Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1996–2003): Season 2, Episode 2 - Some Assembly Required - full transcript

In every generation, there is a Chosen One,

She alone will stand against the vampires,
the demons and the forces of darkness,

She is the Slayer,

Come on, Stephan, rise and shine. Some
of us have a ton of trig homework waiting.

Hey.

- Is this a bad time?
- Don't sneak up on people in a graveyard.

You make noise when you walk.
You stomp or... yodel.

- I heard you were on the hunt.
- I'm supposed to be, but...

..lazybones doesn't wanna come out.

When you first wake up,
it's a little disorienting. He'll show.

- It's weird to think of you going through that.
- It's weird to go through.



So, uh, you're here alone?

- Yeah. Why?
- I thought you'd have somebody with you.

- Xander, or someone.
- Xander?

- Or someone.
- Nope.

Why? Are you jealous?

- Of Xander? Please! He's just a kid.
- Is it cos I danced with him?

"Danced with" is a loose term.
"Mated with" might be closer.

Don't you think you're being a little unfair?

It was one dance, which I only did to make
you crazy, by the way. Behold my success.

- I am not jealous!
- What, vampires don't get jealous?

Whenever we fight,
you bring up the vampire thing.

I didn't come here to fight.

Oh, right, I did!

- Where's my stake? I know I had a stake!
- I didn't see a stake.



What d'you mean, he's just a kid?
Does that mean I'm just a kid, too?

Look, obviously I made
a mistake coming here tonight.

Oh, no, you don't. You can't just turn
and walk away from me like that.

It takes more than that to get rid of me.

You OK?

I'm fine.

I wish people wouldn't leave
open graves laying around like this.

So... another vampire has risen tonight.

I don't think so. Look at those tracks.

Whoever was buried here
didn't rise from this grave.

She was dragged from it.

W-w-what I'm proposing is,
and I don't mean to appear indecorous...

..is-is, um, a-a social engagement,
a-a date, if you're amenable.

You idiot!

Boy, I guess we never realised
how much you like that chair.

- I-I was just working on...
- Your pickup lines?

Um... in a manner of speaking, yes.

Then if you don't mind a little
Gene and Roger, leave off the "idiot" part.

Being called an idiot tends
to take people out of the dating mood.

It actually kinda turns me on.

I fear you.

You also might wanna avoid words
like "amenable" and "indecorous".

- Speak English, not whatever they speak in...
- England?

Yeah. You just say "I got a thing. You maybe
have a thing. Maybe we could have a thing".

- Thank you, Cyrano.
- I'm not finished.

- Then say "How d'you feel about Mexican?"
- About Mexicans?

Mexican. Food.

- You take her for food, for which you pay.
- Oh, right.

So this chair-woman?
We are talking Ms Calendar, right?

- What makes you think that?
- Simple deduction.

Ms Calendar is dollsome,
especially for someone in your age bracket.

She knows you're a librarian, so no need
to break that embarrassing news to her.

And she's the only woman we've seen
speak to you. Add it up, it all spells "Duh".

Now, is it time to talk about the facts of life?

You know, this is none of your business.

Cos that whole stork thing is a smoke screen.

So, how did things go last night?
Did Mr Korshak show up on schedule?

- More or less. Angel and I took care of him.
- Angel.

There's something else.

We found an empty grave.

- Another vampire?
- No. It was dug up and the body taken out.

Graverobbing? That's new. Interesting.

I know you meant to say
gross and disturbing.

Yes, yes, of course. Terrible thing.
Must put a stop to it. Damn it.

So, why does someone
want to dig up graves?

I'll collate some theories. It would help
if we knew who the body belonged to.

- Meredith Todd. Ring a bell?
- No.

- She died recently. She was our age.
- Drawin' a blank.

Why don't we ask Willow to fire
this "thing" up, and track Meredith down?

- Smile.
- Hey!

- Oh, look at those legs.
- No, thank you.

Eric, will you knock it off?

- Hey, Chris.
- Hey.

Oh, I was just wondering
what you were gonna do this year.

- Why?
- Cos every year you win and I play second...

..so I just thought I'd see what I'm up against.

You know the key? If Dr Clark
doesn't understand your experiment...

..he gives you higher marks so it looks like
he understands your experiment.

"Effects of Subviolet Light
Spectrum Depravation...

..on the Development of Fruit Flies"?
That should do the trick!

OK, I'm doing this under protest.

It is not fair they are making participation
in the science fair mandatory.

No one should have to do anything
educational in school, if they don't want to.

"The Tomato: Fruit or Vegetable?"

I wanted to do something
I could finish in a weekend.

- Stop it! We are under fluorescent lights!
- The camera loves you.

I didn't think yearbook nerds
came out of hibernation till spring.

- It's for my private collection.
- Eric, will you quit it?

Coming through. Sorry.

- Sorry to interrupt, but it's the Batsignal.
- OK.

- See you later, Chris. Thanks for the tip.
- OK.

Cordelia's so fine.
You know, she'd be just perfect for us.

Don't be an idiot. She's alive.

Shouldn't take long.
I'm the only girl in school...

..who has the coroner's office
bookmarked as a favourite place.

Sorry to interrupt your undead playgroup, but
I need Willow's help on my science project.

- It's a fruit.
- I would've asked Chris to help me...

..but then that would've brought back
too many memories of Daryl.

I found it! Meredith Todd died
in a car accident last week.

Of course, I have learnt to deal with my pain.

- How was her neck?
- Fine, except for being broken.

Hello! Can we deal with my pain, please?

There, there.

It says that Meredith and two other girls
in the car were killed instantly.

They were all on the Fondren High
Pep Squad, on the way to a game.

You know what this means?

Fondren might beat Sunnydale
in the body-count competition?

It wasn't vampires.
Somebody did dig up her corpse.

Eww! Why is it that every conversation
you have has the word "corpse" in it?

We got a body snatcher.
What does that mean?

Here's what I've found. Demons who eat
the flesh of the dead to absorb their souls.

Or it could obviously be
a voodoo practitioner.

You mean, making a zombie?

Uh, zombies, For most traditional purposes,
a voodoo priest would require more than one.

We should see if the other girls
in the accident are AWOL, too.

We can figure out this creep
if we know if he deals in volume.

- So we dig up some graves tonight?!
- Oh, boy, a field trip! You gonna call Angel?

- I don't think so.
- Yeah, why bother him, huh?

Ange and I have been... Never mind.

As far as he's concerned, I have the night off.

So we're set then.
Say nine-ish? BYO shovel.

And I'll pack some food.
Who else likes powdered doughnuts?

- Hey!
- Cordelia?

Darn, I have cheerleader practice tonight.

I wish I knew you'd be digging up
dead people sooner. I'd have cancelled.

But if you come across the army of zombies,
can you page us before they eat your flesh?

- Xander?
- Huh?

Zombies don't eat the flesh of the living.

Yeah, I knew that.
But did you see the look on her face?

I couldn't believe Angel. He was acting
all jealous and he wouldn't even admit it.

- Jealous of what?
- Of Xander.

Because you did that sexy dance with him?

- Am I ever gonna live that down?
- Nope.

Anyway, he was being totally irrational.

- Love makes you do the wacky.
- That's the truth.

This might go faster
if you fems picked up a shovel, too.

- Hear, hear!
- Sorry, but I'm an old-fashioned gal.

I was raised to believe that men dig up
the corpses and women have the babies.

Speaking of the wacky, what was Cordelia's
riff about painful memories? Who's Daryl?

Daryl Epps. Chris's older brother.

He was a big football star.
All-state two years ago.

He was a running...

He was a running...
Someone who runs and catches.

- Was he a studly?
- Big time. All the girls were crazy for him.

And he broke Cordy's heart?
Thus possibly proving its existence.

He died. Rock climbing,
or something. He fell.

Man, that's lousy. Poor Chris.

Ever since then, Chris has been real quiet,
kind of in his own world.

Their mother doesn't even
leave the house any more.

I think we're there.

By the way, are we hoping
to find a body, or no body?

Call me an optimist, but I'm hoping
to find a fortune in gold doubloons.

Um, body would mean flesh-eating demon.

No body would point towards the army
of zombies thing. Take your pick.

Right then, go on.

- You're closer.
- Pathetic much?

Move over.

Guys, if we don't get this down by tomorrow,
no one's gonna be led by our cheers.

- Practise.
- OK.

See you later.

Hello?

Xander Harris, if this is some kind of joke...

Cordelia. This is the last place
I expected you to hang out.

Oh, God.

- God, it's you. Why were you following me?
- I wasn't sure it was you at first.

- I'm looking for Buffy.
- Buffy?

Well, she's, uh, big shock,
she's at the graveyard.

- She said she'd be home.
- She lied. Isn't she a rascal?

Well, you're in luck.
It just so happens that my night is free.

Oh, hold on. My skirt is caught.

There.

Both coffins empty makes three
girls signed up for the army of zombies.

- Is it an army if you just have three?
- Zombie drill team then.

You're back.

- Angel.
- Xander.

- Angel.
- I thought you took the night off?

I did, but something came up.

- Cordelia told me the truth.
- That's gotta be a first.

Um, as long as you're here,
perhaps you could be of some help. Hm?

We were investigating. Somebody's
been digging up the bodies of dead girls.

I know. We found some of them.

- You mean, like, two of the three?
- I mean, like, some of them. Like parts.

It was horrible. Angel saved me from an arm.
God, there were so many parts everywhere.

Why are terrible things
always happening to me?

- Karma.
- So much for our zombie theory.

- So much for all our theories.
- I don't get it.

Why go to the trouble to dig up
three girls, only to throw them away?

It doesn't make sense, especially
from a time-management standpoint.

What I saw didn't add up to three whole girls.

- I think they kept some parts.
- Could this get yuckier?

- They probably kept them to eat.
- Question answered.

Why dispose of the remains five miles from
the cemetery, at a school, of all places?

Maybe because whoever did it had some
business in the neighbourhood, like classes.

This was no hatchet job. Whoever made
those incisions knew what they were doin'.

Yes, really. What student here
is that well-versed in physiology?

I can think of five or six guys
in the science club. And me.

So, Will, come clean. Promise to
never do it again, and we'll call it a night.

He joked!

Willow, get these guys' locker numbers.

No. I have to go home now.
I have to take a bath and burn my clothes.

You have to go?
Ah, too bad. Keep in touch. Bye-bye.

I don't wanna go alone. I'm still fragile.

Can you take me?

Great. I'll drive.

How about that? I always pegged him
as a one-woman vampire.

I'm going out, Mom.

I'll be back later, OK?

Mom?

Daryl! Daryl! Daryl!

In my capacity as school official, this search
is unauthorised. I cannot condone it.

Fine, your butt's covered.
Wanna grab a locker?

Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

OK, Eric, let's see
what's on your annoying little mind.

Nothing in here but back issues
of Scientific American,

Ooh, I haven't read this one.

Nothing remarkable here.

Guys.

Your friend Chris Epps' locker.

Grey's Anatomy, Mortician's Desk Reference,
Robicheaux's Guide to Muscles and Tendons,

- I think it's fair to say Chris is involved.
- He's into corpses, but we don't know why.

Yes, we do.

# I guess you say

# What can make me feel this way?

# My girl

# Talkin' 'bout my girl

# My girl!

- How's my baby?
- She's not your baby.

- She's nobody's baby if we don't finish soon.
- I'm working on it!

So am I, friend. So am I.

- Any sign of our suspects?
- Not yet.

I don't get it.
Why would anybody wanna make a girl?

When there are so many
premade ones laying around

- Things we do for love.
- Love has nothing to do with it.

Maybe not, but people don't fall in love
with what's right in front of 'em.

People want the dream. What they can't have.
The more unattainable, the more attractive.

And for Eric, the unattainable
would include everyone that's alive.

Eric's sick enough to do something like this,
but Chris seems like a "human" person.

I don't know. That thing
with his brother was really hard on him.

He talked about death a lot.

Maybe he just wanted to get one-up on it.

But it's not doable.

I mean, making someone from scraps,
actually making them live.

If it is, my science project's
definitely coming in second this year.

And speaking of love...

We were talking about
reanimation of dead tissue.

Do I deconstruct your segues? Huh?

Hey.

Oh, yes. Hello.

- Still no sign of our mad doctors?
- What?

Oh, corpses. Yes, evil. Very good.

- Did you bring it? Tomorrow...
- Very good.

OK, Giles, just remember. "I feel a thing.
You feel a thing." But personalise it.

- Personalise it?
- She's a technopagan, right?

Ask her to bless your laptop.

- Have fun.
- What? Oh, don't...

- Best of luck.
- ..leave.

- Good morning, Rupert.
- Ms Calendar?

Please, call me Jenny.
"Ms Calendar" is my father.

Jenny, then.

You know, uh, Jenny,
um, would it appear indecorous...

No, not indecorous. Uh...

Yeah?

Well... Oh, dear. I-I, um...

Rupert, I've got to get inside
and set up the lab.

What I'm proposing...

I gotta go! Sorry.

Idiot!

Hey. Listen, if it's important,
tell me at the game.

Game? Oh, you're going
to the football game?

- Yeah. You seem surprised.
- No, no, uh...

I-I-I just assumed you spent your evenings
downloading incantations and casting bones.

On game night? Are you nuts?

- You're going too, right?
- Oh, of course.

- Always. Always do.
- So we should just go together.

I could pick you up after school.
We'll grab a bite to eat, if you like.

How do you feel about Mexican?

Good. Then whatever it is you want
to tell me, you can just tell me then. OK?

OK. Tonight, then.

That went well.

I think.

I still don't get how Chris could do it.
Arresting cell deterioration is one thing, but...

"Hello. I wanna get ahead, "

Maybe an electrical current
combined with an adrenaline boost.

"For the love of God,
can somebody scratch my nose?"

- Chris and Eric didn't come to school today.
- That's no coincidence.

- Maybe they finished their project.
- God. What if it worked?

- What if that poor girl is walking around?
- Poor girls, technically.

- What could she be thinking?
- What are they gonna do with her?

I don't think we have
to worry about that just yet.

I spoke to a press person this morning
about the remains.

The police have sorted through them,
and they found three heads in the Dumpster.

- They only had three girls.
- Precisely.

So they don't have the whole, uh, package?

Heads must be no good.
Huh. I found 'em attractive enough.

- Obviously I'm not as sick as Chris and Eric.
- Based on what the police put together...

..I'd say they're one step short
of completing their masterpiece.

One step...

We're running out of time.

If we wait too long, the atrophy
in the limbs will be irreversible.

We can turn up the current.
That'll buy us a day at least.

We will lose the body
if we don't attach a head soon!

- We have time.
- We don't!

The crash with the girls was lucky.

We can't just keep waiting around for another
lucky accident to drop a head in our laps.

You know what we have to do.

- Hell, it's just one lousy girl.
- I won't do it.

I...

I can't kill anyone.

Please... understand.

I-I can't do that.

- Please don't make me.
- But you gave me your word.

You promised me, little brother...

..that I wouldn't be alone.

The body is perfect. And if we harvest
a head tonight, she'll be ready by sunrise.

When you brought me back,
you promised you'd take care of me.

I need this, Chris.

I need someone.

Please don't ask me to do this.
Don't ask me to take a life.

I tried to tell him. If you take a life in order
to make a life, the whole thing is a wash.

- No harm, no foul.
- Maybe you could... you could go out.

- No!
- Let people know.

They can't see me!

Chris, you've always been smarter than me.

You were always the brains.

You're the only one who can help me now.

Third and long, seconds to go...

..where do you throw?

Where do you throw?

Number five.

Daryl's gonna drive.

Help me, brother.

Thank you.

Show me!

- This one!
- Ha-ha.

A man of taste.

# My girl

# Talkin' 'bout

# My girl

# My girl

I checked the obits.
Nothing makes a likely candidate.

They're picky for guys
who had three heads to begin with.

- Formaldehyde.
- Come again?

Formaldehyde. Oh, yes, yes, of course. It
accelerates neural decay in the brain cells.

After a couple of days they're useless.
They're gonna need something fresh.

- How fresh?
- As fresh as possible.

Buffy, you don't think...

Anyone who cuts dead girls into pieces
does not get the benefit of any doubt.

- I wanna end it now.
- I second that.

You guys go to Eric's.
We'll go to Chris's and meet up.

- I'm supposed to be at the "big game".
- Fine. Go ahead. We'll take care of this.

- Yes, but shouldn't I... I'm...
- OK, then why don't we all meet there?

Fine. Yes.

Buffy?

Don't be too hard on Chris.
I mean, he's not a vampire.

No, he's just a ghoul.

Hi. Um, I'm a friend of Chris's.
I kinda need to talk to him.

D'you know if he's home?

So, is he home?

Westbury game. November 17th, '95.

Daryl rushed 185 yards that night. Four TDs.

He was MVP and he made
all-city that season.

Yeah, that was a great one.
But is Chris home?

I don't know. Is today a school day?

Oh, watch! Watch this move!

Daryl takes a kick-off.
He sheds one, two, three defenders.

And he breaks into the open field
for a 95-yard touchdown.

He would have been 19 next week.

Cordelia.

- Cordelia, are you coming?
- Yeah, I'll be right out.

Oh, God. Chris, you scared me.

What are you doing in here?

Is something wrong?

- Joy, Lisa, where's Cordelia?
- She has a game to think about.

She doesn't need losers like you.

I'm sorry. What did you say?

- Are you OK?
- Oh, my God, Buffy.

He's gone.

I was on my way to the field when
Chris came in and someone jumped me.

Sh. Relax, take it easy.

That's the fight song. It's time for
the cheerleader pyramid. I gotta go.

- Are you sure you're OK to go out there?
- Yeah, I have to go. I'm the apex!

Chris?

I know what you're trying to do...

..you and Eric.

I know about the bodies from the cemetery.

But you haven't hurt anyone yet.

Look, I know what it's like
to lose someone that you're close to.

But that's no excuse.

- What you're doing is wrong.
- I have to do this for him.

- He needs someone.
- Eric? He needs industrial-strength therapy!

He always looked out for me...

..stood up for me.

He's all alone.

Everybody loved him and now he's all alone.

Who are you talking...

Oh, my God.

You promised me!

You promised!

I wouldn't have to be alone!

It's not too late.

Nothing's changed.
We can still do this, you and me.

Your brother's not the only one
who can create life.

What d'you say?

Let's go scare you up a date.

Daryl?

Daryl?

Daryl!

He's not here. Where else could he be?

But... he would never go out.

- Unless...
- He's gonna pick up where you left off.

Go, Greenbacks, go! Go, team, go!

Go, team, go!

I don't know why football does it for me.

I mean, it lacks the grace of basketball,
the poetry of baseball.

At its best, it's unadorned aggression.
It's such a rugged contest.

- Rugged? American football?
- And that's funny because?

No, I just think it's rather odd that
a nation that prides itself on its virility...

..should feel compelled to strap on 40lbs
of protective gear just in order to play rugby.

Is this your normal strategy for a first date:
dissing my county's national pastime?

Did you just say... "date"?

- You noticed that, huh?
- Hi, Ms Calendar. Hi, Giles.

- Hey. What's up?
- Eric's was a bust. Nothing there.

Just computer equipment and a pornography
collection so prodigious it even scared me,

- Did Buffy get back yet?
- No. Uh, no.

Perhaps you should, uh, circulate
nearer the field and see what you can find.

So what's the score?

- I don't see her. Do you?
- No.

Please, what's going on?

Just take off the blindfold.
I promise I won't scream. I promise.

- She's beautiful.
- No!

It's bad luck to see
the bride before the wedding.

Please, just take off the blindfold.
I promise I won't scream. I promise.

Cordelia...

Scream all you want.
We're in an abandoned building.

Help!

OK, that's enough.

You were always good to me,
always noticed me, but I ignored you.

I'm sorry. I'm glad I have
a second chance to tell you that.

D-Daryl?

I was thoughtless. I see that now.

But I've changed.

I've learned to appreciate how much it meant
that you wanted to be with me.

- We're ready.
- Ready? Ready for what?

You're gonna feel a pinch,
maybe some discomfort around the neck.

But don't worry. When you wake up
you'll have the body of a 17-year-old.

In fact, you'll have the body of several.

He was here, Chris. Where did he take her?

- To the rest of the body. To the lab.
- Where is that?

- I promised him...
- He'll kill Cordelia!

You can't just give and take lives like that.
It's not your job.

He's in the old science lab.
Everything's set up there.

Thank you.

Now find Xander and Willow,
and tell them what's going on.

Daryl, please. You don't have to do this.

We have to, so we can be together.

We'll be together anyway.
I'll be with you, I promise.

- Is that right?
- Uh-huh.

You see anything you like?

When you're finished, you won't go out, you
won't run away, but we can hide together.

- Please. Please!
- Sterile enough for government work.

No!

No!

Buffy, help me!

Daryl, I know what you're doing.
Your brother sent me.

He wouldn't do that. My brother loves me.

- They're crazy.
- It's OK. I'll get you out.

No, I'm not done with her yet.

I'm not finished!

I won't live alone!

- I'm gettin' outta here!
- You have to help me.

Let go!

- Buffy!
- Get Cordelia!

Xander!

Get me out of here!

Come on, Xander, come on!
Come on! Get it off!

Get it off! Get me out of here! Come on!

Hurry up!

Daryl!

Don't!

- Sh-she's mine!
- Daryl!

Daryl!

No. We'll be together always. No.

Mine.

The first time he woke up, after...

..he said I shouldn't have brought him back.

I was just trying to look out for him...

..like... he would have done for me.

I saw the fire. I figured you'd be here.

- Is everyone OK?
- Yeah.

We're OK.

- Sorry about all this.
- It's OK. Although a good rule of thumb...

..for a first date is don't do anything so
exciting it'll be hard to top on a second date.

Since I've moved to live on the Hellmouth...

..the events of this evening
actually qualify as a slow night.

Did you just say "second date"?

You noticed that, huh?

I guess that makes it official.
Everybody's paired off.

Vampires get dates. Hell, even the
school librarian sees more action than me.

Ever think the world's like musical chairs and
we're the only ones who don't have a chair?

- All the time.
- Xander.

I just wanted to thank you for saving my life.

What you did in there
was really brave and heroic.

- If there is anything I could ever do to...
- Do you mind? We're talkin' here.

- So, where were we?
- Wondering why we never get dates.

Yeah. So, why do you think that is?

God, the whole thing was so creepy.

But, at the same time,
I mean, he did do it all for his brother.

Sounds like
he took it a little over the edge.

- Love makes you do the wacky.
- What?

Crazy stuff.

Crazy like a 241-year-old
being jealous of a high-school junior?

Are you 'fessing up?

I thought about it.
Maybe it bothers me a little.

- I don't love Xander.
- Yeah, but he's in your life.

He gets to be there when I can't.

Take your classes, eat your meals,
hear your jokes and complaints.

He gets to see you in the sunlight.

I don't look that good in direct light.

It'll be morning soon.

I should probably go.

I could walk you home.