Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1996–2003): Season 3, Episode 6 - Band Candy - full transcript
The students must study for standardized (SAT) tests and sell candy for the school band's new uniforms, even gang members who aren't in the band, but it's concocted by mayor Richard Wilkins's partner, Mr. Trick, and his subcontractor Ethan Rayne's men. Buffy lies to everyone so she can visit Angel, who is nearly normal again, just weak. Giles and ma Joyce Summers find out they are abused as false alibis but just send Buffy to bed, then work out a coordinated schedule for her and become close. The spiked candy turns adults into uninhibited, irresponsible 'teenagers'. Realizing vampires should be swarming, Buffy knocks their demonic intention out of Ethan...
"And on that tragic day.
an era came to its inevitable end."
That's all there is.
Are you ready?
Hit me.
Which of the following best expresses
the theme of the passage?
"A": violence breeds violence...
"B": all things must end...
"C"...
"B." I'm going with "B."
We haven't had a "B" in forever.
This is the S.A.T.s. Buffy. Not
connect-the-dots. Please pay attention.
A low score could seriously harm
your chances of getting into college.
Gee. Thanks. That takes
the pressure right off.
This isn't meant to be easy. You know.
It's a rite of passage.
Is it too late to join a tribe
where they just pierce something
or cut something off?
Buffy. Please concentrate.
Roll!
What? Huh!
Unh!
Unh!
Hmm. I broke
my number two pencil.
We'll have to do this
again sometime.
"C": all systems tend
towards chaos.
I just know that us
and the undead
are the only people in Sunnydale
working this late.
Mayor:
I appreciate you coming.
I realize it is early...
for you...
but I think you'll agree
that this matter is urgent.
also... delicate.
I'm a very delicate person.
So you feel you can handle this?
It's a little out of my element...
but I can get you what you need.
I know a beast who knows a guy.
Are you sure that subcontracting
is the way to go here?
Well. This guy's worked
your town before...
and if he lives up to his rep.
this place will be in flames.
I've made certain deals
to get where I am today.
This demon requires his tribute.
See. That's what separates me
from other politicians. Mr. Trick.
I keep my campaign promises.
[Sniffs]
Where'd I put that scotch?
Buffy:
And then I was being chased
by an improperly filled-in answer
bubble screaming. "None of the above!"
Wow. I hope that wasn't one
of your prophecy dreams.
Probably not.
You know. I took it last year.
I could help you get ready.
There's this whole trick
to antonyms. But...
this isn't the place.
Oz is the highest-scoring person
ever to fail to graduate.
Isn't she cute when she's proud?
She's always cute.
We could work on it tonight.
Work on what tonight?
Oh. God. Are we
killing something again?
Only my carefree spirit.
Buffy S.A.T. prep.
Oz is helping.
He's the highest-scoring...
We know. We did
the impressed thing already.
I hate they make us
take that thing.
It's totally fascist.
and personally...
I think it discriminates
against the uninformed.
Actually.
I'm looking forward to it.
I do well on standardized tests.
What? I can't have layers?
So. Buff. Study tonight?
Yes on the studying. No on tonight.
I'm putting in Mom time.
She's been drastic ever since
I got back. And Giles is even worse.
I'm supervised 24-7.
It's like being in
the Real World house. Only real.
Hmm. Ooh. Candy bars...
lots of'em!
Principal Snyder. Thank you!
You weren't visited
by the ghost of Christmas past.
by any chance?
It's band candy.
Let's hear it for the band. Huh?
Very generous.
You will sell it to raise money
for the marching band.
They need new uniforms.
Yeah. Those tall. Fuzzy hats
ain't cheap. Huh?
But they go with everything.
I'm sure we love the idea
of going all Willy Loman...
but we're not in the band.
And if I'd handed you a trombone.
that would've been a problem. Summers.
It's candy.
Sell it.
Joyce:
But you're not in the band.
And yet.
Buffy. What would I do
with 40 chocolate bars?
You could hand them out
at the gallery.
"Buy something pre-Columbian.
get a free cavity."
20.
You're a good mom.
I'm the best.
No. I'm pretty sure the best moms
let their daughters drive.
And yet.
Oh. Come on!
Look. Let's not have
this conversation.
But I took the class.
I watched the filmstrips with the blood
and the death and the corpses.
I'm prepped.
Honey.
you failed the written test.
They wouldn't even let you
take the road test.
That was a year ago.
and I don't test well...
she said. Two days
before the S.A.T.s.
I spend enough time
not knowing where you are.
I don't want to add to that
the possibility
that you're on
the highway to Chicago.
I can't believe you.
I'm not taking off again.
Besides. If I wanted to...
I could just get on a bus.
Stop. Don't.
I just don't want you driving. OK?
I want you here.
I'm here. Hmm? See me here.
Mm-hmm?
Mmm... I got to go.
What. You're going out?
Giles. Slay-study double feature.
Could be late.
Again? Honey.
don't you think Mr. Giles
is monopolizing
an awful lot of your time?
And does he ever say he's sorry?
Ow!
Sorry.
Why do I put up with this?
Because it is your destiny...
and because I just bought
20 "cocorific" candy bars.
OK. You're just doing this
to take funny pictures of me.
I'm doing it to test your awareness
of an opponent's location
during a fight in total darkness.
Now. Wait 5 seconds
and then throw the ball at me.
You ran out of new training ideas
about a week ago. Huh?
OK. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.
It's not that simple. Is it...
Ow. Ahem.
Yes. Well. Very good.
Thanks.
Where are you going?
We have to patrol.
I can't.
Mom's in hyperdrive.
She wants me home tonight.
I told you.
But... I...
I know. I know. She's out of control.
Enjoy the candy.
Buffy.
I didn't know you could do that.
I... I'm feeling better.
Angel!
Let's... get you inside.
It's late.
How'd you get away?
Aw. It was easy. Started a fire
in the prison laundry room.
Rode out in the garbage truck.
Oh.
I'm joking. No garbage.
Smell me.
How is... Scott?
Scott?
Oh. Um... boyfried Scott.
Uh... actually. He's not...
He's fine.
Uh. That's for you.
Uh... it's fresh from the butcher.
Thanks.
[Clears Throat]
You're being careful. Right?
With Scott?
The slaying.
Oh. Uh... yeah. Of course.
Full of carefulness.
I worry about you.
I worry about you:
I'm getting stronger.
Pretty soon.
you won't even need me.
That'll be better.
Yeah.
Hey. Uh. Sorry I'm late.
You know Giles...
all slay. All the time.
Hello. Buffy.
Do you guys want to watch
some television?
I hear there's
a very insightful Nightlie on.
Joyce:
Buffy. You lied to us...
and you made us into your alibis.
That's playing us against each other.
and that's not fair.
I called Willow.
You also lied to her about your
whereabouts. We were all concerned.
Oh. Thank you.
Look. I'm sorry. But I had to...
Were you at The Bronze?
What was happening there
that was so important?
Bronze things.
Things of bronze.
You're acting really
immature. Buffy.
I know I'm not your parent.
but I am responsible for you.
I think your mum's right.
OK. Fine.
I'm acting like a child.
Maybe that's because you're both
treating me like a child.
Buffy.
You're both scheduling me
24 hours a day.
Between the two of you.
that's 48 hours.
I just want to be able to make
a few decisions on my own.
The last time you made a decision
on your own. You split.
Yeah. And I took care of myself:
I don't need this much
active parenting.
You can't be trying to use this summer
as a reason you should be trusted.
You can't baby-sit me
all the time.
I need you to back off a little.
All right. Come on.
Let's not... freak out.
"Freak out"?
What? Uh. I think
you should go to bed.
We're all tired.
Oh. She just drives me crazy.
I just want to protect her.
Don't all parents want that?
Yeah. But at least
most parents have some idea
what to protect
their children from.
Yeah. And I think we should
both be especially careful.
Mmm.
[Machinery Whirring]
Trust me.
You don't want to eat that.
Dude. Think fast.
I heard that there was
this secret rule
that if a teacher's more than
10 minutes late. We can all leave.
It's Giles' turn to watch
study hall. He'll be here.
He's allergic to late.
He is wound a little tight.
I had this philosophy book checked out
from the library for. Like. A year...
and he made me pay the fine.
even though it was huge.
I was sad to return it.
It was perfect for starting
conversations with college boys.
- Of course. That was B.X.
- B.X.?
Before Xander. Clever.
I like chocolate.
There is no bad here.
You still have some left? I went to.
like. 4 houses. And they were gone.
It's like trick-or-treating
in reverse.
I know. These things
are selling like hotcakes...
which is ironic. 'cause
the hotcakes really aren't moving.
And it's. Uh. Fun
to sell chocolate.
And we're raising a lot
of money for the band.
The band. Yeah.
They're great.
They march.
Like an army.
Except with music
instead of bullets...
and... usually no one dies.
I can't believe this.
[Thunk]
Cordelia:
Where is Giles already?
I'm bored. And he's not here
to give me credit for it.
The big pinhead librarian
didn't show up...
and I don't want to do it.
You do it.
All right. Fine. I'll do it.
Everybody expects me
to do everything around here
because I'm the principal.
It's not fair.
[Claps Hands]
Teacher: Hey!
We're all stuck here. OK?
So now let's just
sit quietly and...
pretend we're reading something
until we're really sure that
old Commandant Snyder's gone.
Then we're all out of here.
Does anyone else want
to marry Ms. Barton?
Get in line.
I guess Giles isn't coming.
I guess not.
Buffy.
Uh... sorry.
I was just worried.
You were a big not-there
in study hall...
and after your lecture
to me on not ducking out...
And what is my mother
doing here?
We had an opportunity
for a...
you might say... summit meeting.
It took priority over study hall.
I called in.
Oh.
We decided that you made
a good point earlier.
I did. Yeah.
Which was...?
About us overscheduling you.
Pulling you in two directions...
Your home life and your duties
as a slayer.
Oh. That was a good point.
We're working out
a coordinated schedule for you.
It'll be tight.
but we think we can fit in
all your responsibilities.
Sounds nice and structured.
We've got more work
to do here. Honey.
Why don't you give us
a little more time?
Um...
take the car. And Mr. Giles
can drive me home.
What?
Excuse me. I meant what?!
Keys. Take them.
You don't have to tell me twice.
Actually. You did...
but... bye!
Bye. Honey. Drive careful.
Uh-huh!
Do you think she noticed anything?
No way.
Willow:
Tell me again how it happened.
Told my mom I wanted to be treated
more like a grown-up...
and voil?... driviness.
Also. I think she
wanted me otherwhere.
Considering my mom and Giles
are planning my future...
I think it's easier
for them to live my life
if I'm not actually there.
Do you know that you have
the parking brake on?
Uh-huh.
[Releases Parking Brake]
Are... Are you sure
about The Bronze?
I mean. The S.A.T. s
are tomorrow.
I can study at The Bronze.
A little dancing.
a little cross-multiplying.
You know what we need?
[Switching Radio Channels]
Eyes on the road!
Eyes on the road!
[Music Playing]
You got good albums.
Yeah. They're OK.
And the colors of the sea
Do you like Seals and Croft?
And you touch
the distant beaches
Yeah. Me. Neither.
Thanks.
So how come they call you Ripper?
Wouldn't you like to know.
Hmm. Wait a minute.
Listen to this bit.
[Guitar]
It rocks.
It's good.
I got to get a band together.
Hey. Ripper.
you want to watch TV?
I know how to order pay-per-view.
No. Let's go out and have some fun...
tear things up a bit.
OK. We could go to The Bronze.
Not bloody likely.
That place is dead.
[Loud Music And Conversation]
Hey. They're digging us. Man.
The strangest things
always know
Saves me every time
Darkened things
Have overgrown
Let's do the time warp again.
Maybe there's a reunion in town
or a BillyJoel tour or something.
Ms. Barton?
Buffy? Whoa!
Are you OK. Ms. Barton?
I'm cool. Willow.
Willow... that's a tree.
Huh. You're a tree.
Yeah. Uh...
are there any nachos
in here. Little tree?
Are you sure you don't need
some fresh air. Ms. Barton?
[Laughing Hysterically]
OK.
OK. This is not normal.
But maybe that goes without saying.
Hey. Gang!
This place is fun city. Huh?
Principal Snyder?
Call me Snyder.
Just a last name. Like... Barbarino.
Ooh! I am so stoked!
Ohh.
Hey. Did you see Ms. Barton?
I think she's wasted.
I'm gonna have to put that
in her next performance review
'cause... I'm the principal!
I don't like this.
They could have heart attacks.
Well... maybe there's a doctor here.
Whoo! Yeah!
I think that is my doctor.
He... He's usually less... topless.
I got a commendation for being
principal... from the mayor.
Shook my hand twice.
That's nice.
[Inhales Deeply]
Whoa! There are some
foxy ladies here tonight!
What's happening?
I don't know...
but it's happening to
a whole lot of grown-ups.
They're acting like a bunch...
They're acting like a bunch of us:
I don't act like this.
Mr. Trick:
Demand's high.
I thought it might be.
That's the reason
I love this country.
You make a good product...
and the people will come to you.
Of course. A lot of them
are gonna die...
but that's the other reason
I love this country.
Hey!
Don't sample the product.
But I didn't.
Unh!
OK. Uh. How did you know he was...
I don't. But now I know
no one else will.
We're getting close.
Keep it flowing.
It's almost feeding time.
Something's definitely
changing them.
A spell?
They're teenagers.
It's a sobering mirror
to look into. Huh?
You've got great hair.
[Group Of Men Singing Louie Louie]
Louie Louie
Oh. Baby
We gotta go
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Louie Louie
Oh. Baby
We gotta go
It just gets more upsetting.
Louie Louie
Oh. Baby
We gotta go
No vampire
has ever been that scary.
Louie Louie
Oh. Baby
Fight!
Fight!
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
We've got to figure out
what's going on.
This has hellmouth
fingerprints all over it.
Hey. Where are we going?
Wait up. You guys!
Hey! You guys aren't
trying to ditch me. Are you?
Oz: We should find Giles.
He'll know what's going on. Right?
Sure. Except for all we know.
he's sweet 16 again.
He's with your mom at his place.
I said wait up!
Oz: Snyder...
No time. He's coming with us.
[Tires Squeal]
Snyder: Whoa. Summers!
You drive like a spaz.
[Engines Revving]
[Tires Squeal]
It'll be OK
when we get to Giles'.
I mean. Even if he's 16.
he's still Giles. Right?
He's probably
a pretty together guy.
Yeah. W-Well...
What?
Giles at 16?
Less "together guy"...
more "bad magic. Hates the world.
ticking time bomb guy."
Then I guess your mom's
in a lot of trouble.
Must be exciting
being from England.
Not particularly.
[Kicks Can]
You cold?
Nah-uh.
I feel... special...
like I'm just waking up. Kinda.
Oh. Yeah?
Yeah. Like getting married
and having a kid and everything
was just a dream...
and now things are back
like they're supposed to be.
Yeah?
That's cool!
VeryJuice Newton.
You fancy it?
Yeah. But the store's closed.
[Giggling]
Woo-hoo!
Oh. Ripper!
Wow! That was so brave!
Hold it!
This is great!
Let's do doughnuts
in the football field. Huh?
Oh. My God. Iook out!
Ooh... copper's got a gun.
You'll never use it. Though. Man.
Will so.
Ripper. Be careful!
Aah!
Unh!
Ohh!
Aah!
Aah!
Told him he'd never use it.
You are so cool.
[Laughs]
You're like Burt Reynolds.
[Gasps]
Sorry. Gotta go.
[Laughing]
Oh. God.
Are you guys OK?
Is anybody else
all creeped out and trembly?
[Indistinct Conversation]
Oh. Buffy...
your mom's gonna kill you.
Something's weird.
Something's not?
No grown-ups.
Hey. Baby!
No one's protecting their houses.
Everyone's just... wandering.
Hey!
Hey. Give it!
Defenseless.
Come on! That's mine!
So where are all the vampires?
Hey! He stole my candy!
Soup's on. But no one's
grabbing a spoon.
Something's happening...
someplace that's else.
I'd say something big.
That guy took my candy!
The candy.
It's got to be the candy!
It's cursed.
A curse?!
I've got a curse.
Oh. My God...
using candy for evil.
My parents ate a ton.
Who's behind it?
I don't know.
It came through the school board.
If you knew that crowd...
Where did it come from?
Do you know where to get it?
Yeah.
You guys get Xander and Cordelia.
Go to the library and look it up.
Candy curses?
Disturbing second childhood.
Got it.
Ratboy and I are going
to the source.
[Yelling]
Mom?
Giles?!
Go away. We're busy.
Mom!
Hey!
Where did you get that coat?
Never mind. Listen...
Back off.
Giles. Think about this.
You want to fight me. Or you
want to let me talk to my mother?
Mom. Iook at me.
Do you know who I am?
Of course. You're Buffy.
Hey. Iook.
They're giving away candy.
You want some candy?
No. I don't. And you don't
need any more. Either.
I'm fine.
I can have more if I want.
You are not fine.
You need to go home.
Screw you.
I want candy.
Mom!
You want to slay stuff...
and I'm not allowed
to do anything about it.
This is what I want to do.
so get off my back!
Mom. Please...
Oh. For God's sake.
Just let your mum
have the soddin' candy.
Mom. Iook at your car.
Look at that dent
the size of New Brunswick.
I did that.
Oh. My God.
What was I thinking
when I bought the geek machine?
Listen to me. You need...
No. You listen to me. I'm your watcher.
so you do what I tell you.
Now. Sod off!
Take her home.
Joyce.
Yah!
Mom!
Hey!
Oy! You leave her alone!
Hey. Brit-face! Wait up!
Stay.
It smells so chocolatey.
This is far out.
Yeah. I been out there.
Town's wide open.
You guys can go anytime.
Buffy: Ethan Rayne.
Might want to hurry.
Ethan.
Ripper.
At first it was fun. You know?
They seemed like they were
in this really good mood...
Not like parents. And then...
Badness?
Mom started borrowing my clothes.
There should be an age limit
on Lycra pants.
And Dad. He just locked himself in
the bathroom with old copies of Esquire:
I don't get this.
The candy's supposed to make you
feel all immature and stuff...
but I've had a ton.
and I don't feel any dif...
Never mind.
I'll take that one.
Cordelia:
You want to swap?
What? Swap?
You want to swap?
This book is really thick...
and I'm not sure it's in English.
[Panting]
Where... Bloody hell!
That's what smoking will do to you.
Now be quiet.
Well... where'd the bastard go?
Shh!
What?
Look... a box full
of farm-fresh chicken.
Do you suppose they're OK?
Mm-hmm.
So...
are you two kinda...
like. Um...
going steady?
[Sighs]
So. Ethan.
what are we playing?
We're pretty much in a talk-or-bleed
situation. Your call.
Hit him.
I... I'd just like to point out
that this wasn't my idea.
Meaning...?
I'm subcontracting.
It's Trick you want.
I'm just helping him
collect a tribute...
for a demon.
He's lying. Hit him!
I don't think he is.
and shut up.
You're my slayer.
Go knock his teeth down his...
Giles!
What demon?
I don't remember.
Ooh!
Yes!
Lurconis.
Demon named Lurconis.
They wanted a way to get
the tribute away from people.
So you're just Diversion-Guy?
More than a diversion.
They said the tribute was big...
so big that people would
never let them take it.
People... had to be out-of-it.
And later on. When the candy wore off.
they'd blame themselves.
Hence. Land of the irresponsible.
So. Where's Trick?
I don't know exactly.
Hit him again. Go on.
No! I-I-I really don't know.
Delivering the tribute.
Which brings us to the bonus
question. And believe me
when I say a wrong answer
will cost you all your points.
What's the tribute?
[Television Playing.
Phones Ringing]
[Beeping]
[Babies Crying]
Right. Lurconis.
Lurconis... a demon.
What's his deal?
Buffy: See if it says anything
about a tribute.
A tribute? Like what?
I don't know.
My source is all tapped out.
She whupped you good. Huh?
Yah! Wah!
I can do that.
I took tae kwon do at the Y.
[Grunting]
Buffy: No. No.
It's definitely a demon.
A big one.
I wouldn't.
Giles. Give me the gun.
Giles...
ow:
Uh. It's Willow.
She wants you real bad.
Uh-huh?
OK. Oz just found it.
The tribute to Lurconis
is made every 30 years.
It's a ritual feeding.
And this one's late. So it's probably.
you know. A big meal.
Oh. And... oh.
Lurconis eats babies.
Come on.
What about that man?
See if you guys can find something
to tie him up with.
Um...
Never tell me.
Something's gonna eat those babies?
I think that is so wrong.
She says she never saw
who took them.
Dozy cow.
I know who took them.
Then let's do something.
Let's find the demon
and kick the crap out of it.
Is that what happens now?
Yeah. If we knew where they were.
"Lurconis dwells beneath the city.
filth to filth."
What?
Ooh... I know this.
Uh... I kew this.
"Lurconis" means...
"glutton."
And we'll find it...
in the sewers.
The sewers?
Uh. Good.
You go do that thing
with the demon...
and I'll stay here in case
the babies. You know. Uh...
find their way back.
The babies must be so scared.
You filthy little ponce.
Are you afraid of a little demon?
If you want to splash around
in the poo. You're the filthy one!
You know what?
Everybody just stop it.
OK. Listen to me.
I need help. OK?
Giles. I need grown-ups.
These children are gonna die
if we don't act now.
OK. And think clearly.
There is no room for mistakes.
Besides which... you guys
are just wigging me out.
Giles: Sorry.
We'll behave.
Buffy: Good.
Snyder. Go home.
I can do that.
We're going to the sewers.
And don't do that!
[Chanting In Latin]
[Babies Crying]
Come on. Big guy.
They're not getting any fresher.
[Baby Crying]
Carol. Hi. Yeah.
Call Dave on the Public Works
Committee tomorrow
about sewer maintenance and repair.
I have some concerns
regarding exposed gas pipes...
infrastructure. Ventilation.
And. Uh... cancel my 3:00.
Hi.
Aah!
Aah!
[Rumbling]
What the hell's that?
Lurconis. I'm thinking.
Ordinarily. I like other people
to do my fighting for me...
but I just gotta see what you got.
Just tell me when it hurts.
Come on. Baby.
Giles. No!
Aah!
[Rumbling]
[Gas Hisses]
You and me. Girl...
there's hard times ahead.
They never just leave.
Always got to say somethig:
Can we go home now?
Yeah. We can go home.
I've got the S.A.T. s tomorrow.
Oh. Blow them off.
I'll write you a note.
No... it's OK.
Poor babies. Come on.
And your friend?
Paid him.
The man did his job.
No reason to burn that bridge.
This didn't turn out
the way I had planned.
Where's the downside?
You just got yourself one less demon
you have to pay tribute to.
The way I see it.
I did you a favor.
I guess you did.
In the future...
I'd be very careful
how many favors you do for me.
[Bell Rings]
Hey. Snyder. Heard you had
some fun Friday night.
Have you come down yet?
That's Pricipal Snyder.
And that's a big "yep."
Snyder: You look like 4 young people
with too much time on your hands.
Not really.
Busy like a bee. Actually.
Bee-like.
Good. It seems we had
some vandalism Friday
on school property.
and I was just looking
for some... volunteers
to help clean it up.
"Kiss rocks"?
Why would anyone want to kiss...
Oh. Wait. I get it.
Let's get you some paint remover.
Buffy: It was just
too much to deal with.
It was like nothing
made sense anymore.
The things that I thought
I understood were gone.
I just felt... so alone.
Was that the math or the verbal?
Mostly the math.
Well. If you scored low.
then you can always take them again.
More S.A.T. s?
Is there really a point?
I could die before
I even apply to college.
Then you very possibly might not.
Well. Let's just keep hope alive.
Hello.
Hi.
I say. Your car seems to have
had an adventure. Doesn't it?
Uh. Buffy assures me that
it happened battling evil...
so I'm letting her pay for it
on the installment plan.
Uh. Hey...
the way things were going...
be glad that's the worst
that happened.
At least I got to the two of you
before you actually did something.
- Right.
- Indeed.
Y-Yes.
Grrr! Arrggh!
an era came to its inevitable end."
That's all there is.
Are you ready?
Hit me.
Which of the following best expresses
the theme of the passage?
"A": violence breeds violence...
"B": all things must end...
"C"...
"B." I'm going with "B."
We haven't had a "B" in forever.
This is the S.A.T.s. Buffy. Not
connect-the-dots. Please pay attention.
A low score could seriously harm
your chances of getting into college.
Gee. Thanks. That takes
the pressure right off.
This isn't meant to be easy. You know.
It's a rite of passage.
Is it too late to join a tribe
where they just pierce something
or cut something off?
Buffy. Please concentrate.
Roll!
What? Huh!
Unh!
Unh!
Hmm. I broke
my number two pencil.
We'll have to do this
again sometime.
"C": all systems tend
towards chaos.
I just know that us
and the undead
are the only people in Sunnydale
working this late.
Mayor:
I appreciate you coming.
I realize it is early...
for you...
but I think you'll agree
that this matter is urgent.
also... delicate.
I'm a very delicate person.
So you feel you can handle this?
It's a little out of my element...
but I can get you what you need.
I know a beast who knows a guy.
Are you sure that subcontracting
is the way to go here?
Well. This guy's worked
your town before...
and if he lives up to his rep.
this place will be in flames.
I've made certain deals
to get where I am today.
This demon requires his tribute.
See. That's what separates me
from other politicians. Mr. Trick.
I keep my campaign promises.
[Sniffs]
Where'd I put that scotch?
Buffy:
And then I was being chased
by an improperly filled-in answer
bubble screaming. "None of the above!"
Wow. I hope that wasn't one
of your prophecy dreams.
Probably not.
You know. I took it last year.
I could help you get ready.
There's this whole trick
to antonyms. But...
this isn't the place.
Oz is the highest-scoring person
ever to fail to graduate.
Isn't she cute when she's proud?
She's always cute.
We could work on it tonight.
Work on what tonight?
Oh. God. Are we
killing something again?
Only my carefree spirit.
Buffy S.A.T. prep.
Oz is helping.
He's the highest-scoring...
We know. We did
the impressed thing already.
I hate they make us
take that thing.
It's totally fascist.
and personally...
I think it discriminates
against the uninformed.
Actually.
I'm looking forward to it.
I do well on standardized tests.
What? I can't have layers?
So. Buff. Study tonight?
Yes on the studying. No on tonight.
I'm putting in Mom time.
She's been drastic ever since
I got back. And Giles is even worse.
I'm supervised 24-7.
It's like being in
the Real World house. Only real.
Hmm. Ooh. Candy bars...
lots of'em!
Principal Snyder. Thank you!
You weren't visited
by the ghost of Christmas past.
by any chance?
It's band candy.
Let's hear it for the band. Huh?
Very generous.
You will sell it to raise money
for the marching band.
They need new uniforms.
Yeah. Those tall. Fuzzy hats
ain't cheap. Huh?
But they go with everything.
I'm sure we love the idea
of going all Willy Loman...
but we're not in the band.
And if I'd handed you a trombone.
that would've been a problem. Summers.
It's candy.
Sell it.
Joyce:
But you're not in the band.
And yet.
Buffy. What would I do
with 40 chocolate bars?
You could hand them out
at the gallery.
"Buy something pre-Columbian.
get a free cavity."
20.
You're a good mom.
I'm the best.
No. I'm pretty sure the best moms
let their daughters drive.
And yet.
Oh. Come on!
Look. Let's not have
this conversation.
But I took the class.
I watched the filmstrips with the blood
and the death and the corpses.
I'm prepped.
Honey.
you failed the written test.
They wouldn't even let you
take the road test.
That was a year ago.
and I don't test well...
she said. Two days
before the S.A.T.s.
I spend enough time
not knowing where you are.
I don't want to add to that
the possibility
that you're on
the highway to Chicago.
I can't believe you.
I'm not taking off again.
Besides. If I wanted to...
I could just get on a bus.
Stop. Don't.
I just don't want you driving. OK?
I want you here.
I'm here. Hmm? See me here.
Mm-hmm?
Mmm... I got to go.
What. You're going out?
Giles. Slay-study double feature.
Could be late.
Again? Honey.
don't you think Mr. Giles
is monopolizing
an awful lot of your time?
And does he ever say he's sorry?
Ow!
Sorry.
Why do I put up with this?
Because it is your destiny...
and because I just bought
20 "cocorific" candy bars.
OK. You're just doing this
to take funny pictures of me.
I'm doing it to test your awareness
of an opponent's location
during a fight in total darkness.
Now. Wait 5 seconds
and then throw the ball at me.
You ran out of new training ideas
about a week ago. Huh?
OK. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.
It's not that simple. Is it...
Ow. Ahem.
Yes. Well. Very good.
Thanks.
Where are you going?
We have to patrol.
I can't.
Mom's in hyperdrive.
She wants me home tonight.
I told you.
But... I...
I know. I know. She's out of control.
Enjoy the candy.
Buffy.
I didn't know you could do that.
I... I'm feeling better.
Angel!
Let's... get you inside.
It's late.
How'd you get away?
Aw. It was easy. Started a fire
in the prison laundry room.
Rode out in the garbage truck.
Oh.
I'm joking. No garbage.
Smell me.
How is... Scott?
Scott?
Oh. Um... boyfried Scott.
Uh... actually. He's not...
He's fine.
Uh. That's for you.
Uh... it's fresh from the butcher.
Thanks.
[Clears Throat]
You're being careful. Right?
With Scott?
The slaying.
Oh. Uh... yeah. Of course.
Full of carefulness.
I worry about you.
I worry about you:
I'm getting stronger.
Pretty soon.
you won't even need me.
That'll be better.
Yeah.
Hey. Uh. Sorry I'm late.
You know Giles...
all slay. All the time.
Hello. Buffy.
Do you guys want to watch
some television?
I hear there's
a very insightful Nightlie on.
Joyce:
Buffy. You lied to us...
and you made us into your alibis.
That's playing us against each other.
and that's not fair.
I called Willow.
You also lied to her about your
whereabouts. We were all concerned.
Oh. Thank you.
Look. I'm sorry. But I had to...
Were you at The Bronze?
What was happening there
that was so important?
Bronze things.
Things of bronze.
You're acting really
immature. Buffy.
I know I'm not your parent.
but I am responsible for you.
I think your mum's right.
OK. Fine.
I'm acting like a child.
Maybe that's because you're both
treating me like a child.
Buffy.
You're both scheduling me
24 hours a day.
Between the two of you.
that's 48 hours.
I just want to be able to make
a few decisions on my own.
The last time you made a decision
on your own. You split.
Yeah. And I took care of myself:
I don't need this much
active parenting.
You can't be trying to use this summer
as a reason you should be trusted.
You can't baby-sit me
all the time.
I need you to back off a little.
All right. Come on.
Let's not... freak out.
"Freak out"?
What? Uh. I think
you should go to bed.
We're all tired.
Oh. She just drives me crazy.
I just want to protect her.
Don't all parents want that?
Yeah. But at least
most parents have some idea
what to protect
their children from.
Yeah. And I think we should
both be especially careful.
Mmm.
[Machinery Whirring]
Trust me.
You don't want to eat that.
Dude. Think fast.
I heard that there was
this secret rule
that if a teacher's more than
10 minutes late. We can all leave.
It's Giles' turn to watch
study hall. He'll be here.
He's allergic to late.
He is wound a little tight.
I had this philosophy book checked out
from the library for. Like. A year...
and he made me pay the fine.
even though it was huge.
I was sad to return it.
It was perfect for starting
conversations with college boys.
- Of course. That was B.X.
- B.X.?
Before Xander. Clever.
I like chocolate.
There is no bad here.
You still have some left? I went to.
like. 4 houses. And they were gone.
It's like trick-or-treating
in reverse.
I know. These things
are selling like hotcakes...
which is ironic. 'cause
the hotcakes really aren't moving.
And it's. Uh. Fun
to sell chocolate.
And we're raising a lot
of money for the band.
The band. Yeah.
They're great.
They march.
Like an army.
Except with music
instead of bullets...
and... usually no one dies.
I can't believe this.
[Thunk]
Cordelia:
Where is Giles already?
I'm bored. And he's not here
to give me credit for it.
The big pinhead librarian
didn't show up...
and I don't want to do it.
You do it.
All right. Fine. I'll do it.
Everybody expects me
to do everything around here
because I'm the principal.
It's not fair.
[Claps Hands]
Teacher: Hey!
We're all stuck here. OK?
So now let's just
sit quietly and...
pretend we're reading something
until we're really sure that
old Commandant Snyder's gone.
Then we're all out of here.
Does anyone else want
to marry Ms. Barton?
Get in line.
I guess Giles isn't coming.
I guess not.
Buffy.
Uh... sorry.
I was just worried.
You were a big not-there
in study hall...
and after your lecture
to me on not ducking out...
And what is my mother
doing here?
We had an opportunity
for a...
you might say... summit meeting.
It took priority over study hall.
I called in.
Oh.
We decided that you made
a good point earlier.
I did. Yeah.
Which was...?
About us overscheduling you.
Pulling you in two directions...
Your home life and your duties
as a slayer.
Oh. That was a good point.
We're working out
a coordinated schedule for you.
It'll be tight.
but we think we can fit in
all your responsibilities.
Sounds nice and structured.
We've got more work
to do here. Honey.
Why don't you give us
a little more time?
Um...
take the car. And Mr. Giles
can drive me home.
What?
Excuse me. I meant what?!
Keys. Take them.
You don't have to tell me twice.
Actually. You did...
but... bye!
Bye. Honey. Drive careful.
Uh-huh!
Do you think she noticed anything?
No way.
Willow:
Tell me again how it happened.
Told my mom I wanted to be treated
more like a grown-up...
and voil?... driviness.
Also. I think she
wanted me otherwhere.
Considering my mom and Giles
are planning my future...
I think it's easier
for them to live my life
if I'm not actually there.
Do you know that you have
the parking brake on?
Uh-huh.
[Releases Parking Brake]
Are... Are you sure
about The Bronze?
I mean. The S.A.T. s
are tomorrow.
I can study at The Bronze.
A little dancing.
a little cross-multiplying.
You know what we need?
[Switching Radio Channels]
Eyes on the road!
Eyes on the road!
[Music Playing]
You got good albums.
Yeah. They're OK.
And the colors of the sea
Do you like Seals and Croft?
And you touch
the distant beaches
Yeah. Me. Neither.
Thanks.
So how come they call you Ripper?
Wouldn't you like to know.
Hmm. Wait a minute.
Listen to this bit.
[Guitar]
It rocks.
It's good.
I got to get a band together.
Hey. Ripper.
you want to watch TV?
I know how to order pay-per-view.
No. Let's go out and have some fun...
tear things up a bit.
OK. We could go to The Bronze.
Not bloody likely.
That place is dead.
[Loud Music And Conversation]
Hey. They're digging us. Man.
The strangest things
always know
Saves me every time
Darkened things
Have overgrown
Let's do the time warp again.
Maybe there's a reunion in town
or a BillyJoel tour or something.
Ms. Barton?
Buffy? Whoa!
Are you OK. Ms. Barton?
I'm cool. Willow.
Willow... that's a tree.
Huh. You're a tree.
Yeah. Uh...
are there any nachos
in here. Little tree?
Are you sure you don't need
some fresh air. Ms. Barton?
[Laughing Hysterically]
OK.
OK. This is not normal.
But maybe that goes without saying.
Hey. Gang!
This place is fun city. Huh?
Principal Snyder?
Call me Snyder.
Just a last name. Like... Barbarino.
Ooh! I am so stoked!
Ohh.
Hey. Did you see Ms. Barton?
I think she's wasted.
I'm gonna have to put that
in her next performance review
'cause... I'm the principal!
I don't like this.
They could have heart attacks.
Well... maybe there's a doctor here.
Whoo! Yeah!
I think that is my doctor.
He... He's usually less... topless.
I got a commendation for being
principal... from the mayor.
Shook my hand twice.
That's nice.
[Inhales Deeply]
Whoa! There are some
foxy ladies here tonight!
What's happening?
I don't know...
but it's happening to
a whole lot of grown-ups.
They're acting like a bunch...
They're acting like a bunch of us:
I don't act like this.
Mr. Trick:
Demand's high.
I thought it might be.
That's the reason
I love this country.
You make a good product...
and the people will come to you.
Of course. A lot of them
are gonna die...
but that's the other reason
I love this country.
Hey!
Don't sample the product.
But I didn't.
Unh!
OK. Uh. How did you know he was...
I don't. But now I know
no one else will.
We're getting close.
Keep it flowing.
It's almost feeding time.
Something's definitely
changing them.
A spell?
They're teenagers.
It's a sobering mirror
to look into. Huh?
You've got great hair.
[Group Of Men Singing Louie Louie]
Louie Louie
Oh. Baby
We gotta go
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Louie Louie
Oh. Baby
We gotta go
It just gets more upsetting.
Louie Louie
Oh. Baby
We gotta go
No vampire
has ever been that scary.
Louie Louie
Oh. Baby
Fight!
Fight!
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
We've got to figure out
what's going on.
This has hellmouth
fingerprints all over it.
Hey. Where are we going?
Wait up. You guys!
Hey! You guys aren't
trying to ditch me. Are you?
Oz: We should find Giles.
He'll know what's going on. Right?
Sure. Except for all we know.
he's sweet 16 again.
He's with your mom at his place.
I said wait up!
Oz: Snyder...
No time. He's coming with us.
[Tires Squeal]
Snyder: Whoa. Summers!
You drive like a spaz.
[Engines Revving]
[Tires Squeal]
It'll be OK
when we get to Giles'.
I mean. Even if he's 16.
he's still Giles. Right?
He's probably
a pretty together guy.
Yeah. W-Well...
What?
Giles at 16?
Less "together guy"...
more "bad magic. Hates the world.
ticking time bomb guy."
Then I guess your mom's
in a lot of trouble.
Must be exciting
being from England.
Not particularly.
[Kicks Can]
You cold?
Nah-uh.
I feel... special...
like I'm just waking up. Kinda.
Oh. Yeah?
Yeah. Like getting married
and having a kid and everything
was just a dream...
and now things are back
like they're supposed to be.
Yeah?
That's cool!
VeryJuice Newton.
You fancy it?
Yeah. But the store's closed.
[Giggling]
Woo-hoo!
Oh. Ripper!
Wow! That was so brave!
Hold it!
This is great!
Let's do doughnuts
in the football field. Huh?
Oh. My God. Iook out!
Ooh... copper's got a gun.
You'll never use it. Though. Man.
Will so.
Ripper. Be careful!
Aah!
Unh!
Ohh!
Aah!
Aah!
Told him he'd never use it.
You are so cool.
[Laughs]
You're like Burt Reynolds.
[Gasps]
Sorry. Gotta go.
[Laughing]
Oh. God.
Are you guys OK?
Is anybody else
all creeped out and trembly?
[Indistinct Conversation]
Oh. Buffy...
your mom's gonna kill you.
Something's weird.
Something's not?
No grown-ups.
Hey. Baby!
No one's protecting their houses.
Everyone's just... wandering.
Hey!
Hey. Give it!
Defenseless.
Come on! That's mine!
So where are all the vampires?
Hey! He stole my candy!
Soup's on. But no one's
grabbing a spoon.
Something's happening...
someplace that's else.
I'd say something big.
That guy took my candy!
The candy.
It's got to be the candy!
It's cursed.
A curse?!
I've got a curse.
Oh. My God...
using candy for evil.
My parents ate a ton.
Who's behind it?
I don't know.
It came through the school board.
If you knew that crowd...
Where did it come from?
Do you know where to get it?
Yeah.
You guys get Xander and Cordelia.
Go to the library and look it up.
Candy curses?
Disturbing second childhood.
Got it.
Ratboy and I are going
to the source.
[Yelling]
Mom?
Giles?!
Go away. We're busy.
Mom!
Hey!
Where did you get that coat?
Never mind. Listen...
Back off.
Giles. Think about this.
You want to fight me. Or you
want to let me talk to my mother?
Mom. Iook at me.
Do you know who I am?
Of course. You're Buffy.
Hey. Iook.
They're giving away candy.
You want some candy?
No. I don't. And you don't
need any more. Either.
I'm fine.
I can have more if I want.
You are not fine.
You need to go home.
Screw you.
I want candy.
Mom!
You want to slay stuff...
and I'm not allowed
to do anything about it.
This is what I want to do.
so get off my back!
Mom. Please...
Oh. For God's sake.
Just let your mum
have the soddin' candy.
Mom. Iook at your car.
Look at that dent
the size of New Brunswick.
I did that.
Oh. My God.
What was I thinking
when I bought the geek machine?
Listen to me. You need...
No. You listen to me. I'm your watcher.
so you do what I tell you.
Now. Sod off!
Take her home.
Joyce.
Yah!
Mom!
Hey!
Oy! You leave her alone!
Hey. Brit-face! Wait up!
Stay.
It smells so chocolatey.
This is far out.
Yeah. I been out there.
Town's wide open.
You guys can go anytime.
Buffy: Ethan Rayne.
Might want to hurry.
Ethan.
Ripper.
At first it was fun. You know?
They seemed like they were
in this really good mood...
Not like parents. And then...
Badness?
Mom started borrowing my clothes.
There should be an age limit
on Lycra pants.
And Dad. He just locked himself in
the bathroom with old copies of Esquire:
I don't get this.
The candy's supposed to make you
feel all immature and stuff...
but I've had a ton.
and I don't feel any dif...
Never mind.
I'll take that one.
Cordelia:
You want to swap?
What? Swap?
You want to swap?
This book is really thick...
and I'm not sure it's in English.
[Panting]
Where... Bloody hell!
That's what smoking will do to you.
Now be quiet.
Well... where'd the bastard go?
Shh!
What?
Look... a box full
of farm-fresh chicken.
Do you suppose they're OK?
Mm-hmm.
So...
are you two kinda...
like. Um...
going steady?
[Sighs]
So. Ethan.
what are we playing?
We're pretty much in a talk-or-bleed
situation. Your call.
Hit him.
I... I'd just like to point out
that this wasn't my idea.
Meaning...?
I'm subcontracting.
It's Trick you want.
I'm just helping him
collect a tribute...
for a demon.
He's lying. Hit him!
I don't think he is.
and shut up.
You're my slayer.
Go knock his teeth down his...
Giles!
What demon?
I don't remember.
Ooh!
Yes!
Lurconis.
Demon named Lurconis.
They wanted a way to get
the tribute away from people.
So you're just Diversion-Guy?
More than a diversion.
They said the tribute was big...
so big that people would
never let them take it.
People... had to be out-of-it.
And later on. When the candy wore off.
they'd blame themselves.
Hence. Land of the irresponsible.
So. Where's Trick?
I don't know exactly.
Hit him again. Go on.
No! I-I-I really don't know.
Delivering the tribute.
Which brings us to the bonus
question. And believe me
when I say a wrong answer
will cost you all your points.
What's the tribute?
[Television Playing.
Phones Ringing]
[Beeping]
[Babies Crying]
Right. Lurconis.
Lurconis... a demon.
What's his deal?
Buffy: See if it says anything
about a tribute.
A tribute? Like what?
I don't know.
My source is all tapped out.
She whupped you good. Huh?
Yah! Wah!
I can do that.
I took tae kwon do at the Y.
[Grunting]
Buffy: No. No.
It's definitely a demon.
A big one.
I wouldn't.
Giles. Give me the gun.
Giles...
ow:
Uh. It's Willow.
She wants you real bad.
Uh-huh?
OK. Oz just found it.
The tribute to Lurconis
is made every 30 years.
It's a ritual feeding.
And this one's late. So it's probably.
you know. A big meal.
Oh. And... oh.
Lurconis eats babies.
Come on.
What about that man?
See if you guys can find something
to tie him up with.
Um...
Never tell me.
Something's gonna eat those babies?
I think that is so wrong.
She says she never saw
who took them.
Dozy cow.
I know who took them.
Then let's do something.
Let's find the demon
and kick the crap out of it.
Is that what happens now?
Yeah. If we knew where they were.
"Lurconis dwells beneath the city.
filth to filth."
What?
Ooh... I know this.
Uh... I kew this.
"Lurconis" means...
"glutton."
And we'll find it...
in the sewers.
The sewers?
Uh. Good.
You go do that thing
with the demon...
and I'll stay here in case
the babies. You know. Uh...
find their way back.
The babies must be so scared.
You filthy little ponce.
Are you afraid of a little demon?
If you want to splash around
in the poo. You're the filthy one!
You know what?
Everybody just stop it.
OK. Listen to me.
I need help. OK?
Giles. I need grown-ups.
These children are gonna die
if we don't act now.
OK. And think clearly.
There is no room for mistakes.
Besides which... you guys
are just wigging me out.
Giles: Sorry.
We'll behave.
Buffy: Good.
Snyder. Go home.
I can do that.
We're going to the sewers.
And don't do that!
[Chanting In Latin]
[Babies Crying]
Come on. Big guy.
They're not getting any fresher.
[Baby Crying]
Carol. Hi. Yeah.
Call Dave on the Public Works
Committee tomorrow
about sewer maintenance and repair.
I have some concerns
regarding exposed gas pipes...
infrastructure. Ventilation.
And. Uh... cancel my 3:00.
Hi.
Aah!
Aah!
[Rumbling]
What the hell's that?
Lurconis. I'm thinking.
Ordinarily. I like other people
to do my fighting for me...
but I just gotta see what you got.
Just tell me when it hurts.
Come on. Baby.
Giles. No!
Aah!
[Rumbling]
[Gas Hisses]
You and me. Girl...
there's hard times ahead.
They never just leave.
Always got to say somethig:
Can we go home now?
Yeah. We can go home.
I've got the S.A.T. s tomorrow.
Oh. Blow them off.
I'll write you a note.
No... it's OK.
Poor babies. Come on.
And your friend?
Paid him.
The man did his job.
No reason to burn that bridge.
This didn't turn out
the way I had planned.
Where's the downside?
You just got yourself one less demon
you have to pay tribute to.
The way I see it.
I did you a favor.
I guess you did.
In the future...
I'd be very careful
how many favors you do for me.
[Bell Rings]
Hey. Snyder. Heard you had
some fun Friday night.
Have you come down yet?
That's Pricipal Snyder.
And that's a big "yep."
Snyder: You look like 4 young people
with too much time on your hands.
Not really.
Busy like a bee. Actually.
Bee-like.
Good. It seems we had
some vandalism Friday
on school property.
and I was just looking
for some... volunteers
to help clean it up.
"Kiss rocks"?
Why would anyone want to kiss...
Oh. Wait. I get it.
Let's get you some paint remover.
Buffy: It was just
too much to deal with.
It was like nothing
made sense anymore.
The things that I thought
I understood were gone.
I just felt... so alone.
Was that the math or the verbal?
Mostly the math.
Well. If you scored low.
then you can always take them again.
More S.A.T. s?
Is there really a point?
I could die before
I even apply to college.
Then you very possibly might not.
Well. Let's just keep hope alive.
Hello.
Hi.
I say. Your car seems to have
had an adventure. Doesn't it?
Uh. Buffy assures me that
it happened battling evil...
so I'm letting her pay for it
on the installment plan.
Uh. Hey...
the way things were going...
be glad that's the worst
that happened.
At least I got to the two of you
before you actually did something.
- Right.
- Indeed.
Y-Yes.
Grrr! Arrggh!