Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1996–2003): Season 3, Episode 5 - Homecoming - full transcript

I think we should get a limo.

A limo?
A big, expensive limo?

That sounds like fun.

And it is our last
homecoming dance,

so maybe we should make
a big deal of it.

You want to talk fun?
Public bus.

You meet the funnest people.
Back me up here, oz.

If it's a dollar issue,
we could all take my Van.

Van? The homecoming queen doesn't
go to the dance in a Van.

Use your head.

Technically, you haven't
been elected yet...



Although you certainly and
without a doubt will be.

Who else likes a limo?

A private limo!

It is pretty... cuddlesome.

And if we all
split the cost...

Um... maybe.

You know,
if I go and all.

Why wouldn't you go? You
already have your tickets.

Unless you don't
have a da-ay or two...

To think about it.

We should all
think about it.

What's going on here? Did Scott not
ask her to the homecoming dance yet?

Thanks, Cordelia. Humiliation's
really good for my color.

Oh, um... well, no.
I just...



Assumed that you would think
it was corny or something,

but I'm in... i mean, if
you are, if you want to.

Uh, sure... I do.
You know, if you want to.

I do if you want to.

The judges will
accept that as a yes.

Do you want me to get
you another drink?

Um... no, actually.

Uh... I'm a little tired.

I think I'm gonna
call it a night.

But I'm excited
about the dance.

Me too.

It's just me.

Here.

How are you feeling?

It hurts...

Less.

Good.

I haven't told Giles
and the others...

That you're back.

Giles...

And I'm not
going to.

They wouldn't understand
that you're... better.

And I'm gonna keep
helping you get better.

It's just that everything's
different now.

I'm a senior.

I'm really working
harder in school.

I'm even thinking
about college.

And I'm involved
with someone.

His name is Scott.

He's a nice,
solid guy.

He makes me happy...

And that's
what I need...

Someone
I can count on.

I don't think we should
see each other anymore.

You don't?

When did this happen?
Where was I?

Buffy, it's just...

Before we were going out,
you-you seemed so...

Full of life,
like a force of nature.

Now you just seem distracted
all the time, and...

I'm getting better.
Honest.

In fact, from here on,

you are gonna see a drastic
distraction reduction.

"Drastic
distraction reduction."

Try saying that
10 times fast.

I'm really sorry.

Is that her?

In the nubile flesh,
my friend.

That's the target.

The mayor will see you now.

I'm sorry to
bother you, sir.

I'm not bothered, Allan.

Well, I'm not sure
how serious this is,

but they were spotted
in town three days ago.

I've just been informed.

Frederick and
Hans Gruenstahler...

Wanted in Germany
for capital murder,

terrorism, the bombing
of flight 1402...

I should have brought it
to your attention sooner,

but I'd-I'd wanted
to confirm...

Would you show me
your hands, please?

Sir?

Your hands.

I think they could
be cleaner.

Of course, sir. I mean,
I washed them, but...

After every meal
and under your fingernails.

Dirt gets trapped there
and germs and mayonnaise.

My dear mother said,

"cleanliness is next to
godliness," and I believed her.

She never caught a cold.

I'd like these two to be
put under surveillance,

and I'd like to know if any other
colorful characters have come to town.

I'll take care of it.

You have all my faith.

You have to help me
pick an outfit.

I want to wear something
that makes oz go, "oh."

No problem.
I got the tux goin' on.

I'm gonna look hot
if it even remotely fits.

Whatcha doin'?

Checking out the... i laughingly
use the phrase... competition.

Holly Charleston...
Nice girl, brain dead,

doesn't have a prayer.

Michelle Blake...
Open to all mankind,

especially those with a
letterman's jacket and a car.

She could give me a run.

Where's Buffy? She's gonna
miss the yearbook pictures.

Buffy and faith are in the
library getting all sweaty.

They're training.

I stand by my phrase.

I don't think she was here
the day they announced them.

Did anybody tell her?

I'll tell her now.
I have to go

to the nurse's office
for an ice pack anyway.

Did you hurt
yourself?

No, silly.

It shrinks the pores.

Man! Guys should break
up with you more often.

Gee. Thank you.

I mean it. You really got
some quality rage going.

Really gives you
an edge.

Edge-girl.

Just what I always
wanted to be.

Well, screw him,
all right?

You move on, and... You party
heavily, and you'll be fine.

You're still going
to that dance, right?

Maybe.

You got the tix already.
Why don't we go together?

I don't know about that.

Come on. We'll find a couple
studs, we'll use them and...

Discard them.

That's always fun.

OK, I'm in.

Not the stud-using part,
though.

Or... probably not.

Uh, Bobby, Mashad.

You don't phone,
you don't write.

Where's the love?

Miss Moran? Hi.

I'm so glad that
I ran into you.

I had this little incident
last year...

Of getting kicked
out of school,

and I'm back now,
though.

I've done all of
my makeup tests,

but I still need one written
recommendation from a teacher...

I think the word that principal
Snyder used was "glowing..."

to put in my file so I can
prove that I belong here.

And you are...

Buffy.

B-Buffy summers.
Third row.

I sat by the window.

Your class...
Contemporary American heroes...

From Amelia Earhart
to Maya Angelou.

The class
that changed my life.

Were you absent
a lot, um...

Buffy.

Hi. I hope you'll consider me
for homecoming queen.

I can't believe it.

My favorite teacher, and she
didn't even remember who I was.

I'm like a nonperson.

Am I invisible?
Can you see me?

Big as life.

At hemery, I was prom
Princess, I was fiesta queen,

I was on
the cheerleading squad.

The yearbook was, like,
a story of me.

Now it's senior year, and I'm
going to be one crappy picture...

On 1/8 of
one crappy page.

Uh, no, actually,
you're not.

What do you mean?

Well, you missed
the picture-taking.

When? Why?

We did them yesterday.

Didn't Cordelia tell you?

Thanks for your support.

Buffy, you look so cute
in that outfit.

I'm not voting for you.

Then make it snappy.

How come you didn't tell me they
were doing the yearbook pictures?

Didn't I? Oh, I guess I forgot.
What's the big?

It's just... You could've
thought about somebody else...

For 30 seconds,
that's all.

Hey, I am under
a lot of pressure here.

Oh, yeah, campaigning.
Rough gig.

What would
you know about it?

Just because you were guacamole
queen when you were three...

Doesn't mean you
understand how this works.

Obviously, it involves handing
out entirely lame flyers.

No. It involves being
part of this school...

And having
actual friends.

Now, if it was about monsters,
blood, and innards,

then you'd be
a shoo-in.

I'd like to see you
try to win the crown.

You would?

Then you will.

What does that mean?

I'm gonna show you
how it's done.

I'm gonna run for homecoming
queen, and I'm going to win.

This is starting
to be sad.

Sorry, cordy, but you have no
idea who you're messing with.

What? The slayer?

I'm not talking
about the slayer.

I'm talking about Buffy.

You've awakened
the prom queen within,

and that crown
is going to be mine.

Competition.

Competition is
a beautiful thing.

It makes us strive.

It... makes us accomplish.

Occasionally,
it makes us kill.

We all have
the desire to win,

whether we're human...

Vampire...

And whatever the hell
you are, my brother.

You got them spiny-looking
head things.

I ain't never
seen them before.

I am Kulak
of the Miquot clan.

Isn't that nice.

Point is, you're all here
for the same reason.

It sure ain't no philosophy
class now, is it?

Mr. gorch,
my account statement says...

That your deposit
has not yet been made.

Me and candy...

We blown our whole
honeymoon stash...

On this little game
here.

They're dirty.

They're nonconsecutive.

The games will begin
in a few days' time.

The first target... Buffy...
You've all seen.

The second... faith...
Is a little more elusive.

But they will both be together
and ready for the killing,

and that is
a money-back guarantee.

Ladies, gentlemen,

spiny-headed
looking creatures...

Welcome
to Slayerfest '98.

What do you think
of this?

Nice.

It's my first big dance,
you know?

Where there's a boy
and a band...

And not just me
alone in my room...

Pretending that there's
a boy and a band.

I just want it to be...
Special.

That's why I spared no
expense on the tux.

The tux? I thought you borrowed
it from your cousin Rigby.

Expense to my pride,
wil.

They're our only relations with
money, and they shun us...

As they should.

What do you think
about this?

Nice.

What?

I was just...

Remember the
eighth-grade cotillion?

You had that clip-on.

I was pretty stylin'
with the clip-on.

And now here we are,
and it's homecoming.

We should face it,
wil.

You and I are gonna be in
neighboring rest homes...

While I come over so
you can adjust my...

My, uh...

Well, I can't think of anything
that's not really gross.

So, uh... you and oz.

How do I put this?

Are we on first,
second, or, uh...

"Ye gods?"

That's none of your
business, Alexander Harris.

Ohh...
Rounding second.

You don't know that.

What about you
and Cordelia?

Oh, a gentleman never talks
about his conquests.

Oh, yeah? Well, since
when did you become a...

Gentleman?

I... I know. "Nice."

I was gonna go
with "gorgeous."

Really?

You too.

In... in a guy way.

Oz is very lucky.

So is Cordelia...
In a girl way.

I don't know
if I can dance in this.

I don't know
if I can dance.

Come on.
Piece of cake.

Here.

Well,
that seems to...

Yeah. This shouldn't
be a problem.

No.

No problem.

That didn't
just happen!

No! I mean, it did,
but it didn't.

Because I respect you... and
oz... and I would never...

I would never, either. It must
be the clothes. It's a fluke.

It's a clothes fluke, that's what it is.
There'll be no more fluking.

Not ever.

We got to get out
of these clothes.

Right now.

Oh, I didn't mean...

I didn't... me, either!

A campaign is like a war.

It's won or lost
in the trenches.

Holly, Michelle,

and our real
competition, Cordelia,

all have
big head starts.

Speaking of big heads,

if I had a watermelon as big
as Cordelia's, I'd be rich.

Waits for laugh...

OK, you're right. Making
fun of the competition...

Only makes me
seem petty.

Now, this is just like any
other popularity contest.

I've done this before.
The only difference being...

This time, I'm not
actually popular.

Although, I'm not
exactly unpopular.

A lot of people came to
my welcome home party.

But they were killed
by zombies.

Good point.

OK, here's the plan.

Willow, I need you
to make a database.

See who's for us,

who's on the fence, and where
our real crisis areas are.

Oz, you take the
fringe... musicians,

those not normally
inclined to vote.

Xander, what...

Uh, Cordelia.
OK, look.

I know this is
a little awkward,

but I don't see any reason why
we all can't get along...

During
this campaign time.

I mean, we're...

Almost friends,

and we are all riding
together in the limo.

Yeah, great. Willow, how's
that database coming?

Uh, it's...
Just about done.

Xander?

I got your new flyers.

Let's get cracking.

She's my girlfriend.

It's just that... She needs
it so much more than you do.

As Willow goes,
so goes my nation.

Thanks for what
you said, Buffy.

I think we're getting along great.
Don't you?

Seems like a lot of fuss
for one little title.

Well, you know, it's no fun
if you don't try your best.

As long as fun
is still in the mix.

Sure.

It's not like anyone
takes it that seriously.

♪ Well, I don't
wanna be president ♪

♪ Superman or Clark Kent ♪

♪ I don't wanna walk 'round
in their shoes ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't know
whose side I'm on ♪

♪ I don't know
my right from wrong ♪

♪ I don't know
where I'm going to ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ About you ♪

♪ I'll be the rain ♪

♪ Falling on
your fire escape ♪

Sorry.
Here.

♪ I may not be the man
you want me to ♪

I heard you were
doing this.

Uh... yeah. It's just
something to pass the time.

It's silly, really.

I don't think so.

And for what it's worth,
you have my vote.

I don't want you
to feel...

Thank you.

♪ I don't wanna
make you mad ♪

♪ I don't wanna
meet your dad ♪

♪ I don't wanna be
your dream-come-true ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't know
just what I've found ♪

♪ I don't know my sky
from ground ♪

♪ I don't know
where I'm going to ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ About you ♪♪

Hey.

Hi. How are you? You good?
You look good.

Anything new? Hey, did I
mention you look good?

Willow, it's OK that
you're helping Cordelia.

We're best friends. I'm not
gonna hold it against you.

No, I'm not a friend. I'm a
rabid dog who should be shot.

But there are forces at work here...
dark, incomprehensible forces.

And I'm sure
they're more important...

Than all we've been
through together,

or... the number of times
that I've saved your life.

What do you want?

Fifteen minutes alone on your
computer with Cordelia's database.

OK.

Good. Ooh!

I spoke to the limo people,
and we're all set.

They'll pick up faith, then me,
then swing by and get you guys.

Now, what's your database
tell you about my weaknesses?

You know, Jonathan,

I've always felt a special
bond between you and me.

Cordelia gave me
six bucks.

That buys a whole lot
of cupcakes.

Are you kidding?

I've been doing the Vulcan
death grip since I was four.

So you really are
giving out money, huh?

Is that any more tacky...

Than your faux "I'm shy but
deep" campaign posters?

Yes.

This whole trying to be like
me really isn't funny anymore.

I was never trying to be like
you, and when was it funny?

I don't see why your pathetic need
to recapture your glory days...

Gives you the right
to splinter my vote.

How can you think it's OK to
talk to people like this?

Do you have parents?

Yeah. Two of them...
Unlike some people.

Your brain isn't even connected
to your mouth, is it?

Why don't you do us both a
favor and stay out of my way?

Don't... ever...
Do that again.

You're sick,
you know that?

Let's not say something
we'll regret later.

You crazy freak!
Vapid whore.

Like that.

What did you call me?

This is just the worst thing
that's ever happened.

Ever!

I know. I know.

It's just...

When I look
at you now,

it's like I'm seeing you
for the first time.

I'm talking about
Buffy and Cordelia.

Me too.

What are we gonna do?
We have to do something.

This is all our fault.

How do you get from chick
fight to our fault?

Because we felt so guilty
about the fluke,

we overcompensated
helping Cordelia,

and we spun the whole
group dynamic out of orbit,

and we're just a big meteor
shower heading for earth...

OK, calm down.

Let's just put our heads
together and think of something.

OK, one of us here
is pretty darn smart,

and I am...

Just in hell.

I mean, I thought
being a senior at last...

And having a girlfriend at
last would be a good thing.

Why wouldn't that be
a good thing?

What?

Sometimes when you're
falling to pieces,

your mouth... it just does
the sweetest thing.

What are we gonna do?

We just have to get the two
of them communicating.

I'm talking about us.

What's going on here?

Where's faith?

"Dear Cordelia
and Buffy,

"we won't be riding
to the dance with you.

"We want you to work out
your problems...

"Because our friendships
are more important...

"Than who wins
homecoming queen.

"Your friends.

P.S. The limo was not cheap.
Work it out."

Well...

They bought us corsages?

I took the orchid.

OK.

I don't see
what the big deal is.

I'm not making
a big deal.

You wanted the orchid,
you got the orchid.

It goes with
my complexion better.

It does have
that sallow tint.

Finally we're here.

What is this?

OK, guys, we've had enough
of your stupid little games!

What's massively wrong
with this picture?

Hello, ladies.

Welcome to Slayerfest '98.

What is a Slayerfest,
you ask?

Well, as in most of life,

there's the hunters
and the hunted.

Can you guess
where you two fall?

From the beginning of this tape,
you have exactly 30 seconds...

No, that's 17 now...

To run for your lives.

Faith...

Buffy...

Have a nice death.

Hello! How stupid
are you people?

She's a slayer.
I'm a homecoming queen.

♪ She flies
from a blinding light ♪

♪ And spirals
to my heart ♪

♪ I try to find... ♪♪

What are you two
so mopey about?

We're not mopey.
We're groovin'.

On oz's band.

He's a great guy, oz.

He wrote this song for me.

Sleazebag!

We have to find Buffy.
Something terrible's happened.

Just kidding.
Thought I'd give you a scare.

Are those
finger sandwiches?

I have an idea.

We talk
to these people,

we explain that I'm not a
slayer and they let me go.

Look out!

Get down!

That's gotta smart.

Now, I can let you out of that, or
I can put a bullet in your head.

How many are there in this little
game, and what are they packing?

There's me,

two Germans with Ar-15s
and grenade launcher...

Yellow-skinned demon
with long knives...

Vampire couple from
Texas named gorch.

That everybody?

Everybody
who's out here.

Germans are wired.

Their boss is tracking
them on computer.

Now get me
out of this!

Could I ask an eensy favor? Could you
just tell your friends that I'm not...

Scott?
There you are, honey.

Hey, good news.

The doctor says that the
itching and the swelling...

And the burning
should clear up,

but we got to keep
using the ointment.

Hi.

Uh...

I suspect the finger
food contains...

Actual fingers.

I think I'll retreat to the
library until the coronation.

I want to be here
when Buffy...

Well, however the thing
turns out for her.

And that was a very
fine thing you two did,

putting Buffy and
Cordelia together.

We did one fine thing.

Yeah. They've been gone
for a while.

They must really be
getting into it.

We should be safe
in here for a while.

You need to find
a weapon.

Safe? I'm not safe.
I'm gonna die.

Yeah, you are
if you just stand there.

I'm never gonna be crowned
homecoming queen.

I'm never gonna graduate
from high school.

I'm never gonna know if it's
real between me and Xander,

or if it's just...
Some temporary insanity...

That made me think...
I loved him.

And now I'm never gonna
get the chance to tell him.

Yes, you are.

We are gonna
get out of here,

and we are gonna head
back to the library,

where Giles and the rest
of the weapons live.

Then I'm gonna take out
the rest of these guys...

Just in time for you
to congratulate me...

On my sweeping victory
as homecoming queen.

I know what you're up to.

You think if you get me mad
enough, I won't be so scared.

And, hey...

It's working!

Where's a damn weapon?

You really love
Xander?

Well, he kind of
grows on you, like...

A chia pet.

That's it?

Just this
and a telephone.

A telephone.

And you didn't think
that'd be helpful?

No, this is better for...

Oh.

You're about to see why Daniel
Boone and that idiot demon...

Are creatures
of the past...

And why
I am the future.

I'm picking up
a signal.

They've got a phone!

If you get this message, Giles,
get help and get out here...

Hello?

What happened?

It went dead.

Want me to cut
that leg off?

No, thanks.

Continue proceeding
south 90 meters...

To vector three.

Buffy, on answering machine:
Giles, it's me... and Cordelia.

We're in a cabin in Miller's
woods, and we're in big trouble.

Why is it every time
I go somewhere with you,

it always ends
in violence and terror?

Welcome to my life.

I don't want to be in your life.
I want to be in my life.

Well, there's the door.

Please feel free to walk out at
any time and live your life.

All I wanted was
to be homecoming queen.

And that's all I wanted,
too, Cordelia.

I spent a year's
allowance on this dress.

I don't even get why
you care about homecoming...

When you're doing stuff
like this.

Because this is
all I do.

This is
what my life is.

You couldn't
understand.

I just thought...
Homecoming queen.

I could pick up
a yearbook someday and say,

"I was there."

I went to high school.

I had friends.

And for one moment,

I got to live
in the world.

And there'd be proof...

Proof...
That I was chosen...

For something
other than this.

Besides...

I look cute
in a tiara.

Do you hear...

Aah!

Cor, the gun!

Ooh!

Cordelia, the spatula.

Prepare to launch.

- Target's in range.
- Ready your weapon.

"Y" access 53 degrees
west by eight degrees south.

Buffy!

Launch!

Aah!

We got to get back
to the library.

Easy, darlin'.

These things
go through you...

Faster than grandpa
Pete's chili.

I want to do Buffy...

My weddin' present for what
happened to your poor brother.

Tector.
When's she comin'?

He's her watcher.

She'll show...
Just as soon...

As she gets rid of some
of our competition.

They're heading west,
back into town.

They got away?

Temporarily.

Well, give it up for the slayers.
They got character.

I'll take care of it.

Evening, gentlemen.
How may I help you?

Excuse me,
anybody got a warrant here?

Jungle Bob and spike-head
are down and out.

We've lost the Germans twice, but
they seem to keep finding us.

If we take them out and the gorches,
we can still make homecoming.

Those animals! Hunting us
down like poor defenseless...

Well, animals.

We just need
to find Giles... ooh!

Buffy!

Unh!

Candy!

Oh, candy.

I'm gonna kill both of
you slayers for this!

Hear me?
I hear you, you redneck moron.

You got a dress
that goes with that hat?

I'm gonna...

Rip out my innards,
play with my eyeballs,

boil my brain
and eat it for brunch?

Listen up, needle-brain.

Buffy and I have taken out
four of your cronies,

not to mention
your girlfriend.

Wife!
Whatever.

The point is, I haven't
even broken a sweat.

See, in the end,
Buffy's just the runner-up.

I'm the queen.

You get me mad, what do you
think I'm gonna do to you?

Later.

That should teach him to
mistake you for a slayer.

I must admit I do feel
partly responsible.

I did give your friends
tacit approval...

To make the switch
in the limousine.

Aw, it's OK. It gave
cor and I a chance...

To spend some
quality death time.

And we got
these free corsages.

That's nice...

Although I don't recall
them mentioning corsages.

Jungle Bob said
that the Germans...

Were hooked into
a computer system.

And they're
hooked into us.

Oh, god, get rid
of these things!

I need some
wet toilet paper.

Yeah. That'll help.

Transmitting coordinates now.

They're 50 feet away.

Axis six degrees by 43.

I have them both in range.

I have the targets together
at 20 feet north and stationary.

Final position is locked.

Fire when ready.

Both targets
seven degrees by 35.

Adjust right ten degrees.

Fire! Fire!

I won.

Hello!
Nice to meet you.

Hi. It's a pleasure.
Where am I?

In my office.
I'm Richard Wilkins.

I'm the mayor
of sunnydale,

and you're...
Mr. trick.

Please, sit down.

That's an exciting suit.

Well, clothes make the man.

Well, as I understand it,

you're not a man...
Exactly.

Mr. trick, I've been the
mayor for quite some time.

I like things
to run smoothly.

This is a very important
year for me.

Election year.

Something like that.

If this is the point
where you tell me...

That I don't fit in here in
your quiet little neighborhood,

you can just skip it
'cause, see,

that all got old long
before I became a vampire.

Do you know
what I'm saying?

Do you have children?

Children are the heart
of a community.

They need to be looked
after... controlled.

The more rebellious element
needs to be dealt with.

The children are
our future.

We need them.

I need them.

If this rebellious element
means who I think it does,

then that problem may be taken
care of this very night.

So I've heard.

That's a very enterprising
idea you have... Slayerfest.

I love that name,
by the way.

You see, that's the kind of
initiative I need on my team.

What if I don't want to be
a part of the team?

Oh, no,
that won't be an issue.

See, you and I are gonna
get along very well.

Moist towelette?

Hey, guys, the moment
we've all been waiting for.

They're gonna
announce the queen.

Where are they?
What's keeping them?

I'm gonna go with
mud wrestling.

Oh, god! What did you two
do to each other?

Long story.
Got hunted.

Apparently
not that long.

Tell you one thing,
though...

You don't want to
mess with Cordelia.

No.

In this envelope,

I hold the name of
this year's homecoming queen.

After all that we've
been through tonight,

this whole who-gets-to-be-queen
capade seems pretty...

Damn important.
Oh, yeah.

And the winner is...

Hey, I believe we have a first
for sunnydale high.

We have a tie.

The winners are Holly Charleston
and Michelle Blake.

I'm just so honored!

I can't believe it!

I mean, that you would pick me...
Or us...

Out of every girl
in the whole school!

It's just...
It's so wonderful!

I promised myself
I wasn't gonna cry.

Grr.. Argh.