Brothers & Sisters (2006–2011): Season 1, Episode 13 - Something Ida This Way Comes - full transcript

Previously on"brothers & sisters".

he was hitting on me.

You are so full of yourself.

Chad barry has had,like,ten
girlfriends in the last year.

They say when you are a drug addict,

you're supposed to think of
something that you want to live for.

The thing I live for is.

is my family.

My staff made assumptions about us.

So you hijacked my date.

I thought you'd find it charming.



I can't date you.

I know.

So you are gay.

No,man.

But it doesn't mean I don't think you're hot.

We were having fun.That's all

well, I want us to have fun, and we don't.

Not like we used to.

Are you dating kitty walker?

How long have you two been seeing each other?

It's a picture frame.

It's so.

shiny and pretty.

It's just what I wanted for my birthday.



She hates it.

Well, we just thought with the baby coming...

No, no, no. You can never
have enough picture frames.

I love it.Thank you so much.

Sarah, this cake is so delicious.

I know, and it's store-bought.

Mom, I-I really wanted to bake, but,

you know, it's been really busy at work,

and Cooper's had this horrible flu
literally projectile vomiting.

Eating. Eating.

Sorry, guys.

Sarah, you don't have to make excuses.

I love store-bought white coconut cake.

It's my favorite. And besides that,

you know I didn't want a big birthday party.

No, I-I don't need anythingancy.

I know,I know.

Oh, my dear sister, you are many things,

bulow maintenance certainly ain't one of them.

Oh, Sauly, come on.

Now you know I was the one that insisted we do
something low-key and intimate and quiet.

This is perfect.

Oh, mother. You wanted a party.

No, I didn't. I don't!

- I told you. Didn't I tell you?
- Yeah

You know, in our defense, mom,
you were really quite convincing.

Kev, you don't have to apologize
for listening to me.

This isn't a-a wedding.

It's not a bar mitzvah.

It's just aging.

I'm 60.

More cake?

I can't believe she thought that was her party.

I know. I almost felt sorry for her.

Did you see that look of devastation
when we brought her the cake from Aisle Six?

oh, my god, it was total genius.

Okay, come on. Let's not pat
ourselves on the back quite yet.

We still have a surprise party to pull off.

Okay. 1:00 P.M.

Kitty leaves the house with mom
to take her to the matinee of "wicked"

Really? Not Kevin?

Didn't you use to date one
of those flying monkeys?

Don't laugh.One of those flying
monkeys got them house seats.

Excuse me. Who are you
texting so frantically?

Nothing frantic about it.
I have fast thumbs.

Great. I'll put them to
use in the kitchen.

I need you here by 9:00.

What...whoa,9:00?

Aren't I supposed to meet,

uh, Sparky's party
people at mom's house?

Uh-huh, in the afternoon.

Well, that's the whole day.

Come on, I have work to do.

How...look...how come Kitty
got out of this?

That would be a dead giveaway
if she left with us.

She lives there.

- Oh,yeah.
- Exactly.

Now, Saul, how are we doing
with the R.S.V.P.S?

41. Our usual closest
friends and relatives.

Good. Tommy, do we have
enough liquor for 40-plus?

Yeah,we're swimming in the stuff.

That vineyard Holly wants to buy, they're
just sending over crates of wine.

Great.

Okay, 2:00 P.M. Julia.

I know,I pick up the cake at Millie's.

Yeah, and I'm off to malibu
to get justin from rehab.

Report back to base
camp at 1700 hours, sir!

- Great.
- I gotta go.

Wait, wait, wait.

- Did we all leave ourvideo testimonials?
- Yes, I did it.

Mine's on that chair in the dining room.

Drive safe.

okay, Rachel Ray, time for bed.

No,no,no.

You can't get out of this.
We have a video to make.

You don't have to go, you know.

I have a whole pint of
ice cream in the fridge.

I guess you don't eat ice cream, right?

More of a sorbet man?

I just gotta get a good
night's sleep, that's all.

I have a big scene tomorrow.

My father's old mafia boss is trying
to kill me with a poisoned latte.

- I hope you live.
- I do.

My girlfriend Krista drinks it instead.

Oh,she's the...she's the nurse
with the huge breasts, right?

I thought you never watch the show, Mr Snob.

I just started tivoing it.

You did?

So what do you think?

I think you're great.

My sister Sarah's been filling
me in on who's who.

She used to watch it all the
time when she was pregnant.

She can't get over the
fact we're hanging out.

You told your sister about us?

Just...yeah,just that we're
friend it's...it's fine.

Don't worry. It's fine.

It's just, we gotta be careful, dude.

This is career suicide for me.

- You understand, right?
- Yeah. Yeah, of course.

You know, you're a tv heartthrob
with a girlfriend. Come on.

It'd be stupid for me to think that this is,

you know, anything more
than what it is. It's fine.

Don't be like that.

Look, I've been with other guys
before, but never more than once.

This is a big deal for me.

You should get a good night's rest.

I wouldn't want you to accidentally
drink the poisoned latte.

Cool.

I'll text you good night?

Nothing says good night like a text.

Hey, mom.

Uh, happy birthday.

You taught me to be a
friend and a mother.

I'm definitely my mother's daughter...
the good,the bad and the ugly.

Not that there's anything ugly.

Oh, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

What? That was okay.That was good.

Stop. I gotta...I gotta do it again.

Go again.Just give me a second.

Happy birthday, mom.

Ah,keep prac...keep practicing.Just a sec.

60 years old. 60 years young.

Quiet on the set, please.

Sarah's toast to her mom, take 16.

It's not fair.

Kitty has such an advantage.

She had her own tv show.

Yeah. Um, you can do it.

- Come on.
- Okay.

Make love to the camera, baby.

Oh,stop it. Cut it out.

Oh,yeah.

What are you doing?

That's what I'm talkin' about.

What? Joe!

Come on!

We're not.

making a sex video.

Oh, hey. There's an idea.

Yeah.You're insane.

You know, you said that you
wanted to have more fun.

This would be fun.

Yeah. Yeah,right.

We do it right here on the couch with the kids upstairs
and Cooper about to wake up at any moment to puke.

That is so hot.

You're serious.

Joe! Come on.

This is the same tape as my
mother's 60th video tribute.

I put in a new tape.

You did?

if this ends up on the internet--

we'll make a million.

No, no, Betty, it was exactly what I wanted.

You remember Renee Baumann's 60th?

It was a total debacle.

Half the neighborhood ended
up with food poisoning.

I...Betty, there's someone at the door.

I have to go.

I'll call you right back. Bye-bye.

Mom.

Oh, my god, mom!

Well, Nora, please get out of the doorway.

It's cold out there.

Mother, what are you doing here?

Well, it's your birthday, Honey.

What do you think I'm doing here?
Actually, my birthday was two days ago.

You're a little late.

Late? The party is not till tonight.

What party?

Well, your birthday party, obviously.

I have the feeling it was supposed
to be a surprise, mother.

A surprise party.

- I see.
- It's okay. That's okay, mother.

Maybe you didn't know.

These things can happen, I guess.

So it's my fault now?

Would you get my bag?

The cab driver left it out at the curb.

Oh, my god.

Brothers And Sisters 113
"Something Ida This Way Comes"

Right. One second. One second.

I told you I did not want a big to-do!

Are you crazy, Nora? It's your 60th birthday.

Did you think we really were
gonna stop at coconut cake?

I certainly didn't think you would
invite our mother to a surprise party

which I was very clear about
not wanting in the first place!

Not that clear.

I mean, she calls me every sunday
night.What am I supposed to do?

I mean, if I thought that
she was actually gonna come...

Well, of course she would come!

You invited her!

I did not invite her!

She's here because she loves you.

No, don't...don't...

She never even came to
my husband's funeral!

What kind of mother is that?

- Just calm down.
- I'm calm.

- All right, let's go.
- All right, fine.

Hi,mom. I'll make you some coffee.

You have so many fancy gadgets here.

Do you even use half this stuff?

I like to cook, mom.

it's not cooking when you use all this stuff.

It's cheating.

Yeah.

Here she comes, people, our fearless leader.

Your kitchen awaits.

Hon, you okay?

Yeah, I just--um, my tummy's a little off.

No,don't. Don't "uh-oh" me.

I'm not gonna get sick.

You look green.

like Kermit the frog, green.

I am cooking for 40-plus.

I do not have time to get sick.

Okay.

- Where do you want the...the
- oh, god.

Lamb?

What? No. No, no. You're kidding
me. You can't be sick.

I already told myself
that, kevin. It didn't work.

Look, the party's in 9
hours and 33 minutes.

I am really sorry, guys.

Oh, Sarah, this is so not your fault.

Yes, it is her fault! I told her to...

I told you to get a flu shot!

How is this helping?

It's not.

Well, look, I can't cook for everybody.

Well, clearly, we do have to find a caterer.

For tonight?

Okay, guys, just calm down.

Where the hell is Kitty?

What--she's not doing anything for this party.

Kitty is already making calls from her office.

The bulk of the planning is already done.

I just...I need you guys to just...
to step up and take the reins,

okay, and communicate with each other.

Now can I trust that you can handle this, guys?

- Yes.
- yeah

Good,because I'm gonna go and throw up now.

You're strictly kosher?

Well...well,just...just say that I
wanted to get , like, a cream sauce on--

well, okay.

Okay, okay.

I--it--it.

Good shabbas?

Don't ask. It's my mother's
60th birthday party tonight.

Ah,the big 6-0.

Yeah, and, uh, we are suddenly without food.

So the big 6-0 is about to become a big fast
unless I can find a caterer, and I can't.

Use mine.

- Excuse me?
- Yeah, I have a small catering staff at the ranch.

Of course you do.

Pietro is world-class.

His crab cakes are unbelievable.

Not kosher, but.

Pietro, it's Robert.

Listen,I have a little
bit an emergency.

There's an event in L.A.

Tonight, and I need you.

Okay. I'll call you back with the info.

Crisis averted.

Uh, thank you.

- It's nothing.
- No.

No, it's not nothing.

You just saved me--
well,saved--

you saved all of us from giving my
mother a second horrible birthday party.

And,you know, um

you should come.

Thank you.

No, no. I'm--I'm serious.

You can come and eat crab
cakes and...and "cake" cake and,

you know, you'd meet the whole
entire crazy family.

Well, not that it's gonna be one of those
small, intimate family dinner parties.

My mother is actually shockingly popular,

but, you know, there'll be lots of
people, and, well, mostly democrats.

That's okay, you'll blend in,

you know, unless, of
course, you have plans already.

Just fraternizing with the enemy.

Well, good.

So you know how this is gonna work, right?

Yeah, I'm his, uh, his chaperone, kind of.

Not "kind of" Tommy.

We're releasing
justin under your supervision.

It's really important that
you're with him at all times.

Is there any chance of me getting
an anklet like Martha Stewart?

Just kidding.

We need you to sign these papers.

It's mostly for the insurance company.

It sys that you're gonna be assuming all
liabilities for the time he's not under our roof.

Sure.

Also that you will not be taking Justin anyplace
where drugs or alcohol will be readily available.

Is that a problem?

Uh, no, no, no.

Not a problem.

Just--uh,just bring it all in
and set it down anywhere.

That'd be great. Thank you very much.

What are-- what are those?

Oh, these goblets?

Aren't they fabulous?

What.

What's..what's going.

Who's in charge here?

Uh, Sparky's in the dining room.

What--excuse me!

Um, are--are you Sparky?

Doesn't this look great?

It's your family's personalized coat of arms.

Okay,stop.

What--I'm sorry. What are you talking ab--

what's with the gob-- why does it look
like the set of "camelot" in here?

It's the medieval package.

It's not what you ordered?

No, no, no. We ordered the mid-level package.

There's no such thing.

You must have checked the wrong box.

It says in the contract--

Okay, okay. It's my mother's 60th, okay?

Throwing her a party with a middle-aged theme
would be a little on the nose, don't you think?

uh, sir, the wine?

Yeah, yeah, 30 seconds.

- Hello?
- I'm just double-checking.

Are you sure you want to include
all this footage on your mom's tape?

What--uh,uh,yes.Why?

Uh, well, this one tape, it's a little

uh, hold on a second. I have another call.

Tommy, where are you?

You're not gonna believe this.

We can't have alcohol at the house.

What?

It's the only way they'll
allow Justin to be there.

Okay.It's now officially a nightmare.

Hey, it's not my rule.

Don't get defensive. Just get here.

You were saying?

What I'm trying to tell you is,

- one of these tapes is too racy
- sir, I'm on a schedule.

Ok, that's great. You can just
put it back on the truck.

Guys! You can just put it back on the truck.

- Excuse me, Mr.Walker, this is too racy
- My job is to deliver, not take away.

Okay, fine. Deliver it upstairs.Anything.

Upstairs is extra.

Whatever you have,just put it on there.

I don't have time for this now,
okay? Thank you, bye.

- Mr.Walker?
- Yeah?

We're senator McCallister's security detail.

Right,and--and you're here because?

the senator will be attending
a party here this evening.

Says who?

His schedule.

Did my sister invite him?

We don't deal with his personal life.

We're just here to sweep the house.

Right.

You won't even notice we're here.

I doubt that.

I love going to a matinee.

I really, really loved it.

I tell you what,I don't know why
kevin ended things with that flying monkey.

He was just adorable.

What are you doing?

My lips are dry.

This weather is so weird.

All right. Shall we go?

No, I'll get the door.

Okay.

So what are we gonna-- surprise!

Oh, my goodness!

Oh, my. Well,I--I'm just.

Is that a coat of arms?

Well, yeah, yeah.

You...well, we know how you like them.

Oh,yes. It's

pretty.

I-I can't believe what you pulled off, truly.

Ah, well, Sarah deserves most of the credit.

What did I do all day?

Sarah got the flu from the kids.

She's hoping to make it for cake.

And, Justin!

Oh, Justin, having you here is the
biggest gift of them all.

Happy birthday, mom. You look great.

Nora, a peasant girl told
me there is no alcohol.

What is going on here?

I'll--I'll get you a sparkling
cranberry juice, grandma.

Well, who's the movie star?

Senator McCallister, you came. Great.

Hi.
- I Told you.

So much for just fitting in.

Oh, yeah.

Is this a costume party?

Apparently it is.

But, you know, our house doesn't usually,

you know, look like this.

Nora, very happy birthday.

I am so sorry to just be getting here,

but you know the rule-- be early or late.

Anything in the middle risks ruining the surprise.

- Well, it wouldn't have mattered anyway,
- because I already-- mother.

Yeah, well, you know,

Senator McCallister, when sarah got sick,

he-- he generously gave us his chef.

Just an act of culinary bipartisanship.

Well, thank god for you.

or there'd be nothing to eat either.

Uh, Kevin, do you think maybe
you could show grandma the couch?

Sure. Like I haven't done enough today.

Come on, grandma.

Look at you.

You are so handsome.

Why are you still a bachelor?

How is your love life?

Are you dating anybody?

Uh, I d--I don't--no. It's-- see,

you just haven't met the
right girl yet, that's all.

It's gonna happen.

That's--grandma, the thing is, I'm--

oh, look at you blushing.

If I was your age, I would date you.

You know what? I'm gonna get us some wine.

Just, uh, just keep it on the D.L.

Yeah. Keep it on the D.L.

- A spinach custard.
- Kind of a custard? Kind of.

A-- You, come with me now.

Excuse me.

Here I come.

Where did they hide the booze?

Tell me. Really, I'm not joking.

Nora, if I knew where it was, I'd be drunk by now.

Mom is driving me crazy.

I'm gonna end up institutionalized
on my 60th birthday.

Why do you let her get to you?

Why don't you just walk away?

Oh,where would I go? She's like
a heat-seeking missile.

What am I gonna do with the two of you?
You're both behaving like children.

How? How am I behaving like a child?

You both blame each other for
the same thing, Nora.

- What has she been telling you?
- Nothing.

There's just so much misunderstanding
going on here.

Oh, no, I understand everything she says.

I wish I didn't.

All right, tell me something.

Did you tell her not to
come to William's funeral?

She told me that you didn't want her there.

I can't believe you listen to her.

She asked me if it would be all right
if she went on a cruise to the bahamas.

What was I supposed to say "no, mother, I really think
it's a better idea if you come to my husband's funeral"?

Well, maybe she just wanted you to
tell her that you wanted her to come.

You know what? It was not about her.

My husband died.

It was not my responsibility
to make her feel better.

Why do you always take her side?

I don't take anyone's side.

All right.

Oh, senator, hello.

Excuse me. I just want to
see how everyone's doing.

No, um, don't I know you? I feel like I.

Yes. I cooked at a benefit
for the children's wish.

Oh, that's right!

Ah, that was my husband's favorite charity.

It's being threatened, you know.

A consortium of businessmen--

they've, uh, figured out a way to manipulate eminent
domain to knock down the church and build a supermarket.

It's appalling.

I didn't think you republicans
cared about things like that.

You know, Nora, I bet you and I
could find a lot to agree on.

In fact, I'm sure you're in complete
agreement on what an astonishing woman kitty is.

Ah, you know, you should relax.

You're never gonna get her vote.

Oh, I don't know. I-I think he's
my favorite republican,

right behind Abe Lincoln.

Any more ravioli left?

The senator's thugs.

Kevin, have you met senator mccallister?

Uh, no, not officially, although
I am familiar with his politics.

Hi, I'm kevin, the gay brother.

How you doing?

It is the senator here who provided us
with this fabulous feast for tonight.

Maybe we can leave the
political debate alone for a while?

Oh, absolutely, of course.

Maybe one day, he can even
cater my wedding,

although he'd have to be voted out of
office for that to happen, right?

Not necessarily.

My senatorial duties don't
preclude catering.

Kevin, talk.

Now, please.

Take your time.

The one contribution you made to this
party is to bring senator homophobe.

Kevin, I really thought that you
and I were done with this.

Oh, god, you miss the point!

Okay, okay.

It is one thing to go and work for the
guy, which I have finally come around to.

But to bring him to m--our house,
to my mother's birthday party?

He gave us his chef.

It was the nice thing to do.

Oh,you know what? You have no room to talk.

What--what, sleeping with a closeted actor?

Who told you?

Uh, Tommy did.

- What?
- I never said a word.

You're the one blabbing to the entire family.

Okay,whatever. Look,where did you hide the wine?

I need to get grandma a drink ASAP.

It's in the closet.

You put the wine in my closet?

Is your little boyfriend in there?

he's not my boyfriend!

Keep it down. What's wrong with you?

all right, we're about to start the video.

Where's Justin?

If he does something stupid tonight--

Tommy, we have to trust him.

We can't, Kitty. That's why he's in rehab.

No, he's in rehab to get better,

and that involves taking responsibility
for things that he's already done,

and he told me that he had to go see tyler.

Wait. He--he what?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess he had
to go apologize to her,

you know, face-to-face.

Kitty, you--you-- you let him go?

No. No, I pinned him down
and I gave him a wedgie,

but I just couldn't keep him there.

What was I supposed--
of course I let him go.

- I don't know.maybe
- you have to try and trust him,okay?

Okay, fine, but if anything happens,

it's-- it's on your hands.

Kids, kids, come on.

They're gonna show your video.

Come on. Come on.

You're like a fine wine, Nora Walker.

- Happy birthday,mom.
- Happy birthday,nora.

- Love you.
- We love you.

if this ends up on the internet--

are they...?

Uh,where's the remote?

How do you stop--come on!

How do you--how do you-- no,no,no!

Tommy, how do you turn this thing off?

I can't believe this is happening.

Senator, please don't watch.

Please, I'm in politics.

I've pretty much seen everything.

there's nothing-- it doesn't--
it doesn't...

- oh,joe.
- Ah,boy.

Hey, Jack.

Sarah.

Hey, Sarah.

What are you doing here?

I said I'd try and make it if I felt okay.

Joe, what's going on?

What are you talking about?

Yeah, sure.

Why are there cops here anyway?

And who the hell are those guys?

Oh, those are serfs.

Senator, would--would you like some wine?

I thought this was a dry party.

Mm-hmm, but I-- I know a guy.

Come on.This--this way.

Thanks for coming.

You--you look great.

I don't have a lot of time.

I-I won't keep you.

I-I need to get back to my mom's party anyway.

I just.

I came to apologize.

I'm not here to make an excuse, because
there is no excuse for what I did.

But I--I'm in rehab.

So you're out making amends,huh?

That's part of the program, isn't it?

How high up am I on your list?

You're right under my family.

Look, that night I got high at the hotel,

I don't even remember much.

And--and that girl, honestly,

she's just someone I used to use with.

We just try to forget
about stuff together.

What were you trying to
forget about that day,me?

No. Tyler, look,

you were the best thing that's
happened to me in a long time.

What do you want me to say?

Justin, you may have
been high, but I wasn't.

And I remember everything.

God, look, I am so sorry.

I get out in a week.

- C-can I see you?
- Justin

look, it doesn't have to be a date,right?

You--you can bring one of my family members.

Just pick one.I--

I'm seeing someone.

That--I--that's great.

That's great. I'm--I'm--I'm-- I'm
really-- I'm really happy for you.

What are you gonna do after rehab?

I'm going back.

Uh, to the middle east.

They--they called me to iraq.

Oh,my god.

You found out that day, didn't you?

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't want to use it as an excuse.

Oh, justin.

Uh,yeah,you know,you--you should go.

I don't want to keep you.

Yeah.

um, tell your mom I said happy birthday.

Yeah.

this is where you keep the wine,
where do you keep your clothes?

Oh,just shut your mouth and
come on. Shut the door.

I am having, like, a fifth grade
flash back of dina segerson

and seven minutes in heaven.

Have you always been a closet drinker?

Are you done?

No, I'll--I'll think of some more.

This is quite a collection.

Oh, yeah.

If only my shoes could talk.

These are sufficiently slutty.

What's their story?

Hamptons, 2002,

broke a heel dancing on a table,
got sandwiched in between this,

uh, club promoter and some
tortured playwright.

Do you want to explain those?

oh,my god.

Yes. Halloween two years ago.

tribeca loft party, uh, Jonathan
and I went as sonny and cher.

Jonathan?

Uh,yeah.

Uh, jonathan, my

ex-fiance.

Yeah,I'd rather talk about my shoes.

Understood.

You know, tonight was unusually
bizarre, even for my family.

Are you kidding me? It's been fantastic.

It's like dinner theater or the circus.

Well, you certainly managed to
charm the pants off thringleader.

I think my mother was actually
batting her eyelashes at you.

There was no batting.

Senator, there was, and you don't
have to be modest with me.

Please, we're in a closet. Call me robert.

Okay, well, robert, so now that you've
managed to make my mother fall in love with you,

why don't you just tell kevin
that you have a gay brother?

Mm, because I don't trade in
that kind of currency.

I'm no gonna use my brother to
get your brother's approval.

well, it would make things a lot easier.

Make what easier?

Mm, sorry.

You know, we've been in here
for, like, over a minute now,

and we haven't even done anything.

I've gotten more action from Dina
Segerson in the fifth grade.

I can't.

And it's not that I don't want to--

I don't mean that I-- I do want to.

It's just that even if I did want to,

I couldn't.

With that kind of logic,are you
sure you're not a democrat?

Besides,I'm on a fast.

- A man-fast?
- emm

- Meaning?
- No men.

You know, temporarily.

Well, as you can see, I've--I've
worn a lot of shoes in my life.

So now it's just time to focus on
me for a while and go barefoot.

Okay.

But hypothetically speaking?

You mean hypothetically if
I didn't work for you?

Hypothetically speaking,of course.

You'd be the first pair I'd try on.

I just don't understand. I'm out
of commission for eight hours,

and the party turns into
a medieval circus.

Yeah, well, you ordered
this medieval circus,

which happens to be the
most expensive package.

No, I-I ordered the med-- the mid-

- the mid-level.
- Ding.

Oh, my god.

Oh, mom, I am so sorry about your party.

Sweetie, no one really saw anything.

Well,speak for yourself.

Uh,uh,uh, the theme.

She's--she's upset about the theme.

The theme is so festive.

- Oh,come on,mom.
- It's so festive.

There is armor on the wall.

There are serfs in the bathroom.

and where's all the wine?

I mean, isn't that all they did
in the middle ages, drink wine?

And what's with all the state troopers?

Oh, they are state troopers,
and they're my fault.

Senator.

How you doing?

And we had to promise no wine
when we took justin out of rehab.

Out of where?

mother.

Justin is in a rehab program.

He's a drug addict.

Oh, mom, a little more discretion.

We are in the presence of a U.S.Senator.

Well, it's nothing to be embarrassed of.

Oh, but homosexuality is?

oh, kevin, you know, please, enough.

Can you just please tell him
that you have a gay brother, too?

Who's gay?

I think you just outed two
brothers for the price of one.

Thanks, Kitty. That would be me,

grandma.I'm gay.

Oh, you're not gay.

Justin, maybe.

But you-- oh,I-I-I-I am,uh,gay.

I swear. I am.

Oh, mother, stop acting so horrified.

You are loving every second of this.

Pietro, do that pick up?

Why is everybody in the kitchen, huh?

Is everything okay?

Well, hardly.

Justin is an addict, Kevin is gay,

and--and this one is shooting
pornographic movies.

Pornographic what?

The sex tape that you and Joe shot,

it ended up on my video.

- Oh,no.
- Yeah.

- No,it didn't.
- yes,it did.

Joe.

Joe.

Why didn't you tell me about the tape?

Hon, I was gonna tell you after the party.

- I didn't to ruin your party here.
- We're supposed to be a team.

Uh,we were a team.

It's not funny!

What else don't I know about this family?

Ma,let's go sit down,okay?

No, no, Saul.

She wants to know so I'm gonna tell her.

Mother, William cheated on me.

Yes! Is that what you wanted to hear?

William had an affair with another
woman for almost half my marriage--

and not only that,hold on--
he was an embezzler.

As it turns out,a very
successful embezzler,

but an embezzler nonetheless.

So it turns out you were right.

Are you happy now?

Of course I'm not happy.

I'm not surprised,but I'm not happy.

- What are you--you-
- okay,okay,okay,mom.

That's it,that's it.

Let's go. That's enough.

Where?

I'm taking you to my house, and
tomorrow morning you're flying home.

Well,what did I do?

It's Nora's birthday, mom.

She's had a terrible year, and you haven't
been nice to her since you got here.

I'm sorry I invited you.

I really am.

I have never

understood this family.

That's because you never even tried.

- Mom-
- no,nora.

It's--it's okay.

that was some serious family drama.

I think you finally drove off McCallister

and his band of merry me

Good. I'm sure kitty's apologizing
for us all right now.

Oh,whatever.

At least your asses weren't
plastered all over a plasma.

Don't laugh. It's not funny.

I can't even look at you people anymore.

Imagine how we feel.

Yeah. Bold choice with the couch.

- Oh, stop it.
- Have you been doing yoga?

Okay, that's enough.

Meanwhile, can we talk about
grandma for a second?

I know, I know.

I mean, you know she's nice to us,

but I forget with mom, she's joan crawford.

Can you imagine having that as your parent?

You gotta hand it to her. I mean,

she turned out pretty well considering.

- Yeah.
- To mom.

Justin.

And I'm the one in rehab.

Uh,where--where the hell have you been?

Not been drinking, unlike you drunk bastards.

Wait, come in. Shut the door.

It's like a speakeasy in here.

We were just-- just getting wasted.

Relax. I'm not gonna ground you.

So, uh, how'd it go with Tyler?

She's great. She's seeing someone already.

To Tyler!

You suck. Both of you.

Mother, stop it. Now stop packing. Stop it.

You.are...not going anywhere tonight.

I know you never liked him...William.

What--what was it you always called him,

the...the charmer, the...the

- operator.
- The operator.

Yes, the operator.

You didn't want me to get hurt.

You were being my mother.

When I think of somebody hurting my kids.

but,mother,listen to me.

Grown-up kids make big old grown-up mistakes.

And you were right, weren't you?

I've tried to imagine why he needed somebody else.

I don't think I'll ever understand it.

But I want you to know,

mother,we had a good marriage.

I know.

You do?

Your father.

spent all of his life in the office.

Or at least,that's what he said.

In any case,it was hardly a great marriage.

Not even a good one.

And when I looked at yours,

I could see the difference.

There were times when I...I almost left.

Why didn't you?

You and saul.

And. I didn't want to be alone.

I realize no that I am anyway.

Now, Nora, I wanted to come to William's funeral.

I thought that since I'd said
so many terrible things about him

you wouldn't want me there.

So I told you about the cruise because I
wanted to give you an easy way for you to say

"don't come."

Oh, mother.

I should've insisted that you come.

I just didn't want to take
care of you that day.

I wanted somebody to take care of me.

Here. I didn't have a chance to go shopping.

I got that--

that frame through one
of those catalogs.

That's you.

That's the oldest picture I could find.

You were so beautiful

even as an infant.

There wasn't a day I
didn't hear someone say

you looked like a sears roebuck doll.

Thanks, mom.

Now if you don't mind, I'm just
gonna lie down for a little while.

I don't feel like going back to that party.

All right.

If there's cake, do you
want me to come get you?

Not so much.

All right.

Nora, you must've done something right.

You've got a house full of children.

If I didn't call Saul on sundays,

I don't think I would ever hear
from either one of you.

That's not true.

I'm glad you came,mom.

You made coffee.

I was hoping to take you to
Jinky's for breakfast.

Oh, it's much cozier here. Don't you think?

Oh, thank you.

If you're hungry, I have
some leftover birthday cake.

Oh,that's right.

How was the party? I never asked.

it was insane.

It was kinda like this huge
family meltdown, only really fun.

Oh, senator McCallister was there.

You're kidding.

No.

His brother is gay,you know?

Yeah,I know.

He cruised me once at the gym.

It must be almost impossible
for you to work out.

hang on a second.

hey.

Ah, just at some friend's house.

Yeah, I'd love to shoot some hoops later.

I'll give you a call?

Right on.

sorry about that.

Well,of course. That's where you are now.

Some friend's house.

- Kev
- no,I know.

It's just, I'm--I'm not used to
being this guy, you know?

I've always been the one with intimacy issues.

I've always been the one feeling bad

because I've let someone down.

Come on, let's go to Jinky's.

Really?

Breakfast in the outside world?

Gee, I'm the luckiest guy in town.

Don't make fun of me.

Come on. Let me look in my closet.

Maybe I can find you a little disguise.

Oh, god.

Bro,you okay?

Okay, first thing, let's--

let's retire "bro" from the bedroom.

And second...oh, excuse me.

Tommy,just come here.

The last thing in the world you want
to do is get julia and the fetus sick.

All right,"baby."

Whatever. Just come here.

Okay, I'll see you soon.

Tommy's got it,too.

How's your sister?

Oh, she's not moving.

We all spent too much time in the closet.

How do you feel?

Better.

Now that your grandmother is
on her way to the airport.

Oh,yeah.We've all decided we--

We all feel terrible about your childhood.

Well, that's a reversaL.

I just hope I'm not like her.

But I think I am a little like her.

I mean, I'm opinionated like her and stubborn

and she says whatever the
hell comes to her mind like--

Yeah, not such a bad role
model for a girl in the '50s,

or a gay man now.

Genetics-- very strong thing.

You look awful.

Thank you, Ida.

- Good morning.
- Morning.

- Is she off?
- Yep.

She's headed back to the desert
with the rest of the scorpions.

Oh, don't.

They're like little mini lobsters.

Saul!

Oh,honey.

I'll bring you some tea when you're finished.

I should be wearing a mask.

Saul.

Thank you for last night
and everything with mother.

You haven't done that since.

right after my seventh grade
christmas recital. Remember?

Yeah. She said you couldn't sing.

Well, I can't sing, but she
didn't have to tell me.

Right.

You're a good big brother, then and now.

I couldn't pick a better person
know for every chapter of my life.

We both lucked out.

- Here.
- Okay.

You have to rinse those before
you put 'em in the dishwasher.

- Nora.
- All right.

- Shut up.
- Okay.

Fine.

I'll wash 'em again later.

Just go ahead.

okay.

How is everybody doing?

I think I'm dying.

This is all Sarah's fault.

Is this what happens when people have kids?

They spread disease?

Tommy, you're building your immune
system. It's very important.

Now I've got saltine crackers, I've got ginger ale,

- I've got applesauce.
- Oh, god.

Oh,thomas,be nice.

Mother, you're really enjoying this,aren't you?

Doorbell.

Who could be at the door?

Hare krishnas.

Nora. I come bearing soup.

Whoa, senator, that's so sweet of you,

and un-senatorial.

Well, uh, the house was smack
between speaking engagements.

Really,where?

San Diego and San Francisco.

So I stopped at Feinberg's and I
got you 2 gallons and bagel chips.

Kitty's upstairs.

Oh, okay. Uh,

tell her that last night was
the perfect dose of family,

and that I really needed it.

Well, thank you for the soup and for Pietro.

And one more thing, if you don't mind.

Please tell Kitty to let me know when
she's ready to go shoe shopping again.

My, you are a friendly boss.

Yes,I-I certainly will do that, senator.

And now please go fumigate yourself.

- Good to see you.
- Bye.

- He brought soup.
- Oh, big whoop.

Maybe he could use it as his next campaign.

"Vote for me-- get soup."

ooh, chicken noodle. Sweet.

Oh, you're such a hypocrite, Kevin.

I'm eating it doesn't mean I have to like him.

You kids just eat your soup, really slowly.

A chip?

Oh I want a chip.