Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 8, Episode 9 - The Last Day Pt 1 - full transcript
The squad takes stock of their eight years together and look toward's their future.
Terry loves waking up.
Terry loves waking up.
Terry...
Good morning, honey.
Time to...
What the hell are you doing?
It's Holt and Amy's
last day,
so we're having
a final heist!
It's heist day!
Couldn't you have
just sent an email?
Nope, this was
the only way.
I have to go alert
the others.
See you soon.
It's heist day, Rosa!
Oops, sorry
about your milk.
Gotta go!
Niko, it's time for school.
It's heist day, Charles!
Where's Nikolaj?
He's crying in
the closet. Gotta go.
Babe, what are
you doing?
I was hiding
so I could surprise you.
But if you're here,
then who's in our shower?
It's me, Captain Holt.
It's heist day, Jake.
Oh!
For Captain Holt
and Amy's last day,
I've been granted
permission to throw
a final non-holiday
associated heist.
But before
we begin, I'd like
to say a few words.
These last eight years
have been some
of the best
of my life.
I will always cherish
our time together.
But not as much as
I will cherish
drowning you all
in your own blood.
What?
It's the
final heist,
and I will chop off your limbs
and feed them to your young.
Now quit stalling
and introduce it.
That's the spirit!
Now since there
have never been
an official
two-time heist winner...
I won three times.
One, at best!
Anyhoo, the point is,
all past heists
will be forgotten
and the only real
winner that matters
is this year's
as they shall be crowned
the Grand Champion
of the Nine-Nine.
I wish I could join you all,
but I want everyone to know
I am not playing.
Here we go again.
Oh, Terry.
It's true.
I have my interview
to be the captain
of the Nine-Nine
this afternoon.
We've all seen
this movie before.
You pretend not
to play and then
at some key moment
you come Kool-Aid Manning
through a brick wall
and win the whole thing.
I can't run through walls.
I am a normal human person.
You do have
the Kool-Aid Man's
exact physique
and personality.
But he's not lying,
Terry will not
be heisting.
I had him
get a notarized letter
that says he legally
cannot win.
You cheated on me
with another notary?
Amy, you're making it sound
more intimate than it was.
He just
embossed something.
"Just embossed"?
What else are
you gonna tell me?
Did you just put your
thumbprint in his log book?
Both of them.
Oh, my God!
You know what?
We'll talk about
this later.
Moving on. The six of us
will vie for the crown.
You mean seven.
You forgot about me.
You're not a part
of this, Hitchcock.
You're in Brazil.
Or am I?
Come and find out.
Stop trying to trick
us into visiting you
in South America.
I'm kind
of the biggest ball
in the sack here.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
the locals wouldn't
agree with that.
Okay! We're gonna
start off in teams.
I'm sure everyone
could use the extra help
since this year's heist
was so spur of the moment
and no one had time to plan
anything too complicated.
This year's plan
is insanely complicated.
Check it out.
We will be selecting
our partners
with the help
of a beloved
Nine-Nine fixture,
the big bag
of loose teeth.
What the hell?
Are those human?
It's evidence
from a century
of bar brawls.
The story of New York
is in this bag.
The story of New York
is gross.
Yeah, Terry,
we live in a hell-mouth.
Now, in this bag is
a tooth with each
of your initials on it.
Who wants to root
around inside
and pick a partner?
I'm not putting
my hand in a bag
of dirty old teeth.
It's not dirt,
it's old blood
and dried phlegm.
Who's in? No one?
Are you really
all that squeamish?
Of course they're
all that squeamish.
It's part of my plan.
I'll volunteer
to reach into the bag,
so I can rig
the selection
process using...
...this magnet.
Pretty dope, right?
I've also added
metal fillings
to certain teeth
to ensure we get
the pairings
that we want.
Holt will be playing
with Norm Scully.
His name is Norm?
My name is Norm?
We don't have to break
into teams this year.
You're lucky.
Hitchcock's with me,
so you're actually
getting two partners.
Three if you include
my donkey friend.
Say hello to the team,
Donkey Scully.
He named him after me!
All right. Rosa Diaz,
your partner will be
the lovely Amy Santiago.
Diaz,
you wanna trade?
Hitchcock, Scully,
and the donkey,
three for one?
I'll even throw
in Cheddar.
Why? So he can spy on me?
Oh, please.
Cheddar's not a spy.
Abort,
she's onto us.
So Cheddar has an earpiece?
Wait, if Terry's out,
that means...
Oh, yeah.
It's you and me, buddy.
But I don't get it.
Why don't you want us
to be on the same team?
Because, Amy,
no one can know that
we're working together.
Smart. And Charles
will never
be suspicious
because he'll be so excited
to be your teammate.
Yeah, that sweet
little dumb-ass.
For the final heist,
we will all be
competing for this.
Is that my medal
of valor from
the very first heist?
It is modeled after it,
yes, but this is far
more meaningful.
I got mine for saving
the life of Maya Angelou.
Boring! This one says
Grand Champion on it
and it's made out of golt.
A non-gold alloy
that should not be
handled by women
who are pregnant
or nursing.
Yours is garbage.
And this golden vessel
is from the precinct's
old pneumatic tube system.
It's been outfitted
with a time-release lock
set for midnight.
Whoever has the medal
at that time will
be the winner.
Now, let the Last Day
Heist begin.
It's an amazing
plan, babe.
Thank you very much.
And everyone's gonna
be so shocked
when they find out
the big surprise,
that I'm leaving
the Nine-Nine.
What did you just say?
Yeah.
What do you mean
you're leaving?
I mean,
that's what
I want to do.
But only
if you agree.
I don't understand.
Well, for weeks
we've been trying
to figure out
how you can do
your new job
and still have us
be there for Mac
as much as we want.
And I really
think this is it.
Yeah, but we have
other options.
Yeah.
But I think this
is the best one.
Look, you know
I was scared
about having kids
'cause I didn't want
to be like my dad.
But if I do this,
I have a chance to be
the exact opposite.
And I don't want Mac
to ever feel the way
I felt growing up.
And I get that,
I really do.
But you love
being a detective.
I know.
It's all I ever
wanted to be.
Until now.
Now, all I care
about is what's
best for our family.
And Ames, this is it.
I mean,
you've earned this
incredible opportunity.
You can't do it halfway,
it's too important.
And Mac's
my little buddy.
I want to be
at home with him.
Are you sure?
Because we could figure
something else out.
You know I would do
anything for you.
I would do anything
for you, too.
Will you run
that half-marathon?
I'm never running
the half-marathon, Amy.
You gotta stop asking.
You really think
you'll be happy?
I don't want you
to give up your dream
job just for me.
I have a new
dream job now.
Trust me,
I wouldn't say it
if I didn't mean it.
I love you.
I love you, too.
So, we're good?
Yeah. We're good.
Oh, thank God,
I spent so much
money on this plan.
How much money, Jake?
I mean,
not an insane amount.
Mac definitely
has to go to state
college now,
but the important
thing is we're on
the same page.
No.
Let me tell you
about the plan.
So the heist is
actually going to be
the perfect goodbye.
What does that mean?
Drama, glamor,
shocking twists and turns.
And the whole heist
ends up with everyone
at the Brooklyn Bridge.
Is that meaningful?
Have we ever been there
together as a squad?
Uh, yeah.
I'm not sure why we all
looked so intense,
we were just getting falafel.
I mean,
that falafel stand
is really good.
True that. Yeah.
Anyways, once
everyone arrives,
there's gonna be
a huge fireworks display.
Uh-uh, no.
Remember when
you almost blew
off your thumb
with that M-80?
No fireworks.
Okay, fine!
But luckily I have
a surprise guest lined up.
I reached out
to Bruce Willis' people
and they said
that he would,
"Not engage with
something like that."
So, I think
it's gonna work out.
Okay, but why are we
on different teams?
Because in order
for this to work,
we absolutely have
to win the first leg
of the heist.
It doubles our chances.
Got it.
So basically, we just
have to keep Holt
from getting that tube.
Yes, indeed.
I just realized we haven't
been alone without Mac
for like three months.
Desk?
Yep. Let's do it.
Enough talk.
I'm getting that tube.
Where'd it go?
That tube has been
whisked off
to a secret location
which only I know.
And since
I'm not competing,
I've agreed to help out.
I designed the first
part of the heist
to be a scavenger hunt
through memorable moments
from the last eight years.
It's a trip down
memory lane.
Not a problem.
I have the memory
of a... The...
...thing with the big
nose and ears.
Prince Charles.
No.
I hid five clues,
each leading to the next.
And the last one
gets you the tube.
The first clue
is under your chairs.
"Our fallen colleague
missing still..."
"His replacement
fits the bill..."
I can think
of one colleague
who literally fell.
We all watched it happen
and then we ate his
sweet candy insides.
The vending machine!
Is one theory,
probably incorrect.
Damn it, Charles.
Silent epiphany!
The new machine...
It's beautiful!
"His replacement
fits the bill."
The slots
aren't labeled.
How do we know
what to press?
Well, a vending
machine code
is usually a letter
followed by
a double-digit number.
Jeffords is being
sentimental.
Holy
Got it.
For the record,
it was gonna be B-99.
Nobody cares.
My thing was better.
"When a fellow
needs a friend,
"it's what's on the inside
that counts."
"Fellow needs,"
like felonies.
"On the inside,"
like jail.
Your cannibal friend.
Charles, I highly
doubt that.
It's definitely
that. Go!
For the record,
I'm not a cannibal
anymore.
My new passion
is needlepoint
embroidery.
Look at these.
Two parrots in love.
A turtle with a monocle
and a top hat.
Wow, it's so intricate.
How do you...
No, no, no!
Okay, you got me.
I was gonna eat you.
That's still my thing.
It's even affected
my needlepoint.
Look that this.
Liver.
A heart.
Butt.
An arm. Mmm.
Oh, and there's this one
that your delicious-looking
lieutenant asked me to do.
The third clue.
"Where the devil lies,
you'll find your prize."
Well...
I know where
the devil lies.
Wuntch's grave.
Wow. Did Terry put up
a balloon arch
just for the heist?
No, that was me.
I come every week
to install a fresh one.
But enough chit-chat.
Let's dig her up.
I don't think
we wanna do that.
Why,
are you scared of
what she'd look like?
She's just a corpse
with worms for eyes,
no different than
when she was alive.
Found it.
Here.
"Don't tell me where
the next clue is hidden,
tell me why."
"Tell me why."
From that time Jake made
the perp sing that song.
Wait a minute,
you guys know
about that?
Were any of you
actually there?
You've told us
the story
many times.
And tried to
recreate the moment
on several occasions.
Working at the car wash
No, number
two and five,
you're off key.
Number three,
you're coming in
way too early.
I mean,
what are we even
doing here, guys?
So which one
do you think
killed your family?
Yeah, I got to stop trying
to recapture the magic
of the original and move on.
Anyways, back
to the eighth
annual heist.
Oh, no! Janitor Dan
is erasing the clue!
No!
You're welcome.
Damn it.
I love that guy,
he's so nice.
Ruined the whole heist
and we can't even
be mad at him.
Yeah. We gotta
call Terry.
Already on it.
It's going straight
to voicemail.
No problem.
I actually installed
malware on his phone
in case
he started heisting.
I have access
to his microphone
and speaker.
So, Lieutenant
Jeffords,
can you handle
the increased
responsibility
of being a captain?
I'm glad you asked.
I'm very responsible.
Terry! Terry!
Terry, it's Jake
and the squad
calling from your butt.
Terry, Terry, Terry!
I'm sorry.
What's happening?
I didn't hear anything.
Terry,
answer your butt.
Answer your butt.
Answer your butt.
Don't ignore
your butt, Terry.
Terry, come on,
it'll just take a second.
We just need the final clue.
A perfect world,
a time of bliss,
a loving
and inspiring kiss.
We can't hear you.
Please speak directly
into your butt.
A perfect world,
a time of bliss,
a loving
and inspiring kiss.
Wonderful!
Thank you, Terry,
that is all.
"A loving and
inspiring kiss."
That's gotta be
Jake and Amy.
And we know
it's not the last
couple years
because they've basically
stopped kissing
in front of us.
All right.
Wait a minute!
A Perfect World
is a movie
with Kevin Costner,
or should I say
Kevin Cozner.
It's a kiss between
Holt and Kevin.
The one that brought
them back together.
Out front in the rain!
Ooh!
Well, looks like
it's gonna be
a sprint out
of the elevator.
This is unfortunate.
I didn't want to have
to reveal it this early.
Reveal what this early?
My most
precious secret.
My tattoo.
What am
I looking at?
Is that what
I think it is?
Kevin's human head
on Cheddar's dog body?
I asked for a tattoo
of Kevin and Cheddar.
I don't know why
he combined them.
It's... It's...
It's the ultimate
distraction.
No, no. Wait, wait!
Sorry, but you're
too late.
The tube is mine.
Wait, it's empty.
Where did it go?
You looking
for this?
Surprise reveal.
Gina!
Well, well, well.
You thought you could have
a final heist without me?
I texted you about it
like 50 times.
Yeah, but, Jake,
I'm important now.
So if you want to reach me,
you should call into
"Watch What Happens Live."
Andy Cohen always knows
where I am, okay?
Anyhoo, I'm gonna
keep this safe
by driving it around
in this hot little mama.
You rented
an armored truck?
No. I bought it.
It felt like
it was great for the heist
and it's also
just such a wonderful way
to flex on you guys
how rich I am now.
I'm all about Salmons.
Salmon. You don't
know about
the $10,000 bill
that has a picture
of Salmon P. Chase
on it? He's like...
It's sad you are
unaware of that.
Oh, my gosh,
this is embarrassing
for all you broke bums.
Okay.
You're gonna
regret the day
you fired me.
You left of your
own volition!
We each spent
meaningful time with you!
We were
incredibly supportive!
Thank you
for considering me.
Again, I'm sorry
about that interruption.
I know the heist
seems crazy.
No, no, no.
In a difficult job,
it's vital to give people
a chance to blow off
some steam.
That's just
good leadership.
Wow! I was sure
you'd be angry.
I figured this
interview was over.
What? There's a price
tag on this chair.
Oh, well,
I must have forgotten
to take it off.
It's a recent
purchase.
You should know, Jeffords,
I want to keep you here.
You want to keep me here?
Yes.
At the NYPD.
Hmm.
Wait a minute.
There's no light bulb
in this lamp.
This computer
isn't even plugged in.
And there is no light
coming from this window.
Son of a bitch!
This is a fake office.
It's all part of the heist!
Oh, Jake,
what do we do now?
Obviously,
our plans have
changed a little,
but the perfect goodbye
is still in our sights.
Our objective
is the same.
Get that tube from
Gina before Holt does.
How do we break into
an armored truck?
What are you two doing?
Oh, sorry.
Mac's done with daycare
so we had the babysitter
bring him by
so we could say hi.
'Cause we're gonna
be home late
tonight, so...
Yeah. Just trying
to strike that
heist-life balance.
Isn't that right,
little Mac-a-docious?
Isn't that right,
Mac-a-roonie? Yeah.
Ugh. When you're done,
come find me.
We gotta talk strategy.
Got it.
I can't believe
she fell for it.
So, I don't understand,
you guys are paying me
to babysit a fake baby?
Yeah, we're just hoping
people think it's real.
Oh, cool.
You think it's working?
I do not.
Okay, so this truck
is a fortress on wheels
and we are not getting
in there without
an intricate plan.
I was just gonna
jump on it
as it drives by.
Yeah. Okay.
Dope.
Here she comes.
Copy.
That was crazy!
Now how are you
gonna get in?
Right, every woman
should own an axe.
What the hell
just happened?
So, here's the plan.
I latch on
to the bottom
of the truck
and unbolt the emergency
exit hatch while
it's still moving.
Oh, but that's impossible.
Unless you finally did it?
I did. I bought us
magnet suits!
Oh!
Check it out.
No!
A-ha!
So sweet.
I got it off
Ukrainian Etsy.
They sell arts and crafts
and tactical gear.
It's a weird site.
So we stick to the
bottom of the truck.
It's brilliant.
But how do we get on?
Through a manhole
outside the precinct.
We just have to get Gina
to stop right on top of it.
She might stop
for a pedestrian.
If we could figure out someone
who is willing to step
in front of a moving truck.
Lucky for us,
we know someone
who will do anything
for money.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Bill. Rough year?
Yeah, the pandemic
was really hard
on my industry.
Which is?
Nursing home seductions.
Oh, my God.
Well, like I say
every heist,
that's enough,
Bill.
Damn it, Gina.
She drove off. Are you okay?
I'm good.
I just gotta start
getting these bolts off.
Stupid Rosa.
Thinks she can jump
on my truck like Salt
from the movie Salt.
What the hell?
We're stopping.
Why are we stopping?
Time to talk strategy.
Let's be honest,
we're not young men.
Speak for yourself.
My doctor said
I'm in my twilight years.
That means
you're close to death.
But it has such
a pretty name.
We're not gonna
force our way into
an armored vehicle.
We'll need to use
our brains.
In the end,
Gina will just hand me
the keys to that truck.
You.
Unusual activity
on your socials?
You hacked me.
I gave control
of your entire social
media portfolio
to Hitchcock
and Scully.
You told them
to embarrass me?
Worse, I told them
to just be themselves.
My God, I've agreed
to host an Instagram Live
for Outback Steakhouse!
They're inside the precinct,
if you want to go stop them.
You're a monster.
Hey there, Ray-Ray.
Nice outfit, Peralta.
It's very attractive.
I'm making a pun.
I know that's
a magnet suit
because I sold
it to you.
You're Kazimir?
And unfortunately for you,
I have a remote
that can activate your vest
and prevent you
from controlling it.
No, no, no.
You stick
around, okay?
"Stick around"
was another magnet pun.
Yeah, I get
it was a pun!
Jake, there you are.
No, no, no.
Don't come in here.
Yeah, the magnet suits
have a couple of drawbacks.
They look cool, though.
They look so cool.
Probably still worth it.
I lost the tube.
Can't even stand on top
of a fast-moving truck
that suddenly slams
on its brakes.
What's wrong
with you, Rosa?
It's okay.
Here, check this out.
I've been spying on Holt
for over a month.
He brought a drone
which he's using
to take the tube
to the Bark Hyatt
Doggy Daycare,
where it will be retrieved
by none other than
Cheddar the dog,
who will take it
to a secret hiding place.
We could grab it,
but the Bark
Hyatt play area
has live feed webcams.
Holt will see if someone
goes for the tube.
Not if that
someone is a dog.
I'm not dressing up
like a dog.
I'll do it.
Oh, my God!
I was eavesdropping
and when the dog
thing came up,
I said, "Bill,
this is your moment."
That's okay, Bill.
I already have someone
on in the inside.
Meet Biscuit,
the dog I adopted
for the heist.
Don't you have
horrible allergies?
Or was that just a long
con I perpetrated
to win this heist?
I don't think so.
You're right.
I'm covered in hives.
Anyway, Biscuit
is also enrolled
at the Bark Hyatt
where he's been trained
to steal the tube
right from under
Cheddar's wet little nose.
Then we visit Biscuit
and get the tube.
Nice work.
I almost feel bad
that I have
to betray you.
What? Then don't!
You made me meet
with a fake person
just so you could trick me
into sitting out the heist?
That interview
was important!
It's my shot
to become captain!
I bought fancy new
suspenders for this,
with gold thread!
I can't return
them because
I've already stretched
them out with my pecs.
They've been pec-stretched!
Slow down.
Edward Williams
is not a fake.
Then why was
he in a fake office?
Oh, Terry,
he just relocated
to make room
for the new reform unit
on the sixth floor.
It's a temporary space.
Ooh!
Lieutenant,
what did you do?
I may've gotten
a little...
...heisty.
I'm supposed to believe
this is your family
and not the picture
that came with the frame?
Oh, and this is
a real award?
Kapow!
We have to go fix this.
Your career is more
important than a game.
Scully, you're in
charge of the heist
until I get back.
Keep an eye
on that tube.
Yes! Hitchcock,
this is our
chance to show
everyone what
we're made of...
Oh, it's you.
Donkey Scully,
go find Hitchcock.
The hell? I'm stuck.
Yeah, I rigged it.
That's what you
get for being
a nerd who
wears seatbelts.
Cool people
die gruesome,
preventable deaths.
Oh, here's my ride.
Pimento's here.
Hi, Pimento.
Amy, it has been too long.
When are you gonna
let me meet my godson?
He's not your godson.
Okay. But when you die,
I am gonna raise him.
All right, let's go.
Yeah. I gotta drop you
off and then I have
a plane to catch.
What, where are
you going?
Ugh.
I took this job protecting
a diamond mine
in Northern Canada
that's being terrorized
by a pack of wolves?
Apparently it's
"illegal to shoot them",
so I have to tear them
apart limb from limb.
How long
you're going for?
As long as it takes me
to find the alpha,
kill it, take control
of the pack,
and then completely
decimate
the diamond mine.
Total double cross.
All right.
Let's ride.
Bye, Amy.
No, wait!
Rosa, no, no,
you can't leave
me here!
This wasn't part
of the plan!
Or was this
exactly the plan?
It's all part
of the perfect goodbye.
Everyone should think
they have the winning tube,
but then at midnight
when the time
locks release,
they'll realize
they actually just have
a sentimental gift from me.
Look what I got Holt.
It's the first tie I bought
after he started
making me wear them.
And I'm getting Rosa
a travel board game
so she knows that
we're gonna keep doing
game night
even though
the Nine-Nine's
breaking apart.
Aw!
And I'm also getting
everyone AirPods.
Hmm, I'd lose those.
Feels like it cheapens
the sentiment.
Plus, everyone already
has headphones.
Okay, fine.
No AirPods.
So, in order
for this to work,
we have to get to
the golden tube
before Holt does.
And swap it out
for the one with
the tie inside.
Hey there, Ray-Ray.
Then with Rosa believing
that Holt has the real one,
you just need to come up
with a fake heist
and then find a way
to slip her the dummy tube.
It went perfectly.
Same here. Sort of.
We came back to change
'cause we had to ditch
our magnet suits
in the armored car.
It was fine for me.
Charles went commando
for some reason.
Anyway, he's getting
dressed now.
We just have to figure out
a way to slip him his gift
and then we're all set.
The perfect goodbye
is so close,
I can taste it.
Yum, yum, yum.
Bill,
you can't sneak up
on people like that.
I gotta go.
Jake.
Hey. What's up?
You okay?
Are you quitting
the Nine-Nine?
What?
Why would you...
I found this letter
of resignation in your locker.
Were you not
gonna tell me?
Does our friendship
mean nothing to you?
Charles, I can explain.
Don't bother.
Wait, no, wait,
Charles, wait a second.
Charles, come back.
Seems like someone's
in the market for
a new best friend.
Bill, I swear to God.
We look exactly
the same.
Uh, okay.
Terry loves waking up.
Terry...
Good morning, honey.
Time to...
What the hell are you doing?
It's Holt and Amy's
last day,
so we're having
a final heist!
It's heist day!
Couldn't you have
just sent an email?
Nope, this was
the only way.
I have to go alert
the others.
See you soon.
It's heist day, Rosa!
Oops, sorry
about your milk.
Gotta go!
Niko, it's time for school.
It's heist day, Charles!
Where's Nikolaj?
He's crying in
the closet. Gotta go.
Babe, what are
you doing?
I was hiding
so I could surprise you.
But if you're here,
then who's in our shower?
It's me, Captain Holt.
It's heist day, Jake.
Oh!
For Captain Holt
and Amy's last day,
I've been granted
permission to throw
a final non-holiday
associated heist.
But before
we begin, I'd like
to say a few words.
These last eight years
have been some
of the best
of my life.
I will always cherish
our time together.
But not as much as
I will cherish
drowning you all
in your own blood.
What?
It's the
final heist,
and I will chop off your limbs
and feed them to your young.
Now quit stalling
and introduce it.
That's the spirit!
Now since there
have never been
an official
two-time heist winner...
I won three times.
One, at best!
Anyhoo, the point is,
all past heists
will be forgotten
and the only real
winner that matters
is this year's
as they shall be crowned
the Grand Champion
of the Nine-Nine.
I wish I could join you all,
but I want everyone to know
I am not playing.
Here we go again.
Oh, Terry.
It's true.
I have my interview
to be the captain
of the Nine-Nine
this afternoon.
We've all seen
this movie before.
You pretend not
to play and then
at some key moment
you come Kool-Aid Manning
through a brick wall
and win the whole thing.
I can't run through walls.
I am a normal human person.
You do have
the Kool-Aid Man's
exact physique
and personality.
But he's not lying,
Terry will not
be heisting.
I had him
get a notarized letter
that says he legally
cannot win.
You cheated on me
with another notary?
Amy, you're making it sound
more intimate than it was.
He just
embossed something.
"Just embossed"?
What else are
you gonna tell me?
Did you just put your
thumbprint in his log book?
Both of them.
Oh, my God!
You know what?
We'll talk about
this later.
Moving on. The six of us
will vie for the crown.
You mean seven.
You forgot about me.
You're not a part
of this, Hitchcock.
You're in Brazil.
Or am I?
Come and find out.
Stop trying to trick
us into visiting you
in South America.
I'm kind
of the biggest ball
in the sack here.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
the locals wouldn't
agree with that.
Okay! We're gonna
start off in teams.
I'm sure everyone
could use the extra help
since this year's heist
was so spur of the moment
and no one had time to plan
anything too complicated.
This year's plan
is insanely complicated.
Check it out.
We will be selecting
our partners
with the help
of a beloved
Nine-Nine fixture,
the big bag
of loose teeth.
What the hell?
Are those human?
It's evidence
from a century
of bar brawls.
The story of New York
is in this bag.
The story of New York
is gross.
Yeah, Terry,
we live in a hell-mouth.
Now, in this bag is
a tooth with each
of your initials on it.
Who wants to root
around inside
and pick a partner?
I'm not putting
my hand in a bag
of dirty old teeth.
It's not dirt,
it's old blood
and dried phlegm.
Who's in? No one?
Are you really
all that squeamish?
Of course they're
all that squeamish.
It's part of my plan.
I'll volunteer
to reach into the bag,
so I can rig
the selection
process using...
...this magnet.
Pretty dope, right?
I've also added
metal fillings
to certain teeth
to ensure we get
the pairings
that we want.
Holt will be playing
with Norm Scully.
His name is Norm?
My name is Norm?
We don't have to break
into teams this year.
You're lucky.
Hitchcock's with me,
so you're actually
getting two partners.
Three if you include
my donkey friend.
Say hello to the team,
Donkey Scully.
He named him after me!
All right. Rosa Diaz,
your partner will be
the lovely Amy Santiago.
Diaz,
you wanna trade?
Hitchcock, Scully,
and the donkey,
three for one?
I'll even throw
in Cheddar.
Why? So he can spy on me?
Oh, please.
Cheddar's not a spy.
Abort,
she's onto us.
So Cheddar has an earpiece?
Wait, if Terry's out,
that means...
Oh, yeah.
It's you and me, buddy.
But I don't get it.
Why don't you want us
to be on the same team?
Because, Amy,
no one can know that
we're working together.
Smart. And Charles
will never
be suspicious
because he'll be so excited
to be your teammate.
Yeah, that sweet
little dumb-ass.
For the final heist,
we will all be
competing for this.
Is that my medal
of valor from
the very first heist?
It is modeled after it,
yes, but this is far
more meaningful.
I got mine for saving
the life of Maya Angelou.
Boring! This one says
Grand Champion on it
and it's made out of golt.
A non-gold alloy
that should not be
handled by women
who are pregnant
or nursing.
Yours is garbage.
And this golden vessel
is from the precinct's
old pneumatic tube system.
It's been outfitted
with a time-release lock
set for midnight.
Whoever has the medal
at that time will
be the winner.
Now, let the Last Day
Heist begin.
It's an amazing
plan, babe.
Thank you very much.
And everyone's gonna
be so shocked
when they find out
the big surprise,
that I'm leaving
the Nine-Nine.
What did you just say?
Yeah.
What do you mean
you're leaving?
I mean,
that's what
I want to do.
But only
if you agree.
I don't understand.
Well, for weeks
we've been trying
to figure out
how you can do
your new job
and still have us
be there for Mac
as much as we want.
And I really
think this is it.
Yeah, but we have
other options.
Yeah.
But I think this
is the best one.
Look, you know
I was scared
about having kids
'cause I didn't want
to be like my dad.
But if I do this,
I have a chance to be
the exact opposite.
And I don't want Mac
to ever feel the way
I felt growing up.
And I get that,
I really do.
But you love
being a detective.
I know.
It's all I ever
wanted to be.
Until now.
Now, all I care
about is what's
best for our family.
And Ames, this is it.
I mean,
you've earned this
incredible opportunity.
You can't do it halfway,
it's too important.
And Mac's
my little buddy.
I want to be
at home with him.
Are you sure?
Because we could figure
something else out.
You know I would do
anything for you.
I would do anything
for you, too.
Will you run
that half-marathon?
I'm never running
the half-marathon, Amy.
You gotta stop asking.
You really think
you'll be happy?
I don't want you
to give up your dream
job just for me.
I have a new
dream job now.
Trust me,
I wouldn't say it
if I didn't mean it.
I love you.
I love you, too.
So, we're good?
Yeah. We're good.
Oh, thank God,
I spent so much
money on this plan.
How much money, Jake?
I mean,
not an insane amount.
Mac definitely
has to go to state
college now,
but the important
thing is we're on
the same page.
No.
Let me tell you
about the plan.
So the heist is
actually going to be
the perfect goodbye.
What does that mean?
Drama, glamor,
shocking twists and turns.
And the whole heist
ends up with everyone
at the Brooklyn Bridge.
Is that meaningful?
Have we ever been there
together as a squad?
Uh, yeah.
I'm not sure why we all
looked so intense,
we were just getting falafel.
I mean,
that falafel stand
is really good.
True that. Yeah.
Anyways, once
everyone arrives,
there's gonna be
a huge fireworks display.
Uh-uh, no.
Remember when
you almost blew
off your thumb
with that M-80?
No fireworks.
Okay, fine!
But luckily I have
a surprise guest lined up.
I reached out
to Bruce Willis' people
and they said
that he would,
"Not engage with
something like that."
So, I think
it's gonna work out.
Okay, but why are we
on different teams?
Because in order
for this to work,
we absolutely have
to win the first leg
of the heist.
It doubles our chances.
Got it.
So basically, we just
have to keep Holt
from getting that tube.
Yes, indeed.
I just realized we haven't
been alone without Mac
for like three months.
Desk?
Yep. Let's do it.
Enough talk.
I'm getting that tube.
Where'd it go?
That tube has been
whisked off
to a secret location
which only I know.
And since
I'm not competing,
I've agreed to help out.
I designed the first
part of the heist
to be a scavenger hunt
through memorable moments
from the last eight years.
It's a trip down
memory lane.
Not a problem.
I have the memory
of a... The...
...thing with the big
nose and ears.
Prince Charles.
No.
I hid five clues,
each leading to the next.
And the last one
gets you the tube.
The first clue
is under your chairs.
"Our fallen colleague
missing still..."
"His replacement
fits the bill..."
I can think
of one colleague
who literally fell.
We all watched it happen
and then we ate his
sweet candy insides.
The vending machine!
Is one theory,
probably incorrect.
Damn it, Charles.
Silent epiphany!
The new machine...
It's beautiful!
"His replacement
fits the bill."
The slots
aren't labeled.
How do we know
what to press?
Well, a vending
machine code
is usually a letter
followed by
a double-digit number.
Jeffords is being
sentimental.
Holy
Got it.
For the record,
it was gonna be B-99.
Nobody cares.
My thing was better.
"When a fellow
needs a friend,
"it's what's on the inside
that counts."
"Fellow needs,"
like felonies.
"On the inside,"
like jail.
Your cannibal friend.
Charles, I highly
doubt that.
It's definitely
that. Go!
For the record,
I'm not a cannibal
anymore.
My new passion
is needlepoint
embroidery.
Look at these.
Two parrots in love.
A turtle with a monocle
and a top hat.
Wow, it's so intricate.
How do you...
No, no, no!
Okay, you got me.
I was gonna eat you.
That's still my thing.
It's even affected
my needlepoint.
Look that this.
Liver.
A heart.
Butt.
An arm. Mmm.
Oh, and there's this one
that your delicious-looking
lieutenant asked me to do.
The third clue.
"Where the devil lies,
you'll find your prize."
Well...
I know where
the devil lies.
Wuntch's grave.
Wow. Did Terry put up
a balloon arch
just for the heist?
No, that was me.
I come every week
to install a fresh one.
But enough chit-chat.
Let's dig her up.
I don't think
we wanna do that.
Why,
are you scared of
what she'd look like?
She's just a corpse
with worms for eyes,
no different than
when she was alive.
Found it.
Here.
"Don't tell me where
the next clue is hidden,
tell me why."
"Tell me why."
From that time Jake made
the perp sing that song.
Wait a minute,
you guys know
about that?
Were any of you
actually there?
You've told us
the story
many times.
And tried to
recreate the moment
on several occasions.
Working at the car wash
No, number
two and five,
you're off key.
Number three,
you're coming in
way too early.
I mean,
what are we even
doing here, guys?
So which one
do you think
killed your family?
Yeah, I got to stop trying
to recapture the magic
of the original and move on.
Anyways, back
to the eighth
annual heist.
Oh, no! Janitor Dan
is erasing the clue!
No!
You're welcome.
Damn it.
I love that guy,
he's so nice.
Ruined the whole heist
and we can't even
be mad at him.
Yeah. We gotta
call Terry.
Already on it.
It's going straight
to voicemail.
No problem.
I actually installed
malware on his phone
in case
he started heisting.
I have access
to his microphone
and speaker.
So, Lieutenant
Jeffords,
can you handle
the increased
responsibility
of being a captain?
I'm glad you asked.
I'm very responsible.
Terry! Terry!
Terry, it's Jake
and the squad
calling from your butt.
Terry, Terry, Terry!
I'm sorry.
What's happening?
I didn't hear anything.
Terry,
answer your butt.
Answer your butt.
Answer your butt.
Don't ignore
your butt, Terry.
Terry, come on,
it'll just take a second.
We just need the final clue.
A perfect world,
a time of bliss,
a loving
and inspiring kiss.
We can't hear you.
Please speak directly
into your butt.
A perfect world,
a time of bliss,
a loving
and inspiring kiss.
Wonderful!
Thank you, Terry,
that is all.
"A loving and
inspiring kiss."
That's gotta be
Jake and Amy.
And we know
it's not the last
couple years
because they've basically
stopped kissing
in front of us.
All right.
Wait a minute!
A Perfect World
is a movie
with Kevin Costner,
or should I say
Kevin Cozner.
It's a kiss between
Holt and Kevin.
The one that brought
them back together.
Out front in the rain!
Ooh!
Well, looks like
it's gonna be
a sprint out
of the elevator.
This is unfortunate.
I didn't want to have
to reveal it this early.
Reveal what this early?
My most
precious secret.
My tattoo.
What am
I looking at?
Is that what
I think it is?
Kevin's human head
on Cheddar's dog body?
I asked for a tattoo
of Kevin and Cheddar.
I don't know why
he combined them.
It's... It's...
It's the ultimate
distraction.
No, no. Wait, wait!
Sorry, but you're
too late.
The tube is mine.
Wait, it's empty.
Where did it go?
You looking
for this?
Surprise reveal.
Gina!
Well, well, well.
You thought you could have
a final heist without me?
I texted you about it
like 50 times.
Yeah, but, Jake,
I'm important now.
So if you want to reach me,
you should call into
"Watch What Happens Live."
Andy Cohen always knows
where I am, okay?
Anyhoo, I'm gonna
keep this safe
by driving it around
in this hot little mama.
You rented
an armored truck?
No. I bought it.
It felt like
it was great for the heist
and it's also
just such a wonderful way
to flex on you guys
how rich I am now.
I'm all about Salmons.
Salmon. You don't
know about
the $10,000 bill
that has a picture
of Salmon P. Chase
on it? He's like...
It's sad you are
unaware of that.
Oh, my gosh,
this is embarrassing
for all you broke bums.
Okay.
You're gonna
regret the day
you fired me.
You left of your
own volition!
We each spent
meaningful time with you!
We were
incredibly supportive!
Thank you
for considering me.
Again, I'm sorry
about that interruption.
I know the heist
seems crazy.
No, no, no.
In a difficult job,
it's vital to give people
a chance to blow off
some steam.
That's just
good leadership.
Wow! I was sure
you'd be angry.
I figured this
interview was over.
What? There's a price
tag on this chair.
Oh, well,
I must have forgotten
to take it off.
It's a recent
purchase.
You should know, Jeffords,
I want to keep you here.
You want to keep me here?
Yes.
At the NYPD.
Hmm.
Wait a minute.
There's no light bulb
in this lamp.
This computer
isn't even plugged in.
And there is no light
coming from this window.
Son of a bitch!
This is a fake office.
It's all part of the heist!
Oh, Jake,
what do we do now?
Obviously,
our plans have
changed a little,
but the perfect goodbye
is still in our sights.
Our objective
is the same.
Get that tube from
Gina before Holt does.
How do we break into
an armored truck?
What are you two doing?
Oh, sorry.
Mac's done with daycare
so we had the babysitter
bring him by
so we could say hi.
'Cause we're gonna
be home late
tonight, so...
Yeah. Just trying
to strike that
heist-life balance.
Isn't that right,
little Mac-a-docious?
Isn't that right,
Mac-a-roonie? Yeah.
Ugh. When you're done,
come find me.
We gotta talk strategy.
Got it.
I can't believe
she fell for it.
So, I don't understand,
you guys are paying me
to babysit a fake baby?
Yeah, we're just hoping
people think it's real.
Oh, cool.
You think it's working?
I do not.
Okay, so this truck
is a fortress on wheels
and we are not getting
in there without
an intricate plan.
I was just gonna
jump on it
as it drives by.
Yeah. Okay.
Dope.
Here she comes.
Copy.
That was crazy!
Now how are you
gonna get in?
Right, every woman
should own an axe.
What the hell
just happened?
So, here's the plan.
I latch on
to the bottom
of the truck
and unbolt the emergency
exit hatch while
it's still moving.
Oh, but that's impossible.
Unless you finally did it?
I did. I bought us
magnet suits!
Oh!
Check it out.
No!
A-ha!
So sweet.
I got it off
Ukrainian Etsy.
They sell arts and crafts
and tactical gear.
It's a weird site.
So we stick to the
bottom of the truck.
It's brilliant.
But how do we get on?
Through a manhole
outside the precinct.
We just have to get Gina
to stop right on top of it.
She might stop
for a pedestrian.
If we could figure out someone
who is willing to step
in front of a moving truck.
Lucky for us,
we know someone
who will do anything
for money.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Bill. Rough year?
Yeah, the pandemic
was really hard
on my industry.
Which is?
Nursing home seductions.
Oh, my God.
Well, like I say
every heist,
that's enough,
Bill.
Damn it, Gina.
She drove off. Are you okay?
I'm good.
I just gotta start
getting these bolts off.
Stupid Rosa.
Thinks she can jump
on my truck like Salt
from the movie Salt.
What the hell?
We're stopping.
Why are we stopping?
Time to talk strategy.
Let's be honest,
we're not young men.
Speak for yourself.
My doctor said
I'm in my twilight years.
That means
you're close to death.
But it has such
a pretty name.
We're not gonna
force our way into
an armored vehicle.
We'll need to use
our brains.
In the end,
Gina will just hand me
the keys to that truck.
You.
Unusual activity
on your socials?
You hacked me.
I gave control
of your entire social
media portfolio
to Hitchcock
and Scully.
You told them
to embarrass me?
Worse, I told them
to just be themselves.
My God, I've agreed
to host an Instagram Live
for Outback Steakhouse!
They're inside the precinct,
if you want to go stop them.
You're a monster.
Hey there, Ray-Ray.
Nice outfit, Peralta.
It's very attractive.
I'm making a pun.
I know that's
a magnet suit
because I sold
it to you.
You're Kazimir?
And unfortunately for you,
I have a remote
that can activate your vest
and prevent you
from controlling it.
No, no, no.
You stick
around, okay?
"Stick around"
was another magnet pun.
Yeah, I get
it was a pun!
Jake, there you are.
No, no, no.
Don't come in here.
Yeah, the magnet suits
have a couple of drawbacks.
They look cool, though.
They look so cool.
Probably still worth it.
I lost the tube.
Can't even stand on top
of a fast-moving truck
that suddenly slams
on its brakes.
What's wrong
with you, Rosa?
It's okay.
Here, check this out.
I've been spying on Holt
for over a month.
He brought a drone
which he's using
to take the tube
to the Bark Hyatt
Doggy Daycare,
where it will be retrieved
by none other than
Cheddar the dog,
who will take it
to a secret hiding place.
We could grab it,
but the Bark
Hyatt play area
has live feed webcams.
Holt will see if someone
goes for the tube.
Not if that
someone is a dog.
I'm not dressing up
like a dog.
I'll do it.
Oh, my God!
I was eavesdropping
and when the dog
thing came up,
I said, "Bill,
this is your moment."
That's okay, Bill.
I already have someone
on in the inside.
Meet Biscuit,
the dog I adopted
for the heist.
Don't you have
horrible allergies?
Or was that just a long
con I perpetrated
to win this heist?
I don't think so.
You're right.
I'm covered in hives.
Anyway, Biscuit
is also enrolled
at the Bark Hyatt
where he's been trained
to steal the tube
right from under
Cheddar's wet little nose.
Then we visit Biscuit
and get the tube.
Nice work.
I almost feel bad
that I have
to betray you.
What? Then don't!
You made me meet
with a fake person
just so you could trick me
into sitting out the heist?
That interview
was important!
It's my shot
to become captain!
I bought fancy new
suspenders for this,
with gold thread!
I can't return
them because
I've already stretched
them out with my pecs.
They've been pec-stretched!
Slow down.
Edward Williams
is not a fake.
Then why was
he in a fake office?
Oh, Terry,
he just relocated
to make room
for the new reform unit
on the sixth floor.
It's a temporary space.
Ooh!
Lieutenant,
what did you do?
I may've gotten
a little...
...heisty.
I'm supposed to believe
this is your family
and not the picture
that came with the frame?
Oh, and this is
a real award?
Kapow!
We have to go fix this.
Your career is more
important than a game.
Scully, you're in
charge of the heist
until I get back.
Keep an eye
on that tube.
Yes! Hitchcock,
this is our
chance to show
everyone what
we're made of...
Oh, it's you.
Donkey Scully,
go find Hitchcock.
The hell? I'm stuck.
Yeah, I rigged it.
That's what you
get for being
a nerd who
wears seatbelts.
Cool people
die gruesome,
preventable deaths.
Oh, here's my ride.
Pimento's here.
Hi, Pimento.
Amy, it has been too long.
When are you gonna
let me meet my godson?
He's not your godson.
Okay. But when you die,
I am gonna raise him.
All right, let's go.
Yeah. I gotta drop you
off and then I have
a plane to catch.
What, where are
you going?
Ugh.
I took this job protecting
a diamond mine
in Northern Canada
that's being terrorized
by a pack of wolves?
Apparently it's
"illegal to shoot them",
so I have to tear them
apart limb from limb.
How long
you're going for?
As long as it takes me
to find the alpha,
kill it, take control
of the pack,
and then completely
decimate
the diamond mine.
Total double cross.
All right.
Let's ride.
Bye, Amy.
No, wait!
Rosa, no, no,
you can't leave
me here!
This wasn't part
of the plan!
Or was this
exactly the plan?
It's all part
of the perfect goodbye.
Everyone should think
they have the winning tube,
but then at midnight
when the time
locks release,
they'll realize
they actually just have
a sentimental gift from me.
Look what I got Holt.
It's the first tie I bought
after he started
making me wear them.
And I'm getting Rosa
a travel board game
so she knows that
we're gonna keep doing
game night
even though
the Nine-Nine's
breaking apart.
Aw!
And I'm also getting
everyone AirPods.
Hmm, I'd lose those.
Feels like it cheapens
the sentiment.
Plus, everyone already
has headphones.
Okay, fine.
No AirPods.
So, in order
for this to work,
we have to get to
the golden tube
before Holt does.
And swap it out
for the one with
the tie inside.
Hey there, Ray-Ray.
Then with Rosa believing
that Holt has the real one,
you just need to come up
with a fake heist
and then find a way
to slip her the dummy tube.
It went perfectly.
Same here. Sort of.
We came back to change
'cause we had to ditch
our magnet suits
in the armored car.
It was fine for me.
Charles went commando
for some reason.
Anyway, he's getting
dressed now.
We just have to figure out
a way to slip him his gift
and then we're all set.
The perfect goodbye
is so close,
I can taste it.
Yum, yum, yum.
Bill,
you can't sneak up
on people like that.
I gotta go.
Jake.
Hey. What's up?
You okay?
Are you quitting
the Nine-Nine?
What?
Why would you...
I found this letter
of resignation in your locker.
Were you not
gonna tell me?
Does our friendship
mean nothing to you?
Charles, I can explain.
Don't bother.
Wait, no, wait,
Charles, wait a second.
Charles, come back.
Seems like someone's
in the market for
a new best friend.
Bill, I swear to God.
We look exactly
the same.
Uh, okay.