Bäst i test (2017–2022): Season 2, Episode 1 - Claes Malmberg gästar - full transcript

Yes!

Yes!

Fuck!

Time’s up.

Welcome to a new season
of Bäst i Test!

Here you must have your
head on your shoulders.

In this competition, the winner
goes home with this prize...

...my bust in gold, when
the season is over.

But we need contestants,
and here is this year's panel.

"Swaggern" from Sveg -
Erik Ekstrand! [actor, presenter]

My friend from Vällingby -
Marika Carlsson! [standup comedian]



Task rabbit from Täby -
Ola Forssmed! [actor]

"La chica cheeky" from Kungsholmen -
Ellen Bergström! [actor]

We also have a guest, who
is back by request.

Claes Malmberg!
[actor, standup comedian]

- Hello! How are you?
- Good.

I'll start with a mini task.
Summarize yourself with three words.

- Let's start with Ola.
- Glad, proud, beautiful.

- Marika?
- Winner, nice, calm.

- Claes?
- Glad, thick, willing.

- That's Erik's word.
- What should I say then?

I'll change “thick” to “special.”

- Just special?
- Glad, special and willing.

- Ellen?
- Third, happy, fearless.

Good, then we'll look at you.



Claes, you were here last year.
How did it go then?

Good, if I remember correctly. I'm
probably back because it went so well.

- You got the lowest score.
- Yes.

- Do you know I was no good?
- You had bad luck with the score.

- You would make us safe?
- Perhaps.

It's fun when others get excited.
One has to be empathetic.

I'm happy when others win.

You have this show to get revenge.

Again this year I have
David Sundin as assessor.

- Hello hello. Thank you.
- Good.

"Are we driving on time?"
-You don’t need to say twice.

- Drive.
- Okay.

You had to say that twice.

Let's go to the Bäst i Test house
for an ice cold mission.

- "Eat the popsicle."
- "Fastest wins."

- "Your time begins now."
- It will hurt.

Oh, how cold.
- It is so cold!

Throat freeze!

Wait...

This can't be done quickly.

Yes...

- Ouch!
- Oh!

But that's good.

It was disgusting.

- Clear!
- So... Yuck.

Good work.

Terrible!

It was about having the throat
freeze really encapsulated.

Is that your real voice?
- Yes, absolutely.

You know every layer you
have in your mouth.

I have made every tooth.
Never do this at home.

This is a generation of herring milk.

In my generation we are happy
to get food. Then if it hurts...

Eating is no pleasure.

You notice that we have a higher
budget this year. Popsicles!

- How soon it went... to eat up.
Are you talking about something else?

-It went very fast.
-Was it a race? -Absolutely.

- What did they get for results?
- We start with Marika.

- We had to cut the piece.
- You were busy!

- Three minutes and eleven seconds.
- Good!

That's really slow!

- Ellen - 2:32.
- Not bad.

Ola - 1:55.
Erik Ekstrand - 1:30.

Claes Malmberg, we found something
that you are really good at.

33 seconds!

- Cool!
- It is...

- It can change quickly.
- Is the show over now?

- Do we compete for prizes?
- Absolutely.

The winner of the entire
competition gets the Babben statue.

But tonight we’ve told them to
bring things they can score with-

-and the winner wins everything,
whether they want it or not.

- What did they bring?
- Their most regrettable souvenir.

The most regrettable souvenir,
according to you, gets points.

Ellen regrets that she bought a
flamenco girl in Spain in 2009.

Marika bought a shawl in Ethiopia,
which she has never used.

Claes bought cheese in Denmark, regretting
that he did not eat it at that time.

Two Venetian masks
are Ola's choice.

Maybe it's... I hadn’t seen
it before. Wait.

Oh wow.

Oh.
Now I'm sweaty, terrified.

- Wait.
- What is that?

Okay... Maybe it's an animal in
wood that Erik bought in Vilnius.

Or is it a cigarette holder?

Erik, it looks like a
lucia-back that has gone wrong.

Yes. I didn’t know what
it was, so I bought it.

It's probably a cigarette
holder, but I don’t smoke.

Then there will
only be a cigarette.

- You get three points for it.
- Thanks.

Ola, you buy masks, then you think,
“What was I thinking?”

In Venice, I met the man who made
the masks for "Eyes Wide Shut.”

- Oh!
- Exactly what I thought.

He said, "They only cost 900 kronor."
[~US$91] I said, "No problem."

Then when I went out, I thought,
"I'll take another one."

You get four points
because it's classic.

- Marika, you get two points.
- It was good. Thanks.

Then we have the best
and the worst left.

Claes, cheese is no souvenir.
It's food. It will be one point.

It was food - now it's a souvenir.
I've made it live for so long.

Victorious is Ellen, with her
worthless flamenco dancer.

- It was bought in Magaluf.
- It's the usual one.

It doesn’t fit into your YouTube
home, so you get five points.

- What's the score?
- It's exciting.

Three people share first place -
Ola, Erik and Ellen.

- Tied for first!
- How did this happen?

- I won the first round.
- But you brought cheese.

- Cheese effect.
- You paid for old cheese.

You're a point from first
place before the next task.

One should show their best "duck face".

- Ola.
- David.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- It's ducks.
- Incredible perception.

I thought there were sharp edges.

What? Don’t you say anything?
There it is.

“Knock over as many
ducks as possible."

"You must stand behind the
rope when the ducks fall."

"Time starts when the first duck
falls." Then we can calm down.

You should knock over
as many ducks as possible.

But you have to stand behind the rope
for the ducks to count as falling.

Time begins when the first duck falls-

-and they can get things in the
shed to complete the task.

We start by looking
at Marika and Claes.

I'll see if I can find
something to throw.

Maybe there's something better.
Are there any balls?

- There’s a lot of round stuff.
- What is this?

This is a bowling ball.

Isn’t this a leaf blower?

What did it say? When does it run?

The first one I can take.

You probably have to be pretty close.

There we go.

It's a bit clumsy.
I think I have a plan.

I’ll use different tools.

Certainly! I'm not so damn stupid
yet, when it comes to the chalk.

Why did you look so doubtful?

I didn't know you were so good at football.

Then we're going.

Two steady there.

It was a good start.

No, what the hell!

What the hell!

- One minute left
- I'm a successful giant.

- Yes!
- 15 seconds left.

They are made to stand in water.

45 seconds left.

Yes!

Four minutes and nineteen seconds.

Yes!

Oh...

Good fight, Marika.
How many times did you throw?

Not so many times, but
I'm sickly satisfied.

Why did you show us first?
This didn't show the whole story.

- We'll let you see the whole round.
- Claes took almost five minutes.

- He became a bit moody.
- We had five minutes.

- I should win.
- We shall see.

- Who's next?
- Ola and Ellen chose another way.

I'll look how it's built up.

- Angle... structures.
- Angle system.

Wondering how long this is.
This one is better.

This should be enough.

But...!

I need to have an extension.

- Do you know what I'm thinking?
- Not entirely.

Then I'll show you. It's clever.

- You are so happy.
- Yes, it's a great idea.

There's five minutes left.

- Five minutes left.
- It didn't work as I wanted.

I have to be a little better at...

That... I'm not so...

This might not be as smart as I...

Now! No...

- Can I go get it?
- Yes.

But if it falls a duck...
Now I'm counting on the ducks.

If we can get it to... Look! Oh!

No! I can't get the rope up!

Oh...!

Let's see.

No... This may not be good.

- Can I go there and hook it?
- Yes.

Then there are these little ducks.

No... shit in this one!

And then...

Good work.

- I'm in shock.
- So?

Isn’t this a contest? I didn’t get
to go in front of the red rope.

When a duck fell.
- This is...

You went and picked up the ball.

You went back and forth
like a tight seal.

Say what you want.
I will report you to the Radiation Board.

Ola... You held on to your
crutch idea for quite a while.

- Yes, it was genius.
- Then you tied the rope.

Now that I see it, I can perceive
some things in other ways.

But this was a bit late.
- Blame it on that!

You were at the front
and clenched the rope.

But then it looked heavy.
- Yes.

- You had a rope.
- I did?

- Why did you ignore it?
- I forgot about it.

- It was stupid to tie that far down.
- Yes.

I should have tied far up.
Then I did not think so.

But next time I’ll know.

- Can we see the results so far?
- Yes.

Claes - 4:49.

Marika - 4:18.
Ola - 2:52.

Ellen - 2:43, a second from Patrik
Sjöberg's high jump record.

- Super close!
- Erik can take this home.

He must beat 2:43.
Let’s look at how it went.

♫ Brain, Brain, Brain ♫
♫ Yes, my name is Brain ♫

♫ The brain, the brain, the brain of Sveg ♫

As an old sea scout,
this is easy for me.

The buttons are my friends.
People usually say I'm smart.

"What a clever body shape you have."
You do not understand anything when you see it.

- Oh...
- What was that sound for?

I just...

It's such a nice thing.

- So...
- Click it.

It's like patting a rhino.

At any time, all the pleasures can
turn into something terrible.

Are you ready? When the first
duck falls, the stress comes.

Until then I have all the time in the world.
- Time has started.

Easy! Easy! Easy!

Three, four seconds.

Oh, the brain!

- So good, I don't know.
- That's how you do Bäst i Test!

- The brain solved it. Five points.
- Thank you very much.

- Have you been able to do it faster?
- Yes, on a good day.

Very well done.
Well calculated and effective.

Now we advance to the next task.

Here you should be educated,
but not offensive.

- "Answer questions."
- "In three minutes."

"Time begins when David
pushes the button."

- Are you ready?
- Yes.

- Erik, Ellen and Claes are confused.
- Yes indeed.

It's no wonder, because
it's a team competition.

Ola and Erik are a team, and
Marika and Ellen are a team.

You didn’t know that your
teammates sat upstairs.

"Your time begins when
David presses the button."

"Build a tower. The highest tower wins.
You have three minutes."

- Ready?
- Yes.

Ouch!

Yes...

The task is to build as
high a tower as possible.

But the teammate sat at the other end.

When they replied wrong, they got a pretty
strong shock, making construction difficult.

Ellen, you must be pissed.
You got so many...

- The winning team gets...
- Three points.

But Claes can score three points
if he guesses who won.

- The guys or the girls?
- Think now.

- Yes. Shall I say it now?
- Yes, thank you.

- No, check first.
- I'll tell you afterwards.

- I think the girls won.
- I’ll stamp that.

- Beautiful setting.
- Let’s look at the result.

What year were the Beatles formed?

- I don't want to!
- 1967.

- 1962.

This is awful!

- What year did Sisqo's "Thong Song" come out?
- 2008.

1967.

Who is Sweden's head of state?

King.

Wait... Sweden's head of state?

- Pass.
- You must answer correctly.

- What is the best pizza?
- Capricciosa.

- Calzone.
- Ouch!

- What is Sweden's tallest building?
- Åhléns House in Stockholm.

- Kaknästornet.
- Ouch! We'll put that there for now.

- How old am I?
- 44.

No!

- How many gospels are there?
- 17.

Ouch! I’ve lost the mood.

- What does "V" mean in SVT?
- Verige.

Ouch! Damn!

- Which comedian is the funniest?
- Marika Carlsson.

You. Ah, come on.

Ouch! Lucky you have...
put out the toothbrush.

- Chips or dip?
- Dip. Chips?

- Dip.
- Chips.

- It was right.
- Ouch!

- What three forms does water have?
- Kikki, Bettan and Lotta. [‘00s pop group]

Time’s up.

- Stop! That's enough!
- I'm finished!

- Thanks.
- Thanks.

There was no harm for those
who received the shocks.

Ola, did you answer the questions?
Kikki, Bettan and Lotta?

Every time David pressed the
button, I thought I was right.

- Yes.
- I had no idea...

- To torture your teammate.
- I didn’t know that.

Don’t complain - we won!

Some of the questions were a little fuzzy.
- No, I don’t know.

Dip is right, because you can eat dip
without chips, but not the opposite.

Sweden's funniest comedian
is of course, Babben Larsson.

- Super funny!
- But to the core issue.

- How tall were the towers?
- Ellen’s tower was 23.2cm high.

It's as much as the diameter of
a 12-piece black forest cake.

Erik's tower was 42.8cm high.
It's like a twice as big cake.

A 25-piece black forest cake.

Now comes the "Middle of the Show.”

Now, David gets some training as the host.

He will interview our guest, Claes.
Alright, David.

Thanks, thanks. What fun to
have your confidence again.

- Then... Claes, welcome again.
- Thanks.

- How have you been lately?
- Good.

We read about you sometimes
in the newspapers.

Then we learn things about you.
It can be about your life view.

- You sit still a lot.
- My meditating, you mean?

No, you look like a
puff full of bullets.

A bean bag?
Yes, I understand how you think.

- It's kind of Buddhism?
- Yes, bean bag bBddhism.

How fun! It's time to
play "Median Buddha"!

♫ Median buddha, median buddha ♫

Claes Malmberg, you have a letter under
your seat, which you can read for the group.

- Read it to us...
- It sounded like you giving birth.

That was the closest I came.
But it went fast.

"Draw a median buddha.
Only the one who makes it wins."

"Extra points for the most beautiful
buddha. You have 100 seconds."

- "The task begins with David's signal."
- Median buddha?

I will explain.
The median is not an average-

it's what lies in the middle.

Those who draw the biggest
and smallest buddha lose.

The one who draws the median buddha,
which has the middle size...

The height?
- Yes.

You should think:
"How big will the others draw?"

"I'm going somewhere in the middle."

"Marika certainly draws this big."

- You have 100 seconds. The time
begins now. - Begin.

- You're looking!
- There was nothing about it.

Okay, you're doing so big.

Ellen, you get bonus points if you
draw fine. You haven’t started yet.

- Sleep, little old man.
- Oh...

- I am finished.
- The feet are difficult.

- Two toes.
- This...

- This was incredibly easy.
- Claes is sure of winning.

- Just now I've won.
- It has been 90 seconds.

- There's ten seconds left.
- I was done fastest.

Put your pencils down in
five, four, three, two, one...

Zero. Now I come and
measure your drawings.

- Was it easy to draw?
- Yes.

- This is 12cm.
- 12cm.

- Marika's...
- Is that a skateboard?

- 11cm.
- Pull on pulleys!

- The feet there!
- 23cm.

Right now, Ola has the median
buddha, but this can change.

- Watch out!
- Oh! It was a little bigger.

- I'm going to win.
- 21cm.

Then we look at Ellen's buddha.

- Oh! A cinnamon buddha.
- It's nice.

- 15, 16, 17, 18...
- What's that ruler?!

18cm. Now let's sit down
and count it up here.

Who has drawn the finest buddha?
It is very fancy.

- I give the bonus points to Ola.
- Yes!

- We are on track!
Who has drawn median buddha?

We sort out the biggest and the smallest
- Claes and Marika.

Then we remove Ola and
Erik, so Ellen wins.

- I knew it!
- And bonus points to Ola.

- What are the total scores?
- Things are happening.

Erik has 15 points.
Ola and Ellen have 14 points.

- No, do your best. It is fun.
- You are so busy.

Are we in a shared third place?
- No, Marika is last.

- Over to the next task.
- Now, we'll camp.

- Woof!
- Hello there.

- You are always happy.
- This is fun.

- Hello.
- No.

- Is it a cat-course?
- A kittycat-course.

“Get the tent and everything
in it through the tunnel."

"The one who gets everything through
and rings the bell first wins."

"You have five minutes.
Your time starts now."

It was about taking all the items
in the tent and the tent itself-

- and getting them through
the tunnel in five minutes.

- It should be done in half-time.
- Yes, that does not sound so awkward.

We start by looking
at Marika and Claes.

Too bad I haven’t camped
more in my life.

What is it?
Damn, how many zippers and shit.

Are they together?

It's so damn...

There’s the stick. So, a pinhole.

But, really. How to get rid of...?

What the hell... I can take it later.

So... is there stuff in the tent?
Are you kidding?!

- Idiot! What is this?
- Not idiots.

- Why didn't I check it before?
- 2.5 minutes have passed.

- You don’t have that when you camp.
- What the hell...

You could have said, "Start by
looking inside the tent."

- Can you forgive me?
- No. That's bad style.

- Idiocy!
- Hello.

Damn... Fuck!

Why didn't I get this before?

Five, four...

Everything didn't clear the tunnel.

- Five minutes and fifteen seconds.
- Idiocy!

- Good work.
- Thanks.

Yes... Marika solved it
in just over five minutes.

Claes rang at 4:53, but the tent
was still in the tunnel.

Neither Marika nor Claes
did the task in five minutes.

I'm not crazy, but I'm confused.

There was nothing wrong with us?
How do you do it?

One should look in the tent.

- I did - it didn't help.
- No, it was run.

- What are we going to do?
- Let's look at the others.

We're watching Erik and Ellen.

A tent...
There's stuff. I notice that.

I have camped before.

Oh, how disgusting - a body!
Damn.

Oh, sorry.

Okay...

Hurry up!

We’ll pull the tunnel together.

Clear! The bike...

- I stay agile.
- It shows.

Not physically, but mentally.

There we have her. Hello there!

I'll pull it together.
It becomes easier.

Come on! Clear!

Clear!

Three minutes and 42 seconds.

- 3 and... 34.
- World record!

- Good work.
- Thanks.

- No. You won.
- It went a bit better.

We actually got a result.

Erik managed it in 3:34, and Ellen
in 3:42. Amazingly close!

- We have Ola left.
- I don't even want to see that.

- You can turn everything upside down.
- Looking forward to it.

There is a woman in the tent.
We'll start with the bike.

- It isn’t that difficult.
- Four minutes left.

We'll start this way. It's fine.

Yes... Here she comes.

Here she comes. So...

Now we take the bike.

- Ola, half the time has passed.
- No problem.

Now we take the water.
It gets fucking wet.

So. Now only the tent remains.

No...

So.

- Now... I got stuck in the bike.
- Please get everything out.

No...

- This wasn't difficult.
- No, it looked easy.

It was easy.

Ola got everything through.
He did it within the specified time.

He did it in 4:18.

Correct me if I'm wrong:
Erik gets five points, Ellen four,

- Ola three, and zero points
to Marika and Claes.

I deserve sympathy points.

- They get a point because they were there.
- Thanks.

Water in all its glory,
but food is more fun.

Here comes the next task.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- You can use the glasses in your hand.
- Thanks.

- So I read?
- Yes.

- "Destroy the cake in a beautiful way."
- "Most beautiful destruction wins."

- "You have 20 minutes."
- "Your time begins now."

- I'll do this quickly.
- I want to be alone with the cake.

The contestants will destroy the
cake as beautifully as possible.

- Babben determines who wins.
- There are many cake tasks today.

It will be exciting to see
how they solve the problem.

- Who are we going to start with?
- We're watching Ellen and Marika.

- 20 minutes is long.
- Yes.

I'll get a knife.

You can make small balls out of it.

It might be fine? Like this.

It's terrible to destroy it,
but you can eat it anyway.

- 20 minutes is long.
- One could think for 10 minutes.

- It's not my thing.
- It's hard to go back now.

That... No, not yet.

- What are you doing?
- I’m putting something underneath.

I'll wash my hands.

It's not beautiful!

- Have you been thinking?
- Yes.

- Have you had cake that has dried in?
- Dried in...?

- On the body.
- No I have not.

This is very nice.
Don't you want to taste it?

- It looks ruined.
- Good.

- I feel satisfied
- Then I'll stop the time.

It was very smudged.
Was there any plan?

I was going to make
a Mickey Mouse figure.

But it was so sticky,
so I changed it.

I went on impulses and built.
But it got very nice.

They are destroyed, so there
will be some kind of points.

- Shall we look at more?
- Yes, Ola will play with his food.

You have to use the most
beautiful one, and that's me.

Then we'll do this.

When I was little...

Hasse Andersson's "Angel Dog"
was on the radio.

I'm not kidding -
I thought he was beautiful.

I thought he had something.
It's beautiful from my perspective.

It’s a backdrop of how
I thought of getting older.

You can’t just punch on.
It must be even.

He was a silver fox,
and not just here.

- He also had...
- Oh, how disgusting you are!

This is a contest.

- He had dialect as well.
- "Yes, exactly."

He was a Caesar figure.

Then we can use this
as a kind of wreath.

That’s a pity.

Sing a few lines into the camera.

♫ Can you take your dog ♫
♫ with you to heaven ♫

♫ He's nice, ♫
♫ and he's been a great friend ♫

♫ He's wise and nice, ♫
♫ and the tax is paid ♫

♫ If you can, musician, ♫
♫ then I'm happy ♫

Talk about performance art.

Only a minister of culture
will cut you a cake.

- We have to look at the last two.
- It seems most fair.

We have two people left.
We'll start with Erik.

This is such a responsibility.
Are you sure about this?

- Maybe there will be a little bit left.
- Not how I was thinking.

It goes a bit slowly.
We're setting up for a little bang!

You shouldn't be stingy,
but don't put too much.

- Now you can't eat the cake.
- No.

Safety glasses on!

Burn!

Come on! Now it's burning!

Yes!

Wow! I want to see it in slow motion.

When you think of something
beautiful, that’s not it.

- I'm barely thinking about a wedding.
- No.

- You should make it beautiful.
- Are small balls beautiful?

- I had curls.
- Curls, yes.

It was fun to see it in slow motion.
Can Claes beat that?

- Is it an opinion task?
- Yes, it's up to Babben.

Yes, yes... I understand.

- 50 seconds have passed.
- Yes. I'm going out.

- You'll go up there?
- No.

- Can I be where I want?
- Yes, but not at that house.

- Can we borrow the basketball hoop?
- Yes.

- Here?
- Yes.

Watch now.

Oh oh oh!

Yes... Wow. Nothing but net,
as you say.

The air time, it was
hanging in the air.

For the sake of justice,
let's see it without slow motion.

Yes, it's just as good.

- It looks very similar?
- Not really.

Yes!

This is a great moment for me.

Am I really here?
Has this really happened?

If I haven't won, it's
like stealing from a child.

- Then I know.
- Now I have three, four won.

Yes!

I am both strict and fair.

Now I will give a rating. There is
nothing personal about Marika and Ellen.

You were bad, simply, so
you get one point each.

Ola made an impressive performance.
Three points.

Four points to...

Claes. He brought it to new heights.
Five points to Erik.

Yes, blast! Yes, yes, yes!

- David.
- Erik leads with 25 points.

Ola has 20 points, and
Ellen has 19 points.

Claes has 12 points, and Marika has 7.

You can win an old cheese-

- and a pair of masks maybe
made by a film worker.

Anything can happen and
anything can change in the final.

It's time for the final.
The participants are ready.

We have a letter with instructions.

Marika, you should read it.

"Make as long a balloon
chain as possible."

"You must keep eye contact
with Babben. You have 60 seconds."

"The task begins when
David blows the whistle."

You have a bucket of balloons
under your drapes.

You also have rubber bands and tape.

You should put the balloons
together into a chain.

- Claes, do you see your fingers?
- Yes.

Where's the other finger? There.

You have 60 seconds.
Look at Babben.

- Look at her!
- The time begins...

- Finally.
- Erik...

- Look at Babben.
- This is hard.

- How-to?
- It's not going as I thought.

- Eye contact with Babben!
Half the time has passed. - No!

- Okay...
- Keep the stuff inside the cloth.

- I'm panicking!
- Four, three, two...

One! Get your hands up!

Then we'll see how long
your balloon chains are.

Ola's has already moved.

It's one, two, three balloons long.

- Three balloons.
- Yes.

- Marika, can I take this?
- Yes.

One balloon, two balloons,
three balloons...

It loosened!

- Two balloons.
- There were two.

- Look!
- There are two as well.

- I show...
- Four whole and a piece.

I want you to lift my skirt.

- Isn't this spectacular?
- Calm now!

- They don't stick together.
- They did until you poked.

This was also included.
Five pieces. Thanks.

- But...
- You must take care.

Put them down.

- I'm just lifting.
- It's pretty body-like.

- One, two, three.
- Yes, three balloons.

I'll start at the right end.

One, two, three, four,-

-five, six, seven, eight, nine!

- Ellen Bergström!
- Good there!

- Awesome!
- Damn!

We’ll count this up.
Come back to the couch.

- How'd the final go?
- It went like this...

Marika scored four points, climbing
up to 11 points in total.

Claes scored one point, climbing
up to 13 points in total.

You should be pleased with that.
Three points went to Ola and Erik.

Ola has 23 points and Erik 28.

Five points to Ellen, but
Erik wins the competition!

Yes!

Finally! Look here!

It was thrilling.
What have we learned tonight?

If you answer questions wrong,
you can harm another person.

Come back next week!