Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1996–2003): Season 3, Episode 16 - Doppelgangland - full transcript

Previously on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer“:

- You killed a man.
- I don't care.

She's taken a life. She's got a taste for it now.

I guess that means you have a job opening.

The necklace is a symbol of Anyanka.
She's a demon that grants wishes.

- I wish Buffy had never come to Sunnydale.
- Done.

I love this part.

Cordelia's wish changed this world.

If we can destroy the necklace,
it will undo the wish,

rendering Anyanka mortal and powerless.

Do not ask again.



But...

Your powers were a gift of the lower beings.
You have proved unworthy of them.

- I was robbed of them.
- By your carelessness.

For a thousand years
I wielded the powers of the wish.

I brought ruin to the heads of unfaithful men.

I brought forth destruction and chaos
for the pleasure of the lower beings.

I was feared and worshipped across the globe
and now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High.

A mortal. A child.

- And I'm flunking math.
- This is no concern of ours.

You will live out your mortal life and die.

Give me another chance.
Fold the fabric of time.

Send me back to that place and I'll change it.

- I won't fail again.
- Your time is passed.

Do you have any idea
how boring 12th graders are?



I'm getting my power centre back.

And if you won't help me then, by the
pestilent gods, I will find someone who will.

The Watcher Council shrink is heavy
into tests. He's got tests for everything.

TATs, Rorschach, associative logic.
He even has that test to see if you're crazy

that asks if you ever hear voices
or wanted to be a florist.

I used to want...
Wait. Florist means crazy, right?

I never wanted to do that.

- Neat.
- Thanks.

It's all about emotional control.
Plus, obviously, magic.

Hey, you wanna go to the espresso pump
and get sugared up on mochas?

I'll pass. Hit the pool and do some laps.

How come the sudden callisthenics?
Aren't you sort of naturally buff, Buff?

Buff Buff.

They've got us on the physical side, too. Lot
of reflex evaluation and precision training.

- I just... Well, I wanna do...
- Better than Faith?

So very shallow.

Competition is natural and healthy. Plus,
you'll definitely ace her on the psych test.

Just don't mark the box that says
"I sometimes like to kill people."

I know Faith's not gonna be on the cover
of Sanity Fair, but she had it rough.

- Different circumstances, that could be me.
- No way.

Some people just don't have that in them.

Look, I'm sorry. I know
how you hate talking about Faith.

- No, it's OK.
- No, really, we should just...

It doesn't bother me. I mean it.

Will...

- Emotional control?
- I'm working on it.

As far as I'm concerned,
this is a marriage made in heaven.

Willow Rosenberg,
despite her unsavoury associations,

represents the pinnacle
of academic achievement at Sunnydale High.

Percy West represents
a devastating fast break

and 50 per cent from
behind the three-point line.

I'm not sure I understand the marriage part.

You've got the brains, he's got the fast break.

- It's a perfect match.
- Match?

- You want us to breed?
- I want you to tutor him.

Percy is flunking history.
Nothing seems to be able to motivate him.

Hey, I'm challenged.

You're lazy, self-involved and spoiled.
Quite the challenge.

But we need a winning year, especially
after last year's debacle with the swim team.

Can't have our point guard benched. So,
you are going to take on a little teaching job.

- I know how you enjoy teaching.
- Well, I have a lot of work of my own.

You've got a letter of acceptance
from every university with a stamp.

Yes, but I still have classes and I don't...

Rosenberg, it's time to give
something back to the community.

I know you wanna help your school out here.
Ask me how I know.

- How do you...
- I just know.

So he threatened you? With what?

It wasn't exactly anything he said.

It was all in his eyes. I mean, there was
some nostril work as well, but mostly eyes.

Snyder needs me to kick his ass.

No, Buffy, don't get in trouble. I'll be OK.

I just hate the way he bullies people.

He just assumes everyone's time is his.

Willow, get on the computer.
Take a pass at accessing the Mayor's files.

OK.

- Well, that was a blast.
- How did it go?

Princess Margaret here
had a little trouble keeping up.

How did it go?

Faith did quite well on the obstacle field.
Still a little sloppy, though.

You feel up to taking Buffy out, or shall I?

I'll be fine. Just give me a minute. And some
defibrillators, if it's not too much trouble.

You're gonna love it, B.
It's just like fun, only boring.

This evaluation
is a necessary part of the Council...

I know. I'm on board here.
Just shootin' my mouth off.

I better change.

Good luck.

Whatcha doing?

I'm trying to access
the Mayor's personal files.

- Can you do that?
- He's got some tricky barriers set up.

Can you get past 'em?

Eventually I'll get through.

- That's very interesting.
- Yeah, I thought so, too.

- Are you serious about this place?
- Of course I am.

No slayer of mine's gonna
live in a fleabag hotel.

That place has a very unsavoury reputation.
There are immoral liaisons going on there.

Yeah, plus all the screwing.
This place is the kick.

We'll keep your old place, in case
you need to see your friends there, but...

Shoes! Shoes!

- Thanks, sugar daddy.
- Now, Faith...

I don't find that sort of thing amusing.
I'm a family man.

Now, let's kill your little friend.

Don't worry. I wouldn't ask you to do it,
not this early in the relationship.

Besides, I think a vampire attack
would look less suspicious anyway.

Let's take a look at the rest of the apartment.

If I'm not mistaken,
some lucky girl has herself a PlayStation.

- No way.
- Yes way.

- Hey.
- Oz, hi.

There's something about you
that's causing me to hug you.

It's like I have no will of my own.

Where were you yesterday?

We got back late, sort of very.

- We? Who? Where?
- The band.

We had a gig in Monterey Sunday night.

You did? How come I didn't know?

I thought you did.

- Maybe I would have liked to go.
- Didn't figure you for missing school.

You think I'm boring.

I'd call that a radical
interpretation of the text.

- We're playing tonight, at the Bronze.
- I can't. I have too much homework.

If you get done early?

Percy. Hey.

Listen, I thought we could get together today
at lunch and go over your Roosevelt paper.

- You know, what books you'll need.
- What are you talking about?

- Me tutoring you. Your history paper?
- Yeah, Snyder said you were gonna do it.

- He never said that.
- What meeting were you at?

I'll get the books. Meet me at lunch and...

No, no. I don't have any time at lunch.
I gotta hang out.

- Well...
- What, you got something better to do?

Just type it up and put my name on it. And
don't type too good. It's a dead giveaway.

I'm eating this now.
It's not lunchtime. I don't even care.

Willow, did you remember
to tape Biography last Friday?

- See? I told you. Old Reliable.
- Thanks.

- What?
- Old Reliable?

Yeah, great. There's a sexy nickname.

- I didn't mean it as...
- No, it's fine. I'm Old Reliable.

She means the geyser. You're like a geyser
of fun that goes off at regular intervals.

- That's Old Faithful.
- Isn't that the dog that the guy had to shoot?

- That's Old Yeller.
- Xander, I beg you not to help me.

I didn't mean it as a bad thing.
I think it's good to be reliable.

Well, maybe I don't wanna be
reliable all the time.

Maybe I'm not just some doormat person.
Homework Gal.

I'm thinking nerve strike.

Maybe I'll change my look.
Or cut class. You don't know.

And I'm eating this banana.
Lunchtime be damned.

- Will, wait. I'm really sorry.
- Buff, I'm storming off.

It doesn't really work if you come with me.

Willow?

Hi.

Anya. I'm sort of new here.

- I know Cordelia.
- Fun.

Yeah. Listen, I have this project I'm working
on and I heard you were the person to ask if...

Yeah, that's me. Reliable dog geyser person.

- What do you need?
- It's nothing big.

- Just a little spell I'm working on.
- A spell?

I like the black arts.

I just need a secondary
to create a temporal fold.

- I heard you were a pretty powerful wicca.
- You heard right, mister.

I'm always ready to work some dark mojo.

So, tell me, is it dangerous?

No.

Well, could we pretend it is?

The necklace was a family heirloom,
passed down for generations.

Then it was stolen
from my mom's apartment.

How does the spell work?

Well, we both call on Eyrishon,
the Endless One.

Offer up the standard supplication.
Then there's a teensy temporal fold. We hope.

I pour the sacred sand on
the representation of the necklace,

and Eyrishon brings it forth
from the time and place it was lost.

Cool.

- Are we ready?
- I think so.

- The child to the mother.
- The river to the sea.

Eyrishon, hear my prayer.

That was... What was that?

It's not here.

It's not here.

OK. That's a little blacker than I like my arts.

- Don't be such a wimp.
- That wasn't just some temporal fold.

That was some weird hell place.
I don't think you're telling me everything.

I swear, I am just trying to find my necklace.

Well, did you try looking
inside the sofa in Hell?

Look, we'll just try it again and...

No. I think emphatically not.

- I can't do it by myself.
- That's a relief. I'm outta here.

Fine. Go.

Idiot child.

I believe these chicken feet are mine.

Look, magic is dangerous, Anya.
It's not to be toyed with.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have someone else's homework to do.

Nothing!

This is weird.

- I'll race ya.
- Maybe we can get something to eat.

Excuse me...

Hey.

Rosenberg? What are you doing,
trick-or-treating?

You're supposed to be
doing my history report.

I flunk that class,
you're in big trouble with Snyder.

Till we graduate, I own your ass.

Bored now.

I'm having a terrible night.

Wanna make it better?

What's goin' on? ls there a funny thing?

Back off. You stay the hell away from her.

OK. Sure.

Xander...

Changin' the look, not an idle threat with you.

You're alive.

Will, this is verging on
naughty touching here.

Don't wanna fall back on bad habits.
Hands. Hands in new places.

You're alive.

You mentioned that before.

- Will, are you OK?
- No.

Everything's different.

- There you are.
- Hey, Buff.

Aren't you gonna introduce me to your...
Holy God, you're Willow.

You...

You know what? I like the look.

It's extreme.

But it looks good.
You know, it's a leather thing and...

I said extreme already, right?

I don't like you.

I'm sorry about today. You know how
my foot likes to live in my mouth.

But you really didn't have to prove anything.

Leaving now.

- Gotta say, not loving the new you.
- Will, wait...

Get off me!

Willow Rosenberg?

I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.

Then we won't talk.

- You made me cranky.
- There's been a mistake here.

We were sent after a human.

Really? Who do you work for?

I'm not telling you a thing.

Who do you work for?

Wilkins, the Mayor.

Who do you work for?

You.

Get your friends. Bring them here.

The world's no fun any more.

We're gonna make it the way it was.

Starting with the Bronze.

Buffy. I thought you were
going out tonight. I didn't expect...

What is it?

This isn't real.

I can't feel anything.

Arms, legs, anything.

She was truly...

the finest of all of us.

Way better than me.

Much, much better.

- It's all my fault.
- No.

It's me. Maybe it's me.

I called her "reliable".
She must've gone out and gotten attacked,

which she never would have done
if I hadn't called her reliable.

- And now my best friend is...
- What's going on?

Jeez, who died?

- God! Who died?
- Back!

Get back, demon!

- Willow, you're alive?
- Aren't I usually?

I love you guys, too.

OK, oxygen becoming an issue.

Giles, what's going on with these...?

Sorry.

It's really nice that you guys missed me.

Say, you all didn't happen to do
a bunch of drugs, did you?

Will, we saw you at the Bronze.

A vampire.

- I'm not a vampire.
- You are.

I mean, you were.

Giles, planning on jumping in
with an explanation anytime soon?

Something...
Something very strange is happening.

Can you believe the Watchers' Council
let this guy go?

What a day.

- Gimme a beer.
- ID.

ID.

I'm 1120 years old!
Just give me a frickin' beer!

- ID.
- Give me a Coke.

Man, we need a roadie.
Other bands have roadies.

Other bands know more than three chords.

Professional bands can play up to six
or seven completely different chords.

That's just, like, fruity jazz bands.

- Oz...
- Hey, man.

- You looking for Buffy?
- As always.

Well, no sightings as of yet.
But I think she said she'd show.

- That doesn't look good.
- Everybody, shut up!

All right.

Nobody cause any trouble,
or try to leave... and nobody gets hurt.

- Why don't I believe him?
- Well, he lacks credibility.

- Can you get outta here?
- Skylight in the roof.

- I can make it.
- I think we need some backup.

- I think I'm needed here.
- Ten to one. Could get pointless.

Look... Everyone's all afraid.

It's just like old times.

Get Buffy. Do it now.

Dude, check out your girlfriend.

- What's your name?
- Sandy.

You don't have to be afraid, just to please me.

If you're all good boys and girls,
we'll make you young

and strong for ever and ever.

We'll have fun.

If you're not...

Questions? Comments?

Willow...

- You don't wanna do this.
- I don't?

But I'm so good at it.

- Who did this to you?
- I know you.

You're a white hat. How come
you're talking to me like we're friends?

Because he thinks you're someone else.

He thinks you're the Willow
that belongs in this reality.

- Another me?
- You know this isn't your world, right?

- You know you don't belong here?
- No. This is a dumb world.

In my world, there are people in chains
and we can ride them like ponies.

- You wanna get back there?
- Yeah.

So do I.

This is creepy. I don't like the thought that
there's a vampire out there that looks like me.

- Not looks like. ls.
- It was exactly you, Will. Every detail.

Except for your not being a dominatrix.
As far as we know.

Oh, right. Me and Oz play
Mistress of Pain every night.

Did anyone else just go
to a scary visual place?

Yeah.

Buffy, I...

Something's happened that...

Willow's dead.

Hey, Willow.

Wait a second.

- We're right there with you, buddy.
- We saw her too at the Bronze.

OK... She's there now with
a cadre of vampires looking to party.

We figure out who she is after we stop
the feeding frenzy. How many were there?

- Eight or ten.
- Call Faith?

I don't want her in combat yet.
Not around civilians.

Guys?

What are we gonna do with me?
The other me.

I don't know, Will. We just have to stop them.

I get that. I just kind of wanted to know.

Hey, go. I'll catch up.

Alone at last.

Well, look at me. I'm all fuzzy.

What do I want with you?

Your little schoolfriend, Anya, said
that you're the one that brought me here.

She said that you could
get me back to my world.

But I don't know.

I kinda like the idea of the two of us.

We could be quite a team,
if you came around to my way of thinking.

Would that mean we have to snuggle?

What do you say?

Wanna be bad?

This just can't get more disturbing.

No more!
You're really starting to freak me out.

You don't wanna play,
I guess I can't force you.

Wait.

I can.

Bitch.

It's extraordinary.

It's horrible. That's me as a vampire?

I'm so evil and skanky.

And I think I'm kinda gay.

Just remember, a vampire's personality
has nothing to do with the person that was.

Well, actually...

That's a good point.

- What do we do now?
- We have to go to the Bronze.

Even if they're supposed to wait, they may
start feeding. Vampires aren't reliable.

So we charge in,
much in the style of John Wayne?

High casualty risk.
I haven't any other plan, though.

I have a really bad idea.

They're still in a holding pattern. That's good.
They must really be afraid of you.

Who wouldn't be?

- Are you OK in that?
- It's a little binding.

I guess vampires really don't have to breathe.

Gosh. Look at those.

Willow, you go in and defuse
the situation as best you can.

At least try and get some of them
to come out and even up the odds.

First sign of trouble, you give us a signal.
We come in hard and fast.

- What is the signal?
- Me screaming.

Giles, you and Xander
wait by the back entrance.

- Are you up to this?
- Don't worry.

I won't do anything
that could be interpreted as brave.

We'll be right outside.

Hi, I'm back.

Did you find the girl?

Yep, I did.

Where is she?

I killed her.

And sucked her blood, as we vampires do.

I think maybe I heard something out there.
Why don't you go check?

How could you kill her? She was
our best shot at getting your world back.

I don't like that you dare question me.

Maybe I'll have my minions take you
out back and kill you horribly.

Vampires. Always thinking with your teeth.

She bothered me.
She's so weak and accommodating.

She's always letting people walk all over her,

and then she gets cranky
with her friends for no reason.

I just couldn't let her live.

You know, he's been gone for a while.
Why don't you go check on him?

Well, boss, since that plan is out,

why don't we get with the killing?

Oh, no, this is like a nightmare.

Hello? Giles?

Wesley?

I just happened to stop by...

for books.

- Hey, you.
- Hey me?

Hey me what?

- I have a name, you know.
- Cordelia...

What did you do?
Lock yourself in the book cage?

Yeah.

Let me out.

Cos I'm so helpless.

OK. I think Giles keeps a spare...

How'd you manage
to lock yourself in, anyway?

I was looking at books.

I like books...

- cos I'm shy.
- Yeah, right.

The famous shy-girl act all the boys fall for.

Open the cage.

Wait... it occurs to me that we've never
really had the opportunity to talk.

You know, woman to woman,
with you locked up.

Don't wanna talk. Hungry.

What could we talk about?
How about the ethics of boyfriend stealing?

I don't know if I feel like killing any more.

I'm so bored.

It would be like shooting fish in a barrel.

Where's the fun?

With all due respect, boss,
the fun would be the eating.

Maybe we should let everyone go
and give them a 30-second head start.

- Wait a minute...
- No. I like my plan.

- Nice try.
- OK, let's get to the killing.

- Let's start with her.
- Let's start with you.

If she's a vampire, then
I'm the creature from the Black Lagoon.

And, OK, it isn't even like
I was that attracted to Xander.

It was more just that we kept being
put in these life-or-death situations

and that's always all sexy and stuff.

I mean, I more or less knew he was a loser.

But that doesn't make it OK
for you to come around and...

What?

- Do I have something on my neck?
- Not yet.

- Am I getting a zit?
- Cordelia...

I'm very sorry.

I realise I was wrong.
I'll never steal your boyfriend again.

Like you could. I should just leave you
in there, but I'm a great humanitarian.

And you will just have to think
of a way to pay me back sometime.

OK.

How about dinner?

I didn't mean all that stuff I said.
I want you to have Xander.

- My blessings on you both.
- I'm so over him.

I need fresh blood.

No more hiding.

Back! Creature of the night!
Leave this place!

Don't wanna.

Whatever.

- I'm sorry.
- No, no.

A little on edge. You know. Men in combat.

- Are you all right?
- You saved my life.

Thank you.

Yes.

- Was that...?
- Willow.

They got Willow.

So, are you doing anything tonight?

I'm just so tired of being around
human beings and all their baggage.

I don't care if I ever get my powers back.

I think he should eat you.

This girl has a history of mental problems
dating back to early childhood.

I'm a bloodsucking fiend. Look at my outfit.

A human. I should have smelled it right away.

A human? Oh, yeah? Could a human do this?

- Sure. Humans do that, yeah.
- Yeah. I think, yeah.

Ow! Happy, but ow!

Devon, come on!

No more snuggles?

Buffy, no!

- Nice reflexes.
- Well, I work out.

This world's no fun.

You noticed that, too?

So, in your reality,
I'm like this badass vampire, huh?

People afraid of me?

Yeah. I'm bad.

I'm not sure about releasing this thing
into the wild, Will. it is a demon.

I just can't kill her.

No, me neither.

I mean, I know she's not me.
We have a big nothing in common, but still...

There but for the grace of gettin' bit.

We send her back to her world
and she stands a chance.

It's the way it should be, anyway.

We're about ready here.

Don't you try any tricks now, dear.

I don't need tricks. When I get my powers
back you will all grovel before me.

Yes, if you... Willows

would like to complete the circle?

Good luck.

Try not to kill people.

Hands. Hands.

You wanna go out tonight?

Strangely, I feel like staying at home.

And doing my homework.

And flossing. And dying a virgin.

You know, you can OD on virtue.

Between me and my evil self,
I have double-guilt coupons.

I see now where the path of vice leads.
She messed up everything she touched.

I don't ever wanna be like that.

- Hey. Hi.
- Hi. Listen, I didn't have a chance...

OK. So, I did the outline
for the paper on Roosevelt.

There were two President Roosevelts. I didn't
know exactly which one to do, so I did both.

And I know they're kinda short,
but I can flesh them out.

And here's the bibliography.
And I can retype that if you want.

You just let me know what
I did wrong and I'll get on that.

- You wanna go out tonight?
- Nine sound good?

Visiontext Subtitles: Paul Allen

ENGLISH