Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1996–2003): Season 2, Episode 4 - Inca Mummy Girl - full transcript

In every generation
there is a chosen one.

She alone will stand
against the vampires,

the demons,
and the forces of darkness.

She is the slayer.

This is so unfair.

I don't think
it's that bad.

It's the uber-suck.

Mom could have at least
warned me.

A lot of parents are
doing it this year.

It's part of
this whole cultural

the exhibit,
the dance.



I have the best costume
for the dance.

A complete stranger
in my house for 2 weeks.

I'm gonna be insane,

a danger to myself and others
within 3 days, I swear.

I think the exchange
student program is cool.

I do. It's the beautiful
melding of 2 cultures.

Have you ever done
an exchange program?

My dad tried to sell me
to some Armenians once.

Does that count?

Dinosaurs are distinguished
by an erect posture...

Whoo! There's mine.

Sven... isn't he lunchable?

Mine's definitely the best.

What are you looking at?



Pictures of our exchange
students. Look.

100% Swedish, 100% gorgeous,
100% staying at my house.

So, how's yours?
Visually, I mean.

I don't know. Guy-like?

By guy-like, we are talking big
beefy guy-like girl, right?

I was just
told "guy."

You didn't look
at him first?

He could be dogly.

You live on the edge.

Hold on a sec.

So this person who's living
with you for 2 weeks is a man

with man parts?

This is a terrible idea.

What about the beautiful
melding of 2 cultures?

There's no melding, OK?

He better keep his parts
to himself.

What's he doing?

Oh, that's Rodney Munson.

He's god's gift
to the bell curve.

What he lacks in smarts,

he makes up
in lack of smarts.

You just don't like him
'cause of that time

he beat you up
every day for 5 years.

Yeah. I'm irrational
that way.

I better stop him
before he gets in trouble.

I got it.

The nonviolent approach
is probably better here.

I wasn't going to
use violence.

I don't always
use violence.

Do I?

The important thing
is you believe that.

Hi, Rodney.

What do you... oh.

Willow, hi.

That's probably not something
you're supposed to be doing.

You could get in trouble.

Oh, no...

And they might
kick me out of school?

Are we still on for our
chem tutorial tomorrow?

Yeah. I think I've got almost all
14 natural elements memorized.

There are 103.

Welcome, students.

We shall now proceed into
the Incan burial chamber.

The human sacrifice
is about to begin.

Promise human sacrifice,
deliver old pots and pans.

500 years ago, the Incan people
chose a beautiful teenage girl

to become
their Princess.

I hope this story ends with "and
she lived happily ever after."

No. I think it ends with "and she became
a scary, discolored shriveled mummy."

The Incan people
sacrificed their Princess

to the mountain god
Sebancaya,

an offering buried alive for
eternity in this dark tomb.

They could have at least wrapped
her in those nice white bandages,

like in the movies?

The Princess
remained there,

protected only
by a cursed seal,

placed there as a warning
to any who would wake her.

Ha ha ha! Ew!

So, Buffy, when's exchange-o
boy making his appearance?

His name's Ampata.

I'm meeting him at the bus
station tomorrow night.

Ooh, Sunnydale bus depot.
Classy.

What a better way to introduce
someone to our country

than with a stench
of urine.

Now, if you'll follow me
this way, please?

Cool.

Damn!

So can I go?

I think not.

How come?

Because you
are the chosen one.

Just this once, I'd like
to be the overlooked one.

Well, I'm afraid
that is not...

Hyah!
Possible!

You have
responsibilities

that other girls
do not.

Oh! I know this one:

"Slaying entails
certain sacrifices..."

Blah blah bitty blah...

"I'm so stuffy.
Give me a scone."

It's as if you know me.

Your secret identity is going to
be difficult enough to maintain

while this exchange student
is living with you.

Not...

With her.

In the same house as her.

Am I the only one who's objective
enough to make that distinction?

So, then going to the dance
like a normal person

would be the best way
to keep that secret.

Giles, come on, budge.

No one likes a non-budger.

Fine!

Go.

Yay. I win.

I'll just go and introduce
my shoulder to an ice pack.

So I guess we're dance-bound.
Cool.

I think I can get my mom's car,

so I'm the wheel man.

I thought you
were taking Willow.

Well, yeah,
I'm gonna take Willow,

but I'm not gonna take Willow
in the sense of "take me."

See, with you, we're 3,
and everybody's safe.

Without you, we're 2.

Ahh... And we
romance, flowers.

Lips.

Oh, come on.

In all the years
you've known Willow,

you've never thought
about her lips?

Buffy, I love Willow...

And she's my best friend,

which makes her
not the kind of girl

who I think about
her lips that much.

She's the kind of girl that
I'm best friends with.

Hey, guys.

Willow! Hi!

We were just talking
about happy things,

like the 3 of us going
to the dance together.

See? Heh heh heh.
Happy.

Not happy.

No. Oh, uh, yes.

No. Rodney's missing.

Trouble with
Mr. Munson again?

His parents say he never
came home last night.

You know, I don't think
I remember seeing Rodney

on the bus back
from the field trip.

I didn't either.
I hope he didn't

get in trouble
at the museum.

Hey, maybe he
awakened the mummy.

Right. And it rose
from its tomb.

And attacked him.

On the other hand, maybe Rodney
just stepped out for a smoke.

For 21 hours?

It's addictive,
you know.

We'll deal with that when
we've ruled out evil curses.

Someday, I'm gonna live in
a town where evil curses

are just generally ruled
out without even saying.

Where was this seal?

It was right here,

and it's broken.

Does that mean
the mummy's loose?

No. Comfy as ever.

Look at this series
of pictograms.

Look out!

Aah!

Huh!

OK, I just
saved us, right?

Something did.

Well, we'll fret
about the details later.

Let's just get out of here
before he comes back.

Giles?

Were the Incas
very advanced?

Yes. Yes, very.

Did they have
orthodontists?

Rodney looked like he had
been dead for 500 years.

How could that be?

Maybe we should
ask that crazy man

with
the big old knife.

I don't think he
seemed overly chatty.

The way he bolted
when he saw Rodney,

I'd say he was
as freaked as we were.

My resources on the subject
are extremely limited.

I gather that
this particular mummy

was from the Sebancaya
region of eastern Peru.

It's very remote.

If there's an answer, then
it's locked in the...

In the seal.

It could take me weeks

to translate
these pictograms.

Well, we'll start
tonight with...

Ampata!

I was going to
suggest hunting.

No. I'm late. I told
him I'd pick him up.

Buffy, where
are you priorities,

tracking down a mummifying killer
or making time for some Latin lover

whose stock in trade
is the breakage of hearts?

Ampata's there alone,

and I don't know
how good his English is.

He's from south a...
South America.

Hey, you know, maybe he
could translate the seal.

Oh, yeah.

Fall for the old let-me-
translate-that-ancient-seal-for-you come on.

Do you know how many
times I've used that?

Ampata.

Ampata.

Hello?

40 minutes late.

Welcome
to America.

What if he
left already?

Ampata?

Ampata Gutierrez?

So do we have to speak
Spanish when we see him?

'Cause I don't know anything much
besides Doritos and chihuahua.

Ampata?

Here.

Hello.

I am ampata.

Hay Carumba.

I can also say that.

Dining room,

and this...

Is the kitchen.

It is very good.

Yeah. You've got your
stove, your fridge.

It's fully functional.

We're very into it.

Would you like a drink?

Ahh... Let's see.
We've got milk...

And, uh... Huh...
Older milk. Juice?

Please.

So, ampata...

You're a girl.

Yes. For many years now.

And not a boy 'cause
we thought a boy was coming,

and here you are
in a girl way.

It's just one of those
crazy mix-ups, will.

So have you ever been
to America before?

Uh... I... I have toured.

Where did... You go?

I was taken to Atlanta,
Boston, New York.

New York.

That's exciting.
What was that like?

I did not see so much.

Your English
is very bueno.

I listened much.

Well, that works out well
because I talk much.

Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!

Hey.

I'm sorry about the
teeniness of the room.

My old one was much smaller.

What's it like
back home?

Cramped and very dead.

Well, you'll feel right
at home in Sunnydale.

Oh, no!

Oh...

But... but you have
so much here.

How about friends?

They are...

It is just me.

I've been there...

But, hey, you'll meet
lots of people tomorrow.

Thank you.

You must teach me
everything about your life.

I want to fit in, Buffy,
just like you...

A normal life.

One normal life...

Comin' up.

Devon, I told you I'd
be at the dance tonight,

but I am not one
of your little groupies.

I won't be all Doe-eyed,
looking up at you,

standing at the edge
of the stage.

Got it.

So I'll see you
afterwards?

Sure. Where do you
want to meet?

I'll be standing at the
edge of the stage.

With that guy?

Sven...

Momento! Needa!

This whole
student exchange thing

has been
a horrible nightmare.

They don't
even speak American.

So I'll see you later?

Bye.

Sven! Come!

Oz, man,
what do ya think?

Of what?

Cordelia, man.

She's a wonderland tour.

You've got to admit
the girl is hot.

That is a hot girl.

Let me guess.
Not your type?

What does a girl have to
do to impress you?

Well, it
involves a feather boa

and the theme
to a summer place.

I can't discuss it here.

You're too picky, man.

Do you know how many
girls you could have?

You're lead guitar, oz.

It's currency.

I'm not picky.

You're just impressed by any pretty
girl that can walk and talk.

She doesn't
have to talk.

I worked really hard
on my costume.

It's pretty cool.

OK, but what about me?

I've gotta think.

Well, it's a celebration
of cultures.

There are lots
of dress-up alternatives.

And a corresponding equal
number of mocking alternatives

all aimed at me.

Bavarians are cool.

OK. No shirts
with ruffles,

no hats with feathers, and,
definitely, no Lederhosen.

They make
my calves look fat.

Why are you
suddenly so worried

about looking like an idiot?

That came out wrong.

Your first day
of school.

Nervous?

It is just more people than
I have seen in a long time.

Ah, don't worry. You'll have
no problems making friends.

As a matter of fact, I know
someone who's dying to meet you.

How do you do?

Hi.

I was wondering
if you could, um...

Translate this.

That was in no way awkward.

Something wrong?

Uh, n-no.

It is...

Why are you asking me?

Well, uh, it's... well, it's
an artifact from your region.

It's from the tomb of an
Incan mummy, actually.

We're trying to
translate it

as a project
for our, um...

Our archaeology club.

Very good.

It is broken. Where
are the other pieces?

That's all we found.

It is very old...

And valuable.

You should hide it.

Is there anything
you recognize here?

Um, this, um...

This chappy with the
knife, for instance.

Mmm...

Well, I do not know exactly,

but I think
this represents...

I believe the word
is... "Bodyguard"?

Bodyguard.

Interesting.

Legend has it that
he guards the mummy

against those
who would disturb her.

Well, yes, um, well, that's
a very good starting point

for our, um... Club.

Um...

Oh! And, uh...

As club president, I have
lots to do, lots of stuff,

dull stuff.

Willow,
maybe you could...

Stay with ampata
for the day.

I'd love to.

Yes.

That will be fun.

Whew.

Right. I'll continue
with the translation.

Buffy, you research
this bodyguard thing,

and, uh, Willow... Willow?

Boy, they really
like each other.

And this...

Is called a snack food.

Snack food?

Yeah. It's a delicious,
spongy golden cake

stuffed with a delightful creamy
white substance of goodness,

and here's how you eat it.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, but now
I cannot try it.

That's why you bring 2.

Oh...

Here goes.

Good, huh?

And the exciting part is that they have no
ingredients that a human can pronounce,

so it doesn't leave you with that
heavy food feeling in your stomach.

You are strange.

Girls always tell me that
right before they run away.

I like it.

I like you like it.

Please, don't learn
from my English.

Ha!

Or... Possible ha.

Do you think this matches?

Hey.

Oh...

Yes...

I'm caring
about mummies.

Ampata's
only staying 2 weeks.

Yeah, and then Xander can find
someone else who's not me

to obsess about.

At least with you, I knew
he didn't have a shot.

Well, you know,
I have a choice.

I can spend my life
waiting for Xander

to go out with every
other girl in the world

until he notices me,

or I can just get on
with my life.

Good for you.

Well, I didn't
choose yet.

Good lord.

Good work.

My work?

Yes.

This is
most illuminating.

It seems Rodney's killer
might be the mummy.

Where does it
say that?

Here. It implies
that the mummy

is capable of feeding on the
life force of a person,

effectively freeze-drying
them, you might say.

Extraordinary.

So then we just
have to stop the mummy,

which leads

find
stop the mummy?

Well, the answer to that is
somewhere still in here...

Or in the rest of the seal.

You stole the seal!

Where is it?!

Aah!

It is you.

Here you are.

Thank you.

Why is this guy
so into us?

I mean, what's he want?

He said,
"give me the seal."

Apparently, this is more
popular than we realized.

I just don't know what
we should do with it.

Destroy it.

If you do not,
someone could die.

I'm afraid
someone already has.

You mean the man with the
knife killed someone?

Uh, no!

Well, not exactly.

You are not telling me
everything.

You're right, ampata,

and it's time we do.

We're not
an archeology club.

We're in a...

Ahem!

We're in the crime club,

which is kind of like the
chess club, only with crime

and, um... No chess.

Please understand me.

That seal nearly
got us killed.

It must be destroyed.

Ampata!

Ampata, listen to me.

Nobody's gonna hurt you.
I won't let them.

Your investigation
is dangerous.

I do not want that,
just normal life.

Is she OK?

Wigged. I'm
trying to convince her

that our lives aren't just
danger and peril around here.

You should take her
to the dance.

That's a good idea.
We'll all go.

No. I mean... Just you.

But you were psyched.
And your costume.

I'll see you there.

You know what, Willow?

You're my best friend.

I know.

I don't get it.

Why would the bodyguard have such a
Jones for a broken piece of rock?

Well, um...

Perhaps if he needs to put it
together with the other pieces.

If he has them.

I mean, we
didn't find them.

And if he didn't, then they'd
still be at the museum.

So maybe we should
go there and find them,

and odds are, he'll
show up, too, right?

And, hopefully,
we'll be ready.

Hey, look at us.

We came up with a plan,
a good plan.

Right. We'll meet there
tonight after it closes.

No. Bad plan.

I have other plans,
dance plans.

Canceled plans.

OK, I have something
to tell you,

and it's kind of a secret,
and it's a little bit scary.

I like you...

A lot...

And I want you to go
with me to the dance.

Why was that so scary?

Well, because you never know
if a girl's going to say yes

or if she's going to
laugh in your face

and pull out
your still-beating heart

and crush it into
the ground with her heel.

Hmm.

Then you are
very courageous.

Can I tell you a secret?
Hm?

I like you, too.

Really?

Really.

That's great.

Really?

Really.

That's great!

You're not a praying
mantis, are you?

Sorry. Someone else.

I will return to you.

Where're you going?

Where you cannot follow.

I'll wait outside.

I beg you.

Do not kill me.

You are already dead...

For 500 years.

But it was not fair.

I was innocent.

The people you kill now
so that you may live...

They are innocent.

Please.

I am in love.

You are the chosen one.

You must die.

You have no choice.

Yes...

I do.

I have thought.

The dance?

I will go with you...

Gladly.

Buffy, I do not
have any lipstick.

Oh, you can borrow one
of mine.

There should be some
on the desk.

What is that?

The station sent
the rest of your stuff.

Oh. Of course.

I forgot all about it.

I will unpack it later.

No worries.
I can do it.

But you must get ready
for the dance.

I'm not going.

Why not?

I have work to do,

crime club work.

It's really nothing
for you to worry about.

Oh, I am not worried,
thanks to Xander.

He seems very happy
around you.

I am happy, too.

Mmm...

This one?

Oh, no. That clashes.

There should be a gold one
in there somewhere.

Thank you.

You're always thinking of
others before yourself.

You remind me of someone from
very long ago, the Inca Princess.

Cool. A Princess.

They told her that
she was the only one,

that only she could defend her
people from the netherworld.

Out of all the girls
in her generation,

she was the only one
who was...

Chosen.

You know the story?

It's fairly familiar.

She was 16, like us.

She was offered as a sacrifice
and went to her death.

Who knows
what she had to give up

to fulfill her duty
to others.

What chance at love?

Who knows?

I'll just unpack the rest
of your stuff for you.

No, really,
let me.

Oh!

That's Xander and Willow.

I'll get it.

I've come
for the dance.

And, uh, what
culture are you?

I'm from the country of Leone.

It's in Italy, pretending
to be Montana.

And where are you from, the
country of white trash?

Mmm. New lineup. You and
Willow are taking ampata.

Giles and I
are hunting mummies.

Where's you and Willow?

She's not coming...
With us.

Oh.

On a date.

Romance.

Lips.

Hello, Xander.

Oh, ye...
I, uh...

I can translate American
salivating boy talk.

He says
you're beautiful.

You're welcome.

Ampata, don't you
look wonderful.

Oh! I wish you could talk my
daughter into going with you.

I tried,

but she is
very stubborn.

Well, I'm glad someone
else sees that.

Well...

Good night,
then.

Be careful.

I will.

Hey.

You look good.

Look at that.

2 days in America,
and ampata already

seems like
she belongs here.

She's really
fitting in.

Yeah.

How about that?

♪ She's in ecstasy ♪

♪ Her hollow scars ♪

♪ Falls down heavenly ♪

♪ Fate's desire ♪

♪ I've been leaving here ♪

♪ In the rain... ♪

Ooh! Near faux pas!

I almost wore
the same thing.

Hey, you.

Hey. Where's Sven?

Uhh! I keep trying
to ditch him.

He's like one
of those dogs

that you leave at the Grand
Canyon on vacation...

It follows you back
across 4 states.

See? My own speechless,
human boomerang.

He's
kinda cute.

Maybe it's nice, skipping
all that small talk.

Small talk.

How about simple
instruction?

Get punchy.

You...

Fruit drinky.

He can follow me.

Maybe I should've
worn something sexy.

Wow. You guys
look great.

I... I love your costume.
It's... it's very authentic.

Thanks.

Yeah, you look, um...

Snug.

That's what
I was going for.

Where's Buffy?

Thank heavens
you're home.

Yep. Not
at the dance.

Not with my friends.
Not with a life.

What are you
doing here?

I thought we were gonna meet at
the museum to find the bodyguard.

No. He's already
been found.

In a school rest room...
Mummified.

OK, I don't get it. Why would the
mummy kill her own bodyguard?

Well, I've cross-referenced,
and, uh...

I've looked
at the pictograms anew.

He was a guard, all
right, but it was his job

to insure that the mummy
didn't awaken and escape.

So ampata
translated wrong.

Perhaps.

Hold on a sec.

She was wiggy about the
seal from minute one.

Yes, I suppose she was.

Her trunks.

I beg your pardon?

These are definitely
all boys' clothes.

Why would a girl
pack these?

How about this one?

What kind of girl travels
with a mummified corpse...

And doesn't even pack
a lipstick?

♪ Time's healing ♪

♪ I'll heal ♪

♪ Find the reasons again ♪

♪ Take a moment ♪

♪ I am trying ♪

♪ I understand it ♪

♪ I'm right behind you... ♪

Do you, um...

Would you like
to, uh...

You know.

I'd love to dance.

Hey.

That girl.
Who is she?

She's an exchange student. I
think she's from south America.

No, not her.

The Eskimo.

Come on. Can't you
put your foot down?

It is down.

One of these days, you're gonna
have to get a grown-up car.

OK. At least I can rule
out something I said.

I should've guessed. Remember
ampata wanted us to hide the seal?

And then she wanted us
to destroy it because...

Oh, wait.

Uh, waiting.

Well, we already know that the seal
was used to contain the mummy.

If breaking it
freed her...

Reassembling it
will trap her.

I'll go to that museum.
I'll drop you off.

I'll try and piece together
the fragments there.

OK. I'll still
get Xander...

Before he gets smoochy
with mummy dearest.

Have you seen
ampata?

What was that?

I shrugged.

Next time, you should
probably say "shrug."

Sigh.

I thought this exchange-student
thing would be a great deal.

But look what
I got stuck with...

"momento."
"Punchy fruity drinky."

Is Cordelia
even from this country?

Your...

Hands feel kinda...

Rough.

Aren't you with Xander?

Does it look
like I'm with Xander?

Ampata!

That's...
My cue to leave.

There you are.

Why'd you run away?

Because...

I do not deserve you.

Wh... You think that
you don't deserve me?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Man, I love you!

Are those
tears of joy?

Pain?

Revulsion?

I am very happy.

And very sad.

Then talk to me. Let
me know what's wrong.

I can't.

Hey, I know why
you can't tell me.

It's a secret,
right?

And if you told me,
you'd have to kill me.

Ohhh!

Oh... That was a...
Bad joke.

The delivery was off,
too. I'm sorry.

I, um...

I'm sorry.

No, I can't.

Xander,
I'm so sorry.

"Incan cosmology unites the
bird head with its paler twin."

Um...

Oh. Here.

Its paler twin.

The seal.

Ohh...

Where's Xander?

He's looking
for ampata.

We need to find him.
Ampata's the mummy.

Oh.

Good.

Xander!

Where'd they go?

Backstage, I think.

Hey, I...

Who is that girl?

Are you OK?

I think so.

Boy, that
was some kiss.

Where's ampata?

She said something
about the seal.

The seal! Giles!
Come on.

What's going on?

He doesn't know.

We'll tell him
on the way.

There. That's it.

Just one more piece.

The curse...

Wha...

I'll say one thing
for you incan mummies...

You don't kiss and tell.

Uhh!

Looks like you've been
keeping secrets from me.

You're not
a normal girl.

And you are?

Uhh! Uhh!

Uhh!
Unh!

Uhh!

This won't hurt.

Let her go!

If you're gonna kiss
anybody, it should be me.

Xander, we can
be together.

Just... Just let
me have this one.

That's never
gonna happen.

I must do it.

I must do it now, or it is
the end for me and for us.

No!

You want life? You're
gonna have to take mine.

Can you do that?

Yes.

Uhh!

I'm really the fun-talking
guy today, huh?

Sorry.

That's OK. We
don't have to talk.

I just... present
company excluded...

I have the worst
taste in women...

Of anyone
in the world.

Ever.

Ampata wasn't evil. At
least, not to begin with.

And... I do think
she cared about you.

Yeah, but I think that whole sucking
the life out of people thing

would've been a strain
on the relationship.

She was gypped.
She was just a girl,

and she had her life
taken away from her.

I remember how I felt

when I heard the prophecy
that I was gonna die.

I wasn't exactly obsessed
with doing the right thing.

Yeah, but you did.

You gave up
your life.

I had you
to bring me back.

Grr! Argh!