Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 8, Episode 8 - Renewal - full transcript

Lastly,
on a personal note,

as many of you know,
Kevin and I have
recently reconciled.

Noice.
Somebody's getting some.

It's true. I am.
Now, when we originally wed,

we didn't know how long
gay marriage would be legal,

so we had a somewhat
rushed ceremony.

Do you, Kevin--
Yes.

And do you--
Yes, yes, we do!
We're married.

Kevin has always
regretted it, so we're having
a vow renewal ceremony.

This time, we're pulling out
all the stops. It will be
a truly extravagant affair.

Oh, how extravagant
are we talking?
Champagne pyramid?



Destination wedding?
Celebrity officiant?

We got the salad forks.

Can you believe it,
a second fork? Who do we think
we are?

Oh, no. You're shocked
at how garish it is.

Now I don't even wanna
tell you the other surprise
I have in store for Kevin.

Wait, let me guess.
You're getting bread plates?

Don't be absurd.
We're not crazy.
No, the big surprise is...

I'm retiring from the NYPD.

Wait...

What?

Why did you lead
with the salad forks?

You're leaving the NYPD?

My preoccupation with my job
has been a point of contention
with Kevin for some time now.

I wanna show him
that our relationship
comes first.



But, sir, it's too soon
for you to retire.

We didn't even get to do
one final cool case together.

The last thing we worked
was finding

that kid's missing mitten.

I thought that was rewarding
and poignant.

It was boring as crap!

What were you
hoping for otherwise?

I'm so glad you asked.
We hunt down a serial killer,

stare death in the face,
and then in the final battle,

you save my life
and I say to you,

"How can I ever repay you?"
And you say,

"You already have."

Then you jump
on your motorcycle,

drive off,
never to be seen again.

I don't have a motorcycle,
but Kevin and I did just
purchase recumbent bicycles.

you, Captain Holt.
Anyway,

I already have
a cool final case
that I'm working on.

The police reform proposal
that Santiago and I

have been toiling over
for these past six months

Oh, my God,
I didn't even think about Amy.

She's gonna be devastated.

Which is why I made sure
she wasn't here
when I told you.

I need Santiago laser-focused
on this proposal.

We can tell her after
we turn the report in.

Hopefully, you can keep
the news to yourselves
for now.

Sir, she's my wife.
I can't lie to her.

What about that time you spent
$1,000 on a Patrick Ewing
Top Shot?

That wasn't a lie.
I just didn't tell her.

But she's gonna be happy
about it,

because that Top Shot
is currently worth... Oh, no.

I will keep your secret
for $992.

Deal.
Great! Let's lie to my wife.

Ah, hello. Thank you
for coming early to help out.

There's a lot to do since we
decided to go so over-the-top.

I mean, look at the napkins.
We're going with
a pretty whimsical fold.

Lengthwise.

That is... Funny.

The intent was whimsy,
not humor.

Now you have me
doubting everything.
Where's... where's Raymond?

You know what?
I'll go find him.

I got something
I wanna ask him anyway.

There you are.
Why are you hiding?

Oh, I was just looking
at pornography.

I felt an urgent need to watch
some men taking a bath.

What?

Okay, fine, you caught me.
I was checking my email.

And that's worse
than watching porn?
Much worse.

Kevin can't know I'm working
on our special day.

But I just received
an email from my contact
at One Police Plaza

about our reform proposal.

Ah, yeah, speaking of that,

now that the report is done,
can you please tell Amy
you're retiring?

I don't like lying to her.

So then you told her
about the Top Shot?

I didn't need to
because I traded it
for an investment

in The Rock's
new cryptocurrency,
which is currently worth...

Oh, no, what happened
to RockCoin?

We can't tell her.
Things aren't settled.

The brass is having
a closed-door meeting today
about our reform proposal,

but apparently,
the union is gonna claim
that we fudged our numbers.

That's crazy.
Amy would never fudge numbers.
She loves numbers.

Sometimes I think she loves
them more than me.

Stupid numbers,
think they're so great.

I'd love to see numbers
give you a baby.

I'm gonna check those
CompStat numbers right now.

I'm just gonna click
on this video link entitled,

"Handyman fixes squeaky door,
customer."

Oh, my God.

What? This isn't correct.

Somebody changed these
since last night.

Wait...

I bet O'Sullivan hacked
into the system.

Do you know what this means?

They're trying to kill
police reform!

Jake and Holt
have a final case.
Yep. Mm-hmm.

Two equally important
sets of stakes.

He claims you messed
with the numbers?

That son of a bitch!

I would never fabricate
numbers. I love numbers.

Numbers can't be a father
to your child, Amy.

So what are we gonna do?
I have a plan.

We can prove that O'Sullivan
changed the CompStat numbers
if we find this.

What is that, a bed?
No, that's a cheese grater.

It's his computer. Obviously,
I should have had Terry
do the drawings.

Fortunately, I know how
to find his personal computer

thanks to his YouTube rants
about the NHL.

This is "Islanders Talk, "

and today's topic.
Can hockey have female fans?

Yeah, he's not a good person.

Anyway, those videos
are taken in the "man cave"
in O'Sullivan's basement,

so that's gotta be
where his laptop is

Holt and I will be
infiltrating his house
and retrieving it.

How are you gonna
get past him?
He won't be home.

We're gonna lure him out
using his one weakness.

Rare Billy Joel
memorabilia sale?

Oh, that's nice, dear.
Ah.

O'Sullivan will meet
with an ex-roadie
named Geronimo Rodriguez,

who will actually be
an undercover Terry Jeffords,

our resident
Billy Joel superfan.

It was one time!

You caught me lip-synching
to Uptown Girl one time.

Nope,
he's your favorite singer,
everybody knows it.

And you're the only one
O'Sullivan hasn't
interacted with.

If he stumps you,
Santiago will be nearby,

feeding you Billy Joel facts
into your ear.

You guys need to keep him busy
and then use a piece
of fake memorabilia

to get a fingerprint
we can use to unlock
his laptop.

What am I doing?
You, Charles, and Scully
will be here,

distracting Kevin
and making sure he doesn't
know Holt's working.

And, uh, who will be
on Cheddar duty?

I mean, can't we just
distract him with a bone?

Bone?

Bone?
Yeah.

Bone?

Cheddar's not some street rat.
This is never gonna work.

Yes, it will.
Just give me 90 minutes,

and I promise I will get you
back in time for your vows.

Fine, but if there are
any complications,
I pull the plug.

The ceremony is too important.
Kevin cannot find out
what we're up to.

He won't. I promise.

Raymond?

What are you all
doing in here?

Um...
Peralta's watching porn.
What?

What?
Peralta's watching a handyman

repair a squeaky door and then
his customer.

Is that true, Jake?

Yes.

I wish I could say
I was surprised.

Told you
it was a great cover.
Not for me!

Okay, if we wanna get past
O'Sullivan's ma, we need
undercover personas.

I'm thinking you will be
Maxwell Maxwell,

international playboy
and black ops specialist.

He'd had affairs
on every continent, but
his true mistress is danger.

I thought you learned
your lesson about turning
police work into movies.

Yeah, I did, but this is
a movie about reform.

I mean, isn't that a movie
you'd wanna see?

The only movie
I wanna see is called
The World of Mosses.

It's a documentary
about the world of mosses.

It sounds bad.

Now, we will go in dressed
as gas company employees
named Mitch and Henry.

Ugh. At least
tell me I'm Henry.

Hello, ma'am.
We're from the gas company.

My name is...

Mitch.

Okay, this is how we'll get
O'Sullivan's print.
Fast-drying dental resin.

O'Sullivan touches this,
leaves an imprint,
and we have a mold,

which we use to make
a fake finger that will fool
99% of biometric scanners.

Pretty sweet, right?

I gotta say,
I thought Holt retiring

would crush your mood,
but it hasn't.

Wait. Holt's retiring?

You knew that.

He said he would tell you
when you handed in
your reform proposal,

and you handed it in,
and he told you.

No, he didn't.

Okay, well, then I just
told you. But you're still
taking it well.

Amy?

Amy?

O'Sullivan just texted.
He'll be here in three.
You gotta hide!

Um...

I'm just gonna pick you up
and carry you like furniture,
okay?

Look alive.
Kevin's on your six.

Do you know where Raymond is?
Yes, I do.

He's, um...

Come on, Scully.
Think of something.

Think of something.
What does that mean?

Cheddar did it.
Cheddar, I know you wanted us
to go with the other vase.

I have a different
aesthetic sense than you,
and it's my day.

Sorry you had to witness that.
I will get a broom.

Scully, tail him.

Well, that should keep him
busy for a bit.

That was smart,
but I don't think we should
mess with Cheddar too much.

Why not? He's an animal.
Animals can be
very vengeful, Rosa.

Is this about Lieutenant...
Of course it's about
Lieutenant Peanut Butter!

So here's the shutoff
to the main line.

Thank you very much, ma'am.

Okay, to get into
the basement, we're gonna
have to distract her,

so here's what I'm thinking.

Maxwell Maxwell
turns on the charm.

Unbutton your jumper and say,
"The thing about gas lines is,
the pressure builds and builds

"and it just needs a little...
release."

You don't have to make
that sound, but if I were you,
I definitely would.

No one will be talking about
release or making the sound
of a rodent in labor.

It was a sensuous moan,
but fair enough.

We just have to get the laptop
so I can get back to Kevin.

You will simply
approach her and say...

Ma'am, I need to check
your water heater
in the basement

to make sure there's no leaks
or blockages to the gas line.

You should maybe come back
later when my son is home.
He's better at this stuff.

Oh, it's just a quick check.

The answer is no.

Sorry about him.

He's a little abrasive.

The name is Maxwell...
Maxwell.

Carol.

You see, the thing about
gas lines is,

the pressure
just builds and builds.

Sometimes...

it just needs a little...

release.

Well, we wouldn't want that.
You can go down
to the basement now, Mitch.

Yeah, sounds good.
Have fun, you two.

Amy, look alive.
He's here.

You the guy selling
the memorabilia?
Oh, yeah.

Where did you get this stuff?
I used to haul amps for him.

Yeah? Which tours?

The, uh... You know...

Oh, Terry, I'm not ready
to say goodbye.

I'm Not Ready
to Say Goodbye tour.

Never heard of that one.
You haven't?

That's weird. Maybe you just
weren't paying attention.

Sorry. I'm on Billy Joel's
wiki now.

I've done other tours too,
like, uh...

Innocent Man and The Bridge.

Innocent Man and The Bridge.

Okay. What's in the box?
Phew.

An early draft of the lyrics
to We Didn't Start the Fire.

"Eisenhower, vaccine,
side salad, mixed greens."
What is this?

Well, I guess, while he was
writing the song,

he must have accidentally
included his lunch order.

Anyway, that's 10K.
Ugh...

What's the sticky stuff?
Yes.

I grabbed that
out of the trash
in his dressing room.

It must be gum.
Look, I'm so sorry.

Just let me have that back.
Uh-uh.

Not so fast.
This has been in
William Martin Joel's mouth.

His tongue touched this.

Wait. What's happening?

What's this, now?
That is $10,000.

And I'm keeping the gum.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

A grown adult
with a man cave.
This is so embarrassing.

Oh, my God,
he has root beer on tap!

Okay, everything is all...
What am I looking at?

Your friend here
was very clumsy
and he spilled on himself.

Well, we got everything
we needed,

but I can wait if Maxwell
needs a little more time
to dry off.

No, no, no, I'm all dry now.
We can leave.

Oh, wait, let me give you
my number.

I only have the landline,
so if my son, Frankie,
answers, hang up.

He gets a little jealous.

Not to worry Miss O'Sullivan.

Maxwell Maxwell is nothing
if not discreet.

Not discreet enough.

Okay look, I don't know what
kind of freaky stuff

you guys are into,
but I want no part of it.

Let's just try to stay calm.
I think you're making a big
mistake here.

No I'm not. He called me
Miss O'Sullivan.

That was my name three
marriages ago.

I'm Carol Shaughnessy now.

If he's calling me
Miss O'Sullivan,

it's 'cause he knows
who my son is

and you're up to something.

Carol, baby.

Don't "baby" me. Get down
in the basement.

Well, I always like
going down.

I said, move.
I'm calling my son.

Feel like
she considered it.

We're locked in.

If she gets in touch with
O'Sullivan, it's over.

Wait. She said she doesn't
have a cellphone.

That means if we can tie up
her landline,

she can't call anyone.

Hey! What did you do
with the phone?

Smart. But we're still
trapped down here.

Does that smile mean
you know a way out?

Oh, no. I was just thinking
about how you were about
to hook up with that old lady.

But no,
yeah, we're totally screwed.

That's odd. He only barks
like that when he's worried
about Raymond.

Oh, Cheddar is not
worried about Holt.

I saw him eat a shrimp off
a platter earlier.

I bet he just wants more.

Hmm. Cheddar doesn't usually
indulge in shrimp.

He considers it bougie.

Speaking of indulging,
the gray boutonniere
should have arrived by now.

Oh, Lord.

See. Cheddar almost
blew our cover.

I told you not to mess
with him.

Charles, he smelled food
and he wanted to eat it.

He's a dog,
not a supervillain.

I don't know. He's really
staring you down right now.

Oh, yeah? Watch this.
Yeah.

Sucker.

Wait, wait, I want that back.

I was only selling the lyrics.

If I knew about the gum,
I would have charged you more.

Ah, a bunch of bunk.

You set a price,
I hit the bid. End of story.

Terry, if we don't get that
fingerprint, we won't be able
to open his laptop

and they'll kill
our reform program.

Please...

I really need that gum.

You beg all you want.
A deal is a deal.

Oh, God.
It's all falling apart.

Everything good in my life...
Look. You don't understand
how special this is.

...happened when he showed up.
You don't deserve
to have this--

Jake is only
the mostly mature man

that he is
because of Holt, so...

So no, no, no...

...our son will grow up
in a broken home.

Oh, my God, enough!

You need to move on.

Are you talking to me?

Yeah, I'm talking to you.

You need to move on.

From Captain Holt?
From Billy Joel?

It's not healthy to have your
entire identity wrapped up

in another person.

I know but...

Raymond Holt
taught me everything.

Billy Joel
taught me everything.

Look what it's doing to you.

Just look at yourself
right now.

I guess I am kind of
messing up this mission.

I could use the money
for the bank

so they don't take
my ma's house.

Thank you, Terry.

Thank you...

Geronimo Rodriguez.

All right, look, all's not
lost. I have the laptop.

We just need to get
in touch with someone
from the Nine-Nine

so they can get us
out of here.

Give me your phone.
I left it back at the venue,

so Kevin couldn't track it
and know I was gone.

Use yours.
Mine's dead.

I used up all the battery
mining for MetsCoin.

It's the first cryptocurrency
that is also the Mets.

I don't know what
I'm doing in this space.

Use the landline.
Call Santiago.

Great idea. Okay.

Just one problem.
I don't know her number.

How could you not know your
own wife's phone number?

It's saved in my phone.

Stupid smartphones,
making me so dumb

by giving me the world's
knowledge at my fingertips.

Well, I don't know anyone's
phone number either.

Except for Kevin's and
obviously we can't call him.

How do you not know
a single phone number?

I've literally watched you
memorize the entire

terms and conditions
agreement for a credit card.

True. But to make room
for important
information like that,

I regularly purge my brain
of useless facts

like phone numbers
or the names
of people's children.

But you know the name
of my son, right?

The little guy has
his mother's eyes.

Rough night with
the little guy?

Oh. Hello there,
the little guy.

How did I never see that?

Am I a bad detective?

We don't have time
to go into that.

It would've been
much faster to just say,
"No, you're great'."

What are we gonna do?

All right. Look, there's one
number I still have memorized
that could help.

My middle school friend
Mikey J's old landline.

Do you have any reason to
believe that Mikey J still
resides there?

Well, we were in a ska band
together in high school

so I'm thinking
the odds are good.

Okay. Here's your resin,
do your magic.

You're not gonna scold me for
almost ruining the mission?

No, Amy. I get it.
But look, you don't
need Holt to succeed.

You are the most capable
person I know.

Thanks, Terry.
Now let's get this mold
to Jake and Holt.

What are you doing?
I thought you could
carry me again.

It was very comforting.

Okay.

Thank you, Terry. I love you.

Have you seen Cheddar?
The officiant is wondering

how he'd like
to be introduced.

No. I haven't seen him.

Cheddar.

I have a bad feeling
about this. Cheddar is
up to something.

Come on.

Oh, no!
Cheddar.

Oh, hi, Kevin.
I found Cheddar.

Oh, my God.
Raymond is on a case.

You sick son of a bitch.

Come on, Mrs. Joseph.
I was at your house
all the time.

Remember? You caught us
wearing your bra so we could
practice unclasping them?

Hello? Hello?

What? You have no idea what
it's like taking bras off.

You had it so easy
growing up gay.

The ceremony is about to start

and O'Sullivan is about to
come home and catch us.

It seems the reform proposal
is as dead as my marriage.

I'm sorry. It's all my fault.

I was so desperate
for us to have one last
cool case together

that I forced you into this.

No, Jake. The truth is,
I enjoyed it.

I had fun being
Maxwell Maxwell.

Yes. I knew it was
a good idea.

But I hate myself for it.

Damn it.
I interjected too soon.

That makes me scared that
I'm not ready to retire.

No matter how much I want to.

For Kevin's sake.

I mean, clearly,
there's a part of me that
still wants to work cases.

What if I'm making
the wrong choice?

It's completely understandable
that you feel that way.

You've devoted
your whole life to this.

It's who you are.
But you're also
Kevin's husband.

What would you do?

I'm not sure.

But I know that
when things are hard,
I talk them through with Amy.

And just being with her,
looking into her eyes,

everything that seems so
complicated becomes simple.

And then, I just know.

What's that?
It's O'Sullivan.
He's coming home.

NYPD. Step away
from that door.

Wait. That voice.

Neighbors reported seeing
two men enter from
an unmarked van.

Then heard yelling.

There's been a
misunderstanding, Officer.

You are under arrest, punk.

You jags are so screwed.

I love your hat.

Kevin, I'm sorry.

I will never forgive myself
for working today.

I want you to know that this
will be my last assignment
for the NYPD.

I'm retiring.
That seems like
an extreme reaction.

No. I want this. For us.

That's not for us.
I never wanted you
to give up your career.

Putting our relationship first
doesn't mean you can't have
anything else in your life.

It just means prioritizing me
over stupid little stuff.

Like returning lost mittens
to dumb kids.

No. That actually sounds
quite rewarding.

Really?
This reform program
is not a little thing.

It could fundamentally
change the police.

I just wish you had told me
so I could've helped
from the start.

I'm so sorry.
Apology accepted.

Now, let's get that laptop
to One Police Plaza.

No. There's something
I need to do first.

We're gathered here to affirm
the marriage of Raymond Holt
and Kevin Cozner.

We don't have to do this.

Everyone who's not family
has already gone home
and we need to hurry.

No. This is important.

Kevin Cozner.

When we first got married,
I thought of it primarily
as a legal contract

which is why I memorized
the entire Federal Tax Code
301.7701-18.

Definitions pertaining
to marriage.

And yet he can't remember
Mac's name.

But I finally learned
what marriage really is.

It's not something
you can memorize

or an equation
you can solve for.

It's the feeling you get

when you look
in your partner's eyes,

and that feeling
is all that matters.

Which is why I will now purge

tax code 301.7701-18
from my memory

so that I will now have room

to remember
this moment forever.

It's done.
Oh, baby.

Raymond Holt,
do you promise to continue
to live in this marriage

for richer, for poorer
through sickness
and in health,

as long as you two
both shall live?

I do.
And Kevin--

Yes, yes, we're still married.
We really have to go.

I've just come back from
One Police Plaza, and I have
some good news.

The union voted
and O'Sullivan is out?

No. He was re-elected
for life, which I didn't think
was technically possible.

But the good news is,

the Commissioner has approved
our police reform program

and we will be
implementing it
city-wide.

City-wide?
That's amazing.

Yes.
I know it is exciting.

But there's no guarantee
that it will work.

There's a lot of
resistance to change.

Nevertheless,
it's our duty to try.

Because if we don't,
then we are truly lost.

Which is why
I will not be retiring.

I have been appointed
Deputy Commissioner
of Police Reform.

Wow! Congratulations, sir.

Thank you. And since I don't
want work to consume my life,
and this is a big job,

so I will need some help

which is why I like to
bring you along, Santiago,

with a well-deserved
promotion to Chief.

If you're interested.
Wait. What?

I'm gonna be a Chief?

Terry, you might wanna
step aside 'cause there's
a dork dance a-coming.

Yes!
Gonna be a Chief.

We share a marital bed.

He's down.
Good.

So, what do you think
about this new job?

I think you gotta take it.

I mean, first of all,
it's a huge promotion.
So, cha-ching.

But more importantly,

it's the culmination
of all your hard work

and a chance
to make a real impact.

And also, cha-ching.
What's with
all the cha-chings?

Oh, no.
You bought something dumb.

No.

I invested in something dumb.

It's an NFT of
Michelangelo from the
Ninja Turtles eating pizza.

But not to worry. Because
it's currently worth...

Oh, no. What happened
to TurtleBucks?

Jake, I'm serious.

I don't know if I can
do this job and still
be an equal parent.

I mean, who's gonna pick up
Mac on the odd days

and who's gonna bathe him
on the even days

and who's gonna do the cooking
and who's gonna figure out--

Ames, we will figure
all that stuff out.

How can you be so sure?

I just know.