Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1996–2003): Season 2, Episode 3 - School Hard - full transcript

In every generation there is a Chosen One,

She alone will stand against the vampires,
the demons and the forces of darkness,

She is the Slayer,

A lot of educators tell students
"Think of your principal as your pal."

I say "Think of me as your judge,
jury and executioner."

Tell me, who do you think is the most
troublesome student in this school?

Well, it is quite a match between you two.

On the one hand, Buffy hasn't stabbed
a horticulture teacher with a trowel.

I didn't stab anyone with a trowel.
They were pruning shears.

On the other hand, Sheila has
never burnt down a school building.

Well, that was never proven. The fire
marshal said it coulda been mice.



Mice that were smoking?

The two of you seem to be tied
in the class-cutting and fight-starting events.

- It's quite exciting.
- What does the winner get?

Expelled.

Thursday is parent-teacher night.

Your parents, assuming you have any...

..will meet your teachers,
assuming you have any left.

I've decided to put the two of you
in charge of this event.

You have three days
to prepare refreshments, make banners...

..and transform the school lounge
into a habitable place for adults.

This will incur my goodwill and may affect
what I tell your parents when I meet them.

- Are we clear?
- I'm clear.

Don't you feel clear?

- We're very clear.
- Good.



Because you mess up this time and your
parents will be cleaning out your lockers.

It shouldn't be that hard. We can
work on the banners at lunch tomorrow.

Yeah, sure. Whatever. Hey, meat pie!

- Snyder's got you makin' party favours, huh?
- His two worst students.

That's what my mom sees
when she looks at me. A Sheila.

Sheila's definitely intense.
That's the guy she can bring home to Mother.

She was already smoking in fifth grade.
Once I was lookout for her.

- You're bad to the bone.
- I'm a rebel.

It's not fair. I'm a slayer. It requires
a certain amount of cutting and fighting.

- What's Sheila's excuse?
- Homework. She won't do it.

Most teachers respect that.

Keep away any sharp implements
when you're with her.

Do you think any other slayers
had to go to high school?

You'll have a nice soiree. As long as nothing
bad happens until then, you'll be fine.

Are you crazy?
Now something bad is gonna happen.

- Nothing's gonna happen.
- Not until some dummy says what you said.

- It's the ultimate jinx.
- What were you thinking?

Or were you even thinking at all?

Well, you guys don't know.
Maybe this time it'll be different.

Home sweet home.

The Master is dead.
Someone has to take his place.

As long as the Slayer's alive, whoever
takes his place will be sharing his grave.

Then let the soul who kills her
wear his mantle.

Can you do it?

Yes.

This weekend, the Night of St Vigeous...

..our power shall be at its peak.

When I kill her, it'll be
the greatest event since the Crucifixion.

And I should know. I was there.

You were there?

Please! If every vampire who said he was
at the Crucifixion was actually there...

..it would have been like Woodstock.

I oughta rip your throat out.

I was actually at Woodstock.

That was a weird gig.

I fed off a flower person, and I spent
the next six hours watchin' my hand move.

So, who do you kill for fun around here?

- Who are you?
- Spike.

You're that Anointed guy. I've read about you.

You've got slayer problems.
That's a bad piece of luck.

Do you know what I find works real good
with slayers? Killing them.

- Can you?
- A lot faster than nancy boy there.

Yeah, I did a couple of slayers in my time.
I don't like to brag.

Who am I kidding? I love to brag.

There was this one slayer
during the Boxer Rebellion, and...

Drusilla.

You shouldn't be walking around.
You're weak.

Look at all the people.

- Are these nice people?
- We're gettin' along.

This one has power.

I could feel it from the outside.

Yeah. He's the big noise in these parts.
Anointed, and all that.

Do you like daisies?

I plant them but they always die.

Everything I put in the ground
withers and dies.

Spike? I'm cold.

I got you.

I'm a princess.

That's what you are.

Me and Dru, we're movin' in.

Now... Any of you want to test who's got
the biggest wrinklies round here...

..step on up.

I'll do your slayer for you.

But you keep your flunkies from
tryin' anything behind my back. Deal?

I can't see her. The Slayer... I can't see.

It's dark where she is.

Kill her. Kill her, Spike.

- Kill her for me?
- It's done, baby.

Kill her for Princess?

I'll chop her into messes.

You are my sweet.

My little Spike.

So, how about this slayer?

Is she tough?

What's wrong?

I spent a good part of my allowance on this
cream rinse, and it's neither creamy nor rinsy.

- Life is hard, dear.
- Don't I know it.

- Is that a split end?
- I got the mail.

- Good.
- A reminder about parent-teacher night.

- Thursday.
- Less good.

Which you were planning on
telling me about...?

Oh, for... the last two weeks.

Uh-huh. So, what do you think
your teachers are gonna tell me about you?

Well, I think they'll all agree...

..that I always bring a pen to class,
ready to absorb their knowledge.

This absorption rate. How is it
reflected in your homework and test scores?

What can you tell about
a person from a test score?

- Whether she'll ever see her friends again.
- Oh, that.

- I look forward to meeting your principal.
- Won't that be something.

Look, sweetheart.

Life is more than grades, and homework,
and not getting kicked out of school.

But we moved once
because of you getting in trouble...

..and I had to start a new business, not
to mention a new life, in a whole new town.

And you don't want to do it again.

What I don't want is to be
disappointed in you again.

Mom, that's the last thing that I want, too.

I'm trying, I really am. I just...
I have a lot of pressure on me right now.

Wait till you get a job.

Sleep tight.

I have a job.

Sheila's a no-show?

She goes to this really rank bar,
the Fish Tank.

Sometimes they have raids,
and other stuff that could make you tardy.

Could you help me
cram some French tonight?

I don't want Mr DeJean
telling my mother I'm an imbecile.

I thought we were going to the Bronze.
You thought Angel might show?

He'll meet some other nice girl.
Studying comes first.

We're going to the Bronze.

I can study, and party, and do parent-
teacher night, as long as I don't have to...

- Buffy!
- ..fight vampires.

There is nothing in the Chronicles
about an extraneous lunar cycle.

The Order never accurately calculated
the Mesopotamian calendar.

- Read something published after 1066.
- Very funny.

What's the up, guys?

Miss Calendar has been
surfing on her computer...

..and, according to her,
this Saturday is the Night of St Vigeous.

Let me guess.
He didn't make balloon animals.

No, he led a crusade of... of vampires.

They swept through Edessa,
Haran, and points east.

- And didn't leave much behind.
- If I survive parent-teacher night...

..I'll see what I can do about Saturday.

You're being a tad flip, don't you think?
This is serious.

And getting kicked out of school
is laughs aplenty?

You know what happens when you let
your life interfere with your slaying.

Well, if my slaying doesn't get me expelled,
I promise banner-making won't get me killed.

- Just let me get through this week.
- Saturday needs a great deal of preparation.

- Well, we'll help.
- Yeah. I'll whittle stakes.

- I can research stuff.
- And while I'm whittling...

..I plan to whistle a jaunty tune.

Your help will be greatly appreciated.

But Buffy must fight alone.
You are, after all, the Slay...

Ssslave...

Slaves. You're all slaves
to the, uh... television.

- Yes.
- Young people nowadays. Shall we go?

You wouldn't be helping Buffy
in Sheila's place, would you?

- No.
- We're hindering.

She ditched.

Mmm. I feel an expulsion coming on.

No, actually, Sheila's
been helping us for hours.

She just went out
to get some more... paint.

Oh! Oh, is there no more teal in the art room?

I know you wanted everything to be perfect,
but let's go with what we have.

Just make sure
everything is perfect on Thursday.

Thanks for covering.
The guy's a serious rodent.

No problem.

Did you really burn down
a school building one time?

Well... not actually one time.

Cool.

# A drink you can't resist

# And in your head...

La v?che doit me touche...

..de la... jeudi,

- Was it wrong? Should I use the plural?
- No, but...

You said "The cow should
touch me from Thursday."

- Maybe that's what I was feeling.
- Then you said it wrong.

Oh, je stink.

You're just not focused. It's Angel missage.

Well, he didn't say for sure. It was
a "Maybe see you there" kind of deal.

Guys, I'm all alone out there.
Dance with me.

- Well, we are studying.
- One dance.

- You've been studying nearly 12 minutes.
- No wonder my brain's fried.

Come on.

# I-hi-hi... did a stupid thing last night

# I called you

# A moment of weakness

# No, not a moment,
more like three months of weakness

# I'm one step away
from crashin' to my knees

# One step away
from spillin' my guts to you...

Go get something to eat.

Where's the phone? I need to call the police.
There's some big guy tryin' to bite someone.

- Slayer.
- Slayee.

Get her out of here!

And a stake would be nice!

I don't need to wait for St Vigeous.

You're mine.

Spike! Give me a hand.

Buffy!

Nice work, love.

- Who are you?
- You'll find out on Saturday.

What happens on Saturday?

I kill you.

All right. Which one's Dwayne
and which one's Dell? Don't tell me.

Dell's the one with the tattoos.

You guys weren't lyin'
about havin' a Cadillac, were you?

Cos I'm crazy about a Cad.

Just the feel of the leather makes me wanna...

Where'd you go?

What's going on?

Where are you guys?

Not funny.

- Who are you?
- Who do you want me to be?

- Did you see...
- Those two losers...

..who thought they were
good enough for you?

- What happened to 'em?
- They got sleepy.

- Huh?
- And you...

..got something a whole lot better.

Hey! Wait up.

What's your name?

Spike... That's what
the other vampire called him?

- That's a little unorthodox, isn't it?
- Maybe he's Reform.

Perhaps he went by another name
in... times past.

Well, whoever he is,
we'll need all the help we can get.

So, this Night of St Vigeous deal.

If they're gonna attack in force,
aren't we thinking "vacation"?

That would be wrong. Could we hide?

I mean, if that Spike guy
is leading the attack...

He can't be any worse
than any other creature.

He's worse.

Once he starts something, he doesn't stop
until everything in his path is dead.

Hm. So he's thorough, goal-oriented.

We were at the Bronze before.
Thought you said you might show.

You said you weren't sure if you were goin'.

I was being cool. Come on. You've been
dating for what, like 200 years?

You don't know what a girl means
when she says "Maybe"?

Wow. Two centuries of dating.

If you only had two a year, that's still
like 400 dates with 400 different...

Why do they call it a mace?

We do have slightly
more urgent matters to discuss.

Like keeping my mom
away from Snyder tomorrow night.

And not dying Saturday.

Angel, do you know if this Spike fellow
goes under any other name?

OK, that's it. I'm puttin' a collar
with a little bell on that guy.

St Vigeous,
you who murdered so many...

..we beseech you,
cleanse us of our weaknesses.

Mercy, compassion, pity...

Miss Edith speaks out of turn.

She's a bad example,
and will have no cakes today.

- Darling, are you going to eat something?
- I'm not hungry.

- I miss Prague.
- You nearly died in Prague.

Idiot mob.

This is the place for us.

The Hellmouth will restore you...

..put colour in your cheeks,
metaphorically speaking...

..and in a few weeks' time...

The stars will align and smile down on us.

And then... God, this town will burn.

A pretty fire.

- They're preparing.
- St Vigeous is coming up. Should be a party.

- You should go up with them and cleanse.
- Dru...

The boy doesn't trust you. They follow him.

I think sometimes that
all my hair will fall out and I'll be bald.

Never happen.

All right, I'll go up
and get chanty with the fellas.

But you got to do me one favour.

Eat something.

You see, Miss Edith? If you'd been good,
you could watch with the rest.

"For three nights the unholy ones
scourge themselves into a fury...

..culminating in a savage attack
on the Night of St Vigeous."

Remember when Saturday night
meant date night?

- You sure don't.
- Parents start arriving in an hour.

OK. So, banners are in place,
the lounge is comfy.

- What am I forgetting?
- Punch?

- Punch! I need punch!
- My fingers are cramping.

- How long have I been doing this?
- Three minutes.

Can I go now?
She doesn't need this many stakes.

If this guy Spike is as mean as you said,
it should be over pretty quickly.

We're still all rooting for you on Saturday.
I'd be there myself if I didn't have a leg wax.

You guys hold down the fort.
I'm punchbound.

No.

- What kind of punch did you make?
- Lemonade. I made it fresh.

How much sugar did you use?

Sugar?

It's very good.

OK. Now all I have to do is keep
my mother and Snyder from crossing paths.

- Mrs Summers.
- Hi, Willow. Hi, honey.

- Did you, uh... do all this?
- Yeah. Um... Here. Have some lemonade.

Right after Willow shows you the library.
I have to stay here and hostess.

Right, the library. Uh...
Oh, no. Giles and everyone...

Is locked in there studying.
Right. French class it is.

- Was that your mother?
- Here... Oh!

Oh, sorry! Um... Yeah.

I was gonna introduce you,
but she wouldn't have said much.

She doesn't speak a word of English.

Giles has us locked in there
working on your weapons.

Even slaves get minimum wage.

- What?
- You're starting to look a little slagged.

What, are you just
skipping foundation entirely now?

Cordelia, I have at least three lives
to contend with, none of which mesh.

It's kind of like oil, and water,
and a... third unmeshable thing.

Yeah. And I can see the oil.

Is that your mom? Now that is a woman
that knows how to moisturise.

Did it, like, skip a generation?

Well, I believe that I have seen
every classroom on campus.

And, just as I get there, all your teachers
miraculously have stepped out.

But you haven't seen the boiler room.

And that's really interesting, what with
the boiler being in the room and all.

Hi. I'm Joyce Summers. I'm Buffy's mother.

Principal Snyder.

I'm afraid we need to talk.
My office is down here.

- He didn't look very happy.
- But you did such a good job.

- When they're done talking...
- What?

My guess? Tenth high-school reunion?
You'll still be grounded.

Cordelia. Have some lemonade.

Oh, there you are.

There who is?

Our new friend Spike.

He's known as William the Bloody.

Earned his nickname by torturing his victims
with railroad spikes. Very pleasant.

Oh, here's some good news. He's barely 200.
He's not even as old as Angel is.

- Oh...
- That's a bad look, right?

I think your suggestion of running away
this Saturday might have been a good one.

Spike has fought two slayers
in the last century, and...

..he's killed them both.

In the car - now.

What can I say?

I couldn't wait.

Nobody gets out, especially the girl!

Everybody this way. Come on! Come on!!

Hey!

- What the hell...?
- It's Spike and his army! Look out!

Get back!

In here! Now!

- We cut the power. Nobody got out.
- And the Slayer?

She either went that way... or that way.
I saw two others.

You don't know?

I'm a veal kind of guy. You're too old to eat.

But not to kill.

I feel better.

They've cut the phones.

Wait a minute. There's a boarded-up cellar
behind the stacks. You can get out that way.

Find Angel. We need him.

Not until I know
Buffy and Willow are all right.

No one will be all right
unless we get some help.

- Who are those people? What do they want?
- Is something wrong with their faces?

Yes! PCP.

- It's a gang on PCP. We've got to get out.
- You can't go outside. They'll kill you.

- You don't tell me. I tell you,
- They will kill everybody in this room.

Nobody goes out, nobody comes in
until I say so. Do you hear me?

Who do you think you are?

I'm the one that knows how to stop them.

Are you crazy? I know you've been accused
of fighting, but those guys are serious.

- You can't go out there.
- I know. That's why I'm going up there.

Don't worry, Mom.

Slayer?

Here, kitty, kitty.

I find one of your friends first,
I'm gonna suck 'em dry.

And use their bones to bash your head in.

Are you getting a word picture here?

Oh God! Oh God!

Spike!

Listen.

Someone's in the ceiling...

Hey! What are you doing?
There are three vampires out there.

God only knows
how many others in the building.

I am the Watcher.
I am responsible for her, and I have to go.

Rupert?

- Be careful.
- Push these back as soon as I...

Buffy! You're all right.

- How are the others?
- Snyder, my mother and four others...

..are locked in the science room.

Willow and Cordelia ran the other way.
I don't know if they're...

- Where's Xander?
- He got out. He's getting Angel.

Good. OK. I'm gonna
take the vamps out in the hall.

Get my mom and the others
out the same way.

- Let me help you.
- Giles, my mother's in that room.

If I don't make it,
I know you'll make sure she does.

Bloody right I will.
Fair enough. What's your plan?

Well, they split up to hold us here,
so I'm gonna take 'em one on one.

Set 'em up, and knock 'em down.

Watch your back.

- Why don't you sit down?
- This is my school.

What I say goes,
and I say this is not happening.

- Well, then, I guess the danger's over.
- I'm not waiting for them.

- I'm gettin' out!
- Don't be an idiot.

I'm beginning to see a certain
mother-daughter resemblance.

- No! Look, you heard what Buffy said.
- She's a student. What does she know?

The, uh... door is solid.

Use your head.

You! Come with me.

I did it!

You know a lot about this Spike guy
so, um... you got a plan?

Good plan.

- I think he's gone.
- He could come back.

What are we gonna do?

Pray?

Hey! Guard the door. I'm almost in.

- Buffy, are you OK?
- I'm fine, Mom.

Buffy, get out of here, OK?
We'll be all right.

Look, just hang on for one more minute
until I tell you to open the door.

Sheila! Where have you been?

Sorry I'm late.
There's some really weird guys outside.

Sh! Yeah, I know. They're trying to kill us.

This should be fun.

- Angelus!
- Spike.

I'll be damned!

I taught you to always guard your perimeter.
You should have someone out there.

I did. I'm surrounded by idiots.

- What's new with you?
- Everything.

- Come up against this slayer yet?
- She's cute.

Not too bright, though.
Gave the puppy-dog, "I'm all tortured" act.

Keeps her off my back when I feed.

People still fall for that
Anne Rice routine? What a world!

I knew you were lyin'. Undead liar guy!

Wanna bite before we kill her? Hm?

Stay behind me.

Buffy, look out!

Mom, now! Come on, let's go.

- Get them out.
- You're coming too.

- In a minute. Go!
- Buffy!

Haven't seen you
in the killing fields for an age.

- I'm not much for company.
- No, you never were.

- So, why are you so scared of this slayer?
- Scared?

Yeah. Time was you would have taken her
out in a heartbeat. Now look at you.

I mean, this... tortured thing
is an act, right? You're not housebroken?

I saw her kill the Master.

Hey, you think you can take her alone?

Be my guest. I'll just feed and run.

Don't be silly. We're old friends.

We'll do it together. Let's drink to it.

You think you can fool me?

You were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda!

- Things change.
- Not us! Not demons.

Man, I can't believe this! You Uncle Tom!

Come on, people! This isn't a spectator sport.

Fee, fi, fo, fum.

I smell the blood of a nice, ripe... girl.

- Do we really need weapons for this?
- I just like them.

They make me feel all manly.

The last slayer I killed...

She begged for her life.

You don't strike me as the begging kind.

You shouldn't have come here.

No. I messed up your doilies and stuff.

But I just got so bored.

I'll tell you what. As a personal favour
from me to you, I'll make it quick.

- It won't hurt a bit.
- No, Spike. It's gonna hurt a lot.

Come on, everyone. This way.

Now that hurt.

But not as much as this will.

You get the hell away from my daughter.

Women!

Nobody lays a hand on my little girl.

Take care of this.

- Hello, Bob.
- It's over. They all got away.

I got a body inside, and I got
another one on the south lawn.

- Looks like he was pulled through a window.
- I told him not to go through that window.

Well, another wonderful fun-filled evening.

Yes... You know, um... I will understand
if you decide to start avoiding me.

So when you gave him my neck to chew on,
why didn't you clock him?

I couldn't make the first move.
I had to see if he was buying it or not.

- And if he bit me? What then?
- We would have known he bought it.

What's the deal with you
being Spike's sire? What's a sire?

I need to say something to the media people.

- So?
- So, do you want the usual story?

- Gang-related? PCP?
- What'd you have in mind? The truth?

Right...

Gang-related. PCP.

So... What did you
and Principal Snyder talk about, anyway?

Principal Snyder said
you were a troublemaker.

And I could care less. I have
a daughter who can take care of herself.

Who's brave, and resourceful,
and thinks of others in a crisis.

No matter who you hang out with or what
dumb stuff you think you need to do...

..I'm gonna sleep better knowing all that.

But how long till this wears off
and you start ragging on me again?

- At least a week and a half.
- Very cool.

And if you get me out of this, I swear
I'll never be mean to anyone ever again.

Unless they really deserve it.
Or if it's that time of the month.

In which case I don't think you
or anyone else can hold me responsible.

- Ask for some aspirin.
- And can you please send some asp... Hey!

- Spike, did she hurt you?
- It was close, baby, but...

Aw. Come here.

A slayer with family and friends.
That sure as hell wasn't in the brochure.

You'll kill her. And then
we'll have a nice celebration.

- Yeah. A party.
- Yeah. With streamers, and songs.

- How's the Annoying One?
- He doesn't wanna play.

It figures.

Well, I suppose I'd better go make nice.

- You failed.
- I, um... I offer penance.

Penance? You should lay down your life.

Our numbers are depleted. The Feast of St
Vigeous has been ruined by your impatience!

I was rash.

And if I had to do it all over again...

Who am I kidding?

I would do it exactly the same...

..only I'd do this first.

No!

From now on...

..we're gonna have a little less ritual...

..and a little more fun around here.

Let's see what's on TV.