Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1996–2003): Season 3, Episode 13 - The Zeppo - full transcript
When Xander realizes that he isn't needed as much as he'd like to believe, his quest to prove he's cool leads him to an unforgettable night that finds him consorting with fast women, raising the dead and rolling with a dangerous crowd that could put Sunnydale in a world of hurt. Meanwhile, Buffy, Giles and the rest of the crew engage in a furious battle with the Sisterhood of Jhe, an all-female demon apocalypse cult that intends to reopen the Hellmouth and bring about the end of the world.
Obscurate nos
non diutius.
Now!
Aaaaah!
I think that
was the last.
Willow, you OK?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Th-The shaking is a side effect
of the fear.
Thank you.
If it wasn't for
that clouding spell...
Yeah, it went good.
Nothing melted like last time.
These babes were
wicked rowdy.
What's their deal?
I wish I knew.
Most of my sources
have dried up
since the Council
has relieved me of my duties.
I was aware there
was a nest here...
but quite frankly,
I expected it to be vampires.
These are new.
And improved.
Yes. I'm sorry.
I should've had you
better prepared...
and I should never
have allowed Willow and, uh...
and, uh...
I'm good...
We're fine.
Just a little bit dirty.
Good show, everyone.
Just great.
I think we have a hit.
Are you OK?
Tip-top, really.
If anyone sees
my spine laying around...
just try not
to step on it.
Xander, one of these days,
you're gonna get yourself hurt.
- Or killed.
- Or both.
And, you know,
with the pain and the death...
maybe you shouldn't be
leaping into the fray like that.
Maybe you should be...
fray-adjacent.
Excuse me?
Who, at a crucial moment...
distracted the lead demon
by allowing her
to pummel him about the head?
Yeah. That was real manly
how you shrieked and all.
I think you'll find
that was more of a bellow.
What do we do with the trio here?
Should we burn them?
I brought marshmallows.
Occasionally,
I'm callous and strange.
I expect we can leave them.
I'm more interested
in finding out what they are...
and whether we can expect
more of their kind.
I hope not.
They're way too fit.
I say bring 'em on!
Uh, Xander,
I think in the future
perhaps it would be best if you
hung back to the rear of the battle...
for your own sake.
But, gee, Mr. White...
if Clark and Lois
get all the good stories...
I'll never be
a good reporter.
Hmm?
Jimmy Olsen joke, sir.
Pretty much gonna
be lost on you.
Sorry.
Hey, it's OK.
[Howling]
Hey, Doug, toss me one!
Les-man, I'm open!
Les, buddy!
Doug, right here, man.
Right here.
Doug, please.
All right!
It's all me!
Boy, I am so sorry.
Doug's arm is kinda
like spaghetti.
We're all so
very sad for him.
Is your lunch OK?
What are you, retarded?
No. No, I had to take
that test when I was 7.
A little slow
in some stuff...
mostly math and
spatial relations...
but certainly not challenged
or anything.
Can I get you
another soda?
I ought to cut
your face open.
Hey, hey, whoa. It was an accident.
Cool down.
You wanna be
startin' somethin'?
What?
Starting something?
Like that
MichaelJackson song, right?
That was a lot of fun.
* Too high to get over,
yeah, yeah *
Remember
that fun song?
I get my buddies
together...
we're gonna kick your ass
till it's a brand-new shape.
Now, get outta here.
Boy, of all the humiliations
you've had I've witnessed...
that was the latest.
I could've taken him.
Oh, please.
O'Toole would macram? your face.
He is a psycho...
which is still a lot cooler
than being a wuss.
Why is it that I've
come face-to-face
with vampires, demons, the most
hideous creatures hell ever spit out...
and I'm still afraid
of a little bully likeJack O'Toole?
Because, unlike all those creatures
you've come face-to-face with...
Jack actually noticed
you were there.
Why am I surprised
by how comforting you're not?
It must be really hard when
all your friends have superpowers...
slayer, werewolf,
witches, vampires...
and you're, like,
this little nothing.
You must feel
likeJimmy Olsen.
I was just talking to...
Hey, mind your own business.
Ooh, I struck a nerve.
The boy that had no cool.
I happen to be an integral part
of that group.
I have a lot to offer.
- Oh, please.
- I do!
"Integral part"
of the group?
Xander, you're the useless part
of the group.
You're the Zeppo.
"Cool." Look it up.
It's something that a subliterate that's
repeated 12th grade 3 times has...
and you don't.
There was no part of that
that wasn't fun.
But it's just that it's bugging me...
this "cool" thing.
I mean, what is it?
How do you get it?
Who doesn't have it?
And who decides
who doesn't have it?
What is the essence
of cool?
Not sure.
I mean, you yourself, Oz...
are considered
more or less cool.
Why is that?
Am I?
Is it about the talking?
You know, the way
you tend to express yourself
in short,
noncommittal phrases?
Could be.
No. You're in a band.
That's like
a business-class ticket to cool
with complimentary
mojo after takeoff.
I gotta learn
an instrument.
Is it hard
to play guitar?
Not the way I play it.
But on the other hand...
eighth grade.
I'm taking the flugelhorn
and getting zero trim...
so the whole instrument thing
could be a mislead.
But you need a thing...
one thing
nobody else has.
What do I have?
An exciting new obsession...
which I feel makes
you very special.
Now with the mocking.
Which I can handle because
I know I'm right about this.
I'm on the track.
I just need to find my thing.
It seems like you're
overthinking it.
You got some identity issues.
It's not...
The end of the world?
Can they do that?
They seem fairly committed.
The Sisterhood ofJhe
is an apocalypse cult.
They exist solely to bring about
the world's destruction...
and we've not seen the last of them.
More will follow.
And they're here in Sunnydale
for what, Demon Expo?
Buffy, this is
no laughing matter.
Hence my no laughing.
I'm sorry.
I know I'm no longer
your official Watcher, but...
Hey.
Hey.
Um, you're cutting it a bit close.
Well, you know me.
Well, do we know
why they're here?
I think so. Based on
some artifacts I found with them...
and taking into account
the current astral cycle...
Giles, I don't need
to see the math.
They intend
to open the hellmouth.
The hellmouth.
The one that opens...
About 20 feet from
where you're standing.
[Howling]
And if it opens?
Do you remember the demon that
almost got out the night I died?
Every nightmare I have
that doesn't revolve
around academic failure
or public nudity
is about that thing.
In fact, once I dreamt
that it attacked me
while I was late
for a test and naked.
Well, it'll be
the first to come out...
and Giles says it won't
be the worst by a long shot.
The world will be overrun
with demons if we don't stop it.
Do we know when this
is supposed to happen?
Giles is trying
to narrow it down.
If you're up for it,
we're heading into deep research mode.
I'd be offended if
you haven't already counted me in.
Thanks, Wil. There's something
about this one that... scares me.
I need my Willow.
Oh, you don't have
to be afraid...
[Beep Beep]
You girls need a lift?
What is this?
What do you mean,
what is it?
It's my thing.
Your thing?
My thing!
Is this a penis metaphor?
It's my thing
that makes me cool.
You know,
that makes me unique.
I'm "car guy"...
guy with the car.
How can you afford it?
Uncle Roary,
stacking up the DUIs...
let me rent this bad boy
till he's mobile again.
Well... it's nice.
Could you sound
a little less enthused?
- Sorry.
- Evil.
- Big?
- Biggest.
Maybe more than
I can handle.
Then we'll handle it
together.
You know I'm here for you.
Just tell me
what I can do.
I'll take 2 glazed,
2 cinnamon...
couple cream-filled
and a jelly.
No. Let's round that out
to 4 jellies.
Ooh, is some evil
going on?
Must be big for them
to entrust you
with this
daredevil mission.
Cordelia.
Feel free to drop dead
of a wasting disease
in the next 20 seconds.
Ooh, again,
I strike the nerve.
I am the surgeon of mean.
I'm kinda busy
right now, OK?
Right.
Buffy need your help?
Can you say "expendable"?
You think
you know everything.
I think I know you.
That's a laugh.
What, you got a shiny car...
and now you're someone new?
Like anybody
even cares about...
Is that your car?
Why, uh... yes, it is.
'57 Chevy Bel Aire...
283 C.I. D...
solid lifter...
fuel-injected V-8.
Uh... very possibly.
How does she handle?
Like a dream about
warm, sticky things.
Would you like to go
for a little drive?
You busy?
Just gotta drop
this stuff off...
and then I would describe myself
as... expendable.
...and then I started
seeing Dave Peck.
Had a Thunderbird,
engine completely tricked out...
but the upholstery
was kind of shot.
So then I started
seeing his friend Mike.
Not the Mike
with the Mercedes.
The Mike with the Mustang...
An '82 V-6.
You know the look.
Angel!
Buddy!
Friend-buddy.
You wanna sit and talk?
I'm looking for Buffy.
Library last I saw.
Something's happening.
I've seen portents.
The apocalypse.
They're on top of it.
I don't think they know
what they're dealing with.
Let's go there...
and tell them that.
No. It's best
you stay out of harm's way.
But I can help.
Hey, you wanna go
for another drive?
You know, it's not like
I haven't helped before.
I've done some quality violence
for those people.
Do they even
think about that?
I mean...
they act like I'm
some sort of klutz.
[Metal Crunching]
Oh, God!
Are you all right?
Oh, God!
Stay calm.
Little fender bender.
It's not...
the end of the world.
He's cranky.
It's a good night for it.
Can't dogs sense when there's
an earthquake, and they bark?
Or cows lie down
or something?
"Sisterhood ofJhe."
"Race of female demons,
fierce warriors..."
Eww. "...celebrate victory
in battle by eating their foes."
They couldn't just pour Gatorade
on each other?
Wouldn't even take
my calls. Idiots.
- Anything useful in the books?
- Not wildly.
We still have the Books of Pherion
to go through.
I'm getting
itchy feet, Giles.
We don't turn up
something soon...
I'm gonna hit
the streets.
Maybe check out Willy's.
Fine.
Where are you going?
Um, to try and contact
the spirit guides.
They exist out of time,
but have knowledge of the future.
I have no idea if they will respond
to my efforts, but I have to try.
All we know is that the fate
of the entire world rests on it.
Did you eat
all the jellies?
- Did you want a jelly?
- I always have a jelly.
I'm always the one that says
"Let's have a jelly in the mix."
We're sorry. Buffy had 3.
No matter.
If Xander makes another run...
No. Xander's out of this.
He nearly got killed
last time we fought.
This whole thing will be easier
if we know he's safe.
Oh, gosh, Jack,
are... are you OK?
I am really sorry
about that...
but your car came
out of nowhere.
I was parked.
Exactly.
Look, I can cover the damages.
I don't have insurance
in the strictest sense of the word...
but I have
a little money.
The important thing
is that we're all right
and we can work this out
like two reasonable...
frontiersmen.
Where do you want it?
What?
Where do you want it?
I'm fairly certain
I don't want it at all...
but, uh, thank you.
Wow. Cool knife.
Yeah. Great knife.
Although I think
it may technically be a sword.
She's called "Katie."
You gave it
a girl's name.
How very serial killer
of you.
Listen, I think
we should be going.
Are you scared?
Would that
make you happy?
Your woman looking on,
you can't stand up to me?
Don't you feel pathetic?
Mostly I feel Katie.
You know what the difference
between you and me is?
Again... Katie's
springing to mind.
Fear.
Who has the least fear.
And it has
nothing to do
with who has
the big, sharp...
Come on.
I want to go
for a drive.
I'm bored.
Oh, gee, I'm really sorry
my life-and-death situation
isn't exciting enough
for you...
Hey!
What's going on?
Nothing. Just rasslin'.
O'Toole. Heh heh.
What a surprise.
He attack you?
No. Just
blowing off steam.
Two guys rasslin'.
But not in a gay way.
Do it somewhere else, huh?
What?
That was all right.
Could've narked on me.
Didn't do it.
That's decent of you.
I like you.
Yea?
You two wanna
have some fun?
Like, with driving?
Yeah.
What do you have
in mind?
I was on my way to get the boys.
Gonna cruise around.
We'll take your wheels.
What about your car?
It ain't mine.
Great. Where to?
Gonna get the boys!
Yeah.
So, where're the boys?
Jack: He calls forth
the spirit of Uurthu, the restless.
No one shall speak.
He shall arise!
Hear me. The blood of the earth
shall restore him...
and he shall arise.
Shall arise.
Buddy.
Bob...
you big, hideous corpse...
come here!
Aaah!
Ha ha ha ha!
I'll call ya!
Man, you raised me!
I told you Grandpappy
could work that mojo.
- Big Bob is back in action!
- Yes!
- D-aah!
- D-aah!
Oh, man, I can't believe
you raised me.
That is so awesome!
You're the coolest.
Maybe I should just let you guys
catch up.
Bob, this is Xander.
He's our wheel man.
Hey.
Howdy.
Dude, where are
the other guys?
We gotta go get 'em.
- Absolutely.
- All right.
Are, um...
Are all your friends dead?
Xander, let's roll.
How long I been down?
8 months. I had to wait
till the stars aligned.
8 months. I got some
catching up to do.
Walker, Texas Ranger...
You been taping 'em?
- Every ep.
- All right.
We're gonna get
the guys together...
and we're gonna party, man!
It's gonna be a night to remember!
Yeah!
I'm sensing that.
Jack: The blood of the earth
shall restore him...
and he shall arise.
Dudes!
Beer!
[Speaking Latin]
Giles, hey...
what's going on?
Oh, uh, I was just trying
to gain access to the spirit guides.
Not going very well,
I'm afraid.
What are you doing here?
Oh, we were just raising,
um... some heck.
Xander!
Let's go!
Listen, do you guys
need any help?
Hmm? Oh, no.
Thank you.
Probably best if you stay out
of trouble.
No chance of that.
Xander! Motor!
There's something...
different about this menace.
Something in the air...
the stench of death.
Yeah, I think it's Bob.
We may all be called upon
to fight when it happens.
When what happens,
exactly?
- Come on!
- I'd better go.
Hopefully, we shall have time
to prepare. All we need is a few weeks.
Tonight?
Before sunrise.
That's what they said.
Why did they do this?
They were looking for Angel.
Angel? Why?
Said they were coming
after you, too...
and nothing could stand in their way
because tonight was the night...
Oh, man.
The ambulance is on its way.
Look, kid, my clientele
ain't exactly
nuns and orphans...
but I never seen anything
like these demons.
I'm gonna stop them.
That hellmouth opens...
they're gonna be the least of
your problems is my train of thought.
If I were you...
I'd go find Angel...
go somewhere
quiet together.
I'd be thinking about how
I wanna spend my last night on Earth.
Let's get some beer!
Yeah!
Let's go
pick up some girls, man.
We'll hang out
at Taco Bell...
get some girls,
go cruise around.
I wanna bake a cake.
Hey, we need
some beers, though.
I can't believe you got shot, man.
Was it them Jackals?
Are you kidding?
We wiped them out
after they threw you
off the bridge.
Oh, man.
You guys are the best, man.
The best!
I mean that.
There's a liquor store.
Little Armenian guy
runs the place?
He had a gun
behind the counter.
Hey... we should
go kick his ass!
- Yeah!
- Yeaaaaah!
If you guys want me
to drop you off somewhere, that's...
Nah. You're with us now.
Yeah, you on the team now,
baby. Whoo-hoo!
What're we gonna do?
I've heard
some interesting suggestions...
but I'm gonna have to go with Dickie's.
Let's bake a cake.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Ha ha ha!
All right. You stay here
and keep the motor running.
This time of night,
I'm pretty sure nothing's open.
But they're always
open for crime.
OK... now
I'm involved in crime.
I'm the criminal element.
Having a car sure is cool.
Willow: Thank you.
Sorry to wake you.
Wil!
Xander, what are
you doing here?
Nothing.
Certainly not crime.
Wh-What about you?
I needed supplies for
a protection spell.
Buffy called from Angel's.
It's happening tonight.
And that thing that's happening
would be...?
I can't stay.
Buffy'll need this.
I love you, Xander.
OK, that's it.
I'm gonna...
Where you going?
Look, something's
just come up.
You gonna bail on me,
is that it?
- We got cake mix.
- Where you wanna bake it?
Xander's looking to leave.
No way.
We need a wheel man.
Xander doesn't feel like
he's part of the group.
No. It's just I'm kinda busy.
He doesn't feel
like part of the group
because he hasn't
been initiated.
Do you think he's ready?
I think he's earned his stripes.
I say we let him in, boys.
Great. I wanna be
in the gang, sure.
All right! Yeah.
- That's the spirit.
- Yeah.
What do I gotta do?
You gotta die.
All right, guys,
what...
Let's just talk about this.
You want to be part
of the gang now, don't you?
Yes, yes...
but I'm not dying
to be in the gang...
if you get the, um...
the pun there.
What, are you...
are you too good to be dead?
You got a problem
with dead people?
What aboutJack?
Jack's not dead.
[Jack Laughs]
Drive-by 3 weeks ago.
Oh, boy.
Grandpappy found my body.
I wasn't gone but 10 minutes
before he raised me.
It's a rush, man.
Let's kill Xander.
It'll be fun.
Yeah, man. You could be
a full-fledged member.
Come on, Xander.
Take it like a man.
All right. Enough.
You guys have had your fun...
but you forgot
about one thing.
Get him!
Rrr. Damn him!
There goes the wheels.
He took all our stuff, man.
I want to bake a cake.
It's all right.
We'll get more.
The night is young.
I'd say that's pretty much
enough excitement
for one evening.
Aah. Ooh.
Get in!
Rrr!
You think demon mama
followed us?
No, we're cool.
The bitch dislocated
my shoulder, though.
Hold me.
That's better.
She got me
really wound up.
A fight like that
and no kill...
I'm about ready to pop.
Really?
Pop?
You up for it?
Oh, I'm up.
I'm suddenly very up.
It's just, um...
I've never been up
with people before.
Just relax...
and take your pants off.
Those two concepts
are antithetical.
Don't worry.
I'll steer you
around the curves.
Did I mention that I'm having
a very strange night?
That was great.
I got to shower.
I've never seen him
like this.
It's the hellmouth.
He can sense it's going to open.
Be ready just in case.
Now, don't hesitate.
Do it.
Now, Oz...
[Growls]
Again!
Ah.
We've got to move him
before he wakes up.
Sorry.
I hope you're not mad at me
in the morning.
Hey.
They're not baking
any cake.
Long gone.
Probably loaded with supplies.
Got to think.
I can't believe
I had sex.
OK. Bombs.
Already-dead guys
with bombs.
Oh, man.
I'm out of my league.
Buffy will know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
Then let me
decide for you.
- I can face this thing.
- You can't.
Look, I can at least
buy you enough time
for Willow's spell
to bind it.
Buffy, this is worse
than anything we've ever faced.
Honey,
it's the only way.
I can't watch you die
again.
I love you.
I love you.
Nothing can change that.
Not even death.
Don't talk to me like that.
You may be ready to go...
but I am not ready
to lose you.
OK, this is my fight...
and if you won't do it
my way, then you're...
[Throat Clears]
Hey.
I've got this, um...
There's this, uh...
It's probably a bad time.
Can I help?
OK.
OK, I can work this out.
I just got to figure out
what they'd
be likely to bomb.
Giles: Terra, vente,
ignis et pluvia.
Cuncta quattuor numina...
vos obsecro.
Defendete nos
a recente malo resoluto.
OK.
Oz is moved.
He could barely walk
after that mickey I gave him...
but we made it.
Is he going to be
all right there?
Anywhere is safer
than here.
Help me
with the candles.
We're doing
the binding spell
from the Hebron's Almanac?
Yes, but once it's ready...
you're to stay back
and let me finish the recitation.
Don't argue.
I want you safe.
Who knows what's going
to come up from beneath us.
[Laughter]
Whoo!
[Laughs]
This is going
to be large.
Oh, yeah.
[Laughs]
Giles will know what to do.
He's way more calm
than Buffy.
[Laughing]
OK, I need a plan.
Hey, our wheels.
[Laughs]
Hey. Hey. Hey!
- Stop. Come on, man. Stop.
- Where's the bomb?
It's in the high school.
In the school where?
Oh, God.
This really, really hurts.
Stop!
It's in the... It's
in the boiler room.
All right.
Now I'm going
to ask you this once...
and you better pray
you get the answer right.
OK, OK.
How do I defuse...
Aah!
I probably should've
left out that whole middle part.
He's headed
for the school!
There he is!
Where's a slayer
when you need one?
Oh, my God.
It's grown.
Wow.
Jack: Come on, man!
Bob: Which way?
He couldn't have
gotten far.
Let's split up.
Good for chopping.
Now, this is what
I call fun.
Should've learned by now.
If you're gonna play with fire...
you gotta expect
sooner or later...
I wasn't finished!
Note to self: Less talk.
Faith, go for the heart!
[Screaming]
OK, boiler room.
Other way.
Hello, nasty.
Less than 2 minutes.
Dumb guy. Little bomb.
How hard can it be?
It just got harder.
I'm not leaving till
that thing's disarmed.
I guess you're not leaving.
I'm gonna carve you up
and serve you with gravy.
You piss me off, boy.
Now you pay the price.
First the eyes,
then the tongue.
I'm gonna break every
one of your fingers.
You gonna do all that
in 49 seconds?
I know what you're thinkin'.
Can I get by him?
Get up the stairs,
out of the building?
Seconds ticking away.
I don't love your chances.
Then you'll die too.
Yeah, looks like.
So I guess the question
really is...
Who has less fear?
I'm not afraid to die.
I'm already dead.
Yeah, but this is different.
Being blowed up isn't walking around
and drinking with your buddies dead.
It's little bits being
swept up by a janitor dead...
and I don't think
you're ready for that.
Are you?
I like the quiet.
Omnia...
vasa...
veritatis!
Now, Buffy!
Good boy.
I don't think I wanna be seeing you
on campus anymore, Jack.
I'm not going
anywhere, Harris.
The first time
you turn your back...
Aah!
Even after the hellmouth
was closed...
we could still
hear it screaming.
But Angel's gonna be OK?
He was only out
for a few minutes.
Longest of my life.
I will never forget
that thing's face.
Its real face, I mean.
Giles: Yes.
I don't know
how you managed.
It was the bravest thing
I've ever seen.
Stupidest.
But the world
continues to turn.
No one will ever know
how close it came
to stopping.
Never know what we did.
Guys.
Oz: Hey.
Xander. Boy, you're lucky
you weren't at school last night.
It was crazed.
Well, uh,
give me the quiet life.
I'm gonna grab a snack.
Anyone want?
No, thank you.
Oz?
No. Oddly full today.
OK.
Ooh, look,
it's Mr. Excitement.
On another life-or-death
doughnut mission...
or are we just cruising
for bimbos again...
giving them lessons
in lack of cool?
What?
What?
What?
non diutius.
Now!
Aaaaah!
I think that
was the last.
Willow, you OK?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Th-The shaking is a side effect
of the fear.
Thank you.
If it wasn't for
that clouding spell...
Yeah, it went good.
Nothing melted like last time.
These babes were
wicked rowdy.
What's their deal?
I wish I knew.
Most of my sources
have dried up
since the Council
has relieved me of my duties.
I was aware there
was a nest here...
but quite frankly,
I expected it to be vampires.
These are new.
And improved.
Yes. I'm sorry.
I should've had you
better prepared...
and I should never
have allowed Willow and, uh...
and, uh...
I'm good...
We're fine.
Just a little bit dirty.
Good show, everyone.
Just great.
I think we have a hit.
Are you OK?
Tip-top, really.
If anyone sees
my spine laying around...
just try not
to step on it.
Xander, one of these days,
you're gonna get yourself hurt.
- Or killed.
- Or both.
And, you know,
with the pain and the death...
maybe you shouldn't be
leaping into the fray like that.
Maybe you should be...
fray-adjacent.
Excuse me?
Who, at a crucial moment...
distracted the lead demon
by allowing her
to pummel him about the head?
Yeah. That was real manly
how you shrieked and all.
I think you'll find
that was more of a bellow.
What do we do with the trio here?
Should we burn them?
I brought marshmallows.
Occasionally,
I'm callous and strange.
I expect we can leave them.
I'm more interested
in finding out what they are...
and whether we can expect
more of their kind.
I hope not.
They're way too fit.
I say bring 'em on!
Uh, Xander,
I think in the future
perhaps it would be best if you
hung back to the rear of the battle...
for your own sake.
But, gee, Mr. White...
if Clark and Lois
get all the good stories...
I'll never be
a good reporter.
Hmm?
Jimmy Olsen joke, sir.
Pretty much gonna
be lost on you.
Sorry.
Hey, it's OK.
[Howling]
Hey, Doug, toss me one!
Les-man, I'm open!
Les, buddy!
Doug, right here, man.
Right here.
Doug, please.
All right!
It's all me!
Boy, I am so sorry.
Doug's arm is kinda
like spaghetti.
We're all so
very sad for him.
Is your lunch OK?
What are you, retarded?
No. No, I had to take
that test when I was 7.
A little slow
in some stuff...
mostly math and
spatial relations...
but certainly not challenged
or anything.
Can I get you
another soda?
I ought to cut
your face open.
Hey, hey, whoa. It was an accident.
Cool down.
You wanna be
startin' somethin'?
What?
Starting something?
Like that
MichaelJackson song, right?
That was a lot of fun.
* Too high to get over,
yeah, yeah *
Remember
that fun song?
I get my buddies
together...
we're gonna kick your ass
till it's a brand-new shape.
Now, get outta here.
Boy, of all the humiliations
you've had I've witnessed...
that was the latest.
I could've taken him.
Oh, please.
O'Toole would macram? your face.
He is a psycho...
which is still a lot cooler
than being a wuss.
Why is it that I've
come face-to-face
with vampires, demons, the most
hideous creatures hell ever spit out...
and I'm still afraid
of a little bully likeJack O'Toole?
Because, unlike all those creatures
you've come face-to-face with...
Jack actually noticed
you were there.
Why am I surprised
by how comforting you're not?
It must be really hard when
all your friends have superpowers...
slayer, werewolf,
witches, vampires...
and you're, like,
this little nothing.
You must feel
likeJimmy Olsen.
I was just talking to...
Hey, mind your own business.
Ooh, I struck a nerve.
The boy that had no cool.
I happen to be an integral part
of that group.
I have a lot to offer.
- Oh, please.
- I do!
"Integral part"
of the group?
Xander, you're the useless part
of the group.
You're the Zeppo.
"Cool." Look it up.
It's something that a subliterate that's
repeated 12th grade 3 times has...
and you don't.
There was no part of that
that wasn't fun.
But it's just that it's bugging me...
this "cool" thing.
I mean, what is it?
How do you get it?
Who doesn't have it?
And who decides
who doesn't have it?
What is the essence
of cool?
Not sure.
I mean, you yourself, Oz...
are considered
more or less cool.
Why is that?
Am I?
Is it about the talking?
You know, the way
you tend to express yourself
in short,
noncommittal phrases?
Could be.
No. You're in a band.
That's like
a business-class ticket to cool
with complimentary
mojo after takeoff.
I gotta learn
an instrument.
Is it hard
to play guitar?
Not the way I play it.
But on the other hand...
eighth grade.
I'm taking the flugelhorn
and getting zero trim...
so the whole instrument thing
could be a mislead.
But you need a thing...
one thing
nobody else has.
What do I have?
An exciting new obsession...
which I feel makes
you very special.
Now with the mocking.
Which I can handle because
I know I'm right about this.
I'm on the track.
I just need to find my thing.
It seems like you're
overthinking it.
You got some identity issues.
It's not...
The end of the world?
Can they do that?
They seem fairly committed.
The Sisterhood ofJhe
is an apocalypse cult.
They exist solely to bring about
the world's destruction...
and we've not seen the last of them.
More will follow.
And they're here in Sunnydale
for what, Demon Expo?
Buffy, this is
no laughing matter.
Hence my no laughing.
I'm sorry.
I know I'm no longer
your official Watcher, but...
Hey.
Hey.
Um, you're cutting it a bit close.
Well, you know me.
Well, do we know
why they're here?
I think so. Based on
some artifacts I found with them...
and taking into account
the current astral cycle...
Giles, I don't need
to see the math.
They intend
to open the hellmouth.
The hellmouth.
The one that opens...
About 20 feet from
where you're standing.
[Howling]
And if it opens?
Do you remember the demon that
almost got out the night I died?
Every nightmare I have
that doesn't revolve
around academic failure
or public nudity
is about that thing.
In fact, once I dreamt
that it attacked me
while I was late
for a test and naked.
Well, it'll be
the first to come out...
and Giles says it won't
be the worst by a long shot.
The world will be overrun
with demons if we don't stop it.
Do we know when this
is supposed to happen?
Giles is trying
to narrow it down.
If you're up for it,
we're heading into deep research mode.
I'd be offended if
you haven't already counted me in.
Thanks, Wil. There's something
about this one that... scares me.
I need my Willow.
Oh, you don't have
to be afraid...
[Beep Beep]
You girls need a lift?
What is this?
What do you mean,
what is it?
It's my thing.
Your thing?
My thing!
Is this a penis metaphor?
It's my thing
that makes me cool.
You know,
that makes me unique.
I'm "car guy"...
guy with the car.
How can you afford it?
Uncle Roary,
stacking up the DUIs...
let me rent this bad boy
till he's mobile again.
Well... it's nice.
Could you sound
a little less enthused?
- Sorry.
- Evil.
- Big?
- Biggest.
Maybe more than
I can handle.
Then we'll handle it
together.
You know I'm here for you.
Just tell me
what I can do.
I'll take 2 glazed,
2 cinnamon...
couple cream-filled
and a jelly.
No. Let's round that out
to 4 jellies.
Ooh, is some evil
going on?
Must be big for them
to entrust you
with this
daredevil mission.
Cordelia.
Feel free to drop dead
of a wasting disease
in the next 20 seconds.
Ooh, again,
I strike the nerve.
I am the surgeon of mean.
I'm kinda busy
right now, OK?
Right.
Buffy need your help?
Can you say "expendable"?
You think
you know everything.
I think I know you.
That's a laugh.
What, you got a shiny car...
and now you're someone new?
Like anybody
even cares about...
Is that your car?
Why, uh... yes, it is.
'57 Chevy Bel Aire...
283 C.I. D...
solid lifter...
fuel-injected V-8.
Uh... very possibly.
How does she handle?
Like a dream about
warm, sticky things.
Would you like to go
for a little drive?
You busy?
Just gotta drop
this stuff off...
and then I would describe myself
as... expendable.
...and then I started
seeing Dave Peck.
Had a Thunderbird,
engine completely tricked out...
but the upholstery
was kind of shot.
So then I started
seeing his friend Mike.
Not the Mike
with the Mercedes.
The Mike with the Mustang...
An '82 V-6.
You know the look.
Angel!
Buddy!
Friend-buddy.
You wanna sit and talk?
I'm looking for Buffy.
Library last I saw.
Something's happening.
I've seen portents.
The apocalypse.
They're on top of it.
I don't think they know
what they're dealing with.
Let's go there...
and tell them that.
No. It's best
you stay out of harm's way.
But I can help.
Hey, you wanna go
for another drive?
You know, it's not like
I haven't helped before.
I've done some quality violence
for those people.
Do they even
think about that?
I mean...
they act like I'm
some sort of klutz.
[Metal Crunching]
Oh, God!
Are you all right?
Oh, God!
Stay calm.
Little fender bender.
It's not...
the end of the world.
He's cranky.
It's a good night for it.
Can't dogs sense when there's
an earthquake, and they bark?
Or cows lie down
or something?
"Sisterhood ofJhe."
"Race of female demons,
fierce warriors..."
Eww. "...celebrate victory
in battle by eating their foes."
They couldn't just pour Gatorade
on each other?
Wouldn't even take
my calls. Idiots.
- Anything useful in the books?
- Not wildly.
We still have the Books of Pherion
to go through.
I'm getting
itchy feet, Giles.
We don't turn up
something soon...
I'm gonna hit
the streets.
Maybe check out Willy's.
Fine.
Where are you going?
Um, to try and contact
the spirit guides.
They exist out of time,
but have knowledge of the future.
I have no idea if they will respond
to my efforts, but I have to try.
All we know is that the fate
of the entire world rests on it.
Did you eat
all the jellies?
- Did you want a jelly?
- I always have a jelly.
I'm always the one that says
"Let's have a jelly in the mix."
We're sorry. Buffy had 3.
No matter.
If Xander makes another run...
No. Xander's out of this.
He nearly got killed
last time we fought.
This whole thing will be easier
if we know he's safe.
Oh, gosh, Jack,
are... are you OK?
I am really sorry
about that...
but your car came
out of nowhere.
I was parked.
Exactly.
Look, I can cover the damages.
I don't have insurance
in the strictest sense of the word...
but I have
a little money.
The important thing
is that we're all right
and we can work this out
like two reasonable...
frontiersmen.
Where do you want it?
What?
Where do you want it?
I'm fairly certain
I don't want it at all...
but, uh, thank you.
Wow. Cool knife.
Yeah. Great knife.
Although I think
it may technically be a sword.
She's called "Katie."
You gave it
a girl's name.
How very serial killer
of you.
Listen, I think
we should be going.
Are you scared?
Would that
make you happy?
Your woman looking on,
you can't stand up to me?
Don't you feel pathetic?
Mostly I feel Katie.
You know what the difference
between you and me is?
Again... Katie's
springing to mind.
Fear.
Who has the least fear.
And it has
nothing to do
with who has
the big, sharp...
Come on.
I want to go
for a drive.
I'm bored.
Oh, gee, I'm really sorry
my life-and-death situation
isn't exciting enough
for you...
Hey!
What's going on?
Nothing. Just rasslin'.
O'Toole. Heh heh.
What a surprise.
He attack you?
No. Just
blowing off steam.
Two guys rasslin'.
But not in a gay way.
Do it somewhere else, huh?
What?
That was all right.
Could've narked on me.
Didn't do it.
That's decent of you.
I like you.
Yea?
You two wanna
have some fun?
Like, with driving?
Yeah.
What do you have
in mind?
I was on my way to get the boys.
Gonna cruise around.
We'll take your wheels.
What about your car?
It ain't mine.
Great. Where to?
Gonna get the boys!
Yeah.
So, where're the boys?
Jack: He calls forth
the spirit of Uurthu, the restless.
No one shall speak.
He shall arise!
Hear me. The blood of the earth
shall restore him...
and he shall arise.
Shall arise.
Buddy.
Bob...
you big, hideous corpse...
come here!
Aaah!
Ha ha ha ha!
I'll call ya!
Man, you raised me!
I told you Grandpappy
could work that mojo.
- Big Bob is back in action!
- Yes!
- D-aah!
- D-aah!
Oh, man, I can't believe
you raised me.
That is so awesome!
You're the coolest.
Maybe I should just let you guys
catch up.
Bob, this is Xander.
He's our wheel man.
Hey.
Howdy.
Dude, where are
the other guys?
We gotta go get 'em.
- Absolutely.
- All right.
Are, um...
Are all your friends dead?
Xander, let's roll.
How long I been down?
8 months. I had to wait
till the stars aligned.
8 months. I got some
catching up to do.
Walker, Texas Ranger...
You been taping 'em?
- Every ep.
- All right.
We're gonna get
the guys together...
and we're gonna party, man!
It's gonna be a night to remember!
Yeah!
I'm sensing that.
Jack: The blood of the earth
shall restore him...
and he shall arise.
Dudes!
Beer!
[Speaking Latin]
Giles, hey...
what's going on?
Oh, uh, I was just trying
to gain access to the spirit guides.
Not going very well,
I'm afraid.
What are you doing here?
Oh, we were just raising,
um... some heck.
Xander!
Let's go!
Listen, do you guys
need any help?
Hmm? Oh, no.
Thank you.
Probably best if you stay out
of trouble.
No chance of that.
Xander! Motor!
There's something...
different about this menace.
Something in the air...
the stench of death.
Yeah, I think it's Bob.
We may all be called upon
to fight when it happens.
When what happens,
exactly?
- Come on!
- I'd better go.
Hopefully, we shall have time
to prepare. All we need is a few weeks.
Tonight?
Before sunrise.
That's what they said.
Why did they do this?
They were looking for Angel.
Angel? Why?
Said they were coming
after you, too...
and nothing could stand in their way
because tonight was the night...
Oh, man.
The ambulance is on its way.
Look, kid, my clientele
ain't exactly
nuns and orphans...
but I never seen anything
like these demons.
I'm gonna stop them.
That hellmouth opens...
they're gonna be the least of
your problems is my train of thought.
If I were you...
I'd go find Angel...
go somewhere
quiet together.
I'd be thinking about how
I wanna spend my last night on Earth.
Let's get some beer!
Yeah!
Let's go
pick up some girls, man.
We'll hang out
at Taco Bell...
get some girls,
go cruise around.
I wanna bake a cake.
Hey, we need
some beers, though.
I can't believe you got shot, man.
Was it them Jackals?
Are you kidding?
We wiped them out
after they threw you
off the bridge.
Oh, man.
You guys are the best, man.
The best!
I mean that.
There's a liquor store.
Little Armenian guy
runs the place?
He had a gun
behind the counter.
Hey... we should
go kick his ass!
- Yeah!
- Yeaaaaah!
If you guys want me
to drop you off somewhere, that's...
Nah. You're with us now.
Yeah, you on the team now,
baby. Whoo-hoo!
What're we gonna do?
I've heard
some interesting suggestions...
but I'm gonna have to go with Dickie's.
Let's bake a cake.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Ha ha ha!
All right. You stay here
and keep the motor running.
This time of night,
I'm pretty sure nothing's open.
But they're always
open for crime.
OK... now
I'm involved in crime.
I'm the criminal element.
Having a car sure is cool.
Willow: Thank you.
Sorry to wake you.
Wil!
Xander, what are
you doing here?
Nothing.
Certainly not crime.
Wh-What about you?
I needed supplies for
a protection spell.
Buffy called from Angel's.
It's happening tonight.
And that thing that's happening
would be...?
I can't stay.
Buffy'll need this.
I love you, Xander.
OK, that's it.
I'm gonna...
Where you going?
Look, something's
just come up.
You gonna bail on me,
is that it?
- We got cake mix.
- Where you wanna bake it?
Xander's looking to leave.
No way.
We need a wheel man.
Xander doesn't feel like
he's part of the group.
No. It's just I'm kinda busy.
He doesn't feel
like part of the group
because he hasn't
been initiated.
Do you think he's ready?
I think he's earned his stripes.
I say we let him in, boys.
Great. I wanna be
in the gang, sure.
All right! Yeah.
- That's the spirit.
- Yeah.
What do I gotta do?
You gotta die.
All right, guys,
what...
Let's just talk about this.
You want to be part
of the gang now, don't you?
Yes, yes...
but I'm not dying
to be in the gang...
if you get the, um...
the pun there.
What, are you...
are you too good to be dead?
You got a problem
with dead people?
What aboutJack?
Jack's not dead.
[Jack Laughs]
Drive-by 3 weeks ago.
Oh, boy.
Grandpappy found my body.
I wasn't gone but 10 minutes
before he raised me.
It's a rush, man.
Let's kill Xander.
It'll be fun.
Yeah, man. You could be
a full-fledged member.
Come on, Xander.
Take it like a man.
All right. Enough.
You guys have had your fun...
but you forgot
about one thing.
Get him!
Rrr. Damn him!
There goes the wheels.
He took all our stuff, man.
I want to bake a cake.
It's all right.
We'll get more.
The night is young.
I'd say that's pretty much
enough excitement
for one evening.
Aah. Ooh.
Get in!
Rrr!
You think demon mama
followed us?
No, we're cool.
The bitch dislocated
my shoulder, though.
Hold me.
That's better.
She got me
really wound up.
A fight like that
and no kill...
I'm about ready to pop.
Really?
Pop?
You up for it?
Oh, I'm up.
I'm suddenly very up.
It's just, um...
I've never been up
with people before.
Just relax...
and take your pants off.
Those two concepts
are antithetical.
Don't worry.
I'll steer you
around the curves.
Did I mention that I'm having
a very strange night?
That was great.
I got to shower.
I've never seen him
like this.
It's the hellmouth.
He can sense it's going to open.
Be ready just in case.
Now, don't hesitate.
Do it.
Now, Oz...
[Growls]
Again!
Ah.
We've got to move him
before he wakes up.
Sorry.
I hope you're not mad at me
in the morning.
Hey.
They're not baking
any cake.
Long gone.
Probably loaded with supplies.
Got to think.
I can't believe
I had sex.
OK. Bombs.
Already-dead guys
with bombs.
Oh, man.
I'm out of my league.
Buffy will know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
Then let me
decide for you.
- I can face this thing.
- You can't.
Look, I can at least
buy you enough time
for Willow's spell
to bind it.
Buffy, this is worse
than anything we've ever faced.
Honey,
it's the only way.
I can't watch you die
again.
I love you.
I love you.
Nothing can change that.
Not even death.
Don't talk to me like that.
You may be ready to go...
but I am not ready
to lose you.
OK, this is my fight...
and if you won't do it
my way, then you're...
[Throat Clears]
Hey.
I've got this, um...
There's this, uh...
It's probably a bad time.
Can I help?
OK.
OK, I can work this out.
I just got to figure out
what they'd
be likely to bomb.
Giles: Terra, vente,
ignis et pluvia.
Cuncta quattuor numina...
vos obsecro.
Defendete nos
a recente malo resoluto.
OK.
Oz is moved.
He could barely walk
after that mickey I gave him...
but we made it.
Is he going to be
all right there?
Anywhere is safer
than here.
Help me
with the candles.
We're doing
the binding spell
from the Hebron's Almanac?
Yes, but once it's ready...
you're to stay back
and let me finish the recitation.
Don't argue.
I want you safe.
Who knows what's going
to come up from beneath us.
[Laughter]
Whoo!
[Laughs]
This is going
to be large.
Oh, yeah.
[Laughs]
Giles will know what to do.
He's way more calm
than Buffy.
[Laughing]
OK, I need a plan.
Hey, our wheels.
[Laughs]
Hey. Hey. Hey!
- Stop. Come on, man. Stop.
- Where's the bomb?
It's in the high school.
In the school where?
Oh, God.
This really, really hurts.
Stop!
It's in the... It's
in the boiler room.
All right.
Now I'm going
to ask you this once...
and you better pray
you get the answer right.
OK, OK.
How do I defuse...
Aah!
I probably should've
left out that whole middle part.
He's headed
for the school!
There he is!
Where's a slayer
when you need one?
Oh, my God.
It's grown.
Wow.
Jack: Come on, man!
Bob: Which way?
He couldn't have
gotten far.
Let's split up.
Good for chopping.
Now, this is what
I call fun.
Should've learned by now.
If you're gonna play with fire...
you gotta expect
sooner or later...
I wasn't finished!
Note to self: Less talk.
Faith, go for the heart!
[Screaming]
OK, boiler room.
Other way.
Hello, nasty.
Less than 2 minutes.
Dumb guy. Little bomb.
How hard can it be?
It just got harder.
I'm not leaving till
that thing's disarmed.
I guess you're not leaving.
I'm gonna carve you up
and serve you with gravy.
You piss me off, boy.
Now you pay the price.
First the eyes,
then the tongue.
I'm gonna break every
one of your fingers.
You gonna do all that
in 49 seconds?
I know what you're thinkin'.
Can I get by him?
Get up the stairs,
out of the building?
Seconds ticking away.
I don't love your chances.
Then you'll die too.
Yeah, looks like.
So I guess the question
really is...
Who has less fear?
I'm not afraid to die.
I'm already dead.
Yeah, but this is different.
Being blowed up isn't walking around
and drinking with your buddies dead.
It's little bits being
swept up by a janitor dead...
and I don't think
you're ready for that.
Are you?
I like the quiet.
Omnia...
vasa...
veritatis!
Now, Buffy!
Good boy.
I don't think I wanna be seeing you
on campus anymore, Jack.
I'm not going
anywhere, Harris.
The first time
you turn your back...
Aah!
Even after the hellmouth
was closed...
we could still
hear it screaming.
But Angel's gonna be OK?
He was only out
for a few minutes.
Longest of my life.
I will never forget
that thing's face.
Its real face, I mean.
Giles: Yes.
I don't know
how you managed.
It was the bravest thing
I've ever seen.
Stupidest.
But the world
continues to turn.
No one will ever know
how close it came
to stopping.
Never know what we did.
Guys.
Oz: Hey.
Xander. Boy, you're lucky
you weren't at school last night.
It was crazed.
Well, uh,
give me the quiet life.
I'm gonna grab a snack.
Anyone want?
No, thank you.
Oz?
No. Oddly full today.
OK.
Ooh, look,
it's Mr. Excitement.
On another life-or-death
doughnut mission...
or are we just cruising
for bimbos again...
giving them lessons
in lack of cool?
What?
What?
What?