CHiPs (1977–1983): Season 1, Episode 9 - Hustle - full transcript

-You sure it was my turn to buy?

- Yeah, I bought yesterday.
- But I bought the day before.

No, Ponch. That was Sunday.

- So?
- So we weren't on duty.

Then I bought
the day before that.

No, that was a holiday
and we were off.

Well, like I said.
It was my turn to buy.

Hey, Jon! See the notice
about the bowling tournament?

Yeah.

Well, what do you say?

I mean, there's gonna be
a trophy in it.



'And it could have
your name on it.'

- Right underneath mine.
- I don't know, Ponch.

I used to work in a bowling
alley when I was in high school.

I think I had my fill.

Come on!
I need a partner.

Partner.

You aren't gonna
give up, are you?

No way.

Attention,
Ventura Freeway units.

'A 2-11 just occurred
at Ratner's Market.'

'1300 White Oak.'

'Two 2-11 suspects
on motorcycles, southbound'

'on the Hollywood Freeway
at Vermont.'

Hey, we were just there.



Let's go.

Hey, I could pull you over
and cite you for that!

Hey, Ponch.

'It's them!'

LA, 7 Mary 3 and 4 in pursuit,
possible 2-11 suspects, uh

Eastbound Ventura and Reseda.

'10-4, 7 Mary 3.'

- Off your bikes!
- Now! And grab some sky!

Move over there.
Get over here.

Okay, turn around,
take off your helmets.

'Male suspects, huh?'

Oh, yeah.

Somethin' funny, ladies?

- Uh, no, sir.
- LA, 7 Mary 3.

Pursuit is code 4,
negative on the suspects.

Uh, Eastbound Ventura,
West of Haskell.

10-4, 7 Mary 3.

Let me see both of
your driver's license.

Mine too.

Why didn't you pull over
when you saw us?

Uh, we really didn't think
you were serious.

'Oh, uh..'

Oh, you didn't think
we were serious?

Right.

Don't you know what red
flashing lights mean, huh?

That your pants are on fire?

You ladies aren't doing anything
to help yourselves.

'15-40, LA. There's a
hitchhiker, northbound..'

'It's kind of cute.'

'Might start a trend.'

Well, what do we have here,
a laugh-in?

We thought they were
the suspects, sarge.

Oh, is that right?

Suspects were male, remember?

Yeah, well, we didn't know
they were girls.

Uh, how long did it take you
to figure that out, Baker?

Well, we pulled up behind them
and they had their helmets on.

Hey, Frank,
I like your underwear.

How did that happen?

Well, this guy flipped a
cigarette out of the car window

and it landed on my lap.

- 'And, uh..'
- Come on.

'Uh, I would
like to know, Frank'

why a cigarette, when it has
the whole freeway to land on

decides to land on your lap?

I guess the whole world's
got it in for me, huh?

Uh, no, Frank. Just a few of us.

Hey, uh, I hate to break up
this friendly chitchat

but Ponch has to be
in court in 30 minutes.

And, uh, I don't think
those hot pants

are gonna go over too well
with Judge Lindheim.

Hey, he's right.
I gotta go home and change.

You don't have time. You can
borrow a pair at the office.

Hey, sarge, got any salve
in your first-aid ki..

Forget it, okay?

Boy.

'And therefore, Your Honor..'

'...if the officer
were parked at La Brea.'

'Uh, that is 0.76 miles
from where he stopped me.'

And if in fact he clocked me
for half a mile..

...it is clear, Your Honor..

..that the officer's motorcycle

must have had
an average velocity

of approximately..

...175 miles an hour.

I can calculate again
if you wish.

No, that won't
be necessary, Mr. Wee.

The court is convinced
that reasonable doubt exists.

'Case dismissed.'

Sidney M. Engelhardt.

Hey, you wanna borrow
the "Wee" abacus?

Are you kidding?
This case is open and shut.

Just watch me.

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.

State your name, please.

'Officer Frank Poncherello,
California Highway Patrol.'

Assigned to
motorcycle enforcement.

Central division.

Would you describe for the court

the circumstances surrounding
Mr. Engelhardt's citation?

Uh, yes, sir, Your Honor.

There was a minor accident
near Stadium Way.

I had just finished
laying down

a flare pattern
to control traffic

'when Mr. Engelhardt
grew impatient'

'and cut through the flare line,
and tried to merge'

'with other cars waiting to get
into the baseball game.'

When I tried to stop him,
he ignored me

and charged ahead even further.

I cited him for violation
of section 2800.

'"Failure to obey
a traffic officer."'

Mr. Engelhardt, be patient.
You'll get your turn.

Officer Poncherello, do you have
anything else to add?

No, Your Honor.

It's your turn, Mr. Engelhardt.

Thank you, Your Honor,
with your permission

I would like to, uh,
make some corrections

in the diagram.

Please feel free.

Okay, because, um..

...see, first of all, the, uh

the flare line is completely
and incorrectly stated on here.

'The flare line is out of place,
and it's not right.'

The flare line here,
I'll tell you exactly where..

um, you see,
if the court pleases, may I?

Please, feel free.

Um, you see,
the flare line is right--

Oh..

The chalk is..

'The, the flare line
is completely wrong.'

See, it's not here as he said.

See, the flare line is here.
This is the flare line. See?

'It comes right down here. See?'

Flares, flares, flare, flare.
That's the flare line, see?

Ain't that right?
That's the flare line.

No, it's wrong. Doesn't,
see, it's not..

'cause it's coming over the
turn-off here. See, it has..

Ah, here! Here is the flare.
Ah, now I see.

'I see flare, flare, flare,
flare, flare.'

'The turn-off is not here
like, like he said.'

Here is the turn-off. It was
north of the flare line. See?

'And the flares come all the way
down here. You see that?'

The central divider's here.

'I can tell you exactly
what happened, Your Honor.'

'See now.'

I was standing, I was,
see? I was right over here.

I was tryin'
to come off the freeway.

All of a sudden, I saw
all these flares all around.

So, naturally, I was gonna stop
because the flares were there.

And, uh, you know,
when the, and then

I looked in my rear-view mirror
and I saw this giant

black and orange tanker.

Tanker right over here.

'So, naturally, black and orange
is right over, just like this.'

'I had to get out
of the line' otherwise'

'I would've been creamed.'

'It was really barrelin'

'down on me, behind me.'

Suddenly, I saw this cop
comin' at me, waving his flare

like some kind of a,
some kind of a pyromaniac

'you know,
yellin' his head off.'

'I mean, at first'

I'll tell you the truth,
Your Honor.

I thought
he was some kind of nut.

'Tell you the truth, I was just
tryin' to get out of his way.'

But then, I saw, I saw
the things, the junk hang

I knew he was an officer.
So I stopped immediately.

And I said, "What can I do?
What can I anything?"

Thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Engelhardt.

- But he didn't listen to me.
- Yes.

The court has heard
sufficient evidence.

Thank you, Mr. Engelhardt.

'Officer Poncherello.'

Did you see the tanker
that he described?

- No, ma'am, Your Honor.
- Of course, he didn't see.

He was too busy runnin'
those flares and yellin'

it was like the fourth of July.

All I saw was
the defendant's camper.

He crossed my flare line!

It's his word against mine,
Your Honor, right?

'That's right.'

Unless you have a witness.

In that case, Your Honor

I respectfully beg
the court's indulgence

for a continuance.

What would be the conditions
for a continuance?

I would, I need some more time
to gather evidence, Your Honor

is what I..

This is a very unusual request,
Mr. Engelhardt.

Your honor..

...justice demands it.

The court grants
a 48 hour continuance.

Thank you, Your Honor.

You do your best,
you bust your butt

day in and day out
to make the grade.

What do you get? Some jerk
calling you incompetent.

Hey, Ponch,
just do yourself a favor

and forget it, alright?
The guy is crazy.

Yeah, you're right. Crazy.

You're not gonna give me
the shaft too, are you?

- We're a team, right?
- Now you're talkin'.

Don't worry,
you won't be sorry.

I better warn you,
I need some practice.

I'm a little rusty.

Ah, don't worry,
I'll teach you all my tricks.

You'll bowl 300 every time.

Anything you say, old buddy.

Good afternoon, sir.
May I see--

- And how are you, young fella?
- Just fine, thank you.

May I see your driver's license
and registration, please?

Look, don't you recognize me?

Yes, sir. May I see
your driver's license, please?

Just a minute now.

'Here's the license.'

Thank you.
And registration too.

And here's the registration.

Thank you.

Listen, this has expired
almost two months now--

I don't believe it.
"21-50 over," right?

"21-50 over," right? Right?

You're almost right.
And how are you today?

Wow, this is really somethin'.

What an honor! Hey, Jon,
this is Broderick Crawford.

I know. I knew when I came up
here. Besides, I gotta write--

Boy oh boy,
I have watched you for years

over and over and over.

Hey, hey.

21-50, bye.

21-50, over.
21-50 to headquarters.

'Huh? Huh? Huh?'

Yeah, that's right.

You know, I was makin'
those highway patrol shows

long before you guys were born.

Yeah, they don't make TV shows
like that anymore.

Yeah, that's right.
They don't, do they?

Say it for me, please,
the guys at the office

will never believe it.

21-50, bye.
21-50 to headquarters. Huh?

Alright, alright, alright.

21-50 to headquarters.

21-50 to headquarters.

Headquarters, bye.

Boy, that was great, huh?

Hey, I'll be right back.
Don't go away.

That's great.

Oh. Can I borrow your pen?
This thing's out of ink.

What?

Your ink pen, please?

you gotta be kiddin'.

What are you doin' here?

Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.

Well, if you're not doing
"nothin' at all"

and you don't have car trouble,
then move out.

'Because I could write you up.'

We don't want people to say that
I'm harassing you, do we, sir?

No, no. No.

Move out.

- 21-50, over and out.
- 10-4.

Hey!

Hey, Jon, I wanted
to get his autograph.

And how could you?
How could you do it?

My hero, Mr. Highway patrol,
and you give him a ticket.

I only gave him a warning.
Don't you see?

I just gave him a mechanical
to get his autograph.

I'll give you a Xerox copy.

Yeah, pretty good.

Not that. Over there.

Oh, fantastic,
they're comin' this way.

I knew my luck
was about to change.

What we need is
a foursome, uh..

'I mean, if we're gonna
work as a team'

we ought to find a team
to compete against, right?

Yeah, we play a little
better under pressure.

You got it.

Oh, hi.

Ignore 'em, they'll go away.

I'll bet you ladies
never had the opportunity

to bowl against a three-time
national champ, huh?

Well, no, now that
you mentioned it, never.

Well, isn't that
a coincidence.

I never have either.

Look, I'm telling you,
that's what our policy is.

Don't tell me about your policy.
I want my money back.

But you had 'em all day.
You still owe us 5 bucks.

Give me my money.

I got a mind to throw you
down one of your alley!

- Excuse me, sir.
- Butt out.

- My money!
- I said, excuse me.

Butt out.

Uh, my partner.

- You guys aren't on duty.
- Twenty-four hours a day.

'What seems to be the problem?'

This guy won't give me
my deposit back.

That's because he doesn't
have it coming.

- He's a thief.
- Have you been drinkin'?

There's no law against that.

Depends on
what you do afterward.

Well, what am I doin'?
This guy's rippin' me off!

Hey, why don't you go home
and take a little rest, alright?

And, uh..

I trust you aren't driving.

Uh, I'm walkin'.

- Thanks, fellas.
- You betcha.

Listen, we need
a couple pairs of shoes.

- Uh, three and a half C?
- No.

Nine-and-a-half C
and a ten B.

The first key to great bowling
is finger spread.

You need the strength
of an eagle's talons

'and the finesse
of a' watchmaker.'

The second key
to great bowling is form.

Form combined with perfect
harmony of motion.

Why don't I just show you how?

The third finger
was a little snug on me.

Warm-up. Now, that's very
important for a good game.

You see, Ponch is such
a perfectionist.

'Uh, he's kind of the
Beethoven of bowling.'

We got a bad lane, folks.

Hey, Jon..

...if, uh, you shift your weight

on your left leg
you'd get a better take-off.

Okay, Ponch.

Not bad.
Uh, can you do it again?

I don't know.
The release didn't feel right.

I'll give it a shot.

That's great.

Exactly what was your job
when you worked

in the bowling alley?

- I was the instructor.
- Instruct..

You're a natural,
you can't miss.

Being on a team with you is
like having a license to steal.

- What are you talking about?
- The tournament. What else?

We can clean house.

- What? What--
- Oh, you'll see.

You'll see.

Oh!

Oh!

Look what you've done!
Are you crazy?

You could have killed me.

And my car! Oh, my car!

I did just what you told me to!

You said you were stalled,
weren't you?

That is exactly the reason
you were supposed to push me.

You, You are so stupid!

Don't call me stupid,
I was doing a favor for you.

'If anybody's stupid, it's you!'

'Oh, look what you've done.'

'You smashed up my car!'

- I'm gonna sue you--
- It's not your whole car.

It's just your bumper there.
How can you sue me?

- You asked me to do it.
- Well..

- Please, ladies. Please.
- You said 25 miles an hour.

- That's exactly what I did.
- Ladies--

The book says push me
up to 25 miles an hour

not hit me
at 25 miles an hour!

- Ladies, please--
- Well, then you should have--

Alright! Enough! Stop!

Now, will you please
step on the curb, ladies?

'Oh, officer, she told me
to push her. And I did.'

'Push. Push. That's exactly
what I said. Push, not smash!'

Don't move
and don't make a sound.

'3 Adam 42,
1X45 in pursuit, 2-11 suspects.'

And not only that,
I'm gonna see my doctor.

Because I'm sure
that I have a whiplash.

In fact, I know I have!

- Well, I'm injured too--
- Oh!

LA 15, 7 Mary 3. Roll one
11-85, Vineland and Riverside.

Ladies, stay on the curb!
Get back!

Hey, Ponch,
there goes a hot roller

and we're stuck here
with the debating society.

- I'm gonna call your husband--
- Yeah, our luck, partner.

- Don't you dare.
- If you think I'll keep quiet--

'Hey, we drew a bye
in the first round.'

- Yeah. We got lucky this time.
- How about that?

'Hope our luck holds.'

Good morning, fellas.

- Hey, Ponch.
- What's happening?

- How you doing?
- Alright.

Are you guys gonna be
in that bowling tournament?

Yeah, me and Fritz
are teamed up again.

That's right,
you guys won it last year, huh?

Hey, why don't you give
the rest of us a break?

Because it's too much fun
watching you eat humble pie.

Well, I think I'm gonna give it
a try again this year anyway.

I might even be interested
in a little side bet.

Be careful,
there's cops in here.

A week's lunches at Gitnick's?
What do you say?

Hey, wait a minute.
Who's your teammate?

Oh, Jon.

I've never seen Jon bowl.
Is he any good?

Well, he's got potential.

But I'm gonna have
to give him some pointers.

Wanna double the bets?

Later, okay?

Looks like somebody's
south 40's about to get plowed.

Yeah, well, uh, at least
it isn't yours this time.

Jonathan Baker.

- Yeah.
- Please answer this yes or no.

Do you or do you not
have in your possession

a gold-plated, monogrammed
ballpoint pen

belonging to one
Broderick Crawford?

- 21-50, over.
- 21-50, bye.

Would you kindly return it, huh?

21-50 to headquarters.
10-4. 10-4.

Hey, turn around.

Okay, let's get down
to business.

Those two robbery suspects
on motorcycles?

Well, they've been
working overtime.

They hit another supermarket
this morning.

They got a real bag of tricks
up their sleeves.

They used a pedestrian overpass
to lose sheriff's units.

Then, they lost an LAPD unit
in the Newhall wash.

And while he sat up
to his hubs in mud

they disappeared
in a cloud of dust.

These characters are armed
and considered dangerous.

So if you spot 'em

uh, call for backup.

11-79, with injuries

westbound Santa Barbara off-ramp
at Chester Street.

Uh, two motors, uh..

Poncherello, Baker,
you wanna take it, please.

Someone's in there.

Hey, stay back!

'Look out!'

Careful, Ponch.
Don't touch him.

Okay. Alright.

'Alright.'

- Electric shock.
- Okay.

'I can't get it open!'

Help! Would someone help?

You got anything to get that
wire out of the water?

Yeah, pike pole in
back of the squad.

I'll get it.

- Help me. My baby's in here.
- Stay in the car, ma'am.

'Just stay in there.
The car is grounding.'

If you get out,
you're gonna get electrocuted.

- No. My baby's caught--
- Stay in the car!

- No! Let me go!
- Stay in the car!

No! Let me get out.

Stay in the car. If you get out,
you'll get electrocuted.

Release me.

Help!

No!

Calm down, would you? Ponch!

Let go!

Calm down, ma'am.

Just a minute.
Hurry up, Ponch!

Okay, go!

Okay.

Come here, baby.

I'll get him.
Get out. Come on.

Come on. Yeah, he's alright.
Come on. Come on.

- Everything's gonna be fine.
- I'm scared.

I know. Now, calm yourself.
Here. Just relax.

But I could have killed him.

Hey. Take it easy, alright?
Look at the baby. Hey.

Hey, he's a cute
little tyke, huh?

You're out of danger now.
Try and calm yourself.

Today's the first day
of my new job.

I was late. I was trying to get
the baby to the sitter's.

Yeah, but we
gotta be more careful.

Being late is nothing compared
to what could've happened to--

I've gotta go.

- No, hold on.
- Let me have my baby!

- Wait a minute.
- I have to go!

But my boss. You don't
understand. My new job..

Only place you're going is,
you and your baby are goin'

to the hospital
to get checked, alright?

You don't understand.
My baby depends on me.

Hey, we do understand.

And if your baby depends on you

then give him
a break, alright?

- You're right. I'm sorry.
- Let's go.

'10-6-Mary is 10-7 at IHOP's.'

The baby seems fine.

- I think she's okay too.
- Alright.

We'll take 'em in
just to check 'em.

Okay.

Let's get our gear and get
this traffic squared away.

Alright.

See you at the donut
shop after court.

Right, partner.

Hey, pull it over.

Yeah, you.

I said pull it over!

I said pull it over right now!

Uh, what?

Oh. I..
You don't speak English?

Je comprend pas.

You speak, uh, Francais?

Francais?
Uh, no, I don't understand.

Eh, no, you didn't
do anything wrong, sir.

'You're safe.
You're okay. Safe.'

- Safe.
- Ah.

Look it here, look here. Okay.

You-you-you're missing
a tire. See, that's all.

See, the little tires, you're--

Yeah.

Uh, no, no, no, see, um..

Your car, your auto?

- Auto, auto, oui.
- Auto.

Your auto has only one,
two, three tires.

- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
- But most car..

All these..
See, all these car..

All of the cars mostly have
one, two, three, four.

- Yeah.
- Understand?

Hold on a minute.
Just let me show you.

You know..
You understand "open"? Open?

Ouvrir. Ouvrir.

Yeah. Ouvrir.

Ouvrir.Let's see.
Where's number five at?

I don't believe you, monsieur.

Listen, uh, is that the way
you drive in France?

With just three little..

'Problem, Jon?'

Oh, uh, nothing.

Just a little language barrier,
and, uh, three quarters

'of a wheel allotment.'

He says he got his wheel stolen.

- What?
- He had his wheel stolen.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Ouvrir.

It's all yours, uh, Shain.

Tell him to drive carefully,
and, uh, merci.

Jon!

'Look, your honor,
it-it was almost five o'clock.'

'Y-your honor, 65 miles
in heavy traffic like this.'

'It's-it's
a hot rider's dream.'

'I mean, that day, they were
stacked up like sardines'

'bumper to bumper.'

'Look at the clock.'

'The officer must
have made a mistake.'

'Look, I was only going
20 miles per hour.'

'The traffic was crawling.'

So, as Your Honor
can clearly see

at five o'clock on
the Ventura Freeway

no one could possibly
go 65 miles an hour.

- So if the court--
- I've seen enough, Mr. Connell.

I suppose next you're gonna
show us pictures of your fa..

...amily.

Uh...lights, please.

The court will take this
case under submission.

The verdict will be
sent to you in the mail.

Bailiff, would you help
Mr. Connell with his equipment?

Um, you take care of this,
I'll get the screen.

Sidney M. Engelhardt.

Excuse me, I was, uh..

Sorry.

'Mr. Engelhardt,
do you have your evidence?'

Right here, Your Honor.

I have been following this
so-called officer around

for the last couple of days,
and I have proof

right here as to his
total incompetence.

- 'I don't think the court is--'
- 'Look at the pictures.'

'Here you go, see for yourself.'

Officer Poncherello,
would you like to look at these?

'You don't have
to comment, you know.'

I'd be delighted, Your Honor.

In this one, I was helping
this lady fetch her spare.

There was an accident
at the top of this ramp.

I had to get there in a hurry.

Your Honor,
the beer can was evidence.

And here, my partner was giving
a ticket to Broderick Crawford.

He didn't.

Thank you.

Mr. Engelhardt,
do you have anything to add?

No.

The court finds you guilty.
Please see the clerk.

- But, Your Honor..
- The clerk.

'Driver's license, please?'

Would it be possible
to get a dozen shots

of me with Broderick Crawford?

No.

Oh, I'm sure you guys
could join the tournament.

It's just the fellas
in the office.

Sounds like fun,
side bet and all.

- Tomorrow night you say?
- Yup.

You're on.

Alright. Excuse me.

Jon, I found a couple
of hot bowlers.

Oh, yeah?

Coffee and donuts
for a month. Hmm?

Alright.

'Attention, Hollywood units.'

'A 2-11 just occurred
at Ocean Savings.'

'Two male suspects
on motorcycles'

'wearing black jackets
and visor helmets.'

'Hollywood units lASO'

'reports two 2-11
suspects on motorcycles'

'southbound on the Hollywood
Freeway at Vermont.'

'One highway patrol unit
is in pursuit.'

'Suspects are armed.'

Which one do you want,
Sundance or Cassidy?

I'll take Sundance.

Hey, Ponch,
you still taking bets?

Are you kidding? Sure.

You know, I always suspected
you were crazy.

But now..

- Is that so?
- 'Mm-hm.'

- You wanna double the bets?
- You got it.

Well, for your
information, gentlemen

'me and old Jon
are gonna clean up.'

I'll take all the action
I can get. Come on.

'You've got a bet with every
guy on this shift, already.'

'Whether they're
bowling or not.'

Yeah, you're gonna
have to open up your

own hamburger stand, Ponch.

Ah. Here comes my loyal
teammate and ace bowler.

Guess what? I got all these
fish to double their bets.

Yeah, I wanna talk
to you about--

We're gonna eat free
for the rest

of our bike-riding lives.

And when we finish with you guys

'we're gonna take on
the sheriff's department.'

- 'Yesterday when we chased--'
- And then who knows?

Maybe, uh,
bowling for dollars--

- Ponch!
- 'Yeah?'

Remember that little mishap
at Griffith Park the other day?

- Yeah?
- It's not serious, but..

Oh, Jon.