened to
that girl who spun gold from straw?
Oh, her. She graduated
from business school at UCLA.
She owns her own bank now.
Lean down here, you two.
Closer.
- Have a happy birthday now, you hear?
- Oh, I will.
You know, you've been moping
around here for two days now.
What's bugging you, honey?
Me. I'm what's bugging me.
I'm beginning to feel like I'm doped
up, except there's no high to go with it.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about
my job, this house.
Same things over and over.
Nothing happens anymore.
Me and Davy, we're what's
happening if you took the time to notice.
Angy...
There's gotta be more to
breathing than just this box I'm in.
In a few years, I'm gonna be 40.
- So that's such a big deal?
- To me, yeah.
Okay, tell you what.
Why don't I send Davy over
to the Hefflers for the night.
- We'll go out, have dinner, go to a movie.
- What did I just say?
Nothing ever changes
around here, does it?
We might as well be 90
years old for the rut we're in.
Well, that's funny.
Up to a couple of days
ago, you seemed to like it.
Look, baby, it's not you. It's
not Davy. It's me, it's the shop.
It's staring into the
guts of a TV set all day...
while outside, in the streets,
wherever, people are living.
I'm not living anymore, Ang.
Oh, and I am.
The dirty clothes.
I'll show you living.
I knew you were gonna say that.
Even when we have a beef,
we can't get out of the rut.
Okay, what's going on, Sid? Some
young girl been coming on to you?
Nowadays, girls don't
dig middle-aged mummies.
Oh, middle-aged my foot.
You know, when you
say that, you include me.
Look, honey...
let's fall over to the hangout.
Have a few laughs
like we used to.
Maybe some of the
old gang is still around.
Sure, so you can get
juiced and end up in a fight?
No thanks.
- Well, it didn't used to bother you.
- Oh, that was years ago.
We were dumb kids then.
Yeah, well, we're not zombies.
Ugh!
It's the guy that was at
the accident yesterday.
When we pulled up,
he was directing traffic.
A few minutes
later, he was gone.
15, 7 Mary 3 or 4, L.A. Report
of an 1 1-24 stalled vehicle...
on the right shoulder.
Eastbound Ventura near Haskell.
I'll take it.
- They're worth a nickel at least.
- Your thoughts? No way.
Let's say I know how a
guy got your pinch book...
tore out a blank citation and put it
back without you knowing about it.
It happened when we stopped
to eat about a month ago.
- I think the guy was Pete Bertram.
- Sure.
His brother was an officer.
That's where he got the
badge and the uniform.
I can't prove it.
Who are you, Abe Lincoln, Jr.?
- Let's get a warrant and go to his house.
- Wait a minute, Ponch.
I want to talk to him
first. Give him a chance.
A chance? Oh, man, and
you got the brass enchiladas...
to wonder if I show
favoritism to friends?
Remember, his
brother was my partner.
Let me handle it.
Okay.
Handle it.
May I see your
license please, sir.
Sure, how about this?
Jon.
That's right, Pete.
What if this would
have been a gun?
What if this had been
some guy in a stolen car?
Huh?
You wouldn't know, you
don't have a hot sheet.
Or say I was some dude coming
from a heist and had a hostage.
What would you do then, huh?
You'd probably
get yourself killed...
and an innocent person with you.
Look, this job is more than
handing out traffic citations, man.
What do you think we spend
all those months in school for?
Learning how to hold a pencil?
I wanted to be a cop...
but they wouldn't take me.
I'm colorblind.
So I talked Gary into it.
And it's my fault
that he's dead.
Hey, Pete, no. Wait a
minute. That's dumb.
I mean, that's really dumb.
Gary was 28 years
old, he wasn't a kid.
And he knew what he
was doing, you don't.
So, what happens now?
What are you gonna do?
You're under arrest for
impersonating an officer.
You gonna take me in?
No.
You're gonna take yourself in.
Tomorrow morning, first thing at Central.
I want you to turn in
Gary's uniform, his gun...
and his badge.
I'll be waiting for you, Pete.
If you're not there,
I'm coming after you.
All right, beautiful.
Hey. Oh, this is the one.
Right on, man. This is it.
Yeah, this is
gonna do just fine.
This is the second old heap
you've taken in three days.
What are you doing with these
jalopies? They're only good for parts.
I'm gonna dress her up
with higher carburetion...
lower her rear-end gearing
and really soup her up.
She's gonna be the star of the
next Freeway Bumper Car Game.
Good shot.
Here. The old days.
Hey, come off it, man. You're making it
sound like we're pushing for Medicare.
I tell you, Ponch...
once you hit 35, the years
seem to go into high gear.
Hey, haven't you
heard? Life begins at 40.
You haven't even been born yet.
Yeah, maybe. What happened to all
the kicks, though? All the great times?
Huh? Is it all over? Do we just sit
around and listen to our arteries harden?
Now, that's pretty heavy
stuff you're saying there.
I remember when I was
a senior in high school...
and started having
beefs with my old man.
I thought, "Man, what's this old
dude know what's going down?"
Then he hit me one day.
Now I'm as old as he was then.
That's heavy.
Come on, Sid.
A few wrinkles don't make
you ripe for social security.
Something happened the
other day, something crazy.
Kind of stunt we used to pull.
Got me thinking of
what a rut I'd been in.
- What crazy stunt?
- Oh, it doesn't matter.
It only showed me...
that I'm still capable of feeling
some real gut excitement.
Something I
haven't felt for years.
Yeah, well you can't eat
excitement or take it to the bank.
Sure, easy for you to talk.
You're tooling around on your bike in
the middle of what's really happening.
Look, Sid, you got a home.
A real home with a wife
who cares about you.
I know Angy, and
she's good people, man.
And you got a son and a business
that's going. What more do you want, huh?
Maybe all that is what's
making me feel trapped.
What you feel is the
weight of responsibility...
which sooner or
later gets everybody.
You're fighting it.
Which tells me, baby,
that you're a late bloomer.
What do you mean by that?
You're feeling the
pangs of growing up.
Like I told you, good as
new for one-third the cost.
How long is it gonna
take to put them on?
Leave your truck with me, I'll drive you
home and I'll pick you up in the morning.
- Okay.
- Come on.
- Another clunker, huh?
- Yeah, but she's got a belly full of fire.
Drop your socks and
play the fox, old buddy.
The Auto Boppers are
about to ride again. Yeah!
Hey, hey, now, wait a minute.
What are you doing?
Cool it, man. Just cool it.
Attention, all units.
Report of a reckless driver.
What are you, out of your skull?
- What are you doing?
- I'm growing up, man.
Over there. What do you think?
You can take the
boy out of Van Nuys...
but you can't take the Van
Nuys out of the boy, huh, Rudy?
Nice of you to bring
the car here, though.
Don't have to be moved.
Yeah, he just walked in here,
said he was under arrest...
for impersonating an officer
and left this stuff with me.
You know, Pete's really a good
guy. I hope the DA goes easy on him.
Well, he didn't use the
badge for his own gain.
I have a pretty strong hunch
the DA will recommend probation.
And if I know Judge
Harlow, and I do, she'll listen.
You know the judge?
Yeah, I used to date her
when she was in law school.
Oh, fine. Pete will be lucky
if he doesn't get five to 10.
It's the nicest birthday
cake I ever saw.
You better blow out those
candles, they're starting to drip.
I don't know if I can.
Hey, now, what kind
of talk is that, huh?
- Will you help me, Jon?
- Sorry, honey, you're on your own.
- Good girl. Happy birthday.
- Thanks, you guys.
The doctor says if you work
at it, you'll get out of this soon.
So I'd like to make my
date now. You like movies?
Love movies.
Oh, no. I get the first
date, right, honey? Tell him.
Faster than you can
say "Rumplestiltskin."
But shouldn't you have a girl
waiting for you on your day off?
Me? Hey, I got a dozen women out
there just pulling their hair out over me.
But who likes bald-headed women?
commendable-incident report.
When Getraer told
me, I almost passed out.
Well, you must have really been
hot-dogging it while I was away.
Hey, come on, 278
cites in a month?
I'd be the hottest
pencil of all time.
- Did you mention that to our sergeant?
- He said I was just trying to be modest.
Make you feel like a big man
giving some poor housewife...
a lousy ticket for
fudging over 55?
With all the drunks and potheads
running us decent people off the road...
you have to give an
innocent housewife a ticket.
- Hey, who's that?
- Might be Mel Scully.
I don't think so, he
doesn't move like Mel.
What are you doing?
I thought your tire
was low, but it's okay.
Have a nice day.
Have a hernia.
Well, 73's good, buddy.
And listen, I've gotta sign off
now, my off-ramp's coming up.
Attention all Beat 7 units...
we have a report of a motor officer
down on the Hollywood Freeway...
vicinity of Lankershim.
You know about an officer being
involved in an accident around here?
I'm the one that hit
him, but he's gone.
- He wasn't hurt?
- Well, he was limping.
I told him I radioed for help
but he said it wasn't necessary.
Didn't ask me for my license or anything,
just jumped on his motorcycle and took off.
How'd you figure it?
That guy said the officer was
limping, so he must have been hurt.
- And why would he take off like that?
- Must have been something more urgent.
- May I see your driver's license, please?
- What'd I do?
Nothing. From the looks of it...
seems you're having a
little shock-absorber trouble.
Sid? Sid Lambert?
Hey, man, don't
you recognize me?
- The Latino Flash.
- Poncherello!
In uniform. It couldn't be.
Hey, what do you expect me to wear
out here? A tank top and blue jeans?
- Hey, come here, come here. Jon? Baker?
- Suddenly you're fuzz, man. You can't be.
- Baker, Sid Lambert.
- Hi, how're you doing?
To tell you the truth, I
almost didn't recognize you.
Well, it's been a mess of
years since the Van Nuys days.
This dude was a honcho in one
of the most hell-raising crowds...
that ever cruised the
boulevard. The Blue Flames.
They made The Wild Bunch
look like a Sunday-school picnic.
I wish I had a dime for all the times I
had to chase out this macho, pushy kid.
He had more guts than sense.
Yeah, he's told me so.
Hey, how's Angy? I
heard you two got married.
That was eight years
ago. We got a boy, 4.
You really should get those
shock absorbers replaced.
You're bouncing like a
ping-pong ball and it is dangerous.
Would you believe it, that's where I'm
heading now, to Rudy Altmyer's place.
Man, you cats must
really be getting old...
if a mean dude like Rudy has to settle
down and do an honest day's work.
Why, in his day, Rudy's wrecked
more cars than a junkyard.
Hey, let's get together and
hoist a few beers soon, huh?
- Great, I'll give you a call.
- Little Ponch, a motor jock.
Wait till I tell Rudy.
- I'll see you, man.
- All right.
Looks like your past
is catching up with you.
Sid's a nice guy. I'm glad it was a case
where I didn't have to write him a cite.
Yeah, well, If he would have deserved
a cite, would you've given him one?
Of course.
You don't believe me?
Friendship, like
love, can be blind.
Well, not out here, man.
You know me better than that.
Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
So Ponch is a car chaser.
I remember when
he was the "chasee."
He said we'd get together
for a few beers soon.
You don't care
what you drink with.
How come the only time I see you
is when you need some work done?
Hey, I put in, sometimes,
14 hours a day.
What about the shocks?
Can you put them on now?
Sure, if you want to pay through
the nose for some new ones.
Couple of days, I can get you a
set off some car that was totaled...
- for about a third the cost.
- I'll wait.
I've got some heavy bills
breathing down my neck already.
Take a ride with me,
deliver a radiator...
then we'll stop off for a
beer and shoot the bull a little.
My old lady's been on me
for getting home too late.
Women, they'll blow
your brain if you let them.
Okay, maybe one beer.
- This thing run?
- Pulled the engine out of my truck.
Don't worry, it'll get us there.
We had better than
this heap in the old days.
It just gets stuck
every now and then.
- Come on. Hey.
- See, no sweat.
Do you ever wish things
were like they used to be?
Cruising down Van Nuys, all
the guys together every night.
Nutty things we did.
We really knew how
to have kicks, huh?
Remember the night Prendy and Chops
made off with that street-washer truck.
And drove it smack
into Dundee's drive-in...
with all the water jets
and the brushes going.
Hey, look out.
You looking to get
trashed, you little creep?
Get yourself a
skateboard, it's faster.
Dump 'em!
Get him.
Come on, you guys, back off.
Hey, I didn't mean it, come on.
- The throttle linkage is stuck.
- Well, turn off the ignition.
I can't.
Oh, boy, now the
steering is gone.
There's too much
play in the wheel.
I can't hold it
straight on the road.
15, 7 Mary 3 and 4, L.A.
We have a report of a
vehicle out of control...
northbound Ventura
approaching Vineland.
The linkage, it's
unstuck. It's okay now.
Two motor cops on our
tail and coming up fast.
- Rip that license plate off, I'll get the back.
- What good will that do?
- They still can trace the car.
- It's unregistered.
Come on, let's cut out of here.
You notice that dude
in the brand-new Cad?
He almost coughed up his
caps when we nicked him.
I've had some wild rides in
my time, but that was the most.
What do you say we take
in a Rams game Sunday?
- You got tickets?
- No, I know this guy...
The last time we got
tickets from that guy...
we sat so high
up on the field...
it looked like ants
on a striped tie.
Okay, okay. Don't applaud. Don't
applaud. Just genuflect when I pass.
Come on, tell us what you did...
to get Getraer to issue you a
commendable-incident report.
I'll tell you what he did.
Our little hot-dog here dashed
off 278 cites in just one month.
Whoa.
All right, get your
subpoenas while they're hot.
- Grossman.
- How can anyone contest my citation?
Just look at this face. It's the
epitome of honesty and integrity.
Don't laugh too loud,
Poncherello, here's one for you.
Don't let it get you down,
Ponch. One out of 278 isn't bad.
Why won't anybody believe
I didn't write that many cites.
Can you just make
this a warning?
I mean, it'll be my third ticket in
11 months. I could lose my job.
I'm sorry, sir. That's something
you should have thought of sooner.
Have a nice day.
Sure.
I still say that records
clerk made a mistake.
She must have added my
cites with somebody else's.
That woman wouldn't make a
mistake like that, you know it.
Oh, yeah?
Look at this name:
"Archibald V. McNulty."
Man, there's no way I wouldn't
remember a name like that.
Hey, Pete. We missed you.
Well, I've been working nights.
What happened? Did you
miss the third turn at Ontario?
Yeah. You know,
but I still came in third.
- We'll be talking to you later, all right?
- Okay.
If he races, how come he didn't
become a motor officer like his brother?
I don't know, but his brother,
Gary, was one of the best partners...
I've ever ridden with until he got
killed chasing that speeding car.
That's when my luck changed too.
- How's that?
- I got you.
Oh, you're beautiful.
Oh, officer. Officer.
Now, wait a minute. How do
you know that she wants you?
Vibes, old buddy.
Pure vibes.
- What can we do for you?
- We're looking for this Ventura Freeway.
Oh, yeah, that's... The on-ramp's
two blocks straight ahead.
We just arrived, maybe you
can suggest a nice place to stay...
till we get an apartment,
preferably in Hollywood.
Try the Suncrest, that's a
swinging motel on the Strip.
Do you fellas ever drop
around the Suncrest?
Well, if we're encouraged.
Consider yourself encouraged.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Mm.
Come on, let's roll.
Those freeways are getting worse.
People are driving like they don't care.
Tell me about it.
On my way here, I
saw half a dozen guys...
zipping in and out of
lanes, tailgating, speeding.
Every one of them
was getting away with it.
We can't get them all.
Yeah, well, they ought to put
more men on those freeways.
Yeah, tell the governor. Hey,
we'll talk to you later, Pete.
Get one for Gary
for me, will you?
Yeah, I will.
Yeah, here's another
one with your name on it.
Yeah, that's mine but those other
three with my name sure aren't.
Well, why would another officer
want to make you a big man...
by signing your
name and not his?
I don't think it's
another officer.
Look at these serial numbers
on the forged citations.
They're all the same.
G686635. Every one of them.
Somehow, someone snatched that
page from my pinch book and had it copied.
Yeah, it looks
like an offset job.
Yeah, but where would they
get the badge and uniform?
Well, I got a better
question for you.
How did he manage to slip a
page out of your pinch book?
Well, I'm working
on that, sarge.
Poncherello, you
realize, of course...
that I'm gonna have to withdraw that
commendable-incident report on you.
I'm sorry about that.
Yeah, I see you're
all choked up about it.
That you, honey? - Better be.
Hey.
Couldn't you make it a
scotch and water for a change?
- Yeah, sure, I'll make one right now.
- Forget it.
- Rough day, huh?
- They're all rough.
Work, home, work.
Nothing changes.
My life's like a hunk of
warmed-over cabbage.
Well, just don't forget we
have to be at my mothers by 8.
End of a beautiful day.
- Hello.
- Did you see the papers tonight?
- No, not yet.
- We just made the front page.
You believe it, man?
We bopped 22 cars, baby.
- Twenty-two.
- Last count it was 17.
Hey, man, we just
invented a new game.
What do you say we
roll again tomorrow?
No, I can't. I'm busy.
So I'll make it a solo.
Dig me on the 11:00 news.
You believe it? Some
bike jockey's riding around...
handing out cites
with my name on them.
Must be righteous citations or
you'd have more than one subpoena.
That's not the point.
- I'll get a crowbar.
- Yeah.
All right, come on, let's
go. Move it. Come on.
Come on, keep it moving.
Come on.
Come on, keep it moving.
Who's in there?
A girl in a respirator, an
iron lung and an intern.
Easy, I think my leg's broken.
- Let me give you a hand.
- How's the girl?
- She's scared but not hurt.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Are you all right?
I can't breathe.
Listen, I'll be right back.
You just relax, okay?
- How is he?
- It's broken.
See my partner,
he'll call it in.
Okay.
- She's having trouble breathing.
- The respirator pump's been knocked out.
- Can we get the respirator out of there?
- No, it's bolted down.
Get on the horn
and call for a crane.
- And tell them "on the double."
- Right.
We gotta do something.
- There's a hand pump.
- Where?
On the left side, up near
the front of the respirator.
Okay.
Wait a minute, Ponch. These
pipes could come down any time.
Yeah, let's hope not.
Listen, there's an emergency
pump. I'll have it going in a second.
You guys get some ropes, chains,
whatever you got, and tie these pipes off.
- Okay, we got it.
- You got it.
I got the pump going
now, it's gonna be okay.
- Hey, my name is Ponch. What's yours?
- Kathy.
Nice to meet you, Kathy.
- Feeling better now?
- Uh-huh.
Good. Listen, you just relax.
With old Ponch here, you
got nothing to worry about.
Okay, got it.
Okay, that's the key. We're
gonna have to hold that one.
Come on.
Hey, Grossman!
Get that crane in here.
Let's go.
Hang in there till it tightens
down on the other side.
Noisy little
rascals, aren't they?
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
Let's get this chain on the other side.
Let's get this thing squared away, all right?
- How old are you, Kathy?
- I'll be 13, Saturday.
You're kidding. You could have
fooled me. I thought you were older.
- Really?
- Yeah, 15, at least.
What happened to
that guy directing traffic?
I didn't see anybody
directing traffic.
But I saw a motor officer going
down the off-ramp when I drove up.
You just keep
breathing, all right?
We'll have you out faster than
you can say "Rumplestiltskin."
Rumple who?
Rumplestiltskin. Don't tell
me you never heard the story.
I don't think so.
Well, young lady, you missed
one of the hair-raisers of all times.
You see, there was this
beautiful girl with long blond hair...
and she had to spin
gold out of straw.
Thank you, both of
you, for everything.
Don't mention it.
Listen, I hope the next time we see
you it's under nicer circumstances.
Hey, whatever happened to
that girl who spun gold from straw?
Oh, her. She graduated
from business school at UCLA.
She owns her own bank now.
Lean down here, you two.
Closer.
- Have a happy birthday now, you hear?
- Oh, I will.
You know, you've been moping
around here for two days now.
What's bugging you, honey?
Me. I'm what's bugging me.
I'm beginning to feel like I'm doped
up, except there's no high to go with it.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about
my job, this house.
Same things over and over.
Nothing happens anymore.
Me and Davy, we're what's
happening if you took the time to notice.
Angy...
There's gotta be more to
breathing than just this box I'm in.
In a few years, I'm gonna be 40.
- So that's such a big deal?
- To me, yeah.
Okay, tell you what.
Why don't I send Davy over
to the Hefflers for the night.
- We'll go out, have dinner, go to a movie.
- What did I just say?
Nothing ever changes
around here, does it?
We might as well be 90
years old for the rut we're in.
Well, that's funny.
Up to a couple of days
ago, you seemed to like it.
Look, baby, it's not you. It's
not Davy. It's me, it's the shop.
It's staring into the
guts of a TV set all day...
while outside, in the streets,
wherever, people are living.
I'm not living anymore, Ang.
Oh, and I am.
The dirty clothes.
I'll show you living.
I knew you were gonna say that.
Even when we have a beef,
we can't get out of the rut.
Okay, what's going on, Sid? Some
young girl been coming on to you?
Nowadays, girls don't
dig middle-aged mummies.
Oh, middle-aged my foot.
You know, when you
say that, you include me.
Look, honey...
let's fall over to the hangout.
Have a few laughs
like we used to.
Maybe some of the
old gang is still around.
Sure, so you can get
juiced and end up in a fight?
No thanks.
- Well, it didn't used to bother you.
- Oh, that was years ago.
We were dumb kids then.
Yeah, well, we're not zombies.
Ugh!
It's the guy that was at
the accident yesterday.
When we pulled up,
he was directing traffic.
A few minutes
later, he was gone.
15, 7 Mary 3 or 4, L.A. Report
of an 1 1-24 stalled vehicle...
on the right shoulder.
Eastbound Ventura near Haskell.
I'll take it.
- They're worth a nickel at least.
- Your thoughts? No way.
Let's say I know how a
guy got your pinch book...
tore out a blank citation and put it
back without you knowing about it.
It happened when we stopped
to eat about a month ago.
- I think the guy was Pete Bertram.
- Sure.
His brother was an officer.
That's where he got the
badge and the uniform.
I can't prove it.
Who are you, Abe Lincoln, Jr.?
- Let's get a warrant and go to his house.
- Wait a minute, Ponch.
I want to talk to him
first. Give him a chance.
A chance? Oh, man, and
you got the brass enchiladas...
to wonder if I show
favoritism to friends?
Remember, his
brother was my partner.
Let me handle it.
Okay.
Handle it.
May I see your
license please, sir.
Sure, how about this?
Jon.
That's right, Pete.
What if this would
have been a gun?
What if this had been
some guy in a stolen car?
Huh?
You wouldn't know, you
don't have a hot sheet.
Or say I was some dude coming
from a heist and had a hostage.
What would you do then, huh?
You'd probably
get yourself killed...
and an innocent person with you.
Look, this job is more than
handing out traffic citations, man.
What do you think we spend
all those months in school for?
Learning how to hold a pencil?
I wanted to be a cop...
but they wouldn't take me.
I'm colorblind.
So I talked Gary into it.
And it's my fault
that he's dead.
Hey, Pete, no. Wait a
minute. That's dumb.
I mean, that's really dumb.
Gary was 28 years
old, he wasn't a kid.
And he knew what he
was doing, you don't.
So, what happens now?
What are you gonna do?
You're under arrest for
impersonating an officer.
You gonna take me in?
No.
You're gonna take yourself in.
Tomorrow morning, first thing at Central.
I want you to turn in
Gary's uniform, his gun...
and his badge.
I'll be waiting for you, Pete.
If you're not there,
I'm coming after you.
All right, beautiful.
Hey. Oh, this is the one.
Right on, man. This is it.
Yeah, this is
gonna do just fine.
This is the second old heap
you've taken in three days.
What are you doing with these
jalopies? They're only good for parts.
I'm gonna dress her up
with higher carburetion...
lower her rear-end gearing
and really soup her up.
She's gonna be the star of the
next Freeway Bumper Car Game.
Good shot.
Here. The old days.
Hey, come off it, man. You're making it
sound like we're pushing for Medicare.
I tell you, Ponch...
once you hit 35, the years
seem to go into high gear.
Hey, haven't you
heard? Life begins at 40.
You haven't even been born yet.
Yeah, maybe. What happened to all
the kicks, though? All the great times?
Huh? Is it all over? Do we just sit
around and listen to our arteries harden?
Now, that's pretty heavy
stuff you're saying there.
I remember when I was
a senior in high school...
and started having
beefs with my old man.
I thought, "Man, what's this old
dude know what's going down?"
Then he hit me one day.
Now I'm as old as he was then.
That's heavy.
Come on, Sid.
A few wrinkles don't make
you ripe for social security.
Something happened the
other day, something crazy.
Kind of stunt we used to pull.
Got me thinking of
what a rut I'd been in.
- What crazy stunt?
- Oh, it doesn't matter.
It only showed me...
that I'm still capable of feeling
some real gut excitement.
Something I
haven't felt for years.
Yeah, well you can't eat
excitement or take it to the bank.
Sure, easy for you to talk.
You're tooling around on your bike in
the middle of what's really happening.
Look, Sid, you got a home.
A real home with a wife
who cares about you.
I know Angy, and
she's good people, man.
And you got a son and a business
that's going. What more do you want, huh?
Maybe all that is what's
making me feel trapped.
What you feel is the
weight of responsibility...
which sooner or
later gets everybody.
You're fighting it.
Which tells me, baby,
that you're a late bloomer.
What do you mean by that?
You're feeling the
pangs of growing up.
Like I told you, good as
new for one-third the cost.
How long is it gonna
take to put them on?
Leave your truck with me, I'll drive you
home and I'll pick you up in the morning.
- Okay.
- Come on.
- Another clunker, huh?
- Yeah, but she's got a belly full of fire.
Drop your socks and
play the fox, old buddy.
The Auto Boppers are
about to ride again. Yeah!
Hey, hey, now, wait a minute.
What are you doing?
Cool it, man. Just cool it.
Attention, all units.
Report of a reckless driver.
What are you, out of your skull?
- What are you doing?
- I'm growing up, man.
Over there. What do you think?
You can take the
boy out of Van Nuys...
but you can't take the Van
Nuys out of the boy, huh, Rudy?
Nice of you to bring
the car here, though.
Don't have to be moved.
Yeah, he just walked in here,
said he was under arrest...
for impersonating an officer
and left this stuff with me.
You know, Pete's really a good
guy. I hope the DA goes easy on him.
Well, he didn't use the
badge for his own gain.
I have a pretty strong hunch
the DA will recommend probation.
And if I know Judge
Harlow, and I do, she'll listen.
You know the judge?
Yeah, I used to date her
when she was in law school.
Oh, fine. Pete will be lucky
if he doesn't get five to 10.
It's the nicest birthday
cake I ever saw.
You better blow out those
candles, they're starting to drip.
I don't know if I can.
Hey, now, what kind
of talk is that, huh?
- Will you help me, Jon?
- Sorry, honey, you're on your own.
- Good girl. Happy birthday.
- Thanks, you guys.
The doctor says if you work
at it, you'll get out of this soon.
So I'd like to make my
date now. You like movies?
Love movies.
Oh, no. I get the first
date, right, honey? Tell him.
Faster than you can
say "Rumplestiltskin."
But shouldn't you have a girl
waiting for you on your day off?
Me? Hey, I got a dozen women out
there just pulling their hair out over me.
But who likes bald-headed women?