Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1996–2003): Season 2, Episode 1 - When She Was Bad - full transcript

OK, um...

- It's your turn.
- OK. Uh...

"In the few hours that we had together,
we loved a lifetime's worth."

- Terminator,
- Good! Right.

OK, I got one.

- "It's a madhouse! A mad..."
- Planet of the Apes,

- Can I finish, please?
- Oh, sorry. Go ahead.

..house!."

Planet of the Apes, OK, good. Me. Uh...

Well?

I'm thinking.



"Use the Force, Luke."

Do I even have to dignify that with a guess?

I couldn't think of anything.
It's a dumb game anyway.

What else d'you wanna do?
We played rock, paper, scissors. I got cramp.

Well, if you're always "scissors",
your tendons...

I just gotta say this has been
the most boring summer ever.

Yeah, but on the plus side,
no monsters or stuff.

I'm just so restless. I'm actually
looking forward to school starting up again.

That would have nothing to do with a certain
girl we both know, who is a vampire slayer.

Please! I'm so over her.

Did she mention when she might be
gettin' back? About which I do not care.

I haven't heard from her. I got two postcards
from her in LA, but then like nothing.

She's probably with her dad
havin' a good time.

- And you don't care?
- Well, OK. There might be some interest.



I'm a man. I have certain desires and needs.

I-I don't wanna know.

I got a movie for ya.

- Xander!
- You're Amish.

You can't fight back cos you're Amish.
I mock you with my ice cream, Amish guy.

Witness,

- My nose is cold.
- Let me get that for ya.

Xander!

I can't help myself. Your nose looks so tasty.

Willow, go.

Hi, guys.

Miss me?

- Buffy!
- Hey!

Hey!

Hey, Will.

Man, your timing really doesn't suck.

- When d'you get back?
- Just now. Dad drove me.

I figured you two losers
would be getting into trouble.

I think we had the upper hand...
in a subtle way.

Does either of you have a cross? Sloppy.

It's been a slow summer. It's the first vampire
we've seen since you killed the Master.

It's like they knew I was coming back.

How was your summer? Slay anything?

No. Just hung out, partied some,
shopping was also a major theme.

- You haven't lost your touch. That vampire...
- I did kinda whale on him, didn't I?

I like your hair.

Did you have any fun without me?

- Yes.
- No.

Our summer was yawn-worthy. Our
biggest excitement was burying the Master.

That's right, you missed it. Up by that tree.

Giles buried the bones, we poured
holy water and we got to wear robes.

Very intense. You shoulda been.

Have you seen Giles?

Why would I do that? I'll see him at school.

I'm really glad you're back.

Me too.

- OK, then. This is the last of it.
- More clothes?

- Oh, do shoes count as clothes?
- How much shopping did you let her do?

I thought I was saving you from
the back-to-school clothing nightmare.

My nightmares with Buffy in school
have nothing to do with clothes.

Did she manage to stay out of trouble in LA?

She did, yeah.

She was... you know... great.

But?

She was just, I don't know, um...

..distant.

Not brooding or sulking, just...
There was no connection.

The more time we spent together, the more
I felt like she was nowhere to be seen.

Hence the shoes?

I may have overcompensated a little bit.

It's so strange. At least when she was
burning stuff down I knew what to say.

Welcome to my world.

I haven't been able to get through
to her for so long.

I'll just be happy if
she makes it through the school year.

It was a nightmare. A total nightmare.

They promised me they'd take me to St Croix,
then they decide to go to Tuscany.

Art and buildings.
I was totally beachless for a month and a half.

No one has suffered like I have suffered.

Of course, that kind of adversity
builds character.

But then I already have a lot of character.

Can you have too much character?

- The first day back. It always gets me.
- Yes.

I mean, it's incredible. One day
the campus is completely bare, empty.

The next, there are children everywhere.

Like locusts, crawling around,
mindlessly bent on feeding and mating...

..destroying everything in sight
in their relentless, pointless desire to exist.

I do enjoy these pep talks.

Have you ever considered,
given your abhorrence of children...

..school principal was not
perhaps your true vocation.

Somebody's gotta keep an eye on them.
They're a bunch of hormonal time bombs.

Every time a pretty girl walks by,
every boy turns into a gibbering fool.

- Ms Calendar.
- Mr Giles.

Well, I... um...

Hello.

You see the way these kids
gaze at each other all moony?

- It's good to see you.
- Yes.

Think they're thinking about learning?!

Were you headed to the faculty room?

Sounds like fun.

I try and tell them about
the important things in life.

Discipline, responsibility, punctuality.

I might as well be talkin' to myself.

- How was your summer?
- Extreme.

I did "Burning Man" in Black Rock.
A great festival. You should've been there.

They had drum rituals, mobile sculptures,
raves, naked mud dances.

You would have just...
hated it with a fiery passion.

I can't imagine finding any redeeming...

Naked?

You probably spent summer
with your nose in a book.

- I suppose you'd consider that dull.
- Depends on the book.

- Giles!
- Yo, G-Man! What's up?

- Nice to see you. Don't ever call me that.
- Hi, kids.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- How are you?
- Alive and kicking.

Buffy killed a vampire last night.

You can get more volume
if you speak from the diaphragm.

- Sorry.
- I thought the Hellmouth was closed.

It's closed, but not gone. The mystical energy
it emits is still concentrated in this area.

So we're still the undead's
favourite party town.

- I wonder if they're here for a purpose.
- You're the Watcher. I just work here.

Yes, I must consult my books.

Oh, eight minutes and 33 seconds. Pay up.

I called ten minutes before
you'd consult your books. Thank you.

We'd better get to class.

Oh, Buffy.

I realise you've just returned, but when you're
ready we should start your training again.

I'm ready. I'll see you after school.

I understand if you want a few days to...

I'm ready.

Buffy, that's enough.

Buffy!

- Safe to say you've stayed in shape.
- I'm ready.

Whatever they got comin' next, I'm ready.

Yeah.

We have been put down, kinsmen.

We have lost our way.

We have lost the night.

But despair is for the living.

Where they are weak, we will be strong.

Where they weep, we rejoice.

Where they bleed...

..we drink!

Within three days a new hope will arise.

We will put our faith in him.

He will show us the way.

Buffy!

- Buffy?
- Fine. I'm fine.

Good. It's good that you're fine.

- What were you thinking about?
- Nothing.

Come on, you can tell us. We're your
bosom friends. The friends of your bosom.

Xander.

I wasn't thinking anything. Really.

- What did you do last night?
- Slept. I had weird dreams.

- Dreams are meaningful.
- Tell me about it! I dreamt that Xander...

Uh, it wasn't Xander. In fact, it wasn't me.

It was a friend's dream.

- She doesn't remember it.
- I bet she doesn't.

Buffy!

Giles.

What is it? You look worried.

This vampire activity.
I know what they're up to.

- We'll deal with it.
- I hope it's that simple.

It is not to worry. Trust me.

I don't know. I've killed you once.
It shouldn't be too difficult to do it again.

What?

Hello.

Mind if I come in?

Be my guest.

How are you?

Peachy.

So, is this a social call?
It is kinda late... Or, well, it is for me.

What is it for you, lunch hour?

It's not a social call.

Ah, so let me guess.
That means grave danger.

Gosh, it's good to be home.

I'm sorry. I wish I had better news.

So, some of your cousins are in town for a
family barbecue, and we're all on the menu.

The Anointed One. He's been gathering
forces somewhere in town. I'm not sure why.

Guess I'll find out soon enough, huh?

- You don't sound too concerned.
- I can handle myself.

Besides, I could use a little action anyway.

Don't underestimate the Anointed One
just because he looks like a child.

He has power over the rest of them.

They'll do anything for him.

Is that it? Is that everything?

Cos you woke me up
from a really good dream.

Sorry.

I'll go.

I missed you.

I missed you...

# It doesn't matter what I want

# It doesn't matter what I need

# It doesn't matter...

How are your new classes?

Good.

Good.

Is there the slightest chance that if I asked
you what was wrong you would tell me?

Course not.
It would take the fun out of guessing.

# ..or where it leads

Angel stopped by? Wow!

Was there... I mean,
was it having to do with kissing?

Willow, grow up.
Not everything is about kissing.

Yeah, some stuff's about groping.

- It wasn't about groping?
- OK, hormones on parade here?

It was pure shoptalk. Remember vampires,
they walk by night? Am I ringin' a bell?

What did he say?

Something's up.

Nothing I can't handle.

D'you guys hear Cibo Matto
are at the Bronze tonight?

- Cibo Matto! They're playing?
- No, they'll be clog-dancing.

Cibo Matto can clog-dance?

- Oh, sarcasm. Right.
- We should attend, no?

Oh, look. It's the Three Musketeers.

- Was that an insult?
- Kinda lacked punch.

- The Three Musketeers were cool.
- I see your point.

- I'd have gone with "Stooges".
- I just meant you're always together.

- So, you fight any demons this summer?
- Yes, our own personal demons.

- Such as lust and thrift.
- I would have to go with "Stooges" also.

What are you talking about? I'm talking about
big demons that came from the ground.

Remember? Prom night?
With all the vampires.

Cordelia, your mouth is open.
Sound is coming from it. This is never good.

No. See, we can't mention that stuff here,
Buffy being the Slayer an' all.

You haven't been talking about
our adventure, have you?

Are you nuts? You think I would tell people
that I spent the whole evening with you?

Besides, it was so creepy. That Master guy,
all the screaming. I don't like to think about it.

So, your secret's safe with me.

That works out great.

You won't tell anyone I'm the Slayer,
and I won't tell anyone you're a moron.

- Now, that was a good insult.
- A little too good.

What's up with her?

# Oooh!

# Don't want the boys

I just think something's up.

Willow, you're paranoid.

Buffy's never acted like this before.

- Ever since she got back, she's different.
- Buffy's always been different.

She's never been mean.

Any sign of her? She said she was coming.

- No. The band's cool though.
- Yeah, cool.

# We belong, yes, to-to-together

# We belong, yes, to-to-together...

You got something on your nose.

Don't just stand there. Dig!

We have to hurry.

The ground is consecrated. It burns.

Dig.

# The velocity of time

# Turns her voice into

# Sugar water

- Hi.
- Hi.

So, is there danger at the Bronze?
Should I beware?

I can't help thinkin' I've done
somethin' to make you angry.

And that bothers me more than I'd like.

I'm not angry.
I don't know where that comes from.

What are you afraid of?

Me? Us?

Could you contemplate
getting over yourself for a second?

There's no "us".

Angel, I'm sorry if I was supposed to spend
the summer mooning over you, but I didn't.

I moved on.

To the living.

Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What's wrong with Angel?

Beats me.

Let's dance.

O...K.

# When a black cat

# Crosses my path

# A woman in the moon

# Is singing to the earth

# A woman in the moon

# Is singing to the earth

# I'm riding on a camel

# That has big eyes

# The buildings are changing
into coconut trees

# Little by little...

Xander?

Did I ever thank you for saving my life?

No.

# ..crosses my path...

# A woman in the moon...

Don't you wish I would?

# A woman in the moon

# Is singing to the earth

Buffy.

You're really campaigning for
Bitch of the Year, aren't you?

As defending champion, you nervous?

I can hold my own.

You know, we've never been close, which
is nice cos I don't like you that much, but...

..you have, on occasion, saved the world,
so I'm gonna do you a favour.

- And this great favour is?
- I'm gonna give you some advice.

- Get over it.
- Excuse me?

Whatever's causing
the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it.

Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet,
whatever, but get over it.

Cos soon you won't even have
the loser friends you've got now.

I think it's time you start
minding your own business.

It's long past.

Nighty-night.

I'll just see if Angel feels like dancing.

Ms... Ms Calendar?

Oh, God! Ms Calendar!

- She's possessed.
- Possessed?

That's the only explanation
that makes any sense.

You should have seen her last night.
That wasn't Buffy.

Are we overlooking the idea
that she may be attracted to me?

She's possessed.

- Possessed by what?
- A possessing thing.

- That narrows it down.
- You're the expert.

Maybe when the Master killed her,
a bad-guy transference thing happened.

That's what it was! I mean, why else
would she be acting as such a B-I-T-C-H?

Willow, we're all a little too old
to be spelling things out.

A bitca?

Yes...

I suggest that the explanation for her
behaviour may be something more mundane.

She may simply have what
you Americans call "issues".

Her experience with the Master
must have been traumatic.

She was, for a few minutes, technically dead.
She hasn't dealt with it on a conscious level.

She's convinced herself
that she's invulnerable...

- Interesting point on trout you brought up.
- Trout?

Trout! Yes, trout... is a fish.

- Good morning. Did you sleep well?
- Like a rock.

Master's gone.

- I'm sorry?
- The Master.

I went by his grave last night
and they have a vacancy.

- Good God.
- Why would somebody want Master bones?

A trophy? A horrible conversation piece?

They're gonna bring him back.

They're gonna bring the Master back to life
and you told me he was history.

Buffy, I-I've never heard of
a revivification ritual being successful.

But you've heard of them?!
Thanks for the warning.

Buffy, Giles did bury...

- This is Slayer stuff. Less from the civilians!
- That's enough!

I believe some of us have class.
And some of us have jobs.

Y-yes, well, I'll see you all in the library
later. We'll continue this discussion.

About trout.

There are some things I can just smell.
It's like a sixth sense.

No, actually, that would be one of the five.

That Summers girl.
I smell trouble, I smell expulsion...

..and just the faintest aroma of jail.

Before you throw away the key,
give her the benefit of the doubt.

She may surprise you.

You really have faith in those kids, don't you?

Yes, I do.

Weird.

All right, I've got something.
It's Latin, so bear with me.

To revive the vampire,
they need his bones - which they have -

..and the blood - this is very unclear -
of the closest person...

- Someone connected to the vampire.
- That'd be me.

- Perhaps.
- We were close.

We killed each other.
It really promotes togetherness.

Is there anything on
when the ceremony... Whoa!

This is Cordelia's.

"Come to the Bronze before it opens,
or we make her a meal."

They're gonna cook her dinner?

- I'll pretend I didn't say that.
- What do we do?

- I go to the Bronze and save the day.
- I don't like this.

- Well, you aren't going.
- What do you mean?

I can't do it any more. I can't look after
the three of you while I'm fighting.

- What about the rest of the note?
- What rest of the note?

- The part that says "PS, this is a trap"?
- You'll be playing straight into their hands.

- I can handle this.
- Stop saying that! What's wrong with you?

Cordelia may be dead.

This is my fight.

You know, being stalked
isn't really a big turn-on for girls.

- You need someone to watch your back.
- Sure you don't mean my neck?

Why are you ridin' me?

Because I don't trust you. You're a vampire.

Oh, I'm sorry, was that an offensive term?
Should I say "undead American"?

You have to trust someone.
You can't do this alone.

- I trust me.
- You're not as strong as you think.

Think you can take me?

What?

Oh, come on. I mean,
you must have thought about it.

What would happen if it came to a fight?
You vampire, me the Slayer.

You must have wondered.

Well, why don't we find out?

- I'm not gonna fight you.
- Come on.

Kick my ass.

Don't you have somewhere to be?

- I do.
- Well, you're wastin' time.

Just stay out of my way.

Happy to oblige.

That's not Cordelia.

Cordelia couldn't make it.

- Where is she?
- I'm not supposed to tell.

I don't like this.

- Don't like what?
- There's the bait.

Where's the hook?

You're right. Why would they send just one?

We should have gone with her.

Buffy's about to lose it. We should
try to reach minimum safe distance.

You know it's a trap.

The Latin is translated from
the Sumerian, and rather badly.

"Closest" to the Master,
actually translates as "nearest", physically.

The person or persons who were with him...

..when he...

It is a trap.

It just isn't for her.

Watch her. Don't kill her unless you have to.

Buffy, what's going on?

I'll be back.

Xander!

What happened?

Vampires. The ones you could
handle yourself.

- Where are the others?
- I don't know.

I don't know what your problem is,
what your issues are...

..but as of now I officially don't care.

If you'd worked with us for five seconds,
you coulda stopped this.

W-we just have to think.
Where would they have taken them?

If they hurt Willow, I'll kill you.

Why did they take them and not you?

Giles said the ritual was, um...

They needed people who were close to
the Master, physically close when he...

The ones who were
with the Master when he died.

Giles, Willow, Cordelia.

Ms Calendar.

Odds are they've got a complete set by now.

We need to find out where.

How?

One more time: where are they?

You're too late. Your friends are dead.

Tell me where they are!

What are you gonna do? Kill me?

As a matter of fact...

..yes.

But, since I won't kill you any time soon...

..the question becomes
how are we gonna pass the time till then?

So, one more time.

Begin.

Behold, these poor mortals.

Witnesses to our master's wretched demise.

They will breathe their last this night.

The blood that pours from their throats
will bring new life to the Old One.

We gather for his resurrection...

..for the dawn of this new hell.

Buffy!

Buffy, we gotta do something now,

- You two get the others out.
- We need you to distract the vampires.

- Right.
- What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna kill them all.

That oughta distract 'em.

For the Old One. For his pain.

- For the dark.
- For the dark.

For the... Argh!

The sacrifices! Stop them!

- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm OK.

- Where's Buffy?
- She's workin' out her issues.

Enough!

Your day is done, girl.

I'll grind you into a sticky paste!

And hear you beg
before I smash in your face.

So, are you gonna kill me,
or are we just making small talk?

- It's over.
- No, it's not.

It's OK.

It's OK.

What an ordeal.
And you know what the worst part is?

- What?
- It stays with you forever.

No matter what they tell you, none of that
rust and blood and grime comes out.

I mean, you can dry-clean till Judgement
Day, you are living with those stains.

That's the worst part of being hung upside
down by a vampire who wants to kill you.

- The stains.
- I hear ya.

- I don't think I can face them.
- Hm? Oh, of course you can.

I can't!

What should I say? "Sorry I almost
got your throat slit. What's the homework?"

- Punishing yourself like this is pointless.
- It's entirely pointy. I was a moron.

I put my best friends in danger
on the second day of school.

- So are you going to go and live in a cave?
- Would it have cable?

Buffy, you acted wrongly, I admit that. But
it's hardly the worst mistake you'll ever make.

That wasn't as comforting
as it was meant to be.

Well, points for effort.

I'll see ya.

Hey, Buffy.

Hey.

We saved you a seat.

There's a rumour going around that Mr Cox
is the most boring teacher in the world.

Like, I think he won a belt.

- Like, yes.
- I hear he nods off a lot, so that's a plus.

- We Bronzin' it tonight?
- Wednesday is kinda beat.

We could grind our enemies into powder with
a sledgehammer, but we did that last night.

How about miniature golf?

- There's no course here.
- OK, uh... miniature tennis?

I hate that girl.