CHiPs (1977–1983): Season 1, Episode 8 - Green Thumb Burglar - full transcript

Ah, watch it,
you dumb, idiot.

For.. Where'd you get
your license, in a PX?

You clown, I'll run you
right off the road.

I'm not gonna
let you forget this.

You're gonna hurt my car.
You better watch out.

Three dollars a dozen?

I'll take one dozen.

For Georgia.

That's, uh, your
dream date, right?

Right on.

Three bones exactly.



I'll bet you tell all the girls
you pay $15 a dozen.

Ooh, hey, partner.

For Georgia, I'd pay
$17.50 plus tax.

Fat slob.

I'm gonna get you.

Pull over!

LA, 15-7, Mary 3,
we have an 11-82.

Rollover, westbound
San Bernardino.

West of Herbert and, uh,
send an 11-85 and a car unit.

Hey, mister.

You chowder head,
this is my wife's car.

- You idiot.
- Sir.

- Dumb idiot.
- Listen.

- I really don't like--
- For crying out loud.



- You've done your play--
- Come on, get me.

- Hey, hey!
- Hey!

- Get that big slob off me.
- Let me at him.

- I'm gonna pulverize that pig.
- Alright, break it up!

Break it up.

Come on.

O-okay, officer.
Okay.

I'm gonna..

- Now hold it, guys.
- Listen, you--

- I'm gonna--
- Cool it, alright.

I said, cool it.

Ah, you'll never forget it.

- 'Okay.'
- 'I'm not through with him.'

- 'Hey, be a nice guy.'
- I'll blind you.

- Come on. Let go of me.
- Okay, I'm going away.

Oh!

You alright, officer?

- Yeah, I'm great.
- You want some help?

No, I can handle this, dude.
I just slipped.

I'm not through
with this chowder head.

Now you don't punch anybody,
understand?

You just got sent
to the showers, old buddy.

Okay, Ponch,
keep an eye on these two.

They've been drinking.

I'll give a call
for another tow.

Why are you arresting me?
It was.. He started it.

Maybe, but you tried
to finish it and me.

Congratulations, meathead.

You really did it this time.

Who are you calling
meathead?

- 'Meathead?'
- Listen, you--

Knock it off, alright?
Cool it, okay?

Yeah, I'll cool it
after I cool him.

Hey, what's seems to be
the problem with you two, huh?

That guy stole
my parking place at work.

That was
my parkin' place!

- Sit down right here.
- Yeah, okay, alright.

Oh.

Hey, uh, thanks a lot
for the helping hand, okay?

You can thank
the Green Thumb Burglars.

The who?

Tree-nappers,
landscape thieves.

We're replanting
the whole stand of saplings

'that they ripped off.'

You gotta be kidding.

What are they gonna
do with them?

Guess they sell 'em.

Well, back to work.

- See ya.
- Later.

- Thanks again.
- So long.

You believe that, Jon?

A 2-11 on shrubs?

Yeah, well, I guess people
will steal anything, anymore.

A 2-11 on shrubs
wasn't that funny.

It's not that.
It's just that, uh..

If cleanliness
were next to Godliness

man, you'd be
a long ways from heaven.

Three-seventy-five again?

Man, if I was your cleaner,
I could retire, you know it.

Kinda glad
I'm goin' home.

Give me a chance
to put Georgia's

roses, in water.

You sure have Georgia
on your mind.

Oh, Jon,
now, that's clever.

What can I say?

Hey, that's
a four-way stop sign.

Ladies, mind stepping
out of the car?

Hey, you're twins.

Synonymous.

Yeah, and you look alike too.
Hey, Jon.

Ah, Ponch, uh, the ladies mind
stepping to the rear of the car?

- Step to the rear, please.
- Sure.

Come back here,
thank you.

I'll be with you
in just a minute.

- Did they see us switch?
- No.

I sure can't
get a ticket.

Oh, I don't wanna lose
my driver's license.

Heavens, whatever happened
to your uniform?

Uh, may I see your driver's--

Is he a mess, Paulette?

Cute, though.

Just like a mud pie.

Thanks.

Uh, may I see your
driver's license, please?

Why me?
She was driving.

Sorry, ma'am.

We saw the switch

and we're not buying today.

Don't you recognize us?

We're the Tidwell twins.

'I mean, we're famous.'

'Everybody knows
the Tidwell twins.'

We give psychic readings.

Psychics?

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.

Well, if you're psychics maybe

you can figure out
why I need your license.

Ladies, uh, please.

Would you give my partner
your license?

So we can write your citation

for running that stop sign.

Are you trying to say

that I was driving?

No, I'm telling you that you--

'Well, you're wrong, officer.'

My sister doesn't know
how to drive.

Well, ma'am,
I have to agree with you.

You're a very fresh,
young man.

What's your name?

"Punjello."

I won't forget that.

Yes, ma'am.

And in the future,
I'd advise you both

to watch your stop signs,
alright?

Well, giving advice
is my business too.

'And what I see in the future
is giving me great enjoyment.'

Oh, don't,
Lottie, don't.

Don't you wanna know
what I see in your future?

Go on, lady,
take your best shot.

Today's been nothing
but a bummer anyway.

'Well, your bummer
has just begun.'

I caution you first..

...to beware of sharp objects.

I always make it a point to.

'Very funny.'

But you won't be
so glib very soon.

Second, I see conflict

with an authority figure.

'Third, you will be
in danger from fire.'

And fourth..

...you're going to experience

a devastating romantic setback.

Sign right there, please.

And how much do I owe you
for the reading?

The pleasure of this one's
all mine.

Drive carefully, ladies.

I told you we wouldn't
get away with it.

Yeah, don't forget
your ticket.

Don't forget
your ticket.

- Thank you. Have a nice day.
- Next time--

Next time,
we'll have to smile more.

Believe that?

Yeah, well, uh..

She really put the curse on you.

Oh, come on,
psychics don't know anything.

'Besides..'

I have my fingers crossed.

Oh.

Ah. Sweet roses.

Oh, yeah.

For you, Georgia.

Where did you get
this frog?

Oh, I won it at the carnival
last night.

Oh, well, uh, didn't,
what's her name? Um..

Sally, didn't she want it?

Beats me.

What do you mean, beats you?

- Wasn't she your date?
- Yeah, so?

'Why didn't you give
the frog to her?'

Hey, Sally,
didn't win it, I did.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, old buddy, ya hungry?

- Ready for some food?
- Uh, no, thanks, Ponch.

Listen, uh, why don't we run
down somewhere like the--

Hey, there's plenty
of food here.

Uh, no offense, Ponch,
but, uh, can we just run down?

I'm not hungry.

Ooh. What tasty morsels
we have here.

Oh, yeah.

Hmm.

Tuna and beans?

Yeah, a feast
fit for a king.

Ah, you'll
love it anyway.

This stuff is real tasty.

Ah!

What happened?

I cut myself.

Oh, a...sharp object?

Now, that's stupid, Jon.

Madame butterball
couldn't predict

a sunrise at dawn.

Yeah. Well, I hope you're sure.

Hey. Coincidence, that's all.

Oh, yeah.

'Strictly coincidence,
that's all.'

Yeah.

Hello, guys.

Here's papa.

Gonna give you some food

and make you look real nice.

Hey, you got bugs.
You got bugs.

We're gonna have to find out
where they are.

I'll bring some stuff tomorrow
and see if we can--

Hey, sarge.

Talking to yourself?

'Or the plants?'

Is that Officer Punjello?

The same Officer Punjello

I just got a 30 minute
telephone complaint about?

The same impertinent,
mud-spattered probationer

who harasses
little old ladies?

Hey, sarge,
it was a righteous cite.

They were runnin' a stop sign.

Yeah, and they tried to pull
the old switch number on us.

Well, they said you were
plastered with mud.

- What happened?
- Oh, I, uh--

I slipped and fell
while I was makin' a bust.

Is that what happened, Baker?

Uh, yeah.
Approximately.

Yeah, well, uh..

Where were you when all this
was going on, huh, Baker?

I was too scared to move, sarge.

That's just as I thought.

You collared 'em both, right?

'Uh, no, just one.'

Caltrans workers
helped with the other guy.

I also helped too, you know.

Our hero.

Uh, no. I'll take
care of that. I'll take care.

Hey, uh, you didn't happen
to hear about the thieves

that, uh, ripped off
two stands of saplings

on the San Diego, did you?

Again?

Why, those dirty..

That-that's the last straw!

What do you mean?

A-a man's inhumanity
to man, Baker.

'You can't even
plant a sapling'

'without the poor little things
getting ripped off.'

You act like they were yours.

They're everybody's.

Shrubs and trees
and little plants

are the-the living,
breathing essence of nature.

Fighting for
their very existence

in this concrete world
we live in.

Oh, we didn't know you cared?

'Of course, you didn't.'

Just be at
the afternoon briefing.

Ah, sarge,
uh, we're on patrol.

Be at the briefing.

Briefing.

Punjello,
you believe that--

Hey, wait a minute,
that's number two.

What?

Yeah, Madame Butterball.

Remember, the sharp object?
Uh..

The authority figure and next..

Come on, Getraer
is no great prediction.

Jake, dig these up. They're
worth about 50 bucks a piece.

Sam, you get these and
I'll get the oleanders, okay?

- Remarkable.
- Spectacular.

- Ponch.
- Hi, Georgia.

Gee, you look
sensational.

- What's happening, Ponch?
- Oh, the usual.

Busy keeping the streets safe
for you ladies.

Ooh. Sounds dangerous.

Hey, don't push me, babe.

You know how I hate to brag
about myself.

Ponch, about tonight, I--

We're still on, huh?

Of course.

I just wondered what time

you're gonna pick me up.

Uh...how's about 8:00?

- Perfect.
- 'Okay. Hey.'

There's a sneak preview
at the drive-in.

Plus..

...there's a very
suggestive cartoon.

Uh-oh.

Relax. You're in good hands.

I can hardly wait.
Bye, Ponch.

Bye, Jon.

Catch you later.

Did you hear that?
She can hardly wait.

Well, I hate to
remind you, Ponch, but, uh

Madame Butterball said

"devastating romantic setback."

I tell you, Jon.

From your perceptive
point of view

is Madame Butterball wrong?

'Or is she wrong?'

Yeah, well, um..

I guess she's wrong.

♪ Tonight tonight

♪ Won't be just any night ♪

Thanks.

Alright. Alright.
Listen up, you guys.

Just a few changes
from the morning line.

Before you go out on patrol

pick up the, uh,
new hot car sheets.

And be sure and check out that
dead end off of valley circle.

We've had reports
of drag racing there.

There was an accident
yesterday.

Alright.

Alright. Now, this
is really important.

Those Green Thumb Burglars
that hit the east valley?

They've moved into our area.

'And they're hitting on plants,
shrubs and small trees.'

As soon as Caltrans
gets a sector planted

these...vermin move in
and wipe the whole thing out.

I hope I can convey to you

the importance
of this situation.

Uh, sarge?

Yeah?

Um, I wanna know something.

Uh, stealing plants along
the freeway--

Uh, no, Ponch.

Isn't that what they call
a highway robbery?

Alright, alright.
Laugh it up, laugh it up.

But those guys
are in our sector now

and it's up to us to catch 'em.

Yeah, well, uh,
what kind of plants

are we looking for, sarge?

Now, there's a sensible
question, Baker.

Their last haul included
Agonis flexuosa

Elaeagnus pungens,
Acacia longifolia and

'Pyracantha walderi.'

What is that?

That means
greens and shrubs, Ponch.

And here's the kicker.

To date, these
Green Thumb Burglars creeps

have ripped off in excess
of $60,000 worth

of the taxpayers' foliage.

Phew. That's a lot of bucks.

Yeah. I thought you'd like that.

Alright, crime crushers,
move out.

Keep going.
Let's go.

Hey, what's with the guy
in the sports car?

He's okay.
Help's on the way.

Come on, move it on up.
Let's go.

Keep it moving.
Keep it moving.

- Hey, Fritz.
- Hey, Ponch, Jon.

- What's happening?
- Not much.

Take a look at that.

Hey, you alright?

Why, what's wrong?

- Sure you're not hurt?
- Positively, all--

All I am
is a little stuck in here.

'You think this'll affect
my insurance rates?'

Uh, well, I'm sure your
insurance company

will take notice of it.

After all, you are
totally totaled.

The high cost
of living.

You know, just last month
I reported a crushed taillight.

A simple taillight,
and you know what?

What?

They upped my rates.

You're right, officer.

I'm really gonna hear
about this one.

- 'Oh, boy.'
- Well, just relax, alright?

Hey, give these guys
a hand, maybe.

Hey, can I help ya out?

You can hook the chain for us.

'Hey. hey.'

'Come on, watch it.'

What are you doing?

W-what's happening here?

Be careful where you
put that, will ya?

Come on, now.
Be careful.

- Just relax, alright?
- Now, now, wait a minute.

I got a speaking engagement
at the automobile club tonight.

'Come on. Watch out
with that, would ya?'

- Just hang in there.
- 'What are you doing?'

'What are you doing?'

Is there any air
in the left tire there?

- It's a good tire.
- Just hang in there.

Oh, no.
Come on.

Now, stop that,
will you? Stop it.

I think I hurt myself.

You got it?

The driver was okay.

- Yeah, what happened?
- I don't know.

The MG cut across
in front of it.

'I've got the report
right here.'

'Hey, look, gas.'

The flare!

Hey, driver!

- Let's hit it.
- Right, captain.

'We better set up a
foam truck rendezvous.'

'Yeah, let's keep her rolling.'

'Got to keep
the flames back.'

Hey, miss. Hey.

Your rig is on fire.
Don't-- don't stop.

I can't hear you.

Yeah, your rig is on fire.

I said, your rig is on fire.

Back there, the tail.

Oh, my God.

No, no, don't slow down.
Keep moving.

But I'll blow up.

The wind's blowing
the flames back.

'Stay on 55.'

Hey.

Hey, we need a foam truck.

Take it off to Vineland exit

and we'll rendezvous
at the, uh, vacant parking lot.

Okay.

LA Engine 36.

Come on, Jon,
we'll leapfrog ahead

and clear the traffic.

Just keep going.

Hold it.

How am I doing?

You're doing fine.

Easy now.

Slow it down.

I said easy. Easy.
Slow down.

Easy.

Hey, get out.

Get out.

Right here is fine.

Both fluids and a half.

It's alright, come on.
Everything's gonna be alright.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

Ooh! Look at this.

Ooh.

- I did it. I did it.
- Did what?

I beat her.
I beat Madame Butterball.

I cut my finger.
Getraer jumped all over me.

But the fire didn't get me.

Yeah, well, she didn't say
the fire was gonna get you.

She just said there was
danger of fire.

Ah, come on, Jon. Admit it.

Madame butterball
finally blew her cool.

What are you getting
so excited about?

I thought you didn't believe
in psychics?

I don't.

Yeah?
Where's your bike?

Right here.

Oh.

H-h-hey.
What took ya so long?

Uh, the chippies
are getting thick.

From now on
we gotta be careful.

Yeah, okay.

- I'll give you 500 for it.
- You're kidding.

Six hundred.

Five-fifty tops.

I gotta watch my overhead.

Okay. Alright.

Hey, Ponch, uh,
I've been thinking about

those Green Thumb Burglars.

Yeah, well,
what about 'em?

How do you know if a guy's
putting a plant

into the ground
or taking it out?

You tap him on the shoulder
and you ask.

Oh, funny. No, seriously.

I mean, you know
those plant planters

that we see every day?

Maybe they are
the plant-nappers.

- Will you run that by me again?
- Yeah.

I mean, maybe these guys
are dressing up

like Caltrans landscapers.

They got the truck,
the whole bit.

That's a good theory, Jon.

Uh...you finished?

I'd like to water
my plants.

- Yeah, I'm all through.
- Yeah.

- Uh, hey, sarge.
- Yup?

Listen to this idea.

How can you tell
if a dude's

putting a plant
in the ground or taking it out?

'What, Frank?'

Well, what I mean is

maybe those freeway plants
are being boosted

from right under our noses
all day long.

- 'Alright.'
- 'You know?'

Guys dressed
like Caltrans workers?

That's a good
theory, Frank.

Yeah, that's a great theory.

Thanks, old buddy.

Hey, what?

Hey, I didn't tell him
I thought of it.

Central units, this is S-4.

I've come up with
a possible MO.

On the Green Thumb Burglar.

Check all Caltrans workers

'involved in
landscaping detail.'

'Check personal identification

as well as
vehicle registration.'

'Check all landscape
contractors as well.'

This is a priority call.

I want immediate action
out there.

'These crimes could be going on
right under our very noses.'

Ah, um...we're gonna get 'em.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah,
I know we're gonna get 'em.

But I was just
in here thinking, you know, uh.

It's amazing how many people in
central are just so ingenious.

That's a no-no, sarge.

'What?'

'Stealing someone else's
brainchild.'

That's right and as
a matter of fact

I think I'll book both of you
on grand theft of theory.

Both?

Bye.

Oh, hi, Jon.

Oh, hi, Georgia.
How's it goin'?

- Fantastic.
- Good.

- Where's Ponch?
- Uh.

- He'll be back in a minute.
- Can't wait.

I've got all
these reports to file.

- Plus, I'm on the phone.
- 'Uh, wait a minute.'

Nothing's wrong, is there?
I mean, uh..

Something devastating?

Oh, no. Everything's
super-fantastic.

Tell Ponch I'll talk to him.

Okay.

Sorry to hold
you up, guys.

I've gotta check
your IDs.

Thanks.

Hey, thanks.
It's the sergeant's idea.

I almost forgot to tell you,
Georgia back at central

wanted to talk to ya.

Yeah, what about?

I don't know,
but, uh

she sure was
turned on about something.

Hey, she's been turned on
ever since I asked her out.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

But she said she'll
talk to you later.

She probably wanted to ask
what she should

wear on our date
tonight, you know?

The ladies are always
trying to please me.

Yeah, that's
probably it.

Hey, Jon, how's your vision?

- Huh?
- Your vision.

It's 20/20. Why?

Take a look across the street
and tell me what you see.

Call it in.

What is it?

If I knew,
I'd call it in.

'Let's check it out.'

Hi, officer,
I can explain this.

'You see, I was late
for this photo session and--'

Mind stepping
out of the car, please?

LA, 15-7, Mary 4,
give me a...10-20

on an 849,
Sam, Zebra, Yellow.

Okay, guys,
let's hustle it up.

I am really sorry, officers.

But my PR man scheduled me
for a photo session.

And my driver didn't show up.

'I apologize for
the inconvenience, but--'

Hey, come on, Jon.
Don't you know who this is?

Hey, I know he cut off two cars

because his view
was obstructed, alright?

No, man. This is "Pufnstuf."
Don't you ever..

I forgot.
He doesn't have a TV set.

Wh-what? No TV, and you're
gonna write me a ticket?

Hey, okay, okay. I'm not gonna
write you a citation.

'I'm just gonna give you
a warning, tag your car'

'and you can walk back
to the television station.'

Oh...thank you, officer.
I will.

Okay, let's clean it up.

Nice and easy.

Let's make it look legit.

Thanks a lot,
officers. Buh-bye.

You know, uh..

I thought Stufnmuf was a--

It's "Pufnstuf."

Oh, yeah.

Well, I thought
he was just for kids.

Well, I guess, I'm just
a big overgrown kid, partner.

I'm hearin' you.

Okay, Jake.
Nice and slow.

Hey, Ponch.

Caltrans landscapers.

'Let's check out my, uh..'

I mean, Getraer's theory.

Put your foot in it, Jake.

Hey, Ponch.

LA 15-7,
Mary 3 and 4

in pursuit of 487 suspects
in Caltrans truck

southbound Hollywood
and Sunset.

Possible Green Thumb Burglars.

'Mary 3, 10-4.
Attention, all units.'

'7 Mary 3 and Mary 4
in pursuit'

'of possible 487 suspects'

'southbound Hollywood
Freeway at Sunset.'

'Vehicle is a Caltrans truck.'

'These are possibly
the Green Thumb Burglars.'

We just picked up
another chippie.

Hit the lift, Jake.

Beautiful.
Beautiful.

Go, get going.

Come on, Jake,
get us out of here.

- I'm tryin'.
- Move, move.

- Punch it, man.
- I'm punching and punching.

- I'm tryin'.
- Ignore him, Bob.

Oh, man. Pull it in, man.

- Head for that exit there.
- I'm tryin'.

Let's get out
of this thing, man.

I'm tryin'.

They got us pinned in here,
you know it?

Okay, get out.

Get your hands
over your head.

Kneel down.

Cross your legs.

Now, put your right hand down
behind your back.

Come on.

Other hand.

Alright, since this is my bust,
I'll take over now.

What makes you think
it's your bust?

Well, uh, who takes care
of all the plants at central?

Oh, you do, sarge.

And who worries about 'em?

Make sure they get
all their vitamins, huh?

Well, I guess you do, sarge.

You got it.

Hey, you're early.

Yeah, I thought
I'd get the evening off

to an early start and

thank you
for lending me your car.

Uh, no sweat.

Man, I've seen enough
drive-ins for one day.

So I decided...I'm gonna take
Georgia to some place special.

Like, uh, dinner.

And then, uh, maybe
we'll boogie at a disco.

♪ Dah dah

Hey, I see you got
a dinner date too, huh?

Yeah, well, I want to talk
to you about that, Ponch.

See, what happened is..

It's not really
a date, date, you see.

In case someone is falling by,
then I'll--

Hey, uh, you need
some candles, partner.

And those glasses
are tired.

- What do you mean? I nee--
- Where are the candles?

Ponch, I'm trying
to tell ya

I don't need any candles.
Alright?

- I mean--
- Hey, come on.

How are you
gonna romance a lady

without candlelight, huh?

I'm gonna have to teach ya.

Don't you understand
what I'm trying to say?

I don't have a formal date.
Alright?

You got that right.
Without candlelight, you don't--

Ah!

Ah!

Ah. She really got to ya,
didn't she?

Who?

Uh, Madame Butterball.

What do you mean?

You know,
danger of fire, and, um..

'Well, I hate to tell you
this, Ponch, but, um..'

a certain person called
and, uh..

...when I answered
the phone, I--

Who?
Georgia?

Yeah.

She got engaged
to Sergeant Maloney today.